Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

How To Tap For Any Emotion In 10 Easy Steps

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How To Tap For Any Emotion In 10 Easy StepsLightBlue

One of the easiest ways to tap for an issue is by using the storytelling or movie techniques where you are tapping and working through the basic facts of the story. It can be harder to tap on your own when you don’t have a specific story to tap on.

When we feel an emotion strongly but it is not attached to one particular event or situation, it can be hard to find a story to tap through. Here is a simple process you can use to tap on an emotion when you are in this position.

This is also an excellent tool to use when you are teaching someone to tap. If you follow these steps, writing your answers out on a sheet of paper, not only will you have a successful tapping session, but you will also end up with a tapping script that you can use again.

1) Name The Emotion

This seems like an obvious first step, but sometimes we don't name what we are experiencing in detail. The more detail we have, the more effective our tapping will be. There is a difference between anger, rage, and betrayal. On the surface we might simply say we are mad, but as we investigate more thoroughly, we can see the subtleties to the emotions we are feeling.

The Center For Non-Violent Communication has come up with a great list of emotions. Print this out and read it over. It will help you to tune into what you are feeling in detail.

2) Name A Specific Instance

In as much detail as you can come up with, describe one specific occasion when you felt this emotion. Talk about who was there, what was said, what you were thinking at the time, what you are thinking now as you remember it, and all the outcomes of the situation.

Imagine you are sitting across from me in a coffee shop and telling me what happened as if I know none of the details.

3) Rate The Emotion On The SUD Scale

On a scale of 0 to 10 rate how large the emotion feels right now. SUD stands for “Subjective Units of Distress” and the SUD Scale is a subjective rank from 0 (no emotion at all) to 10 (overwhelmed by the emotion to the point it is all you can think about).

4) Describe The Physical Sensations

Describe the physical sensations that go along with the emotion in as much detail as possible. In which part (or parts) of the body do you feel it? Is it hot, tight, heavy, itchy, stiff, trembling, clenching, or some other feeling? Do you feel it in more than one part of your body? Describe each part separately. Is there some sort of mental dialogue going on as you feel the emotion? What is the internal voice saying? Who does the voice sound like? Who does it remind you of?

5) List 3 Things That Went Wrong

Because of the instance you describe above what are (at least) three things that went wrong and how were/are you impacted by these outcomes? Sometimes one moment can impact later events and moments. Don’t just think of what went wrong in the moment, but also how it affected later moments. Again, the more detail you use, the better.

6) List 3 Outcomes You Would Like To Have Happen Instead

After something goes wrong there are ways we would like to see it turn out better. What are (at least) three hopes you have for how this could turn out better in the future? Is there a relationship you would like to see mended? Is there something you would like someone to do? Is there a lesson you would like to learn? It is helpful to name how we would like things to turn out.

7) Re-rate On The SUDS Scale

After doing these steps I always like to re-rate the level of emotion. One of three outcomes are possible.

First, the number could go up. This is because you have now spent time thinking about the issue in detail. Often this tunes us into the issue more sharply so that we notice it more, making it feel bigger.

Second, you might notice that the number goes down. Many times simply getting something out of your head will be enough to diminish its intensity. Our minds can be relentless echo chambers, taking negative thoughts or emotions and bouncing them around over and over again. When we drag them into the light of day they often lose their power.

Finally, there might be no change at all. This simply means that the emotion will need more tapping to get it moving.

8) Start To Tap

Go back to the top of your notes. Start reading what you have written out loud as you tap. At the end of each sentence move to the next tapping point.

This is not a race. There is no reason to rush. As you read what you have written out loud pay close attention to the words you are saying. If you are describing what happened then try to relive what you are saying. If you are describing how you would like to see things turn out in the future, really tune into the emotion of having the new and better outcome.

9) Take Notes While You Are Tapping

As you reread what wrote before it is possible that additional details will come into focus. You may also notice new and even better outcomes around this issue for the future. If these things come to mind it is a good idea to take the time to write them down. Not only will you learn valuable things about this specific issue, but you will also learn things about yourself and the larger scope of this particular emotion.

10) Re-Rate One More Time

After you have read through what you have written and have tapped along, re-rate the issue to see where it is now. If you are down to a zero you are done, if you are not then you have the opportunity to move back to the top of the page and tap again.

Conclusion

It is possible to feel an emotion, tap in the moment, and feel better in that moment without making any lasting change. By taking the time to tap through your emotion in this systematized way, not only will you feel better in the moment, but you will be working towards lasting change.

Download a PDF of this article!

Facing My Fears Unexpectedly Led To Action

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The Cost Of Looking Fear In The Eye

a sink full of dirty dishes made me happyLast year I spent some time trying to figure out what my next venture would be.

Working on a new project that calls on my creativity feeds my soul.

The project I was considering was a new podcast called “Facing Fear”. My plan was to record a weekly podcast where I would explore one of my deepest, darkest fears.

I’m talking about the kind of fears that would have me tossing and turning for hours in the middle of the night.

Fears like:

    • There is nothing exceptional about me.
    • I'm 42. Since I haven't found anyone to love me yet, I never will, and will die alone.
    • I spend too much time worrying about my own crap and my loved ones don't know that I care about them.
    • I am just filling my life with tasks so as to avoid facing my loneliness.
    • At my core I am really a selfish person. I worry more about replacing my computer than I do about the real suffering in the world.

 

I know. It’s upbeat stuff. My heart aches a little just in typing that list.

Each morning I set aside a little time to work on the project.

My list grew and grew as I tried to find the ten “best” fears for the first set of shows. I started outlining short essays about each fear and what I believed to be the root cause.

I found myself practicing the wording about the fears for the recordings while I was in the shower or on my exercise bike.

Then something really unexpected happened…

One afternoon I went to get a glass of water and there were no glasses in my cupboard.

A Pile Of Dishes In The Sink And No Clean Bowls Or Glasses

I know that an empty cupboard isn't really such an odd thing but let's consider a few facts.

    • I live alone.
    • I have at least a dozen glasses.
    • When I am looking for an excuse to be busy and feel productive I do dishes.

 

That last point is the important one.

Whenever I am trying to avoid my worries about things that feel dangerous or overwhelming I head straight to my kitchen and clean.

In that moment I noticed that my counter and sink were cluttered with dishes. Almost every dish I owned was visible and dirty.

And the reason was because I was so busy doing more important tasks that I wasn't feeling the negative emotions about those tasks.

By thinking about this new podcast I was facing my fears head on and healing them.

I have never been so happy to see a pile of dirty dishes in my life!

It Wasn't Just Clearing Core Issues. There Was Another Key Factor

I need to be clear it wasn't just a matter of facing my fears. Three key factors created the change:

    1. I named my fears fully and honestly.
    2. I thought about the root causes of those fears in a systematic way.
    3. I was working towards a clear set of goals.

 

Wallowing in my fears would not have been helpful. That can become self-indulgent and unhealthy.

Taking the time to uproot the fears meant that I was healing and feeling better BUT real transformation only happened because I had a clearly-defined list of goals and I was able to step into action.

The Right Number Of Goals

I think there was also a secondary factor that contributed to my success in taking action: I had the right number of goals.

There have been times in my life where I have had a full page of detailed goals. Goals for my personal life, my physical health, my spiritual growth, and my business.

It’s great to have that sort of clarity, but in truth I have found it difficult to commit to working towards so many goals.

Around the time I started working on the fear project I had pared down my list of goals to just three.

I wasn't saying that my life was perfect or that I only needed to work on three goals but by focusing on just three I was able to give each one the attention required to make real progress. I had learned that spreading myself too thinly meant that I wasn't moving forward with anything.

You Can Do This Too!

I want you to have the opportunity to experience what I did.

I want you to have the opportunity to find and clear the core issues holding you back. I want you to have a clear idea of what you want AND I want to support you so you don’t have to figure this out on your own.

In the past I have offered 8-month programs which have been more geared toward business owners.

This winter I am offering a 4-month program focused on transformation in your daily life.

This program will help you to get clear about what you want, uncover what is holding you back, and guide you as you clear those issues systematically.

Here Is What The Program Includes:

This will be in the format of a 3-hour phone or Skype call, which will be recorded. (Yes, we will take breaks as needed.) At the end of the call we will have a clear plan with well-framed goals and benchmarks to measure your progress along the way. (Assessments, planning sessions, tap-along audio, clearly articulated goals, and plan – $1000 value)

[Note: We don't have to do this as a call. You are welcome to come to NYC and we can do this work together in person. I will even buy you lunch!]

After each call you will receive an audio recording of the session so that you can return to the tapping we did AND you will be given a tapping code that you can do twice a day to help you to continue clearing the issues covered during the session.

    • Goal, Asset, and Obstacle Assessment – Before we can begin we need to know where you are right now in your life. This assessment is designed to help us gain a clear picture of the obstacles you face and your unaccessed assets to allow you to reach your goals (even if you aren’t quite sure what they are right now).

       

    • Core Issue Assessment – Most of my clients have one or two core issues holding them back in many areas of their life. This assessment will help us to zero in on those core issues to guide our work.

       

    • Assessment Prep Tap-Along Audio – Starting a process like this can feel a little scary. You might be worried that we will uncover something awful or that you will do the assessment wrong. There are no right or wrong answers in these assessments but to make it easier for you I have created a tap-along audio to help you to feel comfortable and safe as you go through the process.

       

    • Kick Start Planning Call And Long Term Plan – After you have completed the assessments and I have had the chance to study them we will create your personal plan. During this call we’ll define your focus for the program in the form of three goals. We will also find clarity on which core issues we will target head on.

       

    • 14 Weekly 45-Minute Coaching and Tapping Calls – Each week we will have a 45-minute call in which we will review the week’s progress, tap for any new issues that have arisen, tap on the core issues standing in the way of progress, and create very specific actions steps to be taken over the next week. ($2100 value)
    • Weekly SOS Tapping Call – Sometimes issues and resistance to taking action pop up. I would hate for you to feel like you have to wait for our next call to receive tapping help. Every week you will have the opportunity to have one 15-minute SOS call where you can jump on the phone and do a little tapping with me. ($700 value)

       

    • Email Support – This is something that I only offer to clients working with me for a long period of time. I will respond to any email within 24 hours. This is a great way to get questions answered promptly and keep you moving toward your goals.

       

    • Advanced Tapping Techniques – In this 8-hour audio training course I teach you exactly how I tap, the tools I use in client sessions and when I am working on my own, and how to know which tools to use in each situation. ($497 value)

       

    • 10 Question Process – I use this process for tasks as small as rearranging my office and as big as creating a new product line. In over 3 hours of audios I will teach you the process so you can use it again and again to figure out your next steps and name the core issues getting in your way. ($187 value)

       

    • 6 Months Access To The Ruach Center – The Ruach Center is a membership website that has over 200 tapping audios and hours of instruction to help you to eliminate self-sabotage and take action. Every morning you will receive email with a link to a new tap-along audio to help you start off your day on the right foot. ($97 value)

       

 

[Note: If you purchased Advanced Tapping Techniques or the 10 Questions Process in the last six months I will apply that purchase price to the cost of this program.]

Yes, This Is A Serious Investment.

That is over $4800 in products and personalized service.

I am offering this program for an investment of $3750. (There is also a four month payment plan available.)

Yes, this is a serious investment.

BUT that is exactly what it is, an investment in yourself. This isn't about the next four months or about achieving some short term goals.

The transformation on offer will be carried with you throughout your life. The skills you learn through this transformation will be useful again and again in the future.

Is This Right For You?

This isn't for everyone. Like I said above, I can only to work with 8 people in this program.

We need to make sure that we are a good fit. I don't want you to waste your time and money. If you are interested I need you to fill out a short application (it is only four questions). After I read the application I will get in touch with you. If we seem like a good fit I’ll set up a time for us to talk so we can have a conversation to see if that is the case.

Then and only then, we will begin.

If this is going to work it has to be the right fit. This is non-negotiable for me and it should be non-negotiable for you too.

Are you interested? Then click the link and fill out the application.

>> Yes! I am ready to clear the core issues holding me back and achieve my goals!

If you have any questions just reply to this note and I will answer anything you have.

I look forward to serving you,

Gene

PS: Remember, when we clear a core issue related to a goal we are not just clearing it for that goal, but for all areas of our life. When you do this work the effect will ripple into all areas of your life and not just for four months, but for the rest of your life. Join me on this journey.

PPS: If you are a small business owner and are looking for something more comprehensive geared to growing your business reply to this message so we can set up a longer conversation.

The Problem With “I Should”

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ShouldShouldntAndOughtToA few weeks ago in When You Explain Cause And Effect Wrong It Makes Your Life Harder I started with:

When I am listening to my clients talk about their issues I am not just listening for the meaning of what they are sharing, but I am also listening to the very specific words they are using.

The words we use to describe something will impact the way we understand a situation which then in turn impacts our emotional response to the situation.

The example I love to use is when my client “Deb” said “Everyone at work hates me!”

I asked, “Really, everyone?”

She replied, “No. It's really just Dave and Sue.”

You can see the emotional difference between “everyone” hating us and just two people hating us. (And that doesn't even get into if they really do hate Deb.)

Should, Shouldn't And Ought To

This week we are looking at another way in which we use language that leads us to respond to our daily experience in ways that aren’t useful. In this article we are examining the words “should”, “shouldn't” and “ought to”.

The problem with these words is that often we give them too much weight.

When we say should or ought what we mean is “it would be my preference to have” but on an emotional level it feels like “I have failed because I haven't.”

The same is true with shouldn't. What we mean is “it would be my preference not to have” but we feel it as “I failed because I did.”

Let's look at a few examples.

“I should have gotten more work done today.”
* What we mean when we say this: “In order to stay on track with this project I would have liked to have gotten more done today.”
* What we feel when we say this: “I have failed today because I don't live up to my expectations.”

“I should have been born in a different era.”
* What we mean when we say this: “Because of my world view and preferences my life might be more enjoyable if I had been born at a different time.”
* What we feel when we say this: “I am in the wrong time and this will always be painful for me.”

“You shouldn't be mad at me.”
* What we mean when we say this: “It hurts me that you are mad at me and you might feel differently if you have more information.”
* What we feel when we say this: “You are not allowed to feel this way and you are betraying me by doing so.”

You can see the clear emotional difference between what we mean and what we end up feeling. In all of these examples what we feel will have a much stronger (and often much less healthy) response to what is going on.

My Preference Would Be

When one of my clients uses a should, ought to, or shouldn't I generally ask a the question “What proof do you have that it has to be this way?” Often this is enough to help them to see they are turning an opinion or preference into a fact.

When you are doing work on your own and you notice you are use one of these words, try the simple step of replacing them with “it would be my preference”.

“I should have gotten more work done today” becomes “It would have been my preference to have gotten more work done today.” It is also helpful to ask the reason why. So this example now becomes “It would have been my preference to have gotten more work done today because then we would still be on track and I wouldn't be rushing around.”

There is still an emotional charge to that statement, but instead of feeling like a failure we feel a little rushed or overwhelmed because of the work we need to do. Even though the second emotion is also negative it is easier to respond to it in a healthier way.

Sometimes We Really Should Do Something

There will be some cases where using the word should is helpful and we don't want to make the substitution.

For example, “I should not embezzle money from my employer” is more accurate than “It would be my preference not to embezzle money from my employer.”

If you are looking for more resources about how to respond to the things you should do check out EFT For Shoulders And Shoulds where Gwenn Bonnell shares a simple tapping process for things you feel like you should do.

When You Explain Cause And Effect Wrong It Makes Your Life Harder

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ThisDidNotCauseThat

When I am listening to my clients talk about their issues I am not just listening for the meaning of what they are sharing, but I am also listening to the very specific words they are using.

The words we use to describe something will impact the way we understand a situation which then in turn impacts our emotional response to the situation.

The example I love to use is when my client “Deb” said “Everyone at work hates me!”

I asked, “Really, everyone?”

She replied, “No. It's really just Dave and Sue.”

You can see the emotional difference between “everyone” hating us and just two people hating us. (And that doesn't even get into if they really do hate Deb.)

For this reason I pick apart my clients’ speech pattern to understand what is really going on vs. what they are responding to emotionally.

Cause And Effect

One of the places we commonly make the mistake of using words that do not line up with reality is in cause and effect statements.

We use cause and effect statements all the time.

  • (cause) Because I was late (effect) I missed out on the sale.
  • (cause) Because I didn't return her phone call (effect) she didn't know I was coming.
  • (effect) I can now legally work with clients (cause) because I passed the certification exam.
  • (cause) I forgot to close the shades (effect) so I didn't sleep in because of the sun coming in the window.

That is not too complicated. The problem comes when we start making statements that aren't accurate in describing their cause and effect relationship.

  • (effect) Thing went wrong this morning (cause) because it's Monday.
  • (cause) Smoking (effect) causes cancer.
  • (effect) I don't have a girlfriend (cause) because the men in my family are bad at relationships.

On the surface all three of these statements seem reasonable, but there are logical flaws in all of them which illustrated with a question or two.

Thing went wrong this morning because it's Monday. Do things go wrong every Monday? Do things not go wrong on other days of the week?

Smoking causes cancer. Does everyone who smoke get cancer?

I don't have a girlfriend because the men in my family are bad at relationships. Are all men in your family bad at relationships?

In all three cases the statements work in absolutes which lead us to react emotionally to situations in a particular way. But when we are able to see the statements for what they are then we are able to react in less emotional fashion.

Ask Questions About The Extremes

The way that we put this knowledge to use is to question our own statements. If there is something you are struggling with write down a statement that describes what you believe about the situation.

Once you have done this start to question it at the extremes. Is it really always this way? Is it really never this way? Does this outcome happen for other reasons?

By doing this we can see things more clearly which will help us to respond in a healthier way.

Can’t Keep Up? 6 Ways to Simplify Your Daily EFT Routine

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SimplifyLearning EFT can be very exciting at first. Tapping is so easy.

Anyone can do it!

It can be done anywhere!

It seems to work for everything!

You download podcasts, tapping scripts, and ebooks. You attend online seminars and sign up for programs. You start working on a personal peace procedure (listing every bad memory you have in your life to tap on in turn). You decide you are going to tap for your health, your relationships, your creativity, and getting a better job.

And then…

It just becomes too much!

[Read more…] about Can't Keep Up? 6 Ways to Simplify Your Daily EFT Routine

They Would Arrest You If They Could Hear Your Thoughts

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If-They-Could-Hear-Your-ThoughtsA number of years ago Andy Hunt wrote an interesting article on his site Practical Wellbeing that has stuck with me.

In Self-Hate Speech he looks at the hate speech laws of the UK and asked the question of how would law enforment respond to you if they heard the words you thought about yourself.

I don't know about you, but I am certainly capable of thinking some nasty things about myself.

In addition to thinking nasty, hateful things about ourselves, for some reason we also give those thoughts much more weight than the positive thoughts..

[Read more…] about They Would Arrest You If They Could Hear Your Thoughts

Getting Past The Extinction Burst

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Extinction-BurstYou have been there before. You are trying to make a change, like giving up sweets.

The first day is hard. The second is harder. The third day, for some unknown reason, is really easy. You feel awesome. You are making progress. Real change is happening.

Then along comes day four…

You come home from work and you find yourself eating one little piece of candy. You think, “This is no big deal. It is only one piece.”

Then it is two, then four, and then the bag is empty and you think, “Screw it! It’s too late!” and you devour every sweet in the house plus some potato chips for good measure.

Within moments you’re filled with shame and self-loathing. You wake up the next morning feeling defeated.

The Extinction Burst

What you have just experienced is an “extinction burst”. I think David McRaney described extinction burst perfectly when he writes: “a predictable and common blast of defiance from the recesses of a brain denied familiar rewards.”

In more common terms you are in the process of making a change and some part of your system is not getting what it wants, it is royally pissed off, and so it does whatever it can to get what it wants.

In our example, the body was expecting a feel good sugar high from sweets. When it didn’t get what it wanted it it turned you into an emotional monster that was willing to eat everything in sight.

What You Can Do To Overcome The Extinction Burst

First, knowledge is power. When we know that something troubling is coming (aka an inflection point) we are much more likely to make a good choice if we have a plan to deal with it.

Imagine this is like the fire drill you practiced as a kid at school. If there ever was a fire you would know exactly what to do.

The way I deal with this is when I feel an extinction burst coming on I name it and tap for it. It looks something like this:

Right now my system is throwing a bit of a temper tantrum…It wants its needs met in a way that I know is unhealthy…I know I could easily give in to its needs…And I would feel better for about 7 seconds…But then I would feel really awful and disappointed in myself…I am making choices that are going to serve me in the long term…If I can last through this extinction burst then the habit of making better choices will be stronger…I am stronger than this…And I am worthy of making the better long-term choice.

Do you think saying this out loud and tapping is silly? You're right. But since the first of the year I have effectively fought off donuts, chocolate, and white bread just like this.

Second, understand your system is seeking to have a need filled when you are having an extinction burst. As I was working my way off sweets my body was having a hard time because it needed them. In the first 3 days where I completely cut all carbohydrates out of my diet I was having headaches in exactly the say way I had caffeine withdrawal when I cut down on coffee a few months ago.

Even when I am tapping for fighting the extinction burst there is still an underlying need for pleasure or comfort or relaxation that requires satisfaction. It’s a good idea to plan how you you can meet that need in another way.

When my friend was quitting smoking she realized that part of the reason she was doing it was because she was looking for an excuse to go outside to get away from her crazy co-workers. So when she craved a cigarette she took a walk around the block instead to give her a break from the office.

When I was cutting out carbs it was permissible for me to have a teaspoon of all natural almond butter. When the extinction burst showed up and I wanted to eat everything I would allow myself the little treat and it got me through the afternoon.

Third, it is important to have clearly defined, measurable stepping stone goals so that you can reward yourself for reaching them as you work towards a bigger goal.

For me, I usually experienced an extinction burst when there was some unmet emotional need. I am much less likely to have emotional needs when I am feeling good about myself and my progress.

To boost my self-esteem I celebrate my successes along the way. For example, every time I lost another 3 lbs of body fat I would go to one of my favorite places in NYC and take photos.

Getting outside, with no work responsibilities, trying to find beauty, and give myself a chance to work on being a better photographer is a real treat for me.

By allowing myself a chance to celebrate my successes I was much more likely to have the will to make good choices as I kept working towards my goals.

Unfortunately (And Fortunately) It Is A Natural Thing

Unfortunately, extinction bursts are something that everyone experiences when they are trying to change a habit.

Fortunately, extinction bursts are something that everyone goes through. You are not crazy. You didn't fail miserably. AND you are not alone. Because this is something we all go through. You will notice the use of the the word “predictable” in the definition above. It is not a matter of if this is going to happen, but when.

But with the right planning and preparation we can respond to it in a way that doesn't derail our goals.

Before It Is Too Late

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Too-LateOver the last few weeks my Facebook timeline has been filled with memorials.

First, a friend and colleague, Mark, died suddenly of a heart attack. Second, American sports news personality Stuart Scott died from the cancer he had fighting for years.

The flood of kind words, memories, well wishes for the families, and stories of learning from the lives of the deceased was amazing. I discovered things about two men I admired that I didn't know. I was touched to know how the lives of so many were deeply affected because of the admirable way that these two men lived.

[Read more…] about Before It Is Too Late

Tapping To Let Go Of Pleasing Others (w/ tapping script)

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Back in April Seth Godin wrote on his blog:

You will never, ever run out of strangers.

And so, the goal of perfectly pleasing an infinite number of passersby is a fool's errand. They come with their own world view, their own issues, their own biases.

Not only is this true for a world full of strangers, it is also true for the much smaller group of people in your life.

No two people you know are alike, have the same world view, or will be pleased by the same things.

Every choice you make about your life risks disappointing someone.

That is just a fact of life.

[Read more…] about Tapping To Let Go Of Pleasing Others (w/ tapping script)

The Problem With Priorities, Overwhelm, And How To Tap For Them (w/ Tapping Script)

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You-eventually-learn that-true

Merlin Mann is a technologist, a productivity specialist, and a professional provocateur. I mention the last part because he has the tendency to say things that are true and useful, but in a rather blunt way.

During one of his fabulous podcasts (Back To Work) he was describing a question and answer session with a group of top level executives at a very large company.

One of the execs was asking about how to manage her time and her inbox. She was describing how she had so many priorities that it was impossible to get anything done.

Merlin asked her how many priorities she had. Without skipping a beat she replied, “Twenty-seven!”

Merlin’s response: “You eventually learn that true priorities are like arms; if you think you have more than a couple, you're either lying or crazy.”

[Read more…] about The Problem With Priorities, Overwhelm, And How To Tap For Them (w/ Tapping Script)

The Root Of My Issues

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Can't see the image? Click display. Last week I met up with a friend to catch up over a couple of drinks.

As always, the topic of my dating life came up. Since we had last chatted there wasn't anything new to share.

Interesting first dates that didn't lead to second dates. Dates who were really interested and interesting who ended up ghosting [1]. Chances to try new restaurants and bars in the city.

Really, it was just more of the same.

My friend said incredulously, “I don't know what is wrong with them!” referring to the women I’d dated.

I appreciated the support but I was stuck by one fact.

Every single one these interactions had one thing in common.

It wasn't the way I was treated. It wasn't the fact that I felt undervalued or misunderstood.

And that one thing?

ME!

Patterns

When doing any sort of analysis or problem solving one of the fundamental principles I use is: “Once is an anomaly. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.”

When I look at my dating/relationship history honestly (or as honestly as any of us can do with self-reflection) I see lots of patterns: spending time with the wrong people, dating people with only a short term goal in mind, and not communicating clearly (as in not letting my ‘no’ mean ‘no’ and my ‘yes’ mean ‘yes’).

I don't have control over the people who choose to go out with me, but I do control the type of people I seek, how I seek them, and how I act once I have connected with them.

Almost all of my recent dating experience has at least one of those things in common (most have more than one).

Things I Can Change

Because of this revelation I have decided that I need to spend some time daily tapping on my relationship fears. All of my unhelpful patterns can be traced back to my fears around being seen and being rejected.

Doing this work doesn't mean that I will end up in a lasting love relationship, but it does mean that I am much less likely to continue making the choices standing in the way of that type of relationship.

Taking Responsibility

This work is not about fault or claiming that we are the sole creator of everything we experience. Others have free will and their choices impact us.

This work IS about taking responsibility for ourselves and our role in creating our experience. It is about recognizing that we are present for all of our issues.

What this means for me is that I need to look clearly at my own experience, recognize the parts for which I am responsible, and take ownership of those parts.

If this is something you would like to do too, here are some tapping phrases to start you on the right path:

I recognize the fact that there are things in the world beyond my control…I recognize that there are things in the world that I DO control…And I recognize that I tend to believe I have much less control than I actually do…I am not the sole creator of my experience…I am co-creating my day and my life with everyone I interact with…I choose to take responsibility for the things that I do control…I can control my thoughts…I can control my emotions…I can control my actions…Often it is easier to let the world act on me and my life…It is easier just to react…Claiming that I don't have control…Today I choose to take more responsibility for my own life…Today I choose to recognize that I am present in all my issues…Today I choose to recognize that I can make different choices…This doesn't mean everything will change all at once…But by being more aware I am more likely to make better choices…Regardless of what choice I make next…I know I can learn from that choice as well.

I hope you find this point of view helpful.

I know it is changing the way I live day to day.

[1] Ghosting: the act of disappearing in a phantom-like fashion from someone you are seeing.

I Feel Sad…I Am Not Sad

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In all of the training I have done to improve myself as a practitioner, learning about NLP meta-models has been some of my favorite.

At its simplest, it looks at the way people use language to describe the world. Often by examining the way people talk we can identify the beliefs causing distress.

Here is a simple example. Recently one of my clients “Debbie” said, “Everyone at work hates me.” My follow up question was, “Really, everyone?”

It is possible but highly unlikely that everyone at work hates Debbie. But if she walks into the office every morning believing that everyone hates her then she will be constantly on the defensive and prepared for attack.

When I ask, “Really, everyone?” she replied, “Well, no, not everyone.” By using the correct language to describe what was truly going on we were able to find our way to the real problem and address it.

[Read more…] about I Feel Sad…I Am Not Sad

The Dirty Secret About Being Successful

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The other night I had a vivid dream.

It was about a group of five friends in their early 20s who moved to New York City to pursue careers in entertainment. In the dream I didn't know the five of them well but I think they were friends of a friend.

I was helping them to find their way in the city, like so many did for me when I moved here.

In the dream they had been in the city for a few months, they had established themselves and we were meeting for drinks.

As we were chatting I kept asking them, “Are you here for the adventure and story of pursuing something in NYC or are you here to be successful?”

They just looked at me and shrugged. They didn't understand my question.

The Story Of Success Vs. Success

For a year and a half I pretended that I was moving to New York City.

I would catch up with friends and they would ask what is going on in my life. I would excitedly tell them, “I'm moving to New York!”

In most cases they would be excited for me. “That sounds like such a great adventure.”

Looking forward to something fun felt great. My friends shared the thrill vicariously by daydreaming a little about adventure and what it might be like for them to make a big change.

Then the conversation would move on and we would move on.

But I was no closer to taking action.

[Read more…] about The Dirty Secret About Being Successful

Why You Are So Scared To Take Action

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There are lots of reasons why we don't take action.

In the end most of those reasons boil down to fear.

We are afraid that we will fail, be judged, look stupid, show that we aren't good enough, prove that we aren't worthy of success…and the list goes on.

Sometimes we are able to name our fear clearly but often it is something indistinct that is holding us back, bubbling away in the background.

It makes perfect sense that fear would hold us back from taking action. Fear is a vital primitive response that kicks in when danger threatens our safety. It keeps us safe.

So fear is not the problem.

The problem is when fear shows up in the absence of danger or when we experience fear much larger than is warranted for the situation.

How Big Does The Fear Need To Be?

One of the things I love about NYC in the warmer months is cycling around the city. I put on my helmet and off I go. But that wasn't always the case.

I can remember when I moved to Washington, DC to go to university. The first time I rode a bike in a major city was a scary experience. I was not used to being just inches away from cars or having to avoid parked cars everywhere.

I grew up in a small town in Wyoming where most cars were parked in driveways, the roads were wide, and with the exception of a few major roadways there was very little traffic.

The difference between today and my first ride in a major city is lots of experience. I don't cycle in a carefree, thoughtless way today, but because of my experience I know which situations are dangerous and which aren't.

The Problem Of No Experience

A lack of experience when we are trying new things is one of the reasons that fear crops up. The part of us trying to keep us safe doesn't know how things are going to turn out so it over reacts and perceives situations as more dangerous than they really are.

The fear of the unknown creates a situation where it is very hard to take action.

How To Tap Before The Action

I find tapping before I try something new really helpful. When I spend a few moments tapping to clear my resistance and fear it allows me to move forward without feeling paralyzed or overwhelmed.

The tapping looks something like this:

I understand that I am about to try something new…And because it’s something that I don't have a great deal of experience with…There is a part of me that is hesitant…There is a part of me that is worried this won’t work out…There is a part of me that is worried that I don't even know the right things to be worried about…But I have done new things before…And I have done them successfully…I’m not going to rush in blindly…I am not going to be careless…Or thoughtless…But I trust myself enough to know that I will learn from this attempt…I know that I don’t have to do it perfectly the first time…The next time I do it I will do it better…And I choose to be calm and confident as I embrace this new experience.

After tapping in this fashion I know that I am more likely to take action AND with lowered stress levels my action feels more comfortable and manageable.

Clearing The Fear

If you are looking for help with clearing the fears (named and unnamed) you have before taking action I would encouge you to check out the Ruach Center where you will find over 280 tap-along audios. More than 100 of them are geared towards clearing resistance to action, which shows up in the form of fear.

Can I Tap For More Willpower?

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Recently I was working with a client I’ll call “Devon”. During our call she was giving me an update on her week and her progress with her to-do list.

She said, “Things are going really well. I’m starting each day with the tapping we talked about and I’m making lots of good choices in the morning. The problem is that by the end of the day I seem to have no willpower left. Is it possible to tap for more willpower?”

My answer to this was, “No and sort of.”

Let me explain…

[Read more…] about Can I Tap For More Willpower?

Fail Forward Fast

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A few weeks ago I wrote about the main reasons we don't take action is fear.

Of all the fears we experience the one my clients talk about most is the fear of failure and the consequences that come with failure, such as the waste of time, feeling embarrassed that others have seen us fail, and missing an opportunity, to name just a few.

The truth is that often failing is the best thing that can happen to us because of how much we learn about failure.

Ready! Fire! Aim!

There is a common misconception about the skill of sharpshooters. Most people believe that they are so skilled and prepare so much for a shot that when they fire they are prefect.

In reality, particularly for long distance shots, they quickly line up the best shot they can and once they have fired, they follow the trajectory of the bullet. When they see where their first shot lands they have a better understanding of the conditions (like wind). They rapidly adjust and fire again.

The second bullet is fired so quickly that their target hasn't had a chance to respond to the first shot.

You could see the first shot as a failure as it missed the target, but because a lot was learned from the first shot, the second is much more precise.

Fail Forward Fast

When successful business men and women are asked what they would do differently in growing their businesses a common response is, “I would have made my mistakes much quicker. I didn't know what I didn't know and my assumptions were flawed. Only through trial and error did I find my way to the right path.”

In the first press conference after Cam Cameron was hired as head coach of the Miami Dolphins he declared that the team was going to “fail forward fast”. He was setting the tone for his players and coaches that mistakes were OK as long as they were made in the right direction and lessons were learned from them.

Not Failing For Failure's Sake

It’s important to note in the sharpshooter example that the first shot is fired with thought, training, and experience. Once a reasonable shot is lined up feedback is gathered from the results.

When we take action we are not doing it mindlessly or carelessly. We are not seeking failure just so we can claim progress from it.

Instead we are doing enough planning to take a reasonable action that will move us forward and if we do fail we will also have the opportunity to learn from it.

Here is a simple way to tap to help you to take action when the fear of failure is holding you back:

There is a part of me that is afraid that I will fail…Failure is no fun..Failure hurts…Failure shows others I can't do this…Failure is a waste of time…Failure is a waste of an opportunity…Because I am worried about failure I am not taking action…I recognize the fact that everything I can do today…At some point I couldn't do it…And I failed many times while learning how to do it…When I fail I am gaining real world experience…And that will help me to make better choices next time…I will never get it perfect by planning and planning and planning…At some point I need to take action…I am not going to be careless…And I am not going to be thoughtless…I give myself permission to take action knowing I won’t be perfect…Because I can make progress and be successful without having to be perfect…I have survived failure before and I will survive it again…I am not failing just to fail…I am not seeking failure…But when it happens I will make the most of it.

Clearing The Fear

If you are looking for help clearing the fears (named and unnamed) you have before taking action I would encourage you to check out the Ruach Center where you will find over 280 tap-along audios, with over 100 of them geared towards clearing resistance to action which shows up in the form of fear.

There are over 45 minutes of tap-along audios geared to dealing with the fear of failure and over 30 minutes designed specifically to clear the need to be perfect before taking action.

Just Because We Can Try It On Anything Doesn’t Mean It Works For Everything

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I love the emails that I receive from my readers. (You can always email me directly.)

At least once a day I receive some version of the question: “What are the tapping phrases I should use for [insert issues]?”

This question is flawed in two ways.

First, the words we use are not magic. There are no “right” words to tap to. (I address this in “The Most Misunderstood Part Of Tapping: The Words You Say”.)

Second, there are times when tapping isn't going to solve the problem.

For example, one of my clients recently started our session with, “I am having trouble sitting down to build the website for my business. I would like to tap for that.”

I didn't ask about emotional issues. I didn't ask what she was afraid of. I didn't ask about past childhood traumas with computers.

I asked, “Do you know how to build a website?”

She said, “No.”

[Read more…] about Just Because We Can Try It On Anything Doesn't Mean It Works For Everything

You Can’t Think Your Way Out Of Irrational Fear

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[Note: If I were to boil down the root cause for why people don't take action it would be fear. Today we are going to explore fear and how it impacts our capacity to take action.]

Of all the emotions that we experience, fear is the most powerful.

I don't mean that it is the strongest emotion. In my experience that is sadness.

When I say fear is the strongest what I mean is that if we are feeling a number of different emotions at once, fear will override all others.

[Read more…] about You Can't Think Your Way Out Of Irrational Fear

Your Goals Are Holding You Back

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I am a huge fan of goal setting!

About once a year I sit down to craft out my goals for the next year. Once a month I look at my goals and rewrite them to meet the changes in my life. Every Monday morning I spend a few minutes reading and tapping with my goals.

I have found that goal setting has been hugely beneficial in my life and I don't say that in a “I feel better” way. There is tangible evidence that I am more productive, happier, and healthier because of setting goals.

But there is a dark side to goal setting.

Sometimes we set the wrong goal.
[Read more…] about Your Goals Are Holding You Back

You Are Acting Too Responsible AND It Is Hurting You

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I'm lucky.

My life is filled with caring people. People who go much more than the extra mile to take care others. They are thoughtful, they are insightful, and they often know the needs of their loved ones before their loved ones do.

When I see this type of love, care, and concern I am inspired.

And I am heartbroken.

Give Too Much
The problem that very insightful and caring people have is that because they so clearly see the suffering and needs of other that they often put other people's needs first.

Well, that is not true.

Often they put other people's needs first, second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth.

When this happens they end up putting themselves last.

Not only does this make it harder to pursue their goals but there are times where they end up hurting themselves.

Creating Boundaries
Once we realize that we are giving too much we realize that we need to start creating boundaries.

There are two problems with this.

One, we feel like we are letting other people down. We feel like we are being selfish. We feel like we are no longer being caring. Or at the extreme we can feel like because we are not taking care of others we are actively hurting them.

Two, it is hard to recalibrate relationships after we have created a precedent of us always taking care of the needs of others first.

I was talking to my sister last week about this idea and her struggle to create boundaries with some of her co-workers. She said something that I think rings true.

I need to be a responsible adult. I am not responsible for my co-workers.

I really think that sums it up perfectly.

It puts us in the right frame of mind. We are not saying we don't care. We are not saying we are only thinking of ourselves. We are saying that we are going to be responsible adults.

Responsible adults help those in desperate need. Responsible adults are thoughtful about how their actions impact others.

But at the same time we are not taking responsibility for someone else's life or actions. They need to do that.

I need to be a responsible adult. I am not responsible for my co-workers.

For me that statement cuts a nice middle ground of not giving up and not taking on too much.

Tapping To Create Boundaries
If you are struggling to create boundaries in your life the first thing I would do is to take my sisters phrase “I need to be a responsible adult. I am not responsible for other.” and just tap on that over and over again.

Next, I would take these aspects one at a time and tap for them

  • I feel like I am letting other people down.
  • I feel like I am being selfish.
  • I feel like I am no longer being caring.
  • I feel like I am actively hurting others by caring for myself.

If you are looking for support in helping to clear this issue there are lots of tap-along audios around letting others down, being selfish, and how others will respond to you if you are following your goals in the Ruach Center.

There you will find over 160 tap-along audios (with more added each week) and there are a number of them are focused on creating boundaries and being able to put ourselves first. Full details: Ruach Center.