Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

The Hardest and Most Radical Tapping You Can Do

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photo by Abby

I was working with a client named “Jane”. Jane really knows Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping.  I said to her, “I have a radical suggestion for you. And you don’t need to do it. But it is a thought. I think you need to surrogately tap for both of them!”

Her response was a loooong pause, followed by, “OK, I’m listening. Why would I do that?”

Let me back up a little. Jane had called me because she was feeling frustrated, hurt, and stabbed in the back. It was a business situation where one person was saying bad things about her and another, who is a friend, wasn’t standing up for her and letting the smack talk spread.

Jane was feeling hurt by the person who was saying bad things about her professionally. She was feeling even more hurt by her “friend” who wasn’t standing up for her or letting her know what was being said about her.

Which led to this interaction:

Me: “I have a radical suggestion for you. And you don’t need to do it. But it is a thought. I think you need to surrogately tap for both of them!”

Jane: (pause) “OK, I’m listening. Why would I do that?”

Me: “Because it is the fastest way for you to be free from the emotions of the situation.”

Now, I want to be very clear, sometimes it DOES NOT make sense to take the fastest path. Sometime it makes much more sense for us to take our time with an issue.

There are times when it is healthier for us to heal slowly. Our systems need time for us to work into the issue. I regularly work with clients for whom it would be much too painful to dive head first into an issue. These clients need to work their way gradually into the deep emotional pain they feel.

One of the beauties of EFT/EvEFT is that it allows us to creep up on an issue.

But there are also times when we just want to be free of something, when we’re ready to go right to the core of an issue. In such cases the fastest path can be best.

I have found that when I’m angry at, frustrated by, or hurt by someone else, the fastest path to being free of my emotions is to tap for them and their issues.

This does a couple of things for me.

First, it helps me to get to the root of my emotions. If I’m trying to tap in health and well being for someone I think does NOT deserve those things, I get fully tuned into the negative feelings I have about them.

The internal dialogue will go something like this:

Me: I wonder what they are struggling with right now

Me: Who cares…I want them to get their finger caught in their zipper

Me: I hope for good things in their day

Me: They can go jump in a lake for all I care

Me: Who is being a burden to them today?

Me: No one, because they are too busy being a burden to me to notice anyone else.

Second, by surrogately tapping for them it gives us a chance to look at things from their point of view. Every action the other person takes serves some functional purpose for them.

I WANT TO BE VERY CLEAR: This isn’t to say that their actions are right!

This isn’t saying it is okay that they take the action towards us!

This is not saying they are permitted to take the same action again to us!

This is not saying that they should not take responsibility for their action!

We all must take full responsibility for our actions, but it might help us to reframe the situation.

My goal in life is simply this: To live the truth I know (which is limited, incomplete, and hopefully expanding each day) in every action and choice I make. In doing this I know things are not always going to turn out the way I want. I hope to respond to all outcomes — the ones I want and the ones I don’t — with a sense of grace and love.

Do I do this all of the time? NO!

Do I do this most of the time? Maybe, maybe not.

But that is what I shoot for. The easiest way for me to do this is to accept all people with love. When I tap surrogately for them, that’s what I am doing.

Again, this is not to condone their actions and/or choices, but it gives me the choice to be free, to stop being an emotional prisoner to their choices.

That is the only control I have, at least until I can reframe the situation to the point of recognizing other options exist.

I am not saying you HAVE TO tap for the people who frustrate, hurt, belittle, and take advantage of you.

Also, I am not saying that you need to stop being mad, frustrated, angry, or hurt.

I know from personal experience, it can be a lot of fun to be angry.

Anger, hurt, and frustration can and do serve a purpose. You can choose to emotionally live wherever you like.

What I am saying is that, based on my own experience, the fastest way to be emotionally clear of negative emotions about someone else is to tap for them.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Feel free to comment below or drop me a note.

If you are unfamiliar with surrogate tapping check out:

What more info on surrogate tapping:

Reasons That Stop Us From Trying

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Often we are ourselves the biggest obstacle to our success. We hold beliefs that prevent us from trying, that prevent us from recognizing the opportunities we have to move forward. “Brian” was in a situation where he wanted to move forward with his business. He came up with a number of brilliant ideas to move his business ahead, but when push came to shove he wouldn’t take the steps he needed to take to move forward.

When we successfully identify these beliefs, tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT) is a perfect tool for melting these beliefs away, allowing us to easily follow through on our inspiration.

Using a few advanced techniques, we had isolated the source of Brian’s resistance. He was afraid because he had accepted the belief, “I have to be perfect at everything.”

This was a really wonderful piece of information. We could easily understand why this was preventing the forward progress. The belief system looked something like this:

  • I have to be perfect at everything
  • When I am not perfect it feels horrible
    • I am not living up to what I should live up to.
    • Others are going to look down on me.
    • I am going to let myself down.
    • I am going to feel foolish when I fail.
  • Therefore, I am only going to try things I know I am going to be perfect at

This belief system served Brian well. It spared him the misery of feeling foolish by avoiding the conditions that required him to be perfect.

The flaw in the system was the first supposition.

We don't have to be perfect at everything.

There are lots of things that we don’t have to be perfect at. So we tapped:

I don’t have to be perfect at everything…there are lots of things that I need to do just well enough at…I don’t have to tie my shoes perfectly…I don’t need to make a sandwich perfectly…I don’t have to make the bed perfectly…there are lots of things in my life that all I need is to do them well enough…this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop striving…this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop striving for excellence…but I am going to keep everything in perspective…I am going to give myself permission to know that I can do some things well enough without having to do them perfectly.

This round of tapping created a greater sense of peace for Brain, but he could still feel some resistance. For some reason it was still a standard he needed to live up to. So we continued the work by going after the definition of perfect.

It is good that I am trying to be perfect…this is rooted in wanting to do my best…this is rooted in wanting to become my best self…but perfect isn’t about getting everything right…perfect is about doing the best that I can…perfect is about living in this moment…perfect is being able to be thankful for this moment…perfect is being able to recognize that in this moment I get to choose who I am…in this moment I get to learn more about myself in the world…perfect is being easy enough with myself that I can know I am going to get another chance…perfect is striving to be my better self…I am always going to be a work in progress…I am never going to do everything perfectly…but I can live this moment as perfect…by striving to be my best…this moment can be perfect because I can learn from the things I am not doing perfectly

This created more peace and relief for Brian. It also created a belief that he could move forward without having to be perfect. As we were doing the tapping described above, Brian remembered his father’s need for perfection from Brian, even when he was a young child. We then tapped to clean up the emotions in those memories.

Lessons from this session:
1) If you don’t know why the feeling is there, ASK!
Brian had no idea what beliefs were preventing him from moving forward. Once we isolated where the belief was located it was a simple matter of asking. The answer was, this kept Brian safe.

When I tune in to a physical feeling, belief, or emotion, and I don’t know why it is present, I ask three questions:

  • What are you afraid of?
  • What are you trying to protect me from?
  • What information are you trying to convey?

This won’t always give us the information we need, but it will lead us in the right direction.

2) It is there to protect us
I feel like a broken record when I repeat this over and over, but it is a point that can’t be missed. Brian’s failure to move forward protected Brian from the pain of not living up to perfection. Once we understood how Brian was being protected, we were able to transform the false belief into more useful thought patterns.

[Note: Are you looking for tools to help you get out of your own way and achieve what your really want? Check this out]

Stages Of Awareness For The Healing Process (with or without Tapping/EFT)

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In real terms, what does it actually look like when I start making changes in my life with Tapping/EFT?

Tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can make changes in our lives in very practical ways. It allows us to change the way we respond to the world around us.

EFT is often most useful for aspects of life where we feel like we have the least amount of control. These could be situations where we feel like we are a victim to circumstance or a victim of other’s choices, or where we feel much too emotional.

Often when we are working on issues like these it takes a little time to see major change because of the amount of work that we need to do. As we do EFT we begin to feel ever more in control of our emotions, and it becomes easier for us to make good choices.
After working with numerous clients, I’ve found we move through 6 basic stages from feeling out of control to easily being in control and making the choices that bring us closer to our better selves.

For example, let’s assume “Anne” is trying to deal with feelings that one of her co-workers has it in for her, undermining every choice she makes.

As Anne does work with EFT on this issue she would move through these six steps.

Stage 1 Of Healing and Transformation: Unaware

In this stage we are completely unaware of the way our thoughts affect our emotions and how our emotions affect our choices. We are simply floating along, reacting to events. We don’t feel like we have much control over what’s happening in our lives.

It might look something like this:

  • At work Anne completes a project.
  • A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”
  • Anne feels like her co-worker is attacking her.
  • She spends the rest of the day in a bad mood.
  • In the future she continues to feel resentful toward the co-worker.

Stage 2 Of Healing and Transformation: Aware Well After the Fact

In the second stage we start to understand cause and effect, but it is well after the fact and it’s only with a great deal of self-analysis. Generally in this stage someone must help us see the cause and effect.

It might look something like this:

  • At work Anne completes a project.
  • A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”
  • Anne feels like her co-worker is attacking her.
  • Anne spends the rest of the day in a bad mood.
  • After work Anne has a drink with a friend and she explains how her co-worker attacked her today.
  • Anne’s friend is able to help her see that maybe her co-worker was only trying to help her out by offering another option, not attacking her.
  • Anne realizes that she did overreact.
  • Once she sees what has happened she gets back to a happier mood.

Stage 3 Of Healing and Transformation: Aware Right After the Fact

In the third stage you see how you are reacting to a situation. You still overreact, but shortly after the fact you understand what has happened.

It might look something like this:

  • At work Anne completes a project.
  • A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”
  • Anne feels like her co-worker is attacking her.
  • After Anne gets mad for a moment she realizes her co-worker was just sharing her own experience. Anne might not agree with it, but she understands the spirit in which it was offered.

Stage 4 Of Healing and Transformation: Aware as the emotion is arising

In the fourth stage it feels like the world is starting to slow down a little. We recognize what’s happening as the emotion arises. It is as if we are becoming a third party observer of our own experience. As it happens we will think, “This is what just happened, this is how I have interpreted it, and I am now reacting like this.” We may be quick enough to stop the emotional reaction.

It might look something like this:

  • At work Anne completes a project.
  • A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”
  • Anne feels like her co-worker is attacking her very briefly, but she realizes almost instantly that she’s about to overreact. She hears her co-worker clearly.

Stage 5 Of Healing and Transformation: Aware of the thought which leads to the emotion.

In the fifth stage it feels like the world has slowed down even more. In this stage we recognize the thought before the emotion. Once we recognize the thought, we can see how the thought is flawed. Recognizing that the thought is flawed, we are able to stop the unwanted emotion before it has the chance to arise.

It might look something like this:

  • At work Anne completes a project.
  • A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”
  • Anne realizes three weeks ago if her co-worker had said this she would have felt like she was under attack.

Stage 6 Of Healing and Transformation: No thought

Once you get to stage six, once again you don’t notice anything happening, just as you didn’t notice in stage one. But stage six is very different because the thought and emotional response occurring in stage one simply don’t occur. In stage one you don’t notice anything because you are unaware. In stage six you notice nothing because there is nothing to notice. You no longer feel like you are being attacked in any way, therefore there is nothing to react to.

It might look something like this:

  • At work Anne completes a project.
  • A co-worker comments, “I would have done it like this…”
  • She thinks about their feedback.
  • She might use it. She might not.
  • Anne thanks him for his feedback and moves on with her day.

THE MATRIX
I think a great illustration of this is in the movie The Matrix. For those who didn’t see the movie here is a quick recap of the critical points:

Neo, the main character played by Keanu Reeves, is minding his own business living on the fringe, a very brilliant computer hacker. Through a series of events he is introduced to the idea that the world he perceives is not a real physical world. Instead what he is experiencing is a very realistic-feeling virtual reality experience. It’s nothing more than a giant computer program that is giving him information. He is not simply watching a movie in his mind, but is actively interacting with the program. The program responds to his thought as actions.

Others who understand they are living in a virtual world persuade Neo to help bring down the system. As Neo learns more and more about the virtual reality system his mind is caught in he also learns that he can control more than just his actions, he can also control other elements of the system as well because it’s nothing more than information.

The most famous scene from the movie comes after Neo begins to assert control over elements in the system. One of three bad guys who had been sent to stop Neo fires a handgun at him. With his newly-gained control of the system Neo is able to slow the world enough to dodge the bullets.

At the beginning of the movie Neo is completely unaware of what is going on. Once he chooses to see that there is more at play than he had previously thought and that he might be able have some control, the world changed. At first he understands very little; he’s more overwhelmed than before because he has little control. Because he is unable to process all he’s been taught about the system, he feels like he has less control over his life than he had without this extra knowledge.

But as time passes he gains more knowledge and experience. He starts to understand how the world works and the things he can control. He sees more clearly what is illusion and what is real. As he does this he is able to see the world around him slowing down.

The scene where Neo is dodging bullets is the first time in the movie where he demonstrates a great level of control. This is very similar to stage 4 describe above. He sees the trouble coming but is able to slow it down enough that he’s not hit. In stage 4 we see the emotions arising from the thought, but since we are aware, we stop it from affecting us.

To extend this analogy even more:

  • Stage 1
    • Analogy: We are shot but don’t realize it. We let the wound fester, making us miserable.
    • Real World: We feel we have no control over the world and no control over how we feel. Things happen and we suffer.
  • Stage 2
    • Analogy: The bullet hits us, but we don’t realize it right away. It is only after we realize we have been hit that we seek medical attention.
    • Real World: Something happens, making us feel like we are a victim of circumstances. We just suffer emotionally until we understand what has happened. At this point we stop suffering.
  • Stage 3
    • Analogy: We are hit, but realize it right away. We seek immediate attention.
    • Real World: We react over-emotionally to something, but right away we realize why we are overreacting and are able to find our way back to peace.
  • Stage 4 (As stated above)
    • Analogy: We see the bullet coming and get out of the way.
    • Real World: As something is happening around us our emotions start to rise, but we recognize this right away and are able to deal with it quickly.
  • Stage 5
    • Analogy: We recognize the gunman but get out before a shot can be fired.
    • Real World: We see what’s happening and recognize how it might normally get an emotional charge out of us, but we remain in a state of peace.
  • Stage 6
    • Analogy: The gunman never shows up.
    • Real World: Situations that would have brought emotional charges in the past no longer mean anything to us, so we don’t even notice the situations occurring.

Depending on the severity of the issue, we are going to move through these 6 stages at different rates. In some cases we’ll pass from stage one to stage six in just one round of tapping. In others, where issues have built up over years, like self-esteem issues, it will usually take much more time to move through these six stages.

The primary reason it’s important to understand these stages is that this helps us to understand how we are healing. A number of my clients have been frustrated that after doing so much work, they still haven’t gotten better. They feel they haven’t gotten any better because they still have the same emotional responses. What they don’t always realize is that they now recognize why they are overreacting, and they regain emotional stability much faster. Understanding these stages of healing enables us to see that we are healing.

What is interesting about these stages is we can pass through them at different rates for different issues and different parts of our lives. We can be moving from stage to stage in one part of our life (how we interpret what others say as judgment on us) while in another part of our life we are stuck in stage one, completely unaware of what is going on (why being around people in bad moods rubs off on us and brings us down).

Remember, the healing process is just that, a process. Some issues are going to take more time to heal than others. When we understand the process of this healing, we will identify this healing as it is happening, which will encourage us to continue working towards our goal.

Not using “Even thought I…” and the KC point

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I have read a number of your articles. I love the fact that you often give tapping phrases to go along with the info, but you don’t give them in a way that I am used to seeing tapping phrases. Why don’t you use the phrase “even though I…” while tapping on the KC point and why don’t you list tapping points with the tapping phrases?


photo by anna vignet

It is important to remember the technique is called tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). Most people miss the “s” on the end of the word techniques. This is because when Gary envisioned EFT he did it as a very fluid technique. He knew that it was going to grow and change over time. I am convinced that this openness to change and growth has only strengthened EFT.

If you watch the first few volumes of the EFT DVDs you see the very quick evolution of the “short cut” basic recipe as many practitioners of EFT moved away from using the points on the hand and the 9-gamut procedure.

There is no particular wrong or right way to do EFT. There are only ways that are more or less effective for you.

To that end, when I write articles, I write them from the point of view of how I do EFT with my clients and how I do EFT on myself. When I am doing EFT I don’t use the basic recipe.

Do this mean you think the basic recipe is wrong/bad?
Not at all! I think there are a number of redeeming qualities to using the basic recipe, but I believe that it has its limitations as well.

Here is how I assess the good and the bad of the basic recipe:

Good: It is easy.
It’s easy to learn. It’s easy to remember. It’s easy to teach. You can find countless tools on-line in which you can learn the basic recipe in just one page. I still teach the basic recipe in my EFT workshops.

Bad: It can give you the misconception that the words you use matter.
Every few days I get an e-mail from someone who has made his/her way to this web site and asks, “What are the right words to use when working on [insert issue]“. The words themselves aren’t important. (I feel like I write this every week, but it is the most common question I’m asked.) Our focus is the most important factor. The fill-in-the-blank approach of the “basic recipe” can lead one to believe it’s the words that provide the healing, causing some people to get stuck coming up with the “right” words.

Good: It is very simple.
Because it is so simple anyone can do it. I have been able to teach people how to use EFT effectively with the basic recipe in under five minutes. There is one person to whom I have given less than 10 minutes of instructions. He has never read anything I or anyone else has written about EFT, and he successfully uses it everyday. He uses EFT so much I received a complaint from his wife that “he was going to bruise himself” he was tapping so much.

Bad: It can be overly simple.
Because the basic recipe is so simple people mistakenly believe that coming up with a simple phrase and tapping will take care of everything. I truly believe you can do work on any issue under the sun with the basic recipe, but EFT only works (basic recipe or otherwise) when we focus in specifically enough. Often when the basic recipe is taught most of the emphasis is placed on the tapping points and not on how to tune into a problem.

You can tap until the cows come home, but if you aren’t tuned into a specific enough issue, progress will be slow. It’s easy to believe that tapping on “this frustration” while using the basic recipe is going to take care of it. Sometimes this can be enough, but often it is not.

If you don't use the “basic recipe”, how would describe your style?
I use a very fluid style in both my tapping and the phrases I use.

Gary himself admits that the basic recipe is tapping in a random fashion. The basic recipe only looks organized because it is arranged in a straight line on the body. In reality, each of the tapping points is associated with a different meridian. The basic recipe is taught in that way because it is easiest, not because it is the best order to tap. Theoretically you can tap in any order and produce the same result.

If we look at the history of EFT we know it is a descendant of Thought Field Therapy (TFT). It is believed that there is a very specific tapping order to achieve the best results. EFT was developed because the process of coming up with an order for each person or emotion was so cumbersome.

Knowing all of this has led me to a very specific style of tapping. Since tapping in a random fashion is effective and finding the “right” tapping order is more effective, why not (in a playful way) try and find that “better” tapping order.

To this end I trust my body to tell me where the next point to tap is. I give my right hand permission to tap wherever it feels it needs to tap next. By doing this I am tapping in an effective random order, but I also might be led by my body to the place that really does need to be tapped next to make the quickest progress. I’m not losing anything by moving away from the linear tapping of the basic recipe, but I have the real possibility of a more effective type of tapping.

I will admit at first this seemed very awkward, not knowing where to tap next, but the more I did it and the more I trusted myself the easier it became. When I tap now I get the sensation of a little light glowing on the part of the body I need to tap next. Is this really the place that
I need to tap next because it is most efficient? I have no idea. Logic dictates that there is nothing lost from trying it, but there is the possibility of gaining something.

Since this is my tapping style, I never name the place you are supposed to tap while using the phrases I provide. The place you need to tap might be different from the place that I need to tap.

I would encourage you to give this sort of tapping a try. Just trust yourself and your body. As you tap, see where you think you need to tap next, knowing that there is no wrong place to tap next. The more you do it, the more confidence you will have about where to tap next.

Why don't you use the KC point?
As stated before, the history of EFT shows the basic protocol getting shorter with the emphasis being less on the mechanical tapping and where you tap and more on the creative ways to tune into problems.

In the same way that many EFT practitioners have found eliminating the tapping points on the fingers and the 9 gamut procedure cause little decrease in EFT’s success rate, I have found tapping on the KC point while using the “even though I…” phrases to be effective in a small percentage of clients.

When I received my initial EFT training I was told that physiological reversal (PR) is only present about 10% of the time and that tapping on the KC point (or rubbing the sore spot) is used to clear PR.

I decided that since it appears to be needed only 10% of the time that we could skip it until it’s proven that we need it. If we do a round of tapping and no progress is made, I add it. Less than 10% of the clients I work with have needed to use the KC point.

This is what works best for me.
I have found EFT is very much about personal style. If you feel comfortable and confident about what you are doing, you are more likely to do EFT more regularly. My way is not the only way or the best way. The basic recipe was created to give an easy entry point for the masses. If it works for you, great! You can take the phrases I provide and incorporate them in to your work. If you know EFT works best for you by adding “Even though I…” phrases while tapping on the KC point, then DO IT!

EFT is all about making changes for the better in our lives. Do what makes sense for you. Heal what needs to be healed in the way that makes the most sense for you.

My main messages is to be easy with yourself as you do EFT. There is no right way to do things. I know in the last two years the way I do EFT has changed radically as I have learned more about the tool set and learned more about myself.

Be playful about it. It only takes 45 seconds to try something. You can try tapping in a different order or come up with phrases in a new way. If it works, great, you have a new tool. If it doesn’t work, then you have only lost 45 seconds of your life.

One of my current favorite quotes is from Tallulah Bankhead: “If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.” In reality when it comes to EFT there aren’t any mistakes, only learning opportunities.

The more you experiment, the more you will expand your tool set. If it doesn’t work out you can always go back to what you know works.

Let Me Know How You Do It?
I love hearing how other people are doing new and unique things with tapping. Let me know how you do things in the comments below.

When You Can’t Feel Any Emotion AND When Loved Ones Give Us Limiting Beliefs

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photo by Steven Depolo

I am looking for help with emotions. I have seen and looked at a couple of specific emotions (anger, depression, etc.), but my problem is that mine are completely blocked off…I feel NONE. The root cause is from my father telling me as a child that men do not display emotions (cry or laugh were his actual words) and any time I gave any type of an emotional display I was punished…what I am looking for is some help clearing this block. What can I do?

This is a very common problem. Many people have been taught that emotions are bad or a sign of weakness. There are a few ways you can deal with this type of problem.

1) Start With The Emotions That You Feel About Not Feeling Emotions
When we seek to feel emotions and notice something is lacking then there must be an emotional charge of some sort. The feeling of not feeling emotions or not being allowed can create anger, disappointment, feeling like a failure, or frustration. This is a great place to start because you are feeling something here. By clearing some of the charge you feel about the situation you are going to open yourself to being able to deal with the situation itself. Tapping for this might look like:

Right now I feel very frustrated that I can't feel emotions like everyone else…I know that emotions can be overwhelming…but emotions are also a great way for our system to give us information about ourselves and the world…the fact that I feel frustrated about not feeling emotions is a good thing…this frustration is rooted in the fact that I would like to experience more in the world…even though I can't do that right now…the fact that there is a part of me that wants to do this and is willing to feel frustrated is a good thing…the frustration has done its job…I now see that I want to feel emotion and the frustration has done it's job in pointing out what I would like to see different about myself and my experience…

Tapping in this fashion should take the edge off the situation and will help you to see things more clearly.

2) Point/Counter Point
Often times we know rationally the truth about a situation even if our emotional self doesn't. In this case the rational self knows that it is okay (and even healthy) to feel emotions while the emotional self feels that it is unsafe. When this happens I find it very useful to tap on what both parts believe. To do this all you need to do is first make a list of all the emotional beliefs you have about the situation.

  • Emotions are a sign of weakness.
  • Only girls feels emotions
  • Real men don't cry
  • People will think less of me if I show emotion

After you come up with this list create a list of counter points that you rationally know to be true.

  • Emotions are just a way the system communicates a truth that we understand.
  • Everyone should feel emotions.
  • It is ok for anyone, even men, to laugh or cry
  • Some people are going to respect me because I feel emotions, because they see I can feel deeply and understand them.

When doing this strive to come up with three or four counter points for each of the items on the first list. Once you have the two lists you can use them for tapping phrases. “Even though a part of my system believes that emotions are a sign of weakness I want my whole system and whole self to know that emotions are just a way the system communicates a truth about how I see the world in this moment.”

Work your way through the list a number of times.

3) When A Loved One Gives Us A Belief
There are many beliefs we have about the world that have been given to us by loved ones. Some of them are given to us in very direct ways in the words they use (like when a parent tells us “Real men don't show emotion.”) Other times we get these beliefs in subtle ways (like when someone we love is afraid of bees, therefore we become afraid of bees).

When we take on beliefs about the world from loved ones there is a part of us that can feel like it is turning its back on our loved one when we give up the belief they have given us. In other words, by rejecting the belief we are rejecting them. This can be so powerful that we will cling to destructive beliefs to keep ourselves in the good graces of a loved one. This can be true even after they are dead.

When this happens we can tap on something like this:

My father told me that real men don't show emotions…that I would be seen as weak…that I would be seen as a fool…I now know that this is not true…that my emotions are healthy and are a good thing to feel…there is a part of me that is worried that if I let go of the things that my father believes that I am also letting go of my father…it might feel like I am turning my back on my father…it might feel like I am saying my father is wrong…my father grew up in a different time…people saw the world in a different way…they didn't understand emotions the way we understand them today…my father was not perfect…like I am not perfect…it would be wonderful if my father only passed along true lessons to me…but that is not the case…it is possible for me to learn new things and not reject my father and my past…it is possible for me to change and not reject my father…my father did the job he did as a father…it was far from perfect…but that is what it is…now I can move forward…I can transform…and still respect my past…I don't have to hold onto all things old to appreciate where I came from…I give myself permission to move forward…I give myself permission to grow…and I know that I am not letting others in my past down…even as I grow past the lessons they have given me…I don't have to let them go.

If you take these three steps you will be well on your way to opening yourself up to feeling emotions.

Pod #59: Fear of Public Speaking w/ Janet Hilts

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“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” Jerry Seinfeld

Fear of public speaking can affect not only large moments when we speak in front of a group of people, but also in the small moments like asking for help at a store. This is how I originally found my way to tapping. I could speak in front of 8,000 people but couldn't ask for help in a store. In this interview I talk with Janet Hilts about how we can use Tapping/EFT for many different aspects of public speaking. We explore how sometimes the issue isn't the speaking itself but aspects around it, and discuss a simple approach that you can use to start tapping for your public speaking fears right away.


Janet Hilts

Guest: Janet Hilts

Contact Janet: website @ JanetHilts.com; web @ SpeakingMadeFearless.com; twitter @JanetHilts; Radio @ Moving Forward With EFT

Janet's Bio: Using performance coaching and EFT, Janet Hilts works with creatives and professionals to remove personal blocks to success. She creates the freedom and support to help her clients move forward to do what they really want to do.

10 Simple Steps To Tap On Any Emotion

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I deal with anger all of the time and because I experience it so much I don't know where to start. Where can I begin?

Here is a great tool when you don't know where or how to start with any emotion. This is also an excellent tool to use when you are teaching someone to tap when they are on their own because it also creates tapping phrases. For this reason I have found it best to use this like a worksheet and write out each of the steps.

1) Name The Emotion
This is easy thing to do. If you are dealing with a particular emotion, as in the question, then use that. I would also encourage you to look through the list of negative emotions created by the Center For Non-Violent Communication as a starting point. Even when we are starting with something as general as an emotion, the more specific we are, the easier progress will be.

2) Name A Specific Instance
In as much detail as you can come up with, describe one specific occasion when you felt this emotion. Talk about who was there, what was said, what you were thinking at the time, what you are thinking now as you remember it, and all the outcomes of the situation. Imagine you are sitting across from me in a coffee shop and telling me what happened as if I know none of the details.

3) Rate The Emotion On The SUDs Scale
On a scale of 0 to 10 rate how large the emotion feels right now.

4) Describe The Physical Sensations
In as much detail as possible describe the physical sensation(s) that go along with the emotion. In which part (or parts) of the body do you feel it? Is it hot, tight, heavy, itchy, stiff, trembling, clenching, or some other feeling? Do you feel it in more than one part of your body? Describe each part separately. Is there some sort of mental dialogue going on as you feel the emotion? What is the internal voice saying? Who does the voice sound like? Who does it remind you of?

5) List 3 Things That Went Wrong
Because of the instance you describe above what are (at least) three things that went wrong and how were/are you impacted by these outcomes? Sometimes one moment can impact later events and moments. Don't just think of what went wrong in the moment, but also how it affected later moments. Again, the more detail the better.

6) List 3 Outcomes You Would Like To Have Happen Instead
After something goes wrong there are ways we would like to see it turn out better. What are (at least) three hopes you have for how this could turn out better in the future? Is there a relationship you would like to see mended? Is there something you would like someone to do? Is there a lesson you would like to learn? It is helpful to name how we would like things to turn out.

7) Re-rate On The SUDS Scale
After doing these steps I always like to re-rate the level of emotion. One of three outcomes are possible. First, the number could go up. This is because you have now spent time thinking about the issue in detail. Often this tunes us into the issue more sharply so that we notice it more, making it feel bigger.

Second, you might notice that the number goes down. Many times simply getting something out of your head will be enough to diminish its intensity. Our minds can be relentless echo chambers, taking negative thoughts or emotions and bouncing them around over and over again. When we drag them into the light of day they lose their power.

Finally, there might be no change at all. This simply means that the emotion will need more tapping to get it moving.

8) Start To Tap
Go back to the top of your page and start reading what you have written out loud as you tap. At the end of each sentence move to the next tapping point. This is not a race. There is no reason to rush. As you read what you have written out loud really pay attention to words you are saying. If you are describing what happened then try to relive what you are saying. If you are describing how you would like to see thing turns out in the future really tune into the emotion of having the new and better outcome.

9) While You Are Tapping Take Notes
As you reread what you have written before it is possible that additional details will come into focus. You may also notice new and even better outcomes around this issue for the future. If these things come to mind it is a good idea to take the time to write them down. Not only will you learn valuable things about this specific issue, but you will also learn things about yourself and the larger scope of this particular emotion.

10) Re-Rate One More Time
After you have been through reading what you have written and have tapped along, re-rate the issue to see where it is now. If you are down to a zero you are done, if you are not then you have the opportunity to move back to the top of page and tap again.

Pod #58: Tapping For Your Sex Life w/ Gina Parris

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In Pod #11: Tapping for Romantic Relationships I talked with Gina Parris about how we can tap to improve our romantic relationships. In this interview we take the next step and talk about how we can use tapping to improve our sexual relationship to reflect the emotional intimacy we share with our partners. It can put a real strain on a relationship when we don't feel truly connected to our partner and often we don't know how to talk about it, or even where to start. In this interview Gina shares practical tips for using tapping to rekindle the passion and fire in relationships.


Gina Parris

Guest: Gina Parris

Contact:
web @ GinaParris.com
web @ WinningAtRomance.com

About Gina: Gina Parris is an internationally sought-after peak performance speaker and coach who has spent twenty years helping people overcome their obstacles to reach their full potential – joyfully. Her clients range from professional athletes to solo-preneurs. She is passionate about helping people balance all the areas of their lives so that their relationships thrive amid great personal and professional growth.

Breathing Life Into Anger

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Lately I have been having a lot of trouble with anger. I am able to do some tapping for it, but it isn't giving me total relief and it is coming back again and again. Do you have any thoughts on how I can tap for this?


photo by Darren Hester

Anger is a powerful and wonderful emotion. It exists to keep us safe. It is the power that allows us to fight back when we are being attacked. It sharpens our focus and it gives us strength.

But it is also a very primitive emotion. It is not always very discerning. It can take the smallest slight and perceive it as an attack. When it does this it raises its ugly head. Because it is such a powerful emotion it is important to clean it out at the roots.

One of my favorite techniques for working with anger is to give it the time, space, and power to yell it self out. Anger doesn't persist when it doesn't have something pushing back on it.

[Note: It is important to note that you should only try this technique in a space that is safe where you are not going to let the anger get the best of you.]

We begin by tapping. I have my client then move from tapping point to tapping point throughout the whole process.

Next, I have my clients tune in to the anger. I do this my having them notice how it feels in the body. Is it fists that want to punch, fire in the veins, a voice that wants to scream, or a series of thoughts running through their mind?

After they have described to me what the anger feels like I have them breathe life and energy into the anger. I have then take a number of deep breathes. As the oxygen enters the body I instruct them to feel it powering the anger.

Once the anger has grown into its full power I ask them to just let the anger scream it self out. I give them the option to do this in their head or to do it out loud. If there is someone they are angry at I encourage them to have the anger yell anything and everything it needs to say.

After I have them do this for a while and they feel like they are done I have them do it some more. And then I have them do it some more. And then I have them do it some more until the anger has just shouted itself out.

It is amazing how quickly anger can lose its power when it doesn't have something fighting against it or trying to hold it back. By doing this while tapping it just makes the whole process happen faster.

After you have done this to the point of boredom it is good to check in to see what new emotions are at the front of the mind. Many times the anger is not the root issue, but once the anger has gotten itself out of the way it now creates space for us to work on the root cause.

Once the deep root is revealed it is going to make it much more likely for the anger to not come back because instead of just dealing with the symptom of anger, you are able to get to what is much deeper.

Bonus Pod #20: The Round-Up

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photo by padams

Back in the fall I asked 10 practitioners that I admire and respect to answer 5 questions about the healing process, the healing journey, and their work with clients.

The questions I asked them were:

  • What lessons have you learned about healing from a client?
  • What is something you have changed your mind about when it comes to healing, working with clients, or your own transformation process?
  • If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?
  • What is one thing you wish your clients believed about themselves?
  • What is one thing you wish your clients believed about healing process?

You can check out their answers in the Round Up Archive

Let me know your answers in the comment section below.

Pod #57: Tools v Delivery, Clearing Resistance, Finding Roots Cause, and Worry v Fear

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This is a slightly different type of podcast. Instead of a straightforward teaching or an interview it is much more a conversation. The topic of the conversation with my friend Jondi Whitis where we talk about using tapping protocols and how we find our ways to core issues.

  • Techniques/Tools v Art of Delivery
  • Simple v Complex
  • Stories about how we chance and how that effects how we chance
  • How we find our ways the right tapping phrases
  • Resistance and the absence of resistance
  • The eraser in my pocket
  • How do we find the core issues better
  • How to get clients to find more information about the issues
  • The power of shutting up and listening (aka the comfortable silence)
  • Choosing the issue to start with
  • Worry v Fear
  • How to talk about issues (esp. with kids)

Pod #56: Ritual, Daily Routine, And Find Peace w/ Jesse Jacobs

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Today's podcast is an interview with Jesse Jacobs and is little different. I first heard Jesse interviewed by Dan Benjamin on the business show “The Pipeline“. Dan was interviewing Jesse about the tea house that he runs in San Francisco. What caught my attention was the last five minutes of the interview in which he started to talk about his use of the power of ritual in creating work that he loves and a life that nourishes him.

In this interview we spend a little time talking about how he moved from being a techie to creating a space where people could relax, be at peace, and make real connections with others. The bulk of the interview is spent talking about this idea of ritual, its power, how it can ground us, and how we can add daily ritual to our lives.

I find this interview helpful in two ways. First, it opened my eyes to the power of being in the moment (especially when it comes to all the senses). Second, we look at how we can create a daily ritual (like tapping) to create grounding for our day.

 

Jesse Jacobs

Guest: Jesse Jacobs

Contact: web @ Samovar tea houses; web @ Jesse's blog Real Ritual; twitter @realritua

About Jesse: Jesse Jacobs is the founder Samovar Tea Lounge. The goal of Samovar is to be the “antidote to the frenzied world”. In addition to running Samovar Jesse writes the blog Real Ritual that focuses on being grounded in the moment in the different aspects of our lives.

Jesse lists the “Tenets of the Real Ritual Life” as Love Yourself, Go Slow, Drink Tea, Be Art, Embrace Change, Just Focus and Breathe.

When Caregivers Are Careworn

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[Note from Gene: It is very easy for those of use take care of other to choose to not take care of our selves. In this article Jondi Whitis offers some insight in how we can approach taking care of ourselves as we care for others.]


photo by Rob Ireton

All of us are caregivers at one time or another, and as energy practitioners, we're certainly caregivers, but what happens to those among us who choose this as a full-time vocation? Or those among us suddenly thrust into this role as a long-term situation?

Caregiving is challenging and spiritual work, in my book. It's intensity and duration make it particularly grueling in some cases, and it's critically important to get your batteries “put in correctly”, as Gary Craig would say, as well as to keep those batteries charged!

I don't know about you, but I am clear about this part of my capabilities. I see it like I see an athlete's:

I am a Sprinter. Not a Marathoner. I have gifts and passion for the instant bolt and the intense, deep, bursts of effort that a Sprinter would use to run and win the dash. But the skillset that a Marathoner owns feels daunting to me. The very long, drawn-out, frequently intense, day-to-day efforts that a full-time caregiver faces make these people heroic in my eyes.

Do you know some of each type? Good. Recognizing our strengths, and those of others, allows us to connect with one another, making each party stronger still. It sets up a natural teaching environment whereby we learn from one another, and celebrate each new skill on this journey we travel together. Supporting one another in this way not only keeps our tools sharp, but our hearts open, our egos in check, and eyes wide open to the mystery and wonder of healing, within us and all around us.

Why not give yourself a little gift today? Give yourself the gift of insight.

First, look at yourself with a loving eye and ask: which kind of runner ARE you? (And let that be marvelous, no matter what the answer.)

Second, truly see another you admire and give thanks for their gifts. Contact them, tell them what you admire about them, then share an insight or observation that's worked really well for you. Open yourself, your ears and heart to receive their insights, in return.

Third, linked by your Intentions to help and heal others as well as yourselves, tap a little for yourself.

Note: Enter into this tapping session with gladness, that you can give of yourself to some who gives wholly of themselves each day to another. Set your Intention together to restore, strengthen and find new springs or energy, resourcefulness, peacefulness and compassion within.

KC: Even though I am weary and I there is no end to this in sight, I want to accept myself.
KC: Even though I am so tired, and don't know if I can continue this way, I really do want to accept myself, and I'm doing the best that I can.
KC: Even though I don't know how much more of this I can take, I accept that this is how I really feel, and some days that has to be enough. I want to accept myself even on days like this.
TH: I'm exhausted.
EB: Really exhausted.
SE: It never lets up. It's overwhelming.
UE: What if it never lets up? It's never-ending.
UN: I'm so tired, so….I don't know how to keep going when I feel this way.
CH: What if I can't? Then what?
CB: It's terrifying to think I can't go on, but it's also terrifying to think what if I CAN? Just because I CAN, does that mean I have to? And for how long?
UA: Is there any good end to this?
UN: I can't think of one right now. I'm not feeling very resourceful. Just alone. Just exhausted.
WR: Too tired! Can't think, can only do – and barely that! Alone and exhausted.
KC: Too tired, too exhausted, hard to keep this up. Don't even know if I want to!

KC: Even though I find it hard to keep going; is there any good end to this? I do accept myself. Most of the time, anyway.
KC: Even though I am worried; what if I can't continue on this way? What if I have to? I really do want to accept myself, and this is the best I can do right now. I'm pretty sure that's the truth.
KC: Even though I feel that if I ask for help or tell anyone how I'm feeling they'll think I'm a bad person, I accept this is how I really feel. Don't I get to feel like being helped, too? I accept myself and this feeling.
TH: I don't know if I can go on this way, so tired and feeling guilty.
EB: Exhausted and guilty. Really? Hmm, maybe not guilty, maybe just….alone and unhappy.
SE: This tiredness that makes my brain hurt, that makes me feel burnt-out. And why'd I ever think I'd be good at this? Did I really have a choice? It's hard to tell anymore.
UE: What about ME? Did I just say that?! What if that is actually okay?
UN: Maybe it's not my fault.
CH: Maybe it's not their fault, either. Maybe it's no one's fault. I'm just exhausted, that's all.
CB: Maybe I could just use a little break. Maybe I could use a little ‘care', too.
UA: Is it possible I could get help, too? That it's okay to ask? Who would I ask, anyway?
UN: I can't ask for that – I'M the caregiver – I'M the one who…..the one who what?
WR: Maybe I could ask. Maybe someone would help. I don't know. I'm willing to consider it, anyway.
KC: Even caregivers need care, I guess. How would that feel? Could I let that feel good?

KC: Even though I find it hard to ask for help, I accept myself. I really do.
KC: Even though I'm supposed to be the caregiver, maybe I need care, too. And I really do want to feel better, like my old self. Maybe this is the best I can do right now, though. Maybe I really do accept me.
KC: Even if I ask for help or tell anyone how I'm feeling and they won't listen, could that be okay just to try it? I accept that I feel nervous about saying this out loud, about asking for help.
TH: Maybe I'm not a bad person, to ask for help. Maybe it doesn't make me weak or look bad to ask for help.
EB: Maybe I could reach out. Maybe no one actually knows what a toll this is taking on me.
SE: What if they reject me? What if they say, “No.” Is there anyone else I could talk to?
UE: Maybe I need to say it to someone new. Maybe there's help out there for me I didn't know about.
UN: I don't know what I'm doing anymore, but I'm willing to admit I need some help here.
CH: I don't even know where to begin. I'm nervous about asking for help and being rejected.
CB: I'm nervous either way. What if they say “Okay.” What if they don't?
UA: Either way, I might feel better, just saying it out loud.
UN: Maybe I could say it out loud and feel better.
WR: I really do want to feel better. I already do feel a little better. Hmmm.
KC: Maybe I will reach out. Who knows what could happen? Maybe something good. What's the worst that could happen? I've heard the word “No” before. I can take it. But what if it's a “Yes.” What if I could have help? What if I could get a break, and feel better?

You can reach Jondi at EFTbrooklyn.com, or hear her interviews with EFT experts on EFT Radio On-Line on BlogTalkRadio; she specializes in helping others help themselves with the loving power of EFT, humor, warmth and forgiveness.

11 Best of the Last 6 Months

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photo by vectorportal

These are necessarily the best articles on the site, but these are some of my favorites. To make it easier to navigate I have chosen one entry from 11 different categories. Please add a comment to the bellow on what some of your favorites have been.

Information
From time to time I get an e-mail or a comment that says, “You are just money grubbing hack. How dare you charge to share healing information. It is good that we are all on the same page. Here is the most recent explanation of Why Tapping/EFT Q and A Was Created.

Podcast
There have been so many great pods it was hard to choose. Tapping for Trauma w/ Gwyneth Moss transformed the way I understood the ways we are wounded which directly impacts the way we heal.

Bonus Podcast
Bonus pods are quick records that have great infor, but don't need a full show. In Something That Needs A Cool Name, But Doesn’t Have One I share a great little tool you can use everyday. The pod is only 4min long.

(subscribe to the the podcast feed in iTunes or check out the complete podcast archive)

Post I am Most Proud Of
I spent much or 2010 working on A Healing Manifesto – Recovering Self I think it is one of the best things I have written to date. I think this information is so important I am considering making it required reading for new clients. There is both English and Spanish versions of the ebook and an English version of the audio book.

Words
This is personally one of my favorite types of articles. I love language. I love words. I love the way the words we use shape the way we heal (or don't heal). “…and I choose this for my reality!” I look at how the way we describe ourselves can stop our healing process dead in its tracks.

I would encourage you to check out the full words series.

Sessions
One of the reasons I love working with clients is because I learn so much. From time to time I share some of the lessons I have learned from working with clients. In 12 Lessons From Tapping With A Total Stranger On A Flight I share the story of what I learned from tapping with a stranger on a flight.

Question and Answer
The heart of this site is still answers peoples questions. The Q & A that received the most feedback was People Who Suck Us Emotionally Dry – AKA Emotional Vampires. You know who your emotional vampires are. Here is how you can care for yourself.

Big Picture Information
There are the detailed articles (how to tap for cravings) and then there are big picture ideas. I love the big picture stuff. It helps me to move from one issue to the next. One of the hardest concepts to get in tapping is Psychological Reversal. Here is my take on it.

Opinion
Sometimes I write about what I think, not just what I know. How One Minute Miracles Can Be Bad For The Tapping Community covers what I think is a very important idea to keep in mind.

TapAlong Audio
As you know I have been adding TapAlong Audios every week to the site. In “The crap I know is better than the crap I don’t know” you can tap on one of the main reasons we resist change.

Practitioner
I love helping other practitioners build and grow their practices. In the three part Content Creation Series I explain my process for creating free resources (like this) and products that I sell.

Guest Article
From time to timoe I feature an article from a practitioner I admore. In Round Up I was able to get great info from 10 awesome practitioners on the healing process.

Dealing With Procrastination When You Can’t Name The Drawback For Doing It?

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photo by Doug Waldron

I have read a lot of articles on tapping/EFT and procrastination. Almost every article talks about the first thing you should do is to name what could go wrong or what is the penalty for taking the action. I can see that if you cleared the emotional charge around these pitfalls how it could help you to move forward. The problem I have is I have no idea why I don't want to do these tasks. I know they are important. I know they are needed. I know they will improve my life. I can't figure out why, even on a subconscious level, why I think these are bad steps for me to take. How else can I use tapping to get through this procrastination?

I have heard from my clients and I have seen in my own life the biggest reason that we don't have the success we want is our own procrastination.

The question above states it correctly: The fastest way to get past procrastination is to find what could go wrong or what penalty is associated with the action, but sometimes this is not possible. When you find yourself procrastinating but you can't figure out why you are procrastinating, here are four things you can do to help get past the procrastination.

[Looking for a more comprehensive way of getting past what is keeping you stuck? Check out: 10 Steps To Getting Out Of Your Own Way]

Break The Task Into Steps
One of the reasons that we don't start a project is because we aren't clear on exactly what we need to do. Because we are unclear about this on a subconscious level it can feel unwieldy, overwhelming, or just plain confusing.

Merlin Mann recently said something really interesting on the Back To Work Podcast. He said (to paraphrase), that if something takes more than one step it is not a task, it is a project. The example he gave was putting up the Christmas tree. It feels like one small task, but you have to get the tree out of storage, clear the space the tree is going to go into, and put the stuff that was in that space somewhere else. AND, we haven't even considered decorating the tree yet!

Suddenly, the one line on the to-do list “put up the Christmas tree” is a much bigger task. Subconsciously, we know there is more to it, but since we are unclear what the steps are, it just feels bigger. Bigger means it is going to be harder than we thought. It is easier to just avoid bigger.

If you have a task, no matter how small, that you can't seem to get yourself to do, come up with a detailed list of the steps. This will make the project much more manageable. You will recognize that it can be done quickly or you will realize that you don't have to do it all right now, but there is some of it you can do now.

Tapping would look something like this:

I have this task that I just don't want to do…I know that if I break this task up into smaller pieces that I am going to be able to see that it is not that big of a deal…right now part of me knows that it is just bigger than the one task I am saying it is…even if I don't know exactly what all the steps are…by taking a few minutes to think about this task in steps I am going to be able to get it done…I know I can figure out the steps

[take a few moments to come up with a list of steps and then continue tapping]

I can now see that this task isn't as complicated as my subconscious thought…I now have a plan of what needs to be done…even if I can't do all of these steps right now…I know what the next step is…each of these steps are manageable…and if one of the steps isn't manageable and I procrastinate away from it…I can repeat this process…and break those steps down into smaller steps…this is possible…I can do this

Think Of Something You Failed At
Many times we have a hard time doing a task because there is part of us that feels like we have failed before and we are going to fail again. This can be hard to pinpoint because we might have failed at a relationship in the past and now we are trying to clean our house. I know that seems like a very extreme leap, but I have seen such wild connections with my clients.

When this happens it is very difficult for us to make the connection between these two extremes, therefore making it hard to tap on the original failure. When this happens it is possible for us to tap on failing in the past without having to know the exact manner in which it might be tied to this moment.

To do this start by thinking of something small that you failed at recently. It could be a meal that you burned, someone you forgot to pick up, or something you didn't complete on time. Tune-in to as many of the details as possible. Pay attention to how you feel now about the situation. Tap on something like this:

I have made mistakes in the past…I hate when I make mistakes…I look silly…I look foolish…I look like I can't do anything…but I have made many mistakes in the past that haven't been the end of the world…Even when it feels like it is the end of the world…it wasn't really the end of the world…I thought it was much worse than it was…as I look back now it just seems a little silly…I know there are times when I am not going to do everything right…but I can recover from these mistake…when I give something a try I am going to learn in the process of doing it…and I am going to do better the next time…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I try new things…I don't have to do them alone…I can make this happen… in the past where things didn't work out perfectly…but it worked out in the end…that can happen again.

After doing this, try the task you are struggling to do again. Most times you will be able to easily start the task. If not think of another past failure and tap on it. Even though these past failures are not directly related to what is going on, the tapping will help free our subconscious up from it’s misperception that imperfection is unacceptable, and this in turn will make taking action easier.

Is It A Priority?
We can say something is really a priority, we can say something is very important, and we can say something needs to get done, but do we really mean it? In the business world companies talk all the time about their core values as a business. They will choose things like integrity, quality, and customer service. In many cases these are just empty words that might seem like a good idea but the company isn't really taking them seriously day-to-day.

The only time a company takes these values seriously is when they can state why they want this goal, there is a budget for it, there is a due dateand there is someone who is assigned to be in charge of making it happen. Otherwise they are just paying lip-service.

The same can be true for many of our tasks that don't seem to get done. We can state that working out is a really good idea. In a concrete way we can name why it is a good idea. We might even tell others that working-out is something we want to do. Working-out can be on our to-do list every day, but if it isn't really a priority it is never going to get done.

Here is how you can determine if a task is something that is a priority or if it is something that you are just paying lip-service to and therefore can just be crossed-off your list because your are never going to do it. Think of the task you are struggling to do and answer these four questions (also, write the answer out):

  • Budget/Resource: What are you willing to commit to achieve this goal? I am not talking about just financial resources, but also your time and your emotional energy. Some tasks are only going to take a little time while others are going to require you to carve out time regularly (like working out a couple days a week). Clearly name what you are willing to do for this task.
  • Due Date: When does it need to be done by? It is amazing how powerful a deadline can be.
  • Responsibility: Are you willing to take responsibility for it? This is something to consider seriously. Are you willing to say, “I am taking responsibility to do [insert task]”? If you aren't, then the task is never going to get done.
  • Why do you want to do it? This is an important question. Often times we say what we want to do without giving any thought as to why we are doing it. It is hard to lose weight, but it becomes easier to work out when we are doing it to make sure we are healthy to be around for our children. What do you get from doing this task? How does your life change by doing this task?

After you answer these four questions you can do one of two things. One, you can realize it is something that you don't want or need to do and it has ended up on your to-do list for some other reason. If this is the case, kill the task. Or secondly, take your answers and read them out loud as you tap. This will clear resistance and you will be doing the task before you know it.

What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen?
The question, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” is a very powerful reframe. I love using this when tapping with clients by pointing out really ridiculous outcomes that are not going to happen. For example, let’s say you want to ask for a raise, but can't bring yourself to do it. Here is a way to tap for it:

I want to ask for a raise…but I am worried it is going to go badly…I know that when I ask for a raise the building is not going to blow up…I am not going to drop dead of a heart attack…my boss is not going to run out of the room screaming and yelling…I am not going to be fired on the spot.

Are all of those extreme? Yes, but when we tune-in to the absolute extreme it is going to take some of the power out of our fear. Even when we don't know what might go wrong we can name a thousand really bad things that aren't going to happen. Give it a try. Just start tapping and name the things that aren't going to happen.

  • The world is not going to end
  • You are not doing to die
  • All hope and love are not going to be eliminated
  • Puppies are not going to die
  • Children are not going to cry
  • The BeeGees are not going to get back together

Yes it is laughable, but you will feel easier about what you would like to do.

Conclusion
The most import thing to remember when you are procrastinating about doing a task or taking a step is to not get frustrated with yourself. When we get frustrated we are compounding the problem. Not only are we not doing what we want to be doing, but we are also feeling bad about it. Be easy with yourself. Take a deep breath and try one of these steps and you will start moving towards your goal.

Another New Year’s Goal Setting Post (AND That’s A Good Thing)

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I know we are months past the beginning of the year. More than likely you have forgotten all your New Year's Resolutions.

The fact that January 1st is the beginning of the “New Year” is somewhat arbitrary. Really the first day of the year could have been any day, but for some reason when calendars where being created they chose January 1st. If we use the “New Year” as a tool to reflect on our life and as a chance to look ahead then it can be a very helpful thing.

So now that we are well past the craziness of the holidays and you have some time to reflect on what you thought was going to be important this year, let's try this again.

Let's make today the Re-New Year to reflect and plan action.

Last year I wrote about “Why I Am Giving Up Self Improvement In The New Year” and I would encourage you to revisit (!) it as a new way of looking at taking care of yourself.

The last week of December Joe Vitale shared 7 Ways to Make 2011 Amazing on his blog. Here are a few of the points that I really loved. (If you are interested I would encourage you to read Joe's full article.)

[Side note: This is really a two-part article in disguise. In this part I am talking about what you can do. In part two I am going to give you tapping scripts for each of these steps. If this feels overwhelming, just hang in there, help is coming.]

1. Set Intentions.

Tip: To get out of the ego’s trap of thinking in terms of limitations, add “this or something better” to each intention. Example: “I intend to increase my income in 2011 by 50%, or something better.”

I think setting goals is a really import part of success. I have been doing a little tapping experiment in my own life. I have been reviewing my goals for the year every week. When I say review I mean I am just reading the list every Monday. Then I am just doing my regular tapping. I am not even tapping on the issues around the goal. The simple fact that the goals are at the front of my mind is also bringing my resistance to the front of my mind. The combination of these facts with tapping daily is vaulting me towards my goals.

I also love Joe's tip of “this or something better.” I have been using that for years. It really opens us up to possibilities that we didn't know that are out there for us, but we might miss because we are not looking for them.

2. Schedule Actions.

Tip: If an intention seems overwhelming, break it down into doable smaller steps. As the saying goes, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do you write a book? One chapter (or even one page) at a time.

I use the free version of the website Toodledo to manage all my tasks. This is not just for my business, but I also use it to remind me to work out, plan my day, and to take time to do my personal tapping. You don't have to use some fancy tool, but naming the steps and putting them in writing is a great way to move forward.

3. Take Action.

Nothing happens until something moves.

Tip: Look at your schedule (in step two) to know what to do. Then go do it. Your rule of thumb is to take ten actions every day in the direction of making your intentions for 2011 come into reality.

Tony Robins once said something to the effect of, “If you sit at home all day gazing at your vision board something is going to happen . . . the repo man is going to show up and take all your stuff.” We need to be people of action.

I think expecting yourself to do 10 things every day is a great goal to work towards, but let's start simple. If you spend 10 minutes working towards a goal today, by the end of the month you will have spent 5 hours working towards your goal. If you are looking for ideas on how to add action to your day, check out Making It Routine

4. Face Fears.

Along the way in the new year you’ll have doubts, fears, set-backs and blocks. Don’t let them stop you. Fear isn’t something to redirect you; if anything, it’s simply warning you that you are leaving your comfort zone and doing something new.

If there weren't resistance, then you would have already reached your goal. There is something that is holding you back from moving forward. Be honest with yourself. Name your fears. Knock your fears out!

5. Feed Your Brain.

Turn off the mainstream news. It’s designed to program you with fear and uncertainty. Instead, listen to self-improvement audios, read success literature, and watch inspirational and informational shows.

Take time to take care of yourself. Make it a priority. It is really easy to say, “I really need to do this task and I can tap tomorrow.” The next thing you know you haven't spent any time tapping in three weeks.

Make it a priority. Put it on your schedule. Make an appointment with yourself. Turn off your phone. Lock your door. Do what you have to do to do a little each day to care for yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY OF DOING THIS!

7. Get Support.

Surround yourself with people who encourage, motivate, and inspire you . . . find at least one person who believes in you.

None of us are going to get where we want to get alone. Get help with your tapping. Pick the brain of someone who has achieved what you want to achieve. Every Tuesday I have a 15 minute call with my business coach to make sure I am staying on track and to use the wisdom of a man who has owned a small business for over 30 years. At least once every six weeks I work with someone to help me to tap on my issues. Get help you are worthy of!

A Million Thoughts Going Through Your Head
As you read through this list I am sure you had a number of thoughts.

  • Yes! I already know that.
  • Wow! That is a new way of looking at that.
  • I've tried that before, but it didn't work out so well.
  • There is too much to do all at once. I don't know where to start!
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

It is one thing to know what we need to do, but it is something completely different to do it. Over the next few weeks I am going to take each one of these ideas and expand upon them with a tapping script to deal with the resistance that you are feeling. I know it is there because I feel it too! But that is ok . . . we can get through this together.

Pod #55: Cravings, Savoring Food, and 3 Steps To Approach Every Problem

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This is a slightly different type of podcast. Instead of a straightforward teaching or an interview it is much more a conversation. The topic of the conversation with my friend Sue is cravings, eating, and weight release. Because of the nature of conversation we touch on many other things.

We talk about:

  • Reasons people have cravings
  • Becoming the observer of our self
  • How to be able to tap when something is happening, not just after the fact
  • Why treat your inner voice like a 5 year old
  • The difference between craving and savoring (lessons in conscious choice)
  • What we can learn (and not learn) from “What Not To Wear”
  • The balance between losing ourselves in our goals and total apathy
  • Why it is good that we struggle with how we look
  • Degrees of pain
  • Trading one craving for another (changing habits v healing wounds)
  • 3 steps to approach every problem

Strategic Self Kindness

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[Note from Gene: One of the biggest struggles I face in my own healing is the ablity to be easy with myself. I want better for myself. I expect more of myself. I know what I am capable of better. I WANT IT NOW! This makes it very hard to be easy with myself. It is something I tap on almost daily. In this article Janet Hilts a wonderful plan on how we can be easy with ourselves.]

photo by Aunt Owwee

Being gentle with yourself feels good. But do you know that it’s also a very practical tool? Self kindness is a great strategy for moving ahead – either for personal development or for business. It works for whatever your focus is and here’s why:

Self kindness saves time and energy, leaving you more of both for what you really want to do.
If you’re NOT gentle with yourself, you lose momentum every time something goes wrong or doesn’t go the way you want it to.

  • Criticizing yourself takes head time: all your thoughts about what you did wrong, what you should have done instead, etc.
  • Criticizing yourself takes heart time: all the crummy feelings about yourself.
  • And your focus turns totally inward.

To pull out of this state takes even more time and energy — recovery time to get your head turned around, to open your heart back up and feel better emotionally, and to turn outward again.

Self kindness, on the other hand, leaves you buoyant – with plenty of energy to focus outward and keep moving. It subtracts nothing from you to be kind to yourself. It doesn’t use up energy; it increases it. And the vibe it creates is contagious.

My point is that it’s highly practical as a strategy. So I hope you’ll consider using self-kindess — deliberately.
These are the steps to take to start using self kindness on a regular basis for yourself:

1. First, investigate your resistance to making self kindness a deliberate strategy. Get quiet and listen to the little voice inside your head that tells you why it’s not a good idea to do that, and stirs up fears about it. If you’re not using self kindness, it’s because a part of you has some good reasons for that. So listen for those reasons, those fears and beliefs. And then write them down.

What beliefs come up for you? They could be things like:

  • I’ll lose my motivation if I’m too nice to myself. I won’t feel like doing anything.
  • I don’t know how to do it. The people I know don’t do this.
  • It’s going to be too hard. Maybe it’s impossible.
  • I don’t know what I’m doing. This sounds crazy to me.
  • I don’t know if this can help me. What’s the point?
  • Etc. (whatever comes to mind)

Write those down.

2. Then take the whole list and cluster them together as a package. Now measure the emotional impact of that package on a scale of 1 to 10. How strong is that resistance of all those fears and beliefs together? And write the number down.

3. Then start tapping. Do one round of “This resistance to self kindness.”

Then do a few rounds of tapping, giving voice to the resistance. You can just read off your list as you tap.

Continue tapping until you get your resistance down to a zero.

4. The next thing that you can do is to create some positive statements and tap those in as affirmations. For example:

  • I easily go to self kindness first thing.
  • I love how it makes me feel.
  • My self kindness is contagious to the people around me.
  • I can feel my heart opening as I relax into self kindness.
  • Etc. (whatever comes to YOUR mind)

Have fun creating the list. Then just tap those affirmations in as a practice, first thing in the morning – no need for a setup. Simply move around the points as you tap on the positive statements.

Then enjoy the rewards of practicing self kindness as a deliberate strategy – and the ripple effect. Everyone you come in contact with will reap the benefits.

With coaching and EFT, Janet Hilts helps creatives and professionals dissolve personal blocks to success so they can move forward to do what they really want to do. Find Janet on-line @ web; facebook; twitter; radio

How Progress Happens – 10 Lessons Learned From Working With The Feeling of Anxiety All Day At Work

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photo by Phil Hollenback

Recently I was working with “Kelly.” We had been working every week or two for 30 minutes at a time on the issue of anxiety she was feeling at work. When we started working she described the anxiety as being present from the moment she walked in the door until she left. There were moments that she just wanted to run from the room screaming.

In the last eight weeks we have had six 30-minute sessions. We have not completely taken care of the issue, but a lot of progress has been achieved. Here are the steps that we have taken and the lessons that can be learned from our process.

Thinking About The Day And Not Feeling The Stress
In the beginning the anxiety that Kelly felt lasted well beyond just the work day. As the weekend would come to an end the feeling would start to grow. She would wake up in the morning with that gross feeling in the pit in her stomach. Just thinking of the office would bring the feeling on.

To begin with we started very simple. I had her imagine a very specific day she was at work and to start describing how she felt. I had her explain, in very specific detail, how she felt physically in conjunction with the emotion. Each time it was a little different. It would manifest itself as wanting to run away, a sinking feeling in the stomach, her heart quickly beating, or fidgety hands.

With each of these symptoms I would have Kelly thank the symptom for trying to get her attention and ask the symptom why it felt the way it felt. The system would provide information like it is not safe, I don't know what to do if too much comes up quickly, or I might say something foolish to the clients.

We took each of these issues one at a time and tapped on them like we would for any other issue. After clearing the particular issue I would have Kelly once again imagine that she was at work. We did this until she would feel no more anxiety while thinking she was at work.

When we chatted a week later she reported that she still felt the same level of anxiety at work.

Lesson 1: Just because we are able to clear an issue imagining that it is happening to us, it does not mean that we have cleared the issue. At the same time this does not mean that the tapping we have done is useless. There are many more triggers to anxiety when we are in the working environment versus just thinking of the working environment. It simply means that we are not done.

Lesson 2: We can get a great deal of information from a physical sensation. Many times all we need to do is ask what it is about. If you haven't done this type of work before this might seem very odd. All you have to do is pretend the tight chest has a voice to speak and ask, “Why are you so scared?” You will be surprised. Treat this newly found voice as a friend that you are tapping with. Keep providing it information like, “I know you think you are not safe at work, but you know intellectually no one is going to hurt you at work.” As you do this you will continue to get more and more specific information about the issue at hand which will give you more specific tappable issues.

Thinking About Going To Work
We continued the same pattern in the next sessions. Kelly would tune-in to something happening at work. We would tap on the issue. We got to the point where we were quickly knocking out the anxiety around the past moments and they weren't revealing any new information in regards to the core issues.

We then moved to having Kelly imagine future moments at work. Each time we did this we would add more and more details that we knew would make her more anxious. Kelly would imagine that more than one person would be approaching the desk at once, that the phone was ringing, that a co-worker came up from behind to ask for something, and we had her imagine that one of the people she didn't know who was approaching her desk was particularly handsome. We didn't add all of these details at once, but instead one at a time. As we added new details we would see where the anxiety was and why it was there. Once Kelly was able to tap it away we would add another detail.

We did this until she could imagine every detail at work and not feel any anxiety. Once we got to this point Kelly reported that she felt anxious at work, but no longer felt anxious heading into work in the morning. Many mornings she even felt a little calm, but the feeling of anxiety would slowly creep in. Before long it was at full bore.

Lesson 3: Once we have worked through past memories it is very helpful to place ourselves in future situations where we are experiencing the thing that is giving us trouble. The nice thing about EFT is we are able to creep up on an issue and not have to deal with everything all at once. I have found it to be most effective to add one new detail at a time so we make sure we are clearing as much as we can about one aspect before we move on to the next aspect. The nice thing about doing work in this fashion is we can create extreme scenarios without having to place ourselves in any sort of danger. Kelly may never experience everything going wrong at once, but we can pretend that that is what it is going to be like. As we saw above, this doesn't mean that we are going to be symptom-free when we step into the situation, but we are going to deal with it in a better way.

Being Calm At Work
As more time passed it became easier and easier for Kelly at work. In addition to the weekly tapping we were doing, she was also tapping daily before going into work. She wasn't spending a great deal of time, but just 10 minutes at the beginning of each day. At this point she was very familiar with the different aspects so she knew what to tap on. She reported that the calm now lasted through most of the morning. Most days as the afternoon got busy at the office the feeling of anxiety would come back. Some days it came back as strong as it did when we first started.

Lesson 4: Issues that have taken a lifetime to build are not going to change over night. Yes, we are making progress. Yes, things are better. An issue like general anxiety can knit itself into many parts of our life and isn't going to be neutralized over night. That doesn't mean that if we have taken 10 years for an issue to develop that it is going to take 10 years to remove it, but we need to be patient with ourselves and patient with the problem. Healing is a process and a process that we need to give time.

Lesson 5: Persistence pays off! The sessions we were doing weren't my traditional full one hour sessions and Kelly wasn't doing tapping work for hours a day. Instead, together and on her own, were doing a little work at a time, just chipping away at the issue. Thirty minutes of more intense tapping with me plus 10 minutes a day was being much more successful than if we just tapped once a week for those same 80 minutes. If you are going after a persistent issue, then being persistent with your tapping is the best way to go.

Naming What Is Going On As It Happens
In a recent session Kelly said, “This week at work when I was feeling really anxious, I decided to write down everything I was feeling in that moment so we could work on it.” This made me so happy because not only was she giving us information that would be helpful in our tapping, but it was also a sign of great progress. She was no longer so overwhelmed by the anxiety. Sure she felt it, but instead just being overwhelmed she was able to think, “Hey, it is happening again. I know what is going on.” When we do this it allows us to do work in the moment, not just after the fact.

Lesson 6: One of the real goals of this type of work is to become observers of our own lives. When we are able to notice our own thoughts and reactions we are able to change them. It is because of the persistence that Kelly had been working with that got her to this moment. She went from only noticing why things were happening at a great distance with the help of a practitioner, to being able to notice what was happening on her own after the fact, and finally to noticing important details in the moment.

Lesson 7: Getting things out of our head is a great way to defuse some of their power. I asked Kelly what it was like to write the symptoms down as she was feeling them. She said that is made some of the anxiety go away. Our minds often act as an echo chamber. As the thought bounces around it gets louder and slightly distorted. This is how we can work ourselves up about some feared event that hasn't happened. When we get these thoughts out of our mind and observe them in the warm light of day we see they are silly and they lose their power. In Kelly's case she wrote down that, “It is not safe at work and I need to escape.” The moment she saw that on her note pad she realized that this distorted thought wasn't true, and so writing it down took some of the power out of the anxiety. Writing down what we are feeling is a great tool. You can take what you have written down and throw it away or you can use it for tapping phrases and then get rid of it. [Tapping and journaling]

Being Frustrated With Not Getting The Tapping To Work Every Time
Right now Kelly is getting through most mornings without a problem. There are still issues most afternoons and she reported that some of the time when she tapped in the afternoon it had little effect and this has hurt her enthusiasm for tapping at work.

Lesson 8: It is very easy to be frustrated with the new normal when we have lost touch with the old normal. In the beginning, for Kelly it was painful just to think about being at work. She is not at the point where most mornings are fine and some afternoons are good. But in the moment of her current frustration she is no longer thinking about the progress. She is only thinking about the feeling she has right now. This is what we all do. We are so engrossed in the emotion of the moment that we forget how far we have come. It is good from time to time to take a step back and see how much progress we have made. This will make it easier for us to move forward.

Lesson 9: Just because something doesn't work every time doesn't mean that we shouldn't try it. I wish tapping worked every time for every issue, but that is not the case. But consider this: I have something that is going to work half the time for that feeling of anxiety, it isn't going to cost you anything, there are no negative side effects, and it will only take 10 minutes. Would you give it a try? When I framed it that way to Kelly she said of course she would. She even conceded that if it only worked one day a week it would be more than worth giving it a try.

Being Frustrated With Progress
This is one thing that Kelly hasn't experienced. She has kept a very even head all the way through the process. She has recognized how much better her life is and excited to keep working toward more progress. But not everyone does this during the healing process. (I am one of those people who struggle with this!)

Lesson 10: Just because you don't have total success doesn't mean that you don't have success. My friend Dan Cleary [Podcast interview with Dan Cleary] introduced me to the concept of the 10% solution. In a nut shell the 10% solution states that changing an issue 10% to the better can dramatically improve the quality of life. For example, someone who has 10% relief in chronic pain might now be able to sit through a full movie or now go out to dinner with a loved one. Sure they still have pain, but by reducing the pain just 10%, their life is noticeably better.

So often we look at an issue as we either have it or we don't have it and we fail to realize that by changing the degree we experience something, that this can change our life. If you asked Kelly, “Do you still have anxiety at work?” the answer is obviously yes. This might look like a failure. But she has gone from feeling it every moment of every day to feeling it some afternoons, often to a lesser degree. Is it perfect? Not at all, but it is a major improvement and her life is much better because of it.

It is important that we don't turn our issues into “we have it or we don't,” but it is much more important to understand how the issue impacts our life and how we can move to reduce its impact.

Conclusion
Any issue that has knit its way into many parts of our lives is very often going to take time and persistence to knock it out. When we know this, it is possible to stay focused on the task at hand and create a reasonable plan for making the change.

Pod #53: Fibromyalgia w/ Rue Hass

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According to U.S. National Library of Medicine at the National Institutes of Health Fibromyalgia is:

a common syndrome in which people experience long-term, body-wide pain and tender points in joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues.

Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, anxiety, and other symptoms.

The cause of this disorder is unknown. Although none have been well proven, possible causes or triggers of fibromyalgia include:

  • Physical or emotional trauma
  • An abnormal pain response. Areas in the brain that are responsible for pain may react differently in fibromyalgia patients.
  • Sleep disturbances, which are common in fibromyalgia patients.
  • An infectious microbe, such as a virus. At this point, no such virus or microbe has been identified.

The following conditions may be seen with fibromyalgia or mimic its symptoms:

  • Chronic neck or back pain
  • Chronic fatigue syndrome
  • Depression
  • Hypothyroidism
  • Lyme disease
  • Sleep disorders

More and more I am seeing clients with these symptoms. In this interview I spend time with EFT Rue Hass talking about her experience with clients who are experiencing symptoms of fibromyalgia. We talk about causes as well things she has seen in her practice that has been helpful for these symptoms


Rue Hass

Guest: Rue Hass

Contact Info: IntuitiveMentoring.com, rue (at) intuitivementoring (dot) com

How Rue describes herself: When I first meet a new client/customer/co-creative partner, I walk them through an interesting process of understanding their life as a story. It concludes with asking them to consider what they want their life to leave in the world as a legacy. How do they want the world to be a better place for their having been in it?

When I contemplate this in myself, and ask, “What do I want to focus on in this phase of my life, as a culmination of everything I have learned and gained?”, what emerges for me is the concept of “spiritual eldering.” This impulse finds expression in my work with individuals and local groups, inviting and assisting people and communities to move into a sense of the real transformative power of their spiritual Presence in the world.

I particularly like to work with young people, adolescents and young adults as a mentor/coach. I have always been drawn to the kind of kid who might find him/herself in trouble in school, academically or socially, but who on the inside is bright, sensitive, perceptive, intuitive, often artistic or athletic, deep hearted and imaginative, and who just doesn’t fit the norm. I want to make it easier for these young people to find their place in the world. I think they are here to save it.

Links & Resrouces From Episode: