Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Transforming Our Critical Voice Into Something Helpful With Tapping and EFT In 8 Easy Steps

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[Note: In this article I am going to be addressing the role of the critical voice. I am going to speak as if the critical voice has a personality and motives. I am not saying the critical voice is a distinct personality or that it is separate from us in any way. But by speaking of it as if it is distinct it will give us the ability to deal effectively with only one part of our personality, helping us to get some perspective on what is going on and enabling faster transformation.]
One of the reasons that I love EFT/tapping is because it is very effective in dealing with our critical voice. The critical voice is nothing more than that little nagging voice that is always pointing out everything we have done wrong, everything we are going to do wrong, and everything we are never going to be.

Sometimes this voice is nothing more than a simple annoyance, while at other times it can be so crippling that it prevents us from getting out of bed in the morning.

Because of this most of us don’t have a very good relationship with our critical voice. Many of us resent it and even hate it. One of the underlying themes of my work is to transform the relationship we have with ourselves and with parts of our personality in order to facilitate lasting change. Working with our critical voice is a perfect example of a place where we can apply this principle.

It is very difficult for us to transform our critical voice when we are angry at it. When we are angry at a part of our personality it will entrench itself and fight back. If we are willing to change our attitude toward this part of our personality then we can get it to work with us to create lasting and deep transformation.

Before we can begin the process we need to understand why the critical voice exists.

And the reason might surprise you.

The Critical Voice Exists To Make Our Life Better

I know that statement is very hard to believe. I would even be willing to bet that when you read that statement there was a strong emotional reaction against it, but it’s true.

All parts of our personality exist because they are trying to bring us to our higher good. Just because a part’s motivation is for higher good does NOT mean that it is leading us to our higher good. In this example the critical voice is not pointing things out to make us feel bad or to punish us, but instead is doing so to help us see the errors of our ways so that we will make better choices in the future.

And yes, I know, it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like it is just judging and criticizing.

But, when we are able to recognize that it is trying to help us, it will make it easier for us to transform it into something that is truly helpful. As you will see in this process we do not need to celebrate what the critical voice has done to us to recognize its motivation.

The Process For Transforming Your Critical Voice with Tapping and EFT

One of the nice things about the EFT/tapping protocols is that they are very short and give us the chance to try something out for a few minutes. If it doesn’t work then we can return to what we were doing before. This process is no different. You should be able to complete this process in under 10 minutes.

If you don't buy my “The critical voice is here to help you, but is just doing it in the wrong way”, I would encourage you to give this process a try. If it doesn't work out for you then go back to being mad at the critical voice. The only thing you will have lost is a few minutes tapping on something new.

1) Tune in and connect with the critical voice.
In this step all we need to do is connect with the critical voice. Just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and listen for the voice. It will not be hard to find. Pay attention to where the voice is coming from.

  • Is it something that is internal or external?
  • Is it the voice of someone you know, does it sound like your speaking voice, or is it some other voice?
  • If you were to imagine that the voice belonged to a body, what would that body look like?

The specific answers to these questions aren't important, but by asking them it will be easier for us to connect with the critical part of ourselves, allowing us to do healing work.

2) Affirm the critical voice.
This is going to be the most difficult step of the process because of the hurt and harm we associate with the critical voice. It is important to note that when doing this step we are NOT affirming the tactics of the critical voice and we are NOT affirming the way we feel after we encounter our critical voice. What we are affirming is that it is a part of us that is willing to work very hard to move us to a better life. To do this we would tap on something like:

I would like to give thanks for my critical voice…I am NOT thankful for the tactic that it is using…I am NOT thankful for the way I feel after I experience the critical voice…I am thankful for the fact that there is a part of me that is willing to work so hard…I know that even though it is not doing this…it is trying to make my life better…my critical voice thinks it is making my life better…it thinks that if it berates me…or if it points out everything that is going wrong…that it is going make me make better choices in the future…the critical voice is a very powerful part of me…even if it is not working in a productive way…I know it is working for my betterment…I am thankful that there is a part of me that is willing to work day and night…thinking it is doing what is best for me.

After doing a round of tapping like this we will take some of the edge off. We might not be super-happy with the critical voice, but there is less animosity towards it. At this point that is all we are trying to achieve. When we move from a state of animosity then we are no longer fighting a part of ourselves, and we can now start to work with it.

3) Explain to the critical voice what it is really doing.
As stated above the critical voice in most cases believes that if it is constantly pointing out every flaw and fault, it will motivate us to make better choices. Its motives are either “You don't know you are doing something wrong?” and/or “You don't realize the consequences of these choices?”

In almost every case we are fully aware of the information that the critical voice is providing. In many cases the critical voice is actually over-stating and/or over-reacting to the situation around us. Because we have taken the last step and created a bit of a truce with the critical voice, we can now speak to it with new information.

In this step we are simply going let the critical voice know the consequences of its actions. Try tapping like this:

I know the critical voice is trying to be helpful…but it isn’t…the critical voice is pointing out things I already know…and many times is it pointing out things in a way that is much worse that it really is…the critical voice thinks it is going to encourage me by pointing out my failings…instead I find having every flaw and failing being pointed out to be disheartening…debilitating…I find it very hurtful…I find that it makes it very difficult to believe in myself…it is not pushing me to be better…but instead it is sucking my ability to try right out of my system…I know the critical voice believes it is being helpful…it is not…it is not creating a feeling of encouragement for better…it is creating a feeling of shame…shame is not an emotion of achievement and growth…shame is a feeling of not wanting to try.

4) Show the critical voice proof of its past tactics.
At this point it is very helpful to show the critical voice the proof of what we have just been tapping on. Again, just tune into the critical voice, begin to tap from point to point, and show the critical voice proof of all the ways it has been hurtful and debilitating.

5) Transforming the critical voice into something helpful.
When doing the process with clients there is something very interesting that happens. Clients describe the fact that they can feel the critical voice feeling bad that it has not done its job. I have even had clients describe their critical voice as feeling bad because it feels it is about to be eliminated from the system.

Because we are not fighting with the critical voice (like we were in the beginning), but instead have a relationship with it, we can now guide it to a resource that his helpful. The tapping for this transformation might look like this:

I know the critical voice is very powerful…I have felt the force of its power…but instead of pointing out all of the things I have done wrong…there is a way this voice can be more helpful…I want to harness the power of the voice to be used for my higher good…because I know this voice wants my higher good…I want this voice to stop being a critical voice and become an encouraging voice…because I respond so much better to encouragement…I want this encouraging voice to pick me up when I am down …I want this encouraging voice to push me on to take those last few hard steps…I want the encouraging voice to help me to get started when I can’t quite focus on the task at hand…I want the encouraging voice to use the power it had to see my faults in the past to start to look forward to the opportunities in my future…I want this encouraging voice to move me forward…not keep me stuck in the past…when it does this I will move forward and heal.

This is a very empowering step.

6) Giving the encouraging voice the resources and tools to do its new job.
Just because we want the voice to change (and just because the critical voice wants to become the encouraging voice) doesn't mean the change is going to happen. I have had many clients describe the feeling of having the critical voice being on board with the change but not know what to do next.

I have found the easiest way to complete the change is to ask the critical/encouraging voice what it needs for transformation. The process for this is simple. First, start tapping from point to point. Second, tune back into the critical/encouraging voice. Third, ask it one of the following questions. Fourth, if it states a need based on the questions simply imagine that need being fulfilled.

For example, if it needs permission to change, give it permission. If it needs to know how to encourage you, show it.

Here is a list of sample questions you can ask the voice to help it transform from critical to encouraging.

  • Do you need permission to transform?
  • Do you need training to transform? If so what type?
  • Do you energy to transform? If so what type?
  • Do you need to be connected to other parts of the system? What type of connections need to be made?
  • What do you need from me to make the transformation?

7) Reassure the encouraging voice.
Even when we choose to make this type of transformation it doesn't always take place all at once. And that is ok. The transformation process can take time. We want the healing to happen in a fashion that is long lasting. We are not looking for a short-term quick fix.

The last part of the process is to reassure the encouraging voice that this is going to take time and that we are willing to help it through the transformation.

Try tapping like this:

I am very happy that my internal voice is willing to become an encouraging voice…I know this process is going to take a little time…which is ok because I want lasting change…not a quick fix…I want my encouraging voice to know that I don’t expect it to be perfect right way…I know it is going to need to learn its way into this new role…I commit to check in regularly with the encouraging voice…making sure it has everything it needs to complete this transformation…I give the encouraging voice permission to ask for help from me…even when I am not checking in with it…this is a change that is good for me now…and for the future.

8) Check back regularly.
If this is a process that is helpful for you I would encourage you to do it two or three times a month for a few months to help this transformation process along. I think it is obvious how making the small change of changing one aspect of our personality will cascade into many radical changes in our lives.

I Can’t Do It Unless I Do It Perfectly – One Of The Most Common Reasons We Don’t Take Action

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There are lots of things that motivate us to do well. We all want to be successful. We want to be proud of our work and we want others to recognize our good work.

Sometimes there is an even more powerful driver to success itself: the worry that others will criticize our work.

When we are working from this fear we are coming from a place where everything has to be perfect. The problem is that we are rarely perfect. Since we are rarely perfect we don’t try because we are afraid of the criticism that will result from our imperfection.

Recently I was working with a client named “Brian” who was having a hard time taking action because he needed things to be perfect. During our session we found that he believed the following:

  • I have to be perfect at everything.
  • When I am not perfect it feels horrible.
    • I am not living up to what I should live up to.
    • Others will look down on me.
    • I am going to let myself down.
    • I am going to feel foolish when I fail.
  • Therefore, I am only going to attempt things I know I can do perfectly.

These beliefs were serving Brian well. They spared him the misery of feeling foolish by avoiding the conditions that required him to be perfect.

The problem was that everything didn’t really need to be perfect. The consequences he feared were not real but because of this fear of what would go wrong if he wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t trying anything at all.

So we tapped:

I don’t have to be perfect at everything…there are lots of things where I just need to do well enough…I don’t have to tie my shoes perfectly…I don’t need to make a sandwich perfectly…I don’t have to make the bed perfectly…there are lots of things in my life where all I need is to do them well enough…this doesn’t mean that I will stop striving…this doesn’t mean that I will stop striving for excellence…but I am going to keep everything in perspective…I am going to give myself permission to know that I can do some things well enough without having to do them perfectly.

This round of tapping created a greater sense of peace for Brian, but he could still feel some resistance. For some reason it was still a standard he felt he needed to live up to so we continued the work by going after the definition of perfect:

It is good that I am trying to be perfect…this is rooted in wanting to do my best…this is rooted in wanting to become my best self…but perfect isn’t about getting everything right…perfect is about doing the best that I can…perfect is about living in this moment…perfect is being able to be thankful for this moment…perfect is being able to recognize that in this moment I get to choose who I am…in this moment I get to learn more about myself in the world…perfect is being easy enough with myself that I know I will get another chance…perfect is striving to be my better self…I am always going to be a work in progress…I am never going to do everything perfectly…but I can live this moment as perfect…by striving to be my best…this moment can be perfect because I can learn from the things I am not doing perfectly

This created more peace and relief for Brian. It also created a belief that he could move forward without having to be perfect. As we were doing the tapping described above, Brian remembered his father’s need for perfection from Brian, even when he was a young child. We then tapped to clean up the emotions in those memories.

The need to be perfect, or the fear of what will happen if we aren’t, is one of the most common reasons we don’t take action. Tapping is great for working on that part of you that needs to be perfect.

[Note: Are you looking for tools to help you get out of your own way and achieve what you really want? Check this out]

Overwhelmed By Emotions While Doing EFT: Preventing It From Happening And Dealing With It If It Does

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When I tap I find that I have so many emotions and memories coming up all at once that I feel overwhelmed. It is like they are queuing up to be fixed! Yes, I’m glad this stuff comes up and I deal with it as it comes, but issues are tumbling out so fast they are landing on top of each other. I can’t spend all day in the bathroom at work, how do I deal with all these emotions without feeling overwhelmed?


photo by Ashley Pollak

I have heard of this experience from a number of my clients. It is much like stirring up pond water, the moment you start poking around in it the sediment from the bottom is disturbed and clouds the water.

We can be quite unaware of all the emotions and memories we are carrying around. When we start doing healing work we can stir up the pond and find much more than we bargained for.

I have two recommendations that will help you to not be overcome with emotions when you are tapping. One is for before you dive in, and the other is for when you’ve stirred up more than you bargained for.

Preventing Feeling Emotionally Overwhelmed While Doing EFT By Creeping Up On The Issue

One of the benefits of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is that we are able to creep up on a problem slowly while still doing effective work. Some techniques and therapies require you to dive into intense pain around an issue before you can start healing. It is possible to use EFT in this fashion, but I don’t recommend this approach when doing work alone without the guidance of a skilled practitioner.

I’m not a fan of feeling pain for the sake of pain. Why do healing work in a way that causes a lot of discomfort and distress when you can do it much more gently? A perfect example of this is how we can use EFT to deal with a fear of heights.

We could blindfold someone, take them to the top of a high building, let them freak out on realising where they are, and then start to do EFT.

Is it possible to be successful like this? Maybe, but we’d cause a lot of unnecessary pain in the process.

When I work with someone with this type of fear we start in the suburbs. I tell them that in a while we’ll be going downtown to the top of the tallest building. For someone who fears heights this will cause their anxiety level to rise sharply and we deal with this anxiety by using EFT.

When they are at ease with the thought of heading downtown, we move to the car. In most cases their level of anxiety again rises as the journey to the top of a high building approaches. Again, we do EFT to deal with the anxiety. Once the anxiety is gone we start to drive downtown.

We repeat the process as many times as necessary, stopping to use EFT every time the level of anxiety goes above a 5 until we reach the top of the building. If this means we have to stop the car every 10 minutes and do EFT with each step we take toward the elevator, we do it.

Can this take a great deal of time? Yes. Is it a safe way to heal? In my mind it clearly is.

I recommend that whatever issue you are working on you creep up on it as gently as possible. By doing this you will prevent yourself from becoming overwhelmed. I am in favor of erring on the side of caution even if it means that the healing takes a little more time.

If you think there is a large emotional core to an issue you want to work on I encourage you to take your time. Even when you are doing EFT in a way that feels very slow, it is still a much faster path to healing than most other approaches.

When The Overwhelming Emotions Come Out Of Nowhere While Doing EFT

Sometimes we can’t prevent the flood of emotions and memories. When we started we thought we were working with on an easy, straightforward issue but then something much bigger is uncovered.

We know that EFT is most effective when we can take memories and the emotions associated with them one at a time. It can be difficult to do this when we feel unexpectedly overwhelmed by a group of emotions or memories coming to the surface all at once. Trying to separate them is like trying to separate raindrops in a rainstorm.

When this happens I run through a few steps to calm the storm.

1) Deal with any emotion that you have about being overwhelmed.
We know that we are supposed to break down memories and emotions to clear them effectively and it can be frustrating when we aren’t able to do so. This also produces anxiety that tapping won’t work.

If there is any frustration about being overwhelmed with emotions and memories then that feeling of frustration is the best place to start tapping. The more frustrated you are, the less clearly you’ll see the issues at hand. As you tap give yourself permission to take this slowly. Remember it’s OK not to know everything at once.

Tap on:

I know EFT works better when I can break things down…right now the emotions are coming all at once…I don’t know where to begin…and I feel like I am never going to be able to clear of all of this…but I don’t need to be frustrated or overwhelmed…I will be able to use EFT to take it apart a bit at a time…and by taking it apart little by little it will be manageable…as I break it into pieces it will be easier and easier to manage…I give myself permission to take this slowly…it’s OK that right now I don’t know everything that is going on…[How to use these tapping phrases]

[Side Note: You might also want to take a look at this article on the fear of fear. Sometime we feel overwhelmed because we are afraid of what we will find. If that is the case I think this is a very helpful approach: Fear of Fear]

2) Paint a picture of all the emotions at once
Since we are unable to deal with the emotions one at a time we might as well go after them all at once. Again, this is going to be a somewhat imprecise approach, but the goal of this step is to help us to achieve some clarity so that we can start picking the emotions apart.

In this step tune into all the emotions you are feeling at once. Create a picture in your mind’s eye. Is it something inside of you, or surrounding you? Is it a weight pressing on you or something swirling around you? Is it a mist, a fog, or a storm? Or is it something completely different?

It doesn’t matter what your mind’s eye leads you to, just tune into that image. What color is it? What shape is it? How much does it weigh? What is it made of? Treat this image in exactly the same way you would tune into physical pain.

Now start to tap. At first, just tune into all the characteristics of the image you have just created. As you move from tapping point to point move to a different characteristic — the color, shape, size, weight, where it is located in your body. Keep tuning in and keep tapping.

As you do this you will notice the storm of emotion losing its intensity.

3) Change the image into what needs to happen next
After spending a little time tapping with the image you have in mind, it’s time to change that image. You will either turn it into something new, get rid of it, or destroy it.

If it’s a tornado, see it move off into the distance. If it’s a fog or mist, see the warm morning sun melt it away. If it’s a haze hanging in the air, see environmental engineers with air filters suck away the polluted air, leaving only pure air. If it’s green toxic goo in your chest, see a team of street cleaners work the area over and clean it up. If it’s a heavy metal weight on your chest or shoulders, see little workmen with jackhammers breaking it up.

While doing this, just keep tapping. How you change the image doesn’t matter, but change it for the better. Ask yourself the question, “How could I make this feel better?” and see it happen.

As you do this you will find that you are more relaxed, your issues seem smaller, and you can start to pick the individual emotions apart.

4) Tap on the individual emotions and memories
As the whirlwind of emotions and memories calm you will begin to see each part separately. Now that you can see each part, take them one at a time and tap for them.

Conclusions

The beauty of EFT is we don’t have to feel a great deal of pain for it to be effective. We can work gently on any issue by creeping up on it. There will be times when we become overwhelmed with emotions. When this happens we can still do work by:

  • dealing with the frustration of feeling overwhelmed
  • grouping all the emotions together
  • bringing their intensity down as a group, giving us the space we need to break the emotions apart into manageable pieces

It is important to have a plan when it comes to dealing with feeling emotionally overwhelmed. When you were in grade school your teachers had you practice how to get out of the school if there was a fire. If something did happen then you knew the plan. By having a plan for unexpectedly feeling emotionally overwhelmed you will be able to handle it if it shows up.

Understanding The Healing Process With EFT – Keeping the Long View

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photo by Wally Gobetz

I have started using EFT on a big issue. Some days it is really easy for me to tap. Other days I feels so hard to tap because I feel a million miles away from my goal. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something differently?

I hear this all the time from clients. They find it hard to stay focused on an issue when it takes more than one session. It is easy to feel frustrated with tapping when we hear stories of one minute or one session miracles all the time.

There are good reasons why it takes time with many issues, but it can be difficult.

When we are in the middle of an emotion, such as feeling overwhelmed, all we can feel is overwhelmed and we lose track of all the progress we have made on the issue in previous sessions.

Here are a few things to keep in mind that will keep you on track when working on larger issues.

Healing Has Ups And Downs As We Get Better And Better

One of my favorite analogies of healing is of a stretched spring. Imagine a long spring in front of you. It is stretched from the floor to the ceiling at a 45 degree angle. Imagine that it is going from the lower left to the upper right.

If we trace the spring we will be going up and down with each spiral, but as we move along the length of the whole spring we will be moving in an upward direction in the long term.

This is what our healing experience is like. As we are tapping on our issues we are slowly moving up, but there will be daily up and down moments.

The problem comes when we are having a down moment. The problem is not that we are down, but when we are down we are so completely caught in that negative emotion that we lose track of the progress we’re making. We forget all that we achieved on the way to that point.

This doesn’t negate or explain away the negative emotion we are feeling in the moment, but it does give us some perspective. Healing seems more attainable when we have this perspective.

Almost without exception, when I’m working with a client over six weeks I expect that I’ll need to point out that they really have made a great deal of progress, even though they can’t feel it right now.

It Is Easy To Miss Our Progress

Here is a perfect example of one of my clients “Debbie” who didn’t see how much progress she had made.

Here is a little background on what Debbie was dealing with: Debbie’s mom has battled with cancer on and off for years and has been in hospital frequently in the last two years. Debbie’s sister is currently pregnant with twins. Debbie had made a change to who was providing the daily care for her mother and she called her sister to explain the new arrangement.

For some reason as Debbie was explaining the changes her sister started screaming and yelling. Her sister was yelling in such a ferocious way that Debbie couldn’t understand a word she was saying.

Debbie calmly explained she was sorry her sister was so mad at her, but Debbie was happy with the choices she had made. She offered her sister a chance to have a reasonable conversation about what had transpired, but it was not acceptable for her to be spoken to in that way.

Her sister hung up!

It was quite amazing that Debbie had responded so calmly. I know I might not have done so well.

What was even more amazing was her response considering her history. I’d worked with Debbie intermittently over eighteen months. When I first met her she would have flown off the handle if her sister had spoken to her in that way. Then she would have cried. Then she would have called a friend and cried to her friend. Then she would have felt bad for burdening her friend with her issues.

What Debbie understood was that her sister might be over-emotional because of her pregnancy and their mother’s illness. She saw that it might not have anything to do with what she had done, but this was the place her sister was choosing to lash out.

Debbie was able to react in this way because she was much more comfortable in her own skin. Eighteen months ago she would have taken the attack personally. Her fragile self-esteem would have been bruised by the experience. She would have responded in anger (which is the body’s way of protecting itself from an attack).

This is not to say that Debbie shouldn’t protect herself, or that responding in anger is always bad. Instead, in this situation Debbie identified the situation for what it was and realized that she wasn’t IN FACT being attacked but was the chosen recipient for some misguided rage.

The most amazing about the whole instance was that Debbie didn’t even realize she was responding differently than she would have done in the past.

As her sister was yelling at her she didn’t think, “I am choosing not to take this attack personally. I am going to be calm.” She was just calm. It was only when I pointed out to her that she had responded differently that she realized the extent of her own transformation.

Taking A Moment To See Our Transformation

The reason the change was less obvious to Debbie was because she was not making a new choice. Instead, she has transformed how she sees herself. Between the work we had done together and the work she has done on her own, Debbie transformed her understanding of her own worth.

Debbie is not “doing” anything differently. She is “being” someone different. Because she is comfortable in her own skin it is natural for her not to overreact to the attack, because there is no good reason for the attack.

It is just as important for us to recognize this type of transformation as it is to recognize that when we are down in the moment we are still moving upwards over the long haul. When we recognize this sort of transformation it benefits us in two ways. First, we can celebrate that we are doing better than before. Second, it encourages us to progress further.

Debbie’s experience is a perfect example of The Stages Awareness. I encourage you to read that piece to help you see where you are on the path to healing, showing you that you are on the right path and what further steps can be taken.

It is natural and common to be caught up in where we are in this moment.

If you are feeling like you aren’t making progress with an issue take a step back and ask yourself, “In the last few weeks, how far have I come with this issue?”

You will be surprised and feel re-energized to keep working on it.

Filed Under: Q&A

5 Things You Must Know Before Doing EFT With Children and Teens

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photo by Fine Shots

Tapping with children can be a very rewarding experience. In many cases children take to tapping much faster than adults because they are more willing to try new things and aren’t hung up on why something is working. They just want to feel better.

Here are five things to keep in mind when teaching kids to tap. (Note: All five lessons below are hard won. I know them to be true because I have done the opposite of all five at one point.)

1) They Are Smarter Than You Think

I recently spoke to 600 middle school students about bullying. To start the presentation I talked about why bullies bully. I talked about what happens on an emotional level and how that affects our choices. At the end of the presentation the children broke up into to small groups with their adults to talk about what they can do to stop bullying in their schools. After the small group time a number of the adults walked up to me to express how surprised they were with the complexity of thoughts the kids had, the emotions they experienced, and how overall thoughtful they were.

Kids don't have the vocabulary to express their emotions and thoughts the way adults do, but they are thinking real thoughts about their lives, their emotions, and who they are. Give them space to talk about their emotions, teach them how to talk about them, and they will surprise you (in really good ways).

2) You Must Be Authentic Or They Will Tune You Out

Kids today are very savvy because of their access to information and technology. They are treated by big business as a market place and they are constantly sold to through television and online. Because of this they have very sophisticated BS detectors and they can tell when someone is not being authentic with them.

It is so tempting to want to be cool and hip when talking with kids (especially teens), thinking you are “speaking their language”. It is just the opposite. They don't want some line or for you to talk like them. They want someone who is just being who they are, even if that means being your dorky self.

You can’t ask a child to honest with their emotions and be comfortable inside their own skin unless you are willing to try to do the same.

3) Your Job Is To Love Them, Not Be Loved By Them

When we are working with teens or children we are doing it because we want better for them. That is the goal. Nothing more. Nothing less. We are not trying to be their friend and we are not trying to gain their admiration. We have our own friends and peers for that. This doesn't mean that we act like jerks or that we don't care, forgetting to treat them with respect. Sometimes wanting the best for someone is asking them to do difficult things and things they might not enjoy.

To help them heal we need their respect, not their love and affection. It is OK to be comfortable with that notion.

4) Teach Them Tools

Children (and most people) don't care how or why tapping works. They are just looking for something that makes them feel better. When working with kids and teens give them tools. They don't need theory. They want to be better, happier, and healthier. Once they know the tool works they might ask you how it works and why.

I love coming up with little processes that are easy to follow.

For example, a great way for parents to teach kids to tap for themselves is have them tap and explain four things whilst they are tapping.

  • What was the best part of the day?
  • What was the worst part of the day?
  • What are they looking forward to tomorrow?
  • What are they worried about tomorrow?

Very simple. It is easy to remember and easy to do. Once they have the tools they can take care of themselves.

5) Start With How The Emotions Feel In The Body

As I said above, children (and many adults) don't have the skill or vocabulary to talk about their emotions as emotions. I like to have them talk about how the emotions feel in the body to help them to tune in.

They might not have the vocabulary to talk about the disappointment that comes with poor grades vs. fighting with a friend. They might call both of these emotions “mad”. But if you get them to talk about how it feels in the body they will be able to be more specific. By describing where the emotion is in the body (head, throat, stomach…) and how it feels in these places (heavy, tight, hot…) they will be much more successful with their tapping.

Go For It

You don't have to be perfect when working with teens or children. They are looking for adults who care about them and care about their wellbeing. Show up from a place of love, treat them with respect, be ready for lots of questions and you will be a great tapping teacher and tapping role model for them.

What have you found works well when tapping with kids? What mistakes have you made from which you have learned? Click here to add your own thoughts and comments or read what others have to say. I would really love to know what you think!

How To Use EFT When A Problem Feels Too Big Or Too Painful To Tackle

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I want to use EFT to work on a major issue in my life, but somehow I always find an excuse not to do it. I know it will help me. I do want to get over this, but it just doesn’t happen. What can I do?


photo by (Erik)

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern when it comes to tapping on big issues. Certain people learn to use EFT, see the benefit of it in their lives, and yet still decide it’s not for them.

I was given new insight into this type of avoidance when I was tapping with a close friend “Sandy” recently.

Someone in Sandy’s life, who lived hundreds of miles away, had been hurt in a very violent physical attack.

Sandy was disappointed in herself for not being able to stop the attack from happening, she was sad about the attack, she was scared that her loved one wouldn’t seek the attention she needed out of fear, she felt helpless from such a great distance, and she worried that it would happen again. These were just a few of the emotions racing through her mind.

We agreed that I would come over to her place so that we could tap together. When I arrived at her home we talked about everything in the world… except what I had come for. This continued for almost an hour. Finally I asked, “Do you want to tap or not?”

I wasn’t frustrated or angry; I was giving her an out. Sometimes people feel safer having this type of conversation with a paid professional rather than a close friend.

She hemmed and hawed as she tried not to answer.

So I asked, “Why are you afraid to do the work?”

“Because it’s going to hurt. I know how raw my emotions are right now. I feel like I’ve let my loved one down. I don’t want to wander into that pain.”

All of that was fair. I asked her, “How large are all the emotions you’re feeling?” (This was for the emotions around her loved one plus the emotions around her fear of having to wade into the problem.)

With her hands she showed something about the size of a beach ball.

We did some work on her fear of what we might uncover and how much it would hurt to dive into the emotions around this incident. I then asked her how much emotion was left (in all areas). She indicated something about 30% of the size of the original.

This was a useful insight for me. She was more emotional about her reaction to the incident than she was about the incident itself.

Later, as I reflected on this, it brought to mind all of the people — me included — who avoid doing work in some area of our lives because we are afraid of what we’d uncover about ourselves.

The belief is, “The crap I know right now is better than the crap around the corner. Sure, my life isn’t perfect right now, but I can manage my present pain and disappointment. If I go looking to change my life, who knows what I’ll stir up.”

This is not an indictment for not wanting to look under the bed to see what’s really under there. The beauty of free will is that we choose who we want to be. There are outcomes and consequences to those choices. Our decision is to face or not face the ideas we have about ourselves and the world, that hold us back and determine whether or not our lives change.

In my own life I have found that in the long run it’s better to get out the flashlight and face whatever is hiding under the bed, no matter how scary it feels at the time.

Next Steps

When you are facing something that feels too big to tap on try tapping like this:

Right now I have a really big issue to tap on…I know the tapping for the issue will be helpful in the long term…but I am worried that if I tap for this issue it will be too much…I will uncover things I don’t want to experience…I will find painful past memories…I will have to relive it all over again…and I don’t want to do that…It is good that I am trying to take care of myself…It is good that I am trying to avoid the pain of reliving this…And I know that with tapping I don’t have to dive all the way into an issue to make a difference…I can spend a little time tapping on how I feel right now…without having to go all the way to the root…It might be better to go all the way to the root…but that can wait…Sometimes it is healthier for me to just do a little at a time…so that when I am ready to do the deep work I will already have cleared a path…I give myself permission to be easy with myself…I give myself permission to be easy with the healing process…Knowing I don’t have to do it all at once…Knowing that if I do a little at a time I can feel safe and still make progress.

Why Didn’t Surrogate EFT Stop The Cancer?

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In the newsletter a few weeks ago I shared the story of visiting my much too young friend as her body was losing its battle with cancer. (You can read the full story: With A Heavy Heart)

In addition to many heartfelt responses of concern to my note, I received a number of questions about what I did while she was sick tapping-wise, and how I felt after the fact. For clarity I have summarized the questions (with answers) below.

I would love to hear your thoughts on these questions in the comments below.

After spending what could be many hours of tapping for your friend and her condition, were you ever hopeful that they would overcome this partially or totally?

When I am tapping for someone else I am always working from the starting point that the only thing that I can truly change in the world is me. When I am tuned into what I think others are feeling or experiencing physically I am paying attention to how I am reacting to these thoughts. I am paying attention to any emotion I feel and any physical sensation that I am having. Those are the things I am tapping on.

At the same time I believe that we are all connected in some way. When I transform myself I transform the world. Did I think by tapping in this way that my friend would be cured? I was open to that possibility. I have seen many things come from tapping that in my limited experience I never would have thought were possible.

I have come to a place in my life where I am no longer surprised by grace. When things happen outside my expectation I just think, “Of course that is possible. How could my thinking been so limited?”

When I was tapping I had no expectation of what the outcome was going to be.

Since she wasn’t healed do you feel like you failed (and did you tap for that feeling of failure)?

The feelings of failure I felt were around missing opportunities to be close to my friend sooner. I am sure I am not alone in feeling regret in filling my life with things that in retrospect weren't nearly as important as being with friends and loved ones.

The only thought I had as I sat at the airport on Sunday night waiting to fly home was, “We need to do better for those we love sooner.”

Based on how things turned out, would you tap in the same fashion for someone else who might be in the same situation?

As far as tapping goes I don’t know if there is anything I would have done differently.

Even if the tapping I did wasn’t “effective” or wasn’t done “the right way” for the situation. I sat thinking loving and caring thoughts for a friend. Nothing bad can come from that.

Is it really possible to tap to change someone else’s life or is it really up to them and what they choose to think, do, and believe?

This is really the core question about surrogate tapping.

To be honest: I HAVE NO IDEA!

I know that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions impact the people around me. They are responsible for their own choices, but I know they will respond differently to me showing up in a state of love versus a state of fear. If I tap for myself I will respond to others differently, which will give them opportunities to respond differently to situations.

Every relationship I have is a co-creation. When I transform myself I am transforming the nature of my relationships. It is possible that when I am healing something in myself for me to hold space for someone else to believe new thoughts about themselves.

If I show up in a spirit of love I make it easier for someone else to choose to believe they are worthy of love. I don’t make that choice for them. I am not responsible for them making that choice. But I can make it easier for them.

In the end when I am tapping surrogately for someone what I am doing is spending time thinking loving thoughts about them (good!) and healing the emotions I am feeling (also good!). Whatever comes of that is still beyond my limited understanding of the universe.

Pod #94: How To Get The Most Out Of Self Directed Self Help And Self Directed EFT w/ Maggie Adkins

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I bet you are like me. Somewhere in your home or office there is a large pile of self-help books, cds, and dvds. In addition to this physical pile of resources there is a folder on your hard drive full of ebooks, pdfs, audios and interviews, also filled with amazing information…and you have never looked at over 90% of these resources

They looked enticing. They looked valuable. They looked like they would improve your life.

Somehow we never get around to using to them.

This is a common problem. (So much so, at one point in my notes this interview was entitled “Are you addicted to self-help resources?”)

In this interview I talk with EFT Master Maggie Adkins about how we can best do self-directed improvement work. The issue is not concerning having access to tools (we all have too many tools and resources), but instead about how we approach the process.

Maggie shares many practical ways to show us how we can take advantage of the materials we have, using them in a constructive way to ensure that we are moving forward and not just creating a pile of resources that are collecting dust.


Maggie Adkins

Guest: Maggie Adkins

Contact: web @ MaggieAdkins.com.au; email @ earthwomandreaming@bigpond.com;

About Maggie: Maggie is an EFT Founding Master and also now an AAMET Master Trainer of Trainers as well as a certified TBT (Trauma Buster Technique) practitioner. Maggie's full bio

Pod #93: Getting EFT Into Schools w/ Till Schilling

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When it comes to teaching tapping children are one of my favorite groups. They take to tapping right away because they don’t have many of the hang-ups adults do of needing to understand everything or concerns about looking foolish when they tap.

Like adults, when kids tap they become happier and healthier. One of the bonuses of teaching them to tap is we help them to clear issues whilst they are small, preventing them from growing into life-long issues.

In this interview I talk to Till Shilling about introducing kids to tapping and how to get into schools and classrooms.


Till Shilling

Guest: Till Schilling

Contact: web @ TillSchilling.com; twitter @tappybear

About Till: Till has studied with many of the masters of EFT including Gary Craig, Dr Patricia Carrington and others. He has actively supported the development of this methodology worldwide and has led trainings and workshops in Slovenia, Germany, Chile, Bolivia, Ecuador, the U.S. and Mexico.

Will Saying Negative Phrases While Doing EFT Manifest Bad Things In My Life?

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Q: I am worried that if I say negative phrases I will bring negative things into my life. How can I use EFT without having to use negative phrases?

I receive this question a lot. To answer it we need to look at what is happening when we are tapping and how the words we say impact our success while tapping.

It is important to remember that what we are saying is much less important than what we are feeling when we tap.

The words we say while tapping are not magic.

What is important is where our focus and attention is when we are tapping. If we say, “this pain in my knee…this pain in my knee…” over and over again when we tap but we are thinking about everything that needs to be done once we finish tapping, then the knee isn’t going to feel better.

It is not the words but the focus.

This plays itself out in some interesting ways when we say both positive and negative phrases. To understand this let’s look at a weight release example. Let’s say the client wants to lose 40 pounds but is stuck because of the fact he has failed before and is worried that he will lose the weight only to gain it back again.

Positive v Negative Phrases

There are two ways to approach tapping on this issue.

First, we could address the fear of losing weight only to gain it back again head on. We would tap saying something like:

I have failed before at losing weight…and I’m worried that I will fail again…every time I lose the weight it creeps back…this time will be different…not only do I have a plan to lose the weight…but I have a support system in place…to help me keep it off.

Second, we could decide that we are only going to tap on the positive:

I am going to lose weight…I am going keep the weight off…I am going to look awesome…I am going to feel so much better.

All of these statements are great things to be tapping on, but what is being said is not all that is going on. Every time one of those phrases is said out loud if there is any part of the system that doesn’t believe the phrase to be true, the critical voice will speak up to voice its objections. It might go something like this:

What is said out loud: I am going to lose weight.
What the internal critical voice says in response: And then gain it right back.

Out loud: I am going keep the weight off.
Critical voice: No you aren’t. You failed before and you will fail again.

Out loud: I am going to look awesome.
Critical voice: Only for a short period of time.

Out loud: I am going to feel so much better.
Critical voice: And then the weight will come back and you will feel like crap.

You can see that when we only focus only on the positive and there is a part of us that doesn’t believe the positive statement, the negative will show up.

The good news about this that it doesn’t matter if we use positive or negative phrases because either way we will find our way to tapping on the issues needing attention.

Which Should I Tap On?

The question becomes “Should I use positive or negative phrases while tapping?” For me, the answer is both.

If I recognize a specific limiting belief or block, like the fear of gaining the weight back, my tapping will be most effective if I go right at that issue.

At the same time when I state the goal I want to achieve in the positive I will find my way to self talk and limiting beliefs that I didn’t know existed.

I recommend when tapping to alternate between both positive and negative phrases so that you get both of these benefits.

Pod #92: Understanding and Using EFT For Trauma w/ Sophia Cayer

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People throw the word trauma around a lot and because of this it is easily misunderstood. Some people treat trauma too casually and end up trying to work on issues for which they aren’t trained. Others are too nervous of treating trauma and aren’t willing to tap on even the simplest of issues because they are worried about what they might uncover in the deepest recesses of their past.

This difficulty can be true for both practitioners and for people who are using tapping to work on their own.

The best way to approach trauma lies somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. In this interview with Sophia Cayer we explore what we really mean by the word trauma, how we are impacted by traumatic events, and how we work on them with tapping.

I personally found a number of the things we talked about in this interview surprising and very helpful for my own work.


Sophia Cayer

Guest: Sophia Cayer

Contact Sophia: web @ SophiaCayer.com; web @ PersonalPeaceFoundation.org

About Sophia Cayer: An EFT Founding Master, Sophia has been devoted to a full-time EFT practice and teaching EFT for more than 12 years. Specializing in trauma and abuse, she is well-known for her ability to resolve core issues and, with EFT, for helping clients to reshape their lives and gain a level of comfort with their new “norm”. For more than 22 years she has been dedicated to helping clients define and generate the solutions to resolve challenges and achieve their goals.

Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes

Self Sabotage: The Number One Issue I Use EFT For (And How I Get Past It)

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Good morning!

Don't you hate it when you get in your own way?

You know what you want, you know the right steps to take, and you just don't take action.

(And to make matters worse, you then beat yourself up for not doing what you need to do.)

I use EFT first and foremost for self sabotage.

Not only do I tap on self sabotage every day, it is the one thing that has made the most profound impact in my life.

I want to teach you how I deal with self sabotage.

I have created a 10 part “Getting Out Of Your Own Way: A Quick Start Guide” and I would like you to have it free of charge.

Here is how you can receive it.

If you sign up you will also receive the 10 part “Getting Out Of Your Own Way: A Quick Start Guide”.

Starting the day you sign up, you will receive an email every other day until you have all 10 parts.

This will not interrupt the regular emails I send to you. It is just an added bonus.

I Need Your Input

Since you have been around the block a few times with EFT I would really value your feedback. Let me know how the steps are working for you, what is going well, what needs improvement, and in which places you think I have completely lost my mind.

Just reply to any of the emails to let me know your thoughts.

Sign up now! I know you want to stop the self sabotage. Get started on knocking it out.

As always, let me know what I can do for you!

What To Do When You Feel Like You Have Stopped Moving Forward With An Issue

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My client was so frustrated!

We had been working on an issue for a number of sessions and he felt like we were dealing with the same issues, with the same complaints, with the same outcomes.

The truth was that he had made a lot of progress AND he was getting the same outcome.

When this happens it can be so frustrating because we have put in the work, we know we have healed many issues, but it doesn’t feel like it is bearing any fruit.

I’m Stuck In Quicksand!

Sometimes making progress feels like trying to get out of quicksand.

There is a huge difference between being in quicksand up to your neck and being in quicksand up to your knees. When you are in quicksand up to your neck you are only 10% free and when you are in up to your knees you are 75% free.

But there is a problem. Even though being in quicksand up to your knees is much better than being in quicksand up to your neck, you are still stuck.

The same thing can happen when we are working on a persistent issue. We can spend time (even a great deal of time) working on an issue. Although we have released a great deal around the issue we are still stuck because the part that is left continues to have a grip on us.

It is easy to feel discouraged and like we are failing in the healing process because we are not reaping the rewards of our progress. The good news is that it’s much easier to get out of quicksand when we are only up to our knees, and we truly are much closer to freedom and healing, but we may fail to notice this because we are focusing on still being stuck.

If you feel like you are spinning your wheels with your tapping here is a tapping script you can use:

I have been working on this issue for a very long time…I want to be free of this issue…I know tapping has worked for me in the past…and I want it to work now…the fact that I have done so much work…and not seen any real progress is frustrating…I feel like giving up on this issue…I feel like giving up on tapping…but I choose to know that tapping is a process…I know healing is a process…there are times when I will make progress with an issue…and still not be free of the issue…sometimes healing an issue is like getting out of quicksand…I can make progress when I am working my way towards freedom…but I am still stuck…it is possible to recognize that even when I am not completely free of an issue…I am closer to being free of the issue…with each round of tapping I become a little clearer…with each tapping session I become a little clearer…even if I am not completely out of the quicksand on this issue…I am more free than I was before…I am closer to being free of this…I give myself permission to keep moving forward…knowing that with each moment of healing I experience…I am that much closer to being free of this issue…it is ok that I get frustrated at the fact that it doesn’t feel like I am making progress…it is ok that I feel this isn’t working as fast as I would like…this is because there is a part of me that wants better…I am glad there is a part of me that wants better…and I want this part of me to keep working for better…as bit-by-bit I clear this issue.

Pod #91: The Most Forgotten & Most Powerful EFT Point – Gamut Point w/ Karin Davidson

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Did you know that healing from a tapping session can be spontaneously reversed?

It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens more often than you would think.

In this interview with Karin Davidson we explore the two factors which can bring about a total and instantaneous reversal of a tapping session, and how in three minutes this can be prevented.

We discuss the gamut point, which I think is one of the most powerful, but most forgotten tapping points, and its key role in preventing spontaneous reversal of the benefits of EFT.


Karin Davidson

Guest: Karin Davidson

Karin’s Contact Info: web @ HowToTap.com, web @ MatrixReimprintingUS.com

About Karin: Karin is a highly sought after speaker on using meridian tapping techniques for self help and helping others. She is certified hypnotherapist, a Reiki master, an EFT Trainer, the first Matrix Reimprinting Trainer in the USA, co-founder of the Meridian Tapping Techniques Association and co-author of the EFT Levels Comprehensive Training Resource coursebooks. Karin was a TV Producer and host who chose to use her award-winning talents to help spread tapping techniques to the world. Karin has videotaped and produced over 100 training DVDs for 28 of the 29 EFT Masters, EFT founder Gary Craig, TAT founder Tapas Fleming, Ask & Receive founder Sandi Radomski, The Secret's Bob Doyle and others. She helped develop the curriculum for EFT training for EFT Universe, MTT, and worked with the training team for AAMET. She also has a background in marketing and web design and is the webmaster for many well-known websites.

Here is the Gamut Point Guardian procedure we tap through in this audio in pdf form.

Tapping Ninja Video – Is Working With An EFT Practitioner Right For You?

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I recently received an email from Kevin in Ireland asking a number of really good questions about reaching out for help with an issue. Not everyone needs to be working with a practitioner.

Have you ever considered working with a practitioner?

Here are my thoughts on working with someone.

For a longer article on the topic check out: Working With An EFT Practitioner Is Not Right For Everyone. Is It Right For You?

Working With An EFT Practitioner Is Not Right For Everyone. Is It Right For You?

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photo by geek calendar

I recently received an email from Kevin in Ireland asking a number of really good questions about reaching out for help with an issue. Not everyone needs to be working with a practitioner.

Have you ever considered working with a practitioner?

Here are my thoughts on working with someone.

If tapping is such a ‘do it yourself’ protocol, why would I bother working with a practitioner?

There are a number of issues that tapping is great for where you can use it on your own without needing any help. As a practitioner I provide four things for my clients: distance, experience, expertise, and encouragement/accountability.

Distance: Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. When we are in the middle of something emotional it is very difficult to see it clearly. Because I am not experiencing the emotions being felt by my client myself, I can often see an issue more clearly. This is true for anyone we share with, not just practitioners. We can regularly find insight into what is going on in our lives by seeking the outside point of view of a trusted friend. Sometimes it is helpful to share this with people we don’t see frequently.

Experience: Having worked with many clients I recognize patterns and root causes that a client would not be able to see on their own. This experience allows me to help clients to move forward much more quickly than they would working alone.

Expertise: EFT is a very simple thing that be done by anyone. It is possible to use the basic recipe and tap on most issues. Even though this works, it is not always the fastest way to relief. With my my training I am able to combine tapping with many other tools that speed the healing process in a way a client could not do on their own.

Encouragement/Accountability: It is easy to feel overwhelmed by our own issues. They don’t feel good and the last thing we want is to stay stuck in the middle of them. Sometimes it is easier just to run and hide instead of engage. As a practitioner I help my clients to stay focused and support them as they are going through difficult issues, helping them to get to the other side.

Why should I pay so much money to someone I don’t know to work with them over the phone or Skype?

You need to be careful with any buying decision. I wouldn’t just pay anyone I found online to work with one-on-one. It is important that you are making the right choice for you.

Here are a few things I would consider before hiring anyone:

  • What type of training do they have?
  • How long have they been a practitioner?
  • Do they have experience with my particular issue?
  • Do they work with someone for their own issues?
  • Have they created resources that I can look at to gauge if they are a good fit for me?

It is easy to get answers to these questions. Just ask. Any practitioner worth their salt will happily provide answers.

You can also look at their website. What have they created? Does it fit with who you are and what you are looking for?

One of the main reasons that I have over 500 free resources on my website is so that potential clients can get a sense of who I am, what I believe, and how I work. For example, if you took a few minutes to “Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto” you would have a good idea if we were a good fit.

I couldn’t get EFT to work with my issue while tapping on my own. Is a practitioner going to guarantee me success?

The short answer is: NO.

Tapping is a wonderful tool that works for many things. Just because it is a wonderful tool that is easy and quick to use, it is not the best tool for every situation. (For example: If you have be stabbed, go to the emergency room. Don’t tap!)

Also, there are issues that tapping will not going to work for, or at least not in a timely way. Know that even when you work with someone who is very skilled with your issue success is still not guaranteed.

If you are going to work with someone it is advisable to ask them about the types of success they have with clients and with your particular issue.

Are there any professional associations for tapping where I can check on the certification of particular practitioners?

Right now there isn’t one centralized organization (even though many would claim to be). Tapping and EFT are relatively new and because of this there is no real standardization of training. Some trainings will give a certificate if you show up to all the classes, some will give a certificate if you pass a test after the class work, and some will give a certificate after class attendance, passing a test, and supervised work with clients.

When someone says they are a certified EFT practitioner it is important that you gain an understanding of what that really means.

Do You Still Have Questions Or Are Thinking Of Working With A Practitioner?

If you are interested in working with someone one-on-one to get past an issue that is holding you back but still aren’t sure, let me know. We can set up a free consultation to answer all your questions and relieve your fears. You might just need some encouragement or instruction to start heading in the right direction. You can reach me directly on the contact page.

EFT For Stress That Leads To Overeating

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photo by zigazou76

I was recently working with a client on the issue of mindless eating.

When I use the term “mindless eating” I mean any eating that we are doing without thinking “I would like to eat this right now”. This can include eating prompted by cravings, emotional eating, unconscious habitual eating, eating when we are not hungry and eating more than we intended.

Over the course of a one hour session we touched on lots of smaller issues which were all connected to what was behind the mindless eating. Below you will find a transcript of the tapping scripts we used during the session.

These transcripts do not constitute the entire session. It just the tapping phrases between the conversation investigation.

Please let me know if you find these types of scripts helpful and if you would like me to do something like this again in the future. If you would like to work with me one-on-one visit WorkWithGene.com for details.

I Can’t Stop! I Must Stop!

Sometimes we find ourselves being pulled in two different directions. One part of us wants us to stop and another part must keep making the same bad choice again and again. Here we tapped for the inner conflict:

There’s a part of me that just keeps reaching for food…It’s almost something I can’t control…Even when I’m doing that, I know I shouldn’t be doing it…There’s a part of me that just can’t stop…There’s this odd dichotomy in it…There’s a part of me that knows it’s a bad choice…There’s a part of me that knows that I don’t enjoy it…There’s a part of me that knows that I’m just going to feel gross afterwards…Even as I’m moving the bread to my mouth, I can say, “This is really bad choice.”…There’s a part of me that still makes that choice…It thinks it’s the best…Something in the short term to make me feel better…To distract me from the things I don’t want to do…To give me something to do so I’m not bored…To fill some space that feels empty…And all of those are good things to want…This is just the absolute wrong way to do it…And I know it’s the wrong way to do it…While I’m doing it I know it’s the wrong way to do it…And it just stinks when I’m doing it…Because I know it’s not what I want…But there’s a part of me that just doesn’t get that…It’s stuck in the old ways…It’s more than stuck in the old ways…Almost as if the old way is all there is…And it can’t see any other alternative…And I appreciate the fact that it wants me to be healthier…And I appreciate the fact it wants me to feel comfortable…But this has nothing to do with being healthy…In the long term…It’s filling up some small need…I appreciate the fact it’s trying to do something…But it needs to be something that’s healthier.

I Always Need To Be Doing Something

We live in a world where we are always doing something, sometimes even multi-tasking. We don’t deal with idle time well. Sometime we just have to do something, even if it is mindless eating, to fill that time. Here we tapped for eating to fill idle time.

There’s a part of me that knows I need to be doing something…That I should never be doing nothing…That I need to be moving forward…And I need to be productive…There are things that need to be done…And I don’t want to do them…So I just choose to do something…So I’m productive…So I’m filling the time…So I’m doing something…I have a clear idea of what needs to get done…I could tell you the ten things I need to get done very soon…And when I’m really stressed…The last thing I wanna do…Is fight with some task…And add more stress…And I don’t wanna sit still…And just do it and not being stressed…So it makes perfect sense…That a part of me…Is going to wanna move away from being stressed…And move away from the things I don’t wanna do…It would be one thing to take a vacation…Because I’m choosing to leave things behind…And I’m planning for it…And it’s another thing to be idle…I know things need to get done…I give myself permission to know…I’m allowed to take little mini vacations…During my day…Even if it’s just for five or 10 minutes…Where I step away from the task…And I step away from the stress…And I don’t have to choose something to fill that space…If I do choose to fill that space…I wanna choose something healthy…Like a little fresh air…Or to tap a little bit…But I choose to know…I recognize the fact…My system is just trying to avoid that gross stress…And I don’t blame it for doing that…Because it’s no fun just being stressed.

I Don’t Have To Do Everything On My To-Do List At Once

There is a lot that we need to get done on any given day. Each of these tasks are manageable, but if we look at everything at once it can feel very overwhelming. Here we tapped to help relieve the feeling of overwhelm.

I recognize there’s a lot that needs to get done…But it doesn’t need to get done all at once…That it’s good to appreciate all the work that needs to happen…But if I put myself in a space…Where I think it emotionally needs to be done all at once…Of course it’s going to feel overwhelming…If something is going to take multiple hours…And I think about it all right now…Of course it’s going to be overwhelming…I give myself permission…To focus on these things one at a time…And only worry about one of the things that I’m going to do right now…I can be aware of the other tasks that need to be done…But I can give myself permission…To be in a circumstance where I don’t have to do them all at once…If I take them one at a time…They’re less big…And they’re much more manageable…None of the tasks are super hard…They’re just impossible to do them all at once.

There Is Just So Much To Do

There are time where there is just too much. Even when we break it down into small steps if feels like to much. Here we tapped for dealing with too much to do.

Just repeat after me. There’s so much that needs to get done…There’s stuff that needs to get done for work…There’s stuff that needs to get done to help the family…There’s stuff that needs to get done for me…And with a full house, it seems like it’s all happening at once…And those quiet moments are few and far between…And it feels like I have to get everything done in that short amount of time…Because I know what happens when these things don’t get done…And each day it’s a different task…Or a different list of tasks…And a whole bunch of outcomes that could happen from that…And I’m really worried they’re not all going to get done…And I really don’t wanna have to deal with when they don’t all get done…Because I can see what can go wrong…I can see it really clearly…And I don’t want to be caught in the middle of that…And I just get overwhelmed…Because I wanna do it all at once…Because I need it all done…I don’t wanna deal with all those other things…But I choose to know…If I do each task one at a time…If I don’t try and bite off too much all at once…It’s possible for me…To get everything done….And be okay with getting everything done…And I can feel the resistance inside of me…When I’d make a simple statement like that…Because it just never feels like it’s all going to get done…Every single time something gets crossed off the list…It feels like four more things had been added…And I always feel like I’m behind…Which means I’m always going to feel overwhelmed…And as long as I feel overwhelmed…It’s really easy to make poor eating choices.

I Don’t Trust Myself To Take Short Breaks

It is good to take breaks throughout the day so that we can stay sharp. The problem with taking a short break is it can quickly turn into spending 90 minutes on facebook or cleaning up the living room. Here we tapped for not being able to trust ourselves to take a short break.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t trust me…That if I go and take a little bitty break…It’s going to turn into a giant break…It’s going to go from releasing a little stress…To being another avoidance technique…It won’t be that I’m blowing off steam…It’ll be that I’m just escaping…It’s really no different than eating a bunch of bread…I’m just filling time with something…So I don’t have to face the tasks at hand…So it’s really important…I find a way to manage my day…Where I understand that it’s achievable and doable…That I carve out specific times to take care of myself…And I create boundaries to make sure that they don’t bleed over and take over the day…It’s good to release some steam…And let go of the overwhelm…But it doesn’t do me any good…If I end up wasting an hour and a half…Because that’s just going to make the day much worse…Because I’m going to be even farther behind…So I need to find a way…To keep myself accountable…That isn’t going to take the whole day…Because all of a sudden eating makes more sense…All of a sudden eating makes more sense…Because I can’t get lost to it for an hour and a half…But there’s a physical limitation that I could eat…Even when I’m eating mindlessly…There’s a stop point…So it becomes a good distraction…And it doesn’t consume 90 minutes…So it’s really important I find a way…To be able to release the stress…To be able to take care of myself…And do it in a way that allows me to still be productive…Without getting distracted.

Not Doing Anything Makes It Worse

There are times that when we take a break to think about what is going on it becomes very easy to be overwhelmed with every thing. In these cases it makes sense that we are going to do something to discract ourselves. In this case we tapped for needing to do anything to block out the stress of what needs to be done.

It makes sense that if I’m not doing work…That the pile is going to get deeper and deeper…But it’s possible for me to work…It’s possible for me to work…In a more efficient way…When I’m sitting really idle…Not only am I not getting anything done…It’s also really easy…To recognize all the things that aren’t done…And that makes the feeling even worse…So the goal is not to be stuck in an idle place…And not to be stuck in an overwhelmed place…Because when I’m really overwhelmed…I’m going to make choices that are me trying to escape…Me trying to escape…And when I feel really idle…I’m going to recognize all that needs to get done…And feel even more overwhelmed…And want to escape again…So the goal is…To put myself in a circumstance…Where I’m doing the things that need to get done…But I’m not getting caught in all of them at once…Because if I take the task one at a time…Each task is going to be manageable…In which each task is manageable…It’s going to get done as quickly as possible…And I can move on to the next thing…And that will make a more peaceful process…I feel less stressed…And I’ll get everything done…And I won’t have to escape…Because I’m going to be efficient…And things aren’t going to be building up…And I’m not going to be overwhelmed…Because I’m not doing everything all at once…

I Can’t Control Everything

It is one thing to have control over the choices we are making. That is manageable. What is hard is the fact that there are things we don’t control that can add stress to out live. Here we tapped for being overwhelmed and stressed by the things we can’t control.

And that makes it hard…To get everything done I wanna get done…Because as new things show up…It makes things get harder…When things show up…That feel like they specifically make it more complicated…Which makes it really easy to get overwhelmed…But I choose to know…That the less stressed I am…That the less overwhelmed that I am…The easier it is to respond…When unexpected things show up… Because often times unexpected things show up…And I deal with them with no problem…And I don’t remember those times…Because they didn’t cause me a problem…I only remember…The times that things show up…That are overwhelming…Or too much…And the more calm I get…The more I take tasks one at a time….The less overwhelmed I become…So even when unexpected shows up…It’s easier for me to respond…Because it’s not too much.

If I Could Just Get A Little Organized

Most of the time, no one thing causes us stress. Most of the time it is a combination of many things stacking up. When we are able to get organized then the small things are less likely to get stacked up. He we tap on getting organized.

I always feel like I’m trying to catch up…I always feel like I’m behind…And when I’m behind, it means I have to hurry…That I don’t do as good a job as I’d like…That just adds more stress and anxiety…That adds more overwhelm…Which adds more to the desire to escape…I choose to know…It’s important that I get my time organized…It doesn’t have to be organized perfectly…I don’t have to schedule every second of the day but I know when I make the time to organize…Even though that takes time…It pays off in the long term…And I – it’s important that I invest that time…And the more times that I invest that time…The more organized I get…And the less time I have to spend organizing…And the easier it is to get organized…And I just need to step into that space…To give myself permission to spend the time it takes…To get organized…Because if I don’t take the time to set it up right…It take time to do it over again…Which I don’t have…Which adds to the overwhelm…Which adds to the needing to escape.

Little Changes Add Up

Sometimes the change we make happens in lots of small steps. It becomes very easy to feel like progress is not happening in small steps because the change is hardly noticeable. Here we tap for recognizing that small steps add up to big things.

There’s lots of ways that I can reduce stress…Because there’s lots of things that cause stress…. So it’s not that I have to do one thing to eliminate all the stress…It’s not that I have to do one thing to stop the eating…Each thing that I do…That chips away at the stress…Makes it so I have to escape less…Which means I’m going to do the eating less…And there’s lots of things I can do…That start to reduce the stress…One of them is getting a little more organized… But that’s not the only thing…That’s not the lynch pin… It’s just one more thing…And I give myself permission to know…That as I keep chipping away at this…And make transformation to lots of little bits…It’s going to make a difference…And it’s short and long term…And I’m going to do this eating less and less…And it’s going to slowly fade away… It’s not, I have to change and fix everything…Which creates an immediate stop…Instead it’s slowly chipping away…And lots of little easy steps…That leads to the whole thing being transformed…Transformed in a lasting way…I give myself permission…To recognize that I can have progress…Without have to fixing all of it…And without having to fix one part completely…But doing it step by step.

There Is Always Going To Be Stress

Stress is a fact of life. It is always going to be there, but it is not always going to be there in the same amount. We need to recognize that we have some control over the amount of stress in our lives. Here we tap for knowing that we can control some of the stress in our lives.

It feels like stress is inevitable… There are things that are going to catch me off guard… And there are things that are going to feel overwhelming… But most of the time when I feel stressed…It’s because lots of things have been combined together… But most of those things….Are really big deal by themselves…what we’re trying to do…Is move to the place… Where the small things don’t add up into big stress… So that the times when real stress shows up… We can take those choices…They are the quick fix… It’s not that big of a deal if once a month I have a little bread when I feel stressed…It is a big deal if I’m doing it every single day…There are going to be times of stress…There’s going to times of overwhelm… But that isn’t something I have to experience every single day… I can put myself in a position… Where I manage the stress in such a way…The feelings of overwhelm… The feelings of too much…Are few and far between…And when that happens…That I can respond to that stress in lots of ways…But I don’t have to make those choices… Every single day… If I don’t feel stressed and overwhelmed every single day…

This Habit Is Never Going To Change

There are times when we change the underlying issue but the habit persists because it has been the way we have operated for so long. Here we tap for changing old habits that have been here forever.

There’s a part of me that sees this as a habit… The choice I’m always going to make… The choice that I make every single time… And part of the work that needs to happen…Is enrooting this as the choice I make every single time… It’s almost as if…I’m pulling out the big guns…To deal with a little bitty mosquito…Because that’s the tool I always use… And each time I make a choice… Where I don’t reach for the food… When I’m feeling a little stressed…I’m reinforcing… And making it easier…For me to make good choices in the future…I wanna do things to reduce my stress…And I wanna do things where I’m making better choices when I am stressed… I wanna make good choices for the long term… And I wanna make good choices that are proportional… Where I’m choosing a response…In an appropriate way… Based on how big the stress is…And that’s something that’ll happen step by step…Because when I feel less stressed…There will be less moments where I need to let go the stress… And each time I make a better choice… I’m going to put myself in a position where I reinforce that

The Old Choices Seem To Be The Easiest

Sometimes our old habits are what we choose because they are so easy. Eating is much easier than taking a short walk or taking time to tap. Here we tap for knowing that it is possible choose the slightly harder response because it has lasting benefits.

Food feels like the easiest choice… Because it’s always at hand… Because it’s so effective… In muting the stress feeling…And it takes so little effort… For it to work…I don’t have to do any tapping…I don’t have to go for a walk…I can keep doing what I’m doing most times… And eat at the same time… Or scarf it down really, really quick… So it doesn’t take a lot of effort…And it doesn’t take a lot of time… So it makes lots of sense…That that’s what I keep reaching for…But I choose to know… It’s important that I make good long term choices… As well as good short term choices… And I need to break the habit…Of reaching for the easiest thing… And that takes little work…That takes a little planning…That takes knowing what I would choose otherwise…And spending the energy… To make the right good choice… And that’s work… And that’s no fun…But I’d rather make… Good long term choices…Than the easy choice…That isn’t good for the long term…And if I have a plan of attack… And if I look out for these things coming… It’s going to be a little easier… To make a good choice…In the moment… Which is going to create a circumstance…Where I have a habit…Of making lasting good choices…

Pod #90: EFT To Quiet The Inner Critic w/ Judy Byrne

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Do you have a good relationship with your inner critic?

Very few people answer that question in a positive way because to most of us it is nothing more than a “critic”. It is always there waiting to pounce, waiting to point out everything we have done wrong, everything we have missed, and everything we will do wrong in the future.

Did you know that this inner voice exists to be helpful?

No, really, it is!

Our inner voice is always on guard, looking out for danger and things that will get in the way of what we want and need. The problem is that for most of us is it working too hard.

In this conversation with Judy Byrne we talk about how the critical voice came to be so critical and how we can transform it from being a giant nag into something that is very helpful.

 

Judy Byrne

Guest: Judy Byrne EFT Master

Contact: email @ hello@eftjudybyrne.website; web @ JudyByrne.co.uk

About Judy: Judy Byrne is a therapist, trainer, international speaker and author based in Rockhampton, Queensland, Australia. She is qualified in psychology, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Tapas Acupressure Technique (TAT), and did her advanced EFT training in a small group with Gary Craig. She is an EFT Founding Master. Judy has studied the use of Mindfulness in therapy and finds she increasingly incorporates it into her approach.

Judy has two particular EFT passions. One is teaching it to other people, either to use for themselves and/or to incorporate it into their therapy work. The other is using it with clients to process trauma at all levels from the small, “everyday” trauma from which we all form our relationships with ourselves, all the way up to major life-threatening events.

9 Websites, Newsletters And Podcasts That I Always Read AND You Should Too!

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While writing the first draft of this article I typed “EFT” into Google and it returned 49,600,000 results. When there is that much information it is really hard to find what is useful.

I read everything I can get my hands on because I am always trying to learn and always on the lookout for guest posts and podcast guests. Even with this desire to read it all, there are times that I have too much on my plate and can’t get through everything. When this happens I need to make choices about what will get my time and attention.

Here is a list of 9 online resources where I read or listen to everything they produce, even if I am busy. If you are are not already reading some of these then you are missing out on great opportunities to learn.

Note: These are not affiliate links. I am not getting anything from sharing these. I just want you to find the good stuff!

Deborah Miller’s Newsletter – Deborah is probably best known for her work with children with cancer. She has a wonderful newsletter from which I have re-published many of her articles. To subscribe scroll down to the bottom of this page: FindTheLightWithin.com
Karen Nueman’s Newsletter – Sadly Karen passed away in Feb. 2013. She is greatly missed!
Practical Wellbeing – Practical Wellbeing is written by England based practitioner Andy Hunt. One mistake I think a lot of sites make is that they produce lots of very average material. Andy puts up a new article every few weeks which is always thoughtful, well-written, and informative. PracticalWellbeing.com
Sarah Holland Twitter Feed – Sarah is a practitioner who specializes in fertility issues. Her Twitter feed is often filled with great framing questions as well as awesome set-up phrases to tap to, all in 140 characters. Find her (even if you don’t have Twitter) @SarahEFT
You Are Not So Smart – The motto of You Are Not So Smart is “A Celebration of Self Delusion”. In each article and podcast David McRaney looks at a new piece of research about the mind in an irreverent and funny way to see how delusional we are about the way we see ourselves and the world. There are many things from this site that have transformed the way I work with clients and how I do my own tapping work. Articles and podcast: YouAreNotSoSmart.com
PsyBlog – Jeremy Dean’s PsyBlog is devoted to the most recent interesting (!) developments in psychology. When working with clients it is really important to understand where people are coming from and why they make the choices they make. As a bonus Jeremy also shares offbeat studies that will make you smile even if you don’t learn anything new. Read more: Spring.org.uk
Radiolab – Radiolab is the happy marriage of science, art, day-to-day life, and the choices we make. I always learn something from Radiolab. The show has transformed my understanding of how the brain works and how scientific concepts meet daily life. If I were to create a university degree program I would want this show to be in the core curriculum. Radio show and podcast home: Radiolab.org
Marc and Angel Hack Life – I am not the biggest fan of the self-help industry (though it would be very easy to argue I am part of it). I am suspicious of platitudes and affirmations. Marc and Angel Hack Life is a total revelation in the self-help blog world. Each post is to the point and immediately useful. I have written many tapping scripts inspired by their work and point of view. Website: MarcAndAngel.com
Get Bullish – Jen Dziura writes two weekly columns for the b5media network of blogs. It is best described as life and career advice for kick-ass women. Jen doesn’t pull punches, doesn’t get caught up in fluffy cuteness, and is all about moving forward. Transformation work is about being able to level with yourself about what is really going on. Whether you want to or not, Jen is going to make you do that. Jen’s work can be found at Bullish and Bullish Life

(PS: Be warned, at some point Jen is probably going to make fun of part of your world view, tip a sacred cow, or mock someone you think is a guru. I’m sure she would make fun of my point of view from time-to-time. You don’t have to agree with everything she says, but she will challenge you to see your world and choices in new ways.)

What Are You Reading?

I am always on the lookout for great resources. Please add the stuff you can’t wait to read or listen to in the comment section.