I love EFT and use it a lot. It’s been very helpful with small emotional issues and simple physical pains. But when it comes to bigger issues I have a concern. I’m afraid that if I change the person I am I will hurt the people I love. Do you have any advice?
photo by Mirko Macari
Change of any sort can be scary. We can fear that we are not going to be able to manage the new situation, we can fear not knowing how to be in the new situation, and we can fear that others are going to be disappointed with us.
I see this quite often with my weight loss clients. Many have shared thoughts like:
- “My fat friends aren’t going to like me if I am thin.”
- “If I loose weight my fat friends are going to think that I think I am too good for them.”
- “If I loose weight I am going to make my friends who can’t loose weight feel bad.”
It’s not a bad thing to think about how others are going to respond to our actions. This is rooted in our love for them. We don’t want to do things that will complicate the lives of our loved ones. BUT this can’t be the only thing we take into consideration when we a making a choice or a change.
The weight loss example above demonstrates this perfectly. It would be really nice if losing weight didn’t make our friends feel self-conscious, but our health is more important — giving use a chance to live a longer, more active life — than how our friends might feel.
From the outside this is very obvious, but when it comes to making these choices in our own lives it becomes very difficult for a number of reasons.
- We don’t want to make someone else feel bad
- We feel selfish by choosing our needs over others
- We fear that if we makes someone else’s life harder they are going to leave
- We don’t deserve to make our life better at someone else expense.
These are all very real and powerful feelings that make it very hard to choose what’s best for us.
It is very important to recognize that not only do we deserve to take care of ourselves (making positive change of all types), but also we must recognize that these changes will benefit our loved ones, too. When we are healthy emotionally and physically it is easier for us to care for them.
When I bump into the issue of not wanting to change, I tap using phrases like these:
I would like to make a change in my life…but I know my life is tied to so many other people’s lives…if I change my life I am going to change others people’s lives as well…I worry about doing this…I don’t want to make anyone else’s life harder…especially if it is because of the choices I am making…I feel bad when I make others’ lives harder…or when I make them self-conscious about their own lives…many times I would rather carry my burden than pass a burden on to someone else…also, I feel very selfish for doing this…what right do I have to make my life better by making other people’s lives harder….I already have too much….who do I think I am that I deserve more…
I choose to know that I should be able to take care of myself…I deserve to make my life better…I know that even though I have it better than others…I deserve more…I am thankful for what I have…but that doesn’t mean that I should stop growing and changing…Many times when people feel bad about my change it’s because they are jealous of the work I’m doing…they are taking their feelings out on me for the change that they are not willing to make…if nothing else I can be a model for them of what change can be like…
When I make a change to myself I am not choosing myself over someone else…I am not choosing to make my life better at someone else’s expense…I am choosing to be better…I deserve better even if others aren’t going to make that choice for themselves…the fact that I worry about how this affects others means I am a loving person…but my choosing to change myself doesn’t mean I’m being selfish…I am not showing that I don’t love others…
I need to understand it is not an either/or situation…it is not that I can be better OR they can be happy…I can change, and they can be happy…It is not my job only to take care of everyone else’s needs…my needs are important too…I can change my life…and it might affect others….but I need to know my needs are important too…others don’t ask for my permission when they change…I don’t have to ask permission from others to change…
I need to make changes in my life…we all need to grow and change…when I make changes it is going to impact the lives of others …but I am not going to let this stop my healing…and growing…I deserve change…I need change
[How to use these tapping phrases]
I would recommend tapping on something like this before every tapping session to insure that you are doing the work that you really want and need to do.