Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Round Up Question 3 – If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

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One of my favorite aspects of the tapping community is how willing people are to share their wisdom and experience. Recently I asked a number of practitioners I admire about how they approach healing, client work, and their own journey. Below are some of my favorite answers to one of those questions. Make sure you check out all five questions]

If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

I would have moved at a faster pace and more consistently sought support and assistance along the way. I truly appreciated my first therapist, who helped me through a divorce crisis, but I didn’t continue ‘doing the work’ – I think I thought I was good to go. In a long second bout of therapy, I got out of danger. If I had it to do over, I think I’d appreciate and pursue the value of great and artful support to help me evolve and thrive along the way vs waiting until I hit a crisis point to seek help. Jondi Whitis

Less study, more practice. In the early days, I read every newsletter, attended classes, poured over each version of Gary Craig’s EFT Manual. I truly wish I had simply tapped more. Instead of trying to “get it right”, if I had tapped more and been present in my body, the energy of EFT would have shown me what I needed to learn. I would have gotten to know myself and my own energy field better, faster, and more effectively. Going from head to body has been imperative for my own healing. Kris Ferraro

Do more of my own personal formation and work around self-discovery and self-possession. Jake Khym

I’d get myself into a regular routine and maintain it. I’ve learned that although routine is boring and sometimes feels like a slog, it’s important for retraining our nervous systems and is worth maintaining. I was always looking for the excitement of feeling blissful, not understanding that the work is gradual, non-linear, and builds on itself if you keep doing it. Ange Finn

I would have liked to reach the understanding that lack of money is a symptom of something else sooner rather than later. I spent a lot of time and money trying to make more money when instead it would have been to understand what money meant to me and what the lack of it was protecting me from. Rod Sherwin

Round Up Question 2 – What is something you have changed your mind about when it comes to healing, working with clients, or your own transformation process?

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One of my favorite aspects of the tapping community is how willing people are to share their wisdom and experience. Recently I asked a number of practitioners I admire about how they approach healing, client work, and their own journey. Below are some of my favorite answers to one of those questions. Make sure you check out all five questions.

What is something you have changed your mind about when it comes to healing, working with clients, or your own transformation process?

That I’m not their source. I’m not their guru, I’m not “taking on” patients. I’m here to assist them, not help them, so by being connected myself, they find that connection within them. Kim D’Eramo, D.O.

Whole healing focuses on the whole person. There isn’t one technique that works for everyone all the time. I searched for years. Some techniques do have miraculous stories of healing. Those clients’ core issues were often found in one layer of the human experience: physical, emotional, mental, moral, or spiritual (energetic). A deep wound or trauma usually affects most or all the layers. Whole healing, moving beyond surviving into thriving, focuses on the flow of vibrant life through all five layers of the human experience. Alan Davidson

That helping clients heal is more in the things like the quality of presence, the amount of palpable safety you can help them connect with, the felt sense of compassionate patience and witness you create for them to ‘unpack their own suitcases’ much more than the specific modality or tools you use. Jondi Whitis

Before learning EFT/Tapping, I practiced as a psychotherapist who never asked about the body and the physicality of stress. I only focused on thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I missed an entire dimension of information and intervention. Robin Bilazarian, LCSW

Recently I’ve come more to use no-words tapping, similar to Gunilla Hamne and Ulf Sandström’s Trauma Tapping Technique (TTT) method, when starting out with a new client or teaching people to tap for themselves. No words takes the edge off, doesn’t confuse, and people are more likely to use tapping for themselves when they don’t have to worry about what to say. In training starting with no-words tapping gets the message across that the tapping does the work. It’s then easier to get people out of suggestions and using language to influence. Gwyneth Moss

When I first started I thought the transformation process was about healing the emotional and physical body. After working with children with cancer, I realized that healing the body wasn’t the only goal. Sometimes the transformation process was about getting better physically and living a longer, happier life. Sometimes it was about helping the person release false beliefs and actually leave their body with an inner calm and peace. Both journeys are beautiful and heart-warming. Deborah D Miller

Sometimes the healing process brings deeper restoration than quick healing fixes. Jake Khym

When I first came into the healing profession I came from a science background. At some level that limited me, I didn’t believe that the techniques could heal everything. It didn’t fit with my “scientific perspective”. Now I am very different. I believe everything is possible. I am open to the possibility of what may happen when I work with clients. The reason for this is that I have seen so many amazing transformations through the years. Transformations that have occurred even when the client’s doctors have said, nothing more can be done to help you with this problem. Tania A Prince

I changed my mind about the need to try relentlessly to get everything down to zero, with myself and with others. I’ve learned to help my clients understand that getting an issue to a low but manageable level can sometimes be enough, so that we don’t put pressure on ourselves to achieve complete neutrality on an issue. Ange Finn

That healing can happen in an instant – it doesn’t need to take weeks or months. Peta Stapleton

We are all more resilient than we think we are. Just when you think nothing can change or when you think you have done everything possible to make a change, or when you think you have to learn to live with pain, or it’s just meant to be this way…there is always another way. There is ALWAYS another way. Julie Schiffman

I now know from experience that many of the things I accepted as true about me were really just beliefs that I had attached to. Now, I don’t accept anything is necessarily set in concrete, everything is potentially open to change. Steve Wells

Trying to force change with affirmations doesn’t work: No one likes to be told what to do. Trying to force change by tapping in positive affirmation usually results in more resistance to change. Instead, I would rather tapping on the resistance and barriers to change and then test if the affirmation feels real rather than trying to beat it into me.
This also applies to the more extreme forms of personal change where the consequences of not changing are magnified to cause you so much pain that your system cannot stay there and instead you must go to a different place. There are much more gentle ways to make change without the fear, drama, and intensity. Rod Sherwin

I used to believe that everyone wants to heal as quickly as possible, but that just isn’t true. The blocks and reversals that go along with chronic conditions stand in the way of full alignment between the subconscious and conscious choice to heal quickly.
Alina Frank

When I first started working with clients, I was very intent on being totally present and very observant. I think I was afraid I would miss some all-important signals, and therefore shortchange my clients.
Over time I came to realize that the more relaxed I am, the more easily I can tune in to the client’s needs and my own intuition. Then I can be of service at the highest level possible and participate in the healing process more fully. The more relaxed I am, the more relaxed and trusting my clients are, enabling them to open up faster, go deeper, and speed up their own healing process. Who knew that could all come from me relaxing more?
Janet Hilts

I used to believe that it was possible to heal without experiencing any pain, and if we were intentional about our healing and growth process, we could grow without discomfort. I no longer believe that – instead, I think that discomfort shows us where we need to heal, and gives us opportunities. We can remove discomfort and pain (that’s what healing is all about, both emotional and physical) but we don’t grow if we never experience it.
Pamela Bruner

Round Up Question 1 – What lessons have clients taught you about healing?

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One of my favorite aspects of the tapping community is how willing people are to share their wisdom and experience. Recently I asked a number of practitioners I admire about how they approach healing, client work, and their own journey. Below are some of my favorite answers to one of those questions. Make sure you check out all five questions

What lessons have clients taught you about healing

If I just hold the space from the deepest part of myself, present to my depth, my darkness, my pain, my light, all of it unconditionally, HEALING HAPPENS AUTOMATICALLY through them. I’m not “doing” anything but allowing it. Kim D’Eramo, D.O.

I always say my clients are the experts and I am the educated guide. I learn where to go and where not to go. I am always respectful that my thoughts are different from my clients’ thoughts. If I ask what bothers them about work, I think they will say their boss or co-workers. I am surprised when they say the commute. So, I have learned to keep asking questions, keep exploring and being a detective to understand what this situation and emotion is for them. Robin Bilazarian, LCSW

I’ve learned that self-judgment of our uncomfortable emotions prevents them from processing naturally like they are designed to do. This is the brilliance of the EFT setup statement. We start with simply stating the truth. Of course, it’s not always that simple because we aren’t often honest with ourselves – or it’s not conscious – about what we are feeling and why. We get to tap on that confusion, the ruses, the excuses, and the truth then presents itself. As soon as we clear the judgment, shame, lack of acceptance of and resistance to pain, the rest of the clearing often happens quite organically. It’s always been easier to see this self-judgment in my clients than myself. It’s led me to take my own advice and that has made a tremendous difference for me. Kris Ferraro

I learned that no matter how much I know or how much I want to give and support someone in their healing journey, they will receive only up to the point that they are ready to receive. Thus, whatever I have to offer, I give it with all my heart and allow the person to receive what he/she can receive. It will be perfect. Deborah D Miller

I have learned four lessons. People are much stronger than they seem. Motivation is key to healing. People aren’t as self-aware as they might believe. Clients notice what’s happening in the heart of the therapist more than it might seem, so authenticity is key. Jake Khym

I have learned to respect their healing path and to respond with patience. I’ve learned to set my agenda aside and keep meeting them where they are each time. When I do this, we make progress–not on my timetable but on theirs. Ange Finn

What I’m learning from clients now is that psychological and emotional safety is the number one condition for healing. That psychological/emotional safety is a much more ‘slippery’ deal than we realize. With the majority of clients they will say that they are experiencing safety, however that is a ‘conditioned safety’ or what I’m calling a ‘pseudo safety’ which has more in common with a nervous system chronically conditioned to a freeze response rather than a true embodied sense of safety. This makes the EFT conversation around psychological reversal enormously important. As well the conversation around the pace of the work with clients. Nancy Forester

Healing is possible even when they are and I am convinced it isn’t. There is a deeper part of us that is always working to make us whole and when we can engage with it. Healing isn’t just possible, it is inevitable. Steve Wells

I am always in awe of what /people are willing to do to become more of who they really are. Clients are willing to take the leap with someone they barely know and then share their deepest fears and trust that they will be safe. Mary Ayers

Especially when using Emotional Freedom Techniques, I have learned that the real issue isn’t always what the conscious mind thinks it is. A client will often present themselves in my office and tell me all about “their issue” only to later discover that it’s really something quite different than what they thought. I have come to realize that the conscious mind often has little idea of what’s going on within the subconscious mind, which is where the actual issues reside.
Ted Robinson

Over the years I have had a few clients that completed the healing process only after I suggested they acknowledge that I am not their “healer”. They had gotten to a plateau and only after we worked on their ability to recognize that it was their own bodies that were doing the healing did they finish the process. The part of EFT that is so empowering is that much can be done on one’s own. Alina Frank

I have learnt that rapport is key. When a client feels accepted and connected for who they are, great healing occurs. Tania A Prince

Sometimes you need the courage to cry. I had been working with a client who had suffered emotional abuse from an OCD parent through all their schooling years. Every day they would put on a brave face to cope with school and the scorn and judgment of teachers and students.
After a number of tapping sessions, the control required to get through each day was slipping but the old habit of holding on to the mask was still strong. Eventually, as we tapped on the fear of letting go and the courage it had taken to survive all those years the release of tension and shame resulted in a much-needed release of tears and stress from their whole body. It takes great courage to let go and cry and we can help ourselves and others to find the courage required to do so within themselves.
Rod Sherwin

Overcome The Three Biggest Obstacles To Tapping Success

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When people first sign up for my mailing list I send them an email asking them for the two biggest obstacles they encounter when tapping for their issues.

Far and away the three most common responses are:

  1. Not taking the time to tap even when you know you should.
  2. Not knowing what to say when tapping.
  3. Not knowing where to start with a particular issue.

In many ways I think the second and third responses are the reasons for the first. If you don’t know what to say or where to start, you will avoid tapping. Nobody likes to feel incompetent.

In the end, it feels safer subconsciously and emotionally not to try than to deal with feeling inadequate.

I know I behave in this way from time to time.

There is a simple solution, but first a little story…

It was a great big experiment
Back in January I had this wild idea of offering just a few people the opportunity to tap with me for 15 minutes once week for an entire year. When I made the offer I mainly felt confident that it would work, but at the same time I was a little nervous.

First, I was nervous because I had never made an offer like this before and I didn’t know how my audience would respond. Second, I had never worked clients in that way before. I was confident in my ability and confident in the power of tapping regularly, but I didn’t know how the format it would work out for clients.

It was an experiment.

AND it turned out even better than I planned. I absolutely love these client calls! It is so much fun to work with a client over a long period and have the chance to help them exactly where they are each week.

What the participants are saying
It’s one thing for me to feel like the process has been a success, it is something else to hear from the people with whom I have been tapping. Last week I sent each of the participants a note asking if they would be willing to share their experience.

Here is what a few of them had to say:

“With the combination of tapping, Gene’s insights, and the recordings to use forever after, SO much is accomplished in just 15 minutes! I’m very grateful — and a little amazed — by the richness of these short sessions.”

“When I saw Gene’s offer for weekly 15-minute tapping sessions, I jumped at the chance. I appreciate the brevity of the appointments, the ease of scheduling sessions online, getting reminders via email, and that Gene calls me and I don’t have to do anything but answer my phone. I would probably not find time to tap without these quick weekly sessions. Gene has a gift for finding exactly the right thing to tap about in a thoughtful and non-judgmental way.” — Catherine

“Tapping with Gene has been one of the most effective forms of personal development work I have experienced. Gene has the unique gift for grasping the topic I want to work on with minimal explanations and instantly finds the right words to help uncover core issues. Additionally his sense of humor makes working with him as pleasurable as it is rewarding.”

“Here’s what you need to know – 1) It’s definitely worthwhile and amazing value for money, and 2) 15 minutes is definitely long enough for a highly impactful session! Furthermore, Gene records the sessions which means I can go back to them at any time and draw on what we did together on that day. I now have new resources I didn’t have before that are helping me each day to cope in a world where we’re all way too busy and believe that perfection is the standard.” — Caren Hendrie

“This is the most helpful thing that I am doing right now for my business and for my personal healing. Gene is a first-class coach who focuses just on my needs and the weekly sessions allow me just the right amount of time to digest what we discuss and to have my questions ready for the next session. Feeling totally supported in this way means I can take bolder steps. Things are really shifting.” — Dan

Why work with a practitioner?
One of reasons that tapping with another person can feel so much more powerful than tapping alone is because it solves the three problems listed above. First, you show up to tap because you have made the commitment, second, they provide the words for you, and third (when they are a skilled practitioner) they help you quickly to get to the root cause of what is going on.

Clients have told me countless times, “I had no idea that was the real issue. Thanks for helping me to find it!”.

Room for 6 more people
It’s been a lot of fun doing this type of work and I have seen how powerful these regular sessions have been for my clients, so I have decided to open up the offer to six more people in a slightly modified way.

You can have someone to help you to tap every week for the next six months for only $997. That price represents a 30% discount off my normal hourly rate.

There are only six spots. Once they are filled, that’s it. In order to be fully present to each of my clients I have to limit how many new people I can take on.

Read all of the details below carefully before you sign up. If you have any questions all you need to do is reply to this email.

  • You will receive a 15-minute session once a week for six months (26 weeks).
  • You are allowed to skip two weeks and have them added to the end of the six months.
  • You may not combine weeks to create longer sessions.
  • I am available for sessions 7:00 am to 5:30 pm Eastern time Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. My regular office hours are between 10:00 am and 5:30 pm. I have added the extra morning hours just for this program.
  • Because of travel I am not always available every single Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, but will always be available at least two of these days a week.
  • It is the client’s responsibility to schedule their sessions on my online calendar.
  • The purchase is non-refundable.
  • Every effort will be made to record the sessions so that you can go back and tap along to the audio again in the future, but there is no guarantee the session will be recorded. I make every effort to make this happen, but very occasionally technical issues that corrupt the audio get in the way.

I know. All of those details seem kind of heavy and not in the spirit of healing. I wrote those bullet points in blunt terms to make sure that we are all on the same page.

Like I said, there are only six spots.

If you would like to sign up, you can do so here: https://tappingqanda.com/6months

Filed Under: Q&A

10-Part Weight Release Series with EFT

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My friend Catherine Poole uses the term “weight release” instead of “weight loss”. I prefer “weight release” because I think it speaks to a more holistic approach to improving health than just diet and exercise.

It is about allowing our system to let go of the weight that we are holding on to for both physical and emotional reasons.

Here is a 10-part guide to using EFT and tapping for weight release.

Part 1: Making it safe and giving ourselves permission to heal

Part 2: How to respond when our weight release goals don’t feel emotionally believable

Part 3: The connections between weight and emotion – an interview with Catherine Poole

Part 4: Dealing with mindless eating

Part 5: Pre-emptive tapping to avoid temptation

Part 6: Our relationship to food

Part 7: Our relationships to others when we are around food

Part 8: Why we don’t tap even when we know it works

Part 9: The emotional reason for extra weight

Part 10: Tapping to improve metabolic function

Do I Have To Say The Phrases Out Loud When I Use EFT?

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #4. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Do I Have To Say The Phrases Out When Tapping-Question: I would like to know whether it is best to talk out loud when you’re tapping or if it’s okay to just focus on the issue, memory, or body sensation without using words? I wonder if whether using words silently or out loud engages a specific part of the brain and whether or not this has a different effect?
Jane in France

This question shows up in lots of ways. Sometimes I would get emails that ask me, “What are the tapping phrases for in certain issues?” As if there are some sort of specific magical phrases for tapping.

We know for tapping to be successful, it’s a combination of two things:

  1. We are tuning in concentrating on the issue, and
  2. We are providing stimulus to the tapping points.

That’s where the relief comes from.

The way that we tune in can be different from moment to moment, from person to person. It is possible for me to say words out loud and not have it be a focusing factor. I can say, “this pain in my knee, this pain in my knee, this pain in my knee” and be completely preoccupied with my laundry or the errands I have to run. It doesn’t matter that I’m saying the words out loud.

There are other times where I can be completely focused and engrossed in my knee and not say any words at all, just in the way that I put my attention.

For me, what I think most important is to create concrete details about what we are tapping on. For us to have concrete details we need to give the issue language. As an example, I want you to think about an apple.

As you did that you might have thought of a computer or you might have thought of an apple, like a piece of fruit. What I want you to do is to focus on a piece of fruit if you thought of a computer.

I want you to describe the apple. What does it look like? Does it have a stem? Does it have a leaf? What color is it? Is it red, is it green, is there yellow because it’s still ripening? Is it firm? Is it kind of mushy?

As you tune into it you start to give it specific characteristics as it comes into sharper focus. When we’re tapping, the sharper focus we can bring something in, the more successful the tapping is going to be.

That doesn’t mean we have to have it in sharp focus. It simply means anytime we can get the focus sharper it will allow us to move forward.

There are times when I am tapping with a client and they are just bawling hysterically so I really don’t need to ask them, “Zero to ten, how big is your sadness? Where do you feel it in your body?” That’s not the question I need to ask. It is something that is so consuming and they are so tuned into it in this moment, we just have to tap.

When this happens what we’ll notice is as they tap and the intensity comes down, all of a sudden they will start to having language for it. It’s heaviness in my chest, it’s a burden on my shoulders, it’s tears stuck behind my eyes. As the intensity comes down, the clarity becomes useful because it’s becoming smaller and smaller and it’s not our entire experience.

For me it doesn’t matter if I say the words out loud or I think them internally, what’s important is how specific I’m getting.

For example, if I’m tapping on a pain I’ll ask myself these questions:

  • What is the shape of the pain?
  • Does it have an epicenter or is it evenly distributed?
  • Is it sharp, dull, hot, poky, burning?
  • If I were going to paint a picture of this pain what colors would I paint it?
  • Is there an epicenter?
  • If I pulled it out of my leg and I held it in my hand, how much would the pain weigh?
  • If I was going to make a model of this pain so I can show it to second grade class, what materials would I use to demonstrate what it feels like?

None of those questions are diagnostic. It’s just about me focusing in and being really clear about what’s going on. I find that if I’m writing something down on a piece of paper or if I’m saying it out loud, I won’t take shortcuts. I’m going to be specific about what I am saying.

When I teach classes even if people aren’t taking notes and they’re recording it, I have them pretend they’re taking notes and not just by moving their hand like they’re writing, but actually have them make the letters of the notes they would be writing down. Because by forcing ourselves to give words to an experience we’re making it more concrete, and the more concrete we are, the more successful the tapping will be. For me it’s less of an issue of out loud or not. That’s not what the issue is, the issue is whether or not I’m being specific with the words that I’m saying, and as I’m specific with the words it allows me to release and create transformation.

What To Do When The SUD Scale Doesn’t Work For You

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #3. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

what-to-do-with-sudQuestion: For people who don’t like numbers and tend to measure intensity in very subjective terms, how do you guide them to more meaningful/useful measurements?
Meg, Maryland

When he came up with EFT Gary Craig used the measurement called a SUDs level, which stands for “subjective unit of distress”. What is really interesting in this question is it feels as if when we’re using numbers we’re giving something that’s concrete because it’s measurable and it’s a number. But the truth of the matter is that even when we are putting a number on something, it’s still subjective.

From the very beginning recognize the fact that it’s not about getting something to a three from a seven and bringing it down, it’s more about creating progress and way of measuring that progress.

Often times when work with children for whom assigning a numerical value to something is meaningless because they don’t have a conceptual sense of numeracy, other than knowing their age just because they’ve been told it. So instead will have kids use hand gestures, kind of like they’re showing me the size of the fish.

How big is your anger right now? Or, how big is the nervousness in your stomach? Show me with your hands how big it is. And they really like that.

Again, it’s subjective and it’s giving us this measurement. The thing that’s most important about using any sort of measurement is to give us feedback about the tapping we’re doing to see if we’re heading in the right direction.

There are three types of responses that we can have to tapping.

The first type of response is we feel better. I’m thinking about an issue. I’m thinking about a worry. I am not as worried and the number goes down. Or my anger goes down from a seven to a four. There’s less anger and the intensity of that emotion decreases from a seven to a four.

The second type of response is there’s absolutely no change at all. We do a round of tapping, it’s still in the exact same spot.

The third type of response that we can have is it can actually get worse, or it feels like it is getting worse. For example the first time I tuned into this pain in my knee it was a seven but now that I’ve tapped on a couple of rounds, it’s now a nine.

Let’s take those three responses and just see what they mean.

The first response, it gets better. Well, that’s what’s happening, it’s getting better and that means we’re on the right path. Once it has gotten better we now ask ourselves the question, do I have enough relief or do I want more relief to what is going on? Because sometimes the goal isn’t to get the issue to a zero.

For example, when I’m at a holiday party and I see the sweets over there and I’m really craving sweets, I don’t have to eliminate the craving. I simply have to reduce the craving enough so that I am not tempted to eat the treat that I don’t want to eat, and instead I make a good sensible eating choice based on what I consciously want to do in that moment. I just want better, I don’t necessarily need it to go away. We evaluate, has it gotten better? Has it gotten better enough that I can make a good choice? If not then we tap again to clear as much as we need to.

The second response is it stays exactly the same. If it stays exactly the same, that means is we’re either not tapping on the right issue, there is a reversal of some sort, or we need to get more specific. If this is the case we need to change our tactic so we can approach it in a different way. When we change our tactic and approach it in a different way, we put ourselves in a position where we can be more successful.

The third response is it gets worse, the pain actually intensifies, the anger intensifies, the craving intensifies, and as odd as it seems, that’s actually a really good thing. Not that it’s more painful, not that it’s more intense, but it’s a really good thing because it means that we’re on the right path. Think of it this way. Your knee aches, you have had a knee problem for years and years. As you move through the day you don’t notice it but when you get home from work, you sit down on the couch, take off your shoes, lean back, and then all of a sudden your knee starts to throb.

The sitting on the couch did not cause your knee to hurt more but instead because you’ve been dealing with the business of the day you’ve been thinking about all the things that are in front of you, and so you tune out the pain in your knee in the exact same way you’re tuning out the pressure your socks are putting on your feet right now. The instant I said “socks on your feet” you felt your feet. Even if you weren’t wearing socks you feel your feet touching the floor. You brought attention to it. Your socks didn’t magically cling to your feet in that moment, you just gave them your attention.

There are times when we’re tapping when the intensity goes up because we’re just focusing on the issue that was already there and we’re shedding light on it so it feels bigger. In this process of tapping we’re just looking for feedback. I do a round of tapping I ask is it something that I think is better, is it worse, is it staying the same? That will dictate what my next step is. Either I’m done, or I need to tap more, or I need to approach it in a new way.

When I’m dealing with a client who is really struggling with assigning numbers to the questions like “how big is it?” they might say, “I have no idea how to judge how big grief is, it’s just overwhelming”. We do some rounds of tapping, after we’re done I say, “I want you to imagine what grief felt like when it was overwhelming, what’s it like now? Is it still overwhelming or is it something else?”

You’ll notice in the question I’m not asking, is it more, is it less, I’m just asking if it’s different. If it’s different I will focus in on that difference, “It’s different how? Tell me how it’s different?” If there’s still something that’s hanging around we’re just going to tap on the new thing as if it’s the only issue in the world and it’s the first thing we’ve been presented.

We simply know we’re heading in the right direction because it’s changed in some capacity.

We create this graph to show exactly how much smaller the problem is. We’re simply saying, okay, compared to what it was before, how is it now? Are you satisfied with that or do you still want change? I have found if you approach it in that way it will put you in a circumstance that will allow you to be more successful in communicating the transformational process because sometimes transformation isn’t as easy as “If it was a seven and it’s now a five”.

How To Tap For Your Loved Ones

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #2. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

How To Tap For Your Loved OnesQuestion: How can we use tapping as a remedy for others who lack confidence and suffer from various unwanted habits and physical problems?
Kesavannamboothiri, India

This question sounds like it’s about how to tap surrogately for someone else.

If you’re not familiar with the term surrogate tap, that’s basically when I am tapping on myself as a surrogate in place of you. Often people will teach that we are all connected and we can heal each other. If I just tap on myself, it will have a healing effect on you. I don’t know if that’s necessarily the case. There isn’t any specific scientific evidence that says that is possible. The study of quantum physics and the quantum mechanical principle of entrainment lead us to believe that this is something that is possible and as time passes we’re discovering more and more about this. There are some interesting studies that see this as a possibility, but they’re anything but conclusive.

With that being said, this is the way that I approach it.

The only thing that I truly have control over are the choices I make and my emotional responses. Sometimes I don’t even have control over those. But in the best of all possible worlds, when I am in a resource-rich state and I’m doing the best that I can, that is what I can control.

I can’t control you. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control choices that other people make. I can’t control the dog down the street.

I can control myself and I can control my response.

When I try to positively impact someone around me I’m not actually going to change them because I can’t do that. Instead, what I’m going to do is I’m going to change the way that I show up for them. Because if I show up in a different way, then I will give them the opportunity to make a different choice.

Here is an example to illustrate the way we show up differently and how it impacts the people around us. I travel a lot. Travel problems are inevitable. When that happens there’s this long line of people who are standing up to talk to the gate agent to make changes to their ticket because things have gone wrong.

In that moment people are frustrated because they’re out of control, they’re depending upon someone else, and typically people don’t get on planes unless it’s for something important. If I’m now delayed I’m missing that important thing, or if I’m now delayed I’m missing getting home when I need to get home or when I expect to get home and it’s causing me trouble.

It makes perfect sense that people will be disoriented and emotional in those moments. I observe people going up to talk to the gate agent after I’ve been helped. As each person approaches the counter you can see the gate agent immediately respond to the person who is in front of them based on how they emotionally show up.

If the person steps up to the counter really, really frustrated, immediately they go into defensive mode. And if the person shows up with the attitude of “This really sucks. I know this isn’t your fault. Can you please help me?” even before they say those words, you can see the gate agent actually relax a little bit because they know they’re not fighting with the person in front of them because the person they’re talking to understands what’s going on.

The way the person approaches the counter and the emotion that they are carrying gives the gate agent permission to act in a different way. The kinder they are, the more space there will be for them.

That is the way I approach tapping for others. First is how I show up emotionally. If I show up calmly and I’m not angry, or I’m not anxious, or I’m not worried, it immediately creates space for you to make better choices. The second thing is if I show up in a way in which I’m not overreacting to the way you are acting, then we’re never going to be in the circumstance where anything gets escalated, and my presence and my response makes what you’re doing worse.

Not that I’m taking responsibility for your choices but it’s possible for me to show up in ways where it makes it easier for you to be agitated because of the way I respond to what you do. My goal whenever I want to ‘tap for someone else’ is just to get myself as emotionally clear as I possibly can when I come to the situation.

The way that I do this is through a technique that I call Talk About, Talk To, and Talk As If. There’s a comprehensive explanation of this in Bonus Podcast #22. In that podcast I have a much longer explanation of this process, but I’ll give you a short explanation now so you can use it right away.

It happens in three steps:

  1. Talk about
  2. Talk to
  3. Talk as if

I use this protocol when I’m trying to get myself clear and I use it for an individual. I’m not doing it for people in general but for one person.

I tap the entire time through all three phases, tap, tap, tap. Just let your fingers do the walking. In the talk about phase, I’m going to imagine that I am sitting down with a friend and I’m catching up, and I’m just talking about what is going on for the person whose life ‘I’m tapping for’. I’m going to give them all the details and tell them how I feel. He is doing this and I feel that. She is not doing this and I feel that. I say this, they say that, I feel this. Just talking about what’s going on and then talking about how I feel. The more detail you can go into, the better. The more emotion you can tune into, the better. Again, just talk about it and tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Part two is talk to. In the talk to phase I’m going to be pretending. I don’t have the person around me, they’re not sitting across from me, but I’m going to imagine that I’m going to talk to this person whose I want life to be better. As I do this I share with them everything I want them to hear. And some of those things will be super-positive, “I love you…I want what’s best for you…I want you to heal”. Some of those things might be super-negative, “I hate the fact that you do this and it hurts my life…I hate the fact that you’re acting so selfishly that we have to pick up the pieces for you”. It can be instructive, “I really wish you would pick this up…I really wish you would try this…I really wish you would listen to your mother”. Whatever that is.

As we do this, we imagine everything we say we’re saying directly into their heart and mind, and it is being heard with the intention that we are saying it. In real life we know that’s not the case. I can say something and you can misconstrue it. I can say something and you can bring your biases to it. By doing it in this way I am ensuring I am putting myself in a position where I can just speak freely. I’m going to imagine you’re hearing it, again, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

The third part is talk as if, and in this phase we’re going to guess. We’re not going to know for certain but we’re going to guess we know why the person subconsciously is making the choices that are making. Not consciously but subconsciously. Let’s pretend that we’re really concerned about a drinking problem that a loved one has. Talking as if would be, “I have a feeling that you are drinking every single day after work because you feel really desperate and you feel hopeless, and you don’t want to stay in your apartment alone and drinking a lot numbs the pain”.

When I say that I’m not saying it’s a good choice. I’m not saying it’s a valid way to act. It’s not saying that you don’t have to take responsibility for the bad outcome of that. I’m simply explaining from a subconscious level why they act the way that they do.

Or it could be, I have a feeling that the reason you overreact at work all the time is because in your last job you weren’t taken seriously, so every time you speak up you’re still fighting to be taken seriously. That’s the reason why you’re so combative. I don’t know if that’s the case but I’m guessing. What we do is we take this part and we tune into the person and we do all three steps.

We talk about, we talk to, we talk as if. I found when we do this we show up in a very different way, which makes the relationship better, and we create space, which allows them to make healthier choices. Doesn’t mean that they’re always going to, doesn’t mean they have to change, but we’re creating the space and the opportunity for that to happen.

Transformation As A Process, Not A Single Giant Step

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In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #1. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Transformation As A Process, Not As A Single Giant StepQuestion: When you’re doing your tap-along audios you say the words “in big and small” ways a lot. I never really connected with these phrases. Could you expand on why you use those phrases?
– Melissa, Texas

There’s a specific reason why I use those phrases. Our subconscious mind is very good at making the things we experience in the world into all or nothing propositions. The reason it does this is because every single time we have to think a new thought, it costs us energy.

Thinking is one of the most energy intensive things that we do in our bodies. That’s the reason why if you ever go to a training course and you’re learning new things all day, at the end of the day you just feel like you’ve been flattened and wiped out energetically, even though the only thing you’ve done is just sat there and listened and taken notes. Because you’re thinking so hard it is very energy intensive.

As we navigate our day, the reason we have habits is so we don’t have to think. A number of studies have been done where they have taken nodes and stuck them right into the middle of the brains of rats as they are learning a maze and making the maze a habit. Once it becomes a habit, it takes very little energy for them to navigate the maze because they’re simply responding to the habit they have developed.

Where that shows up in the rest of our life is it makes things into all or nothing propositions because we don’t have to think. If everything is good or everything is bad about something, then there’s no nuance, there’s no subtlety. The instant we bring subtlety into play, it’s a bad idea…except in this situation…because of these extenuating circumstances…it’s actually a good idea. That takes a lot of capacity.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s what I think we should be doing. I think we should be thoughtful as we navigate this. When we’re talking about transformation and we’re tapping on the phrase “I allow myself to change this in big and small ways”, what I’m doing for myself – and this might not resonate with you and might not work with you – is I’m communicating with myself that this transformation doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition.

Often really small changes add up into amazing things in my life…when a small change is multiplied by every moment of my day, or every moment of my week, or every moment of my life. When I use that phrase “in big and small ways” I’m encouraging my system to remember that is how transformation can happen and it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition. And I found for myself it allows change to happen more quickly because it’s opening my system to incremental change and not making the transformation all at once.

Pod #236: Your Questions about EFT Answered

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QandA BlueA few weeks ago I put out the call for your questions about EFT and how to best use it.

I received a number of amazing questions. (Note: If you would like a question answered on a future podcast please send it to me via this link)

In this episode I answer questions about:

  • The phrases I use when I tap.
  • Surrogate tapping for the physical and emotional needs of loved ones.
  • How to use the SUDs scale when you don’t like using numbers.
  • Saying tapping phrases out loud when you are tapping alone.

You can find the full transcript of the audio below the player.

Transcripts of the questions and answers:

Will Tapping To Negative Phrases Manifest Negative Outcomes?

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Should I avoid negative phrases when tapping-

Question: I am worried that if I say negative phrases while tapping I will bring negative things into my life. How can I use EFT without having to use negative phrases?

I have received this question a lot and there are few reasons why it’s such a common question.

First, some people don’t want to focus on the negative because they are worried that they will tap something negative into their system. When we are tapping we are not tapping anything in or anything out of our system. Instead we releasing the thoughts and beliefs that are not useful. It is a process of returning to our natural emotional balance.

Second, some people believe that the subconscious mind does not understand negative statements and take these as statements of desire. For example, the belief is that since your subconscious mind doesn’t understand the negative when you say “I don’t want to be fat!” the subconscious hears “I want to be fat!”

There is no proof that this is the case (as in this has never been proven in the context of scientific experimentation). AND I could not find an explanation why it would be useful for our subconscious mind to screen out the negative.

I believe it works in exactly the opposite way. Instead of not hearing the negative, I believe that if there is any belief in our subconscious mind about a negative outcome, it will present itself no matter what we say.

Positive v Negative Phrases

Let’s take a look at what happens when we are tapping using both negative and positive tapping phrases. For this example we are going to use the issue of wanting to lose weight.

If we used negative phrases we might tap on something like this:

I have failed before at losing weight…and I’m worried that I will fail again…every time I lose the weight it creeps back…but this time will be different…not only do I have a plan to lose the weight…but I have a support system in place…to help me keep it off.

If instead we decided tap with positive phrases, it would go like this:

I am going to lose weight…I am going keep the weight off…I am going to look awesome…I am going to feel so much better.

On the surface it looks as if we are only focusing on the positive, but our internal monologue is very different. Every time one of those phrases is said out loud if there is any part of the system that doesn’t believe the phrase to be true, the critical voice will speak up to voice its objections. It might go something like this:

What is said Out loud: I am going to lose weight.
What the internal critical voice says in response: And then gain it right back.
Out loud: I am going keep the weight off.
Critical voice: No you aren’t. You failed before and you will fail again.
Out loud: I am going to look awesome.
Critical voice: Only for a short while.
Out loud: I am going to feel so much better.
Critical voice: And then the weight will pile back on and you will feel like crap.

You can see that when we only focus only on the positive and there is a part of us that doesn’t believe the positive statement, the negative will show up.

The good news about this that it doesn’t matter if we use positive or negative phrases because either way we will find our way to tapping on the issues needing attention.

Which Should I Tap On?

The question becomes “Should I use positive or negative phrases while tapping?” For me, the answer is both.

If I recognize a specific limiting belief or block, like the fear of gaining the weight back, my tapping will be most effective if I go right at that issue.

At the same time, when I state the goal I want to achieve in the positive I will find my way to negative self-talk and limiting beliefs that I didn’t know existed.

When tapping I recommend that you alternate between positive and negative phrases so that you get both of these benefits.

Tapping Tools You Might Have Forgotten About

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ToolsForgottenMany people don’t know that the T in EFT stands for “Techniques”, which is plural.

When Gary Craig, the creator of EFT, was studying Thought Field Therapy and teaching EFT, he understood that the process would grow and change with time. Each time a new person learned tapping, they had the opportunity to add a new twist.

I love the fact that tapping is constantly growing and changing. The way I use tapping today is radically different than just five years ago. I have added techniques from hypnosis, NLP, parts mediation, and many other protocols to my work. (Learn how I use these other techniques with tapping.)

One of the drawbacks to all of this innovation is that we end up leaving behind lots of useful tools and techniques. In the last few months I have found myself returning to many of these older, forgotten tools because they work.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Collarbone Eye Roll

I find that the Collarbone Eye Roll is most useful when the intensity of the issue you are working on is at a 2 or less on a scale of 0–10. It is also a great way to seal your work. If it feels like there is a shadow of an issue left after you have worked on it, the Collarbone Eye Roll is a great way to resolve that feeling.

To do the Collarbone Eye Roll focus on the issue you are tapping for, tap on the collarbone point and continue to tap there until you finish this routine.

While tapping keep your head still and your eyes open:

  • rotate your eyes 3 times clockwise
  • rotate your eyes 3 times counterclockwise
  • move your eyes from floor to ceiling 3 times, like you are watching a helium filled balloon rise up
  • dart your eyes left to right 3 times, as if you are watching the ball in a tennis match

Finger Points

When you look at most tapping point diagrams you see only the ones that are on the body. Even in my book on using EFT for Anger Management I excluded these points.

There were a few reasons I moved away from teaching the finger points:

  • The main reason was that I was having enough success with just the tapping points on the head and body so didn’t feel that I needed them.
  • It was easier to use fewer points when teaching beginners.
  • When I was working on the phone with clients who didn’t have a headset, I found they were awkward points to reach because they were holding the phone with one hand.

Recently, when tapping for my own issues, I have found myself using the finger points more and more and they have been very effective at clearing issues quickly.

Rubbing The Sore Spot

In the early versions of tapping we were instructed either to tap on the side of the hand or to “rub the sore spot” when we repeated the set-up phrase.

The sore spot is located between the shoulder, collarbone, and pectoral muscle. It is called the sore spot because it can feel tender. This is the place in the body where the by-products of the lymphatic system are dumped.

In addition to adding this to the beginning of my tapping sessions, I find it relaxing to rub the sore spot even when I am not working on a particular issue.

Liver Spot

The liver spot is located directly below the nipples on the edge of the rib cage. I think one of the main reasons the liver spot is not often taught is because some people find it embarrassing to explain in mixed company.

Tapping on the liver spot is great for helping to relieve frustration, anger, and rage.

Doing More, Not Less

I can appreciate the move to simplify tapping, but I worry that sometimes in our attempts to make it simpler, we end up losing some of its power.

Please let me know what your experience is of bringing back some of these often forgotten tapping points.

How To Tap For Any Emotion In 10 Easy Steps

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How To Tap For Any Emotion In 10 Easy StepsLightBlue

One of the easiest ways to tap for an issue is by using the storytelling or movie techniques where you are tapping and working through the basic facts of the story. It can be harder to tap on your own when you don’t have a specific story to tap on.

When we feel an emotion strongly but it is not attached to one particular event or situation, it can be hard to find a story to tap through. Here is a simple process you can use to tap on an emotion when you are in this position.

This is also an excellent tool to use when you are teaching someone to tap. If you follow these steps, writing your answers out on a sheet of paper, not only will you have a successful tapping session, but you will also end up with a tapping script that you can use again.

1) Name The Emotion

This seems like an obvious first step, but sometimes we don’t name what we are experiencing in detail. The more detail we have, the more effective our tapping will be. There is a difference between anger, rage, and betrayal. On the surface we might simply say we are mad, but as we investigate more thoroughly, we can see the subtleties to the emotions we are feeling.

The Center For Non-Violent Communication has come up with a great list of emotions. Print this out and read it over. It will help you to tune into what you are feeling in detail.

2) Name A Specific Instance

In as much detail as you can come up with, describe one specific occasion when you felt this emotion. Talk about who was there, what was said, what you were thinking at the time, what you are thinking now as you remember it, and all the outcomes of the situation.

Imagine you are sitting across from me in a coffee shop and telling me what happened as if I know none of the details.

3) Rate The Emotion On The SUD Scale

On a scale of 0 to 10 rate how large the emotion feels right now. SUD stands for “Subjective Units of Distress” and the SUD Scale is a subjective rank from 0 (no emotion at all) to 10 (overwhelmed by the emotion to the point it is all you can think about).

4) Describe The Physical Sensations

Describe the physical sensations that go along with the emotion in as much detail as possible. In which part (or parts) of the body do you feel it? Is it hot, tight, heavy, itchy, stiff, trembling, clenching, or some other feeling? Do you feel it in more than one part of your body? Describe each part separately. Is there some sort of mental dialogue going on as you feel the emotion? What is the internal voice saying? Who does the voice sound like? Who does it remind you of?

5) List 3 Things That Went Wrong

Because of the instance you describe above what are (at least) three things that went wrong and how were/are you impacted by these outcomes? Sometimes one moment can impact later events and moments. Don’t just think of what went wrong in the moment, but also how it affected later moments. Again, the more detail you use, the better.

6) List 3 Outcomes You Would Like To Have Happen Instead

After something goes wrong there are ways we would like to see it turn out better. What are (at least) three hopes you have for how this could turn out better in the future? Is there a relationship you would like to see mended? Is there something you would like someone to do? Is there a lesson you would like to learn? It is helpful to name how we would like things to turn out.

7) Re-rate On The SUDS Scale

After doing these steps I always like to re-rate the level of emotion. One of three outcomes are possible.

First, the number could go up. This is because you have now spent time thinking about the issue in detail. Often this tunes us into the issue more sharply so that we notice it more, making it feel bigger.

Second, you might notice that the number goes down. Many times simply getting something out of your head will be enough to diminish its intensity. Our minds can be relentless echo chambers, taking negative thoughts or emotions and bouncing them around over and over again. When we drag them into the light of day they often lose their power.

Finally, there might be no change at all. This simply means that the emotion will need more tapping to get it moving.

8) Start To Tap

Go back to the top of your notes. Start reading what you have written out loud as you tap. At the end of each sentence move to the next tapping point.

This is not a race. There is no reason to rush. As you read what you have written out loud pay close attention to the words you are saying. If you are describing what happened then try to relive what you are saying. If you are describing how you would like to see things turn out in the future, really tune into the emotion of having the new and better outcome.

9) Take Notes While You Are Tapping

As you reread what wrote before it is possible that additional details will come into focus. You may also notice new and even better outcomes around this issue for the future. If these things come to mind it is a good idea to take the time to write them down. Not only will you learn valuable things about this specific issue, but you will also learn things about yourself and the larger scope of this particular emotion.

10) Re-Rate One More Time

After you have read through what you have written and have tapped along, re-rate the issue to see where it is now. If you are down to a zero you are done, if you are not then you have the opportunity to move back to the top of the page and tap again.

Conclusion

It is possible to feel an emotion, tap in the moment, and feel better in that moment without making any lasting change. By taking the time to tap through your emotion in this systematized way, not only will you feel better in the moment, but you will be working towards lasting change.

Download a PDF of this article!

Facing My Fears Unexpectedly Led To Action

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The Cost Of Looking Fear In The Eye

a sink full of dirty dishes made me happyLast year I spent some time trying to figure out what my next venture would be.

Working on a new project that calls on my creativity feeds my soul.

The project I was considering was a new podcast called “Facing Fear”. My plan was to record a weekly podcast where I would explore one of my deepest, darkest fears.

I’m talking about the kind of fears that would have me tossing and turning for hours in the middle of the night.

Fears like:

    • There is nothing exceptional about me.
    • I’m 42. Since I haven’t found anyone to love me yet, I never will, and will die alone.
    • I spend too much time worrying about my own crap and my loved ones don’t know that I care about them.
    • I am just filling my life with tasks so as to avoid facing my loneliness.
    • At my core I am really a selfish person. I worry more about replacing my computer than I do about the real suffering in the world.

 

I know. It’s upbeat stuff. My heart aches a little just in typing that list.

Each morning I set aside a little time to work on the project.

My list grew and grew as I tried to find the ten “best” fears for the first set of shows. I started outlining short essays about each fear and what I believed to be the root cause.

I found myself practicing the wording about the fears for the recordings while I was in the shower or on my exercise bike.

Then something really unexpected happened…

One afternoon I went to get a glass of water and there were no glasses in my cupboard.

A Pile Of Dishes In The Sink And No Clean Bowls Or Glasses

I know that an empty cupboard isn’t really such an odd thing but let’s consider a few facts.

    • I live alone.
    • I have at least a dozen glasses.
    • When I am looking for an excuse to be busy and feel productive I do dishes.

 

That last point is the important one.

Whenever I am trying to avoid my worries about things that feel dangerous or overwhelming I head straight to my kitchen and clean.

In that moment I noticed that my counter and sink were cluttered with dishes. Almost every dish I owned was visible and dirty.

And the reason was because I was so busy doing more important tasks that I wasn’t feeling the negative emotions about those tasks.

By thinking about this new podcast I was facing my fears head on and healing them.

I have never been so happy to see a pile of dirty dishes in my life!

It Wasn’t Just Clearing Core Issues. There Was Another Key Factor

I need to be clear it wasn’t just a matter of facing my fears. Three key factors created the change:

    1. I named my fears fully and honestly.
    2. I thought about the root causes of those fears in a systematic way.
    3. I was working towards a clear set of goals.

 

Wallowing in my fears would not have been helpful. That can become self-indulgent and unhealthy.

Taking the time to uproot the fears meant that I was healing and feeling better BUT real transformation only happened because I had a clearly-defined list of goals and I was able to step into action.

The Right Number Of Goals

I think there was also a secondary factor that contributed to my success in taking action: I had the right number of goals.

There have been times in my life where I have had a full page of detailed goals. Goals for my personal life, my physical health, my spiritual growth, and my business.

It’s great to have that sort of clarity, but in truth I have found it difficult to commit to working towards so many goals.

Around the time I started working on the fear project I had pared down my list of goals to just three.

I wasn’t saying that my life was perfect or that I only needed to work on three goals but by focusing on just three I was able to give each one the attention required to make real progress. I had learned that spreading myself too thinly meant that I wasn’t moving forward with anything.

You Can Do This Too!

I want you to have the opportunity to experience what I did.

I want you to have the opportunity to find and clear the core issues holding you back. I want you to have a clear idea of what you want AND I want to support you so you don’t have to figure this out on your own.

In the past I have offered 8-month programs which have been more geared toward business owners.

This winter I am offering a 4-month program focused on transformation in your daily life.

This program will help you to get clear about what you want, uncover what is holding you back, and guide you as you clear those issues systematically.

Here Is What The Program Includes:

This will be in the format of a 3-hour phone or Skype call, which will be recorded. (Yes, we will take breaks as needed.) At the end of the call we will have a clear plan with well-framed goals and benchmarks to measure your progress along the way. (Assessments, planning sessions, tap-along audio, clearly articulated goals, and plan – $1000 value)

[Note: We don’t have to do this as a call. You are welcome to come to NYC and we can do this work together in person. I will even buy you lunch!]

After each call you will receive an audio recording of the session so that you can return to the tapping we did AND you will be given a tapping code that you can do twice a day to help you to continue clearing the issues covered during the session.

    • Goal, Asset, and Obstacle Assessment – Before we can begin we need to know where you are right now in your life. This assessment is designed to help us gain a clear picture of the obstacles you face and your unaccessed assets to allow you to reach your goals (even if you aren’t quite sure what they are right now).

       

    • Core Issue Assessment – Most of my clients have one or two core issues holding them back in many areas of their life. This assessment will help us to zero in on those core issues to guide our work.

       

    • Assessment Prep Tap-Along Audio – Starting a process like this can feel a little scary. You might be worried that we will uncover something awful or that you will do the assessment wrong. There are no right or wrong answers in these assessments but to make it easier for you I have created a tap-along audio to help you to feel comfortable and safe as you go through the process.

       

    • Kick Start Planning Call And Long Term Plan – After you have completed the assessments and I have had the chance to study them we will create your personal plan. During this call we’ll define your focus for the program in the form of three goals. We will also find clarity on which core issues we will target head on.

       

    • 14 Weekly 45-Minute Coaching and Tapping Calls – Each week we will have a 45-minute call in which we will review the week’s progress, tap for any new issues that have arisen, tap on the core issues standing in the way of progress, and create very specific actions steps to be taken over the next week. ($2100 value)
    • Weekly SOS Tapping Call – Sometimes issues and resistance to taking action pop up. I would hate for you to feel like you have to wait for our next call to receive tapping help. Every week you will have the opportunity to have one 15-minute SOS call where you can jump on the phone and do a little tapping with me. ($700 value)

       

    • Email Support – This is something that I only offer to clients working with me for a long period of time. I will respond to any email within 24 hours. This is a great way to get questions answered promptly and keep you moving toward your goals.

       

    • Advanced Tapping Techniques – In this 8-hour audio training course I teach you exactly how I tap, the tools I use in client sessions and when I am working on my own, and how to know which tools to use in each situation. ($497 value)

       

    • 10 Question Process – I use this process for tasks as small as rearranging my office and as big as creating a new product line. In over 3 hours of audios I will teach you the process so you can use it again and again to figure out your next steps and name the core issues getting in your way. ($187 value)

       

    • 6 Months Access To The Ruach Center – The Ruach Center is a membership website that has over 200 tapping audios and hours of instruction to help you to eliminate self-sabotage and take action. Every morning you will receive email with a link to a new tap-along audio to help you start off your day on the right foot. ($97 value)

       

 

[Note: If you purchased Advanced Tapping Techniques or the 10 Questions Process in the last six months I will apply that purchase price to the cost of this program.]

Yes, This Is A Serious Investment.

That is over $4800 in products and personalized service.

I am offering this program for an investment of $3750. (There is also a four month payment plan available.)

Yes, this is a serious investment.

BUT that is exactly what it is, an investment in yourself. This isn’t about the next four months or about achieving some short term goals.

The transformation on offer will be carried with you throughout your life. The skills you learn through this transformation will be useful again and again in the future.

Is This Right For You?

This isn’t for everyone. Like I said above, I can only to work with 8 people in this program.

We need to make sure that we are a good fit. I don’t want you to waste your time and money. If you are interested I need you to fill out a short application (it is only four questions). After I read the application I will get in touch with you. If we seem like a good fit I’ll set up a time for us to talk so we can have a conversation to see if that is the case.

Then and only then, we will begin.

If this is going to work it has to be the right fit. This is non-negotiable for me and it should be non-negotiable for you too.

Are you interested? Then click the link and fill out the application.

>> Yes! I am ready to clear the core issues holding me back and achieve my goals!

If you have any questions just reply to this note and I will answer anything you have.

I look forward to serving you,

Gene

PS: Remember, when we clear a core issue related to a goal we are not just clearing it for that goal, but for all areas of our life. When you do this work the effect will ripple into all areas of your life and not just for four months, but for the rest of your life. Join me on this journey.

PPS: If you are a small business owner and are looking for something more comprehensive geared to growing your business reply to this message so we can set up a longer conversation.

The Problem With “I Should”

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ShouldShouldntAndOughtToA few weeks ago in When You Explain Cause And Effect Wrong It Makes Your Life Harder I started with:

When I am listening to my clients talk about their issues I am not just listening for the meaning of what they are sharing, but I am also listening to the very specific words they are using.

The words we use to describe something will impact the way we understand a situation which then in turn impacts our emotional response to the situation.

The example I love to use is when my client “Deb” said “Everyone at work hates me!”

I asked, “Really, everyone?”

She replied, “No. It’s really just Dave and Sue.”

You can see the emotional difference between “everyone” hating us and just two people hating us. (And that doesn’t even get into if they really do hate Deb.)

Should, Shouldn’t And Ought To

This week we are looking at another way in which we use language that leads us to respond to our daily experience in ways that aren’t useful. In this article we are examining the words “should”, “shouldn’t” and “ought to”.

The problem with these words is that often we give them too much weight.

When we say should or ought what we mean is “it would be my preference to have” but on an emotional level it feels like “I have failed because I haven’t.”

The same is true with shouldn’t. What we mean is “it would be my preference not to have” but we feel it as “I failed because I did.”

Let’s look at a few examples.

“I should have gotten more work done today.”
* What we mean when we say this: “In order to stay on track with this project I would have liked to have gotten more done today.”
* What we feel when we say this: “I have failed today because I don’t live up to my expectations.”

“I should have been born in a different era.”
* What we mean when we say this: “Because of my world view and preferences my life might be more enjoyable if I had been born at a different time.”
* What we feel when we say this: “I am in the wrong time and this will always be painful for me.”

“You shouldn’t be mad at me.”
* What we mean when we say this: “It hurts me that you are mad at me and you might feel differently if you have more information.”
* What we feel when we say this: “You are not allowed to feel this way and you are betraying me by doing so.”

You can see the clear emotional difference between what we mean and what we end up feeling. In all of these examples what we feel will have a much stronger (and often much less healthy) response to what is going on.

My Preference Would Be

When one of my clients uses a should, ought to, or shouldn’t I generally ask a the question “What proof do you have that it has to be this way?” Often this is enough to help them to see they are turning an opinion or preference into a fact.

When you are doing work on your own and you notice you are use one of these words, try the simple step of replacing them with “it would be my preference”.

“I should have gotten more work done today” becomes “It would have been my preference to have gotten more work done today.” It is also helpful to ask the reason why. So this example now becomes “It would have been my preference to have gotten more work done today because then we would still be on track and I wouldn’t be rushing around.”

There is still an emotional charge to that statement, but instead of feeling like a failure we feel a little rushed or overwhelmed because of the work we need to do. Even though the second emotion is also negative it is easier to respond to it in a healthier way.

Sometimes We Really Should Do Something

There will be some cases where using the word should is helpful and we don’t want to make the substitution.

For example, “I should not embezzle money from my employer” is more accurate than “It would be my preference not to embezzle money from my employer.”

If you are looking for more resources about how to respond to the things you should do check out EFT For Shoulders And Shoulds where Gwenn Bonnell shares a simple tapping process for things you feel like you should do.

When You Explain Cause And Effect Wrong It Makes Your Life Harder

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ThisDidNotCauseThat

When I am listening to my clients talk about their issues I am not just listening for the meaning of what they are sharing, but I am also listening to the very specific words they are using.

The words we use to describe something will impact the way we understand a situation which then in turn impacts our emotional response to the situation.

The example I love to use is when my client “Deb” said “Everyone at work hates me!”

I asked, “Really, everyone?”

She replied, “No. It’s really just Dave and Sue.”

You can see the emotional difference between “everyone” hating us and just two people hating us. (And that doesn’t even get into if they really do hate Deb.)

For this reason I pick apart my clients’ speech pattern to understand what is really going on vs. what they are responding to emotionally.

Cause And Effect

One of the places we commonly make the mistake of using words that do not line up with reality is in cause and effect statements.

We use cause and effect statements all the time.

  • (cause) Because I was late (effect) I missed out on the sale.
  • (cause) Because I didn’t return her phone call (effect) she didn’t know I was coming.
  • (effect) I can now legally work with clients (cause) because I passed the certification exam.
  • (cause) I forgot to close the shades (effect) so I didn’t sleep in because of the sun coming in the window.

That is not too complicated. The problem comes when we start making statements that aren’t accurate in describing their cause and effect relationship.

  • (effect) Thing went wrong this morning (cause) because it’s Monday.
  • (cause) Smoking (effect) causes cancer.
  • (effect) I don’t have a girlfriend (cause) because the men in my family are bad at relationships.

On the surface all three of these statements seem reasonable, but there are logical flaws in all of them which illustrated with a question or two.

Thing went wrong this morning because it’s Monday. Do things go wrong every Monday? Do things not go wrong on other days of the week?

Smoking causes cancer. Does everyone who smoke get cancer?

I don’t have a girlfriend because the men in my family are bad at relationships. Are all men in your family bad at relationships?

In all three cases the statements work in absolutes which lead us to react emotionally to situations in a particular way. But when we are able to see the statements for what they are then we are able to react in less emotional fashion.

Ask Questions About The Extremes

The way that we put this knowledge to use is to question our own statements. If there is something you are struggling with write down a statement that describes what you believe about the situation.

Once you have done this start to question it at the extremes. Is it really always this way? Is it really never this way? Does this outcome happen for other reasons?

By doing this we can see things more clearly which will help us to respond in a healthier way.

Can’t Keep Up? 6 Ways to Simplify Your Daily EFT Routine

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SimplifyLearning EFT can be very exciting at first. Tapping is so easy.

Anyone can do it!

It can be done anywhere!

It seems to work for everything!

You download podcasts, tapping scripts, and ebooks. You attend online seminars and sign up for programs. You start working on a personal peace procedure (listing every bad memory you have in your life to tap on in turn). You decide you are going to tap for your health, your relationships, your creativity, and getting a better job.

And then…

It just becomes too much!

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They Would Arrest You If They Could Hear Your Thoughts

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If-They-Could-Hear-Your-ThoughtsA number of years ago Andy Hunt wrote an interesting article on his site Practical Wellbeing that has stuck with me.

In Self-Hate Speech he looks at the hate speech laws of the UK and asked the question of how would law enforment respond to you if they heard the words you thought about yourself.

I don’t know about you, but I am certainly capable of thinking some nasty things about myself.

In addition to thinking nasty, hateful things about ourselves, for some reason we also give those thoughts much more weight than the positive thoughts..

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Getting Past The Extinction Burst

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Extinction-BurstYou have been there before. You are trying to make a change, like giving up sweets.

The first day is hard. The second is harder. The third day, for some unknown reason, is really easy. You feel awesome. You are making progress. Real change is happening.

Then along comes day four…

You come home from work and you find yourself eating one little piece of candy. You think, “This is no big deal. It is only one piece.”

Then it is two, then four, and then the bag is empty and you think, “Screw it! It’s too late!” and you devour every sweet in the house plus some potato chips for good measure.

Within moments you’re filled with shame and self-loathing. You wake up the next morning feeling defeated.

The Extinction Burst

What you have just experienced is an “extinction burst”. I think David McRaney described extinction burst perfectly when he writes: “a predictable and common blast of defiance from the recesses of a brain denied familiar rewards.”

In more common terms you are in the process of making a change and some part of your system is not getting what it wants, it is royally pissed off, and so it does whatever it can to get what it wants.

In our example, the body was expecting a feel good sugar high from sweets. When it didn’t get what it wanted it it turned you into an emotional monster that was willing to eat everything in sight.

What You Can Do To Overcome The Extinction Burst

First, knowledge is power. When we know that something troubling is coming (aka an inflection point) we are much more likely to make a good choice if we have a plan to deal with it.

Imagine this is like the fire drill you practiced as a kid at school. If there ever was a fire you would know exactly what to do.

The way I deal with this is when I feel an extinction burst coming on I name it and tap for it. It looks something like this:

Right now my system is throwing a bit of a temper tantrum…It wants its needs met in a way that I know is unhealthy…I know I could easily give in to its needs…And I would feel better for about 7 seconds…But then I would feel really awful and disappointed in myself…I am making choices that are going to serve me in the long term…If I can last through this extinction burst then the habit of making better choices will be stronger…I am stronger than this…And I am worthy of making the better long-term choice.

Do you think saying this out loud and tapping is silly? You’re right. But since the first of the year I have effectively fought off donuts, chocolate, and white bread just like this.

Second, understand your system is seeking to have a need filled when you are having an extinction burst. As I was working my way off sweets my body was having a hard time because it needed them. In the first 3 days where I completely cut all carbohydrates out of my diet I was having headaches in exactly the say way I had caffeine withdrawal when I cut down on coffee a few months ago.

Even when I am tapping for fighting the extinction burst there is still an underlying need for pleasure or comfort or relaxation that requires satisfaction. It’s a good idea to plan how you you can meet that need in another way.

When my friend was quitting smoking she realized that part of the reason she was doing it was because she was looking for an excuse to go outside to get away from her crazy co-workers. So when she craved a cigarette she took a walk around the block instead to give her a break from the office.

When I was cutting out carbs it was permissible for me to have a teaspoon of all natural almond butter. When the extinction burst showed up and I wanted to eat everything I would allow myself the little treat and it got me through the afternoon.

Third, it is important to have clearly defined, measurable stepping stone goals so that you can reward yourself for reaching them as you work towards a bigger goal.

For me, I usually experienced an extinction burst when there was some unmet emotional need. I am much less likely to have emotional needs when I am feeling good about myself and my progress.

To boost my self-esteem I celebrate my successes along the way. For example, every time I lost another 3 lbs of body fat I would go to one of my favorite places in NYC and take photos.

Getting outside, with no work responsibilities, trying to find beauty, and give myself a chance to work on being a better photographer is a real treat for me.

By allowing myself a chance to celebrate my successes I was much more likely to have the will to make good choices as I kept working towards my goals.

Unfortunately (And Fortunately) It Is A Natural Thing

Unfortunately, extinction bursts are something that everyone experiences when they are trying to change a habit.

Fortunately, extinction bursts are something that everyone goes through. You are not crazy. You didn’t fail miserably. AND you are not alone. Because this is something we all go through. You will notice the use of the the word “predictable” in the definition above. It is not a matter of if this is going to happen, but when.

But with the right planning and preparation we can respond to it in a way that doesn’t derail our goals.

Before It Is Too Late

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Too-LateOver the last few weeks my Facebook timeline has been filled with memorials.

First, a friend and colleague, Mark, died suddenly of a heart attack. Second, American sports news personality Stuart Scott died from the cancer he had fighting for years.

The flood of kind words, memories, well wishes for the families, and stories of learning from the lives of the deceased was amazing. I discovered things about two men I admired that I didn’t know. I was touched to know how the lives of so many were deeply affected because of the admirable way that these two men lived.

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