EFT/Tapping Q and A with Gene Monterastelli - Emotional Freedom Techniques

The Problem With Priorities, Overwhelm, And How To Tap For Them (w/ Tapping Script)

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You-eventually-learn that-true

Merlin Mann is a technologist, a productivity specialist, and a professional provocateur. I mention the last part because he has the tendency to say things that are true and useful, but in a rather blunt way.

During one of his fabulous podcasts (Back To Work) he was describing a question and answer session with a group of top level executives at a very large company.

One of the execs was asking about how to manage her time and her inbox. She was describing how she had so many priorities that it was impossible to get anything done.

Merlin asked her how many priorities she had. Without skipping a beat she replied, “Twenty-seven!”

Merlin’s response: “You eventually learn that true priorities are like arms; if you think you have more than a couple, you’re either lying or crazy.”

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The Root Of My Issues

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Can't see the image? Click display. Last week I met up with a friend to catch up over a couple of drinks.

As always, the topic of my dating life came up. Since we had last chatted there wasn’t anything new to share.

Interesting first dates that didn’t lead to second dates. Dates who were really interested and interesting who ended up ghosting [1]. Chances to try new restaurants and bars in the city.

Really, it was just more of the same.

My friend said incredulously, “I don’t know what is wrong with them!” referring to the women I’d dated.

I appreciated the support but I was stuck by one fact.

Every single one these interactions had one thing in common.

It wasn’t the way I was treated. It wasn’t the fact that I felt undervalued or misunderstood.

And that one thing?

ME!

Patterns

When doing any sort of analysis or problem solving one of the fundamental principles I use is: “Once is an anomaly. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.”

When I look at my dating/relationship history honestly (or as honestly as any of us can do with self-reflection) I see lots of patterns: spending time with the wrong people, dating people with only a short term goal in mind, and not communicating clearly (as in not letting my ‘no’ mean ‘no’ and my ‘yes’ mean ‘yes’).

I don’t have control over the people who choose to go out with me, but I do control the type of people I seek, how I seek them, and how I act once I have connected with them.

Almost all of my recent dating experience has at least one of those things in common (most have more than one).

Things I Can Change

Because of this revelation I have decided that I need to spend some time daily tapping on my relationship fears. All of my unhelpful patterns can be traced back to my fears around being seen and being rejected.

Doing this work doesn’t mean that I will end up in a lasting love relationship, but it does mean that I am much less likely to continue making the choices standing in the way of that type of relationship.

Taking Responsibility

This work is not about fault or claiming that we are the sole creator of everything we experience. Others have free will and their choices impact us.

This work IS about taking responsibility for ourselves and our role in creating our experience. It is about recognizing that we are present for all of our issues.

What this means for me is that I need to look clearly at my own experience, recognize the parts for which I am responsible, and take ownership of those parts.

If this is something you would like to do too, here are some tapping phrases to start you on the right path:

I recognize the fact that there are things in the world beyond my control…I recognize that there are things in the world that I DO control…And I recognize that I tend to believe I have much less control than I actually do…I am not the sole creator of my experience…I am co-creating my day and my life with everyone I interact with…I choose to take responsibility for the things that I do control…I can control my thoughts…I can control my emotions…I can control my actions…Often it is easier to let the world act on me and my life…It is easier just to react…Claiming that I don’t have control…Today I choose to take more responsibility for my own life…Today I choose to recognize that I am present in all my issues…Today I choose to recognize that I can make different choices…This doesn’t mean everything will change all at once…But by being more aware I am more likely to make better choices…Regardless of what choice I make next…I know I can learn from that choice as well.

I hope you find this point of view helpful.

I know it is changing the way I live day to day.

[1] Ghosting: the act of disappearing in a phantom-like fashion from someone you are seeing.

The Trouble With The Word Quit

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I just typed “quotes with quit” into Google and here are some of the results:

I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’ — Muhammad Ali

If you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you’ll be a better person. It’s how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit. — William J. Clinton

Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit. — Napoleon Hill

Winners never quit and quitters never win. — Vince Lombardi

We will all fail in life, but nobody has to be a failure. Failing at a thing doesn’t make you a failure. You are only a failure when you quit trying. — Joyce Meyer

If you quit ONCE it becomes a habit. Never quit! — Michael Jordan

For the most part I agree with these quotes.

Most of the success in my life has come after I pushed past the place of struggle and pain. A sound work ethic and persistence are both important.

But there is a problem with all the “Quitters never win” talk. It builds the unconscious belief that we shouldn’t quit anything.

There Are Things We Need To Quit!

Sometimes quitting something is the smart thing to do.

Some of them are obvious. People want to quit smoking, eating sweets, or sleeping in too late on the weekend.

I want to quit watching TV after 9:30 pm so I can get a better night’s rest.

If someone said to you that they wanted to quit smoking you wouldn’t respond, “Quitters never win.” That would be just silly!

But there is a part of us that thinks we have to finish everything we start. That quitting is a sign of weakness or it questions our integrity because we are not living up to our work.

The truth is there a lot of things in your life that you need to quit doing. Some of them were never healthy (like smoking) to begin with, but others started out as helpful, but no longer are.

For example, there might be a class that you started because you thought it would help your career, but since you started the class your goals have changed. By staying in the class you are wasting time and money on the class.

BUT…there is a part of you that won’t let you do it because quitting is a sign of weakness. Quitting signals your lack of integrity. And quitters never win!

I Give You Permission To Quit!

I want you to be a quitter. I want you to give up. I want you to let go of commitments you have made.

Not all of them. Not even most of them. Just the ones that are no longer serving you.

As you think about that is there a knot in your stomach? If so, tap along to this:

There is a part of me that doesn’t want me to quit…Because quitters never win…And winners never quit…But this is no longer serving me…It is a waste of my time and effort…It is holding me back…I am not quitting it because it is hard…I am not quitting it because it is too much…I am quitting it because I need to be doing something else…Quitting this is not a sign of weakness…It is a sign of strength to let go of something that is no longer serving me…It is OK for me to quit this thing that is no longer good for me…It is better for me to quit…I am not failing…I am crafting the life I want and need to create…I am not choosing away from something…but instead choosing toward something that is serving me.

Getting More Help Taking The Right Action

Taking the right action is about knowing what right action to take, the right actions to quit, and having a clear vision in how all those things work together. If would like help creating the courage to quit the tasks and activities that are no longer serving you I encourage you to check out the Ruach Center where we have over 290 tools, tap along audios, and resources to help release what is not serving you and take the action that does.

I Feel Sad…I Am Not Sad

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In all of the training I have done to improve myself as a practitioner, learning about NLP meta-models has been some of my favorite.

At its simplest, it looks at the way people use language to describe the world. Often by examining the way people talk we can identify the beliefs causing distress.

Here is a simple example. Recently one of my clients “Debbie” said, “Everyone at work hates me.” My follow up question was, “Really, everyone?”

It is possible but highly unlikely that everyone at work hates Debbie. But if she walks into the office every morning believing that everyone hates her then she will be constantly on the defensive and prepared for attack.

When I ask, “Really, everyone?” she replied, “Well, no, not everyone.” By using the correct language to describe what was truly going on we were able to find our way to the real problem and address it.

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The Dirty Secret About Being Successful

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The other night I had a vivid dream.

It was about a group of five friends in their early 20s who moved to New York City to pursue careers in entertainment. In the dream I didn’t know the five of them well but I think they were friends of a friend.

I was helping them to find their way in the city, like so many did for me when I moved here.

In the dream they had been in the city for a few months, they had established themselves and we were meeting for drinks.

As we were chatting I kept asking them, “Are you here for the adventure and story of pursuing something in NYC or are you here to be successful?”

They just looked at me and shrugged. They didn’t understand my question.

The Story Of Success Vs. Success

For a year and a half I pretended that I was moving to New York City.

I would catch up with friends and they would ask what is going on in my life. I would excitedly tell them, “I’m moving to New York!”

In most cases they would be excited for me. “That sounds like such a great adventure.”

Looking forward to something fun felt great. My friends shared the thrill vicariously by daydreaming a little about adventure and what it might be like for them to make a big change.

Then the conversation would move on and we would move on.

But I was no closer to taking action.

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Why You Are So Scared To Take Action

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There are lots of reasons why we don’t take action.

In the end most of those reasons boil down to fear.

We are afraid that we will fail, be judged, look stupid, show that we aren’t good enough, prove that we aren’t worthy of success…and the list goes on.

Sometimes we are able to name our fear clearly but often it is something indistinct that is holding us back, bubbling away in the background.

It makes perfect sense that fear would hold us back from taking action. Fear is a vital primitive response that kicks in when danger threatens our safety. It keeps us safe.

So fear is not the problem.

The problem is when fear shows up in the absence of danger or when we experience fear much larger than is warranted for the situation.

How Big Does The Fear Need To Be?

One of the things I love about NYC in the warmer months is cycling around the city. I put on my helmet and off I go. But that wasn’t always the case.

I can remember when I moved to Washington, DC to go to university. The first time I rode a bike in a major city was a scary experience. I was not used to being just inches away from cars or having to avoid parked cars everywhere.

I grew up in a small town in Wyoming where most cars were parked in driveways, the roads were wide, and with the exception of a few major roadways there was very little traffic.

The difference between today and my first ride in a major city is lots of experience. I don’t cycle in a carefree, thoughtless way today, but because of my experience I know which situations are dangerous and which aren’t.

The Problem Of No Experience

A lack of experience when we are trying new things is one of the reasons that fear crops up. The part of us trying to keep us safe doesn’t know how things are going to turn out so it over reacts and perceives situations as more dangerous than they really are.

The fear of the unknown creates a situation where it is very hard to take action.

How To Tap Before The Action

I find tapping before I try something new really helpful. When I spend a few moments tapping to clear my resistance and fear it allows me to move forward without feeling paralyzed or overwhelmed.

The tapping looks something like this:

I understand that I am about to try something new…And because it’s something that I don’t have a great deal of experience with…There is a part of me that is hesitant…There is a part of me that is worried this won’t work out…There is a part of me that is worried that I don’t even know the right things to be worried about…But I have done new things before…And I have done them successfully…I’m not going to rush in blindly…I am not going to be careless…Or thoughtless…But I trust myself enough to know that I will learn from this attempt…I know that I don’t have to do it perfectly the first time…The next time I do it I will do it better…And I choose to be calm and confident as I embrace this new experience.

After tapping in this fashion I know that I am more likely to take action AND with lowered stress levels my action feels more comfortable and manageable.

Clearing The Fear

If you are looking for help with clearing the fears (named and unnamed) you have before taking action I would encouge you to check out the Ruach Center where you will find over 280 tap-along audios. More than 100 of them are geared towards clearing resistance to action, which shows up in the form of fear.

Can I Tap For More Willpower?

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Recently I was working with a client I’ll call “Devon”. During our call she was giving me an update on her week and her progress with her to-do list.

She said, “Things are going really well. I’m starting each day with the tapping we talked about and I’m making lots of good choices in the morning. The problem is that by the end of the day I seem to have no willpower left. Is it possible to tap for more willpower?”

My answer to this was, “No and sort of.”

Let me explain…

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Fail Forward Fast

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A few weeks ago I wrote about the main reasons we don’t take action is fear.

Of all the fears we experience the one my clients talk about most is the fear of failure and the consequences that come with failure, such as the waste of time, feeling embarrassed that others have seen us fail, and missing an opportunity, to name just a few.

The truth is that often failing is the best thing that can happen to us because of how much we learn about failure.

Ready! Fire! Aim!

There is a common misconception about the skill of sharpshooters. Most people believe that they are so skilled and prepare so much for a shot that when they fire they are prefect.

In reality, particularly for long distance shots, they quickly line up the best shot they can and once they have fired, they follow the trajectory of the bullet. When they see where their first shot lands they have a better understanding of the conditions (like wind). They rapidly adjust and fire again.

The second bullet is fired so quickly that their target hasn’t had a chance to respond to the first shot.

You could see the first shot as a failure as it missed the target, but because a lot was learned from the first shot, the second is much more precise.

Fail Forward Fast

When successful business men and women are asked what they would do differently in growing their businesses a common response is, “I would have made my mistakes much quicker. I didn’t know what I didn’t know and my assumptions were flawed. Only through trial and error did I find my way to the right path.”

In the first press conference after Cam Cameron was hired as head coach of the Miami Dolphins he declared that the team was going to “fail forward fast”. He was setting the tone for his players and coaches that mistakes were OK as long as they were made in the right direction and lessons were learned from them.

Not Failing For Failure’s Sake

It’s important to note in the sharpshooter example that the first shot is fired with thought, training, and experience. Once a reasonable shot is lined up feedback is gathered from the results.

When we take action we are not doing it mindlessly or carelessly. We are not seeking failure just so we can claim progress from it.

Instead we are doing enough planning to take a reasonable action that will move us forward and if we do fail we will also have the opportunity to learn from it.

Here is a simple way to tap to help you to take action when the fear of failure is holding you back:

There is a part of me that is afraid that I will fail…Failure is no fun..Failure hurts…Failure shows others I can’t do this…Failure is a waste of time…Failure is a waste of an opportunity…Because I am worried about failure I am not taking action…I recognize the fact that everything I can do today…At some point I couldn’t do it…And I failed many times while learning how to do it…When I fail I am gaining real world experience…And that will help me to make better choices next time…I will never get it perfect by planning and planning and planning…At some point I need to take action…I am not going to be careless…And I am not going to be thoughtless…I give myself permission to take action knowing I won’t be perfect…Because I can make progress and be successful without having to be perfect…I have survived failure before and I will survive it again…I am not failing just to fail…I am not seeking failure…But when it happens I will make the most of it.

Clearing The Fear

If you are looking for help clearing the fears (named and unnamed) you have before taking action I would encourage you to check out the Ruach Center where you will find over 280 tap-along audios, with over 100 of them geared towards clearing resistance to action which shows up in the form of fear.

There are over 45 minutes of tap-along audios geared to dealing with the fear of failure and over 30 minutes designed specifically to clear the need to be perfect before taking action.

Just Because We Can Try It On Anything Doesn’t Mean It Works For Everything

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I love the emails that I receive from my readers. (You can always email me directly.)

At least once a day I receive some version of the question: “What are the tapping phrases I should use for [insert issues]?”

This question is flawed in two ways.

First, the words we use are not magic. There are no “right” words to tap to. (I address this in “The Most Misunderstood Part Of Tapping: The Words You Say”.)

Second, there are times when tapping isn’t going to solve the problem.

For example, one of my clients recently started our session with, “I am having trouble sitting down to build the website for my business. I would like to tap for that.”

I didn’t ask about emotional issues. I didn’t ask what she was afraid of. I didn’t ask about past childhood traumas with computers.

I asked, “Do you know how to build a website?”

She said, “No.”

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They Don’t Want You To Change (No Matter What They Say)

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I need to warn you upfront: This article may come across as a little harsh.

I don’t mean to be harsh. I don’t intend to be mean. But this is a really important concept we need to keep in mind.

The fact is simple:

Our loved ones want us to transform and have a better life as long as they don’t have to change too.

It’s not that they don’t want good things for us. It’s not that they don’t think our progress is a good thing. It’s not that they don’t want the best for us.

The fact is there is something happening under the surface that makes it hard for them to support our change.
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