Children Who Are Reluctant To Tap

December 11, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

My 8-year-old son has been taught how to tap by an EFT Practitioner and I have done it with him off and on. When something comes up and I tell him to tap on it, he doesn’t want to! Do you have any suggestions on helping my son make tapping a part of his life?

[[This article is written by Angie Muccillo. Angie is the author of “Tapping For Kids‚ A Children’s Guide To EFT.” This book puts the extraordinary power of EFT firmly into the hands of children and young people, as a tool for life, to help them overcome their fears, worries and everyday traumas as well as build their self-esteem. Details on Angie’s book can be found at Dragon Rising and she can be reached directly at http://tappingforkids.com]

photo by Ashok Saravanan

Let’s look at some of the reasons why children may not tap and what you can do to create an environment where tapping is encouraged.

Why Kids Won’t Tap
Sometimes children will resist tapping even when they have been taught to use it and it has worked for them in the past. Firstly, no matter how much you may want your child to tap on something because you know it will help them, it is important to remember that you can’t “make” a child tap if they don’t want to. It is especially important to understand that EFT is not a strategy for getting children to do what you want or to get them to behave in a certain way. It is a way to help children release their emotions if and when THEY want to. We can show them when and how to tap but the decision to tap must ultimately be the child’s. Sometimes they may prefer to tap alone and other times they may prefer to tap with you or another person.

Some reasons why children may resist tapping:

1. Children may resist tapping because they are being “told” to tap rather than being “encouraged” to tap. When given as a directive children may react with a defiant or rebellious attitude. It can become “another thing mum nags me about” as opposed to when a child realizes that it’s “something I can do whenever I want to feel better.”

2. Children can often pick up on your desperation for them to tap and this can make them more resistant to it. Often the harder you try the more they resist.

3. They may not feel it is “cool” to tap. While some children take to EFT immediately, others may feel self-conscious or embarrassed about using it.

How To Encourage a “Reluctant” Child To Tap

1. Become an EFT Model

The key to encouraging a “reluctant” child to tap is to actively model it yourself as well as help create an environment where tapping is part of family life. When children see their parents tapping they are more likely to do it themselves. According to Karen Curry, author of EFT For Parents, “children do what we do, not what we say…if your kids see you tapping, especially when you are feeling emotional intensity, they will be encouraged to use it themselves under similar circumstances.” If they see you tapping and how it benefits you they may be more likely to do it with you or on their own.

2. Tap On Your Own Frustration/Desperation First

If you are frustrated or upset about the fact that your child won’t tap, then treat your own frustration or upset first. “Even though Tim won’t let me teach him to tap, he’s still a wonderful child and I love him unconditionally”…, “Even though I want to help him but he won’t let me…, “Even though I can’t get him to tap with me…”, Even though he pushes me away…”, “Even though he’s doing this just to make me mad…”, etc

3. Surrogate Tapping

Once you have brought your emotional intensity down by tapping on your own frustration/desperation first, you can then try surrogate tapping for your child, starting with any beliefs the child may have about EFT such as “Even though tapping can’t help me, I’m still okay,” “Even though nothing can help me with this problem, I’m still okay,” “Even though I would rather stay mad/sad/upset, I’m still a great kid,” “Even though I’m too scared to tap…” Also surrogate tap on the child’s actual resistance to tapping using their own words such as, “NO don’t make me tap, I don’t want to tap, I hate tapping, stop trying to make me do it, I won’t do it, I hate being told what to do,” etc. After a few rounds tap on some positive statements on behalf of the child such as “What if tapping helps me feel better,” “What if I can do it on my own,” “What if tapping helps me feel really really good,” “What if I don’t have to feel upset anymore,” “This tapping stuff is actually fun,” “What if I like doing it,’ etc. After you have finished surrogate tapping pay attention to any changes and notice if the child seems more willing to tap of their own accord or asks you to help them.

4. Tap On Behalf of Your Child

When you see your child getting upset, rather than telling him to tap, simply start tapping out loud on yourself so they can hear you, using a set-up that reflects what is going on. “Even though Tim is really mad and hurt because….., he’s still a great kid and I love him.” Encourage your child to join along with you or just keep tapping on their behalf (unless they object) using whatever you think is bothering them to tap on. If they see that you understand how they’re feeling they may start tapping themselves and be more open to telling you why and what they’re really upset about.

5. Add Some Humor

You can also add some humor and tap on something like “Even though mum is doing this crazy tapping thing again and I don’t want to do it, I’m still a great kid. I’ll tap if and when I want!”

6. Why It’s Cool To Tap

Reinforce the benefits of tapping to your child, such as, “it’s a way to help you feel better whenever you want,” “it can help you calm down when you want to,” “it helps your anger melt away,” etc. When kids find out they can tap on their upset without having to tell you what it is about they start to pay attention! In her work with children, Ann Adams will often tell an upset child in her faculty who hasn’t been introduced to EFT yet that, “I’m going to give you something to calm yourself down and you don’t even have to talk to me.” She points out that “not asking a child to talk ’sets you apart’ from all other professionals who have tried to help this kid.” The Promise Of Energy Psychology pg 168

Setting up an environment where tapping is encouraged and offered as an option and a choice may go a long way to helping a “reluctant child to tap.” Through teaching, encouraging and modeling the use of EFT within the family, in the classroom, etc., a “reluctant child” may discover they have a tool for life.

Using EFT to Give Thanks!

November 27, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli 5 Comments

I always seem to be using EFT for the things that go wrong in my life or the things I want to change. Does it do any good to tap on things that are going right and if so how would I do this?

photo by Scott Ableman

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very powerful tool for giving thanks. I am a firm believer that one of the most powerful tools we have for moving our lives to the places we want is to recognize the blessings we have. This puts us at ease, giving us the ability to follow inspiration with less worry and anxiety. When we act with less worry and anxiety we are more likely to follow that inspiration with energy, leading us to richer and fuller lives.

The process I use is very simple, and I do it every day.

1) I get out my big book of gratitude, which is nothing more than a spiral notebook with the words “Big Book of Gratitude” written on the front.

2) I write on the top of a clean sheet of paper, “Thank you for the blessings I have received and the blessings I am receiving.”

3) I make a list of ten things I am thankful for. Some are big (like life) and some are small (like fresh blueberries).

4) I then fill the margins with “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” and “Thank you for the blessings I have received and the blessings I am receiving!” over and over again.

5) Next I do 10 rounds of tapping, one for each of the things on the list. “thank you for fresh blueberries…thank you…thank you…thank you…thank your for the blessings I have received and the blessings I am receiving…thank your for fresh blueberries…”

It is impossible to start your day in a bad mood if you make this process a daily habit.

Using EFT In Tough Times

November 27, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

Everywhere you turn there seems to be bad news. It’s hard to be hopeful for the future when all you hear is doom and gloom. How can I use EFT to lift my mood and make it possible to thrive in these troubled times?

[Note: This article is by Chip Engelmann. Make sure you check out Chip’s web site ChipEFT.com for many great articles, ebooks, and recordings of past teleseminars.]

photo by Daniel H. Agostini

It is easy to get sucked in. We turn on the TV and a talking head economist is accusing a politician of playing a political campaign fiddle while Rome burns. The Republicans blame the Democratic congress and the Democrats blame the Republican leadership. Of course, the press loves bad news because bad news increases ratings and increased ratings means advertising dollars. All you have to do is listen to your TV, “Times are tough and the worst is yet to come.”

The time has come for you to take action. Switch your TV to the Golf Channel. Go out and rent When Harry Met Sally. Stop watching the news. It is toxic.

No, I’m not talking about putting your head in the sand and hoping it will go away. However, the Law of Attraction states that whatever you put your attention on is what you will bring into your life. If you allow yourself to become emotionally immersed in the world’s economic turmoil, personal economic turmoil will follow. If you perceive that you live in a world of doom and gloom, you will find an endless stream of evidence to support living in a harsh environment. If you see the world as overflowing with abundance, your personal world will be abundant.

No, this is not wishful thinking. It is a powerful tool we can use to shape the course of our lives. If we put our attention on how we want our lives to play out, the mind will search through billions of pieces of information to find what we need in order to thrive. If we set our attention on a goal and expect it to be achieved, our mind will find the information we need to make it happen.

The key to improving our world is as simple as switching our attention from what we don’t want, to what we do want.

My wife and I recently attended one of Esther and Jerry Hicks’ events in Toronto. I’ll share with you something Esther shared that is extremely relevant today and should give you great hope.

“What if one person in a relationship is allowing [abundance] and the other is blocking?”

It’s a good question, right? The answer:

“One who is allowing is more powerful than a million who are not.”

What does that mean to us today? If every one of us takes our power to continue to see the world with hope and attention to what is good and what could be good, no matter what shows up in the news, we will profoundly affect the outcome both personally and as a society. So don’t give up and don’t give in – when you see what you don’t want, keep turning your attention back to what you do want.

People have pointed out that it is easy to say, but harder to do. We each have set ways of thinking about things.

You may notice that you have been feeling bad, thinking about what you don’t want, for three days before it dawns on you to retrain your attention on what it is you do want. It may take days to notice that you have been putting your attention on “The Economy,” and you are scared. But right now is all that matters, so refocus on what you want and you will feel better. Next time it may only take two and a half days to notice your attention has wandered. It’s a matter of learning through trial and error. You get better at it as you go along. Eventually, you will notice within a few seconds when your attention strays.

Yet it can be hard to focus on what you want when you are afraid, overwhelmed, or depressed. (It is no coincidence bad economic times are called depressions.) Luckily, EFT can help take the edge off. In fact, we can use EFT to lessen the emotional load and Dr. Pat Carrington’s Choices Technique to help us change our old perceptions.

Even though I’m afraid I might lose my job…
Even though I’m worried about my retirement…
Even though I’m angry at the government..
Even though I’m angry at those big companies…
Even though I’m angry at myself for not being prepared…
Even though I’m afraid I will lose my house…
Even though I’m worried I can’t sell my house…
Even though I’m afraid because I’m on a fixed income…
Even though I’m afraid my health insurance won’t come through…
Even though I’m worried my car won’t last until I can afford a new one…
Even though I can’t handle one more thing…
Even though I’m afraid the other guy will get elected…
Even though I’m afraid the world is going to hell in a hand basket…

You get the idea. Tap on any of these types of statements that color your world.

It is, however, important not to put any more attention on what you don’t want than necessary to neutralize the negative emotions. The more time you spend looking for negative emotions, the more you will find. At some point, you must turn your attention back to what it is that you do want.

The Choices Technique is a good way of training your mind to focus on what you want, or the wonderful things you already have. We live in an abundant universe: lush green trees, beautiful birds, tenderly cared-for homes, creative people who love what they do are everywhere. It is been estimated that if we equally divided the wealth of the world between each of the 6 billion inhabitants, each person would have over ten million dollars. There is no shortage of money..

But many people tend to focus their thoughts on what is not right with the world. A set-up statement you might use is:

Even though I used to get drawn in to negative news,
I now chose to see abundance everywhere I look.

This is what you say three times as you tap on side of hand. Follow with three rounds of tapping. The first round, tap on

I used to get drawn in to negative news

The second round, tap on

I now chose to see abundance everywhere I look.

The third round, alternate back and forth with the two phrases

I used to get drawn in to negative news…
I now chose to see abundance every where I look…

Until you complete the round. It is important to end on the phrase that states what you do want. This exercise should be done three times a day for three weeks. You are attempting to change a mental habit.

Here are some other examples of set-up phrases you can use:

Even though I used to spend my time thinking about what I don’t like about my life, I now choose to appreciate what makes me happy.
Even though I used to believe I was powerless, I now choose to reclaim my power by believing I can do anything I want.
Even though I tended to focus on not having enough money to pay my bills, I now choose to relish the relief I feel every time a bill is paid.
Even though I used to complain every time something bad happened to me, I now choose to see how the Universe always works for my benefit with amazing synchronicity.
Even though I used to think there was no way out, I now choose to trust that the next step and the next step will appear as I start moving toward what I want.
Even though I used to believe what happened in rest of the world greatly affected me, I now choose to see that where I place my attention determines my experience.

Remember that this is a trial and error process. Don’t beat yourself up. Just guide your attention to what it is you want to experience. There is no hurry, you don’t have to be perfect before lunch time.

Maybe you feel like this might work for others, but won’t work for you. You don’t have what it takes. Well, you can use a variation of the Choices Technique to give yourself those attributes.

Even though what I want is taking a long time to come, I give myself the patience to receive it.
Even though I have trouble deciding what I want, I give myself permission to make a long list of those things that would make me happy.
Even though I feel like I don’t deserve anything good, I choose to focus my attention on those things that I like about myself.
Even though I can’t seem to get it, I give myself the insight I need to figure it out.
Even though I feel so overwhelmed, I choose to find the baby steps I need to take to get things under control.

Finally, pay attention to what you tell others about the world, the economy and how it affects you. Are you casting yourself in the role of a victim or are you choosing words that maintain your responsibility? As Abraham said at the seminar, “You can’t beat the drum of where you are and still move to where you’re going.” Your experience of life reflects the story you tell. If you are a victim, find words that express that you have a more creative and self-determining role. Tell the truth, but make it the highest truth available to you.

For example, here are a series of sentences that might lead step-by-step from what you don’t want to what you do want. Notice how each truth sounds a little better than the one before it.

The economy is in the crapper.
Those politicians really were asleep at the wheel. It’s about time they did something.
With the high speed communications we have today,
there’s no way we’ll have anything as bad as the Great Depression.
I’ve survived a lot of hard times in the past.
No matter what happens, I’ll find a way – I always have.
Maybe this wake-up call in the economy will lead to some good changes.
I wonder how I can take advantage of this situation.
I’ll bet I can come up with a good idea to help people and be profitable at the same time.

Your job is to tell the best story you can believe is true. As you do, notice how your life starts to change. Then see if you can tell a better and better story. You’ll find there is no limit to how good it can get.

You now have several tools to thrive no matter what appears to be going on around you.

Don’t Know How To Forgive Myself

November 21, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

What is the best procedure a person can take to learn how to forgive one’s self? I need to forgive myself desperately but don’t know how!

The question of forgiveness comes up a lot with the clients I work with. In the article Forgiveness Equals Condoning The Action I talk a great deal about forgiveness, why forgiveness is hard, and how we can forgive ourselves and others.

But what happens when we don’t think forgiveness is even possible?

There is an ongoing conversation among EFT practitioners about when to use forgiveness. Some feel that we can move to forgiveness too soon. If we haven’t worked through the emotional issues associated with the need for forgiveness, then we might simply be stirring the pot on these issues and making the client feel worse without making any progress.

I see some value in keeping this in mind. If a client is still working through the emotion of a specific issue and that client isn’t fully ready to tap on forgiveness but recognize the need for forgiveness, we will tap on the fact that forgiveness is possible.

The tapping patter can look something like this:

I give myself permission to forgive myself…I give myself permission to believe forgiveness is possible…I give myself permission to know I need forgiveness…there is a part of me that is afraid of forgiveness…that is okay…that part of me is only trying to protect me…any block to forgiveness I have I can let go…forgiveness is possible…I deserve forgiveness…I am worthy of forgiveness…even if part of me doesn’t believe that…there is a part of me that knows this is true…I give myself permission to be easy with myself about the fact I have not forgiven myself yet…I forgive myself for not forgiving myself…I don’t know how to forgive myself…I forgive myself for not knowing how to forgive myself…the more I forgive myself…the easier it will be to forgive myself…forgiveness is a process…I don’t have to forgive everything at once…when I forgive myself I am not saying what I did in the past is right…when I forgive myself I am choosing to stop being a prisoner to my past…this doesn’t mean I have to forget the past…or lose part of myself…instead I choose to learn from the past…and not be a prisoner to the past…I know forgiveness can take time…much like chipping a large boulder away…it is okay if I do it a bit at a time…forgiveness will come…with time…because I need it…and deserve it [How to use these tapping phrases]

Kill your Cravings (part 2)

November 21, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

Right now I’m having trouble with cravings. There are times I crave Diet Dr. Pepper, but I don’t like the taste. I almost feel like a person possessed. I must consume it even though I don’t enjoy it. How do I use EFT to kill this type of craving?

My favorite part of this question is the phrase, “I almost feel like a person possessed. That is exactly what cravings feel like, a force that seems to exist outside of us, that comes into us, and draws us to choices we don’t want to make – choices we often know are bad for us.

In the article “Cravings Killing (part 1)” I wrote about using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) for cravings in terms of our resistance to change, a simple way to eliminate the craving, how to deal with withdrawal symptoms, and how to plan for success.

In this article I’ll take this a step further. I will show in greater detail how to kill a craving for something we really want and (as in the case of the question) how to kill a craving for something we crave but don’t like.

Eliminating the Craving of Something We Want

The first step is to tune into the level craving that you have. To do this, simply rate how strong the craving is on a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 represents no craving at all and 10 is I must have it now and I am willing to knock a little old lady over to get it.

Once you have rated your craving level we can begin tapping. The way I like to work on cravings is to simply repeat these 6 steps, using chocolate as an example:

Image the smell of the chocolate
Image what the chocolate tastes like in your mouth
Image where the craving lives
Image the part of the that the chocolate is going to fill up
Say with passion and feeling, “I want this chocolate”
Say with passion and feeling, “I need this chocolate”

For each of these steps you tap on one of the tapping points. Simply keep working through the steps as you move from tapping point to tapping point.

After you have tapped for a round or two. re-rate the craving level. If you have not reduced the craving level to a manageable level, repeat the process.
As you do the tapping, don’t be surprised if the actual smell of the item you are craving changes. Many times as the level of the craving goes down, the desirability of the smell is reduced. The thing you crave goes from smelling good and tasty to smelling bitter and gross.

[Note #1: I once had a client get very angry at me as we were working on a craving. Within a few rounds of tapping she not only didn’t desire chocolate chip cookies, she could no longer smell them. She yelled, “You’ve ruined chocolate chip cookies for ever!” I reassured her that this was not the case. The good smell of chocolate chip cookies would come back. This was only temporary— a way to get through this moment of temptation.]

[Note #2: Remember, when working with cravings you only need to reduce the craving to a level where you are going to make healthy choices. If you get the craving down to a 3 and are able to choose not to eat chocolate then you don’t need to tap anymore.]

As an alternative, you can do all six steps on each tapping point before moving on to the next point.

Eliminating the Craving of Something We DON’T Want
At first I was surprised the first time a client shared this type of craving. She described in great detail how she was consumed with a craving. How when it came up she couldn’t think of anything else. Sometimes the distraction was to the point where she could barely drive because the craving was all she could think about.

The surprising part was not how strong the craving was but that she was craving something she didn’t like the taste of. She talked about how much she needed to consume it, but at the same time how much the taste repulsed her. As time passed, more of my clients shared stories of craving for things they didn’t like.

The technique I described above is based on you tuning into the most desirable part of the craving. In this case, that technique is ineffective because there is nothing desirable about the substance itself.

In these cases I recommend a combination of argument tapping (where you state both sides of an argument as you tap) plus some statements about why we might have the craving.

Once again begin by rating the craving between 0 and 10.

The tapping phrases might look something like this (we will use chocolate as the object of craving again):

I really want some chocolate…No, I don’t…Part of me needs chocolate…I don’t even like the taste of chocolate…but it would make me feel so good to eat it…I should only be eating the things I want to eat…No. I really need this…I can’t stand its taste…but I am incomplete without the chocolate…but I don’t want the chocolate…the chocolate is only serving a short-term need…it is only filling some other hole that needs to be filled with something else…I know my body is craving something I don’t want because it sees it as some sort of medication…It’s craving this thing I don’t want because it will make me feel better…but it will only make me feel better in the short term…it isn’t something that will help me in the long-term…even if I don’t know what the underlying cause is for this craving…even if I don’t know what the emotional root for the craving is…I let those emotional roots go…I thank my body for the craving because the craving is trying to help me deal with those emotional roots…I have other better ways of dealing with these emotional roots…eating this thing I crave right now will only dull the emotional roots…it’s not dealing with them…by tapping on this craving right now I am allowing my body to let go of the emotional roots…even I don’t know what they are…this is a healthier way to deal with whatever is going on…in the future if I want to eat this chocolate I can…but I will only do it because I want to eat it…not because I need to eat it
[How to use these tapping phrases]

Re-rate the craving level. If the craving is still so strong that you are going to have a hard time resisting it, tap through this series of phrases again.

When doing this, also pay very close attention to the things that come to mind while tapping. With this type of tapping patter the emotional issues that cause the craving often surface, giving you great information for future tapping sessions.

Only Takes A Few Moments
Getting rid of cravings with EFT is a very simple task. The more you do it, the more likely you are to reach for EFT when you experience cravings. The more successfully you do this, the more control you will gain over your own eating.

Tapping On Someone Else’s Behavior

October 30, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

There is someone at work who drives me crazy, always picking fights and causing lots of disharmony in the office. Changing jobs isn’t really an option for me. Is it possible for me to tap to change their behavior?

If you read most EFT websites (especially Gary’s site) you will find a number of accounts of how surrogate tapping has been successful. (To surrogately tap for someone else means to tap on your own body for someone else’s issues and that other person receives healing or relief.) You can even find a few articles on this site which reference situations where patents have tapped on themselves and seen healing benefits in their children.

BUT (and this is a big but) just because we are tapping on ourselves while tuning into someone else’s issue and the other person has a change, it doesn’t necessarily mean that tapping on ourselves is causing a change in another person. Most people who talk about surrogate tapping assume that is the case, but I don’t think the cause and effect relationship is as clear as it might appear on the surface.

I’m not saying they’re wrong, but I recognize another possibility. The alternative theory I’m suggesting links directly to the example that is cited in this question.

I believe the only thing we truly control is ourselves. We can control our thoughts and our actions. Everything else is out of our control. We might act in a certain way expecting or hoping others will act in a predictable way. But these are nothing more than hopes and expectation. There is no certainty.

If we can only control ourselves, and therefore only be able to change ourselves, then how do we explain evidence that surrogate tapping seems to be successful? I believe the answer lies in the fact that we are co-creating our experience with everyone else. To illustrate this let’s look at the example in the question of a person at work who is causing problems.

We Co-Created the Situation

Every relationship we are a part of we are a co-creator of. Relationships aren’t static; over time people – and their thoughts, feelings and actions – change. These strengthen, weaken, or otherwise change the relationships between the individuals.

For example, think of old friends you just aren’t as close to today as you once were. We often say, “We just grew apart.” We mean that one or both of us have changed and therefore the nature of the relationship changed.

This is simply a fact of life, neither bad nor good. Hopefully, we will continue to grow and change throughout our lifetimes. Because of this we are going to have different levels of relationships with specific people at different points in our lives. Even life-long friendships change in nature as the participants in that friendship grow and change over time.

When we recognize this fact we can use it to our advantage. We always have the chance to change our actions and our beliefs. In the process we change our relationships.

This includes relationships we find unpleasant.

Let’s take the person at work who always starts an argument with you. Once we accept that you are a co-creator of this relationship, then you have to accept some responsibility for the argumentative nature of that relationship.

Let’s look at this from your co-worker’s point of view. For this example, your co-worker Joe is very insecure. He starts arguments with people so he can win the arguments and show that he’s smarter than his opponent. He might not be consciously starting arguments with this outcome in mind, but he’s learned from life experience that he always feels better after putting someone down in an argument.

For Joe starting an argument is completely functional because he feels better with every argument he wins. But the only way he can get the outcome he desires is if someone else is willing to argue with him.

If you are arguing with Joe regularly, obviously you are co-creating the situation. Joe knows, on some level, you are game for a fight.

There is nothing you can do to change Joe’s behavior, but you can take control of the situation. You can change the part of the situation you are creating. If you refuse to argue with Joe, an argument can’t happen. If the argument can’t happen then Joe no longer gets what he’s seeking out of the interaction (e.g., the opportunity to feel superior). Because Joe is no longer getting what he wants from the relationship, the interaction is no longer functional for him. Therefore, he will find someone else to argue with.

In the beginning Joe has his need (to feel superior) and the environment (your willingness to push back) in place to meet his needs. When you change your behavior (no longer willing to engage in the argument), you have completely changed the environment. You’re not changing Joe’s actions, but since he can no longer get what he needs in this environment he moves to a new environment (another person) to have his needs fulfilled.

The beauty of this is you have not had to change someone else’s behavior, you have simply changed the one thing you have control over: yourself. When we work from this point of view we are no longer a victim of a situation/circumstance; instead we are taking charge of ourselves – the one thing we CAN control.

Knowing What To Change In Ourselves

Most of our relationships won’t be as cut and dried as the example I ‘ve just given. Most of the time we won’t know other people’s motives and what they are getting functionally out of our relationships. The only thing we are going to know is that we have relationships and interactions that are less than fulfilling and often draining or painful.

The good news is we don’t have to know why others are acting the way they are or what they’re getting out of the interaction. The only thing we need to know is what we find uncomfortable and what we would like to see changed.

This is where EFT enters into the equation. Even if we don’t know what part of ourselves is allowing the situation to be co-created we are going to be able to tap to change ourselves. Either the relationship will become more as we want it to be, or the other person will seek out another person who will accept the old style of relationship.

The first thing we tap on is the emotions we feel. In this case there are a whole host of emotions that you could be feeling from the interaction with Joe. You could feel angry, overwhelmed, or annoyed whenever Joe comes around because an argument is inevitable. You might also be frustrated that you can’t get your job done, that you are being picked on, that you are not in control, and so on. All of these are tappable issues.

The second thing we can do is tap on the fact that we are co-creating this relationship and on some level this interaction must be feeding us as well. Now it might sound silly to say we are creating such a painful situation for ourselves, but I think it’s true. For example, you may feel insecure at work and afraid that if you take on too much responsibility you are going to become overwhelmed and fail. So you allow the fight to happen because it will keep you where you’re comfortable with your responsibilities. In this example the argument is functional for you as well because it is serving this need.

Usually it is very hard to see how difficult relationships that we co-create are serving us. In those cases we can simply tap on the fact that even though part of us is being served, we want to change whatever benefits from our difficult relationships.

The tapping could look something like this:

I am in a relationship that I don’t like…Joe finds a way to start an argument with me every day…I really don’t enjoy it…I wish he would stop…at the same time I am willing to admit that I’m co-creating this relationship on some level…I must be willing to accept my responsibility for the part of the relationship I’m creating…this is hard to admit…but I know the only way I can heal past this is if I admit this fact…I forgive myself for co-creating this relationship…I forgive myself for believing this is serving me on some level … whatever part of me that feels this is serving me can now let this go…I choose to heal the part of me that feels it needs this relationship…I give myself permission to change the way I approach this relationship…I give myself permission to think different thoughts about this relationship…I take back the power to choose a different action in this relationship…I know I can’t change anyone but myself…I know that if I change myself I will change the landscape of this relationship, and then by its very nature the relationship will have to change…I know I can make this change…because all I need to change is myself. [How to use these tapping phrases]

A number of my clients have reported radical changes in their relationships in a very short period of time by doing this two-step approach to tapping on their relationships. I believe the reason this approach is so effective and powerful is because we are taking back control over ourselves instead of hoping factors in the world would change.

So to that end, we have not truly done surrogating tapping for someone else. Even though we are tuning in to someone else, really what we are doing is tuning in to someone else and seeing what is arising in us — that is, our stuff — and we are tapping on our own stuff.

What more info on surrogate tapping:

Cold and Flu

October 23, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli 4 Comments

Cold and Flu season is coming. Is there a way I can use EFT to keep myself healthy?

I have used Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) very effectively against cold and flu symptoms in two ways. One is preventive and the other is symptom management.

Prevention
I have found it is very helpful to take a little time each morning and night to do tapping for general health. I take a few deep breaths to relax myself, tune into my body, and tap on phases like this:

I am so blessed to have the body I have…it is so sophisticated in all that it can do…it is a system that is built with amazing balance…when something doesn’t work well it has the power and tools to correct and heal…I know my body has everything it needs to maintain optimum health…my body was made for heath…I am thankful for this fact…right now I give all my intention to the healing powers of my body…if there are any blocks to the healing power of my body…I tune into them right now…I see these blocks clearly…and I let them go…my body can remove these blocks effortlessly…as the blocks are removed my body is able to function as it was made to…in total health…I tune into any bacteria, fungus, or virus that prevents my body from being at total health…be these bacteria, fungus, or viruses be known or hidden…I release the body’s healing powers on these bacteria, fungus, and viruses…my body is able to manage all of these intruders…bring my body back to total health…I am thankful for how my body is able to work back to health…any resources the healing part of my body needs to bring my body back to health I hand those resources over right now…once again I tune into any blocks to my healing that are in my body, mind, or spirit…I give my body permission to let these blocks go…anything that is preventing my body from maintaining health I remove and clear right now…I now tune into any part of my body that is designed for growth…I give thanks for the parts of my body that are committed to my growth…I tune in to any of the blocks in my mind, body, or spirit that are preventing my body from growing in the ways it is designed to grow…I let go of any and all of the blocks I have to growth…these blocks are no longer needed…I see and feel them being let go…I give thanks for the amazing power of my body…I know my body is made to heal and grow…I give my body permission to heal and grow [How to use these tapping phrases]

Symptom Management
Just because I know (and teach) the tools of keeping my body healthy it doesn’t mean that I always use them, so even I get sick. One of my favorite techniques for dealing with cold and flu symptoms is what I call the “Tissue Technique”.

This technique is very simple – all you do is blow your nose AND spit into the tissue.

This sounds gross, but what you’ve just done is collected a live culture of most of the bugs that are in your system.

Next you hold the tissue in your hand, place your intention on what is in your hand, and begin tapping on all the bugs at once. I recommend doing this every hour or so.

Note: Just because you are no longer feeling the symptoms does not mean that you have gotten rid of all the bugs. I have tended to forget tapping every hour once I feel better, giving the bugs a chance to reclaim my body. I recommend that you use this technique for 24 hours past the time that you feel better. This will insure you are completely cleaning out all the bugs.

When I was first introduced to this technique I was very sick. Over the course of a day I had a spit cup that I spit into throughout the day. Every hour or so I’d pick up the cup, focus on it, and tap. As I did this I could feel congestion breaking up and my energy level rising. Yes, that’s really gross! But it’s worth it to get healthy.

Forgiveness Equals Condoning The Action

October 1, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

I was introduced to EFT about a year ago and I love it. I’m amazed at the way it quickly gets rid of unwanted emotions, but I’m wondering if this is always a good thing. I made some really poor choices in the past. I feel really bad about these choices. I know EFT would be a great tool for getting rid of these emotions, but I’m afraid that if I don’t feel bad about them that I am condoning the past behavior. Is it okay to let go of these negative emotions about my past choices?

At its core this question is about forgiveness. Sometimes this question is about forgiving ourselves (like the questions above); other times it’s about forgiving others. “If I forgive them for hurting me I am saying what they did is okay.”

The person who asked this question is exactly right. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for helping us to forgive, but forgiveness can be a tricky business.

Forgiveness can come along with lots of baggage.

“If I forgive myself I am going to make the same mistake again”
“If I forgive I am saying what happen was right”
“If I forgive they are going to do the same thing to someone else and I will have condoned it.”
“I did something wrong and I deserve to suffer, not to be forgiven.”
“If I forgive them then I am going to give up my status as victim and I don’t know how to live not as a victim. People only give me attention because I am a victim and they will all leave me.” [This was a real fear of one of my clients.]

When discussing forgiveness it’s a good idea to look at forgiving oneself and forgiving others separately.

Forgiving Ourselves
Forgiveness and un-forgiveness are routinely accompanied by regret and/or guilt. Even though these two emotions are very similar they are different in a very striking way.

For example, I may say, “I regret eating that extra candy bar.” When I make this statement I am saying I wish I had made a different choice because I now understand the consequences of that choice, but it’s not something I am emotionally bound up in right now.

To feel guilty about something is not only to wish we had made a different choice, but we also feel emotionally bad in the moment. “I feel guilty for eating that extra candy bar.” With this statement I am saying I wish I had made a different choice and I feel bad about that choice right now.

When we forgive ourselves we are not saying we made a good choice in the past. We are not saying we will make the same choice again. We are not saying we didn’t learn from the past. Instead, when we forgive we are moving from guilt to regret.

Guilt is debilitating. Regret is instructive. That is why forgiveness of our self is so important. When we forgive we move from being an emotional prisoner of the past to learning from the past.

Forgiving Others
When it comes to forgiving others the most powerful idea I have encountered is, “When we hold a grudge and refuse to forgive someone else we are wishing ill on them and taking the poison ourselves.” When we refuse to forgive someone else we are not hurting the person in any way. We are only hurting ourselves by carrying around the ill will (and sometimes hatred) for someone else.

When we choose to forgive someone else we are doing this solely for ourselves. We are not condoning their action. We are not saying they can take this action against us (or anyone else) again. We are simply saying, “I choose not to be a prisoner to this past action. I will no longer carry this poison of guilt, hatred and un-forgiveness in my body.”

How To Use EFT To Forgive
Often we hear the phrase, “forgive and forget.” This is a really accurate — and sometimes destructive — sentiment. When we forgive we are not forgetting what has come before. We still keep the lessons from the past. We are going to make choices in the future to keep us safe from the same situation. When we forgive we are simply choosing not to be an emotional prisoner to the past.

With that in mind, I think it is very important to carry the ideas of why we forgive into our tapping, not just the fact that we are forgiving. By doing this we are able to not only deal with the emotions around what needs to be forgiven, but we are also dealing with all the resistance we have to offering forgiveness.

Here is a sample tapping patter for forgiving oneself:

Just because I am forgiving myself for past actions, this doesn’t mean I am saying those were good choices…those choices are who I was…not who I am…I have learned from those choices…I don’t need to be holding onto the guilt to make sure I make good choices in the future…by holding onto guilt I am continuing to punish myself…I don’t need to keep punishing myself…I give my self permission to forgive myself…I choose to know forgiving myself is allowed…I choose to know forgiving myself is a path to health…and not forgiving myself is not a path to health…I forgive myself for not forgiving myself yet…I know I have learned the lesson from the past poor choice…I give myself permission to let this go and move on. [How to use these tapping phrases]

Here is a sample tapping patter for forgiving someone else:

I give myself permission to forgive [insert name]…When I forgive them I am not saying what they did is right…when I offer forgiveness it is all about me…it has nothing to do with them…it has nothing to do with condoning their actions…I am letting go of this so I am no longer imprisoned by the past…when I hold a grudge it is like I am wishing ill on someone else but taking the poison myself…I need to forgive for my health and well being…this choice is for me…it is not for them…I also forgive myself for not giving forgiveness earlier…what matters is that I am now choosing to move on…by giving forgiveness I am not giving them permission to do the same thing again…when I forgive it doesn’t mean that I have not learned a lesson from this…I have learned from this…when I forgive I am not inviting this in again…I am forgiving so I can move on…when I forgive I still might remember what happened, but I am no longer imprisoned by what happened…forgiveness can be hard…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I go through the forgiveness process…I am doing this for me…and no one else…and I am allowed to do this for myself…it doesn’t matter if the other person deserves forgiveness…I deserve to forgive…because it is the best thing for me [How to use these tapping phrases]

Using Color With EFT

September 30, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

I was on the teleclass you did with Catherine Poole on color and I loved it. But there is still something I am confused about. She talked about how each type of physical issue is related to a color (or a couple of colors). It sounds like if we are suffering in that part of our body we could tap using EFT and just image that color coming in. My questions is how do I know which color to bring in?

I asked Catherine if she would answer this question by creating a list of issues, by color, that we could pay attention to when we are doing EFT on ourselves or with a client. Below you will find her response on (in her words) “how to listen to what the body needs”.

[This article is by Catherine Poole. Catherine is a medical intuitive who has spent decades studying and teaching color theory. In this article she explores what each color represents when it comes to healing. At the end of this article there is a short audio which shows you how to combine color with EFT. Catherine is available for private readings (which can be done in phone sessions) and can be contacted at http://CatherinePoole.com/.]

Base/Red Energy
What do they talk about?
Do they complain about family, their church, their government? Parents (living or dead)? Childhood? Job? Money?