Tapping To Let Go Of Pleasing Others (w/ tapping script)

October 5, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

Back in April Seth Godin wrote on his blog:

You will never, ever run out of strangers.

And so, the goal of perfectly pleasing an infinite number of passersby is a fool’s errand. They come with their own world view, their own issues, their own biases.

Not only is this true for a world full of strangers, it is also true for the much smaller group of people in your life.

No two people you know are alike, have the same world view, or will be pleased by the same things.

Every choice you make about your life risks disappointing someone.

That is just a fact of life.

The Problem With Priorities, Overwhelm, And How To Tap For Them (w/ Tapping Script)

September 22, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

Merlin Mann is a technologist, a productivity specialist, and a professional provocateur. I mention the last part because he has the tendency to say things that are true and useful, but in a rather blunt way.

During one of his fabulous podcasts (Back To Work) he was describing a question and answer session with a group of top level executives at a very large company.

One of the execs was asking about how to manage her time and her inbox. She was describing how she had so many priorities that it was impossible to get anything done.

Merlin asked her how many priorities she had. Without skipping a beat she replied, “Twenty-seven!”

Merlin’s response: “You eventually learn that true priorities are like arms; if you think you have more than a couple, you’re either lying or crazy.”

The Root Of My Issues

September 7, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

Last week I met up with a friend to catch up over a couple of drinks.

As always, the topic of my dating life came up. Since we had last chatted there wasn’t anything new to share.

Interesting first dates that didn’t lead to second dates. Dates who were really interested and interesting who ended up ghosting [1]. Chances to try new restaurants and bars in the city.

Really, it was just more of the same.

My friend said incredulously, “I don’t know what is wrong with them!” referring to the women I’d dated.

I appreciated the support but I was stuck by one fact.

Every single one these interactions had one thing in common.

It wasn’t the way I was treated. It wasn’t the fact that I felt undervalued or misunderstood.

And that one thing?

ME!

Patterns

When doing any sort of analysis or problem solving one of the fundamental principles I use is: “Once is an anomaly. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.”

When I look at my dating/relationship history honestly (or as honestly as any of us can do with self-reflection) I see lots of patterns: spending time with the wrong people, dating people with only a short term goal in mind, and not communicating clearly (as in not letting my ‘no’ mean ‘no’ and my ‘yes’ mean ‘yes’).

I don’t have control over the people who choose to go out with me, but I do control the type of people I seek, how I seek them, and how I act once I have connected with them.

Almost all of my recent dating experience has at least one of those things in common (most have more than one).

Things I Can Change

Because of this revelation I have decided that I need to spend some time daily tapping on my relationship fears. All of my unhelpful patterns can be traced back to my fears around being seen and being rejected.

Doing this work doesn’t mean that I will end up in a lasting love relationship, but it does mean that I am much less likely to continue making the choices standing in the way of that type of relationship.

Taking Responsibility

This work is not about fault or claiming that we are the sole creator of everything we experience. Others have free will and their choices impact us.

This work IS about taking responsibility for ourselves and our role in creating our experience. It is about recognizing that we are present for all of our issues.

What this means for me is that I need to look clearly at my own experience, recognize the parts for which I am responsible, and take ownership of those parts.

If this is something you would like to do too, here are some tapping phrases to start you on the right path:

I recognize the fact that there are things in the world beyond my control…I recognize that there are things in the world that I DO control…And I recognize that I tend to believe I have much less control than I actually do…I am not the sole creator of my experience…I am co-creating my day and my life with everyone I interact with…I choose to take responsibility for the things that I do control…I can control my thoughts…I can control my emotions…I can control my actions…Often it is easier to let the world act on me and my life…It is easier just to react…Claiming that I don’t have control…Today I choose to take more responsibility for my own life…Today I choose to recognize that I am present in all my issues…Today I choose to recognize that I can make different choices…This doesn’t mean everything will change all at once…But by being more aware I am more likely to make better choices…Regardless of what choice I make next…I know I can learn from that choice as well.

I hope you find this point of view helpful.

I know it is changing the way I live day to day.

[1] Ghosting: the act of disappearing in a phantom-like fashion from someone you are seeing.

I Feel Sad…I Am Not Sad

August 4, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

In all of the training I have done to improve myself as a practitioner, learning about NLP meta-models has been some of my favorite.

At its simplest, it looks at the way people use language to describe the world. Often by examining the way people talk we can identify the beliefs causing distress.

Here is a simple example. Recently one of my clients “Debbie” said, “Everyone at work hates me.” My follow up question was, “Really, everyone?”

It is possible but highly unlikely that everyone at work hates Debbie. But if she walks into the office every morning believing that everyone hates her then she will be constantly on the defensive and prepared for attack.

When I ask, “Really, everyone?” she replied, “Well, no, not everyone.” By using the correct language to describe what was truly going on we were able to find our way to the real problem and address it.

The Dirty Secret About Being Successful

July 16, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

The other night I had a vivid dream.

It was about a group of five friends in their early 20s who moved to New York City to pursue careers in entertainment. In the dream I didn’t know the five of them well but I think they were friends of a friend.

I was helping them to find their way in the city, like so many did for me when I moved here.

In the dream they had been in the city for a few months, they had established themselves and we were meeting for drinks.

As we were chatting I kept asking them, “Are you here for the adventure and story of pursuing something in NYC or are you here to be successful?”

They just looked at me and shrugged. They didn’t understand my question.

The Story Of Success Vs. Success

For a year and a half I pretended that I was moving to New York City.

I would catch up with friends and they would ask what is going on in my life. I would excitedly tell them, “I’m moving to New York!”

In most cases they would be excited for me. “That sounds like such a great adventure.”

Looking forward to something fun felt great. My friends shared the thrill vicariously by daydreaming a little about adventure and what it might be like for them to make a big change.

Then the conversation would move on and we would move on.

But I was no closer to taking action.

Why You Are So Scared To Take Action

July 9, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

There are lots of reasons why we don’t take action.

In the end most of those reasons boil down to fear.

We are afraid that we will fail, be judged, look stupid, show that we aren’t good enough, prove that we aren’t worthy of success…and the list goes on.

Sometimes we are able to name our fear clearly but often it is something indistinct that is holding us back, bubbling away in the background.

It makes perfect sense that fear would hold us back from taking action. Fear is a vital primitive response that kicks in when danger threatens our safety. It keeps us safe.

So fear is not the problem.

The problem is when fear shows up in the absence of danger or when we experience fear much larger than is warranted for the situation.

How Big Does The Fear Need To Be?

One of the things I love about NYC in the warmer months is cycling around the city. I put on my helmet and off I go. But that wasn’t always the case.

I can remember when I moved to Washington, DC to go to university. The first time I rode a bike in a major city was a scary experience. I was not used to being just inches away from cars or having to avoid parked cars everywhere.

I grew up in a small town in Wyoming where most cars were parked in driveways, the roads were wide, and with the exception of a few major roadways there was very little traffic.

The difference between today and my first ride in a major city is lots of experience. I don’t cycle in a carefree, thoughtless way today, but because of my experience I know which situations are dangerous and which aren’t.

The Problem Of No Experience

A lack of experience when we are trying new things is one of the reasons that fear crops up. The part of us trying to keep us safe doesn’t know how things are going to turn out so it over reacts and perceives situations as more dangerous than they really are.

The fear of the unknown creates a situation where it is very hard to take action.

How To Tap Before The Action

I find tapping before I try something new really helpful. When I spend a few moments tapping to clear my resistance and fear it allows me to move forward without feeling paralyzed or overwhelmed.

The tapping looks something like this:

I understand that I am about to try something new…And because it’s something that I don’t have a great deal of experience with…There is a part of me that is hesitant…There is a part of me that is worried this won’t work out…There is a part of me that is worried that I don’t even know the right things to be worried about…But I have done new things before…And I have done them successfully…I’m not going to rush in blindly…I am not going to be careless…Or thoughtless…But I trust myself enough to know that I will learn from this attempt…I know that I don’t have to do it perfectly the first time…The next time I do it I will do it better…And I choose to be calm and confident as I embrace this new experience.

After tapping in this fashion I know that I am more likely to take action AND with lowered stress levels my action feels more comfortable and manageable.

Clearing The Fear

If you are looking for help with clearing the fears (named and unnamed) you have before taking action I would encouge you to check out the Ruach Center where you will find over 280 tap-along audios. More than 100 of them are geared towards clearing resistance to action, which shows up in the form of fear.

Can I Tap For More Willpower?

June 16, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

Recently I was working with a client I’ll call “Devon”. During our call she was giving me an update on her week and her progress with her to-do list.

She said, “Things are going really well. I’m starting each day with the tapping we talked about and I’m making lots of good choices in the morning. The problem is that by the end of the day I seem to have no willpower left. Is it possible to tap for more willpower?”

My answer to this was, “No and sort of.”

Let me explain…

Fail Forward Fast

June 11, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

A few weeks ago I wrote about the main reasons we don’t take action is fear.

Of all the fears we experience the one my clients talk about most is the fear of failure and the consequences that come with failure, such as the waste of time, feeling embarrassed that others have seen us fail, and missing an opportunity, to name just a few.

The truth is that often failing is the best thing that can happen to us because of how much we learn about failure.

Ready! Fire! Aim!

There is a common misconception about the skill of sharpshooters. Most people believe that they are so skilled and prepare so much for a shot that when they fire they are prefect.

In reality, particularly for long distance shots, they quickly line up the best shot they can and once they have fired, they follow the trajectory of the bullet. When they see where their first shot lands they have a better understanding of the conditions (like wind). They rapidly adjust and fire again.

The second bullet is fired so quickly that their target hasn’t had a chance to respond to the first shot.

You could see the first shot as a failure as it missed the target, but because a lot was learned from the first shot, the second is much more precise.

Fail Forward Fast

When successful business men and women are asked what they would do differently in growing their businesses a common response is, “I would have made my mistakes much quicker. I didn’t know what I didn’t know and my assumptions were flawed. Only through trial and error did I find my way to the right path.”

In the first press conference after Cam Cameron was hired as head coach of the Miami Dolphins he declared that the team was going to “fail forward fast”. He was setting the tone for his players and coaches that mistakes were OK as long as they were made in the right direction and lessons were learned from them.

Not Failing For Failure’s Sake

It’s important to note in the sharpshooter example that the first shot is fired with thought, training, and experience. Once a reasonable shot is lined up feedback is gathered from the results.

When we take action we are not doing it mindlessly or carelessly. We are not seeking failure just so we can claim progress from it.

Instead we are doing enough planning to take a reasonable action that will move us forward and if we do fail we will also have the opportunity to learn from it.

Here is a simple way to tap to help you to take action when the fear of failure is holding you back:

There is a part of me that is afraid that I will fail…Failure is no fun..Failure hurts…Failure shows others I can’t do this…Failure is a waste of time…Failure is a waste of an opportunity…Because I am worried about failure I am not taking action…I recognize the fact that everything I can do today…At some point I couldn’t do it…And I failed many times while learning how to do it…When I fail I am gaining real world experience…And that will help me to make better choices next time…I will never get it perfect by planning and planning and planning…At some point I need to take action…I am not going to be careless…And I am not going to be thoughtless…I give myself permission to take action knowing I won’t be perfect…Because I can make progress and be successful without having to be perfect…I have survived failure before and I will survive it again…I am not failing just to fail…I am not seeking failure…But when it happens I will make the most of it.

Clearing The Fear

If you are looking for help clearing the fears (named and unnamed) you have before taking action I would encourage you to check out the Ruach Center where you will find over 280 tap-along audios, with over 100 of them geared towards clearing resistance to action which shows up in the form of fear.

There are over 45 minutes of tap-along audios geared to dealing with the fear of failure and over 30 minutes designed specifically to clear the need to be perfect before taking action.

Just Because We Can Try It On Anything Doesn’t Mean It Works For Everything

May 25, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

I love the emails that I receive from my readers. (You can always email me directly.)

At least once a day I receive some version of the question: “What are the tapping phrases I should use for [insert issues]?”

This question is flawed in two ways.

First, the words we use are not magic. There are no “right” words to tap to. (I address this in “The Most Misunderstood Part Of Tapping: The Words You Say”.)

Second, there are times when tapping isn’t going to solve the problem.

For example, one of my clients recently started our session with, “I am having trouble sitting down to build the website for my business. I would like to tap for that.”

I didn’t ask about emotional issues. I didn’t ask what she was afraid of. I didn’t ask about past childhood traumas with computers.

I asked, “Do you know how to build a website?”

She said, “No.”

You Can’t Think Your Way Out Of Irrational Fear

April 27, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

[Note: If I were to boil down the root cause for why people don’t take action it would be fear. Today we are going to explore fear and how it impacts our capacity to take action.]

Of all the emotions that we experience, fear is the most powerful.

I don’t mean that it is the strongest emotion. In my experience that is sadness.

When I say fear is the strongest what I mean is that if we are feeling a number of different emotions at once, fear will override all others.

Your Goals Are Holding You Back

April 6, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

I am a huge fan of goal setting!

About once a year I sit down to craft out my goals for the next year. Once a month I look at my goals and rewrite them to meet the changes in my life. Every Monday morning I spend a few minutes reading and tapping with my goals.

I have found that goal setting has been hugely beneficial in my life and I don’t say that in a “I feel better” way. There is tangible evidence that I am more productive, happier, and healthier because of setting goals.

But there is a dark side to goal setting.

Sometimes we set the wrong goal.
[Read more…] about Your Goals Are Holding You Back

You Are Acting Too Responsible AND It Is Hurting You

February 15, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

I’m lucky.

My life is filled with caring people. People who go much more than the extra mile to take care others. They are thoughtful, they are insightful, and they often know the needs of their loved ones before their loved ones do.

When I see this type of love, care, and concern I am inspired.

And I am heartbroken.

Give Too Much
The problem that very insightful and caring people have is that because they so clearly see the suffering and needs of other that they often put other people’s needs first.

Well, that is not true.

Often they put other people’s needs first, second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth.

When this happens they end up putting themselves last.

Not only does this make it harder to pursue their goals but there are times where they end up hurting themselves.

Creating Boundaries
Once we realize that we are giving too much we realize that we need to start creating boundaries.

There are two problems with this.

One, we feel like we are letting other people down. We feel like we are being selfish. We feel like we are no longer being caring. Or at the extreme we can feel like because we are not taking care of others we are actively hurting them.

Two, it is hard to recalibrate relationships after we have created a precedent of us always taking care of the needs of others first.

I was talking to my sister last week about this idea and her struggle to create boundaries with some of her co-workers. She said something that I think rings true.

I need to be a responsible adult. I am not responsible for my co-workers.

I really think that sums it up perfectly.

It puts us in the right frame of mind. We are not saying we don’t care. We are not saying we are only thinking of ourselves. We are saying that we are going to be responsible adults.

Responsible adults help those in desperate need. Responsible adults are thoughtful about how their actions impact others.

But at the same time we are not taking responsibility for someone else’s life or actions. They need to do that.

I need to be a responsible adult. I am not responsible for my co-workers.

For me that statement cuts a nice middle ground of not giving up and not taking on too much.

Tapping To Create Boundaries
If you are struggling to create boundaries in your life the first thing I would do is to take my sisters phrase “I need to be a responsible adult. I am not responsible for other.” and just tap on that over and over again.

Next, I would take these aspects one at a time and tap for them

I feel like I am letting other people down.
I feel like I am being selfish.
I feel like I am no longer being caring.
I feel like I am actively hurting others by caring for myself.

If you are looking for support in helping to clear this issue there are lots of tap-along audios around letting others down, being selfish, and how others will respond to you if you are following your goals in the Ruach Center.

There you will find over 160 tap-along audios (with more added each week) and there are a number of them are focused on creating boundaries and being able to put ourselves first. Full details: Ruach Center.

The Reason You Aren’t Tapping? You Aren’t In Enough Pain

February 8, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

[Note: If you find listening to instruction more helpful than reading you should check out the podcast version of this topic.]

I have some of the nicest readers in the world.

Like anyone who has an email newsletter, people unsubscribe from my list every day.

When unsubscribing there is an option to leave me a comment. Not everyone leaves one, but when they do my readers leave the nicest messages.

They thank me for my work, let me know the ways in which newsletter has been helpful, and wish me well.

On Wednesday I received an interesting note from someone who unsubscribed. She wrote:
[Read more…] about The Reason You Aren’t Tapping? You Aren’t In Enough Pain

Tapping To Feel Better (And Why That Isn’t Always A Good Thing)

January 9, 2014 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

I think one of the reasons that tapping is so appealing is because it is so easy to use and it produces relief very quickly.

The first time I experienced the true power of tapping out in the wild (as opposed to being in a training session) was when I woke up in the middle of the night with a massive headache. It felt as if a dagger had been stuck into the top of my head.

I started tapping. 60 seconds later I was pain free and 90 seconds later I was asleep.

It is truly an amazing thing that we have at our fingertips: a tool that we can use to find our way to relief any time and anywhere.

But this isn’t always a good thing. Let me explain…
[Read more…] about Tapping To Feel Better (And Why That Isn’t Always A Good Thing)

The Best Of 2013 @ TappingQandA.com

December 29, 2013 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

2013 was the busiest year yet at TappingQandA. Thank you for taking the time to listen, read, tap along, and comment. Here are some of the best of, most commented upon, and some of my personal favorites of the year.

I would love to hear what you liked over the past year!

My Holiday Embarrassment – Last year during the holiday season I learned a valuable lesson about what is important to me and how I can care for others. This is worth a re-read to remind us of what we can do day to day for other.

EFT for Shame – This short tap-along video was the most commented upon post of the year. Shame can be a crippling emotion and this video will help you to find relief.

When EFT Goes Wrong – Sometimes we take healing, EFT, and ourselves a little too seriously. This should give you a chuckle.

FasterEFT – This interview with FasterEFT creator Robert Smith was the most controversial post of the year. Robert has a unique perspective on the healing process with tapping as you can hear in this thought provoking conversation.

Fear Of Rejection In The Age Of Invitation – This conversation with Rick Wilkes was the most downloaded podcast of the year. It is a great look at how we can connect with others in more meaningful ways.

Is It OK To Say ‘Not’ While Tapping? – We are repeatedly told not to use negative statements when we are tapping because the subconscious doesn’t hear or understand the word ‘not’. I dug into the scientific research to see if this is true and how the word ‘not’ impacts our tapping. The results are surprising.

Everything I Needed To Know About Manifesting I Learned From Good Will Hunting – Personally, I think we have wrecked the word manifesting. It has been used in so many ways by so many people it doesn’t mean anything useful anymore. Here is everything I think you need to know about manifesting.

Not Everything That Feels Personal Is Personal – Just because something hurts us in a personal way does not mean it was a personal attack. It is helpful to know the difference between something that is personal and something that feels personal when we are trying to heal.

My Ego Gets In The Way Of My Healing – I learned a valuable lesson this year about my ego and how it hurts the healing processes because of something that happened on Facebook.

2 Surprisingly Different Outcomes From Tapping – There are two types of results that can come from “successful” tapping sessions. This realization changed the way I tapped.

Best Of The Rest:

The First Tool I Teach After I Teach The EFT Basics

December 17, 2013 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

Good Morning!

Every day I receive emails from all over the world asking me questions about tapping and how to best use to use it. As I talked about last week (last week’s newsletter) I love getting these questions.

To help manage my time better I set aside a couple of hours every few days to answer all the emails at once.

After doing a few client calls on Saturday morning I was doing just that and something strange happened. I sent eleven emails with the exact same link in the email. I hadn’t received the same question eleven times, but eleven different tapping questions led me to the same resource.

After you know the basics of tapping this is the most powerful tool I know!

The reason it is the answer to some many different questions is because it is all about relationships.

It can be used when tapping about people close to you, like your immediate family.

It can be used when tapping about people you barely know, like a loan officer or a person at the DMV.

It can be used when tapping about people you will never see again, like passed on relatives.

I really believe this is the most powerful tool in my tapping arsenal!

I recorded a short instructional audio a few years ago explaining the three simple steps to the process.

Learn it now! Listen here:

[powerpress] Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes

As always, let me know what I can do for you,

Gene

PS: If you are looking to expand your tool set with the best tapping tools I know make sure you check out the offer I made last Friday: https://tappingqanda.com/?p=9343

What If Results From EFT Are Nothing More Than The Placebo Effect?

November 19, 2013 By Gene Monterastelli 12 Comments

The old joke goes something like this:

Dave is complaining of headaches. After a full examination his doctor can find nothing wrong with him but Dave insists that his doctor prescribe him something. Wanting to get Dave out of his office the doctor prescribes him harmless and useless sugar pills. Dave leaves the doctor’s office happy that he has something for the pain.

A week later Dave calls his doctor to report that he has been pain free since taking the pills twice a day. The doctor says, “Dave, you need to understand that I didn’t prescribe you anything other than sugar pills. The pills did nothing for your pain. It was a placebo.”

Dave listens for a moment and replies, “That’s great doc! I have a really busy week ahead of me and I was hoping you would prescribe me another bottle of those placebos.”

I am asked all the time if I think that tapping isn’t really doing anything and that the results that we get from tapping are just due to the placebo effect.

This is an interesting question, but I don’t think it is the most important question.

For me the most important question when doing work is, “How is it working for you?” If it is a useful tool: Use it! If it isn’t useful, try something else.

I don’t understand how many of the things that I find useful in my life work. For example, I am typing these words on a small piece of plastic and circuitry. It’s not even connected by a cord to a power source but somehow my thoughts make it to wherever you are in the world. I can’t explain how, but it works, and that is enough for me.

With that being said, it is important to pay attention to all the consequences of what we are doing. Eating ice cream works in that it makes me feel better in the moment, but if I used it habitually as a tool to deal with my emotions there would be less than desirable consequences.

I don’t really understand what is happening when we tap. I have some ideas, but I can’t say for sure.

With that being said, this is the calculation that I do: When I use tapping it is very beneficial in my life. Other than the occasional pimple because I didn’t wash my hands before tapping, I can’t see it causing any short or long term harm in my life, therefore I am going to continue to use it.

It works for me. I am always trying to learn more. I would love to know exactly what is going on because I am sure that would make me more effective as a tapper.

In the short term the fact that it works for me is enough.

I would love to hear your thoughts on EFT and the placebo effect in the comment box below.

What To Tap On Before Tapping On An Issue (Which Will Make All The Difference)

November 9, 2013 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

photo by Robobobobo

In the discussion forum of a program I help out with an interesting question was posted this week.

The poster, “Debbie”, told the story of having to deal with a lizard in her house. Debbie is petrified of lizards. When she saw the lizard she started tapping and tapping and tapping. Twenty minutes later she was still suck in the fear.

She didn’t feel one bit better and her question was, “Why did tapping fail?”

This is a really good question and a common experience. To understand what is going we need understand why the emotion showed up in the first place before looking at why EFT didn’t work.

Fear Is Good!

I know it seems counterintuitive, but fear is a good thing. Fear keeps us safe and it keeps us out of trouble. Fear helps us to recognize the things that could harm us.

So the problem is NOT fear. The problem is when fear shows up in a disproportionate or misinformed way.

It is good that I fear lions, but if my fear keeps me from leaving my apartment in Brooklyn then it is disproportionate.

Debbie’s paralysis over a small, harmless lizard is an example of fear showing up in a misinformed way.

Our System Doesn’t Want To Lose The Fear

At the most basic level our system “knows” that fear is a good thing because keeps us safe from danger. It assumes that if we are fearful of something it is for good reason and therefore it would be dangerous to release our fears and not respond to threat in the correct manner.

As in my example of being so fearful of lions that I don’t leave my apartment in a big city, my system’s instinct of self-preservation fights against tapping for and releasing my fear in case I decide to head up to the Bronx Zoo and climb into the lion enclosure.

I know that sounds silly, but the system will not allow me to clear the fear of lions because it believes the only reason I am safe is because of this fear.

Clearing The Resistance To Change

I believe that this is what was happening when Debbie tapped for her fear of lizards. Her system clung on resolutely to the fear of lizards because it believed that clearing it would lead to certain danger.

When it comes to tapping for anything, not just fear, it is important that we tap for our resistance to change before we tap for the issue itself. If there is a resistance to change then the healing and transformation process will be slower and harder.

Here is how you can tap in a general way to clear resistance to change before you jump into tapping for a specific issue:

There is a reason that my system is holding on to this issue…My system is convinced that this is how it can keep me safe and healthy…My system believes that if I release this issue I will be in more pain…But I give my system permission to know that it is safe to heal this issue…I give my system permission to know that I am only trying to change the misinformed information it is working from…I trust my system and want it to work as well as it can…I want what is best for me…And I know my system wants what is best for me too…It is safe and healthy for me to heal this issue…And if my system is unhappy with the change I can return to the old way…I am tapping on this because I want what is best for me…And I know my system wants what is best for me too.

Starting in this way will set you up for success. If you are looking for another simple way to set up your tapping sessions for success I would encourage you to watch this short video: 5 Steps I Take To Start An EFT Session (That Only Take 45 Seconds)

If you are looking for a boatload of tools to help you each time you sit down to tap you should check out the Ruach Center. In addition to over 100 tap-along audios there are 25 tools to help you tackle those issues where you feel stuck.

[Note: You might be wondering why there is a photo of a cute bunny rabbit on an article about fear. I was going to put a photo of a lizard, but didn’t want to trigger anyone who was afraid of lizards. I am guessing bunnies are a much safer bet.]

My Ego Gets In The Way Of My Healing

October 31, 2013 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

If you spent any time on Facebook this week I’m sure you noticed a lot of people’s profile pictures were of a giraffe.

This wasn’t because people love giraffes. It was because they had lost a bet. It went like this…on Sunday morning I saw this posted on a friend’s Facebook wall:

Here is the riddle: 3 am, the doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors… it’s your parents and they are here for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread, and cheese. What is the first thing you open?

Remember… message me only. If you get it right, I will post your name here. If you get it wrong, you have to change your profile picture to a giraffe for three days.

I read the post and immediately fired off my reply, “The front door of course.” I waited confidently knowing I was going to receive a congratulatory message back.

Three minutes later I was changing my profile picture to the photo you see above.

My Ego Got In The Way

This is an interesting bet. I would not have answered this bet with a guess. The only way I would have responded was if I knew I was right. The bet was designed to play on my over-confidence

I ran into trouble (not that it was real trouble) because I was convinced I was right when I was not.

I see the same thing all the time with my clients (and myself) when it comes to working on the right issue. We get caught up in what we “know” to be the root cause of our issue.

This isn’t because we are egomaniacs who think we are right all the time, or because we are stupid. No, the reason is that we are often so close to our own issues that it can be really difficult to see things clearly. And in not seeing everything clearly we are convinced what we see is true.

When this happens we can end up wasting a lot of time tapping for the wrong issue!

How To Get Out Of Your Own Way

Here three things to help you to get out of your own way.

1) Work with a practitioner.
In addition to the expertise and experience a good practitioner brings, they have the advantage of not being inside your head. They have perspective on the issue that we don’t have and can see things more objectively.

One of the advantages of working with a practitioner is that we don’t even have to do all the work with the practitioner. My clients often gain new insight working with me and then take that new information to continue tapping on their own.

2) What if it is something else?
I really like asking the question, “What could be the root cause of this issue if what I thought was the root cause of the issue was proven to be wrong?”

I know that question doesn’t look like much, but when we give ourselves permission to let go of what we think is right we are better able to explore other possible solutions.

3) Ask lots questions from many angles.
Sometimes when we are working on a issue we are looking at it the wrong way. For example, let’s say you wanted to create a blog about a hobby you love. You are really excited to get started, but for some reason it never happens. You decided that the reason that you are not creating the blog is because you are worried people are going to judge the quality of your work.

That seems very logical. Not being a professional writer and then sharing your writing with world can be scary. You spend the next few weeks tapping for being seen, being judged, and being good enough.

After all this tapping you feel great, you feel confident…and still you don’t do any writing.

The real problem turns out to be that you have no idea how to create a website and don’t want to feel stupid trying something new.

The tapping that was done was helpful, but it wasn’t for the issue that was holding you back.

Over in the Ruach Center I have list of 52 possible reasons that you are stuck in something. You can access the full list free of charge here: Finding Out Why You Are Stuck

When you have an issue you have been tapping for, but can’t seem to knock it out, it might be time to find a new angle on the problem and this is a great tool to help you do just that.

It’s Not Your Fault – I Learned Everything I Needed To Know About Manifesting From Good Will Hunting

October 26, 2013 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

The most memorable moment from the 1997 movie “Good Will Hunting” is when Will (played by Matt Damon) is talking with Sean (played by Robin Williams) about his history of abuse. Will is sharing how his father beat him.

Six times Sean says to Will, “It’s not your fault”.

Again and again.

“It’s not your fault.”

Will slowly breaks down.

“It’s not your fault.”

By the end he finally believes him.

It’s Not Your Fault!

Over the years it is amazing the range of things that my clients have taken credit for in their lives. Everything from partners cheating to animals being hit by a car. I even had one client take credit for a flash flood that destroyed everything in her basement.

Please, don’t get me wrong.

I am not saying that we are simply at the whims of the universe and that we are helpless victims of the fates, but I do think people often take too much responsibility for what is happening to them.

Personally, I think the problem comes from the way most people use the word ‘manifest’. Because it is possible to create new opportunities in our lives people take it to an extreme and think that everything in their life is a direct result of their thoughts and the choices that they have made.

Somewhere there is a line between what we have created in our lives and what is outside of our control. And to be honest, I am not smart enough to know where that line is.

I do know this: most of my clients err on the side of taking too much responsibility.

AND what is worse is that they beat themselves up for “manifesting” these bad things into their lives. I think this causes two problems. First, I believe it is harmful to blame ourselves for something that isn’t our fault. Second, when we do this we often remain in an emotional state of blame and self-recrimination and so we don’t take any new positive action.

There are so many times where I just want to say over and over again to my clients “It’s not your fault.”

It’s Not My Fault, So Now What?

Regardless what has happened leading up to this point and whose “fault” it is, what is much more important is how we choose to react.

The one thing we DO have control over is our reaction. The one thing that we can take responsibility for is what happens next. In order to do this we need to release the feeling of blame and shame for what we have created in our life.

When my clients are caught up in this blame/shame response the first thing I have them do is tap to something like this:

Right now there is something in my life that I don’t like…I might have manifested it in my life…Or it might be something that has shown up because of things outside of my control…Someday it will be important for me to get to the root of how this happened…But right now the most important thing is how I respond…Right now the most important thing is that I take responsibility for my response…Right now the most important thing is the choice I am going to make next…Part of me wants to blame myself for this…Part of me want to punish myself for creating this…I choose to let that desire go for now…I choose instead to make the best possible choice as I move forward…I choose to take responsibility for my response…I choose to make the best possible choice to get out of this…I choose to make the best possible choice to move forward…I choose to take responsibility for what I do next…That is where I have the most control.

It’s About Your Next Action

I want to be very clear. I do think it is important to understand why things happen in our lives. It is even more important to recognize the patterns that are showing up and to take responsibility for any unhealthy choices that we are making.

BUT, in the short term what is more important (at least in my mind) is the choices that we make next in response to what is happening in our lives. What we do next is more important than how we got here.

When you are stuck in the blame/shame cycle and things aren’t going right, take a few moments to tap through the script above.

If you are looking for more tools and tap-alongs to help you make better choices in response to where you are come join us in the Ruach Center. Currently there are over 100 tap-along audios and more than 25 tools to help you tap in response to wherever you find yourself.