Trying On The Old Positive Feeling

December 9, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

Things in my life have gone all pear-shaped lately. About three years ago life was going great and then everything seemed to fall apart. I started to have health issues, I ended a long-term relationship, and I just didn’t have the same energy when I got up in the morning. Is there a way that I can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to make my way back to feeling good?

photo by Maria Morr

I love synchronicity in life. I received this email the same day I worked with a client for a very similar issue. The client call was with “Betty” who wanted to do some work because she was physically exhausted all the time and life seemed like a real chore.

At the beginning of our call Betty shared that in the last six years two of her loved ones had died, she had gained weight, and she was feeling very disconnected from a job she used to enjoy.

To start with we spent some time on her emotional state and how she felt in the immediate moment. I have found when working with a multifaceted issue that it is best to start with how we feel about all the issues and how they are affecting our lives today.

I do this because it can be hard to focus on any one aspect of our issues when we feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done. By taking time to do just a few rounds of tapping to deal with the current emotional state we will gain clarity around the larger issues that need our attention.

Betty and I spent about 15 minutes just working with how overwhelming it felt to be dealing with so many issues. We also spent some time on how overwhelming life felt because of her lack of energy. After doing this work she felt much more at peace. Life wasn’t perfect, but she was ready for the next step.

Without being asked she started talking about what life was like six years ago. She talked about how she felt like she used to “spark” back then and that she really wanted to experience that again. Her goal was not to somehow achieve an issue-free life, but she really wanted have energy for life again.

I had her start tapping again and asked her to take a few deep breaths and tune into the feeling she felt six years ago when she felt the “spark.” After a few seconds she said that she could, and I could hear a little more energy in her voice.

I asked her, figuratively speaking, to “try on” the old feeling of that spark, energy, and zest for life, as if it were a new outfit that she was trying on at a store. She reported that it felt really good. I followed up by asking, “What doesn’t fit quite right? Is it too small, too big, or does it feel uncomfortable in any way?”

Betty then described that it didn’t fit right because some of the relationships at work had changed. A good friend had been promoted and she felt it would change their relationship. We then did some tapping around that issue and very quickly she said that she felt at peace about this relationship.

Again, I had her “try on” the outfit of feeling that old spark for life. It felt even better, but this time she was worried because of her health. She was afraid that she wasn’t going to be able to do as much at work as she did before and since she was doing less work she was concerned that it would be less enjoyable. We spent some time tapping on having balance at work and not doing too much. We also did some tapping around the idea that good work is judged by the quality of work, how we are challenged, and being able to contribute. Good work is not judged by the quantity of work that is done.

We repeated this process three or four more times. Each time Betty tried the outfit of spark on again. We found the parts that didn’t fit right and by doing this each time the feeling of spark became more and more possible.

Obviously this won’t work in every situation but if you are struggling to find a place to start tapping think about how it would feel to be back to your old self. Try that feeling on. Doing this will help you to find the parts that don’t “fit” right and are a little off and that will provide you with a great place to start tapping.

Transforming Our Critical Voice Into Something Helpful With Tapping and EFT In 8 Easy Steps

November 19, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

[Note: In this article I am going to be addressing the role of the critical voice. I am going to speak as if the critical voice has a personality and motives. I am not saying the critical voice is a distinct personality or that it is separate from us in any way. But by speaking of it as if it is distinct it will give us the ability to deal effectively with only one part of our personality, helping us to get some perspective on what is going on and enabling faster transformation.]
One of the reasons that I love EFT/tapping is because it is very effective in dealing with our critical voice. The critical voice is nothing more than that little nagging voice that is always pointing out everything we have done wrong, everything we are going to do wrong, and everything we are never going to be.

Sometimes this voice is nothing more than a simple annoyance, while at other times it can be so crippling that it prevents us from getting out of bed in the morning.

Because of this most of us don’t have a very good relationship with our critical voice. Many of us resent it and even hate it. One of the underlying themes of my work is to transform the relationship we have with ourselves and with parts of our personality in order to facilitate lasting change. Working with our critical voice is a perfect example of a place where we can apply this principle.

It is very difficult for us to transform our critical voice when we are angry at it. When we are angry at a part of our personality it will entrench itself and fight back. If we are willing to change our attitude toward this part of our personality then we can get it to work with us to create lasting and deep transformation.

Before we can begin the process we need to understand why the critical voice exists.

And the reason might surprise you.

The Critical Voice Exists To Make Our Life Better

I know that statement is very hard to believe. I would even be willing to bet that when you read that statement there was a strong emotional reaction against it, but it’s true.

All parts of our personality exist because they are trying to bring us to our higher good. Just because a part’s motivation is for higher good does NOT mean that it is leading us to our higher good. In this example the critical voice is not pointing things out to make us feel bad or to punish us, but instead is doing so to help us see the errors of our ways so that we will make better choices in the future.

And yes, I know, it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like it is just judging and criticizing.

But, when we are able to recognize that it is trying to help us, it will make it easier for us to transform it into something that is truly helpful. As you will see in this process we do not need to celebrate what the critical voice has done to us to recognize its motivation.

The Process For Transforming Your Critical Voice with Tapping and EFT

One of the nice things about the EFT/tapping protocols is that they are very short and give us the chance to try something out for a few minutes. If it doesn’t work then we can return to what we were doing before. This process is no different. You should be able to complete this process in under 10 minutes.

If you don’t buy my “The critical voice is here to help you, but is just doing it in the wrong way”, I would encourage you to give this process a try. If it doesn’t work out for you then go back to being mad at the critical voice. The only thing you will have lost is a few minutes tapping on something new.

1) Tune in and connect with the critical voice.
In this step all we need to do is connect with the critical voice. Just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and listen for the voice. It will not be hard to find. Pay attention to where the voice is coming from.

Is it something that is internal or external?
Is it the voice of someone you know, does it sound like your speaking voice, or is it some other voice?
If you were to imagine that the voice belonged to a body, what would that body look like?

The specific answers to these questions aren’t important, but by asking them it will be easier for us to connect with the critical part of ourselves, allowing us to do healing work.

2) Affirm the critical voice.
This is going to be the most difficult step of the process because of the hurt and harm we associate with the critical voice. It is important to note that when doing this step we are NOT affirming the tactics of the critical voice and we are NOT affirming the way we feel after we encounter our critical voice. What we are affirming is that it is a part of us that is willing to work very hard to move us to a better life. To do this we would tap on something like:

I would like to give thanks for my critical voice…I am NOT thankful for the tactic that it is using…I am NOT thankful for the way I feel after I experience the critical voice…I am thankful for the fact that there is a part of me that is willing to work so hard…I know that even though it is not doing this…it is trying to make my life better…my critical voice thinks it is making my life better…it thinks that if it berates me…or if it points out everything that is going wrong…that it is going make me make better choices in the future…the critical voice is a very powerful part of me…even if it is not working in a productive way…I know it is working for my betterment…I am thankful that there is a part of me that is willing to work day and night…thinking it is doing what is best for me.

After doing a round of tapping like this we will take some of the edge off. We might not be super-happy with the critical voice, but there is less animosity towards it. At this point that is all we are trying to achieve. When we move from a state of animosity then we are no longer fighting a part of ourselves, and we can now start to work with it.

3) Explain to the critical voice what it is really doing.
As stated above the critical voice in most cases believes that if it is constantly pointing out every flaw and fault, it will motivate us to make better choices. Its motives are either “You don’t know you are doing something wrong?” and/or “You don’t realize the consequences of these choices?”

In almost every case we are fully aware of the information that the critical voice is providing. In many cases the critical voice is actually over-stating and/or over-reacting to the situation around us. Because we have taken the last step and created a bit of a truce with the critical voice, we can now speak to it with new information.

In this step we are simply going let the critical voice know the consequences of its actions. Try tapping like this:

I know the critical voice is trying to be helpful…but it isn’t…the critical voice is pointing out things I already know…and many times is it pointing out things in a way that is much worse that it really is…the critical voice thinks it is going to encourage me by pointing out my failings…instead I find having every flaw and failing being pointed out to be disheartening…debilitating…I find it very hurtful…I find that it makes it very difficult to believe in myself…it is not pushing me to be better…but instead it is sucking my ability to try right out of my system…I know the critical voice believes it is being helpful…it is not…it is not creating a feeling of encouragement for better…it is creating a feeling of shame…shame is not an emotion of achievement and growth…shame is a feeling of not wanting to try.

4) Show the critical voice proof of its past tactics.
At this point it is very helpful to show the critical voice the proof of what we have just been tapping on. Again, just tune into the critical voice, begin to tap from point to point, and show the critical voice proof of all the ways it has been hurtful and debilitating.

5) Transforming the critical voice into something helpful.
When doing the process with clients there is something very interesting that happens. Clients describe the fact that they can feel the critical voice feeling bad that it has not done its job. I have even had clients describe their critical voice as feeling bad because it feels it is about to be eliminated from the system.

Because we are not fighting with the critical voice (like we were in the beginning), but instead have a relationship with it, we can now guide it to a resource that his helpful. The tapping for this transformation might look like this:

I know the critical voice is very powerful…I have felt the force of its power…but instead of pointing out all of the things I have done wrong…there is a way this voice can be more helpful…I want to harness the power of the voice to be used for my higher good…because I know this voice wants my higher good…I want this voice to stop being a critical voice and become an encouraging voice…because I respond so much better to encouragement…I want this encouraging voice to pick me up when I am down …I want this encouraging voice to push me on to take those last few hard steps…I want the encouraging voice to help me to get started when I can’t quite focus on the task at hand…I want the encouraging voice to use the power it had to see my faults in the past to start to look forward to the opportunities in my future…I want this encouraging voice to move me forward…not keep me stuck in the past…when it does this I will move forward and heal.

This is a very empowering step.

6) Giving the encouraging voice the resources and tools to do its new job.
Just because we want the voice to change (and just because the critical voice wants to become the encouraging voice) doesn’t mean the change is going to happen. I have had many clients describe the feeling of having the critical voice being on board with the change but not know what to do next.

I have found the easiest way to complete the change is to ask the critical/encouraging voice what it needs for transformation. The process for this is simple. First, start tapping from point to point. Second, tune back into the critical/encouraging voice. Third, ask it one of the following questions. Fourth, if it states a need based on the questions simply imagine that need being fulfilled.

For example, if it needs permission to change, give it permission. If it needs to know how to encourage you, show it.

Here is a list of sample questions you can ask the voice to help it transform from critical to encouraging.

Do you need permission to transform?
Do you need training to transform? If so what type?
Do you energy to transform? If so what type?
Do you need to be connected to other parts of the system? What type of connections need to be made?
What do you need from me to make the transformation?

7) Reassure the encouraging voice.
Even when we choose to make this type of transformation it doesn’t always take place all at once. And that is ok. The transformation process can take time. We want the healing to happen in a fashion that is long lasting. We are not looking for a short-term quick fix.

The last part of the process is to reassure the encouraging voice that this is going to take time and that we are willing to help it through the transformation.

Try tapping like this:

I am very happy that my internal voice is willing to become an encouraging voice…I know this process is going to take a little time…which is ok because I want lasting change…not a quick fix…I want my encouraging voice to know that I don’t expect it to be perfect right way…I know it is going to need to learn its way into this new role…I commit to check in regularly with the encouraging voice…making sure it has everything it needs to complete this transformation…I give the encouraging voice permission to ask for help from me…even when I am not checking in with it…this is a change that is good for me now…and for the future.

8) Check back regularly.
If this is a process that is helpful for you I would encourage you to do it two or three times a month for a few months to help this transformation process along. I think it is obvious how making the small change of changing one aspect of our personality will cascade into many radical changes in our lives.

I Can’t Do It Unless I Do It Perfectly – One Of The Most Common Reasons We Don’t Take Action

November 5, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

There are lots of things that motivate us to do well. We all want to be successful. We want to be proud of our work and we want others to recognize our good work.

Sometimes there is an even more powerful driver to success itself: the worry that others will criticize our work.

When we are working from this fear we are coming from a place where everything has to be perfect. The problem is that we are rarely perfect. Since we are rarely perfect we don’t try because we are afraid of the criticism that will result from our imperfection.

Recently I was working with a client named “Brian” who was having a hard time taking action because he needed things to be perfect. During our session we found that he believed the following:

I have to be perfect at everything.
When I am not perfect it feels horrible.
- I am not living up to what I should live up to.
- Others will look down on me.
- I am going to let myself down.
- I am going to feel foolish when I fail.
Therefore, I am only going to attempt things I know I can do perfectly.

These beliefs were serving Brian well. They spared him the misery of feeling foolish by avoiding the conditions that required him to be perfect.

The problem was that everything didn’t really need to be perfect. The consequences he feared were not real but because of this fear of what would go wrong if he wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t trying anything at all.

So we tapped:

I don’t have to be perfect at everything…there are lots of things where I just need to do well enough…I don’t have to tie my shoes perfectly…I don’t need to make a sandwich perfectly…I don’t have to make the bed perfectly…there are lots of things in my life where all I need is to do them well enough…this doesn’t mean that I will stop striving…this doesn’t mean that I will stop striving for excellence…but I am going to keep everything in perspective…I am going to give myself permission to know that I can do some things well enough without having to do them perfectly.

This round of tapping created a greater sense of peace for Brian, but he could still feel some resistance. For some reason it was still a standard he felt he needed to live up to so we continued the work by going after the definition of perfect:

It is good that I am trying to be perfect…this is rooted in wanting to do my best…this is rooted in wanting to become my best self…but perfect isn’t about getting everything right…perfect is about doing the best that I can…perfect is about living in this moment…perfect is being able to be thankful for this moment…perfect is being able to recognize that in this moment I get to choose who I am…in this moment I get to learn more about myself in the world…perfect is being easy enough with myself that I know I will get another chance…perfect is striving to be my better self…I am always going to be a work in progress…I am never going to do everything perfectly…but I can live this moment as perfect…by striving to be my best…this moment can be perfect because I can learn from the things I am not doing perfectly

This created more peace and relief for Brian. It also created a belief that he could move forward without having to be perfect. As we were doing the tapping described above, Brian remembered his father’s need for perfection from Brian, even when he was a young child. We then tapped to clean up the emotions in those memories.

The need to be perfect, or the fear of what will happen if we aren’t, is one of the most common reasons we don’t take action. Tapping is great for working on that part of you that needs to be perfect.

[Note: Are you looking for tools to help you get out of your own way and achieve what you really want? Check this out]

Overwhelmed By Emotions While Doing EFT: Preventing It From Happening And Dealing With It If It Does

October 29, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

When I tap I find that I have so many emotions and memories coming up all at once that I feel overwhelmed. It is like they are queuing up to be fixed! Yes, I’m glad this stuff comes up and I deal with it as it comes, but issues are tumbling out so fast they are landing on top of each other. I can’t spend all day in the bathroom at work, how do I deal with all these emotions without feeling overwhelmed?

photo by Ashley Pollak

I have heard of this experience from a number of my clients. It is much like stirring up pond water, the moment you start poking around in it the sediment from the bottom is disturbed and clouds the water.

We can be quite unaware of all the emotions and memories we are carrying around. When we start doing healing work we can stir up the pond and find much more than we bargained for.

I have two recommendations that will help you to not be overcome with emotions when you are tapping. One is for before you dive in, and the other is for when you’ve stirred up more than you bargained for.

Preventing Feeling Emotionally Overwhelmed While Doing EFT By Creeping Up On The Issue

One of the benefits of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is that we are able to creep up on a problem slowly while still doing effective work. Some techniques and therapies require you to dive into intense pain around an issue before you can start healing. It is possible to use EFT in this fashion, but I don’t recommend this approach when doing work alone without the guidance of a skilled practitioner.

I’m not a fan of feeling pain for the sake of pain. Why do healing work in a way that causes a lot of discomfort and distress when you can do it much more gently? A perfect example of this is how we can use EFT to deal with a fear of heights.

We could blindfold someone, take them to the top of a high building, let them freak out on realising where they are, and then start to do EFT.

Is it possible to be successful like this? Maybe, but we’d cause a lot of unnecessary pain in the process.

When I work with someone with this type of fear we start in the suburbs. I tell them that in a while we’ll be going downtown to the top of the tallest building. For someone who fears heights this will cause their anxiety level to rise sharply and we deal with this anxiety by using EFT.

When they are at ease with the thought of heading downtown, we move to the car. In most cases their level of anxiety again rises as the journey to the top of a high building approaches. Again, we do EFT to deal with the anxiety. Once the anxiety is gone we start to drive downtown.

We repeat the process as many times as necessary, stopping to use EFT every time the level of anxiety goes above a 5 until we reach the top of the building. If this means we have to stop the car every 10 minutes and do EFT with each step we take toward the elevator, we do it.

Can this take a great deal of time? Yes. Is it a safe way to heal? In my mind it clearly is.

I recommend that whatever issue you are working on you creep up on it as gently as possible. By doing this you will prevent yourself from becoming overwhelmed. I am in favor of erring on the side of caution even if it means that the healing takes a little more time.

If you think there is a large emotional core to an issue you want to work on I encourage you to take your time. Even when you are doing EFT in a way that feels very slow, it is still a much faster path to healing than most other approaches.

When The Overwhelming Emotions Come Out Of Nowhere While Doing EFT

Sometimes we can’t prevent the flood of emotions and memories. When we started we thought we were working with on an easy, straightforward issue but then something much bigger is uncovered.

We know that EFT is most effective when we can take memories and the emotions associated with them one at a time. It can be difficult to do this when we feel unexpectedly overwhelmed by a group of emotions or memories coming to the surface all at once. Trying to separate them is like trying to separate raindrops in a rainstorm.

When this happens I run through a few steps to calm the storm.

1) Deal with any emotion that you have about being overwhelmed.
We know that we are supposed to break down memories and emotions to clear them effectively and it can be frustrating when we aren’t able to do so. This also produces anxiety that tapping won’t work.

If there is any frustration about being overwhelmed with emotions and memories then that feeling of frustration is the best place to start tapping. The more frustrated you are, the less clearly you’ll see the issues at hand. As you tap give yourself permission to take this slowly. Remember it’s OK not to know everything at once.

Tap on:

I know EFT works better when I can break things down…right now the emotions are coming all at once…I don’t know where to begin…and I feel like I am never going to be able to clear of all of this…but I don’t need to be frustrated or overwhelmed…I will be able to use EFT to take it apart a bit at a time…and by taking it apart little by little it will be manageable…as I break it into pieces it will be easier and easier to manage…I give myself permission to take this slowly…it’s OK that right now I don’t know everything that is going on…[How to use these tapping phrases]

[Side Note: You might also want to take a look at this article on the fear of fear. Sometime we feel overwhelmed because we are afraid of what we will find. If that is the case I think this is a very helpful approach: Fear of Fear]

2) Paint a picture of all the emotions at once
Since we are unable to deal with the emotions one at a time we might as well go after them all at once. Again, this is going to be a somewhat imprecise approach, but the goal of this step is to help us to achieve some clarity so that we can start picking the emotions apart.

In this step tune into all the emotions you are feeling at once. Create a picture in your mind’s eye. Is it something inside of you, or surrounding you? Is it a weight pressing on you or something swirling around you? Is it a mist, a fog, or a storm? Or is it something completely different?

It doesn’t matter what your mind’s eye leads you to, just tune into that image. What color is it? What shape is it? How much does it weigh? What is it made of? Treat this image in exactly the same way you would tune into physical pain.

Now start to tap. At first, just tune into all the characteristics of the image you have just created. As you move from tapping point to point move to a different characteristic — the color, shape, size, weight, where it is located in your body. Keep tuning in and keep tapping.

As you do this you will notice the storm of emotion losing its intensity.

3) Change the image into what needs to happen next
After spending a little time tapping with the image you have in mind, it’s time to change that image. You will either turn it into something new, get rid of it, or destroy it.

If it’s a tornado, see it move off into the distance. If it’s a fog or mist, see the warm morning sun melt it away. If it’s a haze hanging in the air, see environmental engineers with air filters suck away the polluted air, leaving only pure air. If it’s green toxic goo in your chest, see a team of street cleaners work the area over and clean it up. If it’s a heavy metal weight on your chest or shoulders, see little workmen with jackhammers breaking it up.

While doing this, just keep tapping. How you change the image doesn’t matter, but change it for the better. Ask yourself the question, “How could I make this feel better?” and see it happen.

As you do this you will find that you are more relaxed, your issues seem smaller, and you can start to pick the individual emotions apart.

4) Tap on the individual emotions and memories
As the whirlwind of emotions and memories calm you will begin to see each part separately. Now that you can see each part, take them one at a time and tap for them.

Conclusions

The beauty of EFT is we don’t have to feel a great deal of pain for it to be effective. We can work gently on any issue by creeping up on it. There will be times when we become overwhelmed with emotions. When this happens we can still do work by:

dealing with the frustration of feeling overwhelmed
grouping all the emotions together
bringing their intensity down as a group, giving us the space we need to break the emotions apart into manageable pieces

It is important to have a plan when it comes to dealing with feeling emotionally overwhelmed. When you were in grade school your teachers had you practice how to get out of the school if there was a fire. If something did happen then you knew the plan. By having a plan for unexpectedly feeling emotionally overwhelmed you will be able to handle it if it shows up.

Understanding The Healing Process With EFT – Keeping the Long View

October 16, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

photo by Wally Gobetz

I have started using EFT on a big issue. Some days it is really easy for me to tap. Other days I feels so hard to tap because I feel a million miles away from my goal. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something differently?

I hear this all the time from clients. They find it hard to stay focused on an issue when it takes more than one session. It is easy to feel frustrated with tapping when we hear stories of one minute or one session miracles all the time.

There are good reasons why it takes time with many issues, but it can be difficult.

When we are in the middle of an emotion, such as feeling overwhelmed, all we can feel is overwhelmed and we lose track of all the progress we have made on the issue in previous sessions.

Here are a few things to keep in mind that will keep you on track when working on larger issues.

Healing Has Ups And Downs As We Get Better And Better

One of my favorite analogies of healing is of a stretched spring. Imagine a long spring in front of you. It is stretched from the floor to the ceiling at a 45 degree angle. Imagine that it is going from the lower left to the upper right.

If we trace the spring we will be going up and down with each spiral, but as we move along the length of the whole spring we will be moving in an upward direction in the long term.

This is what our healing experience is like. As we are tapping on our issues we are slowly moving up, but there will be daily up and down moments.

The problem comes when we are having a down moment. The problem is not that we are down, but when we are down we are so completely caught in that negative emotion that we lose track of the progress we’re making. We forget all that we achieved on the way to that point.

This doesn’t negate or explain away the negative emotion we are feeling in the moment, but it does give us some perspective. Healing seems more attainable when we have this perspective.

Almost without exception, when I’m working with a client over six weeks I expect that I’ll need to point out that they really have made a great deal of progress, even though they can’t feel it right now.

It Is Easy To Miss Our Progress

Here is a perfect example of one of my clients “Debbie” who didn’t see how much progress she had made.

Here is a little background on what Debbie was dealing with: Debbie’s mom has battled with cancer on and off for years and has been in hospital frequently in the last two years. Debbie’s sister is currently pregnant with twins. Debbie had made a change to who was providing the daily care for her mother and she called her sister to explain the new arrangement.

For some reason as Debbie was explaining the changes her sister started screaming and yelling. Her sister was yelling in such a ferocious way that Debbie couldn’t understand a word she was saying.

Debbie calmly explained she was sorry her sister was so mad at her, but Debbie was happy with the choices she had made. She offered her sister a chance to have a reasonable conversation about what had transpired, but it was not acceptable for her to be spoken to in that way.

Her sister hung up!

It was quite amazing that Debbie had responded so calmly. I know I might not have done so well.

What was even more amazing was her response considering her history. I’d worked with Debbie intermittently over eighteen months. When I first met her she would have flown off the handle if her sister had spoken to her in that way. Then she would have cried. Then she would have called a friend and cried to her friend. Then she would have felt bad for burdening her friend with her issues.

What Debbie understood was that her sister might be over-emotional because of her pregnancy and their mother’s illness. She saw that it might not have anything to do with what she had done, but this was the place her sister was choosing to lash out.

Debbie was able to react in this way because she was much more comfortable in her own skin. Eighteen months ago she would have taken the attack personally. Her fragile self-esteem would have been bruised by the experience. She would have responded in anger (which is the body’s way of protecting itself from an attack).

This is not to say that Debbie shouldn’t protect herself, or that responding in anger is always bad. Instead, in this situation Debbie identified the situation for what it was and realized that she wasn’t IN FACT being attacked but was the chosen recipient for some misguided rage.

The most amazing about the whole instance was that Debbie didn’t even realize she was responding differently than she would have done in the past.

As her sister was yelling at her she didn’t think, “I am choosing not to take this attack personally. I am going to be calm.” She was just calm. It was only when I pointed out to her that she had responded differently that she realized the extent of her own transformation.

Taking A Moment To See Our Transformation

The reason the change was less obvious to Debbie was because she was not making a new choice. Instead, she has transformed how she sees herself. Between the work we had done together and the work she has done on her own, Debbie transformed her understanding of her own worth.

Debbie is not “doing” anything differently. She is “being” someone different. Because she is comfortable in her own skin it is natural for her not to overreact to the attack, because there is no good reason for the attack.

It is just as important for us to recognize this type of transformation as it is to recognize that when we are down in the moment we are still moving upwards over the long haul. When we recognize this sort of transformation it benefits us in two ways. First, we can celebrate that we are doing better than before. Second, it encourages us to progress further.

Debbie’s experience is a perfect example of The Stages Awareness. I encourage you to read that piece to help you see where you are on the path to healing, showing you that you are on the right path and what further steps can be taken.

It is natural and common to be caught up in where we are in this moment.

If you are feeling like you aren’t making progress with an issue take a step back and ask yourself, “In the last few weeks, how far have I come with this issue?”

You will be surprised and feel re-energized to keep working on it.

5 Things You Must Know Before Doing EFT With Children and Teens

October 10, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

photo by Fine Shots

Tapping with children can be a very rewarding experience. In many cases children take to tapping much faster than adults because they are more willing to try new things and aren’t hung up on why something is working. They just want to feel better.

Here are five things to keep in mind when teaching kids to tap. (Note: All five lessons below are hard won. I know them to be true because I have done the opposite of all five at one point.)

1) They Are Smarter Than You Think

I recently spoke to 600 middle school students about bullying. To start the presentation I talked about why bullies bully. I talked about what happens on an emotional level and how that affects our choices. At the end of the presentation the children broke up into to small groups with their adults to talk about what they can do to stop bullying in their schools. After the small group time a number of the adults walked up to me to express how surprised they were with the complexity of thoughts the kids had, the emotions they experienced, and how overall thoughtful they were.

Kids don’t have the vocabulary to express their emotions and thoughts the way adults do, but they are thinking real thoughts about their lives, their emotions, and who they are. Give them space to talk about their emotions, teach them how to talk about them, and they will surprise you (in really good ways).

2) You Must Be Authentic Or They Will Tune You Out

Kids today are very savvy because of their access to information and technology. They are treated by big business as a market place and they are constantly sold to through television and online. Because of this they have very sophisticated BS detectors and they can tell when someone is not being authentic with them.

It is so tempting to want to be cool and hip when talking with kids (especially teens), thinking you are “speaking their language”. It is just the opposite. They don’t want some line or for you to talk like them. They want someone who is just being who they are, even if that means being your dorky self.

You can’t ask a child to honest with their emotions and be comfortable inside their own skin unless you are willing to try to do the same.

3) Your Job Is To Love Them, Not Be Loved By Them

When we are working with teens or children we are doing it because we want better for them. That is the goal. Nothing more. Nothing less. We are not trying to be their friend and we are not trying to gain their admiration. We have our own friends and peers for that. This doesn’t mean that we act like jerks or that we don’t care, forgetting to treat them with respect. Sometimes wanting the best for someone is asking them to do difficult things and things they might not enjoy.

To help them heal we need their respect, not their love and affection. It is OK to be comfortable with that notion.

4) Teach Them Tools

Children (and most people) don’t care how or why tapping works. They are just looking for something that makes them feel better. When working with kids and teens give them tools. They don’t need theory. They want to be better, happier, and healthier. Once they know the tool works they might ask you how it works and why.

I love coming up with little processes that are easy to follow.

For example, a great way for parents to teach kids to tap for themselves is have them tap and explain four things whilst they are tapping.

What was the best part of the day?
What was the worst part of the day?
What are they looking forward to tomorrow?
What are they worried about tomorrow?

Very simple. It is easy to remember and easy to do. Once they have the tools they can take care of themselves.

5) Start With How The Emotions Feel In The Body

As I said above, children (and many adults) don’t have the skill or vocabulary to talk about their emotions as emotions. I like to have them talk about how the emotions feel in the body to help them to tune in.

They might not have the vocabulary to talk about the disappointment that comes with poor grades vs. fighting with a friend. They might call both of these emotions “mad”. But if you get them to talk about how it feels in the body they will be able to be more specific. By describing where the emotion is in the body (head, throat, stomach…) and how it feels in these places (heavy, tight, hot…) they will be much more successful with their tapping.

Go For It

You don’t have to be perfect when working with teens or children. They are looking for adults who care about them and care about their wellbeing. Show up from a place of love, treat them with respect, be ready for lots of questions and you will be a great tapping teacher and tapping role model for them.

What have you found works well when tapping with kids? What mistakes have you made from which you have learned? Click here to add your own thoughts and comments or read what others have to say. I would really love to know what you think!

How To Use EFT When A Problem Feels Too Big Or Too Painful To Tackle

October 3, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

I want to use EFT to work on a major issue in my life, but somehow I always find an excuse not to do it. I know it will help me. I do want to get over this, but it just doesn’t happen. What can I do?

photo by (Erik)

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern when it comes to tapping on big issues. Certain people learn to use EFT, see the benefit of it in their lives, and yet still decide it’s not for them.

I was given new insight into this type of avoidance when I was tapping with a close friend “Sandy” recently.

Someone in Sandy’s life, who lived hundreds of miles away, had been hurt in a very violent physical attack.

Sandy was disappointed in herself for not being able to stop the attack from happening, she was sad about the attack, she was scared that her loved one wouldn’t seek the attention she needed out of fear, she felt helpless from such a great distance, and she worried that it would happen again. These were just a few of the emotions racing through her mind.

We agreed that I would come over to her place so that we could tap together. When I arrived at her home we talked about everything in the world… except what I had come for. This continued for almost an hour. Finally I asked, “Do you want to tap or not?”

I wasn’t frustrated or angry; I was giving her an out. Sometimes people feel safer having this type of conversation with a paid professional rather than a close friend.

She hemmed and hawed as she tried not to answer.

So I asked, “Why are you afraid to do the work?”

“Because it’s going to hurt. I know how raw my emotions are right now. I feel like I’ve let my loved one down. I don’t want to wander into that pain.”

All of that was fair. I asked her, “How large are all the emotions you’re feeling?” (This was for the emotions around her loved one plus the emotions around her fear of having to wade into the problem.)

With her hands she showed something about the size of a beach ball.

We did some work on her fear of what we might uncover and how much it would hurt to dive into the emotions around this incident. I then asked her how much emotion was left (in all areas). She indicated something about 30% of the size of the original.

This was a useful insight for me. She was more emotional about her reaction to the incident than she was about the incident itself.

Later, as I reflected on this, it brought to mind all of the people — me included — who avoid doing work in some area of our lives because we are afraid of what we’d uncover about ourselves.

The belief is, “The crap I know right now is better than the crap around the corner. Sure, my life isn’t perfect right now, but I can manage my present pain and disappointment. If I go looking to change my life, who knows what I’ll stir up.”

This is not an indictment for not wanting to look under the bed to see what’s really under there. The beauty of free will is that we choose who we want to be. There are outcomes and consequences to those choices. Our decision is to face or not face the ideas we have about ourselves and the world, that hold us back and determine whether or not our lives change.

In my own life I have found that in the long run it’s better to get out the flashlight and face whatever is hiding under the bed, no matter how scary it feels at the time.

Next Steps

When you are facing something that feels too big to tap on try tapping like this:

Right now I have a really big issue to tap on…I know the tapping for the issue will be helpful in the long term…but I am worried that if I tap for this issue it will be too much…I will uncover things I don’t want to experience…I will find painful past memories…I will have to relive it all over again…and I don’t want to do that…It is good that I am trying to take care of myself…It is good that I am trying to avoid the pain of reliving this…And I know that with tapping I don’t have to dive all the way into an issue to make a difference…I can spend a little time tapping on how I feel right now…without having to go all the way to the root…It might be better to go all the way to the root…but that can wait…Sometimes it is healthier for me to just do a little at a time…so that when I am ready to do the deep work I will already have cleared a path…I give myself permission to be easy with myself…I give myself permission to be easy with the healing process…Knowing I don’t have to do it all at once…Knowing that if I do a little at a time I can feel safe and still make progress.

Why Didn’t Surrogate EFT Stop The Cancer?

September 16, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 14 Comments

In the newsletter a few weeks ago I shared the story of visiting my much too young friend as her body was losing its battle with cancer. (You can read the full story: With A Heavy Heart)

In addition to many heartfelt responses of concern to my note, I received a number of questions about what I did while she was sick tapping-wise, and how I felt after the fact. For clarity I have summarized the questions (with answers) below.

I would love to hear your thoughts on these questions in the comments below.

After spending what could be many hours of tapping for your friend and her condition, were you ever hopeful that they would overcome this partially or totally?

When I am tapping for someone else I am always working from the starting point that the only thing that I can truly change in the world is me. When I am tuned into what I think others are feeling or experiencing physically I am paying attention to how I am reacting to these thoughts. I am paying attention to any emotion I feel and any physical sensation that I am having. Those are the things I am tapping on.

At the same time I believe that we are all connected in some way. When I transform myself I transform the world. Did I think by tapping in this way that my friend would be cured? I was open to that possibility. I have seen many things come from tapping that in my limited experience I never would have thought were possible.

I have come to a place in my life where I am no longer surprised by grace. When things happen outside my expectation I just think, “Of course that is possible. How could my thinking been so limited?”

When I was tapping I had no expectation of what the outcome was going to be.

Since she wasn’t healed do you feel like you failed (and did you tap for that feeling of failure)?

The feelings of failure I felt were around missing opportunities to be close to my friend sooner. I am sure I am not alone in feeling regret in filling my life with things that in retrospect weren’t nearly as important as being with friends and loved ones.

The only thought I had as I sat at the airport on Sunday night waiting to fly home was, “We need to do better for those we love sooner.”

Based on how things turned out, would you tap in the same fashion for someone else who might be in the same situation?

As far as tapping goes I don’t know if there is anything I would have done differently.

Even if the tapping I did wasn’t “effective” or wasn’t done “the right way” for the situation. I sat thinking loving and caring thoughts for a friend. Nothing bad can come from that.

Is it really possible to tap to change someone else’s life or is it really up to them and what they choose to think, do, and believe?

This is really the core question about surrogate tapping.

To be honest: I HAVE NO IDEA!

I know that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions impact the people around me. They are responsible for their own choices, but I know they will respond differently to me showing up in a state of love versus a state of fear. If I tap for myself I will respond to others differently, which will give them opportunities to respond differently to situations.

Every relationship I have is a co-creation. When I transform myself I am transforming the nature of my relationships. It is possible that when I am healing something in myself for me to hold space for someone else to believe new thoughts about themselves.

If I show up in a spirit of love I make it easier for someone else to choose to believe they are worthy of love. I don’t make that choice for them. I am not responsible for them making that choice. But I can make it easier for them.

In the end when I am tapping surrogately for someone what I am doing is spending time thinking loving thoughts about them (good!) and healing the emotions I am feeling (also good!). Whatever comes of that is still beyond my limited understanding of the universe.

Will Saying Negative Phrases While Doing EFT Manifest Bad Things In My Life?

August 12, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 6 Comments

Q: I am worried that if I say negative phrases I will bring negative things into my life. How can I use EFT without having to use negative phrases?

I receive this question a lot. To answer it we need to look at what is happening when we are tapping and how the words we say impact our success while tapping.

It is important to remember that what we are saying is much less important than what we are feeling when we tap.

The words we say while tapping are not magic.

What is important is where our focus and attention is when we are tapping. If we say, “this pain in my knee…this pain in my knee…” over and over again when we tap but we are thinking about everything that needs to be done once we finish tapping, then the knee isn’t going to feel better.

It is not the words but the focus.

This plays itself out in some interesting ways when we say both positive and negative phrases. To understand this let’s look at a weight release example. Let’s say the client wants to lose 40 pounds but is stuck because of the fact he has failed before and is worried that he will lose the weight only to gain it back again.

Positive v Negative Phrases

There are two ways to approach tapping on this issue.

First, we could address the fear of losing weight only to gain it back again head on. We would tap saying something like:

I have failed before at losing weight…and I’m worried that I will fail again…every time I lose the weight it creeps back…this time will be different…not only do I have a plan to lose the weight…but I have a support system in place…to help me keep it off.

Second, we could decide that we are only going to tap on the positive:

I am going to lose weight…I am going keep the weight off…I am going to look awesome…I am going to feel so much better.

All of these statements are great things to be tapping on, but what is being said is not all that is going on. Every time one of those phrases is said out loud if there is any part of the system that doesn’t believe the phrase to be true, the critical voice will speak up to voice its objections. It might go something like this:

What is said out loud: I am going to lose weight.
What the internal critical voice says in response: And then gain it right back.

Out loud: I am going keep the weight off.
Critical voice: No you aren’t. You failed before and you will fail again.

Out loud: I am going to look awesome.
Critical voice: Only for a short period of time.

Out loud: I am going to feel so much better.
Critical voice: And then the weight will come back and you will feel like crap.

You can see that when we only focus only on the positive and there is a part of us that doesn’t believe the positive statement, the negative will show up.

The good news about this that it doesn’t matter if we use positive or negative phrases because either way we will find our way to tapping on the issues needing attention.

Which Should I Tap On?

The question becomes “Should I use positive or negative phrases while tapping?” For me, the answer is both.

If I recognize a specific limiting belief or block, like the fear of gaining the weight back, my tapping will be most effective if I go right at that issue.

At the same time when I state the goal I want to achieve in the positive I will find my way to self talk and limiting beliefs that I didn’t know existed.

I recommend when tapping to alternate between both positive and negative phrases so that you get both of these benefits.

What To Do When You Feel Like You Have Stopped Moving Forward With An Issue

August 7, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

My client was so frustrated!

We had been working on an issue for a number of sessions and he felt like we were dealing with the same issues, with the same complaints, with the same outcomes.

The truth was that he had made a lot of progress AND he was getting the same outcome.

When this happens it can be so frustrating because we have put in the work, we know we have healed many issues, but it doesn’t feel like it is bearing any fruit.

I’m Stuck In Quicksand!

Sometimes making progress feels like trying to get out of quicksand.

There is a huge difference between being in quicksand up to your neck and being in quicksand up to your knees. When you are in quicksand up to your neck you are only 10% free and when you are in up to your knees you are 75% free.

But there is a problem. Even though being in quicksand up to your knees is much better than being in quicksand up to your neck, you are still stuck.

The same thing can happen when we are working on a persistent issue. We can spend time (even a great deal of time) working on an issue. Although we have released a great deal around the issue we are still stuck because the part that is left continues to have a grip on us.

It is easy to feel discouraged and like we are failing in the healing process because we are not reaping the rewards of our progress. The good news is that it’s much easier to get out of quicksand when we are only up to our knees, and we truly are much closer to freedom and healing, but we may fail to notice this because we are focusing on still being stuck.

If you feel like you are spinning your wheels with your tapping here is a tapping script you can use:

I have been working on this issue for a very long time…I want to be free of this issue…I know tapping has worked for me in the past…and I want it to work now…the fact that I have done so much work…and not seen any real progress is frustrating…I feel like giving up on this issue…I feel like giving up on tapping…but I choose to know that tapping is a process…I know healing is a process…there are times when I will make progress with an issue…and still not be free of the issue…sometimes healing an issue is like getting out of quicksand…I can make progress when I am working my way towards freedom…but I am still stuck…it is possible to recognize that even when I am not completely free of an issue…I am closer to being free of the issue…with each round of tapping I become a little clearer…with each tapping session I become a little clearer…even if I am not completely out of the quicksand on this issue…I am more free than I was before…I am closer to being free of this…I give myself permission to keep moving forward…knowing that with each moment of healing I experience…I am that much closer to being free of this issue…it is ok that I get frustrated at the fact that it doesn’t feel like I am making progress…it is ok that I feel this isn’t working as fast as I would like…this is because there is a part of me that wants better…I am glad there is a part of me that wants better…and I want this part of me to keep working for better…as bit-by-bit I clear this issue.

Working With An EFT Practitioner Is Not Right For Everyone. Is It Right For You?

July 30, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

photo by geek calendar

I recently received an email from Kevin in Ireland asking a number of really good questions about reaching out for help with an issue. Not everyone needs to be working with a practitioner.

Have you ever considered working with a practitioner?

Here are my thoughts on working with someone.

If tapping is such a ‘do it yourself’ protocol, why would I bother working with a practitioner?

There are a number of issues that tapping is great for where you can use it on your own without needing any help. As a practitioner I provide four things for my clients: distance, experience, expertise, and encouragement/accountability.

Distance: Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. When we are in the middle of something emotional it is very difficult to see it clearly. Because I am not experiencing the emotions being felt by my client myself, I can often see an issue more clearly. This is true for anyone we share with, not just practitioners. We can regularly find insight into what is going on in our lives by seeking the outside point of view of a trusted friend. Sometimes it is helpful to share this with people we don’t see frequently.

Experience: Having worked with many clients I recognize patterns and root causes that a client would not be able to see on their own. This experience allows me to help clients to move forward much more quickly than they would working alone.

Expertise: EFT is a very simple thing that be done by anyone. It is possible to use the basic recipe and tap on most issues. Even though this works, it is not always the fastest way to relief. With my my training I am able to combine tapping with many other tools that speed the healing process in a way a client could not do on their own.

Encouragement/Accountability: It is easy to feel overwhelmed by our own issues. They don’t feel good and the last thing we want is to stay stuck in the middle of them. Sometimes it is easier just to run and hide instead of engage. As a practitioner I help my clients to stay focused and support them as they are going through difficult issues, helping them to get to the other side.

Why should I pay so much money to someone I don’t know to work with them over the phone or Skype?

You need to be careful with any buying decision. I wouldn’t just pay anyone I found online to work with one-on-one. It is important that you are making the right choice for you.

Here are a few things I would consider before hiring anyone:

What type of training do they have?
How long have they been a practitioner?
Do they have experience with my particular issue?
Do they work with someone for their own issues?
Have they created resources that I can look at to gauge if they are a good fit for me?

It is easy to get answers to these questions. Just ask. Any practitioner worth their salt will happily provide answers.

You can also look at their website. What have they created? Does it fit with who you are and what you are looking for?

One of the main reasons that I have over 500 free resources on my website is so that potential clients can get a sense of who I am, what I believe, and how I work. For example, if you took a few minutes to “Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto” you would have a good idea if we were a good fit.

I couldn’t get EFT to work with my issue while tapping on my own. Is a practitioner going to guarantee me success?

The short answer is: NO.

Tapping is a wonderful tool that works for many things. Just because it is a wonderful tool that is easy and quick to use, it is not the best tool for every situation. (For example: If you have be stabbed, go to the emergency room. Don’t tap!)

Also, there are issues that tapping will not going to work for, or at least not in a timely way. Know that even when you work with someone who is very skilled with your issue success is still not guaranteed.

If you are going to work with someone it is advisable to ask them about the types of success they have with clients and with your particular issue.

Are there any professional associations for tapping where I can check on the certification of particular practitioners?

Right now there isn’t one centralized organization (even though many would claim to be). Tapping and EFT are relatively new and because of this there is no real standardization of training. Some trainings will give a certificate if you show up to all the classes, some will give a certificate if you pass a test after the class work, and some will give a certificate after class attendance, passing a test, and supervised work with clients.

When someone says they are a certified EFT practitioner it is important that you gain an understanding of what that really means.

Do You Still Have Questions Or Are Thinking Of Working With A Practitioner?

If you are interested in working with someone one-on-one to get past an issue that is holding you back but still aren’t sure, let me know. We can set up a free consultation to answer all your questions and relieve your fears. You might just need some encouragement or instruction to start heading in the right direction. You can reach me directly on the contact page.

EFT For Stress That Leads To Overeating

July 24, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 4 Comments

photo by zigazou76

I was recently working with a client on the issue of mindless eating.

When I use the term “mindless eating” I mean any eating that we are doing without thinking “I would like to eat this right now”. This can include eating prompted by cravings, emotional eating, unconscious habitual eating, eating when we are not hungry and eating more than we intended.

Over the course of a one hour session we touched on lots of smaller issues which were all connected to what was behind the mindless eating. Below you will find a transcript of the tapping scripts we used during the session.

These transcripts do not constitute the entire session. It just the tapping phrases between the conversation investigation.

Please let me know if you find these types of scripts helpful and if you would like me to do something like this again in the future. If you would like to work with me one-on-one visit WorkWithGene.com for details.

I Can’t Stop! I Must Stop!

Sometimes we find ourselves being pulled in two different directions. One part of us wants us to stop and another part must keep making the same bad choice again and again. Here we tapped for the inner conflict:

There’s a part of me that just keeps reaching for food…It’s almost something I can’t control…Even when I’m doing that, I know I shouldn’t be doing it…There’s a part of me that just can’t stop…There’s this odd dichotomy in it…There’s a part of me that knows it’s a bad choice…There’s a part of me that knows that I don’t enjoy it…There’s a part of me that knows that I’m just going to feel gross afterwards…Even as I’m moving the bread to my mouth, I can say, “This is really bad choice.”…There’s a part of me that still makes that choice…It thinks it’s the best…Something in the short term to make me feel better…To distract me from the things I don’t want to do…To give me something to do so I’m not bored…To fill some space that feels empty…And all of those are good things to want…This is just the absolute wrong way to do it…And I know it’s the wrong way to do it…While I’m doing it I know it’s the wrong way to do it…And it just stinks when I’m doing it…Because I know it’s not what I want…But there’s a part of me that just doesn’t get that…It’s stuck in the old ways…It’s more than stuck in the old ways…Almost as if the old way is all there is…And it can’t see any other alternative…And I appreciate the fact that it wants me to be healthier…And I appreciate the fact it wants me to feel comfortable…But this has nothing to do with being healthy…In the long term…It’s filling up some small need…I appreciate the fact it’s trying to do something…But it needs to be something that’s healthier.

I Always Need To Be Doing Something

We live in a world where we are always doing something, sometimes even multi-tasking. We don’t deal with idle time well. Sometime we just have to do something, even if it is mindless eating, to fill that time. Here we tapped for eating to fill idle time.

There’s a part of me that knows I need to be doing something…That I should never be doing nothing…That I need to be moving forward…And I need to be productive…There are things that need to be done…And I don’t want to do them…So I just choose to do something…So I’m productive…So I’m filling the time…So I’m doing something…I have a clear idea of what needs to get done…I could tell you the ten things I need to get done very soon…And when I’m really stressed…The last thing I wanna do…Is fight with some task…And add more stress…And I don’t wanna sit still…And just do it and not being stressed…So it makes perfect sense…That a part of me…Is going to wanna move away from being stressed…And move away from the things I don’t wanna do…It would be one thing to take a vacation…Because I’m choosing to leave things behind…And I’m planning for it…And it’s another thing to be idle…I know things need to get done…I give myself permission to know…I’m allowed to take little mini vacations…During my day…Even if it’s just for five or 10 minutes…Where I step away from the task…And I step away from the stress…And I don’t have to choose something to fill that space…If I do choose to fill that space…I wanna choose something healthy…Like a little fresh air…Or to tap a little bit…But I choose to know…I recognize the fact…My system is just trying to avoid that gross stress…And I don’t blame it for doing that…Because it’s no fun just being stressed.

I Don’t Have To Do Everything On My To-Do List At Once

There is a lot that we need to get done on any given day. Each of these tasks are manageable, but if we look at everything at once it can feel very overwhelming. Here we tapped to help relieve the feeling of overwhelm.

I recognize there’s a lot that needs to get done…But it doesn’t need to get done all at once…That it’s good to appreciate all the work that needs to happen…But if I put myself in a space…Where I think it emotionally needs to be done all at once…Of course it’s going to feel overwhelming…If something is going to take multiple hours…And I think about it all right now…Of course it’s going to be overwhelming…I give myself permission…To focus on these things one at a time…And only worry about one of the things that I’m going to do right now…I can be aware of the other tasks that need to be done…But I can give myself permission…To be in a circumstance where I don’t have to do them all at once…If I take them one at a time…They’re less big…And they’re much more manageable…None of the tasks are super hard…They’re just impossible to do them all at once.

There Is Just So Much To Do

There are time where there is just too much. Even when we break it down into small steps if feels like to much. Here we tapped for dealing with too much to do.

Just repeat after me. There’s so much that needs to get done…There’s stuff that needs to get done for work…There’s stuff that needs to get done to help the family…There’s stuff that needs to get done for me…And with a full house, it seems like it’s all happening at once…And those quiet moments are few and far between…And it feels like I have to get everything done in that short amount of time…Because I know what happens when these things don’t get done…And each day it’s a different task…Or a different list of tasks…And a whole bunch of outcomes that could happen from that…And I’m really worried they’re not all going to get done…And I really don’t wanna have to deal with when they don’t all get done…Because I can see what can go wrong…I can see it really clearly…And I don’t want to be caught in the middle of that…And I just get overwhelmed…Because I wanna do it all at once…Because I need it all done…I don’t wanna deal with all those other things…But I choose to know…If I do each task one at a time…If I don’t try and bite off too much all at once…It’s possible for me…To get everything done….And be okay with getting everything done…And I can feel the resistance inside of me…When I’d make a simple statement like that…Because it just never feels like it’s all going to get done…Every single time something gets crossed off the list…It feels like four more things had been added…And I always feel like I’m behind…Which means I’m always going to feel overwhelmed…And as long as I feel overwhelmed…It’s really easy to make poor eating choices.

I Don’t Trust Myself To Take Short Breaks

It is good to take breaks throughout the day so that we can stay sharp. The problem with taking a short break is it can quickly turn into spending 90 minutes on facebook or cleaning up the living room. Here we tapped for not being able to trust ourselves to take a short break.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t trust me…That if I go and take a little bitty break…It’s going to turn into a giant break…It’s going to go from releasing a little stress…To being another avoidance technique…It won’t be that I’m blowing off steam…It’ll be that I’m just escaping…It’s really no different than eating a bunch of bread…I’m just filling time with something…So I don’t have to face the tasks at hand…So it’s really important…I find a way to manage my day…Where I understand that it’s achievable and doable…That I carve out specific times to take care of myself…And I create boundaries to make sure that they don’t bleed over and take over the day…It’s good to release some steam…And let go of the overwhelm…But it doesn’t do me any good…If I end up wasting an hour and a half…Because that’s just going to make the day much worse…Because I’m going to be even farther behind…So I need to find a way…To keep myself accountable…That isn’t going to take the whole day…Because all of a sudden eating makes more sense…All of a sudden eating makes more sense…Because I can’t get lost to it for an hour and a half…But there’s a physical limitation that I could eat…Even when I’m eating mindlessly…There’s a stop point…So it becomes a good distraction…And it doesn’t consume 90 minutes…So it’s really important I find a way…To be able to release the stress…To be able to take care of myself…And do it in a way that allows me to still be productive…Without getting distracted.

Not Doing Anything Makes It Worse

There are times that when we take a break to think about what is going on it becomes very easy to be overwhelmed with every thing. In these cases it makes sense that we are going to do something to discract ourselves. In this case we tapped for needing to do anything to block out the stress of what needs to be done.

It makes sense that if I’m not doing work…That the pile is going to get deeper and deeper…But it’s possible for me to work…It’s possible for me to work…In a more efficient way…When I’m sitting really idle…Not only am I not getting anything done…It’s also really easy…To recognize all the things that aren’t done…And that makes the feeling even worse…So the goal is not to be stuck in an idle place…And not to be stuck in an overwhelmed place…Because when I’m really overwhelmed…I’m going to make choices that are me trying to escape…Me trying to escape…And when I feel really idle…I’m going to recognize all that needs to get done…And feel even more overwhelmed…And want to escape again…So the goal is…To put myself in a circumstance…Where I’m doing the things that need to get done…But I’m not getting caught in all of them at once…Because if I take the task one at a time…Each task is going to be manageable…In which each task is manageable…It’s going to get done as quickly as possible…And I can move on to the next thing…And that will make a more peaceful process…I feel less stressed…And I’ll get everything done…And I won’t have to escape…Because I’m going to be efficient…And things aren’t going to be building up…And I’m not going to be overwhelmed…Because I’m not doing everything all at once…

I Can’t Control Everything

It is one thing to have control over the choices we are making. That is manageable. What is hard is the fact that there are things we don’t control that can add stress to out live. Here we tapped for being overwhelmed and stressed by the things we can’t control.

And that makes it hard…To get everything done I wanna get done…Because as new things show up…It makes things get harder…When things show up…That feel like they specifically make it more complicated…Which makes it really easy to get overwhelmed…But I choose to know…That the less stressed I am…That the less overwhelmed that I am…The easier it is to respond…When unexpected things show up… Because often times unexpected things show up…And I deal with them with no problem…And I don’t remember those times…Because they didn’t cause me a problem…I only remember…The times that things show up…That are overwhelming…Or too much…And the more calm I get…The more I take tasks one at a time….The less overwhelmed I become…So even when unexpected shows up…It’s easier for me to respond…Because it’s not too much.

If I Could Just Get A Little Organized

Most of the time, no one thing causes us stress. Most of the time it is a combination of many things stacking up. When we are able to get organized then the small things are less likely to get stacked up. He we tap on getting organized.

I always feel like I’m trying to catch up…I always feel like I’m behind…And when I’m behind, it means I have to hurry…That I don’t do as good a job as I’d like…That just adds more stress and anxiety…That adds more overwhelm…Which adds more to the desire to escape…I choose to know…It’s important that I get my time organized…It doesn’t have to be organized perfectly…I don’t have to schedule every second of the day but I know when I make the time to organize…Even though that takes time…It pays off in the long term…And I – it’s important that I invest that time…And the more times that I invest that time…The more organized I get…And the less time I have to spend organizing…And the easier it is to get organized…And I just need to step into that space…To give myself permission to spend the time it takes…To get organized…Because if I don’t take the time to set it up right…It take time to do it over again…Which I don’t have…Which adds to the overwhelm…Which adds to the needing to escape.

Little Changes Add Up

Sometimes the change we make happens in lots of small steps. It becomes very easy to feel like progress is not happening in small steps because the change is hardly noticeable. Here we tap for recognizing that small steps add up to big things.

There’s lots of ways that I can reduce stress…Because there’s lots of things that cause stress…. So it’s not that I have to do one thing to eliminate all the stress…It’s not that I have to do one thing to stop the eating…Each thing that I do…That chips away at the stress…Makes it so I have to escape less…Which means I’m going to do the eating less…And there’s lots of things I can do…That start to reduce the stress…One of them is getting a little more organized… But that’s not the only thing…That’s not the lynch pin… It’s just one more thing…And I give myself permission to know…That as I keep chipping away at this…And make transformation to lots of little bits…It’s going to make a difference…And it’s short and long term…And I’m going to do this eating less and less…And it’s going to slowly fade away… It’s not, I have to change and fix everything…Which creates an immediate stop…Instead it’s slowly chipping away…And lots of little easy steps…That leads to the whole thing being transformed…Transformed in a lasting way…I give myself permission…To recognize that I can have progress…Without have to fixing all of it…And without having to fix one part completely…But doing it step by step.

There Is Always Going To Be Stress

Stress is a fact of life. It is always going to be there, but it is not always going to be there in the same amount. We need to recognize that we have some control over the amount of stress in our lives. Here we tap for knowing that we can control some of the stress in our lives.

It feels like stress is inevitable… There are things that are going to catch me off guard… And there are things that are going to feel overwhelming… But most of the time when I feel stressed…It’s because lots of things have been combined together… But most of those things….Are really big deal by themselves…what we’re trying to do…Is move to the place… Where the small things don’t add up into big stress… So that the times when real stress shows up… We can take those choices…They are the quick fix… It’s not that big of a deal if once a month I have a little bread when I feel stressed…It is a big deal if I’m doing it every single day…There are going to be times of stress…There’s going to times of overwhelm… But that isn’t something I have to experience every single day… I can put myself in a position… Where I manage the stress in such a way…The feelings of overwhelm… The feelings of too much…Are few and far between…And when that happens…That I can respond to that stress in lots of ways…But I don’t have to make those choices… Every single day… If I don’t feel stressed and overwhelmed every single day…

This Habit Is Never Going To Change

There are times when we change the underlying issue but the habit persists because it has been the way we have operated for so long. Here we tap for changing old habits that have been here forever.

There’s a part of me that sees this as a habit… The choice I’m always going to make… The choice that I make every single time… And part of the work that needs to happen…Is enrooting this as the choice I make every single time… It’s almost as if…I’m pulling out the big guns…To deal with a little bitty mosquito…Because that’s the tool I always use… And each time I make a choice… Where I don’t reach for the food… When I’m feeling a little stressed…I’m reinforcing… And making it easier…For me to make good choices in the future…I wanna do things to reduce my stress…And I wanna do things where I’m making better choices when I am stressed… I wanna make good choices for the long term… And I wanna make good choices that are proportional… Where I’m choosing a response…In an appropriate way… Based on how big the stress is…And that’s something that’ll happen step by step…Because when I feel less stressed…There will be less moments where I need to let go the stress… And each time I make a better choice… I’m going to put myself in a position where I reinforce that

The Old Choices Seem To Be The Easiest

Sometimes our old habits are what we choose because they are so easy. Eating is much easier than taking a short walk or taking time to tap. Here we tap for knowing that it is possible choose the slightly harder response because it has lasting benefits.

Food feels like the easiest choice… Because it’s always at hand… Because it’s so effective… In muting the stress feeling…And it takes so little effort… For it to work…I don’t have to do any tapping…I don’t have to go for a walk…I can keep doing what I’m doing most times… And eat at the same time… Or scarf it down really, really quick… So it doesn’t take a lot of effort…And it doesn’t take a lot of time… So it makes lots of sense…That that’s what I keep reaching for…But I choose to know… It’s important that I make good long term choices… As well as good short term choices… And I need to break the habit…Of reaching for the easiest thing… And that takes little work…That takes a little planning…That takes knowing what I would choose otherwise…And spending the energy… To make the right good choice… And that’s work… And that’s no fun…But I’d rather make… Good long term choices…Than the easy choice…That isn’t good for the long term…And if I have a plan of attack… And if I look out for these things coming… It’s going to be a little easier… To make a good choice…In the moment… Which is going to create a circumstance…Where I have a habit…Of making lasting good choices…

9 Websites, Newsletters And Podcasts That I Always Read AND You Should Too!

July 15, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

While writing the first draft of this article I typed “EFT” into Google and it returned 49,600,000 results. When there is that much information it is really hard to find what is useful.

I read everything I can get my hands on because I am always trying to learn and always on the lookout for guest posts and podcast guests. Even with this desire to read it all, there are times that I have too much on my plate and can’t get through everything. When this happens I need to make choices about what will get my time and attention.

Here is a list of 9 online resources where I read or listen to everything they produce, even if I am busy. If you are are not already reading some of these then you are missing out on great opportunities to learn.

Note: These are not affiliate links. I am not getting anything from sharing these. I just want you to find the good stuff!

Deborah Miller’s Newsletter – Deborah is probably best known for her work with children with cancer. She has a wonderful newsletter from which I have re-published many of her articles. To subscribe scroll down to the bottom of this page: FindTheLightWithin.com

Karen Nueman’s Newsletter – Sadly Karen passed away in Feb. 2013. She is greatly missed!

Practical Wellbeing – Practical Wellbeing is written by England based practitioner Andy Hunt. One mistake I think a lot of sites make is that they produce lots of very average material. Andy puts up a new article every few weeks which is always thoughtful, well-written, and informative. PracticalWellbeing.com

Sarah Holland Twitter Feed – Sarah is a practitioner who specializes in fertility issues. Her Twitter feed is often filled with great framing questions as well as awesome set-up phrases to tap to, all in 140 characters. Find her (even if you don’t have Twitter) @SarahEFT

You Are Not So Smart – The motto of You Are Not So Smart is “A Celebration of Self Delusion”. In each article and podcast David McRaney looks at a new piece of research about the mind in an irreverent and funny way to see how delusional we are about the way we see ourselves and the world. There are many things from this site that have transformed the way I work with clients and how I do my own tapping work. Articles and podcast: YouAreNotSoSmart.com

PsyBlog – Jeremy Dean’s PsyBlog is devoted to the most recent interesting (!) developments in psychology. When working with clients it is really important to understand where people are coming from and why they make the choices they make. As a bonus Jeremy also shares offbeat studies that will make you smile even if you don’t learn anything new. Read more: Spring.org.uk

Radiolab – Radiolab is the happy marriage of science, art, day-to-day life, and the choices we make. I always learn something from Radiolab. The show has transformed my understanding of how the brain works and how scientific concepts meet daily life. If I were to create a university degree program I would want this show to be in the core curriculum. Radio show and podcast home: Radiolab.org

Marc and Angel Hack Life – I am not the biggest fan of the self-help industry (though it would be very easy to argue I am part of it). I am suspicious of platitudes and affirmations. Marc and Angel Hack Life is a total revelation in the self-help blog world. Each post is to the point and immediately useful. I have written many tapping scripts inspired by their work and point of view. Website: MarcAndAngel.com

Get Bullish – Jen Dziura writes two weekly columns for the b5media network of blogs. It is best described as life and career advice for kick-ass women. Jen doesn’t pull punches, doesn’t get caught up in fluffy cuteness, and is all about moving forward. Transformation work is about being able to level with yourself about what is really going on. Whether you want to or not, Jen is going to make you do that. Jen’s work can be found at Bullish and Bullish Life

(PS: Be warned, at some point Jen is probably going to make fun of part of your world view, tip a sacred cow, or mock someone you think is a guru. I’m sure she would make fun of my point of view from time-to-time. You don’t have to agree with everything she says, but she will challenge you to see your world and choices in new ways.)

What Are You Reading?

I am always on the lookout for great resources. Please add the stuff you can’t wait to read or listen to in the comment section.

EFT Beyond The Basic Tapping Points

July 8, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

photo by Dawn Endico

I have a feeling that your experience with tapping has gone something like this…

You learned the basic tapping points. You’ve had some small successes when tapping with a teacher, a practitioner, or a friend.

You know tapping works because you have experienced it firsthand, but now you are not sure what to do next. You have the picture of someone with the tapping points marked on their body staring up at you.

But now what?

What issue to start with? What phrase to say out loud?

Because you are not sure and you don’t want to do it wrong you decide to try it again sometime later.

AND later never comes.

Not Knowing How To Do EFT On Your Own Is More Common Than You Think

What is described above is a very common experience. EFT is deceptively subtle. It is very simple to do. All you have to do is tune into an issue and tap.

The problem is there is a lot going on in an unspoken way.

To help you I have created some very simple tools that will help move from tapping with someone else to being able to tap on your own.

Each of these tools will either answer a very common question or give you slightly more sophisticated tools to use while tapping.

Think of this like taking your tapping training wheels off.

If you have questions that aren’t answered here, please let me know by entering your questions on the contact page.

9 Tools To Take Off Your EFT Training Wheels

Why Do I Have To Tap Anyway? – One of the most common questions I am asked is “Why do I have to tap? Shouldn’t the phrases be sufficient? Here is a quick explanation of why we need to tap and why the words aren’t enough.

Forget About The Words – It is very easy to get hung up on what words to say when tapping. This short audio will help you put the words you say in perspective by showing you how easy it is to come up with tapping phrases and that you CANNOT do it wrong.

How I Start Every Session – Sometimes starting is the hardest part. We have so many thoughts and feelings swirling around that we are not sure where to begin. Here is how I start all my tapping sessions. This will ground you and clear your head a little so you do not feel overwhelmed.

EFT Script Generator – Answer 8 questions about the issue you want to tap on, hit the button, and *poof* you have a tapping script. Just read it and tap along.

10 Simple Steps To Tapping For Any Emotion Or Issue – I think the title says it all. Follow these these steps and you are set.

Do I Really Have To Say “I Love And Accept Myself”? – Asking that question is kind of like saying “I really like riding my bike, but I skip all the uphill parts.” Sometimes the phrase “I love and accept myself…” is hard to say. That is ok. If we are tapping, on some level we are working on loving ourselves more. Here is a great little tool that will come up with over 2,400 alternative set-up phrases you can use when tapping.

Can I Tap To Change My Spouse, Children, or Co-Worker? – I am asked all the time if there is a way for us to tap to change the behavior of the people in our lives. The short answer is NO, but the long answer is SORT OF. This my favorite EFT tool ever!

When Unexpected Things Come To Mind – There are going to be times when you are tapping and something unexpected comes to mind. It might be a new emotion, a different issue, or something so off the wall that you have no idea where it came from. Here is what to do when unexpected things come to mind when you are tapping.

Tap Along Audios – Let someone else do the work. Here is list of over 35 free tap along audios. Pick a topic that you need to tap for, hit play, start tapping, and feel the relief.

Conclusion

Remember there is no wrong way to do tapping. There are tapping rounds that are successful and tapping rounds where you learn you need to try it in a different way. It is ok to tap in a way that is not perfect (because there is no such thing as perfect tapping). Give it a try with these new tools and each time you do it you will grow in skill and in confidence.

Is It OK For Christians To Use EFT?

July 2, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 16 Comments

photo by Gene Monterastelli

As you may or may not know, since 1996 I have traveled the US and Canada speaking and performing as part of APeX Ministries. APeX is a Catholic Christian performance ministry that works with teens and because of this I am frequently asked about tapping from a Christian point of view.

Here are my thoughts on the topic. Please be warned that I am not speaking for Christians, Catholics, or any specific denomination. These are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. I would love your feedback in the comment section below.

Instead of tackling the topic all at once here are the four most common questions I am asked about the topic.

Is EFT evil and/or does it come from an evil place?

EFT is a mechanical process. If you follow the steps it will work. Much like an aspirin it will work even if you don’t believe in it. There have been over 50 peer reviewed studies for using EFT with stress, PTSD, and physical issues and it is probable that in the next 12 months EFT will be considered an evidence based technique (check out summaries of the studies).

Often the problem isn’t with EFT itself, but when it is combined with things that are not evidence based. Here is my favorite way to explain this concept:

We know that vitamin C is good for our health. Let’s pretend that because it is good for our health people decide to start using it for other things. They start adding it to their shampoo to deal with dandruff, they add it to lotion to improve their skin, they sprinkle it in the garden to help their crops grow, and they make earrings out of it to keep evil spirits away.

Just because people are doing wacky things with vitamin C it doesn’t stop it from keeping us healthy during cold and flu season, but it becomes much easier to dismiss its usefulness when it when it is surrounded by things that are less grounded.

I love the fact that EFT is something that is so easy to access and share, but it comes with the drawback that everyone who presents EFT becomes a spokesperson for EFT. Some people do this in a highly credible way, while others are less successful. I find it so frustrating when EFT websites have things like dragonflies and butterflies on them. Yes, they are cute, but they don’t present this powerful healing tool in a very professional light.

When working with EFT it is important that you work with people you trust and learn from sources that share your world view to ensure you are getting what you need and what is the best fit for you.

Can EFT be useful for my spiritual journey?

I have found EFT to be an extremely powerful tool in my personal growth. Many of the ways it has been helpful has been with my spiritual journey and spiritual life, which is easiest to illustrate through an example:

I believe that I have been created worthy of God’s unconditional love. It is not something that I have to earn in any way and it is always there. My problem isn’t in believing in God’s unconditional love, but the fact that I prevent myself from fully acknowledging and receiving it.

I will hear someone say “God loves you unconditionally” and the little voice in my head will pipe up, “That is true for others but not you,” or “It would be true if you didn’t do those horribly selfish things!” or “Maybe someday, but you are too much of a screw-up to be loved in that way right now.”

Even though it is true that I am loved unconditionally by God, I end up living as if that isn’t true.

EFT has been a powerful tool in my life in uprooting the beliefs around feeling unworthy of God’s love. As I remove these beliefs it makes it easier and easier for me to see myself as God sees me.

EFT is no replacement for spiritual practices, an active prayer life, or participating in a supportive loving community of fellow believers who encourage us and keep us accountable. It is one more tool that we can add to our regular practice to keep us healthy and facilitate our growth and healing in conjunction with many other tools.

What is the deal with “We are all energy”?

In my mind this a case of a little information being dangerous. The statement itself is accurate. Everything in the universe is energy. Einstein’s theory of relativity concerns this fact. E = m c ^2 says that an amount of matter (m) multiplied by a really big number (c ^ 2 is the speed of light squared) is equal to the amount of energy of which it is made.

In layman’s terms that means if we were able to turn the coffee cup on your desk into its pure energy form, it would be enough energy to blow the state of Kansas off the face of the earth. (Just because that is true, doesn’t mean it is easy. If it were easy we wouldn’t need oil to provide power, but that is another issue.)

The place that people start to go astray is how they apply what this means for us in an EFT sense. There are ramifications for this fact on a quantum level, but I am not smart enough to explain them (also at this point most of our quantum understanding is theoretical).

Most of the people who speak in this way are doing it terms of the “Law of Attraction” (LOA). If you would like my opinion specifically about LOA check out this conversation I had with Carol Look.

Just know that you can use EFT for physical and emotional issues without having to concern yourself with this approach or these issues. If someone is speaking in LOA terms and it makes you uncomfortable, then steer clear of their resources. It means they are not the right fit for you. It doesn’t mean that EFT is bad.

What about when people talk about that we are co-creators?

Often times Christians have trouble with the term co-creator. It can feel like by making a statement like this we are putting ourselves on the same level as God. I don’t believe this is the case. I use this term in two ways.

First, I am a creature who has been given free will. My life does not unfold unless I am exercising my free will by making choices. I create my own experience, but I am not doing this on my own. My experience is also created by the choices that are made by those around me, in both positive and negative ways. Someone in my life can choose to give me a new job opportunity or someone can hit me with a car. In both instances their choices are impacting the life I am creating for myself and in that sense we are co-creating, i.e. creating together, my experience. We don’t have an equal sense of how much we are contributing to this reality, but both parts are creating it together.

Second, I believe part of my calling from God is to exercise my free will and to create a meaningful life. I can only do this because I have been given life, gifts, talents, and opportunities from God. Again, in that sense my experience is created in a combination of what God has given me and the choices I make, in other words a co-creation. This does not imply an equivalence between me and God, simply a working together.

Conclusion

I hope you find my reflections helpful. I am still on my own learning journey and don’t claim to have all (or any) of the answers. I would love to hear your thoughts. Please add your thoughts or questions below so others can benefit from them, or drop me a note to let me know what is on your mind on the contact page.

How To See If EFT Really Worked

May 28, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

Q: When I have finished a tapping session I feel so much better, but I can’t tell if anything has changed in a lasting way. How can I tell if the tapping session has really landed and made a difference?

photo by o5com

In many ways our physical environment is a reflection of our mental state. The spaces in which we live and work are filled with things that remind us of our emotional triggers. The pile of unpaid bills, the photo of our family, the living room that just won’t stay clean, the pile of work on your desk, and the look of your co-worker’s desk can all remind you of what is going on in your emotional life.

One of my favorite ways of seeing how I am doing after I have tapped is to interact with my environment. If I am at home I go from room to room looking at everything, and making sure that I do not rush as I do this. I will pay attention to what is on the floor, hanging on the walls, and the general state of the space. (The same works if you are in your office.)

As I am walking around I pay attention to my emotional state. Do I get a feeling of overwhelm or do I have the feeling that I can clearly see what the next steps are in cleaning and rearranging my space? If there are negative emotions then this is a sign that I could use some more tapping. Often, as I move through the rooms, I will see the things that I can do right now to make things better. I am filled with ideas and motivation. This is a sign that the tapping was very fruitful.

Obviously this type of test isn’t going to work with every type of issue we tap on, but the way we respond emotionally to our physical environment is usually helpful in gauging how we are doing emotionally.

[Side note: This process also works in reverse. Here is how you can use your space to find out what you need to tap on: Cleaning House]

Don’t Do These 10 (plus 1) Things If You Want To Fail At Teaching Tapping

March 23, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 6 Comments

photo by Martin Deutsch

I love tapping. I want everyone to love tapping. I have seen its power in my own life and I want to share that with others.

When I was very new to tapping I made many mistakes when I was sharing about how great it is, mostly running people over with my enthusiasm! Here are 10 things you can do when you are teaching tapping to help you communicate better, create open-mindedness in those you are sharing with, and as comfort for yourself, regardless how it is received.

1) Control Your Enthusiasm

Yes, this will be hard! Tapping is really amazing. Everyone can find some use for tapping. It is the greatest thing since sliced bread!!!

(Deep breath)

When sharing about tapping it is important to keep in mind what it is like when you talk to someone who is really excited about something like vitamins, home composting, a new exercise regime, a new television show, or their favorite brand of cereal. At a certain point we start to tune them out because they go on and on and on about what they love and why it will change your life forever.

Be excited, but don’t run people over (or you risk looking like a lunatic)

2) Undersell it!

This goes hand in hand with controlling your enthusiasm. I have seen some really amazing things when it comes to tapping. Some of these things are so amazing that they are unbelievable to the point that it hurts tapping’s credibility because it seems over-hyped.

I have firsthand experience with tapping in helping an autistic child go from having the verbal skills of a 20 month old to that of a 5 1/2 year old in two weeks. That is amazing AND on a lot of levels unbelievable (even to me, and I saw it with my own eyes).

In these times when over-hyping is commonplace, we have a tendency to tune out really big claims.

Remember, making a headache go away in 3 minutes without the use of drugs is amazing. Killing a craving for a life-long addiction to cigarettes in 90 seconds is unreal, even if the relief is only for a few hours.

I always start with a statement like, “I know this really weird thing that might help. It doesn’t work all the time, but it only takes 60 seconds to try. Want to see what happens?”

By doing this any success will be welcomed. If we oversell it, a “small” amount of success can feel like a let down.

3) Call Tapping “Weird”

Tapping looks and feels weird because it is weird. But that is OK. There are two very good reasons to call tapping weird.

First, you will put people at ease by naming what it is. When I am teaching someone I will say, “I know this looks so silly.” It is hard to do something that people think is silly but when we name it, it becomes OK. Second, the word ‘weird’ is hypnotizing. People want to understand weird. “Oh my gosh, this is so weird you have to try it.”

Calling tapping weird won’t drive them away, but instead it will make them more comfortable with the idea and it helps with underselling it.

4) Start With A Simple Issue

You want to show people that it works so you want to use an issue that will demonstrate results quickly. If it has persisted for years or has taken years to create, it will be harder to knock out in a few minutes.

I like to have the person take a deep breath, scan their body, and find an ache or pain. Stiffness or aches in the shoulder or neck are perfect because they are normally stress related and easy to knock out.

This gives us a chance to demonstrate success without having to recall a long memory from years ago. Remember the goal is to get them excited about tapping. Once they are on board we can go after the bigger stuff because they will be willing to give us more time and attention.

5) Make Sure The SUDs Level Is Bigger Than A Three

You want to make sure the success is big enough to be significant. Many times when something goes from a 2 to 0 it is nice, but really isn’t that big of a deal. We want the issue to be big enough that it is worth trying again.

It is important to note that we don’t have to knock the whole thing out in one round to be impressive. For some reason taking a pain that is a 6 to a 4 is more impressive than taking a 2 to 0. Because we are impacting something that is much worse it feels more significant even though the first step might be small.

6) Show Them First

There have been a number of times when I have had someone who is willing to tap but as I explained it to them how to tap and why it worked, I talked them out of it. At first they were willing to try and then all of a sudden they think, “This is too weird. I’m out of here!”

What I do is something like this:

find an issue
rate its intensity
tap
get some relief
say, “Isn’t that weird and COOL!”

Then I start to explain what has happened. Now that they have experienced it firsthand they will be more open to something that is outside their norm because they have experienced the positive results firsthand.

7) Don’t Tell Them Everything You Know

You know a lot about tapping (more than you are aware). You did not get this information from one article, one video, one ebook, or one class. Because you have seen the effectiveness of tapping in your own life you have wanted to learn more. You have had time to build your knowledge base.

You need to give the people you are teaching the same chance to learn.

Give them enough information to start and try it on their own. When they are ready for more information they will ask. We don’t need them to be master tappers. They just need to be excited enough to want to learn more.

8) Follow Up

I don’t remember to tap all the time (and I do this for a living). The people you teach are very new to tapping. They will forget to use tapping as well. After showing someone how to tap make sure you check in with them a few days later.

First, it will serve as a great reminder to use it. Second, it will give you a chance to answer any questions they have that they might not have been comfortable asking out of the blue.

9) Talk About Tapping Without Talking About Tapping

People learn more when they are asking questions about something because it is coming from their own curiosity. You can talk about tapping in a natural way without beating people over the head with it, which can create a situation where they are going to ask questions.

It can happen like this…you are having coffee with a friend and you are catching up. She asking how things are going. You talk about how things were going at work, the things that were stressing you out, and how this really weird tapping thing helped you.

Your friend knows what stress at work is like and how much it stinks. She wants to be stress free and will start asking questions.

The easiest person you are ever going to teach is the person who is asking you questions and wants to learn.

10) Be OK With “Just” Planting Seeds

One of the things I am noticing about tapping is that more and more people have heard about it. Not that they are doing it (or even know how to do it), but they have heard of it. The more people hear about something from multiple sources, the more credible it is in people’s minds.

You might be the first person who brings up tapping to a friend and it might take them hearing about it from 4 or 5 places before they are willing to give it a try. It is too bad that they aren’t willing to try with you, but because you have brought it up they are one more experience closer to trying it.

Sometimes you are going to teach someone to tap and other times you will just plant seeds for the moment when they are ready to give it a try. Be easy with yourself that it is OK to be a seed planter.

Bonus) Be Easy With Yourself

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to remember everything (or even these 10 ideas). Be open. Be honest. Be loving. You will find lots of people to share with.

I would love to hear your ideas about how best to share tapping with others. Click here to read what others have to say or add your own thoughts and comments. I would really love to hear what you think!

5 Surprising Reasons You Haven’t Reached Your Goals (plus 5 EFT scripts)

March 9, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

Question: I have a great list of goals. I know what I want. I know why I want to achieve them. I just can’t seem to move forward. How can I use tapping to move towards my goals?

photo by l@mie

I spend a great deal of time working with clients helping them to move forward towards their goals. In most cases my clients have some sense of where they would like to take their lives and even know the steps that need to be followed.

For some reason they are stuck. They look at their to-do list which is the same list they made the day before with nothing crossed off.

I have found that there are 5 common reasons that we don’t take the actions we know we will improve our lives. As you read through them you may notice that a number of them apply to you.

Even if you don’t think you are experiencing one of the reasons listed take the 60 seconds it takes to tap through the script. You will be surprised at the issues you didn’t know were there that are cleared.

You Don’t Know What You Want

It’s very simple. If you don’t know where you are going then there is no way to get there. Knowing what you want is a sliding scale of understanding. For example, there is a difference between wanting a new job, wanting a new teaching job, and wanting a new teaching job where you don’t have to teach summer school, that pays for graduate classes, and that doesn’t suck your will to live.

It is possible to have too specific a definition of what you want that cripples you and holds you in one place, but that is unlikely. It is much more likely that because you don’t have a clear vision of what you want, it is hard to move forward as you don’t know what your next step should be.

Do you have a clear vision for your goal? If not try tapping with this:

I know I want better…but I am not exactly sure what that looks like…I just know it is not what I currently have…I know that if I give myself permission to dream a little…to take a step back…I can come up with a clearer vision of what I want…there might be a part of me that is worried about moving forward in this way…if I have a clear vision of what I want it is going to point out everything I don’t have…it is going to point out how far I am from my goal…it feels safer to not tune into these goals…because I don’t have to face the facts of where I am…but I need to have good idea of where I am going…if I want to get there…I give myself permission to dream a little…to see what I really want…it is closer than I think…I just need to start moving forward.

You Don’t Know Why You Want It

I think the most powerful force in helping us to move towards our goals is understanding why we want what we want. Many times what we want is really just a tool to get us to what we really want. I might say that I want to make a million dollars this year. That is a clear goal and it is something I can tell if I have achieved it.

The problem with this type of goal is that there is very little life behind it. It is just a number with a bunch of zeros after it. It is not real and it is difficult to have the motivation to move towards this imaginary number feeling.

On the other hand, knowing why I want this goal will keep me focused. If I want a million dollars this year so that I can stop the debt collection calls, take those classes that are going to take my client sessions to the next level, be able to help my parents so they can retire, and make sure the small school I love keeps its doors open, then that is something I can wrap my heart around.

It is in the why where we find our motivation. We might have known it when we created our goal list, but have since lost touch with it.

Do you know why you want your goals? If not tap to this:

I know what I want…I have given it a great deal of thought…at one point I even knew why I wanted these things…but I have lost touch with that knowledge…I know that if I take the time to reconnect with the reason why I want these things…then I am going to find my way back to my motivation…and my mojo…it is going to make it easier for me to take the steps I need to take to get closer to my goals…it is important that I remind myself why I want what I want…this will help me in the times when it is hard to act…there are times when I am going to be able to get past hurdles…and lack of energy…to move to what I want…when I remember why I want it…[keep tapping and state the reasons you want to achieve the goals you have named…keep tapping…keep coming up with reasons.]

You Don’t Really Want It

I was senior in high school. Her name was Kelly. I called her and asked her out on a date. Thankfully she said “no”.

No really…it was a good thing. We had nothing in common. I don’t know what we would have talked about. I asked her out because she was the girl I was supposed to ask out based on the social politics of my high school.

There are times when we have goals not because we think they are right for us, but because there are people in our lives who think achieving them would be a good thing for us to do. It could be a certain job, marrying a certain person, or getting a certain qualification. Because we don’t want it for ourselves we are never really going to move towards it.

Do you have a goal that isn’t really a goal you want? Then you can tap like this:

There is a goal that I have been working towards…but it isn’t something that I want…it is something that others want for me…they think it is something that will make me happy…or successful…but it is coming from their definition of happy and successful…it is not my definition…they want it for me because they want what is best for me…but it is not what is best for me…it is ok if I have my own definition of success…it is ok if I move towards the goals I want for me…this can be hard because I have been working towards this goal for a while…it will feel like I am giving up…because I have spent so much time and effort working in this direction…but I need to work towards achieving the goals that are right for me…not right for someone else…I give myself permission to let go of other people’s goals for me…I only have so much time…and so much energy…I need to invest that in things I really want for myself…it is ok that I name the things I really want for myself…I will work towards those things…this is my life…they love me…they want what is best for me…but I am going to work towards what I need for myself.

You Are Too Afraid To Put Forth Any Effort

Sometimes there is a clear sense of what we want, why we want it, and know it is our goal and not someone else’s. When the rubber meets the road there is resistance to moving forward because lots of things could go wrong when we try. It might be too big for us or we might not know how or we might fail or we might not have a clear idea of where we are going.

We like to know that we are going to be successful. It is human nature.

Are you afraid to put forth effort because of what might go wrong? Then tap like this:

I know what I want…I know why I want it…but there is a part of me that is worried about trying to get it…if I try I could fail…if I try I could find out that I am not good enough…if I try I could look foolish to the people around me…if I try I could let everyone know I have no idea what I am doing…these are all real fears…it is ok that I have these fears…because this is a part of me that wants me to be safe as I try to move forward…but I need to try…yes…I might fail…yes…I might look foolish…yes…it might be hard…but I need to try…I give myself permission to know that I am not going to be perfect…I am going to make mistakes…I am not going to get it right…but each step I take forward is going to move me closer to what I want…maybe it won’t be a perfect step…maybe it won’t even be the right step…but it is going to help me to learn what the wrong steps are so I don’t take them again…I give myself permission to know that I am not going to be perfect in working to my goals…and that is ok…I am not going to do everything exactly right…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I make choices and take action…I give myself permission to move forward in an imperfect way

Others Don’t Want To You To Change And You Would Rather Not Upset Them

It is hard to believe, but there are people in our lives who don’t want us to change. More precisely, there are people in our life who want us to change as long as it doesn’t require them to change as well.

We don’t live in a vacuum. The changes I make in one part of my life are going to affect other parts of my life. For example, if I decided to go back to school it is going to impact the amount of time I have to spend with my family.

Also, when we take action it shines a light on the lives of our loved ones and the lack of change they are experiencing. We can cause feelings of jealousy and resentment.

On some level we are aware of these things happening. Sometimes it is very obvious when loved ones resist our change and other times it happens as passive aggressive undercurrent to our interactions. We don’t like to upset our loved ones and so there is a part of us that will prevent us from taking action because we know how it is going to “hurt” others.

Are you avoiding taking action because on some level your success is going to “harm” a loved one or a relationship? Then tap on this:

I know my choices impact others…our lives are knitted together in many ways…when I add new activities to my life it means I have less time for things I have done in the past…when I move forward it is going to bring attention to the fact that others are choosing not to move forward…I don’t want to make other people’s lives harder…I don’t want to hurt my loved ones…but I know I need to move forward…I have goals that I need to work towards…to be who I want to be…when I have success I am going to be myself more fully…which means I will be able to share myself with my loved ones in different ways…also, I don’t have control over the emotional state of my loved ones…if they want to be bent out of shape because of my choices that is up to them…but I can’t let their possible emotions hold me back…I need to move forward for myself…it is ok for me to make choices for myself…I need to move forward in this way…I can’t let how others feel about my success hold me back…I give myself permission to move forward.

Take Action

Your goals aren’t going to happen on their own. You need to take action. Even if you just take these 5 scripts and tap on each of them every morning you will see a difference. That is right, just taking the 3 minutes it takes to tap through these will remove resistance to change. You will take one more step towards your goal.

Which really is a powerful thing.

If you are looking for a more comprehensive tool for clearing blocks to taking action, check out The 10 Steps To Getting Out Of Your Own Way To Get What You Want

Let me know your thoughts on what is holding you back from your goals and what has helped you to break those barriers down by commenting below.

The Great Visualization Hoax – A 4 Step Tapping Plan Of Attack

February 10, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 5 Comments

Question: I would like to use visualization and law of attraction principles with my tapping. How can I do that?

[NOTE: I have a feeling this article is going to ruffle a few feathers. The science cited is far from definitive, but very interesting. I would love your feedback on this so please let me know your thoughts.]

The tool that is cited the most in the LOA community is visualization. “If you can see it, you can be it.”

Personally, I have always been a little skeptical. I fall much more in line with what Tony Robbins is credited with as saying about visualization: “If you sit all day in your living room thinking about what you want, something will show up. It will be the repo man!”

In my mind visualization alone has never been enough. If it were every teenage boy would be dating a Playboy bunny (something they spend a great deal of time visualizing very emotionally).

Action is required.

The Science Of Visualization

One of the reasons I love science so much is because the attitude is, “You think this is true? Great! Let’s test it to see if it really is so.”

To that end, a number of scientists have been putting visualization to the test. Four of these studies were featured at Forbes.com and what they found was that visualization in terms of just seeing what you want, actually makes it less likely for you to get what you want.

As the article states:

During the course of four experiments, Kappes and Oettingen demonstrated that conjuring positive fantasies of success drains the energy out of ambition. When we imagine having reached what we want, our brains fall for the trick. Instead of mustering more energy to get “there”, we inadvertently trigger a relaxation response that mimics how we would feel if we’d actually reached the goal. Physiologically, we slide into our comfy shoes; blood pressure lowers, heart rate decreases, all is well in the success world of our mind’s making.

The research also uncovers that the more pressing the need to succeed, the more deflating positive visualization becomes. One of the experiments tested whether water-deprived participants would experience an energy drain from visualizing a glass of icy cold water (a simple but elegant study design) and found that indeed, in even something so basic, the brain responds as if the goal has been reached.

From a “proof is in the pudding” standpoint, the research showed that participants told to visualize attaining goals throughout the course of the week ended up attaining far fewer goals than a control group told they could mull over the week’s challenges any way they liked. The positive visualizers also self-reported feeling less energetic than the control group, and physiological tests supported their claim.

That is a “WOW!”

Does That Mean We Stop Using Visualization?

In a word “No”!

What these studies point out is that just being in the moment and feeling what we want can be a harmful tool. It makes us feel better in the moment but it makes us less likely to take action.

But this not the only way to visualize. There are actually ways to use visualization that are very helpful. The key to using any tool is to ascertain how it can be useful in removing the things that are holding us back from taking action, and how it opens us up to opportunities to lead us to our goals.

There is a very simple way to do this and tapping will super-charge it.

Four Step Visualization Process Combined With Tapping That Works

There are a few things to keep in mind when looking at these four steps.

First, you don’t have to do them in the order they are presented and you don’t have to do all four steps in any one tapping session. As you will see each of these steps is set up to clear out different blocks to action. Clearing just one area is going to move you to a place where taking action is even easier.

Second, when doing each of these steps tap, tap, and then tap some more. Tap six or seven times on each point and then move to the next point. As you do each of the steps you are going to be tuning into the limiting beliefs and emotions that need to be tapped on. If we are tapping whilst these are surfacing we will clear them.

Third, for this to work you are going to need a clear vision of what you want and why you want it. There are many ways to write goals. I have a way that I think works best, but it is not the only way. Choose the way that makes the most sense for you.

Fourth, depending on the goal not every step is going to bring up every emotion and belief listed below. The ones that need to surface are the ones that will surface.

Step 1: Imagine Someone Else Achieving The Goal You Want

Task: In your mind imagine what it is like to witness someone else living the goal that you want to achieve. Imagine what their daily life is like as they have this goal. Imagine how they feel, imagine what they achieve, imagine what they feel as they achieve, and imagine the obstacles they encounter (AND how they get past these).

Goal: Doing this type of visualization can surface three types of emotions in us.

First, any jealousy that we have towards the people have achieved what we want will surface. Often the best resources we have to getting to our goal are the people who have already achieved something similar. If we are jealous of them it will be hard for us to look at their success from a distance and learn from it or, if we have access to the person, be able ask them for information to help to get ourselves to the same place. Our jealousy will shut us out from many resources we could use to take the right action.

Second, any emotions of inadequacy that we feel about the goal will start to surface. Thoughts of “That is right for them, but I could never have that!” If we don’t feel worthy or deserving of a goal then we will stop ourselves from taking the action that will lead us to achieving them.

Third, any negative beliefs we or others might have towards this type of success will surface. For example we could be doing this type of visualization around financial success. We might see someone who is very wealthy treating those around them with disdain and contempt. If we believe that rich people are mean then we will prevent ourselves from taking action to reach this goal because we don’t want to end up behaving the same way.

Step 2: Imagine Yourself Living The Goal

Task: This is not the “feel good and happy” as you imagine you are doing this. We are not looking to have warm fuzzy feelings while doing this. We are also not courting negative feelings. Instead, we want to feel realistically what it is like to have this goal happening in our life. How does it feel? What is exciting, frustrating, overwhelming, and impossible? Pay attention to all the emotions that come up. (Remember you are tapping while you do this.)

Goal: By realistically feeling (both good and bad) what comes along with the goal we will find our way to feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and overwhelm. We also might find emotions of “if we succeed we can lose it”. It is very hard for us to take action when we don’t think we are worthy of the goal. By tapping on these emotions we are removing the block of thinking that it is impossible, making action more possible.

Step 3: Imagine You Know How Others Feel About Your Success

Task: This step is exactly like step two, but in step three we are going to add everyone else in our lives. As you see yourself living the goal also imagine that you can read the minds and hear the whispers of others as you enjoy success. Are they supportive, jealous, or saying how much you have changed? Are they feeling sad about their own lives or overwhelmed because your success is pointing out their failure? Obviously you have no idea what others are thinking, but just make a guess.

Goal: There are times where we will hold ourselves back because of what others might think about us.. I once had a client report “I know how my fat friends talk about my skinny friends. If I lose weight they will say the same horrible catty things about me.” If we think our success is going to hurt our relationships or how people see us in negative ways, then we will prevent our own success.

By imagining what others are saying and thinking about our success we are going to be able to name (and clear) the blocks that are holding back our action.

Step 4: Imagine Encountering Obstacles

Task: Imagine all possible roadblocks and obstacles to you achieving your goal. Imagine the things you don’t know how to do. Imagine the people you ask for help saying “no”. Imagine your plans not working out. Imagine having everything go to plan and still not have it work out.

How do you feel when you imagine these scenarios? Keep playing them out in your mind. Now that something hasn’t worked out what is your next step or next plan of attack. Did that work? If not, in your imagination try something new.

Goal: One of the types of visualization that Kappes and Oettingen recommend from their research is to imagine that we are facing different obstacles and roadblocks. By doing this we have the opportunity to practice responding to things that didn’t work out. Instead of falling in a heap on the floor because it didn’t work out, we are training ourselves to respond to changes of plans. We are getting a chance to deal with the emotions of rejection and failure when the stakes are very low. So that when obstacles come up (and they are going to come up) we are going to be emotionally prepared to deal with them.

Take Action

The time is now. You need to do something. You can’t sit around imagining things and expect them to show up at your doorstep. You need to know what you want, know what is going to stop you, clear yourself emotionally, and TAKE ACTION! Otherwise you are just daydreaming. Take some time each day and work these steps and you will start moving towards your goals.

Let me know what you think of this in the comments below.

Talking Emotions and Tapping With Kids /w Jondi Whitis

January 28, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

I want to talk to my kids about their emotions and to teach them to tap, but I don’t know how to start. Do you have any recommendations?

I love tapping with kids, but not everyone is as comfortable as I am working with them. I had a chance to chat with Jondi Whitis of TappingStar about how to talk to kids about emotions, tapping, and what adults can do better when talking to kids about their emotions.

I hope you enjoy this interview!