Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

When A Client Is Too Much

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I’m wondering how to approach a new client. She is interested in EFT, but says that she is only willing to give her issue two sessions, maybe three, tops, since she has been in therapy for years. She says she doesn’t want to start any long-term therapy. I saw her this last Friday for the first time, and we only talked (and when I say “we” talked I mean she only talked). You talk about multiple issues? This is the queen. I have a session with her next Friday. I don’t even know where to start. If this were your client, where would you start?


photo by John Brian Silverio

Sometimes, with clients and in our own lives, we are presented with a very neat and clean issue to work with, having very defined aspects and very easy entry points. Other times issues are so intertwined, you don’t know where to begin. This is because as humans we are complicated complete systems.

In a general sense here are a few things I keep in mind when working with clients where everything is coming up at once.

1) Manage expectations.
Before we start I talk about the reasons people often have their issues and the type of work that brings healing. Sometimes this healing happens quickly; other times the healing takes a little longer. I explain at the beginning there is no way we can tell the outcome we are about to have. I share many past examples to show how slowly or quickly progress can happen.

2) Keep detailed records of the progress we have made.
When there are many issues it is very easy to think more about new pains that rise up than about the healing that has preceded it. For example, my head hurts and my back is hurting. We do work on my head, which stops hurting, and all I can think of is my back. Now I’ll say how bad my back is. I‘ve forgotten my head ever hurt.

When a client gets frustrated that they are not making progress because all they can feel is the present pain, I remind them of the progress we’ve made. I bring out my notes and say, “When we started you were dealing with this, this and this. In two sessions this is the progress we’ve made.”

One client I work with regularly has to be reminded of her progress every three or four sessions. Sometimes I need to remind myself of my own progress, too.

3) Knock an issue all the way out before you move on to the next.
If you start with issue A, finish it off before moving on to issue B. If you don’t, neither you nor your client will feel satisfied because nothing has been completed.

There is an exception to this rule. If you are working on something small and something much larger and more emotional comes up, you want to resolve the bigger issue first.

4) You are not meant to work with everyone who walks through your door.
It is a very different thing for doctors who by law are required to provide medical care. They are expected to treat everyone who comes through their door. Most people who are doing EFT are paraprofessionals. Even though we are helping people to access the healing powers they already have, we fall much more into the coaching than the medical category.

This gives you the right to decide a client is not for you. If you expect the client to be more trouble than he or she is worth, encourage the client to find help somewhere else. This is not say that you don’t want to help, but you won’t be a good fit for everyone who walks through your door. You will serve your clients better when you work with the clients who are the best fit for you.

I have had clients come to me just looking for one more person to complain to about how horrible their life is, who don’t really want to progress. I have decided I want to work with clients who are willing to overcome issues and move forward. It’s okay for you to choose who you’ll work with.

Using Poetry with EFT (in this case for forgiveness)

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In a recent newsletter you talked about using a forgiveness poem as a tapping tool. I’m not sure what I am supposed to do. Can you give me more instruction?


photo by Pankaj

One of the reasons I love Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) so much is because it’s so flexible. It can be adjusted only to deal with many different issues and many different personalities.

I know I write this all the time, but one fifth of the questions I receive require this sort of answer: The words are not magic. There are no right or wrong words to use while tapping.

For EFT to work we need to focus in on the issue we are currently working on. Saying phrases out loud can be a very helpful tool in getting us to focus, but it isn’t the only way. What matters is that we are tuned into the issue at hand and are tapping at the same time.

The “Movie Technique” is a perfect example of this principle. One application of this technique is to let the movie of the past event play in our minds and tap along with it. As the movie plays, emotions about the memory come up. By tapping we are cleaning these emotions up.

Tapping along to a poem stirs up emotions in a similar way. I want to be very up front. This is not for everyone, but it is very effective for some.

Sometimes when we read a poem, emotions are stirred; that is the sign of good poetry. If these emotions reduce health and well-being, then it presents an opportunity for us to do some clean-up work.

I was e-mailed the following poem by one of my readers, Etta, who said that tapping along with this poem had helped her.

You might read this poem and feel nothing, which is okay. If that is the case, then this isn’t a useful tool for you. But if you read this poem and can use it to tune into your day and some of the choices you made that you regret, then it’s an excellent tool for you.

The great thing about EFT is it costs so little to try. Take 30 seconds and read this poem out loud, not like a performance, but as words you are speaking to your deeper self. Pay attention to what comes up. While you read, tap along. With each phrase just move to another tapping point.

I would love to hear your experience while trying this.

Little Prayer For HRA's (Huna Research Associates)
by Max Freedom Long

If I have hurt someone today
With thought or word or deed,
Or failed another in his need
I now repent

If I can take those steps again,
Tomorrow will I make amends
And heal with love those hurts.
I do this pledge

And if some hurt has struck me deep
And no amends are made,
I ask the Light to balance all.
I count the debt as paid.

Parental Sprits, whom I love,
And who I know love me,
Reach through the door I open wide.
Make clear my path to thee.

The Body Has Information About Our Issues

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I remember reading a suggestion about “asking” a troubled body part what it’s trying to tell you. What exactly does that mean? And how does the answer get conveyed? Would it be a thought or words popping into your head? If so, would it be immediately or would it require additional tapping?


photo by Justin Litton

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is most effective when we can be very specific about the issue that we are working on, but sometimes this is very difficult. There might be so many emotions going at once that we can’t break them into workable parts. Other times there is just a general feeling for which we can’t identify a source. When this happens I like to turn to my body.

One of the reasons I love the feedback that the body gives us is because it’s hard to deny physical sensations, whereas I can choose to deny my emotions. I am capable of convincing myself I’m not mad, angry, or sad. When I do this I am really just pushing an emotion down and choosing not to heal. I can’t explain away knots in my stomach in the same way I can explain away anger. This makes my body a gateway into healing that may be unavailable through other means.

To do this we are going to tune in to the information the body can give us. The following process can be used for both physical and emotional issues. I am going to explain the process in terms of an emotional issue, but it works the same way for a physical issue.

REMEMBER: It is very important to be easy about this. There is no right or wrong answer, and there is no right or wrong way to do this. Trust the process and trust yourself. The body wants to give us information to heal, but if we worry about getting “the right answer” we’ll be too worried to hear what the body is conveying. If you feel any anxiousness to doing this (or doing this well), just tap.

(I know my body has information for me…I’m worried I will do this wrong…I’m worried I will miss important information…I know there are no wrong answers…Even if I don’t make any progress by doing this it’s only taking a few minutes…The more I do this, the better I am going to get at it…Since I don’t know what I’m doing, I choose not to have specific expectations…I give myself permission to be easy about this.)

These are the steps I would recommend.

1) Take a deep breath.
Close your eyes and center yourself. It’s always easiest to understand what’s going on inside of you when you take a moment to relax and pull back from the outside world.

2) Tune into the part of the body you want to get information from.
If there is a very noticeable physical sensation when you think about the issue you’re working on, tune into this place. (For example, a tight chest, shortness of breath, knots in your stomach, tightness in your shoulders, or pain in your hip.)

You might not have a very strong physical sensation clearly associated with an issue. You might be uneasy about something that is about to happen, but you don’t know what that is or where in your body you feel it. The feeling of uneasiness in the body is as abstract as the uneasy feeling.

If you have no idea what part of the body is associated with the feeling simply ask your body where the feeling lives. This might sound a little odd, but it’s as easy as that. Think of the feeling you are working with and just ask your body, “Where does this feeling of uneasiness live?” Trust your body and trust the process. Something will come to mind. At this moment the information might make no sense. You might get the sense the uneasiness lives in your right ankle. Just go with that. Once you know which part of the body you’re working on, just notice this part of the body. Imagine what it looks like on the inside.

Again, be easy about this. There is no “right” answer. As you tune into this part of the body you might see the literal inside of the body, or you might see a metaphoric picture (such as a large stone heavy on your chest).

Also, remember not everyone “sees” things when they focus on something. So don’t be worried if you only see black, but feel that part of the body.

3) Just ask that part of the body what it wants to tell you.
Once you have tuned into the part of the body associated with the emotion ask that part what it needs. Again, this is as simple as paying attention to the image and area of the body and asking the question. In addition to asking what the body is trying to tell you, you can also ask what the body needs.

Pay attention to what pops into your head. It might be completely off the wall. When I ask clients for information and they start by saying, “I am sure this has nothing to do with this, but…” it is the best possible news. If something comes to mind that seems completely unrelated then we can be very certain that it has something to do with what is going on.

4) You might get a clear answer or you might not.
Again, be easy. The information can come in lots of forms. You might get a thought or phrase. You might see a picture. You remember something from your past. You might just get a metaphoric image (like a giant rock).

4a) If the information is usable, then do EFT.
Many times when you do this process you will get very specific information.

  • A memory that can use EFT: As you tune into this body part a memory from your past might come to mind. If any negative emotions are associated with this memory (or memories), do EFT on them. Many times the memories that come up are unexpected and even parts of our past we have completely forgotten about.
  • Information about the body part: I have done this process and have heard very clearly that a specific part of my body has a particular feeling. I’ve heard that body parts are tired, under appreciated, need healing energy, or need forgiveness. Do my various body parts have specific emotions? I don’t know, but I do know that my subconscious mind is giving me very specific information about the parts of my body that need to be healed. Can my knees feel tired? Don’t worry about it. Tuning into the feeling of tiredness associated with my knees and tapping has brought healing to me.

4b) If you get information you don’t understand, just tap.
Sometime when we do this process we get information that makes no sense at all. For example we could be working on the feeling of being uneasy — and we don’t know why we are uneasy. As we go through this process we get the sense this feeling is somehow associated with our lower back. When we tune into the lower back we see tight bands pulling tightly. This is a great image, but we have no idea what it’s related to.

When this happens we tap about not knowing what the body is telling us.

“My body is giving me information, but I don’t understand what it is…I know my body is trying to communicate with me, but I am missing it. …I thank my body for giving me this information, but I need some help…”

This will often bring up information. If it doesn’t bring up any information, ask for the information. Ask your body, “What are you trying to tell me? I need some help!”

5) Repeat.
Just like the instruction on shampoo (”wash, rinse, repeat”) it is best to “Tune in. Tap. Repeat.” Keep tuning in until you feel sure you’ve done enough cleaning. I know this process may seem very odd. It’s difficult to put into words what it feels like to ask a body part for information and get it. The best thing to do is just dive in and give it a try; it only costs you a few minutes. Doing this sort of tuning in takes practice. You will never get information the same way twice. Trust your instinct. The more you do this, the more you are going to trust yourself and the more/better information you are going to get.

Feedback – What We Can Learn From Each Round of Tapping

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I read all these stories about how people get amazing results with EFT right away. It’s just not happening for me. What am I doing wrong?


photo by dave_mcmt

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is easy to use, it can be used on many types of issues, and it can be done anytime anywhere. But even with that being said, the main reason people first become interested in learning EFT is because they hear stories of how EFT changes lives. We all want to heal and improve our lives and are intrigued when we hear others are solving similar problems to the ones we have. The stories most often told are the “one-minute miracles”. We have all heard the stories of people who have fought with some physical or emotional issue for years only to have it go away in moments. These are more than just urban legends. I have seen it in my own practice.

These occurrences are frequent, but they are not the norm. (I believe someday one-minute miracles will be the norm as we continue to learn how the body/mind/spirit system works.) Just because you don’t experience a one-minute miracle doesn’t mean EFT isn’t working, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing EFT wrong.

Personally I think every round of EFT is successful regardless of the amount of progress that is made (even if no progress is made at all). I believe this because with every round of EFT we do we receive some feedback we can learn from. As an added bonus, a round of tapping is so short we receive feedback very quickly, helping us to adjust our approach for our next round of tapping and allowing us to move to healing quickly. If we heed the feedback we receive with each round of tapping we can quickly resolve the current issue. In my experience there are four typical outcomes to a round of tapping that give us information. .

1) The pain/emotion reduce in intensity.
Obviously, this is the best case scenario, the ultimate goal we are trying to reach with tapping. If the intensity decreases we are on the right track and should keep moving in this direction.

2) The pain/emotion increases in intensity.
On the surface this would seem to be a bad outcome. “We are trying to get away from an issue and now there’s more of it? That can’t be a good thing?” But it really is. Increased intensity simply means that we have tuned into the issue more than before. For example, let’s suppose my right knee is injured. All day as I move around there is an ever-present dull ache. The moment I sit down to take a break the pain seems to swell and become very sharp. My knee didn’t start hurting more the moment I sat down. Instead, since my mind wasn’t fully focused on my daily tasks, my thoughts drifted to my knee and I became aware of how much pain I was really in. It is simply an issue of how much I’m focusing on the pain. When I tap on an issue and the intensity goes up, it means I’m on the right track.

3) The pain/emotion changes in location, texture, or type.
This type of feedback is very common. A pain that started in our shoulders is now in our hip. A feeling of anger becomes frustration. A sharp pain that felt like a stabbing pain now is a very warm dull ache. This might not appear to be progress, at first glance. If I start with a pain in my neck that has an intensity of 6 and after a round of tapping it’s a pain in my hip that has an intensity of 6, I still hurt. Any time we have a change in some characteristic of what we’re working on, it really is progress because the change signifies that we are moving down the right path. Change always means progress, with EFT.

Side note: When this happen it is important that we change what we’re tapping on. If the pain moves from the neck to the hip, the next round of tapping must address the pain in the hip. If the emotion changes from anger to frustration, the next round of tapping is must be directed at the frustration. The tapping we do should reflect the issue as it is in the moment we start the next round of tapping.

4) There is no change in intensity.
At first blush this doesn’t seem like desirable feedback, but in reality it is good news. If we do a round of tapping and make no progress at all then we have learned the current set up isn’t right, and we need to change something. At this point we start to look to the reasons that EFT most commonly doesn’t work. Did we clear psychological reversal (PR)? Are we hydrated enough? Are we being specific enough? In this case what seems to be failure is good news because it tells us we need to try something different.

It is all good news!
No matter what the outcome from a round of tapping, it is good news. With every round of tapping we are either healing or gaining information about what to do next.

With each round of tapping you do, remember to be easy with yourself. One round of tapping costs you less than one minute of your day, it’s easy to do, and no matter what the outcome is, you are one step closer to healing. If you don’t have a one-minute miracle, take the information you’ve learned from this round of tapping and go on.

Being Open to Blessings

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I am trying to bring abundance into my life. Can I use EFT to help this process?


photo by d ha rm e sh

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool to help you create more of what you would like in all areas of your life (job success, relationships, and health, to name just a few). There are a number of articles here at EFT Q & A that talk about this issue and can be found by clicking the topic “abundance“.

Last week I found one more way EFT can be helpful in the quest. I had an interesting conversation with a client. Let’s call her “Kathy”. We have been working over the course of the last few months to help her make major changes in her professional life. Her desire is to move from a typical office job to a job where she feels passionate about the mission of the organization she’s working for.

Kathy understands that moving from her law office job to a non-profit will mean a cut in pay. She’s fine with that. The problem is she has some debt she feels she needs to eliminate before she can make the transition to a lower paying job.

Over the first part of her phone session we did some work on these issues. Among these were feelings of frustration because she wants to progress more quickly towards this goal. Somewhere in the middle of the tapping, Kathy mentioned that her parents had offered to help her with her debt and she had refused their offer.

I said, “Wait a minute! We’ve been doing all this work on how you can move to a new place in your life. We’ve doing work on how you can clear out all the obstacles to get you to a place where you can do what you love. A major gift which could help you do this showed up, and you said, ‘No.’ That is interesting.”

[Side Note:I would like to point out that this wasn't an accusation or a condemnation of the choice she made. It was something that I found “interesting” because when find that we make choices in opposition to the things we desire, something else is at play. When we make these choices and name them, it’s evidence we’re uncovering more issues we can work on.]

This is a clear case of someone getting wrapped up in what is the appropriate way to get what they want.

As we poked around it became very clear that Kathy had the two following limiting beliefs:

  • Success is only possible/deserved when I work hard for it
  • I have already taken so much form my patents I can't take any more

These limiting beliefs are not unique to Kathy. A number of times I have myself felt that success could only come in very limited ways. Such beliefs prevent abundance in our lives.

For this reason I have added the following to my tapping when I tap about changes I would like to see in my own life. (In this case I am talking about all types of change, not just getting financial help.)

Bring chance into my life in unique ways…So I know that I am not the sole creator of this abundance…Help me to be open to whatever ways good things will come into my life…I don’t have to feel like I have earned everything in my life…It’s okay if good things come into my life in easy ways…When good things come easier it will make it easier for me to share those good things with others…Progress and evolution don’t have to be hard…When I help others out, I don’t make them earn it…It’s okay for others to help me without me earning it…By letting other people help me I give them a chance to be loving…If I turn down their gifts I block them from an opportunity to show love for me…Keep my eyes open today to unique ways the universe brings me blessings…What matters is the change I want to make in my life…The path I take for that change is less important…Thank you for the blessings I have received and the blessings I am receiving…Thank you for the constant flow of blessings in my life…I give myself permission to be open to these blessings in whatever form they come today…I don’t have to earn these blessings…It’s okay if it’s easy…I am thankful for those who want to bring blessings into my life…I forgive myself for the times I have blocked blessings in the past…Thank you for the blessings I have received and the blessings I am receiving

Seeing Yourself as an Expert

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I am very passionate about EFT and have seen results for myself and my clients, but for some reason I still struggle with my confidence in feeling I am really good at what I’m doing. I have gotten extensive training for EFT, so it’s not a matter of being a beginner. Any tips?

[This guest article is by AnaMaria Herrera, also known as “Agent EFT.” AnaMaria specializes in helping business owners and professionals reach their goals with ease using what she calls “Your Secret Weapon”: EFT, Emotional Freedom Techniques. To learn how you can reach your personal and professional goals with greater ease, check out: YourSecretWeaponForSuccess.com]

This is a common dilemma! Did you know the challenge of believing you’re an expert crops up in seasoned entrepreneurs as well as in new business owners? It can be experienced as ‘not feeling I am good enough (an expert) yet.’ The result? Not ‘playing a bigger game’: leading tele-seminars, creating an information product or approaching a joint venture partner, raising your rates and setting the prices you deserve.

What to do? Bring out your Secret Weapon (EFT) and remove the limiting beliefs, of course!

Here are some suggestions.

Set up statement:

Even though I don’t feel like an expert, I deeply and completely accept myself anyway….Even though I feel I need much more training, clients, etc. before claiming I am an expert, I am choosing to remain calm and confident…Even though I feel intimidated by others in my field who are more successful than I am (or who have been doing this much longer, are better looking, can speak better, etc.) I accept my feelings and my fears…Even though I can’t seem to stop comparing myself to others, I completely accept myself and this habit. [How to use these tapping phrases]

Of course if common sense is warranting more training in doing your expertise, EFT does not replace that need for further training in EFT. Instead it takes away the emotional charge and judgment that we ‘are not good enough yet.’ So if the matter is getting more training, by all means seek this out.

As always with EFT, modify the words to fit your feelings/beliefs. Remember our feelings come from our thoughts and beliefs. So once we shift any doubts or negative beliefs to positive, empowering ones we become completely aligned (and unstoppable) in our business!

When Things Go Wrong

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Today was a bad day. All the plans I had blew up in my face. It sent me into an emotional tailspin. I know EFT would have been useful, but I didn’t know where to begin. How can I use EFT when thing don’t go as planned?


photo by sonson

I had this very thing happen to me recently.

Another EFT practitioner and I have been creating a website to help EFT practitioners market and build their practices. We had done about a month of work. This included planning the contents, contacting people to interview for teleclasses, and doing some web design.

We had a great domain name that was memorable and descriptive. It was really perfect for what we were going to do.

I was about to make my first announcement about the launch of the web site. I went to my domain registrar to grab the domain name. The name we wanted (and had done a great deal of planning around) was gone. Not only had someone else purchased the domain, it had happened that morning.

At first I went into a bit of a funk. My self-talk went like this, “Why did I wait so long? I knew I wanted this name a month ago. I am such an idiot. Did the person who bought the name know we were going to do this and just snatch it up? Did they steal our idea? There are no other good names for us to use. This sucks! I am so stupid!”

Then I caught myself. I realized I couldn’t do anything about the fact that someone else has the domain name. I have no idea if someone tried to get it before us, and even so, there was nothing I could do about it. It was time to move on and make the best of it.

So I took a few deep breaths. At first I tapped with nothing particularly on my mind. After a few minutes, I continued to tap and asked myself, “What is the best possible outcome so that one year from now when I look back I will thank God someone beat me to that domain name?”

And I tapped.

And I asked the question again.

And I tapped.

And I asked the question again.

And I tapped.

And I asked the question again.

And I tapped.

Over the next few moments my mood began to shift. My energy moved away from “this sucks” to “this is not the end of the world.”

Then the possible domain names started to come, and come quickly. I pulled out a pad of paper and wrote as fast as I could.

After my creative burst came to an end, I moved on to another task. An hour later I came back. Some of the names were good and some weren’t.

One name stuck out: EFT Marketing Lab.

It really said everything we are about.

It says this isn’t just theory, but stuff we have tested in the real world with our own practices.

It says marketing doesn’t have to be life or death (which it can feel like). We can try a marketing experiment on a very small scale and learn from it so when we do it on a bigger scale we’ll do it more effectively.

We can create a lab notebook for each experiment to lead the students through the experiment step by step. This way the tasks won’t be so overwhelming. We will be able to provide feedback for each lesson so the students can learn from both their experience and our experience.

Suddenly we went from some EFT marketing ideas to real structure that will help us form our lessons and create a way for our students to really learn.

Instead of being annoyed I had lost my domain, I now had a new focus for our work.

Things that are out of our control are going to happen. The only thing we can control is how we respond. The next time you’re having a hard time getting out of a funk, take a deep breath, tap, and ask “How could this really be a blessing?”

PS: You should check out EFT Marking Lab

When thinking of the problem is too much

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I want to do EFT for a major issue in my life, but somehow I always find an excuse not to do EFT. I know it will help me. I do want to get over this, but it just doesn’t happen. What can I do?


photo by (Erik)

I have been teaching people Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) for a number of years.

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern. Certain people learn to use EFT, see the benefit of it in their lives, and yet have decided it’s not for them.

At first I took this as some sort of failure on my part. I thought, “I must have done something to turn them off to this very powerful tool.”

My point of view changed while working with a friend. Someone in her life had been hurt in a very violent way. The loved one was hundreds of miles away. She was disappointed in herself for not being able to stop it from happening, she was sad for the attack, she was scared that her loved one was not going to seek the attention she needed out of fear, she felt helpless from such a great distance, and she worried it would happen again. These were just a few of the emotions racing through her head.

We agreed that I would come over in a few days so we could do some work. When I got to her place we talked about everything in the world, except what I had come for. This continued for almost 45 minutes. Finally I said, “Do you want to do this or not?”

I wasn’t frustrated or angry; I was giving her an out. Sometimes people feel safer having these types of conversations with a paid professional rather than a close friend.

She hemmed and hawed as she tried not to answer.

So I asked, “Why are you afraid to do the work?”

“Because it’s going to hurt. I know how raw my emotions are right now. I feel like I’ve let my loved one down. I don’t want to wander into that pain.”

All of that was fair. I asked her, “How large are all the emotions you’re feeling?” (This was for the emotions around her loved one plus the emotions around her fear of having to get into the problem).

With her hands she showed something about the size of a beach ball.

We did some work on her fear of what we might uncover and how much it was going to hurt to dive into the emotions of the circumstance.
I then asked her how much emotion was left (in all areas). She gestured to show something about 30% of the size of the original.

This was a useful insight for me. She was more emotional about her reaction to the incident than she was about the incident itself.

Later, as I reflected on this, it brought to mind all of the people — myself included — who avoided doing work in some area of our lives because we were afraid of what we’d uncover about ourselves.

The belief is, “The crap I know right now is better than the crap around the corner. Sure, my life isn’t perfect right now, but I can manage the pain and disappointment I am facing now. If I go looking to change my life, who knows what I’ll stir up.”

This is not an indictment for not wanting to look under the bed to see what’s really under there. The beauty of free will is that we choose who we want to be. There are outcomes and consequences to those choices. Our decision to face or not face the ideas we have, about ourselves and the world, that hold us back determines whether our lives change. And for better or worse that is our prerogative.

I have just found that in the long run it’s better to get out the flashlight and face whatever is hiding under the bed, no matter how scary it is at the time.

When We Don’t Know The Root Cause Of An Emotion

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My 11-year-old daughter has suddenly developed a fear of school. She has previously been very, very happy there, and can’t give a reason for feeling like this. She really wants to go but feels she can’t, and doesn’t know why. Any ideas?


photo by Martin LaBar

Obviously, with so little information, there is no real way to answer this question. A whole host of reasons could be contributing to this fear. The reasons might involve the classroom, the play ground, or problems with other students or schoolwork.

What we can do is talk about how we approach any emotional response where the cause is entirely unknown.

There are two basic courses we can take. I would recommend taking both of them at the same time. They are to 1) deal with the emotions in the moment and 2) investigate to find the root of the emotions. This way we cope with the short-term fear and try to find the roots of the fear so there won’t be the same response in the future.

The Emotion Right Now
One of the blessings of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is that we are able to use it right now for the emotions we are feeling in this moment. In this case I recommend two things.

First, I recommend tapping before bedtime on the fear about going to school the next day. If the fear is large enough it will be present the night before. It is good to deal with this at bedtime because this fear is going to affect her sleep.

Second, I recommend spending tapping in the morning before heading out the door to school or even on the ride to school.

In both cases the tapping is very simple. I would have her explain to me how the fear feels, how her body feels, and what she’s worried about. I wouldn’t use any complicated tapping phrases. I would have her tell me what is going on in her body and in her head while she taps.

Investigating the Roots
With the immediate fear under a little more control we can start looking around for the root cause. When working with a client I would use all the information about them and their history as a start. In this case I know nothing more than she is 11 years old. With that in mind I would start by asking questions around the common reasons an 11-year-old wouldn’t want to go to school.

My questions would be something like this.
1) Why does she feel like she can’t go?
It sounds like the questions has been asked, but it’s a good place to start every time. Often people — not just kids — have a hard time admitting why they are afraid. By asking again they might give an answer they didn’t before.

2) What could go wrong if she does go to school?
Fear usually involves not wanting to experience a bad outcome. They might be able to name the outcome they fear and not associate that with the fear itself.

3) This feeling of not wanting to go to school, what does it remind her of?
This is a classic EFT investigation question. When you don’t know the root, see what it reminds you of. Lots of information can be found here.

4) If she could change one thing about school, what would it be?
Sometimes we don’t want to say what we fear, but we are willing to say what we would like to see different. Fear is often associated with weakness. We don’t like to share why we are fearful. This question lets us answer without looking weak.

5) If she could go to a new school, how would the new school be different from her old school?
This is very much like the last question. By giving them a chance to say what they do want, we give them a way of not saying what they don’t want or fear.

6) If she could go to school tomorrow and know one person was not going to be there, who would she want that person to be?
No one likes to be a tattletale. Also for kids there might be fear of retaliation for turning a bully in. This way they don’t have to tell on someone else and yet are free to state their needs.

7) When she is not at school, what does she think the other students say about her?
People, not just kids, can be ruthless. We don’t like to be places where we’re being picked on, but again we don’t like to be tattletales. By asking the question in this fashion we are not asking her to tell on anyone. Instead, she is pretending what they might say. This is a safe way to share what she fears.

Obviously this is just a start, but I think it’s a good start. We can’t help but get closer to the roots.

It is important to remember that with EFT we always have two plans of attack. We can always deal with what we feel right now. Then we can deal with the roots of the emotions. If we can find our way in with both courses, then we should use them. We’re not helpless just because we don’t know the root. We can always reduce or resolve the immediate problem until we get to the root of the issue.

Hope for the Future

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For some reason I have very little hope for the future.  I just can see anything working out.  I think EFT can be helpful, but there is so much going on I can't seem to find the core issues.  Do you have any suggests on where to start?

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for clearing out the sense of gloom and doom that we can have for our future.  The obvious problem with dealing with these feelings is they are often very general.  They are feelings of “no opportunity” “no hope” or “only going to get worse”.  Because of these feelings it is hard for us to think in the specific.

When I am feeling hopeless, I don't think “I am hopeless because…” I just feel hopeless.

Whenever I am I have problems with coming up with why I am feeling an emotion I have found it very helpful to make statement that is opposite of the feeling.  When I make this opposite statements, my self-talk is able to tell my why part of me thinks that is not true, which leads me to the root beliefs.

For example, let's pretend that I am feeling hopeless about finding a better, higher paying job.  My general mood, “I am going to be stuck in this bad job forever.”  Since I don't know why I feel this way, I make a statement that is the exact opposite of how I see my situation.

As a side note, when we are using opposite statements it is important that we say them with as much energy as possible.  The reason we are doing this is because we are trying to activate as much self-talk as we can.  The self-talk we are looking for is the self-talk that tells us why we are never going to have this.

In this example I would say, “I am going to find the perfect job, that I enjoy and pays me $120,000 a year.”

When I do this every part of me that is hopeless because it doesn't believe it is true will say:

  • There are no jobs like that
  • You don't have enough education
  • You will have to move to get a job like that
  • If you got a job like they would fire you because you are not talented enough

I now have very clear information of what is at the root of my hopelessness about getting a better job.

When I do this I make sure I write down all of the negative self-talk that comes up.  I might come up with so many issues that I am not able to deal with them in this tapping session and I don't want to lose all of this great information.

Lately I have being doing this is a really unusual way, but it has been really powerful.  I was introduced recently to a poem from the 1920's.

Promise yourself to be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
Author: Christian D. Larson

The way I use it is like this.  I take each line of the poem add “I promise myself” to the beginning of the poem and then change all the “you” to “I”.  Like this…

I promise myself to be strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
I promise myself to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
I promise myself to make all my friend feel that there is something in them.
[How to use these tapping phrases]

And so on…

For each line I do a full round of tapping and pay attention to any self-talk that comes up.  I write that self-talk down, so I don't lose any of this great information to tap on it in the future.

I have been doing this every morning for a number of weeks and it has really gotten my day off to a great start.

EFT Losing Its Effectiveness

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When I first learned EFT it worked really quickly on everything. Now it isn’t working as well. Do we build up a resistance to EFT?

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a wonderful and powerful tool, but just we knowing how to do EFT doesn’t mean we are going to heal. I often use the example with clients, just because we know how to sit-ups doesn’t mean we’ll have washboard abs. EFT is no different. It only works when we take the time to use it.

We have all experienced the obstacles people unfamiliar with EFT put up to trying it. (Ex: That can’t work. It’s too easy to work. It is too weird. That’s just new age mumbo jumbo.)

Recently I have come across two thoughts that have caused clients who used EFT for a long period of time to stop using it.

Expect The “One Minute Miracle”
I still experience great joy the first time someone I am teaching gets quick relief from something that has gripped them for years. Often they have tried everything under the sun for relief from the problem. EFT is the first thing to provide lasting relief. It is just unbelievable that it could happen so fast.

Then as they try EFT “on everything,” they obtain quick relief to both physical and emotional issues. But they hit a wall. They find some pain or emotion that doesn’t go away (or isn’t noticeably reduced) in one round of tapping. They reason, since EFT didn’t work in 60 seconds, it must not be worth the trouble to keep on trying.

In these cases it usually just takes a cognitive reframe to get them back on board to using EFT. I simply talk them through their own experience. Many times they had invested months or years to get relief. Sure in this case it didn’t happen in 60 seconds, but it might be worth their time to give it 15 or 20 min. Usually this is all it takes.

More Than They Expected
It is a phenomena that I have noticed mostly with the clients I work with regularly, especially when their issue has many aspects that require multiple sessions (like weight loss or multiple traumatic memories that are similar).

Typically what happens is during the third or fourth session the client will start to feel very overwhelmed by the amount of work that remains. Because (in many cases for the first time) we have been looking so closely at the roots of a particular issue, the client is starting to understand how many different aspects there really are to the problem. In the past they had only thought about the surface issues. Now because they are doing healing work, they are facing the root of the problem head on. Many times this involves issues and memories their conscious mind had been ignoring.

It’s like when we are cleaning a bedroom. After cleaning the room, we decide to look under the bed and find all sorts of dirt and dust we had no idea was there.

When this happens I remind my clients that right now they are taking the short view and are forgetting all the work we have done to this point. And we start to tap:

Right now I am overwhelmed with how much work is left…Everywhere I turn there is another issue or aspect…It’s just like an onion, every time I peal a layer off, there is another waiting for me…This seems like it is never going to end…But I know how much progress I have made with these issues…Even though there seems to be so much work to do, I know I am healthier now than when I started…I also know that with EFT I have wonderful tool to continue this work…I know how much the progress I have made in the past has improved my life…And I know more progress is ahead…All I have to do is take a little time each day to tap…I am making baby steps…It might not feel like I am moving forward…But I know I am.[How to use these tapping phrases]

Future Choices

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I need to make some very important choices about my future. Is there anything I can do with EFT to help me make the “right” decisions?


photo by Paul Hocksenar

I love this question because often we only think of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) as a tool to help us with issues that already exist, such as dealing with physical pain, memories that still affect us today, and the emotions we feel in this moment. EFT is also a great tool for helping us to clear up issues so we can make better decisions for our future.

I believe there is a part of us that constantly inspires us to become our better selves, a still small voice inside of us that is fully connected in oneness with everything in creation. This still small voice has been given many names throughout time in every culture and every faith.

The problem comes when it’s difficult for us to hear this voice because it’s overwhelmed by a mix of louder worries, anxieties, and past experiences.

You will always have free will to make any choice, but EFT will help you to quiet much of the unhelpful noise of worry, anxiety and past experiences. This way you can hear the still small voice more clearly, inspiring you to be your better self.

There are three basic steps to achieve this.

1) Clear Resistance to Change
I was introduced to the idea of clearing any resistance to change by Maria and Ted Robinson.  If we haven’t made a change or a choice in our life, then more than likely there is some resistance to change. Reducing or eliminating that resistance makes sound decisions for the future, and follow-through on those decisions, much easier. (We will get to the specific resistance in the next step.) It is a good idea to begin any EFT tapping session about a future choice like this:

I need to make a decision about my future…Every time I make a choice it means that I’m making a change…Change is scary because change brings different…Different can be scary…There is some part of me that is resisting this change…It is resisting this change because it’s worried the outcome might not be the best for me….I thank this resistance because it is trying to protect me…But this resistance is making it hard for me to make the choice I need to make…The resistance is cluttering my mind so I can’t see clearly…I choose to let go of whatever resistance I have…I choose to know there is a still small voice in me that is going to lead me on the right path…I trust myself to make the right choice when I get clear…I give myself permission to let this resistance go…I give myself permission to trust my own judgment.

2) Clear The Emotions Associated With Making The Choice
Every time we make a choice there are two aspects of the choice that can worry us: the certainty of the outcome, and the magnitude of the choice.

Our level and worry is affected by the combination of these two factors. Typically the higher the level of uncertainty or the greater the magnitude of the choice, the higher our anxiety level is going to be. The lower the level of uncertainty and the smaller the magnitude of the choice, the lower our anxiety level.

Here are a few examples:

  • Trying a new style of food we have never had before: If you’re not an adventurous eater, the level on uncertainty could be very high. But you know you will be home in a few hours, so if you don’t like it you won’t starve. Therefore there isn’t a great deal of anxiety about your dinner choice.
  • Choosing a major in college: For some reason you have always known you were going to be a teacher. You love sharing your knowledge. You love watching people learn. You really enjoyed the chances you’ve had in the past to teach, even when you had an unreceptive class. By choosing to major in education you are going to be taking very topic-specific classes. If you decided later to change your major none of the classes are likely to be useful. This could put you a year or two behind, costing you time and money. Even though there is a great deal of certainty about the choice, the magnitude of the choice may cause more anxiety.

Every choice we make is going to have aspects of certainty and magnitude associated with them. These characteristics are also going to be very personal. One person might see a choice as being a very big deal (having a large magnitude) and another person will see the same choice as minor (small magnitude).

There are benefits to having varied levels of worry and anxiety. This encourages a cautious approach that helps us avoid completely impulsive or very dangerous choices. These worries and anxieties become a problem when they are the only thing we can hear. By bringing these into balance we are going to be more likely to hear the still small voice and make a better choice.

Each person is going to have a different set of worries, but it might look something like this:

I’m worried I am going to make the wrong choice…I’m afraid I’m going to get stuck with an outcome I don’t like…If I choose the wrong thing it could cost years of my life…If I choose the wrong thing it is going to cost me so much money, money I can’t afford to lose…I’m worried if I make the wrong choice I’ll have to start at the beginning again, and I don’t have the time or energy to do that….I choose to know I am not making a rash decision…I choose to know I have done my research…I choose to know even if I make the wrong choice I’ll learn from it and make a better choice next time…I choose to know even if I make the wrong choice I’ll be able to choose again…I’ve made lots of bad choice in the past that haven’t been the end of the world…I know the reason I’m worried is because part of me is trying to protect me from making a bad choice…I know this part of me is worried because it’s trying to protect me…But it is being over-vigilant. It’s preventing me from growing…I let this worry and anxiety step down…They are not needed right now.

3) Clear The Emotions Associated With Getting The Outcome You Want
We can be of two minds about an outcome. On one level we can see the outcome as a real positive and at the same time see it on another level as a real negative. For example, we might want a promotion at work. On one level this is great because it means a raise and more prestige. On another level it means we have more responsibility and we have more opportunity to make a fool of ourselves.

It is important for us to weigh all the pros and cons of any outcome, in any decision-making process. The problem comes when we can only focus on the negataives, the cons. Even if we can’t name the cons they will affect the choice we make. Whatever part of us knows the cons is going to fill us with limiting beliefs, making it harder for us to make the best choice.

EFT is a great tool for cleaning up these penalties of success. There are two ways we can do this.

First, there will be the cons that we know. These are going to different for every person and every choice, but here is an example of how you might tap on this:

I’m worried that the new job is going to give me too much responsibility…If I have more responsibility I have more chances to screw up again…If I do this right, people are going to expect me to do it right again in the future and I may let them down…My family thinks this is a bad choice because they don’t understand my passion and think I’m wasting my life…If I get what I want it’s going to take more time, and I may have to give up the things I love…I think I want this, but it might not be as great as I thought, and I may be disappointed with the outcome and feel like I’ve wasted my time and money…What are others going to think when they hear this is my dream?

Second there are going to cons that we don’t know. They are emotions that simply interfere with our receiving the inspiration we need to hear. In this case there is a very simple technique we can use to bring these emotions to the surface.

Remember the words we use in EFT are not magic; they are only useful in helping us to stay focused on the issue we are working on. If we are thoroughly focused on our issues, we don’t need words to stay focused, so we don’t need to say any words.

In this case we are dealing with emotions that we can’t necessarily name, but we need to create a situation in which we can feel those emotions intentionally. This can be done in two ways.

The first way is to tune in to others who have walked the path you are considering. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to relax. Once you’re centered and relaxed think of someone who has successfully walked that path. This could be someone you know very well, or it could be a stranger. Start tapping. Just move through the tapping points. As you do this tune into every aspect of this person’s life. See him making the choice. See her living the life. Pay very close attention to everything that comes up in you.

Very common thoughts are:

  • They had it so easy. It may be harder for me.
  • They have talent I don’t have.
  • I’m jealous of their success.
  • They make it look so easy.
  • They didn’t have the obstacles to get there that I’ve had.

As long as you’re thinking about the life you think you want, with all of its pros and cons, you will be clearing resistance and interfering anxieties and experiences. If you can identify sources of resistance, you can tap directly on that, but even if you don’t, you will be clearing out the noise that is making your decision difficult.

The second way you can do this type of cleaning is to go through the exact same process, but this time see yourself living the choice. See yourself making the choice. See how you feel making the choice. See how you feel while living the outcomes of your choice. See how the people in your life react to the choice you’ve made. Hear what they say. Read their minds. Make sure you see it working out in the best way possible.

As you do this it’s very likely you’ll have these types of thoughts:

  • I could never really do that.
  • People are going to think I’m a jerk because I’m doing what I want.
  • People may think I think I’m better than they are.
  • People are going to be jealous of me.
  • I’m not talented enough to do that.
  • I’m going to look so foolish when I fail.

Again, as you are able to name specific fear, anxieties, and limiting beliefs, you can tap on them directly. But as long as you are feeling the emotion, even if you can’t name it, and your tapping will clean up the noise that is making your decision difficult.

Be Persistent
Frequently, the roots of our fears and anxieties about making big changes in our lives are very deep. I would recommend that you do this every day for several days. You might even want to continue right up to the moment you make the choice. This will ensure that you deal with every new worry or anxiety that might arise, as you get closer to the decision.

Over time if you do this you will find that there is less and less noise in the decision-making process. Instead over time there is going to ever-increasing clarity. Are you going to get to the point where every choice you need to make is obvious? Probably not, but the more noise you clear out the more likely you are going to hear the voice of inspiration. As you hear and follow this voice of inspiration you will end up almost effortlessly in the place you need to be.

Emotions and Physical Pain – AKA:Can Pain Be Our Friend?

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I have heard a lot of talk about how pain can have emotional issues.  Is this true?  If so can I use the pain to discover and work on the emotional issues tied to the pain?

[Note from Gene: I asked Pennsylvania-based EFT practitioner Chip Engelmann to answer this question. Chip does a great job explaining the reasons for pain and how we can use it to identify some of the emotional roots. Make sure you check out Chip's website, ChipEFT.com for many great articles, ebooks, and recordings of past teleseminars.]


photo by santacrewsgirl

First, we have to assume that pain has a purpose beyond creating misery. Surely we understand that the pain we feel when we put our hand into a flame is what stimulates us to move our hand out of the flame. In that case, pain is a stimulus to take action to avoid harm.

Now, if we move our hand two feet above the flame and leave it there, eventually that becomes painful too, and we remove our hand. But the stimulus for removing our hand was more about addressing the pain and less about the possible damage. In fact, the further we are from the cause of a pain, the less likely we will see the actual cause of the pain, and the more likely we will react only to the pain rather than to its cause. A headache may develop in response to an emotion triggered hours before. Arthritis pain may stem from an emotional reaction that began decades ago. It is easy to see how the cause of a pain can be overlooked.

And more often than not, we do overlook it. Frankly, stopping the pain is as far as we care to go. For the purpose of healing, however, addressing only the pain is about as effective as covering the oil light on your car with duct tape when it starts to flash. Maybe you won’t be annoyed by the light anymore, but you also won’t stop your engine from seizing and totaling your car. But for better or for worse, pain usually won’t go away permanently until we get the message that it is trying to tell us.

Luckily, we’re not alone in our search for the emotional causes of physical pain and illness. Research has established certain physiological connections between emotion and illness. Anger has been shown to affect the liver. When we are angry, we create toxins that our body must deal with. In fact, a single breath of an angry man produces enough toxins to kill a Guinea pig. The organ that is responsible for clearing toxins from the body is the liver. The drug of choice for an angry person is alcohol. Long-term exposure to alcohol or anger puts excess stress on the liver.

Sad people tend to crave carbohydrates, especially sweets. Long-term exposure to a high-carbohydrate diet results in insulin resistance and diabetes. Sadness is known to affect the pancreas, which produces insulin.

Another approach we can use to detect the emotional causes of pain is to look at the symbolism of the different parts of the body. The hands grip, so a pain in the hand is generally a problem with holding onto something. Likewise, the intestines are the part of the body that eliminates waste. So if we have a problem with the intestines, it too is usually a problem of holding onto an emotion. However, the intestines are deeper in the body than the hand, so they would represent holding onto a deeper emotion. For another example, our feet are used to move us through our world, so a pain in the foot would be associated with a fear of moving forward.

Lastly, we can look for clues about the body in sayings from the past. “That really galls me,” is an expression revealing that slow-burning anger affects the gall bladder. “You expect me to swallow that?” is a reaction toward someone you feel is “feeding you” a lie, which affects the throat. A person who is constantly criticizing is “riding you.” If they do it enough, you get angry and yell, “Get off my back!” That anger is stored in the upper back. A person who doesn’t get what you are trying to tell them is a “pain in the neck.”

What we are seeing here is that the location of a pain can tell us a lot about the emotional circumstance that caused the pain in the first place.

Perhaps the best roadmap to the emotional roots of physical pain and illness is a book by Louise Hay, Heal Your Body.  I constantly use this seven-dollar book as a springboard to solve emotional puzzles. Louise Hay looks at all the body parts and a variety of major diseases, and gives us the emotional counterpart to each. Her insights may not cover every situation, but I’ve always found them to be in the ballpark.

So you ask, “How can I figure out what’s behind my pain?” The first step is to use Louise Hay’s book and look up the location of the pain. Now look at which side of the body it is located on. Typically, a pain on the left side of the body will have to do with a relationship, and pain on the right side of the body has to do with finances, career, etc. I say typically, because it’s flipped in a very small percentage of people: the right side will represent relationships and the left side financial matters.

Sometimes pain is located in more than one part of the body. The two pains may not be related, but more often they are related.

One woman I know complained of a pain in her left hand. Louise Hay would say that this pain represents holding onto an issue. Since it is on the left side, we can assume it has to do with a relationship. She also complained of a pain that starts in her neck (Hay says: failure to see the other side of an issue), and moves to her jaw (anger) and throat (anger). I also saw this woman rubbing her left knee (stubbornness and inflexibility).

Let’s consult the old sayings. Remember, the throat is about swallowing a lie, and you clench your jaw to resolutely move forward.

Now let’s put it all together. What we are looking at is a breach of trust in a relationship where the partner did something to break that trust – something pretty bad. The woman stubbornly refuses to hear the other side of the story because there simply is no excuse for what happened. Any excuse, therefore, would be something she could not swallow. She holds onto this anger, and it is triggered on a regular basis.

Since her emotion is manifesting in several locations, we might assume that the emotions behind the  event or series of events are pretty powerful. This description could represent something that happened in a past relationship, like infidelity. Or it could be a childhood trauma. Sexual assault is a possibility.

A medical diagnosis is often helpful. If a pain is due to arthritis, we can add the emotion of resentment to the mix. Arthritis in the knee would indicate an incident in which the person was both resentful and stubborn. Inflammation would add anger to the mix. If your hand was swollen with arthritis, you might be holding onto an incident that makes you angry and resentful.

Cancer would indicate that something was eating away at you. Often cancer is associated with anger, but it can also stem from grief, as in the loss of a loved one. The location of the cancer is a good clue. Pancreatic cancer might indicate grief, while liver cancer might point to anger. However, pancreatic cancer could also indicate anger associated with sadness, as in the case where a best friend ran off with a spouse.

While it is possible to come pretty close to detecting an emotional cause just by analyzing physical symptoms, listening to what people say and noticing how they say it is invaluable. People will express the emotion that they are resonating with. You will hear it in their voice and see it in their face and body language.

Last but not least, trust your intuition. When you start looking for the source of a physical pain, check with your intuition to see if the direction you are going “feels right.” If not, take another tack.

It’s a good idea to work with a partner or practitioner who might have insight in this area. As with all things emotional, it is often easier to read someone else than yourself, and for someone else to read you than for you to figure out yourself.

EFT can be used throughout this process. If you don’t know the cause of a pain, tap on the image of that pain and you’ll probably get a measure of relief. If you can guess at emotional causes, tap on those. But keep your intuition open, because a memory may stir, or a feeling that reminds you of an incident, and these are your true leads. Tap on them, and be specific and thorough. Once the anger is gone, you’ll find hurt. Once the hurt is gone, you’ll find guilt, and so on. You can see why, as a rule of thumb, traumatic events and “core issues” should be handled with the help of an EFT professional.

The truth is, people don’t really come to me for help with a past trauma. They don’t think about that trauma. That trauma is packed away tightly in their back closet so they can function today. Clients come to me with problems and pains that have manifested in their lives today. And as we open the closet to make a repair, the trauma falls out, ready to finally be resolved.

So can pain be your friend? When your pain reveals your emotions, it allows you to take care of yourself on a deeper level. After all, what are friends for?

I Feel Tired After Tapping

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Has anyone mentioned to you that they feel REALLY fatigued after an EFT session? I have had about three sessions with clients where some really amazing core issues moved. At the end of the session the clients felt quite tired after. Is this normal?


photo by Brian Barnett

It is important to remember when we using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) we are changing the energy system of the body, energy that is used to power all of the body’s systems and functions.

Whenever we do anything that expels a great deal of energy, especially something we don’t normally do, we need to rest so the body can rebuild the energy it just used up to perform the task. This is true for physical (after a workout when we haven’t worked out in a while) and emotional (after a long cry) circumstances.

A couple of things are at play when we do EFT for especially emotional core issues.

First, making changes at the core level for very profound issues use a great deal of energy. EFT is a simple process to and doesn’t take much time or effort, but we are still using a great deal of energy to make that change.

Second, deep core issues almost invariably involve dysfunction in the physical body or our emotional state because something is blocking the flow of energy. At the point of the block there is a build up of energy because the energy can’t move in the way it would like.

A good way to think of this is to imagine a clogged pipe. At the point of the blockage pressure builds up over time. When the blockage is originally removed there will be a great rush as the pressures is released all at once. When we clear an energy blockage with EFT the same thing happens. The build-up of energy at the point of the blockage is released, leaving the person feeling a deficiency of energy.

When an EFT session clears a partial blockage we feel energized and ready to take on the world. We can see the change in ourselves, we can see a brighter future, and we sense our energy flowing better in the body. But there are also going to be times when doing EFT work is going to leave us very tired. In my experience the feeling of being tired is going to happen most often after working on very deep core issues, but that is not always the case. When we do any sort of energy work it can leave us tired.

When I am working with clients, I check in with them every ten or fifteen minutes to see how they feel energetically. I have also found that certain clients get tired in different ways. Some never get tired, some tire slowly over time, and still others seem to go from high energy to no energy in a moment.

Whenever I have a client end a session very tired I recommend that they pay special attention to drink a lot of water for the next eight hours and that they shouldn’t do anything too strenuous until they feel more energized.

Physical Therapy/Range of Motion

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After an accident I have had physical therapy and I’m doing better. As part of my therapy I am supposed to do sit-ups/leg raises, but the strain on my lower back is too much and the next day I can barely stand up or bend over. I know as I do more therapy it will get better, but I was wondering if I could use EFT to do the sit-ups/leg raises to build my muscles?


photo by Matthew Fang

Here is a similar experience I had with a client which I think will shed light on what you’re doing. I was working with a dancer who had a hip injury and was having trouble doing a turning dance move.

I had her visualize herself doing the move. I then asked her how much of the move she was doing. 100% was the move at full speed and flawless. Anything less than full speed or full movement was rated less than that. We then tapped on the aspect of the trouble she was having. These ranged from feeling too stiff in the visualization to worrying that the move was too fast and she was going to fall. We tapped on whatever was short of 100%. Then she visualized herself doing the move again. We repeated the process until she got to 100%.

She was then able to repeat the process on her own, but she didn’t need to do this many times as the hip issues went away very quickly after we started doing this work.

I would have you do a similar visualization. Imagine you are doing the sit-ups/leg raises. Tune in to how easy or hard it is for you. What are the worries you have about doing the exercise? Is it going to hurt, take too long, or ache in the morning? Then tap on these issues.

[Note: This question came in a few weeks ago.  I answered the question directly and this is part of the e-mail received back.

After a week of tapping and visualizations I am able to reach to my knees — which is more than I've been able to do in almost one year. My stretches aren't painful and (oddly or not) the soreness that should be there due to inactivity is far far less. Say a 5 on a scale of 1-10, ten being I'm not moving out of this bed, heating pad or not. Thanks again!]

How long to tap, how many session to tap, getting 100% clear

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How long should I use EFT on an issue? Is it important that I tap on an issue until it is 100% clear? How many sessions should I work on the same issue?

There are a number of things to consider when approaching these questions. Let’s take these questions one at a time.

How Much Work In One Session?

When it comes to how long to tap in one session it is good let our bodies be our guide. When tapping we are doing energy work. We’re clearing energetic blocks, causing energy to move around and through the body. This can be draining. Typically people can tap for about an hour before they need to take a break, but if you’re working on something very emotional, you might need to tap for less time to avoid a state of exhaustion.

Each person is going to react to EFT in a different way. I have clients who will have lots of energy one minute and the next minute they are completely exhausted. Other clients will slowly become more and more tired. Listen to your body. It will tell you when you need to stop.

As a side note, if you do find yourself particularly tired after a tapping session, make sure that you keep your system hydrated. When your body is tired you know you’ve moved a lot of energy, and water is essential for your body to re-energizing.

Do I need to get 100% clear?

The amount of time you should spend tapping on an issue is going to depend on your purpose. Let’s look at the examples of killing a craving and getting over the fear of public speaking to examine the different objectives we can have with tapping.

When I deal with a craving my goal is not necessarily to be completely free of the craving, but to be free to make a good choice. My comfort food is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I often crave them at about 9:30 p.m. as I’m getting ready for bed. The craving peaks at about an 8 on the SUDs scale. My goal is to be sure I can make good choices about what I eat. Just one or two rounds of tapping reduces my craving to a 1 or 2. The craving still exists, but I won’t give in to a craving that weak.

Again, my goal was not to eat the candy. Therefore I’ve reached that goal. Because I am going to easily make the choice I want to make, I don’t need to do any more tapping.

In comparison, when I’ll be speaking in public my goal is to be anxiety-free when I speak so I can do my absolute best. It is 10 minutes before I am to step to the microphone and my level of anxiety is at an 8 on the SUDs scale. After a few round of tapping my anxiety is down to a 2, but it’s still there. Since my goal is to be completely free of anxiety and I am still at a 2, I’ll keep tapping until I’m at 0.

Ultimately, the goal of EFT is to feel or act differently. Sometimes this will require us to be completely 100% clear to make that change. There are going to be other times where we don’t need a 100% clearance to change our state or choices.

I’ve been working on pain management with a client. For her it’s enough to get the chronic headache that is a 7 or 8 down to a 2 or 3. At that level it’s a manageable amount of pain because she no longer feels it all the time.

How many sessions do I need to tap on one issue?

Again, this is going to depend on the issue and your goal for that issue.

The rule of thumb I use is, “Keep coming back until you know it’s gone.”

The issue we’re working on can have varied and deep roots. Just because we feel clear on an issue after one session doesn’t mean it’s gone for good. Instead we may have just cleared enough for this moment. When it comes to working on big issues (self-esteem, trauma, chronic pain) it will normally take a number of sessions.

Any issue worth spending time on is also worth coming back to until you’re sure it’s gone. This is one of the reasons I encourage my clients to take notes when they tap. When you have notes on the issues you’ve worked on and the phrases you’ve used, you know you can come back to it and be sure it’s cleared.

I would keep revisiting an issue until you can revisit three separate times with no reaction at all.

Summary

Remember, there are no cut and dried rules for how much and how long you should tap on a specific issue. The most important thing to understand is why you want to clear the issue. When you know why you are doing the work, then you can more accurately gauge when you’re ready to move on to something else.

Facts of the Situation v. Emotions We Feel – AKA – I don’t know what to say (Part 5)

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I’m very effective at using EFT for physical pain and small frustrations, but when it comes to the big emotional issues, I just don’t know where to start. I tap on all of the issues and emotions I can think of, but it doesn’t feel like I’m making any progress. Is there a way that I can break down an issue so it’s more manageable?

One of the reasons I love Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) so much is because it is very effective at dealing with the emotions we feel, right as we are feeling them. However, when we are feeling an unpleasant emotion deeply, we are less likely to have the presence of mind to do EFT. If we do have the presence of mind to tap, we are so emotionally wrapped up in those feelings, we struggle to see clearly what is happening.

One of the main reasons we take our problems to friends, family members, therapists, and counselors is to gain some objective perspective. Someone who is not as emotionally involved as we are will be able to help us see the forest from the trees. They are able to help us see past our emotional blind spots.

Unfortunately, we don’t always have an external sounding board to help us gain perspective. When I’m in this situation I take the following steps.

First, I gain a little space and distance form the emotions I’m feeling. Emotions are very like a snowball rolling down a hill. The more we engage and feel the emotions, the more the emotions tend to build. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths to gain a little space. Sometimes I do a round or two of tapping where I tune into nothing more than what I feel in my body. I notice any strain or pain. I tap this away. I find that when I relax my physical body, I also relax my emotional state, giving me a clearer head to assess what I’m dealing with.

The second step is the most difficult. In this step I separate the facts as I perceive them from the assumptions I am making in light of these facts, and the emotions I feel about these facts. This is very difficult because of the way we process information. The genius of our brain is its ability to take a small number of facts and fill in the rest of the picture. Because of this we are able to quickly assess new situations and respond to them. To do this we make assumptions. This can be problematic if we make wrong assumptions or if we treat our assumptions as facts. Here is an example, to make this easier to understand.

One of my clients, “Linda”, has a very trying relationship with her father. For the first time in months he e-mailed her out of the blue. The e-mail was eighteen words long, asking how she was doing. As Linda described the e-mail she said, “When my father sent me an e-mail attacking me I felt…” Nowhere in the e-mail was there an attack, but Linda had read the e-mail as, “You’re only asking me how I’m doing because you think I’m doing poorly and I need your help. I told you that you couldn’t do this on your own.” In Linda’s mind it was a fact that the e-mail was an attack.

It is very possible in this case that Linda’s assumptions are 100% true. It is possible that Linda’s father had sent her this e-mail in a very passive-aggressive fashion. But we don’t know that for sure.

In this case the only thing we can treat as fact is that her father sent her an e-mail eighteen words long, asking how she is. Everything else is an assumption.

When we take the time to break down a circumstance like this we find that in most cases our emotional response is to the assumptions we’ve made. We are not responding to the facts; we are instead responding to our assumptions about the motivations of the actors who created the facts.

Remember, our minds are built to fill in the gaps to make the circumstance easier to understand. As we can see, this can create problems. To gain clarity we need to separate the facts from the assumptions. As hard as this step is, there is a very simple way to do this.
The assumptions we make when it comes to others are generally about motivation. We take the facts of another’s actions, i.e., sending an e-mail, and we try to read the other person’s mind to assign a motivation as to why they took a certain action.

We get ourselves into emotional trouble when we start assigning motivations to other people’s actions. We have feelings such as hurt, anger and suspicion to protect us. They motivate us to stand up for ourselves or leave. But these emotions take a toll when we have them at times that we don’t need to have them. This happens most often when we assign motivation for other’s actions.

The third step is to start clearing the emotions that have arisen because of the assumptions and motivations we’ve assigned to the circumstance. Here is another example to help illustrate.

Let’s suppose that a husband spends hours cooking a special dinner for his wife. Three hours after their appointed meeting time she is still not home. She hasn’t called and isn’t answering her cell phone. As each moment passes he gets more and more angry because once again she has chosen her career over time for them to be together.

Now it is possible that she had a flat tire on the way home and her cell phone isn’t working. It is also possible that she really does value her career over time together. But it does him no good to get into a lather until he knows the facts. If he can take a few breaths and separate the facts from the assumptions he’s making, he’s more likely to have better emotional balance. He will be able to tap his anger away by looking at multiple points of view.

The common struggle my clients have at a time like this is coming up with the phrases to say. There is a very easy formula.

1) Tap on all of the self-talk that is going on in your head.
As your emotions build, there is a running commentary of what you’re thinking. Tap and say these thoughts out loud.

2) What would you say to the person if they were standing before you right now?
What would you accuse them of? Are they selfish, mean, inconsiderate, using you? Tap on the phrase, “They are so [insert adjective] and it makes me feel [your emotion]”

3) As hard as it is, give them the benefit of the doubt.
Tap on all of the possible reasons that things are happening as they are. Tap on the best possible reason why this is happening. This is called reframing. Assume the best for now. If the facts prove otherwise then you can take the appropriate action, but save your emotional energy until that time. It might look something like this:

I am really angry she didn’t show up on time…I worked really hard on this meal…My work isn’t appreciated…Whenever I do something nice it turns out like this…Her career always comes first…She is so selfish, and it makes me feel worthless…She only cares about herself, and it makes me feel like I’m wasting my time…But I choose to recognize that I don’t know why she’s late…There might be a problem I don’t know about…If she is choosing her career over time together I have the right to be mad and we will need to talk about that…But I give myself permission not to be mad until I know the facts of the circumstance…I love my wife. and I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt until I know the facts.

In summary the process is very simple:

  • Take a deep breath, literally and figuratively. Take a step back to get a clear head. It’s going to be very hard to tap on any emotion when you’re so engaged in that emotion it’s all you can think of. Don’t stop counting at ten, count to one hundred or one thousand.
  • Once you have created a little space, assess what is really going on. Name the facts of the situation, and identify the assumptions you ‘ve made that you are treating as facts. Look especially for the assumed motivations. We get ourselves in the most trouble when we create motivations for others.
  • Tap on how you feel, why you feel that way, and on the other possible reasons and motivations for what’s going on.

Why do I have to tap? (part 3 of 3)

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Why is it that fretting, stewing, or worrying about an issue consciously doesn’t dissolve the emotions, but tapping while expressing it does?


photo by Mike

In part one of this series we looked at how the human mind creates models of information from our experiences which enable us to quickly assess the situation we are in. We also looked at the way these inaccurate and/or incomplete models can cause us problems. In part two of this series we looked at how Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can be used to update and change these models to be more accurate and therefore serve us better.

In this third part of the series we are going to look at how our disposition affects our ability to use EFT to change these models. At the end of part two we showed that EFT is a mechanical process. If EFT is done correctly it will work. It does not require you to believe that EFT will work, and it does not require you to have the intention for healing to happen.

But there are two ideas that must be kept in mind for the statements of the last paragraph to be true and for EFT to be an effective tool in our lives.

First, EFT must be done correctly. When I say “done correctly” I’m not merely talking about the mechanics of the tapping on the body or saying the reminder phrase just perfectly. Yes, it is important that we tap on the right points, but we can only say that we are doing EFT correctly when we are pulling the emotion or model into our energy system so we can work on it. Simply saying a phrase out loud does not guarantee that we have brought the emotion into focus.

I can say “This pain in my neck. This pain in my neck. This pain in my neck.” and be thinking about what I want to have for dinner tonight. It might appear that I’m doing EFT correctly, but in reality I’m just going through the motions.

This cannot be stressed enough, especially to those who are just starting with EFT. The words we use are not magic. They don’t have to be prefect. They don’t have to be said in just one way. The phrases we say are only important in the way they help us to stay tuned in to our problem.

When a client is crying (having a SUDs level of 9 or 10) we don’t need to say anything out loud. They are completely tuned into the issue. As the issue comes down, we will then start using the phrases to make sure the client stays focused on the issue.
EFT is a mechanical process that works — “when we do it correctly.”

Second, if we believe EFT works we are more likely to DO it than if we don’t believe.

This is really common sense. It could be 100% true that if you stand on one leg for 23 minutes a night humming “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” that you are going to find your true love. There is no way I am going to believe it. So it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, because it will have no effect on my life. My belief doesn’t determine whether this action works, but my disbelief is going to prevent me from trying it. In this case it won’t work, because it doesn’t work for me.

EFT is no different. If you don’t believe it will make a difference in your life, you are much less likely to do it. This is the only way belief can affect EFT’s effectiveness. We will be more willing to try it when we are around people who believe in its effectiveness. We might even try it from time to time on our own, but as soon as we find some resistance or the moment the one-minute miracles stop, that is the moment we will stop using EFT.

EFT is a very powerful tool:

  • which works regardless of whether we believe in it or not
  • which we won’t use unless we believe in it, therefore our belief will determine if it is effective in our lives

Why do I have to tap? (part 1 of 3)
Why do I have to tap? (part 2 of 3)

Why do I have to tap? (part 2 of 3)

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Why is it that fretting, stewing, or worrying about an issue consciously doesn’t dissolve the emotions, but tapping while expressing it does?


photo by Sacha Fernandez

In part one of this series we looked at how models of information work. We looked at how these models of information serve us, making it easier for us to function in the world.

We also saw that there can be negative consequences when these models are inaccurate or incomplete.
In the last part of this series we demonstrated how these inaccurate models can be detrimental by looking at a fear of mice where a past experience contains the model that mice are very dangerous and that when we encounter them we must escape.

Now let’s take a look at how we use EFT to change these inaccurate models.

Changing Models with EFT
If I were to use EFT to work with my fear of mice the first step is to tune in to my fear of mice. I could just picture a mouse running under my chair and my heart would start to race. When I tune in to an issue, I am accessing a model of information. I think, “mouse under my chair,” and the model is applied. This is what we do when we are worrying about some issue. We are just accessing the models we hold. But, we aren’t making any changes to the model itself. When we access the model in the future we will have the same feelings.

The next step in EFT is to start tapping on the issue. According to the theory of EFT, when we are thinking a thought that is not in line with health and well-being, the energy system of the body is in some way out of balance or disrupted. Every time we apply an inaccurate model to a scenario we are creating this state of energetic imbalance. By tapping we are bringing the system back to balance. This is the reason we feel better about the issue after tapping.

The amazing part of EFT is that we bring the energy system back into balance as we tap, and we also make a change to the model. We are taking the inaccurate information in the model, and we are replacing it with information of health and well-being.

By changing the model, the next time the model is applied I respond more appropriately. In our example:

  • I think about my fear of mice.
  • I tap on the system with EFT to bring it back to balance, my natural state.
  • As the system comes back to balance the model is corrected.
  • The next time I see a mouse I apply the updated model and I am less afraid or not scared at all.

EFT is a mechanical process. If you tune into a model and then tap while tuned into the model, you will correct some or all of the inaccurate parts of the model. Since EFT is a mechanical process, if you do the steps correctly, improvement will occur.

This brings us to the third part of the question. How is intention involved in the healing process with EFT? As we have just shown, if the protocol is applied correctly, it doesn’t matter if you have the intention for release. I have done EFT with a number of skeptical people. They didn’t believe EFT was going to work and it did. But it did because they fully engaged in the process. This is not a small point.

If you don’t have the intention for release and health it’s more likely you will do the protocol incorrectly. Remember the words we use are not magic. The words help us to tune into an issue, but it is possible to say words, “this fear of mice, this fear of mice, this fear of mice” and to be thinking about what is on TV tonight and not mice. Even though it looks like I’m doing EFT correctly, I am not — I am just tapping on my body in some random fashion. Successful EFT requires tapping as well as tuning into the issue!

Therefore intention is not a prerequisite for EFT to work, but I encourage all my clients to have the intention of health because it will help them to stay focused and on task.

A few thoughts to keep in mind:

  • We hold models of how the world works to make the world easier to navigate.
  • It is possible to have inaccurate or incomplete models of the world.
  • Simply activating these models will not change them.
  • If we are tuning in to our inaccurate or incomplete models of the world while tapping we can correct the models.
  • Intention is not a requirement for EFT to work but it helps us to do the process correctly.

We have now examined how we model information, how this affects our current choices, and how we can use EFT to clean up inaccurate models. It has been shown that we don’t have to have the intention to heal for EFT to work, but in the third and final part of this series we will look at how our point of view and disposition can affect our ability to do EFT effectively.

Why do I have to tap? (part 1 of 3)
 Why do I have to tap? (part 3 of 3)

Why do I have to tap? (part 1 of 3)

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Why is it that fretting, stewing, or worrying about an issue consciously doesn’t dissolve the emotions, but tapping while expressing it does?


photo by Alessandro

This thoughtful question is about many topics at once. Embedded in this question is:

  • Why and how do emotions, memories, and issues affect us emotionally and influence the choices we make?
  • Why is tapping necessary to make a change?
  • Is it important to have the intention of healing while tapping?

In this three-part series we examine each of these questions fully. In part 1 we will look at how we store memories as models, what happens when we remember, and how this influences the choices we make. In part 2 we will look at why just thinking about an issue doesn’t bring about change, but tapping will. In part 3 we will examine if we need to have the intention of healing while tapping in order for Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to work.

How we store information as models
The world is a complicated place. At any given moment we are processing upwards of four million pieces of information coming in through all of our senses. Our brains are very powerful when it comes to handling all of this information. But even with all of this power it would be very cumbersome to process every piece of data we experience as something completely new.

Imagine what it would be like to treat every new tree you saw as a new experience. It would be a large green thing (often much larger than ourselves) that would be shaking. This could be very scary. In order to prevent this the mind creates models of the information we experience in the world to help us more quickly assess what we are encountering.

Having these models, we don’t have to analyze how everything in our experience works. For example, when a server places a glass of ice water in front of me at a café, I assume the water is going to be cold. I’ve experienced many glasses of water. Seeing ice cubes in the glass, I assume the water is cold. As I bring the glass to my mouth I don’t worry about burning my tongue. Because of the models I hold about water, ice, and cafés, I don’t give the water much thought.

Is it possible that the water is going to be lukewarm? Sure, but that is only disappointing, not dangerous. Is it possible that the water is scalding hot? It is possible, but very unlikely. For me to be served boiling hot water with ice in it at a restaurant would require the hot water to be served the moment the ice was placed in the cup. It would also require the server to be trying to trick me. Even though it is possible, it is so unlikely that I don’t have to worry about it.

In this case of being served a glass of ice water, I hold the following models:

  • Ice is cold
  • When ice is placed in a liquid it cools that liquid
  • It is typical to be served a glass of cold water in a café or restaurant
  • I am expecting the water to be cold and the server wants to meet my expectation to insure a good tip

Because of these models I can bring the glass of water to my mouth without giving it much thought. My brain has been spared a great deal of processing time by not having to examine every part of the experience.

The way the brain models information is a very simple concept. It might even be very obvious concept, but it is important to know how it works.

When our models of the world DON'T serve us
As powerful as modeling information is to save the brain processing time, there is a flaw in this system. When we have inaccurate or incomplete models of a situation, use of the model works against us. Let’s look at an example of how this might happen.

Let’s pretend that as I write this, a mouse runs by where I’m sitting. Without even thinking about it I jump up on the table and start screaming like a five-year-old. In this scenario I haven’t given what has happened much thought. My mind worked very quickly. It has assessed the situation, applied the models I have, and reacted.

The models I have about mice are built upon my past experience. Unfortunately, when I was six years old, my brother threw a mouse into my sleeping bag when we were camping. It was dark. I was already worried about bears that had been sighted in the campgrounds the night before. Suddenly I felt an animal on my legs, causing me terror and panic.

Because of this past experience, my model of mice includes all the fear and anxiety of that night. Therefore my model of mice says they are deadly creatures, I’m not safe, and I need to run for my life.

The model has done its job. My model of mice was applied to the current experience and I acted without having to think. However, since mice aren’t deadly creatures, my model is inaccurate and has served me poorly.

EFT and Models
Now that we understand how we model information from our past and how we use these models to inform our choices, we can start to look at how EFT fits into this. EFT helps us make changes to incomplete and inaccurate models. In part 2 of this series we will look at how EFT does change these models and why simply worrying and fretting about them is not enough.

Why do I have to tap? (part 2 of 3)
 Why do I have to tap? (part 3 of 3)