Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Pod 246: Why It Is Important to Be Selfish

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whyitsimportanttobeselfishNote: This week's topic is so important that I have written an article and recorded a podcast. The article shares the same ideas, but is not a transcript of the podcast. This way you can choose the form that works best for you. The tapping script is identical in both the article and podcast.

I think that being selfish gets a really bad rap. Most people think that being selfish is bad and we are taught from a young age to be giving and not selfish.

Personally I don’t believe that being selfish and being giving are opposites.

Instead, I believe that every action I take is a selfish one because it is a self-defining act. Let me give you a few ridiculous examples to help prove my point.

  • Right now as I type this article I am taking a deep breath in, which means I am being selfish. There is no other reason to breathe than to stay alive. That is very selfish.
  • When I choose to love my family I am being selfish because I want to be a loving person. When I choose to love someone (and it is a choice), I am defining myself as a loving person.
  • When I choose to run my practice and help other people, I am being selfish because I am choosing how I use my time. Yes, I am helping people, and that is a great thing, but I am not healing them. That is their choice. I am just a guide in the process. They are being selfish when they choose to heal. I am being selfish when I choose to articulate who I am as a person who guides others on this path.

I know these examples are extremes, but I think they bring out the point because we tend to think of being selfish in such extreme terms.

Not only is it OK to be selfish, it is impossible not to be selfish because every action we make with our conscious choice is a self-defining act.

When I work out to get healthier, I am being selfish because I could be doing other things with my time. When I study a new skill, I am being selfish in order to make myself a different type of person. I am being selfish when I take a nap so I can be more present to my clients later in the afternoon.

It is OK to be selfish.

The reason you are still feeling uncomfortable every time you read that is because it is easy to believe that selfish equals greedy, mean, heartless, and willing to hurt others. We need to be selfish. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we will never be able to take care of others.

We need to be selfish. If we don’t take care of ourselves then we aren’t taking care of ourselves.

We need to be selfish. If we don’t take care of ourselves we are never going to grow and heal in to who we truly are.

Yes, I know you are still resisting this, despite my repetition. That is OK. Tapping for this might sound like:

I don’t want to be selfish…Because I need to care for other people…There are people who have it so much worse than I do…That I can’t ask for anything more or better…And the things I have…I have squandered…It would be really selfish to ask for more…But I choose to know that selfish means I am making self-defining act…Every choice I make is a selfish act…I can love someone else and be selfish…Because I want to be love…I can care for someone else because they are in need and be selfish…Because I want to be giving…This doesn’t take anything away from those loving acts…This doesn’t mean they are less valuable…It just means that when I am sharing…I am also defining myself…It is OK to want better for myself…Because I can then share with others…It is OK to want more for myself because then I can share more of myself with others…I am worthy of taking care of myself…That is not greedy…That is being healthy….I need to be healthy…I must be healthy…It is OK that I don’t think being selfish is a bad thing…I don’t want to be mean…I don’t want to be greedy…But those are not the same as being selfish…To be selfish is to choose the type of self I want to be.

Pod #245: “What If” Tapping w/ Julie Schiffman

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When we are in a great deal of emotional or physical pain it can be a struggle to believe it can get better. We might believe that our situation can be manageable, but we have lost hope in true transformation.

Once we feel hopeless, our natural state is not to take action. Subconsciously we understand that if better isn't possible, then taking action will be a waste of time. We choose to do nothing in order to save fruitless effort.

Julie Schiffman has come up with the perfect tapping tool for times like these. Instead pushing ourselves to what feels unreasonable, it is a form of tapping were we simply wonder “what would happen if” our situation were to change.

It is a very gentle tool that will move us from hopelessness to action. In this conversation not only does Julie share how to do it, she gives a great demonstration to which you can tap along.

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Guest:Julie Schiffman

Contact: web @ JulieSchiffman.com; facebook @ Julie Schiffman EFT; instagram @Julieschiffman_tapintolife; youtube channel @ Julie Schiffman; YouTube demonstrations @ over 100 videos

About:Julie Schiffman, MSW, is an internationally recognized Expert EFT Practitioner. For more than 20 years, she has counseled thousands of clients, helping them break through physical and emotional barriers. Her life-changing YouTube videos have been viewed more than 4 million times.

She is best known for her expertise in helping others heal from pain, disease, weight issues, phobias and other emotional and physical stressors.

She was formerly the chief EFT practitioner for Dr. Mercola’s Center for Natural Health for over 15 years. Julie has been a featured presenter at the “Tapping World Summit” every year since its inception in 2008.

Pod #244: Sharing EFT With Conservative Communities w/ Manal Khalife

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sharing-eft-with-conservative-communitiesAnything that is new and different takes time to be accepted into the mainstream. EFT is no different.

EFT has the added hurdle of often being paired with other practices and modalities that are outside the mainstream.

In this conversation I talk with Manal Khalife about how we can best present EFT to individuals and communities who would not see the value of tapping, and might even perceive it as dangerous.

Manal Khalife
Manal Khalife

Guest: Manal Khalife

Contact: Web @ ManalKhalife.com/; twiter @ iammanalk; facebook @ iammanalk;

About: Manal Khalife is a Stress and Emotions Coach, helping women who want to learn how to handle stress, let go of emotional pain, make peace with past experiences, and move forward with confidence. She specializes in working with postpartum depression.

Pod #243: EFT For When We Are Waiting On Others To Make A Choice

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eft-for-when-you-are-waiting-on-others-to-chooseThere is so much of the world that we do not control. We are surrounded by people, just like us, who are making choices and exercising their free will.

In many ways, we can't escape the impact of other people's choices, especially when we are collaborating with others.

That means we often have to wait on someone else to make a choice so that we can move forward with what we want to do. We can be worried that they will make a choice that we don't like OR we can feel stuck because we can't do anything until they choose.

Here is a simple tap-along to find peace while waiting on others to choose.

A full transcript of the tap-along can be found below the player.

I recognize the fact that one of the reasons I am so frustrated is because I have a clear vision of what I want…it's something I am super excited about and I know how good it's going to be…I know how it's going to make my life better…the problem is I can't do it on my own…I need someone else to say yes…I'm glad I have someone I can work with…I'm glad I have someone I might be able to go through this with because it is going to be so much better because they are at my side…I know it is something that is impossible for me to do on my own…but it is really hard waiting for them to say yes because I want this so badly…if they wanted it like I want it then they already would have said yes…the fact that they haven't said yes feels like a judgement…feels like they're saying I'm not worthy…feels like they might want to do it but with someone else…it feels as if my desires aren't important…it feels as if my wants aren't important…I can understand that other people have choice…I'm glad other people have choice…I only want them to do what is right for them but I also recognize the fact it is hard waiting…I give myself permission to know that them not answering is not a judgement on me…them not answering is not a rejection…them not answering is simply them thinking…making sure it is the right fit for them …I'm glad they're being thoughtful…I can appreciate that they're being deliberate…this is how it fits into their life…it's not a judgment of me…even if this doesn't work out…no matter how great this is…this is not my last opportunity…this is not my last chance…this is not my only chance…I can and will have more opportunities…I give myself permission to be open to knowing that if I keep taking deliberate action good will come

Pod #242: EFT for Peak Performance w/ Gina Parris

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Once we have learned a basic skill, our ability to be successful while doing that skill is very dependent on how we are feeling at the time of performing the action.

If we feel confident, we will perform to the best of our ability and will be able to handle problems with grace and ease. If we feel worried or overwhelmed, we will make mistakes and not perform at our best.

Gina Parris works closely with business professionals and athletes to help them to work at their peak state. In this conversation we talk about what can get in the way of peak performance and how we can use tapping to perform better.


Gina Parris

Guest: Gina Parris

Contact: web @ GinaParris.com web @ WinningAtRomance.com

About Gina: Gina Parris is a speaker and performance coach. She works with competitors who want to play at their peak under any pressure. Gina is an expert on overcoming performance anxiety – whether in your most public performance or in your most “intimate” game. Gina has been a practitioner of EFT since 2004.

[Note: As we talked about in this interview, there are many reasons why we might feel worried when we are taking action. If you are finding that anxiety is holding you back from taking action I would encourage you to check out the Ruach Center. There are over 160 tap-along audios designed to help you get out of your own way and take the action you want.]

Pod #241: Love, The Primitive Brain, and EFT w/ Rick Wilkes

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love-the-primitive-brain-and-eft

Fear is one of our most primitive defense mechanisms. It is the reason that humans as a species exist. Our ability to notice danger and to feel are what keep us safe.

The problem is that we don't live in the same world we did 10,000 years ago. We no longer need to be on guard at all times for fear of being eaten by wild animals.

The way we feel fear has not evolved to match the world we live in. Because of this, our subconscious disposition is towards fear.

This makes openness, connection, and love harder.

This week I have a conversation with Rick Wilkes about fear, love, the primitive brain, and how we can use EFT to transform our daily experience to be filled with more love and more connection.


Rick Wilkes

Guest: Rick Wilkes, LMT

Contact Info: thrivingnow.com, Rick@Thrivingnow.com, 1-828-357-4674 or 1-888-222-3856

Bio: Rick Wilkes is an EFT practitioner based in Asheville, NC. Over the last six years Rick has worked with more than 1500 clients. He works regularly with individuals and with his Thriving Now Groups.

Here's what one of Rick's loyal clients says: “Working with Rick Wilkes both privately and on team calls has helped me greatly to release the past, move more confidently into the future, and mostly to be more joyfully present in the now. Rick’s open-hearted broader perspective, amazing intuition, and great sense of humor always help me to get right to the core and effectively reframe whatever issue I have. Listening to him work with others has helped me to get in touch with stuff I didn’t even know was there and inspired me in my own work with others. It is a blessing and honor to work with such a master.”

Rick's articles, programs, and products Thriving Now

Pod #240: EFT Creating Helpful And Healthful Boundaries

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boundaries-2

Healthy boundaries are important for our wellbeing, both in the short and long term.

The struggle comes when we encounter someone in pain. As caring people it can feel cold and heartless to create a boundary of any sort in this setting.

This week I talk about how to create boundaries in a way that allows us to be loving, supportive people while also taking care of our own health. Then we do some tapping for the resistance to creating boundaries.

Below the player you will find a printable tapping script that accompanies this audio.

This episode of the Tapping Q & A Podcast is sponsored by Pain Relief Miracle. Receive 33% off your first order!

I recognize the fact there is a swirl of information that is around me every single day…If I absorbed every piece of information and if I absorbed every emotion everyone experienced…Then it would be way too much…It would be overwhelming…It would be all-consuming…It would be impossible for me for me to be able to provide aid…I give myself permission to know that when I create good boundaries…I am not blocking the world out…I am not preventing those I need to be present to from having access to me…Instead I am making sure that when it is time for me to be fully present to someone in front of me that I can be fully present…As I start this day I give my sister permission to create helpful and helpful boundaries…To allow in the information that can make a difference…And to keep at bay any piece of information that is not useful to me…I know in doing this I am actually making a loving choice…Because I am ensuring that whenever I am present I am fully present…I trust my system to create helpful and helpful boundaries for me today.

Pod #239: Using EFT With The 12 Step Process w/ Gloria Arenson

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eft-and-12-step

Tapping is a very effective tool for working with addictions. 12-step programs are very effective for working in addictions.

What would happed if you combined the two?

That is exactly what is covered in this interview. Gloria Arenson has decades of experience working with both and she talks about how the two approaches can complement each other.

Gloria Arenson
Gloria Arenson

Guest: Gloria Arenson, MS, LMFT, DCEP

Contact: web @ GloriaArenson.com; facebook @ gloria.arenson; twitter @ glotao

About: Gloria Arenson is a Marriage Family Therapist who has been in practice for over 30 years. She specializes in using Energy Psychology approaches to treat eating and spending disorders, stress, anxiety, panic, depression, phobias and relationship problems. Her extensive knowledge of addictive and compulsive behaviors led her to write: How To Stop Playing The Weighting, A Substance Called Food, Desserts Is Stressed Spelled Backwards, Born To Spend, EFT For Procrastination, and Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing.

She has appeared on major radio and TV shows including The Home Show with Gary Collins, Montel Williams Show, Leeza Gibbons, AM Los Angeles, CNN News, and more than fifty radio call-in shows throughout the United States and Canada.

Do I Have To Say The Phrases Out Loud When I Use EFT?

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #4. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Do I Have To Say The Phrases Out When Tapping-Question: I would like to know whether it is best to talk out loud when you're tapping or if it's okay to just focus on the issue, memory, or body sensation without using words? I wonder if whether using words silently or out loud engages a specific part of the brain and whether or not this has a different effect?
Jane in France

This question shows up in lots of ways. Sometimes I would get emails that ask me, “What are the tapping phrases for in certain issues?” As if there are some sort of specific magical phrases for tapping.

We know for tapping to be successful, it's a combination of two things:

  1. We are tuning in concentrating on the issue, and
  2. We are providing stimulus to the tapping points.

That's where the relief comes from.

The way that we tune in can be different from moment to moment, from person to person. It is possible for me to say words out loud and not have it be a focusing factor. I can say, “this pain in my knee, this pain in my knee, this pain in my knee” and be completely preoccupied with my laundry or the errands I have to run. It doesn't matter that I'm saying the words out loud.

There are other times where I can be completely focused and engrossed in my knee and not say any words at all, just in the way that I put my attention.

For me, what I think most important is to create concrete details about what we are tapping on. For us to have concrete details we need to give the issue language. As an example, I want you to think about an apple.

As you did that you might have thought of a computer or you might have thought of an apple, like a piece of fruit. What I want you to do is to focus on a piece of fruit if you thought of a computer.

I want you to describe the apple. What does it look like? Does it have a stem? Does it have a leaf? What color is it? Is it red, is it green, is there yellow because it's still ripening? Is it firm? Is it kind of mushy?

As you tune into it you start to give it specific characteristics as it comes into sharper focus. When we're tapping, the sharper focus we can bring something in, the more successful the tapping is going to be.

That doesn't mean we have to have it in sharp focus. It simply means anytime we can get the focus sharper it will allow us to move forward.

There are times when I am tapping with a client and they are just bawling hysterically so I really don't need to ask them, “Zero to ten, how big is your sadness? Where do you feel it in your body?” That's not the question I need to ask. It is something that is so consuming and they are so tuned into it in this moment, we just have to tap.

When this happens what we'll notice is as they tap and the intensity comes down, all of a sudden they will start to having language for it. It's heaviness in my chest, it's a burden on my shoulders, it's tears stuck behind my eyes. As the intensity comes down, the clarity becomes useful because it's becoming smaller and smaller and it's not our entire experience.

For me it doesn't matter if I say the words out loud or I think them internally, what's important is how specific I'm getting.

For example, if I'm tapping on a pain I'll ask myself these questions:

  • What is the shape of the pain?
  • Does it have an epicenter or is it evenly distributed?
  • Is it sharp, dull, hot, poky, burning?
  • If I were going to paint a picture of this pain what colors would I paint it?
  • Is there an epicenter?
  • If I pulled it out of my leg and I held it in my hand, how much would the pain weigh?
  • If I was going to make a model of this pain so I can show it to second grade class, what materials would I use to demonstrate what it feels like?

None of those questions are diagnostic. It's just about me focusing in and being really clear about what's going on. I find that if I'm writing something down on a piece of paper or if I'm saying it out loud, I won’t take shortcuts. I'm going to be specific about what I am saying.

When I teach classes even if people aren't taking notes and they're recording it, I have them pretend they're taking notes and not just by moving their hand like they're writing, but actually have them make the letters of the notes they would be writing down. Because by forcing ourselves to give words to an experience we're making it more concrete, and the more concrete we are, the more successful the tapping will be. For me it's less of an issue of out loud or not. That's not what the issue is, the issue is whether or not I'm being specific with the words that I'm saying, and as I'm specific with the words it allows me to release and create transformation.

Pod #238: EFT for Postpartum Depression w/ Manal Khalife

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postpartum-depression-1The emotional journey that mothers go through during the birth of their children is increasingly better understood. Birth is not only a physically taxing process, but it also takes a significant emotional toll.

Because there is now a tiny little human that needs so much attention, it is very common for mothers to neglect their self-care. In many cases mothers even feel guilty for having any needs at all.

This week I have a conversation with Manal Khalife about postpartum depression and how we can tap in response to it. Even if you are not a mother, you will find this conversation helpful as a guide to supporting those who are going through it.

Manal Khalife
Manal Khalife

Guest: Manal Khalife

Contact: Web @ ManalKhalife.com; twiter @ iammanalk; facebook @ iammanalk;

About: Manal Khalife is a Stress and Emotions Coach, helping women who want to learn how to handle stress, let go of emotional pain, make peace with past experiences, and move forward with confidence. She specializes in working with postpartum depression.

What To Do When The SUD Scale Doesn’t Work For You

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #3. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

what-to-do-with-sudQuestion: For people who don't like numbers and tend to measure intensity in very subjective terms, how do you guide them to more meaningful/useful measurements?
Meg, Maryland

When he came up with EFT Gary Craig used the measurement called a SUDs level, which stands for “subjective unit of distress”. What is really interesting in this question is it feels as if when we're using numbers we're giving something that's concrete because it's measurable and it's a number. But the truth of the matter is that even when we are putting a number on something, it's still subjective.

From the very beginning recognize the fact that it's not about getting something to a three from a seven and bringing it down, it's more about creating progress and way of measuring that progress.

Often times when work with children for whom assigning a numerical value to something is meaningless because they don't have a conceptual sense of numeracy, other than knowing their age just because they've been told it. So instead will have kids use hand gestures, kind of like they're showing me the size of the fish.

How big is your anger right now? Or, how big is the nervousness in your stomach? Show me with your hands how big it is. And they really like that.

Again, it's subjective and it's giving us this measurement. The thing that's most important about using any sort of measurement is to give us feedback about the tapping we're doing to see if we're heading in the right direction.

There are three types of responses that we can have to tapping.

The first type of response is we feel better. I'm thinking about an issue. I'm thinking about a worry. I am not as worried and the number goes down. Or my anger goes down from a seven to a four. There's less anger and the intensity of that emotion decreases from a seven to a four.

The second type of response is there's absolutely no change at all. We do a round of tapping, it's still in the exact same spot.

The third type of response that we can have is it can actually get worse, or it feels like it is getting worse. For example the first time I tuned into this pain in my knee it was a seven but now that I've tapped on a couple of rounds, it's now a nine.

Let's take those three responses and just see what they mean.

The first response, it gets better. Well, that's what's happening, it’s getting better and that means we're on the right path. Once it has gotten better we now ask ourselves the question, do I have enough relief or do I want more relief to what is going on? Because sometimes the goal isn't to get the issue to a zero.

For example, when I'm at a holiday party and I see the sweets over there and I'm really craving sweets, I don't have to eliminate the craving. I simply have to reduce the craving enough so that I am not tempted to eat the treat that I don't want to eat, and instead I make a good sensible eating choice based on what I consciously want to do in that moment. I just want better, I don't necessarily need it to go away. We evaluate, has it gotten better? Has it gotten better enough that I can make a good choice? If not then we tap again to clear as much as we need to.

The second response is it stays exactly the same. If it stays exactly the same, that means is we're either not tapping on the right issue, there is a reversal of some sort, or we need to get more specific. If this is the case we need to change our tactic so we can approach it in a different way. When we change our tactic and approach it in a different way, we put ourselves in a position where we can be more successful.

The third response is it gets worse, the pain actually intensifies, the anger intensifies, the craving intensifies, and as odd as it seems, that's actually a really good thing. Not that it's more painful, not that it's more intense, but it's a really good thing because it means that we're on the right path. Think of it this way. Your knee aches, you have had a knee problem for years and years. As you move through the day you don't notice it but when you get home from work, you sit down on the couch, take off your shoes, lean back, and then all of a sudden your knee starts to throb.

The sitting on the couch did not cause your knee to hurt more but instead because you've been dealing with the business of the day you've been thinking about all the things that are in front of you, and so you tune out the pain in your knee in the exact same way you're tuning out the pressure your socks are putting on your feet right now. The instant I said “socks on your feet” you felt your feet. Even if you weren't wearing socks you feel your feet touching the floor. You brought attention to it. Your socks didn't magically cling to your feet in that moment, you just gave them your attention.

There are times when we're tapping when the intensity goes up because we're just focusing on the issue that was already there and we're shedding light on it so it feels bigger. In this process of tapping we're just looking for feedback. I do a round of tapping I ask is it something that I think is better, is it worse, is it staying the same? That will dictate what my next step is. Either I'm done, or I need to tap more, or I need to approach it in a new way.

When I'm dealing with a client who is really struggling with assigning numbers to the questions like “how big is it?” they might say, “I have no idea how to judge how big grief is, it's just overwhelming”. We do some rounds of tapping, after we're done I say, “I want you to imagine what grief felt like when it was overwhelming, what's it like now? Is it still overwhelming or is it something else?”

You'll notice in the question I'm not asking, is it more, is it less, I'm just asking if it's different. If it's different I will focus in on that difference, “It's different how? Tell me how it's different?” If there's still something that's hanging around we're just going to tap on the new thing as if it's the only issue in the world and it's the first thing we've been presented.

We simply know we're heading in the right direction because it's changed in some capacity.

We create this graph to show exactly how much smaller the problem is. We're simply saying, okay, compared to what it was before, how is it now? Are you satisfied with that or do you still want change? I have found if you approach it in that way it will put you in a circumstance that will allow you to be more successful in communicating the transformational process because sometimes transformation isn't as easy as “If it was a seven and it's now a five”.

Pod #237: EFT For When We Don’t Want To Be Noticed

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Dont Want To Be Seen

There are times in our lives where we feel out of place in the world.

We feel we don't belong because we don't believe we are smart enough, popular enough, attractive enough, or something else enough.

When this happens to me there is a small part inside my mind that wishes the earth would just open up and swallow me whole, so I don’t have to be seen.

Here is a tap-along for such moments, with the tapping script written out below.

I recognize the fact that there are times where I feel like I don't belong in any meaningful way…I feel like I'm not smart enough…That I'm not good enough…That I'm not talented enough…That I'm just not enough…And when this happens I simply want to disappear…When this happens I don't want to be known anywhere…When this happens I wish I didn't have to be there at all…I feel insignificant…I feel scared…I feel like I'm only causing problems…I feel like I'm a burden…I recognize the fact that when I'm in a situation like this I'm not actually standing out…I'm not actually being noticed…Almost everybody present is too busy thinking about themselves anyway…Is too busy thinking about what is in front of them to even notice me…What is much more important is the fact that I am worthy of being there…That I do belong…That I actually do have something to contribute…The part of me that is scared remembers those times where I didn't fit in…Where I didn't belong…Or at least that's how I felt…And when we feel like we don't belong…We notice what we think is proof around us…That shows we don't belong…But there isn’t actual proof…We are just drawing a conclusion that is far from the truth…I give myself permission to know that I am no different than anyone else I am around…I am worthy of being here…I belong here…I give myself permission to trust myself…To trust that I can stand tall…To know that I am worthy because I was made worthy…My worth is something that is intrinsic…It is something that is a part of who I am…Even though there is a very young part of me that doesn't believe it to be so…This part is trying to keep me safe from all of the danger it sees in the world…I give myself permission to trust myself and to trust what is going on…Knowing that I can be seen…Knowing that I can be present…Knowing that I'm capable of doing this…I give myself permission to trust the process and to trust myself…Because there's a part of me that knows I belong…There's a part of me that knows that I am worthy…And there's a part of me that knows I have nothing to prove.

How To Tap For Your Loved Ones

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #2. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

How To Tap For Your Loved OnesQuestion: How can we use tapping as a remedy for others who lack confidence and suffer from various unwanted habits and physical problems?
Kesavannamboothiri, India

This question sounds like it’s about how to tap surrogately for someone else.

If you're not familiar with the term surrogate tap, that's basically when I am tapping on myself as a surrogate in place of you. Often people will teach that we are all connected and we can heal each other. If I just tap on myself, it will have a healing effect on you. I don't know if that's necessarily the case. There isn't any specific scientific evidence that says that is possible. The study of quantum physics and the quantum mechanical principle of entrainment lead us to believe that this is something that is possible and as time passes we're discovering more and more about this. There are some interesting studies that see this as a possibility, but they're anything but conclusive.

With that being said, this is the way that I approach it.

The only thing that I truly have control over are the choices I make and my emotional responses. Sometimes I don't even have control over those. But in the best of all possible worlds, when I am in a resource-rich state and I'm doing the best that I can, that is what I can control.

I can't control you. I can't control the weather. I can't control choices that other people make. I can't control the dog down the street.

I can control myself and I can control my response.

When I try to positively impact someone around me I'm not actually going to change them because I can't do that. Instead, what I'm going to do is I'm going to change the way that I show up for them. Because if I show up in a different way, then I will give them the opportunity to make a different choice.

Here is an example to illustrate the way we show up differently and how it impacts the people around us. I travel a lot. Travel problems are inevitable. When that happens there's this long line of people who are standing up to talk to the gate agent to make changes to their ticket because things have gone wrong.

In that moment people are frustrated because they're out of control, they're depending upon someone else, and typically people don't get on planes unless it's for something important. If I'm now delayed I'm missing that important thing, or if I'm now delayed I'm missing getting home when I need to get home or when I expect to get home and it's causing me trouble.

It makes perfect sense that people will be disoriented and emotional in those moments. I observe people going up to talk to the gate agent after I've been helped. As each person approaches the counter you can see the gate agent immediately respond to the person who is in front of them based on how they emotionally show up.

If the person steps up to the counter really, really frustrated, immediately they go into defensive mode. And if the person shows up with the attitude of “This really sucks. I know this isn't your fault. Can you please help me?” even before they say those words, you can see the gate agent actually relax a little bit because they know they're not fighting with the person in front of them because the person they're talking to understands what's going on.

The way the person approaches the counter and the emotion that they are carrying gives the gate agent permission to act in a different way. The kinder they are, the more space there will be for them.

That is the way I approach tapping for others. First is how I show up emotionally. If I show up calmly and I'm not angry, or I'm not anxious, or I'm not worried, it immediately creates space for you to make better choices. The second thing is if I show up in a way in which I'm not overreacting to the way you are acting, then we're never going to be in the circumstance where anything gets escalated, and my presence and my response makes what you're doing worse.

Not that I'm taking responsibility for your choices but it's possible for me to show up in ways where it makes it easier for you to be agitated because of the way I respond to what you do. My goal whenever I want to ‘tap for someone else' is just to get myself as emotionally clear as I possibly can when I come to the situation.

The way that I do this is through a technique that I call Talk About, Talk To, and Talk As If. There's a comprehensive explanation of this in Bonus Podcast #22. In that podcast I have a much longer explanation of this process, but I'll give you a short explanation now so you can use it right away.

It happens in three steps:

  1. Talk about
  2. Talk to
  3. Talk as if

I use this protocol when I'm trying to get myself clear and I use it for an individual. I'm not doing it for people in general but for one person.

I tap the entire time through all three phases, tap, tap, tap. Just let your fingers do the walking. In the talk about phase, I'm going to imagine that I am sitting down with a friend and I'm catching up, and I'm just talking about what is going on for the person whose life ‘I'm tapping for'. I'm going to give them all the details and tell them how I feel. He is doing this and I feel that. She is not doing this and I feel that. I say this, they say that, I feel this. Just talking about what's going on and then talking about how I feel. The more detail you can go into, the better. The more emotion you can tune into, the better. Again, just talk about it and tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Part two is talk to. In the talk to phase I'm going to be pretending. I don't have the person around me, they're not sitting across from me, but I'm going to imagine that I'm going to talk to this person whose I want life to be better. As I do this I share with them everything I want them to hear. And some of those things will be super-positive, “I love you…I want what's best for you…I want you to heal”. Some of those things might be super-negative, “I hate the fact that you do this and it hurts my life…I hate the fact that you're acting so selfishly that we have to pick up the pieces for you”. It can be instructive, “I really wish you would pick this up…I really wish you would try this…I really wish you would listen to your mother”. Whatever that is.

As we do this, we imagine everything we say we're saying directly into their heart and mind, and it is being heard with the intention that we are saying it. In real life we know that's not the case. I can say something and you can misconstrue it. I can say something and you can bring your biases to it. By doing it in this way I am ensuring I am putting myself in a position where I can just speak freely. I'm going to imagine you're hearing it, again, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

The third part is talk as if, and in this phase we're going to guess. We're not going to know for certain but we're going to guess we know why the person subconsciously is making the choices that are making. Not consciously but subconsciously. Let's pretend that we're really concerned about a drinking problem that a loved one has. Talking as if would be, “I have a feeling that you are drinking every single day after work because you feel really desperate and you feel hopeless, and you don't want to stay in your apartment alone and drinking a lot numbs the pain”.

When I say that I'm not saying it's a good choice. I'm not saying it's a valid way to act. It's not saying that you don't have to take responsibility for the bad outcome of that. I'm simply explaining from a subconscious level why they act the way that they do.

Or it could be, I have a feeling that the reason you overreact at work all the time is because in your last job you weren't taken seriously, so every time you speak up you're still fighting to be taken seriously. That’s the reason why you're so combative. I don't know if that's the case but I'm guessing. What we do is we take this part and we tune into the person and we do all three steps.

We talk about, we talk to, we talk as if. I found when we do this we show up in a very different way, which makes the relationship better, and we create space, which allows them to make healthier choices. Doesn't mean that they're always going to, doesn't mean they have to change, but we're creating the space and the opportunity for that to happen.

Transformation As A Process, Not A Single Giant Step

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #1. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Transformation As A Process, Not As A Single Giant StepQuestion: When you're doing your tap-along audios you say the words “in big and small” ways a lot. I never really connected with these phrases. Could you expand on why you use those phrases?
– Melissa, Texas

There's a specific reason why I use those phrases. Our subconscious mind is very good at making the things we experience in the world into all or nothing propositions. The reason it does this is because every single time we have to think a new thought, it costs us energy.

Thinking is one of the most energy intensive things that we do in our bodies. That's the reason why if you ever go to a training course and you're learning new things all day, at the end of the day you just feel like you've been flattened and wiped out energetically, even though the only thing you've done is just sat there and listened and taken notes. Because you're thinking so hard it is very energy intensive.

As we navigate our day, the reason we have habits is so we don't have to think. A number of studies have been done where they have taken nodes and stuck them right into the middle of the brains of rats as they are learning a maze and making the maze a habit. Once it becomes a habit, it takes very little energy for them to navigate the maze because they're simply responding to the habit they have developed.

Where that shows up in the rest of our life is it makes things into all or nothing propositions because we don't have to think. If everything is good or everything is bad about something, then there's no nuance, there's no subtlety. The instant we bring subtlety into play, it's a bad idea…except in this situation…because of these extenuating circumstances…it's actually a good idea. That takes a lot of capacity.

Don't get me wrong, that's what I think we should be doing. I think we should be thoughtful as we navigate this. When we're talking about transformation and we're tapping on the phrase “I allow myself to change this in big and small ways”, what I'm doing for myself – and this might not resonate with you and might not work with you – is I'm communicating with myself that this transformation doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition.

Often really small changes add up into amazing things in my life…when a small change is multiplied by every moment of my day, or every moment of my week, or every moment of my life. When I use that phrase “in big and small ways” I'm encouraging my system to remember that is how transformation can happen and it doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition. And I found for myself it allows change to happen more quickly because it's opening my system to incremental change and not making the transformation all at once.

Pod #236: Your Questions about EFT Answered

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QandA BlueA few weeks ago I put out the call for your questions about EFT and how to best use it.

I received a number of amazing questions. (Note: If you would like a question answered on a future podcast please send it to me via this link)

In this episode I answer questions about:

  • The phrases I use when I tap.
  • Surrogate tapping for the physical and emotional needs of loved ones.
  • How to use the SUDs scale when you don't like using numbers.
  • Saying tapping phrases out loud when you are tapping alone.

You can find the full transcript of the audio below the player.

Transcripts of the questions and answers:

Pod #235: Comparing Matrix Reimprinting with EFT w/ Karl Dawson

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Matrix ReimprintingWhen Gary Craig first introduced EFT he very intentionally presented it in a way in that encouraged others build upon his work, much in the same way he had built upon Roger Callahan's Thought Field Therapy (TFT).

To stress this point, Gary named his new process Emotional Freedom Techniques. Please note the “s” on the end of Techniques, for all the different ways could be done.

Matrix Reimprinting, which was developed by Founding EFT Master Karl Dawson, is one of the best known of the EFT iterations.

In this interview we compare and contrast EFT to Matrix Reimprinting. Even if you have no plans to study Matrix Reimprinting, there are a number of tips you can take from this conversation to add to your tapping.

Karl Dawson
Karl Dawson

Guest: Karl Dawson

Contact: web @ MatrixReimprinting.com/; twitter @MatrixReimprint; facebook @ Matrix Reimprinting

About Karl: Karl Dawson is one of only 29 EFT Founding Masters. Over the last 12 years he has taught thousands of EFT trainees from all over the globe how to transform their physical and emotional health by releasing stress and trauma from their energy systems.

Karl’s first bestselling book, Matrix Reimprinting Using EFT, written with co-author Sasha Allenby was released in 2010. His second Hay House title Transform your Beliefs, Transform your Life, with co-author Kate Marilatt, was released in 2014.

Will Tapping To Negative Phrases Manifest Negative Outcomes?

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Should I avoid negative phrases when tapping-

Question: I am worried that if I say negative phrases while tapping I will bring negative things into my life. How can I use EFT without having to use negative phrases?

I have received this question a lot and there are few reasons why it’s such a common question.

First, some people don't want to focus on the negative because they are worried that they will tap something negative into their system. When we are tapping we are not tapping anything in or anything out of our system. Instead we releasing the thoughts and beliefs that are not useful. It is a process of returning to our natural emotional balance.

Second, some people believe that the subconscious mind does not understand negative statements and take these as statements of desire. For example, the belief is that since your subconscious mind doesn't understand the negative when you say “I don't want to be fat!” the subconscious hears “I want to be fat!”

There is no proof that this is the case (as in this has never been proven in the context of scientific experimentation). AND I could not find an explanation why it would be useful for our subconscious mind to screen out the negative.

I believe it works in exactly the opposite way. Instead of not hearing the negative, I believe that if there is any belief in our subconscious mind about a negative outcome, it will present itself no matter what we say.

Positive v Negative Phrases

Let's take a look at what happens when we are tapping using both negative and positive tapping phrases. For this example we are going to use the issue of wanting to lose weight.

If we used negative phrases we might tap on something like this:

I have failed before at losing weight…and I’m worried that I will fail again…every time I lose the weight it creeps back…but this time will be different…not only do I have a plan to lose the weight…but I have a support system in place…to help me keep it off.

If instead we decided tap with positive phrases, it would go like this:

I am going to lose weight…I am going keep the weight off…I am going to look awesome…I am going to feel so much better.

On the surface it looks as if we are only focusing on the positive, but our internal monologue is very different. Every time one of those phrases is said out loud if there is any part of the system that doesn’t believe the phrase to be true, the critical voice will speak up to voice its objections. It might go something like this:

What is said Out loud: I am going to lose weight.
What the internal critical voice says in response: And then gain it right back.
Out loud: I am going keep the weight off.
Critical voice: No you aren’t. You failed before and you will fail again.
Out loud: I am going to look awesome.
Critical voice: Only for a short while.
Out loud: I am going to feel so much better.
Critical voice: And then the weight will pile back on and you will feel like crap.

You can see that when we only focus only on the positive and there is a part of us that doesn’t believe the positive statement, the negative will show up.

The good news about this that it doesn’t matter if we use positive or negative phrases because either way we will find our way to tapping on the issues needing attention.

Which Should I Tap On?

The question becomes “Should I use positive or negative phrases while tapping?” For me, the answer is both.

If I recognize a specific limiting belief or block, like the fear of gaining the weight back, my tapping will be most effective if I go right at that issue.

At the same time, when I state the goal I want to achieve in the positive I will find my way to negative self-talk and limiting beliefs that I didn’t know existed.

When tapping I recommend that you alternate between positive and negative phrases so that you get both of these benefits.

Pod #234: EFT for Sexual and Porn Addiction w/ Dr. Doug Weiss

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eft for porn and sexual adiction

Addiction to porn and sex can be crippling for individuals and devastating to couples. All types of addictions carry shame, but it is particularly acute where sexual and porn addiction are concerned.

In this conversation Dr. Doug Weiss and I talk about the environmental conditions that can contribute to a sexual and porn addiction, the impact that this type of addiction can have, and how it can be treated.

We also spend some time talking about those with partners suffering from sexual and porn addiction. Often times the loved one of addict doesn't realize that they need help as well. We discuss how the loved ones of addicts can get best care for themselves.

Dr. Doug Weiss
Dr. Doug Weiss

Guest: Dr. Doug Weiss

Contact: web @ DrDougWeiss.com/; facebook @ Doug Weiss; vimeo @ DouglasWeiss; twitter @ drdougweiss

About Doug: Doug is the President of the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy (AASAT). He has developed the Sex Addiction Training program to train therapists and coaches how to treat sexual addiction. The program uses Doug's methodology and modality, as well as his clinical application for treating sexual addiction, providing proven treatment for sexual addiction recovery. He is also Executive Director at Heart to Heart Counseling Center for more than 20 years where he has the opportunity to see many men and women walk in freedom from their sexual addiction.

Pod #233: How Our Values Impact Our Transformation w/ JB Glossinger

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How Our Values Impact Our Transformation 2Before I commit to working with a new client we have a conversation to see if we will be a good fit for each other. First, I ask the potential client what they would like to change in their life. At this point they usually give me a clear description of what is wrong and I follow up by asking what they would like instead.

They are often unable to answer the question because they are so stuck in their problem that they can't clearly see what they would like instead. Without a clear understanding of what we want it’s hard, if not impossible, to move forward.

One the key components of knowing what we want is having a clear idea of what we value. JB Glossinger found that once he was able clearly to name his top six values, changing his life and his lifestyle became much easier.

In this conversation JB and I talk about the importance of naming our values, how to do just that, and how we can take action after our values are clear.

JB Glossinger
JB Glossinger

Guest: JB Glossinger, MBA, Ph.D

Contact: web @ glossinger.com; facebook @ JBGlossinger; twitter @ morningcoach

About JB: JB is a self-described “archaeologist of life”, who has studied human potential, performance, and happiness for over 40 years. He is widely beloved as the MorningCoach, with a daily podcast that has been downloaded over 17 million times. JB is a sought-after motivational speaker and coach with an international following. The Sacred Six is his first book for Hay House.

Pod #232: All About The Tapping Points w/ Beth Kearns

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All About The Tapping Points

Even those just starting out with tapping know that Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) works via the meridian system. I know that when I am explaining tapping to the uninitiated I will just say, “It is like acupuncture without needles.”

When Roger Callahan first developed Thought Field Therapy (TFT), the precursor to EFT, he devised a system of tapping in which specific points were matched to particular issues.

When Gary Craig developed EFT he decided that instead of determining which exact point would be best to tap on, it would be better just tap on all of them.

For years I have wanted to learn more about the complexities of the meridian system. I have also wondered if that knowledge might improve my tapping. In this week’s podcast my conversation with Beth Kearns, an acupuncturist, helped me to figure that out.

Beth Kearns
Beth Kearns

Guest: Beth Kearns

Contact Beth: web @ BethKearnsAcupuncture.com

About Beth: Beth is a fully licensed acupuncturist in the State of Colorado. She is a certified Diplomat (Dipl.Ac) by the National Certification Commission in Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine (NCCAOM). She completed the four-year program at the Institute of Taoist Education and Acupuncture (ITEA) in Louisville, CO. ITEA is a Classical Five-Element Acupuncture school. In addition to acupuncture, Beth is also an advanced Neuro-Structural Integration Technique (NST) practitioner. Beth is a teacher at ITEA and loves sharing this amazing form of acupuncture with students. She is available to bring acupuncture and NST to businesses and groups and give lectures on many topics including acupuncture, depression/anxiety, grief, women’s issues, and much more.