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Round Up Question 5 – What is one thing you wish your clients believed about the healing process?

July 10, 2020 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

One of my favorite aspects of the tapping community is how willing people are to share their wisdom and experience. Recently I asked a number of practitioners I admire about how they approach healing, client work, and their own journey. Below are some of my favorite answers to one of those questions. Make sure you check out all five questions.

What is one thing you wish your clients believed about the healing process?

When Fear directs the process, healing slows down. When the Soul or Love directs the process, miracles can happen. Their journey into healing, wholeness, and mystical awakening is their unique journey. Their pace is perfect and their progress is perfect. Learning to reset from fear into love is simply part of your journey. Alan Davidson
Keep trying other modalities until you find the one for you. In the Energy Psychology world, this might be EFT, Heart Assisted Therapy (HAT), Tapas Acupressure Techniques (TAT), Brief Energy Correction (BEC), and more. Try another practitioner, too if you are not making progress. You are worth it, pursue your healing journey any way and anywhere you can. Robin Bilazarian, LCSW
That it is indeed a process! That it can take twists and turns. Things that seem unrelated to their current concern can arise and it’s important for them to be addressed. It is a cliché, but so true: trust the process. This is work. It’s the most important work anyone can ever do. And it is so, so worth it! Kris Ferraro
I wish they knew and believed that the healing process can be gentle, easy, beautiful and an amazing process filled with so much love. Deborah D Miller
100% percent belief that they will heal. I think we have been so conditioned by the media and schooling that we have limiting beliefs around nature’s ability to heal us. We put the power outside of ourselves, rather than owning our own power. Years ago the shaman would just perform a ritual and the person would heal. Their own belief system worked for them effortlessly. For me it is about getting back that trust in natural healing methods.
Tania A Prince
I wish my clients believed that a recurrence of an emotional upset or issue is a normal part of the healing process. It doesn’t mean that they have failed to ‘do this right’ or failed to make any progress. I wish they could distinguish when they have made progress and see that they are now being presented with a new opportunity to heal further. Ange Finn
I wished they believed that the healing process is their human right. That an innate desire for healing and growth is built into human biology – and if we can find a way to provide the conditions of psychological/emotional safety, the human system will move toward a natural evolution. And of course, that even though there are miracles along the way, the process of healing is a lifelong endeavour. The possibilities are endless. Nancy Forester
There is never just one answer or one way to move through the healing process. You may feel up, down, sideways or crooked for days…even months. And then suddenly the movements and synchronicities start to shift and shine through. Truly, anything is possible. I wish everyone believed this. Every person has the power within to heal. Julie Schiffman
The importance of noticing small changes in the right direction. Mary Ayers
That they are not victims of the process, but they are in charge of it. Once they understand that they are an integral part of the underlying process, they then start to use it more effectively and extricate themselves from being victims. Ted Robinson
I believe that any belief that doesn’t serve you can be changed. If I could get my clients (and the world) to believe that, I would be content with that as my life’s work.
Pamela Bruner
You are designed as a divine being that has the ability to constantly renew yourself. Just like a wound on your skin, this is the regenerative process that occurs naturally, whether you want it or not. Emotional wounds will not heal if they are not allowed to through remembrance of these with resentment, anger, fear and hate. If you inundate your soul with Love and forgiveness, you will heal. Remember an emotion is not a fact…you can let it go.
Till Schilling
Don’t judge the shift by the drama! For whatever reason, some clients believe that they need a massive cathartic experience with lots of drama to change and heal. Yet, in the hands of a skilled practitioner, healing can be gentle, subtle and complete.
Rod Sherwin
I wish they believed that it can be fun. It doesn’t have to be deadly serious and earnestly heartfelt all the time. Humor is so healing in itself, and to mix it into any healing process is a total blessing. I have found that it really speeds things up. It goes against the common belief that unless the healing is a struggle, it’s not worth much. I wished they believed that the healing process can feel good — because it most definitely can.
Janet Hilts

Round Up Question 4 – What is one thing you wish your clients believed about themselves?

July 3, 2020 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

What is one thing you wish your clients believed about themselves?

That they are enough. Rather than being broken, or permanently wounded…They already have everything they will ever need to be healthy, happy, enlightened, and to thrive in their unique soul's destiny. They have an inner source of wisdom, guidance, and healing that can direct their healing journey. Learn to know and trust that inner source. Alan Davidson

That there is nothing 'wrong' with them. To let go of the perception that outside forces could fix them, vs. inside wisdom and cultivation. To investigate more truthfully, using current eyes, heart, mind…the idea that they are Not Good Enough…I'd ask them to ask themselves…'good enough for whom? Good enough to get…what? Good enough to be/have…what?' To have them believe that there is never 'too much' to heal or fix or resolve…and that it's never too late to start, although as I said above, now is a better time than later, and always is a better plan than occasionally. : ) Jondi Whitis

My job is to meet them where they are at and start right there, not to wish they believed something about themselves. Where they are at is where they are at. Gwyneth Moss

Humility and magnanimity aren't contradictory; they are two essential pillars in character formation. Jake Khym

Globally, I wish each client knew that they are enough. That they don’t need to change for anyone or anything. They are worthy enough and they are competent enough. Specifically for each client, I wish they knew that the stories of inadequacy they are telling themselves which lead to the discomfortable feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety and chronic physical conditions – are just untrue. That they actually have little to no credible evidence supporting any of these stores of their limitations. Nancy Forester

I am moving away from the belief that my clients should attach to any particular beliefs, I am happy for them to be whoever and whatever they choose, and if they need certain beliefs to see them through, they are entitled to believe what they choose. Of course, if they are suffering I'd love them to know that it is really all just BS and can be changed. Steve Wells

That the past does not define them…that even if they didn't get the best foundation in their family of origin, that foundation can be altered and added too. Mary Ayers

I wish they would accept that they are the “storytellers” of their life and they establish the illusions and then place themselves into each story perfectly to learn a new lesson each time. If they could accept that, they could then tell different stories and learn different lessons that I believe would be more beneficial for them.
Ted Robinson

That persistence is sometimes the key.
Alina Frank

One thing I wish they believed is that it’s OK to ask for help or use EFT yourself as a first resort instead of the last resort. I wish they believed that bucking up is being unnecessarily hard on themselves. In our culture, suffering is highly overrated!
Janet Hilts

Round Up Question 3 – If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

June 26, 2020 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

I would have moved at a faster pace and more consistently sought support and assistance along the way. I truly appreciated my first therapist, who helped me through a divorce crisis, but I didn’t continue ‘doing the work’ – I think I thought I was good to go. In a long second bout of therapy, I got out of danger. If I had it to do over, I think I’d appreciate and pursue the value of great and artful support to help me evolve and thrive along the way vs waiting until I hit a crisis point to seek help. Jondi Whitis

Less study, more practice. In the early days, I read every newsletter, attended classes, poured over each version of Gary Craig’s EFT Manual. I truly wish I had simply tapped more. Instead of trying to “get it right”, if I had tapped more and been present in my body, the energy of EFT would have shown me what I needed to learn. I would have gotten to know myself and my own energy field better, faster, and more effectively. Going from head to body has been imperative for my own healing. Kris Ferraro

Do more of my own personal formation and work around self-discovery and self-possession. Jake Khym

I’d get myself into a regular routine and maintain it. I’ve learned that although routine is boring and sometimes feels like a slog, it’s important for retraining our nervous systems and is worth maintaining. I was always looking for the excitement of feeling blissful, not understanding that the work is gradual, non-linear, and builds on itself if you keep doing it. Ange Finn

I would have liked to reach the understanding that lack of money is a symptom of something else sooner rather than later. I spent a lot of time and money trying to make more money when instead it would have been to understand what money meant to me and what the lack of it was protecting me from. Rod Sherwin

Round Up Question 2 – What is something you have changed your mind about when it comes to healing, working with clients, or your own transformation process?

June 18, 2020 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

What is something you have changed your mind about when it comes to healing, working with clients, or your own transformation process?

That I’m not their source. I’m not their guru, I’m not “taking on” patients. I’m here to assist them, not help them, so by being connected myself, they find that connection within them. Kim D’Eramo, D.O.
Whole healing focuses on the whole person. There isn’t one technique that works for everyone all the time. I searched for years. Some techniques do have miraculous stories of healing. Those clients’ core issues were often found in one layer of the human experience: physical, emotional, mental, moral, or spiritual (energetic). A deep wound or trauma usually affects most or all the layers. Whole healing, moving beyond surviving into thriving, focuses on the flow of vibrant life through all five layers of the human experience. Alan Davidson
That helping clients heal is more in the things like the quality of presence, the amount of palpable safety you can help them connect with, the felt sense of compassionate patience and witness you create for them to ‘unpack their own suitcases’ much more than the specific modality or tools you use. Jondi Whitis
Before learning EFT/Tapping, I practiced as a psychotherapist who never asked about the body and the physicality of stress. I only focused on thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I missed an entire dimension of information and intervention. Robin Bilazarian, LCSW
Recently I’ve come more to use no-words tapping, similar to Gunilla Hamne and Ulf Sandström’s Trauma Tapping Technique (TTT) method, when starting out with a new client or teaching people to tap for themselves. No words takes the edge off, doesn’t confuse, and people are more likely to use tapping for themselves when they don’t have to worry about what to say. In training starting with no-words tapping gets the message across that the tapping does the work. It’s then easier to get people out of suggestions and using language to influence. Gwyneth Moss
When I first started I thought the transformation process was about healing the emotional and physical body. After working with children with cancer, I realized that healing the body wasn’t the only goal. Sometimes the transformation process was about getting better physically and living a longer, happier life. Sometimes it was about helping the person release false beliefs and actually leave their body with an inner calm and peace. Both journeys are beautiful and heart-warming. Deborah D Miller
Sometimes the healing process brings deeper restoration than quick healing fixes. Jake Khym
When I first came into the healing profession I came from a science background. At some level that limited me, I didn’t believe that the techniques could heal everything. It didn’t fit with my “scientific perspective”. Now I am very different. I believe everything is possible. I am open to the possibility of what may happen when I work with clients. The reason for this is that I have seen so many amazing transformations through the years. Transformations that have occurred even when the client’s doctors have said, nothing more can be done to help you with this problem. Tania A Prince
I changed my mind about the need to try relentlessly to get everything down to zero, with myself and with others. I’ve learned to help my clients understand that getting an issue to a low but manageable level can sometimes be enough, so that we don’t put pressure on ourselves to achieve complete neutrality on an issue. Ange Finn
That healing can happen in an instant – it doesn’t need to take weeks or months. Peta Stapleton
We are all more resilient than we think we are. Just when you think nothing can change or when you think you have done everything possible to make a change, or when you think you have to learn to live with pain, or it’s just meant to be this way…there is always another way. There is ALWAYS another way. Julie Schiffman
I now know from experience that many of the things I accepted as true about me were really just beliefs that I had attached to. Now, I don’t accept anything is necessarily set in concrete, everything is potentially open to change. Steve Wells
Trying to force change with affirmations doesn’t work: No one likes to be told what to do. Trying to force change by tapping in positive affirmation usually results in more resistance to change. Instead, I would rather tapping on the resistance and barriers to change and then test if the affirmation feels real rather than trying to beat it into me.
This also applies to the more extreme forms of personal change where the consequences of not changing are magnified to cause you so much pain that your system cannot stay there and instead you must go to a different place. There are much more gentle ways to make change without the fear, drama, and intensity. Rod Sherwin
I used to believe that everyone wants to heal as quickly as possible, but that just isn’t true. The blocks and reversals that go along with chronic conditions stand in the way of full alignment between the subconscious and conscious choice to heal quickly.
Alina Frank
When I first started working with clients, I was very intent on being totally present and very observant. I think I was afraid I would miss some all-important signals, and therefore shortchange my clients.
Over time I came to realize that the more relaxed I am, the more easily I can tune in to the client’s needs and my own intuition. Then I can be of service at the highest level possible and participate in the healing process more fully. The more relaxed I am, the more relaxed and trusting my clients are, enabling them to open up faster, go deeper, and speed up their own healing process. Who knew that could all come from me relaxing more?
Janet Hilts
I used to believe that it was possible to heal without experiencing any pain, and if we were intentional about our healing and growth process, we could grow without discomfort. I no longer believe that – instead, I think that discomfort shows us where we need to heal, and gives us opportunities. We can remove discomfort and pain (that’s what healing is all about, both emotional and physical) but we don’t grow if we never experience it.
Pamela Bruner

Round Up Question 1 – What lessons have clients taught you about healing?

June 12, 2020 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

What lessons have clients taught you about healing

If I just hold the space from the deepest part of myself, present to my depth, my darkness, my pain, my light, all of it unconditionally, HEALING HAPPENS AUTOMATICALLY through them. I’m not “doing” anything but allowing it. Kim D’Eramo, D.O.
I always say my clients are the experts and I am the educated guide. I learn where to go and where not to go. I am always respectful that my thoughts are different from my clients’ thoughts. If I ask what bothers them about work, I think they will say their boss or co-workers. I am surprised when they say the commute. So, I have learned to keep asking questions, keep exploring and being a detective to understand what this situation and emotion is for them. Robin Bilazarian, LCSW
I’ve learned that self-judgment of our uncomfortable emotions prevents them from processing naturally like they are designed to do. This is the brilliance of the EFT setup statement. We start with simply stating the truth. Of course, it’s not always that simple because we aren’t often honest with ourselves – or it’s not conscious – about what we are feeling and why. We get to tap on that confusion, the ruses, the excuses, and the truth then presents itself. As soon as we clear the judgment, shame, lack of acceptance of and resistance to pain, the rest of the clearing often happens quite organically. It’s always been easier to see this self-judgment in my clients than myself. It’s led me to take my own advice and that has made a tremendous difference for me. Kris Ferraro
I learned that no matter how much I know or how much I want to give and support someone in their healing journey, they will receive only up to the point that they are ready to receive. Thus, whatever I have to offer, I give it with all my heart and allow the person to receive what he/she can receive. It will be perfect. Deborah D Miller
I have learned four lessons. People are much stronger than they seem. Motivation is key to healing. People aren’t as self-aware as they might believe. Clients notice what’s happening in the heart of the therapist more than it might seem, so authenticity is key. Jake Khym
I have learned to respect their healing path and to respond with patience. I’ve learned to set my agenda aside and keep meeting them where they are each time. When I do this, we make progress–not on my timetable but on theirs. Ange Finn
What I’m learning from clients now is that psychological and emotional safety is the number one condition for healing. That psychological/emotional safety is a much more ‘slippery’ deal than we realize. With the majority of clients they will say that they are experiencing safety, however that is a ‘conditioned safety’ or what I’m calling a ‘pseudo safety’ which has more in common with a nervous system chronically conditioned to a freeze response rather than a true embodied sense of safety. This makes the EFT conversation around psychological reversal enormously important. As well the conversation around the pace of the work with clients. Nancy Forester
Healing is possible even when they are and I am convinced it isn’t. There is a deeper part of us that is always working to make us whole and when we can engage with it. Healing isn’t just possible, it is inevitable. Steve Wells
I am always in awe of what /people are willing to do to become more of who they really are. Clients are willing to take the leap with someone they barely know and then share their deepest fears and trust that they will be safe. Mary Ayers
Especially when using Emotional Freedom Techniques, I have learned that the real issue isn’t always what the conscious mind thinks it is. A client will often present themselves in my office and tell me all about “their issue” only to later discover that it’s really something quite different than what they thought. I have come to realize that the conscious mind often has little idea of what’s going on within the subconscious mind, which is where the actual issues reside.
Ted Robinson
Over the years I have had a few clients that completed the healing process only after I suggested they acknowledge that I am not their “healer”. They had gotten to a plateau and only after we worked on their ability to recognize that it was their own bodies that were doing the healing did they finish the process. The part of EFT that is so empowering is that much can be done on one’s own. Alina Frank
I have learnt that rapport is key. When a client feels accepted and connected for who they are, great healing occurs. Tania A Prince
Sometimes you need the courage to cry. I had been working with a client who had suffered emotional abuse from an OCD parent through all their schooling years. Every day they would put on a brave face to cope with school and the scorn and judgment of teachers and students.
After a number of tapping sessions, the control required to get through each day was slipping but the old habit of holding on to the mask was still strong. Eventually, as we tapped on the fear of letting go and the courage it had taken to survive all those years the release of tension and shame resulted in a much-needed release of tears and stress from their whole body. It takes great courage to let go and cry and we can help ourselves and others to find the courage required to do so within themselves.
Rod Sherwin

Overcome The Three Biggest Obstacles To Tapping Success

April 19, 2017 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

When people first sign up for my mailing list I send them an email asking them for the two biggest obstacles they encounter when tapping for their issues.

Far and away the three most common responses are:

Not taking the time to tap even when you know you should.
Not knowing what to say when tapping.
Not knowing where to start with a particular issue.

In many ways I think the second and third responses are the reasons for the first. If you don’t know what to say or where to start, you will avoid tapping. Nobody likes to feel incompetent.

In the end, it feels safer subconsciously and emotionally not to try than to deal with feeling inadequate.

I know I behave in this way from time to time.

There is a simple solution, but first a little story…

It was a great big experiment
Back in January I had this wild idea of offering just a few people the opportunity to tap with me for 15 minutes once week for an entire year. When I made the offer I mainly felt confident that it would work, but at the same time I was a little nervous.

First, I was nervous because I had never made an offer like this before and I didn’t know how my audience would respond. Second, I had never worked clients in that way before. I was confident in my ability and confident in the power of tapping regularly, but I didn’t know how the format it would work out for clients.

It was an experiment.

AND it turned out even better than I planned. I absolutely love these client calls! It is so much fun to work with a client over a long period and have the chance to help them exactly where they are each week.

What the participants are saying
It’s one thing for me to feel like the process has been a success, it is something else to hear from the people with whom I have been tapping. Last week I sent each of the participants a note asking if they would be willing to share their experience.

Here is what a few of them had to say:

“With the combination of tapping, Gene’s insights, and the recordings to use forever after, SO much is accomplished in just 15 minutes! I’m very grateful — and a little amazed — by the richness of these short sessions.”

“When I saw Gene’s offer for weekly 15-minute tapping sessions, I jumped at the chance. I appreciate the brevity of the appointments, the ease of scheduling sessions online, getting reminders via email, and that Gene calls me and I don’t have to do anything but answer my phone. I would probably not find time to tap without these quick weekly sessions. Gene has a gift for finding exactly the right thing to tap about in a thoughtful and non-judgmental way.” — Catherine

“Tapping with Gene has been one of the most effective forms of personal development work I have experienced. Gene has the unique gift for grasping the topic I want to work on with minimal explanations and instantly finds the right words to help uncover core issues. Additionally his sense of humor makes working with him as pleasurable as it is rewarding.”

“Here’s what you need to know – 1) It’s definitely worthwhile and amazing value for money, and 2) 15 minutes is definitely long enough for a highly impactful session! Furthermore, Gene records the sessions which means I can go back to them at any time and draw on what we did together on that day. I now have new resources I didn’t have before that are helping me each day to cope in a world where we’re all way too busy and believe that perfection is the standard.” — Caren Hendrie

“This is the most helpful thing that I am doing right now for my business and for my personal healing. Gene is a first-class coach who focuses just on my needs and the weekly sessions allow me just the right amount of time to digest what we discuss and to have my questions ready for the next session. Feeling totally supported in this way means I can take bolder steps. Things are really shifting.” — Dan

Why work with a practitioner?
One of reasons that tapping with another person can feel so much more powerful than tapping alone is because it solves the three problems listed above. First, you show up to tap because you have made the commitment, second, they provide the words for you, and third (when they are a skilled practitioner) they help you quickly to get to the root cause of what is going on.

Clients have told me countless times, “I had no idea that was the real issue. Thanks for helping me to find it!”.

Room for 6 more people
It’s been a lot of fun doing this type of work and I have seen how powerful these regular sessions have been for my clients, so I have decided to open up the offer to six more people in a slightly modified way.

You can have someone to help you to tap every week for the next six months for only $997. That price represents a 30% discount off my normal hourly rate.

There are only six spots. Once they are filled, that’s it. In order to be fully present to each of my clients I have to limit how many new people I can take on.

Read all of the details below carefully before you sign up. If you have any questions all you need to do is reply to this email.

You will receive a 15-minute session once a week for six months (26 weeks).
You are allowed to skip two weeks and have them added to the end of the six months.
You may not combine weeks to create longer sessions.
I am available for sessions 7:00 am to 5:30 pm Eastern time Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. My regular office hours are between 10:00 am and 5:30 pm. I have added the extra morning hours just for this program.
Because of travel I am not always available every single Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, but will always be available at least two of these days a week.
It is the client’s responsibility to schedule their sessions on my online calendar.
The purchase is non-refundable.
Every effort will be made to record the sessions so that you can go back and tap along to the audio again in the future, but there is no guarantee the session will be recorded. I make every effort to make this happen, but very occasionally technical issues that corrupt the audio get in the way.

I know. All of those details seem kind of heavy and not in the spirit of healing. I wrote those bullet points in blunt terms to make sure that we are all on the same page.

Like I said, there are only six spots.

If you would like to sign up, you can do so here: https://tappingqanda.com/6months

10-Part Weight Release Series with EFT

December 26, 2016 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

My friend Catherine Poole uses the term “weight release” instead of “weight loss”. I prefer “weight release” because I think it speaks to a more holistic approach to improving health than just diet and exercise.

It is about allowing our system to let go of the weight that we are holding on to for both physical and emotional reasons.

Here is a 10-part guide to using EFT and tapping for weight release.

Part 1: Making it safe and giving ourselves permission to heal

Part 2: How to respond when our weight release goals don’t feel emotionally believable

Part 3: The connections between weight and emotion – an interview with Catherine Poole

Part 4: Dealing with mindless eating

Part 5: Pre-emptive tapping to avoid temptation

Part 6: Our relationship to food

Part 7: Our relationships to others when we are around food

Part 8: Why we don’t tap even when we know it works

Part 9: The emotional reason for extra weight

Part 10: Tapping to improve metabolic function

Do I Have To Say The Phrases Out Loud When I Use EFT?

September 19, 2016 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #4. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Question: I would like to know whether it is best to talk out loud when you’re tapping or if it’s okay to just focus on the issue, memory, or body sensation without using words? I wonder if whether using words silently or out loud engages a specific part of the brain and whether or not this has a different effect?
Jane in France

This question shows up in lots of ways. Sometimes I would get emails that ask me, “What are the tapping phrases for in certain issues?” As if there are some sort of specific magical phrases for tapping.

We know for tapping to be successful, it’s a combination of two things:

We are tuning in concentrating on the issue, and
We are providing stimulus to the tapping points.

That’s where the relief comes from.

The way that we tune in can be different from moment to moment, from person to person. It is possible for me to say words out loud and not have it be a focusing factor. I can say, “this pain in my knee, this pain in my knee, this pain in my knee” and be completely preoccupied with my laundry or the errands I have to run. It doesn’t matter that I’m saying the words out loud.

There are other times where I can be completely focused and engrossed in my knee and not say any words at all, just in the way that I put my attention.

For me, what I think most important is to create concrete details about what we are tapping on. For us to have concrete details we need to give the issue language. As an example, I want you to think about an apple.

As you did that you might have thought of a computer or you might have thought of an apple, like a piece of fruit. What I want you to do is to focus on a piece of fruit if you thought of a computer.

I want you to describe the apple. What does it look like? Does it have a stem? Does it have a leaf? What color is it? Is it red, is it green, is there yellow because it’s still ripening? Is it firm? Is it kind of mushy?

As you tune into it you start to give it specific characteristics as it comes into sharper focus. When we’re tapping, the sharper focus we can bring something in, the more successful the tapping is going to be.

That doesn’t mean we have to have it in sharp focus. It simply means anytime we can get the focus sharper it will allow us to move forward.

There are times when I am tapping with a client and they are just bawling hysterically so I really don’t need to ask them, “Zero to ten, how big is your sadness? Where do you feel it in your body?” That’s not the question I need to ask. It is something that is so consuming and they are so tuned into it in this moment, we just have to tap.

When this happens what we’ll notice is as they tap and the intensity comes down, all of a sudden they will start to having language for it. It’s heaviness in my chest, it’s a burden on my shoulders, it’s tears stuck behind my eyes. As the intensity comes down, the clarity becomes useful because it’s becoming smaller and smaller and it’s not our entire experience.

For me it doesn’t matter if I say the words out loud or I think them internally, what’s important is how specific I’m getting.

For example, if I’m tapping on a pain I’ll ask myself these questions:

What is the shape of the pain?
Does it have an epicenter or is it evenly distributed?
Is it sharp, dull, hot, poky, burning?
If I were going to paint a picture of this pain what colors would I paint it?
Is there an epicenter?
If I pulled it out of my leg and I held it in my hand, how much would the pain weigh?
If I was going to make a model of this pain so I can show it to second grade class, what materials would I use to demonstrate what it feels like?

None of those questions are diagnostic. It’s just about me focusing in and being really clear about what’s going on. I find that if I’m writing something down on a piece of paper or if I’m saying it out loud, I won’t take shortcuts. I’m going to be specific about what I am saying.

When I teach classes even if people aren’t taking notes and they’re recording it, I have them pretend they’re taking notes and not just by moving their hand like they’re writing, but actually have them make the letters of the notes they would be writing down. Because by forcing ourselves to give words to an experience we’re making it more concrete, and the more concrete we are, the more successful the tapping will be. For me it’s less of an issue of out loud or not. That’s not what the issue is, the issue is whether or not I’m being specific with the words that I’m saying, and as I’m specific with the words it allows me to release and create transformation.

What To Do When The SUD Scale Doesn’t Work For You

September 12, 2016 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #3. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Question: For people who don’t like numbers and tend to measure intensity in very subjective terms, how do you guide them to more meaningful/useful measurements?
Meg, Maryland

When he came up with EFT Gary Craig used the measurement called a SUDs level, which stands for “subjective unit of distress”. What is really interesting in this question is it feels as if when we’re using numbers we’re giving something that’s concrete because it’s measurable and it’s a number. But the truth of the matter is that even when we are putting a number on something, it’s still subjective.

From the very beginning recognize the fact that it’s not about getting something to a three from a seven and bringing it down, it’s more about creating progress and way of measuring that progress.

Often times when work with children for whom assigning a numerical value to something is meaningless because they don’t have a conceptual sense of numeracy, other than knowing their age just because they’ve been told it. So instead will have kids use hand gestures, kind of like they’re showing me the size of the fish.

How big is your anger right now? Or, how big is the nervousness in your stomach? Show me with your hands how big it is. And they really like that.

Again, it’s subjective and it’s giving us this measurement. The thing that’s most important about using any sort of measurement is to give us feedback about the tapping we’re doing to see if we’re heading in the right direction.

There are three types of responses that we can have to tapping.

The first type of response is we feel better. I’m thinking about an issue. I’m thinking about a worry. I am not as worried and the number goes down. Or my anger goes down from a seven to a four. There’s less anger and the intensity of that emotion decreases from a seven to a four.

The second type of response is there’s absolutely no change at all. We do a round of tapping, it’s still in the exact same spot.

The third type of response that we can have is it can actually get worse, or it feels like it is getting worse. For example the first time I tuned into this pain in my knee it was a seven but now that I’ve tapped on a couple of rounds, it’s now a nine.

Let’s take those three responses and just see what they mean.

The first response, it gets better. Well, that’s what’s happening, it’s getting better and that means we’re on the right path. Once it has gotten better we now ask ourselves the question, do I have enough relief or do I want more relief to what is going on? Because sometimes the goal isn’t to get the issue to a zero.

For example, when I’m at a holiday party and I see the sweets over there and I’m really craving sweets, I don’t have to eliminate the craving. I simply have to reduce the craving enough so that I am not tempted to eat the treat that I don’t want to eat, and instead I make a good sensible eating choice based on what I consciously want to do in that moment. I just want better, I don’t necessarily need it to go away. We evaluate, has it gotten better? Has it gotten better enough that I can make a good choice? If not then we tap again to clear as much as we need to.

The second response is it stays exactly the same. If it stays exactly the same, that means is we’re either not tapping on the right issue, there is a reversal of some sort, or we need to get more specific. If this is the case we need to change our tactic so we can approach it in a different way. When we change our tactic and approach it in a different way, we put ourselves in a position where we can be more successful.

The third response is it gets worse, the pain actually intensifies, the anger intensifies, the craving intensifies, and as odd as it seems, that’s actually a really good thing. Not that it’s more painful, not that it’s more intense, but it’s a really good thing because it means that we’re on the right path. Think of it this way. Your knee aches, you have had a knee problem for years and years. As you move through the day you don’t notice it but when you get home from work, you sit down on the couch, take off your shoes, lean back, and then all of a sudden your knee starts to throb.

The sitting on the couch did not cause your knee to hurt more but instead because you’ve been dealing with the business of the day you’ve been thinking about all the things that are in front of you, and so you tune out the pain in your knee in the exact same way you’re tuning out the pressure your socks are putting on your feet right now. The instant I said “socks on your feet” you felt your feet. Even if you weren’t wearing socks you feel your feet touching the floor. You brought attention to it. Your socks didn’t magically cling to your feet in that moment, you just gave them your attention.

There are times when we’re tapping when the intensity goes up because we’re just focusing on the issue that was already there and we’re shedding light on it so it feels bigger. In this process of tapping we’re just looking for feedback. I do a round of tapping I ask is it something that I think is better, is it worse, is it staying the same? That will dictate what my next step is. Either I’m done, or I need to tap more, or I need to approach it in a new way.

When I’m dealing with a client who is really struggling with assigning numbers to the questions like “how big is it?” they might say, “I have no idea how to judge how big grief is, it’s just overwhelming”. We do some rounds of tapping, after we’re done I say, “I want you to imagine what grief felt like when it was overwhelming, what’s it like now? Is it still overwhelming or is it something else?”

You’ll notice in the question I’m not asking, is it more, is it less, I’m just asking if it’s different. If it’s different I will focus in on that difference, “It’s different how? Tell me how it’s different?” If there’s still something that’s hanging around we’re just going to tap on the new thing as if it’s the only issue in the world and it’s the first thing we’ve been presented.

We simply know we’re heading in the right direction because it’s changed in some capacity.

We create this graph to show exactly how much smaller the problem is. We’re simply saying, okay, compared to what it was before, how is it now? Are you satisfied with that or do you still want change? I have found if you approach it in that way it will put you in a circumstance that will allow you to be more successful in communicating the transformational process because sometimes transformation isn’t as easy as “If it was a seven and it’s now a five”.

How To Tap For Your Loved Ones

September 5, 2016 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #2. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Question: How can we use tapping as a remedy for others who lack confidence and suffer from various unwanted habits and physical problems?
Kesavannamboothiri, India

This question sounds like it’s about how to tap surrogately for someone else.

If you’re not familiar with the term surrogate tap, that’s basically when I am tapping on myself as a surrogate in place of you. Often people will teach that we are all connected and we can heal each other. If I just tap on myself, it will have a healing effect on you. I don’t know if that’s necessarily the case. There isn’t any specific scientific evidence that says that is possible. The study of quantum physics and the quantum mechanical principle of entrainment lead us to believe that this is something that is possible and as time passes we’re discovering more and more about this. There are some interesting studies that see this as a possibility, but they’re anything but conclusive.

With that being said, this is the way that I approach it.

The only thing that I truly have control over are the choices I make and my emotional responses. Sometimes I don’t even have control over those. But in the best of all possible worlds, when I am in a resource-rich state and I’m doing the best that I can, that is what I can control.

I can’t control you. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control choices that other people make. I can’t control the dog down the street.

I can control myself and I can control my response.

When I try to positively impact someone around me I’m not actually going to change them because I can’t do that. Instead, what I’m going to do is I’m going to change the way that I show up for them. Because if I show up in a different way, then I will give them the opportunity to make a different choice.

Here is an example to illustrate the way we show up differently and how it impacts the people around us. I travel a lot. Travel problems are inevitable. When that happens there’s this long line of people who are standing up to talk to the gate agent to make changes to their ticket because things have gone wrong.

In that moment people are frustrated because they’re out of control, they’re depending upon someone else, and typically people don’t get on planes unless it’s for something important. If I’m now delayed I’m missing that important thing, or if I’m now delayed I’m missing getting home when I need to get home or when I expect to get home and it’s causing me trouble.

It makes perfect sense that people will be disoriented and emotional in those moments. I observe people going up to talk to the gate agent after I’ve been helped. As each person approaches the counter you can see the gate agent immediately respond to the person who is in front of them based on how they emotionally show up.

If the person steps up to the counter really, really frustrated, immediately they go into defensive mode. And if the person shows up with the attitude of “This really sucks. I know this isn’t your fault. Can you please help me?” even before they say those words, you can see the gate agent actually relax a little bit because they know they’re not fighting with the person in front of them because the person they’re talking to understands what’s going on.

The way the person approaches the counter and the emotion that they are carrying gives the gate agent permission to act in a different way. The kinder they are, the more space there will be for them.

That is the way I approach tapping for others. First is how I show up emotionally. If I show up calmly and I’m not angry, or I’m not anxious, or I’m not worried, it immediately creates space for you to make better choices. The second thing is if I show up in a way in which I’m not overreacting to the way you are acting, then we’re never going to be in the circumstance where anything gets escalated, and my presence and my response makes what you’re doing worse.

Not that I’m taking responsibility for your choices but it’s possible for me to show up in ways where it makes it easier for you to be agitated because of the way I respond to what you do. My goal whenever I want to ‘tap for someone else’ is just to get myself as emotionally clear as I possibly can when I come to the situation.

The way that I do this is through a technique that I call Talk About, Talk To, and Talk As If. There’s a comprehensive explanation of this in Bonus Podcast #22. In that podcast I have a much longer explanation of this process, but I’ll give you a short explanation now so you can use it right away.

It happens in three steps:

Talk about
Talk to
Talk as if

I use this protocol when I’m trying to get myself clear and I use it for an individual. I’m not doing it for people in general but for one person.

I tap the entire time through all three phases, tap, tap, tap. Just let your fingers do the walking. In the talk about phase, I’m going to imagine that I am sitting down with a friend and I’m catching up, and I’m just talking about what is going on for the person whose life ‘I’m tapping for’. I’m going to give them all the details and tell them how I feel. He is doing this and I feel that. She is not doing this and I feel that. I say this, they say that, I feel this. Just talking about what’s going on and then talking about how I feel. The more detail you can go into, the better. The more emotion you can tune into, the better. Again, just talk about it and tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Part two is talk to. In the talk to phase I’m going to be pretending. I don’t have the person around me, they’re not sitting across from me, but I’m going to imagine that I’m going to talk to this person whose I want life to be better. As I do this I share with them everything I want them to hear. And some of those things will be super-positive, “I love you…I want what’s best for you…I want you to heal”. Some of those things might be super-negative, “I hate the fact that you do this and it hurts my life…I hate the fact that you’re acting so selfishly that we have to pick up the pieces for you”. It can be instructive, “I really wish you would pick this up…I really wish you would try this…I really wish you would listen to your mother”. Whatever that is.

As we do this, we imagine everything we say we’re saying directly into their heart and mind, and it is being heard with the intention that we are saying it. In real life we know that’s not the case. I can say something and you can misconstrue it. I can say something and you can bring your biases to it. By doing it in this way I am ensuring I am putting myself in a position where I can just speak freely. I’m going to imagine you’re hearing it, again, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

The third part is talk as if, and in this phase we’re going to guess. We’re not going to know for certain but we’re going to guess we know why the person subconsciously is making the choices that are making. Not consciously but subconsciously. Let’s pretend that we’re really concerned about a drinking problem that a loved one has. Talking as if would be, “I have a feeling that you are drinking every single day after work because you feel really desperate and you feel hopeless, and you don’t want to stay in your apartment alone and drinking a lot numbs the pain”.

When I say that I’m not saying it’s a good choice. I’m not saying it’s a valid way to act. It’s not saying that you don’t have to take responsibility for the bad outcome of that. I’m simply explaining from a subconscious level why they act the way that they do.

Or it could be, I have a feeling that the reason you overreact at work all the time is because in your last job you weren’t taken seriously, so every time you speak up you’re still fighting to be taken seriously. That’s the reason why you’re so combative. I don’t know if that’s the case but I’m guessing. What we do is we take this part and we tune into the person and we do all three steps.

We talk about, we talk to, we talk as if. I found when we do this we show up in a very different way, which makes the relationship better, and we create space, which allows them to make healthier choices. Doesn’t mean that they’re always going to, doesn’t mean they have to change, but we’re creating the space and the opportunity for that to happen.