Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

The Root Of My Issues

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Can't see the image? Click display. Last week I met up with a friend to catch up over a couple of drinks.

As always, the topic of my dating life came up. Since we had last chatted there wasn't anything new to share.

Interesting first dates that didn't lead to second dates. Dates who were really interested and interesting who ended up ghosting [1]. Chances to try new restaurants and bars in the city.

Really, it was just more of the same.

My friend said incredulously, “I don't know what is wrong with them!” referring to the women I’d dated.

I appreciated the support but I was stuck by one fact.

Every single one these interactions had one thing in common.

It wasn't the way I was treated. It wasn't the fact that I felt undervalued or misunderstood.

And that one thing?

ME!

Patterns

When doing any sort of analysis or problem solving one of the fundamental principles I use is: “Once is an anomaly. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.”

When I look at my dating/relationship history honestly (or as honestly as any of us can do with self-reflection) I see lots of patterns: spending time with the wrong people, dating people with only a short term goal in mind, and not communicating clearly (as in not letting my ‘no’ mean ‘no’ and my ‘yes’ mean ‘yes’).

I don't have control over the people who choose to go out with me, but I do control the type of people I seek, how I seek them, and how I act once I have connected with them.

Almost all of my recent dating experience has at least one of those things in common (most have more than one).

Things I Can Change

Because of this revelation I have decided that I need to spend some time daily tapping on my relationship fears. All of my unhelpful patterns can be traced back to my fears around being seen and being rejected.

Doing this work doesn't mean that I will end up in a lasting love relationship, but it does mean that I am much less likely to continue making the choices standing in the way of that type of relationship.

Taking Responsibility

This work is not about fault or claiming that we are the sole creator of everything we experience. Others have free will and their choices impact us.

This work IS about taking responsibility for ourselves and our role in creating our experience. It is about recognizing that we are present for all of our issues.

What this means for me is that I need to look clearly at my own experience, recognize the parts for which I am responsible, and take ownership of those parts.

If this is something you would like to do too, here are some tapping phrases to start you on the right path:

I recognize the fact that there are things in the world beyond my control…I recognize that there are things in the world that I DO control…And I recognize that I tend to believe I have much less control than I actually do…I am not the sole creator of my experience…I am co-creating my day and my life with everyone I interact with…I choose to take responsibility for the things that I do control…I can control my thoughts…I can control my emotions…I can control my actions…Often it is easier to let the world act on me and my life…It is easier just to react…Claiming that I don't have control…Today I choose to take more responsibility for my own life…Today I choose to recognize that I am present in all my issues…Today I choose to recognize that I can make different choices…This doesn't mean everything will change all at once…But by being more aware I am more likely to make better choices…Regardless of what choice I make next…I know I can learn from that choice as well.

I hope you find this point of view helpful.

I know it is changing the way I live day to day.

[1] Ghosting: the act of disappearing in a phantom-like fashion from someone you are seeing.

I Feel Sad…I Am Not Sad

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In all of the training I have done to improve myself as a practitioner, learning about NLP meta-models has been some of my favorite.

At its simplest, it looks at the way people use language to describe the world. Often by examining the way people talk we can identify the beliefs causing distress.

Here is a simple example. Recently one of my clients “Debbie” said, “Everyone at work hates me.” My follow up question was, “Really, everyone?”

It is possible but highly unlikely that everyone at work hates Debbie. But if she walks into the office every morning believing that everyone hates her then she will be constantly on the defensive and prepared for attack.

When I ask, “Really, everyone?” she replied, “Well, no, not everyone.” By using the correct language to describe what was truly going on we were able to find our way to the real problem and address it.

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The Dirty Secret About Being Successful

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The other night I had a vivid dream.

It was about a group of five friends in their early 20s who moved to New York City to pursue careers in entertainment. In the dream I didn't know the five of them well but I think they were friends of a friend.

I was helping them to find their way in the city, like so many did for me when I moved here.

In the dream they had been in the city for a few months, they had established themselves and we were meeting for drinks.

As we were chatting I kept asking them, “Are you here for the adventure and story of pursuing something in NYC or are you here to be successful?”

They just looked at me and shrugged. They didn't understand my question.

The Story Of Success Vs. Success

For a year and a half I pretended that I was moving to New York City.

I would catch up with friends and they would ask what is going on in my life. I would excitedly tell them, “I'm moving to New York!”

In most cases they would be excited for me. “That sounds like such a great adventure.”

Looking forward to something fun felt great. My friends shared the thrill vicariously by daydreaming a little about adventure and what it might be like for them to make a big change.

Then the conversation would move on and we would move on.

But I was no closer to taking action.

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Why You Are So Scared To Take Action

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There are lots of reasons why we don't take action.

In the end most of those reasons boil down to fear.

We are afraid that we will fail, be judged, look stupid, show that we aren't good enough, prove that we aren't worthy of success…and the list goes on.

Sometimes we are able to name our fear clearly but often it is something indistinct that is holding us back, bubbling away in the background.

It makes perfect sense that fear would hold us back from taking action. Fear is a vital primitive response that kicks in when danger threatens our safety. It keeps us safe.

So fear is not the problem.

The problem is when fear shows up in the absence of danger or when we experience fear much larger than is warranted for the situation.

How Big Does The Fear Need To Be?

One of the things I love about NYC in the warmer months is cycling around the city. I put on my helmet and off I go. But that wasn't always the case.

I can remember when I moved to Washington, DC to go to university. The first time I rode a bike in a major city was a scary experience. I was not used to being just inches away from cars or having to avoid parked cars everywhere.

I grew up in a small town in Wyoming where most cars were parked in driveways, the roads were wide, and with the exception of a few major roadways there was very little traffic.

The difference between today and my first ride in a major city is lots of experience. I don't cycle in a carefree, thoughtless way today, but because of my experience I know which situations are dangerous and which aren't.

The Problem Of No Experience

A lack of experience when we are trying new things is one of the reasons that fear crops up. The part of us trying to keep us safe doesn't know how things are going to turn out so it over reacts and perceives situations as more dangerous than they really are.

The fear of the unknown creates a situation where it is very hard to take action.

How To Tap Before The Action

I find tapping before I try something new really helpful. When I spend a few moments tapping to clear my resistance and fear it allows me to move forward without feeling paralyzed or overwhelmed.

The tapping looks something like this:

I understand that I am about to try something new…And because it’s something that I don't have a great deal of experience with…There is a part of me that is hesitant…There is a part of me that is worried this won’t work out…There is a part of me that is worried that I don't even know the right things to be worried about…But I have done new things before…And I have done them successfully…I’m not going to rush in blindly…I am not going to be careless…Or thoughtless…But I trust myself enough to know that I will learn from this attempt…I know that I don’t have to do it perfectly the first time…The next time I do it I will do it better…And I choose to be calm and confident as I embrace this new experience.

After tapping in this fashion I know that I am more likely to take action AND with lowered stress levels my action feels more comfortable and manageable.

Clearing The Fear

If you are looking for help with clearing the fears (named and unnamed) you have before taking action I would encouge you to check out the Ruach Center where you will find over 280 tap-along audios. More than 100 of them are geared towards clearing resistance to action, which shows up in the form of fear.

Can I Tap For More Willpower?

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Recently I was working with a client I’ll call “Devon”. During our call she was giving me an update on her week and her progress with her to-do list.

She said, “Things are going really well. I’m starting each day with the tapping we talked about and I’m making lots of good choices in the morning. The problem is that by the end of the day I seem to have no willpower left. Is it possible to tap for more willpower?”

My answer to this was, “No and sort of.”

Let me explain…

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