Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Guilty v. Regret

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[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]


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I have a small checklist that I keep on my desk that I review before every client call I do. The list contains the steps that I most often use when helping a client transform their life. One of the most important steps is forgiveness of self.

When something doesn’t go the way we would like it is very easy for us to blame ourselves. Even when there was no possible way we could have done anything differently. A perfect example of this is when a child in placed in a situation of trauma. There is no way the child could have prevented what happened. Even with the adult self knowing this sometimes they still blame themselves.
There are other times in which we make a poor choice and afterwards we think, “I should have known better.” There are even times when we know we are about to make a choice and we know that it is the wrong choice for our higher good in the short and/or long term.

Regardless why we feel like we are to blame for what has happened the fact that we do blame ourselves for our past can be debilitating. It can undermine our ability to make choices in the future because we think we are going make a poor choice again or a part of us can feel that we need to be punished for making those poor choices. When this happens we will subconsciously sabotage any new success.

Because of these reasons it is essential to spend time working on self-forgiveness. If we do not forgive ourselves then we will never move forward because we will be an emotional prisoner to the past. When we refuse to forgive ourselves then it is like we are reliving the past moment over and over again.

There are many steps to this process, but one of the concepts I always talk to clients about is the difference between feeling guilty and regretting what happened.

Feeling guilty about something robs us of our power. The hallmark of guilt is being emotionally attached to the past moment. When we feel guilty we relive the moment over and over again, beating ourselves up as we do so.

When we feel regret about something it is instructive. I can regret the choices I have made in the past and learn from those choices. When I regret something I can clearly state I am disappointed about how it turned out and that I would do things differently if I had the chance, but in when I look at a past choice with regret I am not emotionally trapped in the moment. Instead I have the opportunity to learn from my past choice and have the ability to live in the present.

One of the struggles we face when trying to forgive ourselves is the fear that “If I forgive myself then I will forget about the past and I will make the same mistake again. I will hurt myself or others again” or “If I forgive myself then I am saying what I did was OK. To forgive myself is to condone the action.”

Forgiveness does not equal saying it was or is OK. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.

Forgiveness equals choose to take responsibility for the past, learn from the past, and choose to be present in the current moment making new choices.

Tapping on it might look this:

I know that I have made poor choices in the past…these choices have hurt me…and they have hurt others…but it does me no good to be stuck in these past moments….it does me no good to keep beating myself up for these choices…I need to forgive myself…when I forgive myself I am not saying my past choices are the choices I would make today…when I forgive myself I am not saying I want the same outcome…when I forgive myself I am not forgetting what happened…instead, when I forgive myself I choose to take the knowledge learned from that moment…I choose to take responsibility from the outcome…but I am choosing to no longer be stuck in the moment…when I forgive myself I can still regret what happened without feeling guilty….guilt is a prison…guilt is a trap…guilt prevents me from moving forward…guilt keeps me trapped in the past…when I forgive myself I am not doing it with the expectation that I am going to be perfect in the future…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I move forward…I forgive myself…knowing I can forget what happened…but I don’t need to feel guilty….I choose not to be trapped in the moment.

In most cases this is not all that is needed for deep self-forgiveness, but it opens the door to being able to know that it is OK to forgive yourself, by seeing that regret is a healthy way of moving forward without having to feel guilt.

Click here to read what others have to say or add your own thoughts and comments. I would really love to hear what you thing!

TapAlong #13A: It Is A Great Day To Be Alive

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Today is a perfect day. That does not mean that everything will be perfect today or that everything will work out the way we want. But there is no other day like today. It is unique, even if we are doing things that we’ve done many times before. This is not some naive way of approaching the day’s real challenges, but it is simply an acknowledgement that today will something special and will never be repeated.

Understanding What Is Motivating The Change We Want

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photo by Scott Maxwell

There are many reasons we want to make changes in our life. Often, the greater the perceived reward the greater the motivation we have. Many times there’s more than one reason for making a change. Understanding these reasons can be key to our transformation.

For example, someone might want to quit smoking because they want to feel healthier, they don’t want long term health issues, they are a new parent not wanting to set a bad example for their child, and cigarettes cost more and more.

I have a hypnotist friend who requires his clients to come up with a list of six reasons they want the change before he will work with them. He only wants to work with clients who truly want change. One of the ways he tests their commitment is their ability to thoughtfully name why they want the change.

Years ago (before I was using tapping) I was working with a friend “Chris” who was having a hard time losing weight. He was on the typical yo-yo of lose weight and then slowly gaining it back. This repeated over and over again for a number of years. Finally, his doctor said to him, “Do you want to see your daughter get married?” who was 5 at the time.

Of course he said yes.

“Then you need to stop this.”

It was no longer a matter of wanting to lose weight; it was about being there for his daughter. Chris took his five-year-old daughter to a bridal shop and put her in a grown up wedding dress and took a few pictures. He put one picture on the refrigerator at home, another on the refrigerator at work, and he put one in his wallet. Whenever he craved a snack, he looked at these pictures. This helped him move beyond just wanting to make a good eating choice to the reason he was making that choice.

Understand Why We Want the Change and Tapping

Once we understand why we want to make a change we can integrate this into our tapping/EFT routine. There are times when we aren’t very motivated to do the tapping we know we want to do. We don’t want to have to face the issue we have or to dig up past emotions. We can use our list of why we want to make the change as a great way to start a tapping session. For example:

I want to quit smoking…because I want to feel healthier…I don’t want to worry about long-term health issues…I want to be a good role model for my kids…I want to save money…so we can do things the whole family enjoys…I know this make take some work…but the benefits of quitting outweigh the time and effort it is going to take…therefore I am going to do the work right now…because I know with every moment I spend working on this I’m a moment closer to being able to enjoy all these benefits of not smoking

If you start your tapping session with something like this you are going to be very motivated to do the work you want to do.

In many cases simply because you name the reasons you want the change to happen, aspects of resistance will arise and be cleared as you are tapping.

Two Types of Reasons Why We Want Change

As we have shown, the answers to the questions, “Why do we want a change?” or “What are the benefits from making this change?”, are very powerful. One more refinement will make these questions even more beneficial in our healing process.

There are two types of reasons for making a change. The first is to move away from pain; the second is to move towards pleasure. For almost every change in our life we are going to have both types of reasons for our change.

In our quitting smoking example, a reason to move away from pain is to stop feeling unhealthy. Being able to afford fun things to do with the family because of the savings that come with not buying cigarettes is a move toward pleasure.

This isn’t always the case, but often the most important motivation is getting away from pain. As this occurs, gaining pleasure becomes the primary motivation.

It’s important to note this because it is very easy to get stuck in the middle of these two motivations. Getting out of pain is a great motivation, but once the pain is gone it’s easy to stop doing the work because we no longer have the nagging feeling of the pain. For this reason it is very important that our list of reasons for changing includes some reasons that move us towards pleasure.

Focusing on the reasons we are going to gain pleasure from the change then motivates us to complete the transformation process.

The next time you tap on an issue, name not only the change you want but also why you want that change. Knowing this will more surely motivate you to achieve the change and transformation you desire.

[Note: Dan Cleary shares a very interesting point of view on this called “The 10% solution” in the interview I did with him. (link)]

TapAlong #12A: Seeking Attention

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“It is healthier to recognize we are desperate for attention than to deny we are. ” R. Hudson

We all want attention. We want attention from our loved ones. We want attention from new friends. We want attention from people in power. It is ok to want attention, however it becomes dangerous when we start to judge our worth and value from the amount of attention we receive from others. In the end it is healthier to recognize we are desperate for attention than to deny that we are. When we recognize the types of attention we want and why we want them, then we are able to move to a healthier place. If we deny that we are craving attention then we will keep acting out to get it, but doing so in a subconscious way.

TapAlong #8A: Looking at things in new ways

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There are times when we want to move forward but can’t because we feel like we are taking a step too far. We need to know that sometimes it is OK to push the envelope.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”— Apple Commercial, 1997

Using EFT/Tapping for Serious Medical Issues

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I have recently been diagnosed with a rodent ulcer on my chest that will need surgery…or will it? I am unsure what affirmation to use in this instance. Do you have any suggestions on phrases that I should use?


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There are three really good questions here. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Will I need surgery or should I use EFT/Tapping?

To be honest I have no idea. I am not a medical doctor and am not qualified to advise you in this way, but I would offer this thought.

I am very excited by the many strides that have been made in complementary medicine over the last few decades. We’ve learned so much about how the body gets sick and how it heals itself. Even more exciting is the fact that we are just scratching the surface with the human body’s potential, especially its ability to heal.

That being said, I do NOT believe that complementary medicine is the best or only treatment for every situation. There are many ways of helping the body back to full health, which include medical procedures and techniques. When I bleed, the first thing I do is reach for something to stop the bleeding. Once the bleeding is under control, I will then spend time tapping to help the healing process.

The important point is that you take control and responsibility for your body. Get all of the information you can from as many trusted sources as you can. Weigh all your options and choose the course that makes the most sense for you. There are people who will approach your situation using only a surgical/pharmacological approach. Others will use only acomplementary medicine approach. Still others will use a combination of the two. There is no one right answer that can be applied to every situation.

The nice thing about EFT is it only costs you a small amount of time to do and won’t make things worse. This makes it very easy to add to any other action you decide to take.

Can my friends do EFT at a distance for me, and will it help?

When EFT is done on one person for another person (be they present or a long distance away), it’s called surrogate tapping. Describing surrogate tapping and the best way to do it is a topic that requires many an article unto itself (see all surrogate tapping resources) . But I would offer this…

When I explain surrogate tapping, especially to parents who want to tap for their children, I say, “Surrogate tapping might work, and it might not. If you choose to set 7 minutes a day aside to tap for your child, you will be spending 7 minutes thinking loving healing thoughts for your child. Even if the tapping does nothing for your child I believe that’s time well spent.”

There is a library of anecdotal evidence suggesting that surrogate tapping can be effective. If you have friends who know EFT and are willing to take some time to tap for you, I say go for it.

Again, the worst thing that will come of it is your friends will spend time thinking of you in a loving, healing way. Everything else that comes from their time and effort is a bonus.

What tapping phrases should I use for my serious medical issue?

This is the second most common question asked of an EFT practitioner (right after, “Will EFT work on…?”).

The words we use while doing EFT are not Magic. They are reminder phrases with the sole purpose of keeping us tuned into the issue at hand. There is no right or wrong way to come up with these phrases. More important than the phrases we use is the issue that we are tuning into. This is the place that we do the work.

In the circumstance of a serious health concern there are two places that I would start.

First, I would start with the emotions that you feel about your current situation. Often when we receive a medical diagnosis most of our thoughts are turned to how we are going to heal the body and cope with the situation. We frequently forget about our emotional health.

The energy we expend feeling angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, and/or frightened — and all of these emotions are commonly associated with major health concerns — take energy away from the body’s immune system and the healing process. It is extremely important to release these emotions. We are going to have a clearer mind to make the choices that are right for us, and we are going have the body’s full reserve of energy committed to the healing process.

Some of the most common emotions associated with health issues that are worth tapping on are:

  • anger (at self for letting happen, for not getting the care you deserver, at it not being fair)
  • fear (of death, of debilitation, of never being whole again, of being dependant on others, of getting worse, of being a burden to others, of not being able to heal, of not knowing what to do)
  • frustration (that you have no control, that you did everything you could and it still happened, that is cost so much to deal with)
  • sadness
  • loss (of mobility, of health, of freedom, of youth, of activities)

By spending time clearing these emotions we can’t help but feel better, have a clearer mind to make choices about our care, and have the full store of our energy committed to healing. I truly believe this is a very important (and often overlooked) step in the healing process. Second, I would spend time with the symptoms themselves, which is what the main question is about. I have written on this topic before.

If you are interested in seeing how to approach the symptoms themselves check out: The Body Has Information About Our Issues 3 Easy Ways to Approach Physical Issues

I know I sound like a broken record, but the words are not magic. The important thing is focus. The two articles above will show you great ways to tune into what is going on in your body, giving you words that will help you tune into the issue at hand.

How One Minute Miracles Can Be Bad For The Tapping/EFT Community

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[Note: Tapping Q and A is a very personal site written from my point of view. I do not claim to have the only answer or the best answer to any question. These are my reflections and offered as nothing more than that. Most of the articles are written as purely informational. From time to time I offer a more personal opinion on a topic. If this not your cup of tea I would encourage you to check the other great informational resources. As always I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic in the comments below.]


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One Minute or One Session Miracles With Tapping/EFT

The term one-minute/one-session miracle is loosely defined as a problem or issues that is solved in a few rounds of tapping or a very short period of time. I believe that this type of healing is possible with and with out tapping. Even within conventional western there are well-documented cases of massive instantaneous healing. I have seen breath-taking shifts within my own clients and myself.

As wonderful as these wonderful one-minute/one-session miracles are I think as a Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping community we are doing ourselves a disservice in the ways we talk about these one-minute miracles. I am not saying that there is no room for us to talk about these very real healing experiences, but I think we can get lost in our own enthusiasm and run potential tappers over. (I know I have!)

Here are three of the problems I think we have created for ourselves.

As EFT/Tappers We Can Look Like Charlatans and Hucksters

Just for a moment I want you to forget everything you know about tapping. I know that is impossible, but just for a moment look at the following statements through the eyes of a non-tapper:

  • My life long fear of needles disappeared in under twenty minutes by tapping on my body.
  • In three minutes I was able to release the pain of a childhood trauma that haunted me everyday.
  • Everyday for two weeks I spent less than five minutes a day tapping and my six year old son’s verbal skills went from that of a twenty month old to that of a five and half year old.

In the world of infomercial and quick fixes these statements sound fishy even though everyone one of these happened to my clients. For someone who has no experience with tapping it is easy to lump these claims in with “all I did was put this thing around my waste, watch tv a I ended up with washboard abbs.”

We live in a time and place where advertising is approached scientifically. Marketers know how to create a compiling case to get the publics attention. The problem is so few of these claims are ever met that it has created an even more skeptical market place and a more skeptical public.

“If it sound too good to be true it probably is,” has become the modern consumer’s mantra. If all we talk about is these amazing results it is going to be very easy for people to dismiss us as modern snake oil salesmen.

I am not saying that we need to hide our successes or the power of the tool set, but I think when we are talking about the power of the EFT and our tapping tool set that we take time to look at our message from the point of view of someone who doesn’t have our history and first hand experience of tapping working.

We Create Unrealistic Expectations With Tapping/EFT

I have had this experience so many times that it no longer surprises me. It happens in three basic steps. First, I am working with someone who is very skeptical about tapping. Next, we have success with tapping and they get very excited. Finally, they become very frustrated because they are not able to fix every problem in their life with one round of tapping.

Most of the time we judge success not based on what we achieved, but instead what we achieved in relation to our expectations.

For example, one movie that no one knew about could do $5million in first weekend sales to be seen as a smash hit and the movie with the big star could open for $15million and be seen as huge flop. The second movie did so much better, but it didn’t meet expectations.

If all that we talk about (or all that is heard, which can be the case) is the super tapping success stories then we are going to be setting up our clients for the feeling of failure. Sure they might have just relieved 20% of their chronic back pain (that everything else has failed at providing relief for years), but they were expecting total relief therefore in their mind it was a failure.

I have found it hard enough to keep some of my client’s expectations (and sometime mine own) near reasonable. If we spend too much time talking about the one-minute miracles then we are setting the newbie up for failure.

Again, we have not failed because the tapping has failed, but because there expectations were not reached.

I have found it best to under promise and over deliver. I not saying that I am deceptive or lying, but I am making sure that I am saying things that are true and keep expectations in check. For example when I am asked if tapping will work for an issue I might say something like, “Tapping has worked for lots of issues. I have seen it work in similar cases. It doesn’t work every time because there are a number of variables involved in success. We can sure give it a try.”

We Might Be Missing The “Real” Deeper Issue

One of the things I have noticed in working with clients is that it appears that the body has a limit to the amount of healing it can do on some issues over a limited period of time. This is actually a good thing. It would be dangerous for the body to lose 60lb in one week, not matter how much we want to loose the weight.

I believe the same is true for healing emotional issues. As much as we would like to be able to clear everything up in one session there is diminishing returns as we keep working. It takes energy to heal and our systems don’t have unlimited supplies. At a certain point the body doesn’t have any more resources to continue the healing.

I also believe that some issues simply require time to heal fully. I have experienced some clients are only able to deal with a small amount of as issue in each session. The system is worried about safety and sees the issue we are working on as the only thing that is keeping them safe. In cases like this there truly is a limit to the amount that can be achieved.

Many times when we finish a session where we have only done a part of the work the work still feel finished. The client is very happy, very peaceful, and feeling much better. When we look at this through the “one-minute miracle mind set” it is very easy to assume the work is done. In this case we have only dealt with part of the issue or even just one of the symptoms of a core issues.

The client leaves the session feeling great believing they are fully healed. When parts of the issue pop back up again at a latter time they assume that the tapping has failed because it come back.

It is the difference between showing a client how to tap away a cigarette craving so they can tap when ever the craving comes back and tapping for a cigarette craving leaving them to believe they will never need another cigarette again. Sure the tapping provided the relief from the craving, but the underlying issues that is cause the craving more than likely has not been dealt with.

It is very important that we are very clear and up front with our clients in terms of the types of healing that can be expected. Even if something feels great and released in the moment it doesn’t mean that the work is complete. Again, it is an issue of managing realistic expecation.

Conclusion

I don’t want to be a giant wet blanket to enthusiasm about tapping. I just know that when I am presenting tapping to someone new I am not only presenting myself, but I am presenting the whole tapping community. It is important that we keep in mind how our clients and potential clients are hearing the word we are saying to insure they are able to find the help they want and need.

TapAlong #6A: The crap I know is better than the crap I don’t know

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Sometimes it is hard to move forward because we are worried about what might go wrong. Our current situation may not be perfect, but we are aware of that and we know how to manage it. Making changes to our lives invites in the unknown. We might get what we want, but we might also encounter problems for which we are unprepared or problems we can’t handle. When considering making changes (even positive ones) part of us is willing to remain stuck with the manageable status quo instead of trying something new for fear that something bad will happen to us.

Keeping the Long View – How To Understand The Healing Process With Tapping/EFT

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photo by Wally Gobetz

Why it is hard to stay focused on one issue over time with Tapping/EFT?

I hear from clients all the time that they have a hard time staying focused on an issue that takes more than one session to knock out, or as they work on a issue for a long period they feel like they are not making any progress and lose their motivation for tapping. This something that happens to everyone who taps and it happens for a good reason.

One of the characteristics of a strong emotional response is the fact that it holds our attention to that response. We are so deep into the emotions we can’t see anything else. This can become a problem when it affects our ability to understand the healing process we are experiencing. When we don’t see the progress we are making because we are caught in the emotion it is easy for us to lose motivation because it feels like a waste of time. When this happens we often stop tapping.

Healing has ups and downs as we get better and better

One of my favorite analogies of healing is of a spring stretched at an upward direction on an angle. Imagine a long spring in front of you. It is stretched from the floor to the ceiling at a 45 degree angle. Imagine that it is going from the lower left to the upper right.

If we trace the spring we are going to be going up and down with each spiral of the spring, but as we move along it we will move in an upward direction over the long haul.

This is similar to our experience of healing. As we are tapping on our issues we are slowly moving upwards, but there will be daily up and down moments.

The difficulty comes when we are having a down moment. The problem is not that we are down, but when we are down we are so completely caught in the down emotion that we lose sight of the progress we’re making. We forget everything we’ve achieved on the way to that point.

It really helps to have someone pointing out that we really are making progress, that we are continuing to move in an overall upward direction (tracing the full length of the spring), even though there are small ups and downs along the way (tracing each spiral).

This doesn’t negate or explain away the negative emotion we are feeling in the moment, but it does give us some perspective. Healing seems more attainable when we have this perspective.

Almost without exception when I’m working with a client over six weeks I expect that I’ll need to point out that they really have made a great deal of progress, even though they can’t feel it right now. It is natural and common to be caught up in where we are in this moment.

This is one of the reasons we bring our problems to loved ones and professionals alike. Both help us to see the long view and the progress we are making. Not only is it helpful for us to have someone remind us of the long view when we are down, it can also be helpful to have someone show us the long view when we are up.

What the healing process with tapping looks like over time and how we don’t see it in ourselves

I was touching base with one of my clients, “Debbie,” recently. She was telling me about a phone conversation she had just had with her sister. The context for the conversation is Debbie’s mom has suffered an on-and-off battle with cancer for years. For the last few months she has been in and out of the hospital. Debbie’s sister is currently pregnant with twins.

Debbie’s sister called and started screaming and yelling at Debbie and in such a ferocious way that Debbie couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Debbie calmly explained this to her sister, saying that she was sorry her sister was so mad at her, but Debbie was happy with the choices she had made. She offered her sister a chance to have a reasonable conversation about what had transpired, but it was not acceptable for her to be spoken to in that way. Her sister hung up!

It was quite amazing that she had responded so calmly, but it was even more amazing considering her history. I’ve worked with Debbie on and off for over eighteen months. When I first met her she would have flown off the handle if her sister had spoken to her in that way. Then she would have cried. Then she would have called a friend and cried to her friend. Then she would have felt bad for burdening her friend with her issues.

All of those responses would have been reasonable. When we are attacked, especially by a loved one during a trying family time, it’s reasonable for us to fight back. Instead, Debbie was able to see through the situation and identify what was really going on.

She saw that her sister might be over-emotional because of her pregnancy and their mother’s illness. She saw that it might not have anything to do with what she had done, but this was the place her sister was choosing to lash out. She realized that she was happy with the choice she had made that her sister was reacting to and wasn’t going to change her decision.

Debbie was able to react in this way because she was much more comfortable in her own skin. Eighteen months ago she would have taken the attack personally. Her fragile self-esteem would have been bruised by the experience. She would have responded in anger, which is the body’s way of protecting from an attack.

This is not to say that Debbie shouldn’t protect herself, or that responding in anger is always bad. In this situation Debbie identified the situation for what it was, understanding that she wasn’t IN FACT being attacked but was the chosen recipient for some misguided rage.

What’s most amazing about this is that Debbie didn’t even realize she was responding differently from how she would have done in the past. As her sister was yelling at her she didn’t think, “I am choosing not to take this attack personally. I am going to be calm.” She was just calm. It was only when I pointed out to her that she had responded differently that she realized her own transformation.

We need help sometimes to see the change Tapping/EFT has provided

The reason the change wasn’t obvious to Debbie was because she was not making a new choice but she has changed how she sees herself. Between the work we have done together and the work she has done on her own, Debbie has transformed her understanding of her own worth.

Debbie is not “doing” anything differently. She is “being” someone different. Because she is comfortable in her own skin it is natural for her not to overreact to the attack, because there is no reason to attack.

It is just as important for us to recognize this type of transformation as it is to recognize that when we are down in the moment we are still moving up over the long-term. When we recognize this sort of transformation it does a few things for us. First, we can celebrate that we are doing better than before. Second, it encourages us to progress further.

Debbie’s experience is a perfect example of The Stages Awareness. I encourage you to read that article to help you see where you are on the path to healing, showing you that you are on the right path and what further steps can be taken.

Pod #67: Creating A Tapping Community Of Support w/ Stephen W. Carter

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Let’s be honest: Tapping/EFT looks weird when you do it, sounds weird when you explain it, and really is just plain weird. At least once a week as I explaining the work I do and how much I love tapping someone will start to look at me like I have three heads and slowly start creeping away.

In any endeavor that we do it is important to have a community of support around us. In these communities we have the opportunity to learn from each other, support each other, and (most importantly) laugh with each other.

In the Baltimore area (which is where I live) Steve Carter has done an amazing job in creating just this type of community. The community he has created is from everyone from full time practitioners to people who are just interested in finding way the live health and happier lives. It started very small and over the last few years has not only grown in numbers, but it has also in the quality of support the community provides.

For me the only sadness is they normally meet on weekends and I travel 40 weekends a year and haven’t had the chance to spend much time with them.

In this interview I talk with steve about why he started the group, what he has done to be successful, and lots of practical advice for someone who would like to start something like this in their own community. (And don’t worry if you live in a small town or a rural area. Steve has specific advice for your situation.)

Since the recording of this podcast the group has grown to over 1100 people.

Stephen Carter

Guest: Stephen W. Carter, MA, TFT-DX, CHt.

Contact: web at Easy Stress Cures; web @ EFT MD; phone @ 1-888-849-5040; phone @ 1-804-677-6772

About Stephen: Stress management and how to help others learn its power became an important part of Stephen’s career while working in law enforcement. As a police chief, certified instructor with the Maryland Police Training Commission, and an adjunct instructor with the Eastern Shore Criminal Justice Academy, he developed and taught officer survival training with stress management as a foundational life saving skill to police officers across the state of Maryland. He incorporated stress management awareness throughout his police agency, helping ensure officers learned how to successfully handle life and death high stress situations and chronic day-to-day emotional tension.

After being named as the Corporate Security Director for a major bank, Stephen incorporated stress management into the bank’s robbery and kidnap training program. Thousands of employees and executives learned proven life saving strategies to successfully handle high stress situations.

In recent years Stephen has focused on applying life changing stress reduction methods to improve the health and well being of people with serious medical challenges. He helps people facing cancer, and other conditions, teaching them how to reduce stress and encourage rapid recovery.

In addition to his Master of Arts in Criminal Justice from George Washington University and a Bachelor of Science from the University of Maryland, Stephen holds certifications in hypnotherapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a Master Practitioner, and Quantum-Touch® energy healing as a practitioner and instructor. He is also a certified Emotional Freedom Techniques® (EFTCert-1) and Thought Field Therapy (TFT-Algo) practitioner He has received training in and taught multiple other meditative and bio-energy healing modalities.

Best Of, Personal Favorites, & Most Visited Free Resources About Tapping & EFT (#7links)

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photo by Jodi Green

Last year Darren over at ProBlogger recommended an exercise for bloggers that would allow an writer to remind their readers of what they have to offer. The exercise has two goals. First, it is to remind your long time readers of some of the better resources that have been created. Second, to introduce new readers to resources in the archive.

When I did it last year it was a fun activity for me to go back look through what is on the site. Here is the updated version of the activity with many of the questions Darren asked from before plus a new things I have added.

My First Article I Wrote About Tapping and EFT

    Making It Routine: This was the third article I ever wrote on tapping and the first one to appear here. This is a topic I still talk to my clients about regularly. I think finding ways to make anything helpful part of our daily routine is one of the biggest struggles we face. I reference this article and these principles all the time.

Article I Enjoyed Writing The Most About Tapping and EFT

    The Stages of Awareness: This is the first article I wrote where I felt like I was doing a higher level thinking beyond “This is how you tap for issue X”. It was also the first time I ever really learned something I didn’t realize I knew before writing. This concept has transformed the way I understand the healing process. I always teach this concept to my advanced students and something I go back to again and again with they guys I teach in my anger management class in the local jail.

Article I Wish I’d Written About Tapping and EFT

    Tapping For Trauma w/ Gwyneth Moss (Podcast): This interview blew me away. Gwyneth’s approach to the hows and whys of trauma is succinct. It is easy to understand and very useful. In under 30min she transformed the way I work with trauma big and small.

Most Helpful Article About Tapping and EFT

    What If I Don’t Completely Love and Accept Myself: This felt like I was revealing a dirty secret. When I shared this, people came out of the woodwork saying, “Yeah, I have a really hard time using the set-up phrase as well.” By bringing the idea to light it gave other the chance to wrestle with what this means.

Article Title On A Tapping/EFT Article That I Am Proud Of

    Why I am Giving Up Self Improvement In The New Year: The article itself contains an idea that is very personal and has been very powerful in my own healing and growth. I wanted to make sure people checked it out. I thought the title was counterintuitive enough that I thought it would peak interest.

Article That I Wish More People Had Read About Tapping and EFT

    There Is No Such Thing As An Emotional Act (Is this true?): The content of this article was a total revelation to me. It took me more than a week to just the basic idea down in a form that I thought was understandable. Understanding the facts of how our conscious mind is so easily over run by emotional responses is very import in helping us understand how and we why act as well as making it easier for us to by easy with ourselves as we grow and heal. This is something I wish all my clients understood.

10 Most Read Articles On Tapping and EFT

Do you have a favorite article or podcast that I didn’t list above? Add it as a comment below so others can find it easily.

TapAlong #4: Changing How We See Ourselves and the World

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A few years ago I was on retreat with Russ Hudson. At the beginning of the three days he said, “Who I think I am will die in this process. What I lose is my illusions.” Often the transformation process isn’t about becoming something new but rather it is about seeing ourselves in new ways. Sometimes we are so caught up in an old image of ourselves that we don’t allow ourselves to see a new one. This is also true of how we perceive our life situation. It is possible for the world around us to change in dramatic ways yet we continue to operate out of an outdated understanding. A perfect example is when many generations of a family get together. Even as fully formed adults, people quickly fall back into old roles and patterns. As always, it is much easier to see this in others than it is in our own lives.

Pod #66: Fear As The Root Of Other Issues w/ Colleen Flanagan

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From my point of view the opposite of love is not hate, but instead fear. Fear is a very powerful force. It is very primal and is going to over ride most other emotions an thoughts. In this interview I talk with Colleen Flanagan about the many different faces of fear and how it can be at the root of many other issues. We spend a great deal of time talking about 5 distinct types of fear that can be used as lens to understand many of our deeper issues.


Colleen Flanagan

Guest: Colleen Flanagan

Contact: web @ EmoRescue.com; facebook @ Colleen Flanagan

About Colleen: An energizing and entertaining emotional wellness coach and speaker, Colleen Flanagan assists fear-ridden people and pets to get FREED of their stress, anxiety and struggle, with a dash of humor and a ton of compassion.

Colleen knows that most of what we don’t want comes from fears of failure, success or not feeling safe. Once those fears are clear, we’re free of pain, able to move forward in love, creativity or business, living in hope, joy and peace again.

The author of eight popular wellness field e-books and audio-e-book packages, Colleen’s unique, effective work has been praised by clients on six continents.

The wildly popular business success package, “How to Follow Your Passion, Help Thousands and Make Great Money” featured Colleen as the Animal EFT Business Success Expert (below cover with horse), along with world-renown doctors and EFT Masters.

Why Do I Have To Tap? – How Is EFT Different From Just Thinking About The Issue?

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This article was written while powered by a few glasses of iced coffee bought by Frankie Collins of Seattle, WA . Thanks Frankie!

Is it necessary to have the intention of releasing or letting go a negative thought, feeling, or physical pain while tapping? I am trying to understand why fretting, stewing, or worrying about an issue consciously doesn’t dissolve the negative emotions, but tapping while expressing it does.


photo by CARF Brazil

There are three distinct concepts relevant to the questions you are asking. When you understand all three and how they fit together it is easier to understand how Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) works. The three concepts are tuning in, tapping, and intention.

By getting a handle on these, it is easy to understand how the thoughts and emotions related to our past experience affect the present, and how EFT affects them.

We create models of the world in our minds to help us predict how the world works. By having these models we don’t have to analyze how everything in our experience works. For example, when a server places a glass of ice water in front of me at a café I assume the water is going to be cold. I have experienced lots of glasses of water. When I see ice cubes present I assume the water is cold. As I bring the glass to my mouth I don’t worry about burning my tongue. Because of the models I hold about water, ice, and cafés I don’t give the water much thought.

Is it possible that the water is going to be lukewarm? Sure, but that is only disappointing, not dangerous. Is it possible that the water is scalding hot? It is possible, but so highly unlikely that I don’t have to worry about it.

The models I hold of the world save me time. By knowing what not to spent time and energy thinking, I can concentrate on what needs my attention.

But there is a flaw in this system.

It is possible that I hold inaccurate or incomplete models of a situation.

Let’s pretend that as I am writing this, a mouse runs by where I am sitting. Without stopping to think about it I react by I jumping up on the table and screaming like a small child. In this scenario I haven’t given what has happened much thought. I just apply the model I have. In this case my model tells me that mice are terrifying and dangerous creatures, I am unsafe, and I need to run for my life.

The model has done its job. My model of mice was applied to the current experience and I acted without having to think. The issue is that mice aren’t deadly creatures. In this case the model has not served me.

Now that we understand how models of information work, lets take a look at how we use EFT to affect these models.

If I were to use EFT to work on my fear of mice, the first step would be to into that fear. I could just imagine a mouse is running under my chair and my heart would start to race. When I tune into an issue, I am accessing a model of information. I think, “mouse under my chair,” and the model is applied. This is what we do when we are worrying about an issue. We are just accessing the models we hold but we aren’t making any changes to the model itself. When we access that same model in the future the same feelings will result.

The next step in EFT is to start tapping on the issue. We know from the theory of EFT when we are thinking a thought that is not in line with health and wellbeing, the energy system of the body is in some way out of balance or disrupted. Every time we apply an inaccurate model to a scenario we are creating this state of energetic imbalance. By tapping we bring the system back to balance. This is the reason we feel better about after tapping.

The amazing part of EFT is that as well as bringing the system back into balance in the moment, we are changing the model by replacing the inaccurate information with information of health and well-being.

By changing the model, the next time it is referenced, I respond more appropriately. In our example:

  • I think about my fear of mice.
  • I use EFT to bring my system back to the balance which is its natural state.
  • As the system returns to balance the model is corrected.
  • The next time I see a mouse I apply the updated model and am not terrified.

EFT is a mechanical process. Tapping while you are tuned into a model will correct some or all of the inaccurate parts of that model. Since EFT is a mechanical process, if you do the steps correctly improvement will result.

This brings us to the third part of the question. How is intention involved in the healing process with EFT? As we have just shown, if the protocol is applied correctly, it doesn’t matter if you have the intention for release. I have done EFT with a number of skeptical people. They didn’t believe EFT was going to work and it did. But it did so because they fully engaged in the process. This is not a small point.

If you do not have the intention for release and health it is more likely that you will not use the protocol correctly. Remember that the words we use are not magic. The words help us to tune into an issue, but it is possible to say words, “this fear of mice…this fear of mice..this fear of mice” and to be thinking about what is on TV tonight and not mice. Even though it looks like I am doing EFT correctly, I will not make progress.

So intention is not a prerequisite for EFT to work, but I encourage all my clients to hold the intention of moving towards health and wellbeing because it helps them to stay focused and on-task.

A few thoughts to keep in mind:

  • We hold models of how the world works to make the world easier to navigate.
  • It is possible to have inaccurate or incomplete models of the world.
  • Simply activating these models will not change them.
  • If we tune into our inaccurate or incomplete models of the world while tapping we can correct those models.
  • Intention is not a requirement for EFT to work but it helps us to use the protocol correctly.

TapAlong #3: Dreaming + Work = Progress and Transformation

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[Every Monday a new free tap-along audio is added to TappingQandA.com. Make sure you check out the entire Tap-Along Archive. To be able to download these audios comercial free (with a printable script) visit the Tap-Along Premium Membership.]

“There are those who work all day. Those who dream all day. And those who spend an hour dreaming before setting to work to fulfill those dreams. Go into the third category because there’s virtually no competition.” Steven J. Ross

Pod #65: Tapping for Stress w/ Louise Tremayne

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    Stress is one of the biggest issues of modern life but I think that it is talked about so much that sometimes we tune it out. We need to keep our eye on how stress affects us day-to-day. Tapping for stress is easy to do and is much like brushing your teeth, you need do a little bit daily to make lasting change. In this interview I talk to Louise Woods about the impact of stress on the body and some simple things that you can do right now to improve your mood and your health.

LouiseWoodsEFTDevon
Louise Tremayne

Guest: Louise Tremayne

Contact: web @ FreeFlowingEnergy.com;  phone @ 07866 013 637; twitter @FFELou

About Louise: Louise Woods is an experienced EFT and Holistic Health Practitioner. She is based in Devon, UK and has been practicing EFT since 2006. She specializes in working with stress and anxiety, topics close to her own heart. Having left a stressful job in software engineering, she undertook a journey of self discovery to find the best way to deal with stress and found the answer in EFT. Louise is also qualified in NLP, Reiki and Crystal Therapy and draws on all of her skills and experiences when working with her clients.

Overwhelmed By Emotions While Using Tapping/EFT: Preventing it from happening and dealing with it if it happens

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I have so many emotions and memories coming up all at once that I’m overwhelmed by them. It feels like they are queuing up to get fixed! Yes, I’m glad this stuff comes up and I deal with it as it comes, but issues are tumbling out so fast they are landing on top of each other. I can’t spend all day in the bathroom at work! How do I deal with all these emotions without being so overwhelmed?


photo by Ashley Pollak

I have heard of this experience from a number of my clients. It is much like stirring up pond water. The water looks very clear, but the moment you start poking around in the water the sediment from the bottom clouds the water.

We can be very unaware of all the emotions and memories we are carrying around. When we start to poke around with healing work we can stir the pot and find much more than we bargained for.

I have two recommendations, one before you dive in and one for those moments when you’ve stirred up more than you bargained for.

Preventing Feeling Overwhelmed By Your Feelings

One of the benefits of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is the fact that we are able to slowly creep up on a problem while still doing effective work. Some techniques and therapies require you to dive into the deep part of the pain before you can start healing. It is possible to use EFT in this fashion, but I’m not a big fan of this approach.

I’m not a fan of feeling pain for the sake of pain. Why do healing work in a very painful way when you can do it in a much gentler way? A perfect example of this is how we can use EFT to deal with an individual’s fear of being in high places.

We could blindfold someone, not give them a clue as to the intent, transport them to the top of a 67-story building, let them freak out and start to do EFT.

Is it possible to be successful like this? Maybe, but we’d cause a lot of undue pain in the process.

When I work with someone who has this type of fear we start in the suburbs. I tell them that in just a little bit we’ll be going downtown to the top of the tallest building. For someone who fears heights this will cause the anxiety level to rise. We deal with this anxiety by doing EFT.

When they are at ease with the thought of heading downtown, we move to the car. In most cases their level of anxiety again rises as the time of climbing to the top of the building comes nearer. Again, we do EFT to deal with the anxiety. Once the anxiety is gone we start to drive downtown.

We repeat the process as many times as necessary, stopping to use EFT every time the anxiety gets above a 5 until we reach the top of the building. If this means we have to stop the car every 10 minutes and do EFT with each step we take toward the elevator, we do it.

Can this take a great deal of time? Yes. Is it a safe way to heal? In my mind it clearly is.

I recommend that whatever issue you are working on you creep up on it as gently as possible. By doing this you are going to more readily prevent yourself from going on tilt. I am in favor of erring on the side of caution even if it means that the healing takes a little more time.

When The Overwhelmed Feeling Strikes

Sometimes we can’t prevent feeling overwhelmed by emotions and memories. We might stumble into issues we had no idea were there as we do healing work, or circumstances in life may arise that catch us completely off guard.

We know that EFT is most effective when we can take memories one at a time and emotions from those memories one at time. When we feel unexpectedly overwhelmed it’s often difficult to do this. There is simply a whirlwind of emotions and/or memories all coming to the surface at once. Trying to separate these emotions or memories is like trying to separate one raindrop from another in a rainstorm. There might be a fleeting moment where you can see a single drop, but a moment later it is lost into the storm.

When this happens I go through a few steps to calm the storm.

1) Deal with any emotion that you have about being overwhelmed.
Once we know that we are supposed to break memories and emotions to effectively clear them it can be frustrating when we aren’t able to break them down. If there is any frustration about being overwhelmed that is the best place to start. The more frustrated you are, the less clearly you’ll see the issues at hand. As you tap give yourself permission to take this slowly; remember it’s okay not to know everything at once.

Tap on:

I know EFT works better when I can break things down…right now the emotions are coming all at once…I don’t know where to begin…and I feel like I am never going to get clear of all of this…but I don’t need to be frustrated or overwhelmed…I will be able to use EFT to take it apart a bit at a time…by taking it apart a bit a time it is going to manageable…as I break it apart it is going to be easier and easier to manage…I give myself permission to take this slowly…it’s okay that I don’t know everything that is going on…[How to use these tapping phrases]

[Side Note: You might also want to take a look at this article on the fear of fear.  Sometime we feel overwhelmed because we are afraid of what we are going to find.  If that is the case I think this is a very helpful approach: Fear of Fear]

2) Paint a picture of all the emotions at once
Since we are unable to deal with the emotions one at a time we might as well go after them all at once. Again, this is going to be a bit of a gross approach, but the goal of this step is to help us get some clarity so we can start picking the emotions apart.
In this step tune in to all the emotions you are feeling at once. Create a picture in your mind’s eye. Is it something inside of you or surrounding you? Is it a weight that is on you or something swirling around you? Is it a mist, a fog, or a storm? Or is it something completely different?

It doesn’t matter what your mind’s eye leads you to, just tune into that image. What color is it? What shape is it? How much does it weigh? What is it made of? Treat this image exactly the same way you would tune into a physical pain.

Now start to tap. At first, just tune into all the characteristics of the image you have just created. As you move from tapping point to tapping point move to a different characteristic — the color, shape, size, weight, where it is. Just keep tuning in.

As you do this you will notice the storm of emotion is losing its intensity.

3) Change the image into what needs to happen next
After spending a little time tapping with the image you have in mind, it’s time to change the image. You will either turn it into something new, get rid of it, or destroy it.

If it’s a tornado, see it move off the into the distance. If it’s a fog or mist, see the warm morning sun melt it away. If it’s a haze hanging in the air, see environmental engineers with air filters suck the polluted air into air filters, leaving pure air. If it’s goo in your chest, see little street cleaners work the area over and clean it up. If it’s a heavy metal weight on your chest or shoulders, see little workmen with jackhammers breaking it up.

While doing this, just keep tapping. How you change the image doesn’t matter, but change it for the better. Ask yourself the questions, “How could I make this feel better?” and see it happen.

As you do this you are going to find that you are more relaxed, your issues seem smaller, and you can start picking the individual emotions apart.

Conclusions

The beauty of EFT is we don’t have to feel a great deal of pain for it to work.  We can creep up on any issue we want to work on.  There are going to be times when we become overwhelmed with emotions.  When this happens we can still do work.  We can:

  • deal with the frustration of being overwhelmed
  • group all the emotions together
  • bring their intensity down as a group giving us the space we need to break the emotions apart into manageable pieces.

TapAlong #2: Not Needing Others’ Permission To Change

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We are connected to many people in our lives, some very closely, others less so. When we make choices we don’t make them in a vacuum as we know that they impact other people, either affecting them directly or simply in the way they see us. Because we consider how our choices influence how others think about us we sometimes hesitate to act because we are unsure of their reaction, or we fear that they will react negatively. Our subconscious may restrain us from taking action unless we feel we have the permission of those around us to go after our dreams. It seems a little odd to ask someone permission to chase our dreams, but it is important to be aware of the areas in which we are holding ourselves back.

When Unexpected Things Come To Mind

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When I am tapping all sorts of things come to mind. Sometimes the memories are clearly connected to what I am tapping on. Other times they are thoughts about memories and people that seem to have nothing to do with what I am tapping on. What should I do with these thoughts?


When I am working with a client during an Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping session, typically the first question I ask them after a round of tapping is, “What came to mind as we did that round of tapping?”

You will notice I ask this question before I ask how much relief they’ve felt or what their SUDs level is. I do this because I believe the thoughts that come to mind during a round of tapping contain more important information than the level of relief.

Real relief is going to last and we will be able to check in on that progress in a moment, but the thoughts that have come to mind are often fleeting — so much so that frequently when I’ve asked this question my clients have said something like:

“Uh…ahhh…it was right there…now the thought is gone.”

Our thoughts and memories are not like files in a computer. Files in a computer are distinct. Each file exists on its own. It might have information about other files or be connected to specific programs, but these files are self-contained pieces of data.

Our thoughts and memories are not at all like this. They exist as complicated networks of interconnections. No single thought is contained by itself. Even when we intend to bring up a specific memory we also bring up all of its connections.

Think about the last time you let your mind wander. You might have been waiting for a friend or sitting in a car. One thought leads to another, then another, and another. It might seem random, but these thoughts and memories are all connected.

When we are doing a round of tapping we tap into this network of memories and thoughts, and we usually gain information about what the truer root of a problem is.

I use the term “truer root” because there are countless times when we think we understand why we feel the way we feel, but on further investigation we find out we are wrong.

For example, I may think I am mad because a waiter brought me the wrong food, but really it’s one more example of me feeling like my needs haven’t been heard.

Also, you will notice I didn’t say “true root” because often the new information we gain gets us closer; then we find out we can get closer still.

When we are tapping on one issue, the mind/body system naturally tunes into everything that one issue or symptom is connected to. As I stated above, sometimes these connections are obvious. Other times they are not.

My favorite phrase that my clients use when I ask them what came to mind is, “I am sure this has nothing to do with what we are working on but…”

I’ve found that the less obvious the connection between a thought and the tapping issue is, the more informative the thought is likely to be.

For me this is really good news because I expect the thought to be very helpful in the healing process.

The question then comes, “What do we do with this information?”

In some cases the connection is so obvious it becomes the issue we tap on next. In other case it is not so obvious. When I get information while tapping that has nothing to do with what I am doing work on I do two things.

First, I make a note of the thought, memory, or person who has come to mind. I don’t want to disturb the work I am doing right now, but I also don’t want to lose track of this new information.

Second, when I return to the new information, if I still can’t figure out what it means, I will tap on something like this.

During my last tapping session a piece of information came to mind…I have no idea what it means…or why it would come to mind while I was tapping on that issue…the new information might be very helpful in my healing path…I would love to know why this information came to mind…but I give myself permission to know that when I need to know what it means I will know what it means…I would like to know sooner than later…but I trust my body will give me the information I need to heal when I need it.
[How to use these tapping phrases]

Often it becomes very clear why that information has come to mind before I even end those few phrases. But even if it doesn’t, by the time I’ve finished that patter I am comfortable not knowing right now.

The way our thoughts and feelings are interconnected makes it very easy for us to dig our way to deeper roots and connected problems by simply paying attention to what is coming to mind as we tap. With all things, it is important that we be easy with ourselves as we are tapping. Don’t get too wrapped up in figuring out what it is — just enjoy the healing process.

Pod #64: Thought Field Therapy w/ Joanne Callahan

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As more time passes few and few people are aware of the roots of tapping as we know it. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) as presented by Gary Craig build upon the foundations of Thought Field Therapy (TFT). In this interview I chat with Joanne Callahan the co-developer of Thought Field Therapy with her husband Roger Callahan. Joanne has many great insights into not only how Thought Field Therapy came to be created and how we can add the tools and techniques of TFT to our daily tapping.

In this conversation we cover the differences between FTF and EFT. We also talk about what psychological reversal is, how toxins affect the healing process, and how we can do something about both right away.

We also spend time talking about one of Joanne’s passions tapping for trauma (both big and small).


Joanne Callahan

Guest: Joanne Callahan, MBA

Contact: web @ Thought Field Therapy

About Joanne: Co-developer of Thought Field Therapy with her husband Roger, and CEO of Callahan Techniques, Ltd.

Joanne Callahan, is a graduate of the University of California Santa Barbara and received her MBA in Healthcare Administration from California State University San Marcos.

Joanne Callahan is Director of the Thought Field Therapy Training Center and publisher and co-editor of The Thought Field, a quarterly newsletter.

She is trained in TFT at the Advanced and Voice Technology™ levels and the only person other than Dr. Callahan certified to teach all levels of TFT.

Joanne Callahan co-authored Thought Field Therapy and Trauma: Treatment and Theory, and the recently revised Stop the Nightmares of Trauma (with Forward by Jack Canfield, co-author Chicken Soup for Soul® Series), and Chapter 12, Thought Field Therapy: Aiding the Bereavement Process, in Death and Trauma: The Traumatology of Grieving.

Durring the interview we talk about a number of free resources for tapping for trauma. These are great tool, please check them out @ TFT Trauma Relief (link).

Joanne is also offering a free Tapping Stress Guild (link) that you should check out.