EFT/Tapping Q and A with Gene Monterastelli - Emotional Freedom Techniques

Overcome The Three Biggest Obstacles To Tapping Success

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When people first sign up for my mailing list I send them an email asking them for the two biggest obstacles they encounter when tapping for their issues.

Far and away the three most common responses are:

  1. Not taking the time to tap even when you know you should.
  2. Not knowing what to say when tapping.
  3. Not knowing where to start with a particular issue.

In many ways I think the second and third responses are the reasons for the first. If you don’t know what to say or where to start, you will avoid tapping. Nobody likes to feel incompetent.

In the end, it feels safer subconsciously and emotionally not to try than to deal with feeling inadequate.

I know I behave in this way from time to time.

There is a simple solution, but first a little story…

It was a great big experiment
Back in January I had this wild idea of offering just a few people the opportunity to tap with me for 15 minutes once week for an entire year. When I made the offer I mainly felt confident that it would work, but at the same time I was a little nervous.

First, I was nervous because I had never made an offer like this before and I didn’t know how my audience would respond. Second, I had never worked clients in that way before. I was confident in my ability and confident in the power of tapping regularly, but I didn’t know how the format it would work out for clients.

It was an experiment.

AND it turned out even better than I planned. I absolutely love these client calls! It is so much fun to work with a client over a long period and have the chance to help them exactly where they are each week.

What the participants are saying
It’s one thing for me to feel like the process has been a success, it is something else to hear from the people with whom I have been tapping. Last week I sent each of the participants a note asking if they would be willing to share their experience.

Here is what a few of them had to say:

“With the combination of tapping, Gene’s insights, and the recordings to use forever after, SO much is accomplished in just 15 minutes! I’m very grateful — and a little amazed — by the richness of these short sessions.”

“When I saw Gene’s offer for weekly 15-minute tapping sessions, I jumped at the chance. I appreciate the brevity of the appointments, the ease of scheduling sessions online, getting reminders via email, and that Gene calls me and I don’t have to do anything but answer my phone. I would probably not find time to tap without these quick weekly sessions. Gene has a gift for finding exactly the right thing to tap about in a thoughtful and non-judgmental way.” — Catherine

“Tapping with Gene has been one of the most effective forms of personal development work I have experienced. Gene has the unique gift for grasping the topic I want to work on with minimal explanations and instantly finds the right words to help uncover core issues. Additionally his sense of humor makes working with him as pleasurable as it is rewarding.”

“Here’s what you need to know – 1) It’s definitely worthwhile and amazing value for money, and 2) 15 minutes is definitely long enough for a highly impactful session! Furthermore, Gene records the sessions which means I can go back to them at any time and draw on what we did together on that day. I now have new resources I didn’t have before that are helping me each day to cope in a world where we’re all way too busy and believe that perfection is the standard.” — Caren Hendrie

“This is the most helpful thing that I am doing right now for my business and for my personal healing. Gene is a first-class coach who focuses just on my needs and the weekly sessions allow me just the right amount of time to digest what we discuss and to have my questions ready for the next session. Feeling totally supported in this way means I can take bolder steps. Things are really shifting.” — Dan

Why work with a practitioner?
One of reasons that tapping with another person can feel so much more powerful than tapping alone is because it solves the three problems listed above. First, you show up to tap because you have made the commitment, second, they provide the words for you, and third (when they are a skilled practitioner) they help you quickly to get to the root cause of what is going on.

Clients have told me countless times, “I had no idea that was the real issue. Thanks for helping me to find it!”.

Room for 6 more people
It’s been a lot of fun doing this type of work and I have seen how powerful these regular sessions have been for my clients, so I have decided to open up the offer to six more people in a slightly modified way.

You can have someone to help you to tap every week for the next six months for only $997. That price represents a 30% discount off my normal hourly rate.

There are only six spots. Once they are filled, that’s it. In order to be fully present to each of my clients I have to limit how many new people I can take on.

Read all of the details below carefully before you sign up. If you have any questions all you need to do is reply to this email.

  • You will receive a 15-minute session once a week for six months (26 weeks).
  • You are allowed to skip two weeks and have them added to the end of the six months.
  • You may not combine weeks to create longer sessions.
  • I am available for sessions 7:00 am to 5:30 pm Eastern time Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. My regular office hours are between 10:00 am and 5:30 pm. I have added the extra morning hours just for this program.
  • Because of travel I am not always available every single Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, but will always be available at least two of these days a week.
  • It is the client’s responsibility to schedule their sessions on my online calendar.
  • The purchase is non-refundable.
  • Every effort will be made to record the sessions so that you can go back and tap along to the audio again in the future, but there is no guarantee the session will be recorded. I make every effort to make this happen, but very occasionally technical issues that corrupt the audio get in the way.

I know. All of those details seem kind of heavy and not in the spirit of healing. I wrote those bullet points in blunt terms to make sure that we are all on the same page.

Like I said, there are only six spots.

If you would like to sign up, you can do so here: https://tappingqanda.com/6months

Filed Under: Q&A

10-Part Weight Release Series with EFT

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My friend Catherine Poole uses the term “weight release” instead of “weight loss”. I prefer “weight release” because I think it speaks to a more holistic approach to improving health than just diet and exercise.

It is about allowing our system to let go of the weight that we are holding on to for both physical and emotional reasons.

Here is a 10-part guide to using EFT and tapping for weight release.

Part 1: Making it safe and giving ourselves permission to heal

Part 2: How to respond when our weight release goals don’t feel emotionally believable

Part 3: The connections between weight and emotion – an interview with Catherine Poole

Part 4: Dealing with mindless eating

Part 5: Pre-emptive tapping to avoid temptation

Part 6: Our relationship to food

Part 7: Our relationships to others when we are around food

Part 8: Why we don’t tap even when we know it works

Part 9: The emotional reason for extra weight

Part 10: Tapping to improve metabolic function

The Two (Surprisingly) Different Outcomes That Come From Tapping

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The Two Surprisingly Different Outcomes That Come From Tapping

When I first started using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) I thought the reason that we tapped was to feel better. My first two tapping experiences reinforced this belief.

My first memory of using EFT on my own was getting rid of one of the most profound headaches I had ever experienced in about 90 seconds. My second big moment was dealing with my social anxiety.

It makes sense that this is what I thought EFT was all about because in both cases I felt SO much better.

But there will be times when using tapping only as a way to feel better will do us a disservice because it impacts the action we take.

Let me explain…

When We Take Action

The two times we are most likely to take action are when we are in a great deal of pain or if we are really close to achieving our goal. When in pain, action is easy because we want the pain to stop. When we are so close to our goal that we can almost taste it, work and effort needed to get there feel like a breeze because we can see and feel how much our life will improve when we do.

We are least likely to take action when we are in those times in between the extremes. It is kind of a tolerable middle, not comfortable because we don’t have quite what we want, but also a long way from profound pain in the moment.

Because there is no acute pain pushing us, we are not too keen on taking action. When we are a long way from achieving our goal it feels (on a conscious or subconscious level) like it is too much effort and just might not work out so there is no strong motivation to move.

One of the biggest mistakes people make with their tapping practice is that they use it to move from discomfort to the tolerable middle and from where they then fail to take further action.

For example:

I feel bad about how out of shape I have gotten and I want to lose a little weight. Right now is very busy time at work, so I tap something like this:

I really want to lose some weight right now…This is one of my long term goals…I know how much better my life will be when I lose some weight…I will feel more energetic…I will be healthier…And right now life is so busy…I know if I do a little work every day…In the long run it will make a difference…All I need to do is take some time at lunch every day…I can go for a brisk 30-minute walk…It won’t be enough in the long run…But because of everything that’s going on in my life it will be a great start…And I can build it into something more.

After tapping it’s likely that you will feel a lot better. You will feel like you have a plan. The discomfort of the moment will have passed and, because this isn’t the end of the world, you go happily about your day.

BUT you know as well as I do that you won’t go for that walk on Monday during your lunch break.

You have tapped away the pain of the moment, but only in so far as you have put yourself in the tolerable middle. You aren’t going to walk on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. You are going to wake up Thursday morning feeling run down from the week and then you will beat yourself up again for not taking any action.

Now you feel bad because you are out of shape AND you feel like a failure because you didn’t take action.

Tapping To Take Action

When we are wanting to take action we don’t want to be tapping for the discomfort, but instead be tapping for new action.

The easiest way to do this is laid out in The Great Visualization Hoax – A 4-Step Tapping Plan Of Attack.

If you would like more guidance in tapping so that you aren’t just feeling better but moving from discomfort to action, you should check out Ruach Center. As a member you will have access to over 150 tools and tap-along audios that will help you to put a stop to self-sabotage and lead you to positive action.

Do I Have To Say The Phrases Out Loud When I Use EFT?

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #4. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Do I Have To Say The Phrases Out When Tapping-Question: I would like to know whether it is best to talk out loud when you’re tapping or if it’s okay to just focus on the issue, memory, or body sensation without using words? I wonder if whether using words silently or out loud engages a specific part of the brain and whether or not this has a different effect?
Jane in France

This question shows up in lots of ways. Sometimes I would get emails that ask me, “What are the tapping phrases for in certain issues?” As if there are some sort of specific magical phrases for tapping.

We know for tapping to be successful, it’s a combination of two things:

  1. We are tuning in concentrating on the issue, and
  2. We are providing stimulus to the tapping points.

That’s where the relief comes from.

The way that we tune in can be different from moment to moment, from person to person. It is possible for me to say words out loud and not have it be a focusing factor. I can say, “this pain in my knee, this pain in my knee, this pain in my knee” and be completely preoccupied with my laundry or the errands I have to run. It doesn’t matter that I’m saying the words out loud.

There are other times where I can be completely focused and engrossed in my knee and not say any words at all, just in the way that I put my attention.

For me, what I think most important is to create concrete details about what we are tapping on. For us to have concrete details we need to give the issue language. As an example, I want you to think about an apple.

As you did that you might have thought of a computer or you might have thought of an apple, like a piece of fruit. What I want you to do is to focus on a piece of fruit if you thought of a computer.

I want you to describe the apple. What does it look like? Does it have a stem? Does it have a leaf? What color is it? Is it red, is it green, is there yellow because it’s still ripening? Is it firm? Is it kind of mushy?

As you tune into it you start to give it specific characteristics as it comes into sharper focus. When we’re tapping, the sharper focus we can bring something in, the more successful the tapping is going to be.

That doesn’t mean we have to have it in sharp focus. It simply means anytime we can get the focus sharper it will allow us to move forward.

There are times when I am tapping with a client and they are just bawling hysterically so I really don’t need to ask them, “Zero to ten, how big is your sadness? Where do you feel it in your body?” That’s not the question I need to ask. It is something that is so consuming and they are so tuned into it in this moment, we just have to tap.

When this happens what we’ll notice is as they tap and the intensity comes down, all of a sudden they will start to having language for it. It’s heaviness in my chest, it’s a burden on my shoulders, it’s tears stuck behind my eyes. As the intensity comes down, the clarity becomes useful because it’s becoming smaller and smaller and it’s not our entire experience.

For me it doesn’t matter if I say the words out loud or I think them internally, what’s important is how specific I’m getting.

For example, if I’m tapping on a pain I’ll ask myself these questions:

  • What is the shape of the pain?
  • Does it have an epicenter or is it evenly distributed?
  • Is it sharp, dull, hot, poky, burning?
  • If I were going to paint a picture of this pain what colors would I paint it?
  • Is there an epicenter?
  • If I pulled it out of my leg and I held it in my hand, how much would the pain weigh?
  • If I was going to make a model of this pain so I can show it to second grade class, what materials would I use to demonstrate what it feels like?

None of those questions are diagnostic. It’s just about me focusing in and being really clear about what’s going on. I find that if I’m writing something down on a piece of paper or if I’m saying it out loud, I won’t take shortcuts. I’m going to be specific about what I am saying.

When I teach classes even if people aren’t taking notes and they’re recording it, I have them pretend they’re taking notes and not just by moving their hand like they’re writing, but actually have them make the letters of the notes they would be writing down. Because by forcing ourselves to give words to an experience we’re making it more concrete, and the more concrete we are, the more successful the tapping will be. For me it’s less of an issue of out loud or not. That’s not what the issue is, the issue is whether or not I’m being specific with the words that I’m saying, and as I’m specific with the words it allows me to release and create transformation.

What To Do When The SUD Scale Doesn’t Work For You

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #3. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

what-to-do-with-sudQuestion: For people who don’t like numbers and tend to measure intensity in very subjective terms, how do you guide them to more meaningful/useful measurements?
Meg, Maryland

When he came up with EFT Gary Craig used the measurement called a SUDs level, which stands for “subjective unit of distress”. What is really interesting in this question is it feels as if when we’re using numbers we’re giving something that’s concrete because it’s measurable and it’s a number. But the truth of the matter is that even when we are putting a number on something, it’s still subjective.

From the very beginning recognize the fact that it’s not about getting something to a three from a seven and bringing it down, it’s more about creating progress and way of measuring that progress.

Often times when work with children for whom assigning a numerical value to something is meaningless because they don’t have a conceptual sense of numeracy, other than knowing their age just because they’ve been told it. So instead will have kids use hand gestures, kind of like they’re showing me the size of the fish.

How big is your anger right now? Or, how big is the nervousness in your stomach? Show me with your hands how big it is. And they really like that.

Again, it’s subjective and it’s giving us this measurement. The thing that’s most important about using any sort of measurement is to give us feedback about the tapping we’re doing to see if we’re heading in the right direction.

There are three types of responses that we can have to tapping.

The first type of response is we feel better. I’m thinking about an issue. I’m thinking about a worry. I am not as worried and the number goes down. Or my anger goes down from a seven to a four. There’s less anger and the intensity of that emotion decreases from a seven to a four.

The second type of response is there’s absolutely no change at all. We do a round of tapping, it’s still in the exact same spot.

The third type of response that we can have is it can actually get worse, or it feels like it is getting worse. For example the first time I tuned into this pain in my knee it was a seven but now that I’ve tapped on a couple of rounds, it’s now a nine.

Let’s take those three responses and just see what they mean.

The first response, it gets better. Well, that’s what’s happening, it’s getting better and that means we’re on the right path. Once it has gotten better we now ask ourselves the question, do I have enough relief or do I want more relief to what is going on? Because sometimes the goal isn’t to get the issue to a zero.

For example, when I’m at a holiday party and I see the sweets over there and I’m really craving sweets, I don’t have to eliminate the craving. I simply have to reduce the craving enough so that I am not tempted to eat the treat that I don’t want to eat, and instead I make a good sensible eating choice based on what I consciously want to do in that moment. I just want better, I don’t necessarily need it to go away. We evaluate, has it gotten better? Has it gotten better enough that I can make a good choice? If not then we tap again to clear as much as we need to.

The second response is it stays exactly the same. If it stays exactly the same, that means is we’re either not tapping on the right issue, there is a reversal of some sort, or we need to get more specific. If this is the case we need to change our tactic so we can approach it in a different way. When we change our tactic and approach it in a different way, we put ourselves in a position where we can be more successful.

The third response is it gets worse, the pain actually intensifies, the anger intensifies, the craving intensifies, and as odd as it seems, that’s actually a really good thing. Not that it’s more painful, not that it’s more intense, but it’s a really good thing because it means that we’re on the right path. Think of it this way. Your knee aches, you have had a knee problem for years and years. As you move through the day you don’t notice it but when you get home from work, you sit down on the couch, take off your shoes, lean back, and then all of a sudden your knee starts to throb.

The sitting on the couch did not cause your knee to hurt more but instead because you’ve been dealing with the business of the day you’ve been thinking about all the things that are in front of you, and so you tune out the pain in your knee in the exact same way you’re tuning out the pressure your socks are putting on your feet right now. The instant I said “socks on your feet” you felt your feet. Even if you weren’t wearing socks you feel your feet touching the floor. You brought attention to it. Your socks didn’t magically cling to your feet in that moment, you just gave them your attention.

There are times when we’re tapping when the intensity goes up because we’re just focusing on the issue that was already there and we’re shedding light on it so it feels bigger. In this process of tapping we’re just looking for feedback. I do a round of tapping I ask is it something that I think is better, is it worse, is it staying the same? That will dictate what my next step is. Either I’m done, or I need to tap more, or I need to approach it in a new way.

When I’m dealing with a client who is really struggling with assigning numbers to the questions like “how big is it?” they might say, “I have no idea how to judge how big grief is, it’s just overwhelming”. We do some rounds of tapping, after we’re done I say, “I want you to imagine what grief felt like when it was overwhelming, what’s it like now? Is it still overwhelming or is it something else?”

You’ll notice in the question I’m not asking, is it more, is it less, I’m just asking if it’s different. If it’s different I will focus in on that difference, “It’s different how? Tell me how it’s different?” If there’s still something that’s hanging around we’re just going to tap on the new thing as if it’s the only issue in the world and it’s the first thing we’ve been presented.

We simply know we’re heading in the right direction because it’s changed in some capacity.

We create this graph to show exactly how much smaller the problem is. We’re simply saying, okay, compared to what it was before, how is it now? Are you satisfied with that or do you still want change? I have found if you approach it in that way it will put you in a circumstance that will allow you to be more successful in communicating the transformational process because sometimes transformation isn’t as easy as “If it was a seven and it’s now a five”.

How To Tap For Your Loved Ones

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #2. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

How To Tap For Your Loved OnesQuestion: How can we use tapping as a remedy for others who lack confidence and suffer from various unwanted habits and physical problems?
Kesavannamboothiri, India

This question sounds like it’s about how to tap surrogately for someone else.

If you’re not familiar with the term surrogate tap, that’s basically when I am tapping on myself as a surrogate in place of you. Often people will teach that we are all connected and we can heal each other. If I just tap on myself, it will have a healing effect on you. I don’t know if that’s necessarily the case. There isn’t any specific scientific evidence that says that is possible. The study of quantum physics and the quantum mechanical principle of entrainment lead us to believe that this is something that is possible and as time passes we’re discovering more and more about this. There are some interesting studies that see this as a possibility, but they’re anything but conclusive.

With that being said, this is the way that I approach it.

The only thing that I truly have control over are the choices I make and my emotional responses. Sometimes I don’t even have control over those. But in the best of all possible worlds, when I am in a resource-rich state and I’m doing the best that I can, that is what I can control.

I can’t control you. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control choices that other people make. I can’t control the dog down the street.

I can control myself and I can control my response.

When I try to positively impact someone around me I’m not actually going to change them because I can’t do that. Instead, what I’m going to do is I’m going to change the way that I show up for them. Because if I show up in a different way, then I will give them the opportunity to make a different choice.

Here is an example to illustrate the way we show up differently and how it impacts the people around us. I travel a lot. Travel problems are inevitable. When that happens there’s this long line of people who are standing up to talk to the gate agent to make changes to their ticket because things have gone wrong.

In that moment people are frustrated because they’re out of control, they’re depending upon someone else, and typically people don’t get on planes unless it’s for something important. If I’m now delayed I’m missing that important thing, or if I’m now delayed I’m missing getting home when I need to get home or when I expect to get home and it’s causing me trouble.

It makes perfect sense that people will be disoriented and emotional in those moments. I observe people going up to talk to the gate agent after I’ve been helped. As each person approaches the counter you can see the gate agent immediately respond to the person who is in front of them based on how they emotionally show up.

If the person steps up to the counter really, really frustrated, immediately they go into defensive mode. And if the person shows up with the attitude of “This really sucks. I know this isn’t your fault. Can you please help me?” even before they say those words, you can see the gate agent actually relax a little bit because they know they’re not fighting with the person in front of them because the person they’re talking to understands what’s going on.

The way the person approaches the counter and the emotion that they are carrying gives the gate agent permission to act in a different way. The kinder they are, the more space there will be for them.

That is the way I approach tapping for others. First is how I show up emotionally. If I show up calmly and I’m not angry, or I’m not anxious, or I’m not worried, it immediately creates space for you to make better choices. The second thing is if I show up in a way in which I’m not overreacting to the way you are acting, then we’re never going to be in the circumstance where anything gets escalated, and my presence and my response makes what you’re doing worse.

Not that I’m taking responsibility for your choices but it’s possible for me to show up in ways where it makes it easier for you to be agitated because of the way I respond to what you do. My goal whenever I want to ‘tap for someone else’ is just to get myself as emotionally clear as I possibly can when I come to the situation.

The way that I do this is through a technique that I call Talk About, Talk To, and Talk As If. There’s a comprehensive explanation of this in Bonus Podcast #22. In that podcast I have a much longer explanation of this process, but I’ll give you a short explanation now so you can use it right away.

It happens in three steps:

  1. Talk about
  2. Talk to
  3. Talk as if

I use this protocol when I’m trying to get myself clear and I use it for an individual. I’m not doing it for people in general but for one person.

I tap the entire time through all three phases, tap, tap, tap. Just let your fingers do the walking. In the talk about phase, I’m going to imagine that I am sitting down with a friend and I’m catching up, and I’m just talking about what is going on for the person whose life ‘I’m tapping for’. I’m going to give them all the details and tell them how I feel. He is doing this and I feel that. She is not doing this and I feel that. I say this, they say that, I feel this. Just talking about what’s going on and then talking about how I feel. The more detail you can go into, the better. The more emotion you can tune into, the better. Again, just talk about it and tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Part two is talk to. In the talk to phase I’m going to be pretending. I don’t have the person around me, they’re not sitting across from me, but I’m going to imagine that I’m going to talk to this person whose I want life to be better. As I do this I share with them everything I want them to hear. And some of those things will be super-positive, “I love you…I want what’s best for you…I want you to heal”. Some of those things might be super-negative, “I hate the fact that you do this and it hurts my life…I hate the fact that you’re acting so selfishly that we have to pick up the pieces for you”. It can be instructive, “I really wish you would pick this up…I really wish you would try this…I really wish you would listen to your mother”. Whatever that is.

As we do this, we imagine everything we say we’re saying directly into their heart and mind, and it is being heard with the intention that we are saying it. In real life we know that’s not the case. I can say something and you can misconstrue it. I can say something and you can bring your biases to it. By doing it in this way I am ensuring I am putting myself in a position where I can just speak freely. I’m going to imagine you’re hearing it, again, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

The third part is talk as if, and in this phase we’re going to guess. We’re not going to know for certain but we’re going to guess we know why the person subconsciously is making the choices that are making. Not consciously but subconsciously. Let’s pretend that we’re really concerned about a drinking problem that a loved one has. Talking as if would be, “I have a feeling that you are drinking every single day after work because you feel really desperate and you feel hopeless, and you don’t want to stay in your apartment alone and drinking a lot numbs the pain”.

When I say that I’m not saying it’s a good choice. I’m not saying it’s a valid way to act. It’s not saying that you don’t have to take responsibility for the bad outcome of that. I’m simply explaining from a subconscious level why they act the way that they do.

Or it could be, I have a feeling that the reason you overreact at work all the time is because in your last job you weren’t taken seriously, so every time you speak up you’re still fighting to be taken seriously. That’s the reason why you’re so combative. I don’t know if that’s the case but I’m guessing. What we do is we take this part and we tune into the person and we do all three steps.

We talk about, we talk to, we talk as if. I found when we do this we show up in a very different way, which makes the relationship better, and we create space, which allows them to make healthier choices. Doesn’t mean that they’re always going to, doesn’t mean they have to change, but we’re creating the space and the opportunity for that to happen.

Transformation As A Process, Not A Single Giant Step

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #1. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Transformation As A Process, Not As A Single Giant StepQuestion: When you’re doing your tap-along audios you say the words “in big and small” ways a lot. I never really connected with these phrases. Could you expand on why you use those phrases?
– Melissa, Texas

There’s a specific reason why I use those phrases. Our subconscious mind is very good at making the things we experience in the world into all or nothing propositions. The reason it does this is because every single time we have to think a new thought, it costs us energy.

Thinking is one of the most energy intensive things that we do in our bodies. That’s the reason why if you ever go to a training course and you’re learning new things all day, at the end of the day you just feel like you’ve been flattened and wiped out energetically, even though the only thing you’ve done is just sat there and listened and taken notes. Because you’re thinking so hard it is very energy intensive.

As we navigate our day, the reason we have habits is so we don’t have to think. A number of studies have been done where they have taken nodes and stuck them right into the middle of the brains of rats as they are learning a maze and making the maze a habit. Once it becomes a habit, it takes very little energy for them to navigate the maze because they’re simply responding to the habit they have developed.

Where that shows up in the rest of our life is it makes things into all or nothing propositions because we don’t have to think. If everything is good or everything is bad about something, then there’s no nuance, there’s no subtlety. The instant we bring subtlety into play, it’s a bad idea…except in this situation…because of these extenuating circumstances…it’s actually a good idea. That takes a lot of capacity.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s what I think we should be doing. I think we should be thoughtful as we navigate this. When we’re talking about transformation and we’re tapping on the phrase “I allow myself to change this in big and small ways”, what I’m doing for myself – and this might not resonate with you and might not work with you – is I’m communicating with myself that this transformation doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition.

Often really small changes add up into amazing things in my life…when a small change is multiplied by every moment of my day, or every moment of my week, or every moment of my life. When I use that phrase “in big and small ways” I’m encouraging my system to remember that is how transformation can happen and it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition. And I found for myself it allows change to happen more quickly because it’s opening my system to incremental change and not making the transformation all at once.

Pod #236: Your Questions about EFT Answered

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QandA BlueA few weeks ago I put out the call for your questions about EFT and how to best use it.

I received a number of amazing questions. (Note: If you would like a question answered on a future podcast please send it to me via this link)

In this episode I answer questions about:

  • The phrases I use when I tap.
  • Surrogate tapping for the physical and emotional needs of loved ones.
  • How to use the SUDs scale when you don’t like using numbers.
  • Saying tapping phrases out loud when you are tapping alone.

You can find the full transcript of the audio below the player.

Transcripts of the questions and answers:

Will Tapping To Negative Phrases Manifest Negative Outcomes?

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Should I avoid negative phrases when tapping-

Question: I am worried that if I say negative phrases while tapping I will bring negative things into my life. How can I use EFT without having to use negative phrases?

I have received this question a lot and there are few reasons why it’s such a common question.

First, some people don’t want to focus on the negative because they are worried that they will tap something negative into their system. When we are tapping we are not tapping anything in or anything out of our system. Instead we releasing the thoughts and beliefs that are not useful. It is a process of returning to our natural emotional balance.

Second, some people believe that the subconscious mind does not understand negative statements and take these as statements of desire. For example, the belief is that since your subconscious mind doesn’t understand the negative when you say “I don’t want to be fat!” the subconscious hears “I want to be fat!”

There is no proof that this is the case (as in this has never been proven in the context of scientific experimentation). AND I could not find an explanation why it would be useful for our subconscious mind to screen out the negative.

I believe it works in exactly the opposite way. Instead of not hearing the negative, I believe that if there is any belief in our subconscious mind about a negative outcome, it will present itself no matter what we say.

Positive v Negative Phrases

Let’s take a look at what happens when we are tapping using both negative and positive tapping phrases. For this example we are going to use the issue of wanting to lose weight.

If we used negative phrases we might tap on something like this:

I have failed before at losing weight…and I’m worried that I will fail again…every time I lose the weight it creeps back…but this time will be different…not only do I have a plan to lose the weight…but I have a support system in place…to help me keep it off.

If instead we decided tap with positive phrases, it would go like this:

I am going to lose weight…I am going keep the weight off…I am going to look awesome…I am going to feel so much better.

On the surface it looks as if we are only focusing on the positive, but our internal monologue is very different. Every time one of those phrases is said out loud if there is any part of the system that doesn’t believe the phrase to be true, the critical voice will speak up to voice its objections. It might go something like this:

What is said Out loud: I am going to lose weight.
What the internal critical voice says in response: And then gain it right back.
Out loud: I am going keep the weight off.
Critical voice: No you aren’t. You failed before and you will fail again.
Out loud: I am going to look awesome.
Critical voice: Only for a short while.
Out loud: I am going to feel so much better.
Critical voice: And then the weight will pile back on and you will feel like crap.

You can see that when we only focus only on the positive and there is a part of us that doesn’t believe the positive statement, the negative will show up.

The good news about this that it doesn’t matter if we use positive or negative phrases because either way we will find our way to tapping on the issues needing attention.

Which Should I Tap On?

The question becomes “Should I use positive or negative phrases while tapping?” For me, the answer is both.

If I recognize a specific limiting belief or block, like the fear of gaining the weight back, my tapping will be most effective if I go right at that issue.

At the same time, when I state the goal I want to achieve in the positive I will find my way to negative self-talk and limiting beliefs that I didn’t know existed.

When tapping I recommend that you alternate between positive and negative phrases so that you get both of these benefits.

Tapping Tools You Might Have Forgotten About

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ToolsForgottenMany people don’t know that the T in EFT stands for “Techniques”, which is plural.

When Gary Craig, the creator of EFT, was studying Thought Field Therapy and teaching EFT, he understood that the process would grow and change with time. Each time a new person learned tapping, they had the opportunity to add a new twist.

I love the fact that tapping is constantly growing and changing. The way I use tapping today is radically different than just five years ago. I have added techniques from hypnosis, NLP, parts mediation, and many other protocols to my work. (Learn how I use these other techniques with tapping.)

One of the drawbacks to all of this innovation is that we end up leaving behind lots of useful tools and techniques. In the last few months I have found myself returning to many of these older, forgotten tools because they work.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Collarbone Eye Roll

I find that the Collarbone Eye Roll is most useful when the intensity of the issue you are working on is at a 2 or less on a scale of 0–10. It is also a great way to seal your work. If it feels like there is a shadow of an issue left after you have worked on it, the Collarbone Eye Roll is a great way to resolve that feeling.

To do the Collarbone Eye Roll focus on the issue you are tapping for, tap on the collarbone point and continue to tap there until you finish this routine.

While tapping keep your head still and your eyes open:

  • rotate your eyes 3 times clockwise
  • rotate your eyes 3 times counterclockwise
  • move your eyes from floor to ceiling 3 times, like you are watching a helium filled balloon rise up
  • dart your eyes left to right 3 times, as if you are watching the ball in a tennis match

Finger Points

When you look at most tapping point diagrams you see only the ones that are on the body. Even in my book on using EFT for Anger Management I excluded these points.

There were a few reasons I moved away from teaching the finger points:

  • The main reason was that I was having enough success with just the tapping points on the head and body so didn’t feel that I needed them.
  • It was easier to use fewer points when teaching beginners.
  • When I was working on the phone with clients who didn’t have a headset, I found they were awkward points to reach because they were holding the phone with one hand.

Recently, when tapping for my own issues, I have found myself using the finger points more and more and they have been very effective at clearing issues quickly.

Rubbing The Sore Spot

In the early versions of tapping we were instructed either to tap on the side of the hand or to “rub the sore spot” when we repeated the set-up phrase.

The sore spot is located between the shoulder, collarbone, and pectoral muscle. It is called the sore spot because it can feel tender. This is the place in the body where the by-products of the lymphatic system are dumped.

In addition to adding this to the beginning of my tapping sessions, I find it relaxing to rub the sore spot even when I am not working on a particular issue.

Liver Spot

The liver spot is located directly below the nipples on the edge of the rib cage. I think one of the main reasons the liver spot is not often taught is because some people find it embarrassing to explain in mixed company.

Tapping on the liver spot is great for helping to relieve frustration, anger, and rage.

Doing More, Not Less

I can appreciate the move to simplify tapping, but I worry that sometimes in our attempts to make it simpler, we end up losing some of its power.

Please let me know what your experience is of bringing back some of these often forgotten tapping points.