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Why Self-Help Gurus Might Be Bad For You

July 28, 2021 By Gene Monterastelli 5 Comments

Note: This article was first published October 12th, 2014 and has been updated.

If you have been reading my website or newsletter for any length of time, then I am sure you have read something where I was bragging about my great editor. She is the best! (And more importantly she has become a good friend.)

She does more than make sure my dyslexic writing is clear and readable, she really cares about the quality of work that appears on the site. When what I have written is unclear, she provides great recommendations. If I have written something that is not quite accurate, her research ensures I am set straight. If I am behind on newsletters and articles, she gently reminds me about deadlines.

AND she is always (and I mean always) challenging any inflated, hypey language that I use in headlines, subject lines, or in sales letters.

On the surface I think this happens for two reasons. First, she is looking at my copy from how it feels as a consumer, rather than a marketer. Second, she is not American. The American style of marketing tends to be hypey. She is from Africa and lives in Europe, so she provides a larger perspective that I might miss.

Both of these things are invaluable, but it goes much deeper than that.

Marketing that points out the pain

I spend a lot of time working with my clients on marketing their products and services. I help them tweak their message, I clean up their sales copy, and I help them practice talking to prospective clients.

In the last fifteen years I have spent more time and money on learning how to write good sales copy and communicate in a sales setting than on all of my other training combined.

I understand the key to selling anything is getting your potential customer in touch with the pain they are experiencing. For extreme examples all you need to do is think of infomercials where you are shown an example of a blunt old knife smushing a tomato, the old garden hose in hopeless tangles, or an ancient mop making more of a mess than it is cleaning up.

As we have talked about many times before, we are most likely to make changes in our lives when we are either in a great deal of pain or really close to achieving a goal.

Effective marketing helps you to recognize your pain. It points out everything that is going wrong. The more clearly you see how bad your problem is, the more likely it is that you will want to take action to relieve your pain.

This is my life, not a salad

In principle, I do not have a problem with pointing out the pain someone is experiencing.

If you read any of the sales letters I have written, you will see I spend a lot of time doing just that. I am not trying to make your life worse. I am not trying to cause you more pain. I can honestly say I am trying to get you to level with yourself so that you recognize the cost of not changing.

But this becomes a tricky business.

It is one thing for me to point out how you are wrecking your tomatoes when you are making a salad with a blunt knife. It is a totally different matter when I am pointing out a part of your life, your work, or your body, with which you are less than satisfied.

When I (or any other marketer) start talking about what is unsatisfactory in your personal life, we are tapping into something that could be acutely painful.

In doing this my goal is always to be working from a place of wanting what is best for my readers. So when I point out dissatisfaction and pain, I am doing it because I know you are made for better and I want better for you.

But just because my intention is to do that in a helpful way doesn’t mean I am always successful.

Pain for sales’ sake

In some ways it is easier to sell self-help products than it is to sell anything else. It is hard to get you worked up about not liking the way your tomatoes are cut. It is really easy to get you worked up about the things you don’t like about your life.

You already know what those things are. They are the reason why you might emotionally eat or drink too much or stay in a job that isn’t right for you. For the most part we are able to numb that pain in our daily life.

But a good sales letter will pull all that pain to the surface and expose it to the bright light.

As marketers, once we have you in that pain, it is easy.

All you want to do is find relief from that pain. You read the promises of the product being sold. You read the glowing testimonials of the people who have used it.

You think, “This is too good to be true!” AND you are in so much pain that you pull out your credit card.

A hard drive full of self-help tools

I want to be clear. I am not saying self-help tools and coaching programs don’t work. Nor am I saying that all self-help marketers are hucksters and cheats.

I know lots of them. There are so many in the world who are creating amazing products, running transformational programs, and are making a real difference in their clients’ lives.

At this moment I am more concerned about the hard drives full of digital products that are collecting digital dust.

I am willing to bet your computer is full of them.

You don’t need another program. You don’t need another sure thing. You don’t need a miracle catch-all.

The first step is to look through the hard drive of materials you already have and use one of the tools.

If you are unable to find time or a way to use the tools you already have, then the problem probably isn’t in the tools. More than likely the issue is about actually doing the work. It is about the struggle of creating a routine or having a system to keep you accountable to taking consistent action.

Before you buy the next thing

I would like you to do this for me. Before you buy your next self-help thing, from me or from someone else (but especially if it is from me!) I want you to tap to these phases:

Right now I am in pain…The sales letter I just read…Has helped me to reconnect with this pain…But it is a pain that I already know is there…This is something I know I need to change…As I consider buying this product…I am open to the possibility that it might be helpful…It might be the exactly right thing for me to buy…And it might also be something that I think will fix my problems…I know that change is possible…I know that I can have better…I know that I am made for better…But buying another product…Or signing up for another class is not going to do it…I need to take the tool set I am considering buying and apply it…And I need to apply it consistently…That is how change will happen…It is OK if I buy this…If it is the right thing for me.

Print this out. Bookmark this. Or just think of it the next time you are considering buying a new self-help product.

I want you to have the life you want. I know my life is better because I have invested in self-help tools. But I also know that my computer is filled with tools and programs and guides I have never used!

Make good choices, not just choices in the hope of a quick fix.

You are worth it.

[Note: Let me know if you are looking for an awesome editor or someone to do other tasks for your business. I would happily connect you with mine. Like I said, she really is the best!]

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Self Esteem, Self Help, Self Love

Attune-Explore-Lead: The Functions of the Words Used While Tapping

July 26, 2021 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

In an effort to make the research around tapping more accessible to the general public David Feinstein, Ph. D., is writing summaries of these studies. You can find all the summaries that have been shared so far here.


One of the biggest challenges in being an effective tapping practitioner comes down to this question: What words do I use (or ask my client to use) to accompany the tapping process?

Choosing the right words, phrases, or sentences based on an individual’s temperament, history, and target problem or goal is often the critical difference between an effective tapping session and one that fails to create desired outcomes.

To uncover the ins and outs of the words and language used in conjunction with tapping, clinical psychologist David Feinstein, Ph.D., presents the first peer-reviewed report to examine the wording used during actual acupoint tapping sessions. The report analyzes hundreds of videotaped statements that were judged as moving a session in a positive direction. Read more.

About David: DAVID FEINSTEIN, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and a pioneer in developing innovative therapeutic approaches, leading to nine national awards for his books on consciousness and healing. He and his wife, Donna Eden, have built the world’s largest and most vibrant organization teaching energy medicine. Their latest award-winning book, The Energies of Love, achieved best-seller status on the NY Times Relationship List. David has served on the faculties of The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Antioch College, and the California School of Professional Psychology.

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: David Feinstein, EP Summaries

How Tappers See Tapping

July 2, 2021 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

In an effort to make the research around tapping more accessible to the general public David Feinstein, Ph. D., is writing summaries of these studies. You can find all the summaries that have been shared so far here.


Tapping on acupuncture points while saying certain statements aloud is a powerful tool for resolving mental, emotional, and physical difficulties. More than 120 clinical trials show the approach (which falls under the category of “Energy Psychology”) to be fast and effective in producing strong outcomes.

But how can tapping on the skin make a difference? It looks strange and seems like wishful thinking, yet informed estimates suggest that millions of people worldwide have experienced substantial positive change!

To unravel the mysteries of tapping, a new in-depth analysis by psychologist David Feinstein examined the reports of more than 800 practitioners and clients who participated in 15 studies based on interviews or online surveys.

Continue to a Summary of the Study and a Link to the Entire Paper…

About David: DAVID FEINSTEIN, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and a pioneer in developing innovative therapeutic approaches, leading to nine national awards for his books on consciousness and healing. He and his wife, Donna Eden, have built the world’s largest and most vibrant organization teaching energy medicine. Their latest award-winning book, The Energies of Love, achieved best-seller status on the NY Times Relationship List. David has served on the faculties of The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Antioch College, and the California School of Professional Psychology.

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: David Feinstein, EP Summaries

What If I don’t (or can’t say while Tapping/EFT) “Completely Love And Accept Myself”?

June 30, 2021 By Gene Monterastelli 5 Comments

Note: This article was originally published October 22nd 2012 and has been updated.

From the very beginning, the first step of Gary Craig’s Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) was to tap on the side of the hand and use what he called the set-up phrase: “Even though I have this issue I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

I can appreciate the sentiment of wanting this for ourselves, but many clients over the years have queried why they need to use this phrase.

Here are five thoughts to consider when choosing tapping phrases:

1) The Words We Use While Tapping Aren’t Magic

This is the piece of advice I give most often to tapping beginners. When most of us learn tapping we are taught to tap on a point while saying a phrase. This can lead us to believe that to get relief what we need to do is say a phrase and tap.

In reality the way we find relief while tapping is by focusing on an issue and tapping on the points. Saying words out loud about the problem is one effective way of focusing your effort BUT it is not the only way.

Your focus is of most importance, not the words you use.

Sometimes a specific word, phrase, or reframe will help us to focus intensely, while at other times no words are needed at all. The great thing about tapping is that it is really quick and there are few consequences for trying something new.

My advice is to try lots of different phrases and find the ones that work best for you. If something is not ringing true, try something else, it will only cost you a few seconds. So if the phrase “I love and accept myself” isn’t useful, then look for something else that is.

[For more information on the types of information that we get from each round of tapping and what to try next check out Feedback: What We Can Learn From Each Round Of Tapping]

2) Even If We Don’t Believe The Words We Say While Tapping They Can Still Be Helpful

This builds on the principle of our focus being more important than the words we say. Often saying words we don’t believe helps us to focus on the issue we want to address.

Let’s take weight release as an example.

Imagine that you want to release 35 lbs. but there is a part of you that doesn’t believe it is possible. You could tap on the phrase “there is a part of me that doesn’t believe I can release this weight” as an easy way to tune in to that part of yourself that feels hopeless about shedding the excess pounds.

You could also say the exact opposite and achieve the same result. You could tap on a phrase like “I know that I am going to release 35 lbs!” and the little voice inside my head will respond “No, you are not! There is no way you will release this weight. It’s hopeless!”

Here the focus is not on the words, but on the feelings of hopelessness around the situation. In both cases you are tapping on the same issue, even though the phrases have opposite meanings.

The same can be true for the phrase “I love and accept myself.” When you say this phrase out loud and focus on whatever emotions arise, you will be tapping on the issue that needs to be addressed.

This is especially true if you believe the phrase because the critical voice inside your head will pipe up and tell you so.

3) There Might Be A Reason That You Don’t Like The “Love And Accept Myself” Phrase While Tapping

I find it interesting when my clients have an immediate visceral reaction to something because it tells me that we have struck a nerve.

For example, you could call me overly obsessive about sports. I may disagree with you on this, but you won’t get an emotional response from me because it’s not something I worry about in my own life.

On the other hand, if you were to call me self-absorbed, that would elicit an emotional response from me. I would feel attacked, hurt, and offended. Not because this is not true, but because I do personally I struggle with this concern. I would feel attacked because there is a wound around this area of my life and you just prodded that wound.

I believe one of the main reasons people don’t like saying “I love and accept myself” is because it hits close to home as something a part of them can’t believe. We don’t like saying these words because they remind us of our own failings.

Saying something we don’t believe in gives us the opportunity to tune in to the part of our personality that doesn’t believe the phrase. If there is a strong “I don’t like saying I love and accept myself” reaction, then this is a great area to explore when you are tapping on our own or with a practitioner.

4) Other Phrases To Try While Tapping

Occasionally some issues can be so emotionally charged that it is not useful or safe for us to dive into them. One of the reasons I love tapping is because it allows us to creep up on a problem slowly without having to go directly to the most painful part of it.

If the phrase “I completely love and accept myself” is too emotionally charged to be useful to you, try these alternatives instead:

  • I give myself permission to love and accept myself
  • I might not believe that I love and accept myself, but someday I know it will be possible to love and accept myself
  • I am worthy of loving and accepting myself if I don’t right now
  • I give myself permission to love and accept myself one day
  • I give myself permission to believe that it is possible to love and accept myself
  • It is safe for me to love and accept myself
  • There is a part of me that fully loves and accepts myself even if I don’t have access to that part at this moment
  • Even though I am not perfect, I am open to the possibility of loving and accepting myself anyway
  • This work is helping me to work towards loving and accepting myself

If you are looking for more creative set-up phrases you should check out the set-up phrase generator. Each time you refresh the page it will give you 10 new set-up phrases to try.

5) The Reason I Never Start With The Set-Up Phrase

Never might be a little strong, but as a general rule I don’t start a round of tapping with the set-up phrase because the emotional reaction it prompts in many people can be distracting. If you are tapping on an issue that has nothing to do with love and acceptance and you have an issue with that idea, then you are complicating the moment.

For example, let’s say I’m tapping on a pain in my knee and I tap on “Even though I have this pain in my knee I love and accept myself.” Now I am dealing with the pain in my knee AND I have surfaced issues with the self-acceptance issue. Instead, I find it more useful and natural to tap on self-acceptance when it arises in connection with another issue.

This last point is rather controversial and I know a number of respected practitioners who would strongly disagree with me. As always, do what works best for you.

Conclusion

Do you have to say, “I love and accept myself” for tapping to work? Of course not.

BUT if you are having a hard time saying it or you feel uncomfortable when you think about it, then it is more than likely that you have hit a nerve around an issue that needs some extra attention. As Mastin Kipp says, “Without self-acceptance self-help won’t work” so you might consider making time to tap specifically on this issue.

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Accept, Don't Know What Words To Say, Emotions, Love, Phrases, Physical Response, Resistance

Win A Free Session With Gene

October 2, 2020 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

Every day in the month of November I will be posting a brand new free tap-along video to my website and I am going to encourage you to tap along with me.

This week I spent some time working on the list of topics I plan to cover in the videos, based on the questions I’ve been receiving in my inbox and the conversations I’ve been having with my clients.

Do you have a topic you think I should cover? If so, I would love to hear from you.

As an incentive, I am giving away two free 30-minute one-on-one Zoom sessions with me.

One of those sessions will be awarded to the person who submits the topic I like the best. The other session will be given to someone selected at random.

Filed Under: Q&A

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Gene MonterastelliGene Monterastelli is a Brooklyn based tapping practitioner. In addition to working with individual clients and groups, he regularly writes and records about how to use tapping to move from self-sabotage to productive action.
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