Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Physical Therapy/Range of Motion

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After an accident I have had physical therapy and I’m doing better. As part of my therapy I am supposed to do sit-ups/leg raises, but the strain on my lower back is too much and the next day I can barely stand up or bend over. I know as I do more therapy it will get better, but I was wondering if I could use EFT to do the sit-ups/leg raises to build my muscles?


photo by Matthew Fang

Here is a similar experience I had with a client which I think will shed light on what you’re doing. I was working with a dancer who had a hip injury and was having trouble doing a turning dance move.

I had her visualize herself doing the move. I then asked her how much of the move she was doing. 100% was the move at full speed and flawless. Anything less than full speed or full movement was rated less than that. We then tapped on the aspect of the trouble she was having. These ranged from feeling too stiff in the visualization to worrying that the move was too fast and she was going to fall. We tapped on whatever was short of 100%. Then she visualized herself doing the move again. We repeated the process until she got to 100%.

She was then able to repeat the process on her own, but she didn’t need to do this many times as the hip issues went away very quickly after we started doing this work.

I would have you do a similar visualization. Imagine you are doing the sit-ups/leg raises. Tune in to how easy or hard it is for you. What are the worries you have about doing the exercise? Is it going to hurt, take too long, or ache in the morning? Then tap on these issues.

[Note: This question came in a few weeks ago.  I answered the question directly and this is part of the e-mail received back.

After a week of tapping and visualizations I am able to reach to my knees — which is more than I've been able to do in almost one year. My stretches aren't painful and (oddly or not) the soreness that should be there due to inactivity is far far less. Say a 5 on a scale of 1-10, ten being I'm not moving out of this bed, heating pad or not. Thanks again!]

How long to tap, how many session to tap, getting 100% clear

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How long should I use EFT on an issue? Is it important that I tap on an issue until it is 100% clear? How many sessions should I work on the same issue?

There are a number of things to consider when approaching these questions. Let’s take these questions one at a time.

How Much Work In One Session?

When it comes to how long to tap in one session it is good let our bodies be our guide. When tapping we are doing energy work. We’re clearing energetic blocks, causing energy to move around and through the body. This can be draining. Typically people can tap for about an hour before they need to take a break, but if you’re working on something very emotional, you might need to tap for less time to avoid a state of exhaustion.

Each person is going to react to EFT in a different way. I have clients who will have lots of energy one minute and the next minute they are completely exhausted. Other clients will slowly become more and more tired. Listen to your body. It will tell you when you need to stop.

As a side note, if you do find yourself particularly tired after a tapping session, make sure that you keep your system hydrated. When your body is tired you know you’ve moved a lot of energy, and water is essential for your body to re-energizing.

Do I need to get 100% clear?

The amount of time you should spend tapping on an issue is going to depend on your purpose. Let’s look at the examples of killing a craving and getting over the fear of public speaking to examine the different objectives we can have with tapping.

When I deal with a craving my goal is not necessarily to be completely free of the craving, but to be free to make a good choice. My comfort food is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I often crave them at about 9:30 p.m. as I’m getting ready for bed. The craving peaks at about an 8 on the SUDs scale. My goal is to be sure I can make good choices about what I eat. Just one or two rounds of tapping reduces my craving to a 1 or 2. The craving still exists, but I won’t give in to a craving that weak.

Again, my goal was not to eat the candy. Therefore I’ve reached that goal. Because I am going to easily make the choice I want to make, I don’t need to do any more tapping.

In comparison, when I’ll be speaking in public my goal is to be anxiety-free when I speak so I can do my absolute best. It is 10 minutes before I am to step to the microphone and my level of anxiety is at an 8 on the SUDs scale. After a few round of tapping my anxiety is down to a 2, but it’s still there. Since my goal is to be completely free of anxiety and I am still at a 2, I’ll keep tapping until I’m at 0.

Ultimately, the goal of EFT is to feel or act differently. Sometimes this will require us to be completely 100% clear to make that change. There are going to be other times where we don’t need a 100% clearance to change our state or choices.

I’ve been working on pain management with a client. For her it’s enough to get the chronic headache that is a 7 or 8 down to a 2 or 3. At that level it’s a manageable amount of pain because she no longer feels it all the time.

How many sessions do I need to tap on one issue?

Again, this is going to depend on the issue and your goal for that issue.

The rule of thumb I use is, “Keep coming back until you know it’s gone.”

The issue we’re working on can have varied and deep roots. Just because we feel clear on an issue after one session doesn’t mean it’s gone for good. Instead we may have just cleared enough for this moment. When it comes to working on big issues (self-esteem, trauma, chronic pain) it will normally take a number of sessions.

Any issue worth spending time on is also worth coming back to until you’re sure it’s gone. This is one of the reasons I encourage my clients to take notes when they tap. When you have notes on the issues you’ve worked on and the phrases you’ve used, you know you can come back to it and be sure it’s cleared.

I would keep revisiting an issue until you can revisit three separate times with no reaction at all.

Summary

Remember, there are no cut and dried rules for how much and how long you should tap on a specific issue. The most important thing to understand is why you want to clear the issue. When you know why you are doing the work, then you can more accurately gauge when you’re ready to move on to something else.

Facts of the Situation v. Emotions We Feel – AKA – I don’t know what to say (Part 5)

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I’m very effective at using EFT for physical pain and small frustrations, but when it comes to the big emotional issues, I just don’t know where to start. I tap on all of the issues and emotions I can think of, but it doesn’t feel like I’m making any progress. Is there a way that I can break down an issue so it’s more manageable?

One of the reasons I love Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) so much is because it is very effective at dealing with the emotions we feel, right as we are feeling them. However, when we are feeling an unpleasant emotion deeply, we are less likely to have the presence of mind to do EFT. If we do have the presence of mind to tap, we are so emotionally wrapped up in those feelings, we struggle to see clearly what is happening.

One of the main reasons we take our problems to friends, family members, therapists, and counselors is to gain some objective perspective. Someone who is not as emotionally involved as we are will be able to help us see the forest from the trees. They are able to help us see past our emotional blind spots.

Unfortunately, we don’t always have an external sounding board to help us gain perspective. When I’m in this situation I take the following steps.

First, I gain a little space and distance form the emotions I’m feeling. Emotions are very like a snowball rolling down a hill. The more we engage and feel the emotions, the more the emotions tend to build. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths to gain a little space. Sometimes I do a round or two of tapping where I tune into nothing more than what I feel in my body. I notice any strain or pain. I tap this away. I find that when I relax my physical body, I also relax my emotional state, giving me a clearer head to assess what I’m dealing with.

The second step is the most difficult. In this step I separate the facts as I perceive them from the assumptions I am making in light of these facts, and the emotions I feel about these facts. This is very difficult because of the way we process information. The genius of our brain is its ability to take a small number of facts and fill in the rest of the picture. Because of this we are able to quickly assess new situations and respond to them. To do this we make assumptions. This can be problematic if we make wrong assumptions or if we treat our assumptions as facts. Here is an example, to make this easier to understand.

One of my clients, “Linda”, has a very trying relationship with her father. For the first time in months he e-mailed her out of the blue. The e-mail was eighteen words long, asking how she was doing. As Linda described the e-mail she said, “When my father sent me an e-mail attacking me I felt…” Nowhere in the e-mail was there an attack, but Linda had read the e-mail as, “You’re only asking me how I’m doing because you think I’m doing poorly and I need your help. I told you that you couldn’t do this on your own.” In Linda’s mind it was a fact that the e-mail was an attack.

It is very possible in this case that Linda’s assumptions are 100% true. It is possible that Linda’s father had sent her this e-mail in a very passive-aggressive fashion. But we don’t know that for sure.

In this case the only thing we can treat as fact is that her father sent her an e-mail eighteen words long, asking how she is. Everything else is an assumption.

When we take the time to break down a circumstance like this we find that in most cases our emotional response is to the assumptions we’ve made. We are not responding to the facts; we are instead responding to our assumptions about the motivations of the actors who created the facts.

Remember, our minds are built to fill in the gaps to make the circumstance easier to understand. As we can see, this can create problems. To gain clarity we need to separate the facts from the assumptions. As hard as this step is, there is a very simple way to do this.
The assumptions we make when it comes to others are generally about motivation. We take the facts of another’s actions, i.e., sending an e-mail, and we try to read the other person’s mind to assign a motivation as to why they took a certain action.

We get ourselves into emotional trouble when we start assigning motivations to other people’s actions. We have feelings such as hurt, anger and suspicion to protect us. They motivate us to stand up for ourselves or leave. But these emotions take a toll when we have them at times that we don’t need to have them. This happens most often when we assign motivation for other’s actions.

The third step is to start clearing the emotions that have arisen because of the assumptions and motivations we’ve assigned to the circumstance. Here is another example to help illustrate.

Let’s suppose that a husband spends hours cooking a special dinner for his wife. Three hours after their appointed meeting time she is still not home. She hasn’t called and isn’t answering her cell phone. As each moment passes he gets more and more angry because once again she has chosen her career over time for them to be together.

Now it is possible that she had a flat tire on the way home and her cell phone isn’t working. It is also possible that she really does value her career over time together. But it does him no good to get into a lather until he knows the facts. If he can take a few breaths and separate the facts from the assumptions he’s making, he’s more likely to have better emotional balance. He will be able to tap his anger away by looking at multiple points of view.

The common struggle my clients have at a time like this is coming up with the phrases to say. There is a very easy formula.

1) Tap on all of the self-talk that is going on in your head.
As your emotions build, there is a running commentary of what you’re thinking. Tap and say these thoughts out loud.

2) What would you say to the person if they were standing before you right now?
What would you accuse them of? Are they selfish, mean, inconsiderate, using you? Tap on the phrase, “They are so [insert adjective] and it makes me feel [your emotion]”

3) As hard as it is, give them the benefit of the doubt.
Tap on all of the possible reasons that things are happening as they are. Tap on the best possible reason why this is happening. This is called reframing. Assume the best for now. If the facts prove otherwise then you can take the appropriate action, but save your emotional energy until that time. It might look something like this:

I am really angry she didn’t show up on time…I worked really hard on this meal…My work isn’t appreciated…Whenever I do something nice it turns out like this…Her career always comes first…She is so selfish, and it makes me feel worthless…She only cares about herself, and it makes me feel like I’m wasting my time…But I choose to recognize that I don’t know why she’s late…There might be a problem I don’t know about…If she is choosing her career over time together I have the right to be mad and we will need to talk about that…But I give myself permission not to be mad until I know the facts of the circumstance…I love my wife. and I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt until I know the facts.

In summary the process is very simple:

  • Take a deep breath, literally and figuratively. Take a step back to get a clear head. It’s going to be very hard to tap on any emotion when you’re so engaged in that emotion it’s all you can think of. Don’t stop counting at ten, count to one hundred or one thousand.
  • Once you have created a little space, assess what is really going on. Name the facts of the situation, and identify the assumptions you ‘ve made that you are treating as facts. Look especially for the assumed motivations. We get ourselves in the most trouble when we create motivations for others.
  • Tap on how you feel, why you feel that way, and on the other possible reasons and motivations for what’s going on.

Why do I have to tap? (part 3 of 3)

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Why is it that fretting, stewing, or worrying about an issue consciously doesn’t dissolve the emotions, but tapping while expressing it does?


photo by Mike

In part one of this series we looked at how the human mind creates models of information from our experiences which enable us to quickly assess the situation we are in. We also looked at the way these inaccurate and/or incomplete models can cause us problems. In part two of this series we looked at how Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can be used to update and change these models to be more accurate and therefore serve us better.

In this third part of the series we are going to look at how our disposition affects our ability to use EFT to change these models. At the end of part two we showed that EFT is a mechanical process. If EFT is done correctly it will work. It does not require you to believe that EFT will work, and it does not require you to have the intention for healing to happen.

But there are two ideas that must be kept in mind for the statements of the last paragraph to be true and for EFT to be an effective tool in our lives.

First, EFT must be done correctly. When I say “done correctly” I’m not merely talking about the mechanics of the tapping on the body or saying the reminder phrase just perfectly. Yes, it is important that we tap on the right points, but we can only say that we are doing EFT correctly when we are pulling the emotion or model into our energy system so we can work on it. Simply saying a phrase out loud does not guarantee that we have brought the emotion into focus.

I can say “This pain in my neck. This pain in my neck. This pain in my neck.” and be thinking about what I want to have for dinner tonight. It might appear that I’m doing EFT correctly, but in reality I’m just going through the motions.

This cannot be stressed enough, especially to those who are just starting with EFT. The words we use are not magic. They don’t have to be prefect. They don’t have to be said in just one way. The phrases we say are only important in the way they help us to stay tuned in to our problem.

When a client is crying (having a SUDs level of 9 or 10) we don’t need to say anything out loud. They are completely tuned into the issue. As the issue comes down, we will then start using the phrases to make sure the client stays focused on the issue.
EFT is a mechanical process that works — “when we do it correctly.”

Second, if we believe EFT works we are more likely to DO it than if we don’t believe.

This is really common sense. It could be 100% true that if you stand on one leg for 23 minutes a night humming “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” that you are going to find your true love. There is no way I am going to believe it. So it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, because it will have no effect on my life. My belief doesn’t determine whether this action works, but my disbelief is going to prevent me from trying it. In this case it won’t work, because it doesn’t work for me.

EFT is no different. If you don’t believe it will make a difference in your life, you are much less likely to do it. This is the only way belief can affect EFT’s effectiveness. We will be more willing to try it when we are around people who believe in its effectiveness. We might even try it from time to time on our own, but as soon as we find some resistance or the moment the one-minute miracles stop, that is the moment we will stop using EFT.

EFT is a very powerful tool:

  • which works regardless of whether we believe in it or not
  • which we won’t use unless we believe in it, therefore our belief will determine if it is effective in our lives

Why do I have to tap? (part 1 of 3)
Why do I have to tap? (part 2 of 3)

Why do I have to tap? (part 2 of 3)

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Why is it that fretting, stewing, or worrying about an issue consciously doesn’t dissolve the emotions, but tapping while expressing it does?


photo by Sacha Fernandez

In part one of this series we looked at how models of information work. We looked at how these models of information serve us, making it easier for us to function in the world.

We also saw that there can be negative consequences when these models are inaccurate or incomplete.
In the last part of this series we demonstrated how these inaccurate models can be detrimental by looking at a fear of mice where a past experience contains the model that mice are very dangerous and that when we encounter them we must escape.

Now let’s take a look at how we use EFT to change these inaccurate models.

Changing Models with EFT
If I were to use EFT to work with my fear of mice the first step is to tune in to my fear of mice. I could just picture a mouse running under my chair and my heart would start to race. When I tune in to an issue, I am accessing a model of information. I think, “mouse under my chair,” and the model is applied. This is what we do when we are worrying about some issue. We are just accessing the models we hold. But, we aren’t making any changes to the model itself. When we access the model in the future we will have the same feelings.

The next step in EFT is to start tapping on the issue. According to the theory of EFT, when we are thinking a thought that is not in line with health and well-being, the energy system of the body is in some way out of balance or disrupted. Every time we apply an inaccurate model to a scenario we are creating this state of energetic imbalance. By tapping we are bringing the system back to balance. This is the reason we feel better about the issue after tapping.

The amazing part of EFT is that we bring the energy system back into balance as we tap, and we also make a change to the model. We are taking the inaccurate information in the model, and we are replacing it with information of health and well-being.

By changing the model, the next time the model is applied I respond more appropriately. In our example:

  • I think about my fear of mice.
  • I tap on the system with EFT to bring it back to balance, my natural state.
  • As the system comes back to balance the model is corrected.
  • The next time I see a mouse I apply the updated model and I am less afraid or not scared at all.

EFT is a mechanical process. If you tune into a model and then tap while tuned into the model, you will correct some or all of the inaccurate parts of the model. Since EFT is a mechanical process, if you do the steps correctly, improvement will occur.

This brings us to the third part of the question. How is intention involved in the healing process with EFT? As we have just shown, if the protocol is applied correctly, it doesn’t matter if you have the intention for release. I have done EFT with a number of skeptical people. They didn’t believe EFT was going to work and it did. But it did because they fully engaged in the process. This is not a small point.

If you don’t have the intention for release and health it’s more likely you will do the protocol incorrectly. Remember the words we use are not magic. The words help us to tune into an issue, but it is possible to say words, “this fear of mice, this fear of mice, this fear of mice” and to be thinking about what is on TV tonight and not mice. Even though it looks like I’m doing EFT correctly, I am not — I am just tapping on my body in some random fashion. Successful EFT requires tapping as well as tuning into the issue!

Therefore intention is not a prerequisite for EFT to work, but I encourage all my clients to have the intention of health because it will help them to stay focused and on task.

A few thoughts to keep in mind:

  • We hold models of how the world works to make the world easier to navigate.
  • It is possible to have inaccurate or incomplete models of the world.
  • Simply activating these models will not change them.
  • If we are tuning in to our inaccurate or incomplete models of the world while tapping we can correct the models.
  • Intention is not a requirement for EFT to work but it helps us to do the process correctly.

We have now examined how we model information, how this affects our current choices, and how we can use EFT to clean up inaccurate models. It has been shown that we don’t have to have the intention to heal for EFT to work, but in the third and final part of this series we will look at how our point of view and disposition can affect our ability to do EFT effectively.

Why do I have to tap? (part 1 of 3)
 Why do I have to tap? (part 3 of 3)

Why do I have to tap? (part 1 of 3)

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Why is it that fretting, stewing, or worrying about an issue consciously doesn’t dissolve the emotions, but tapping while expressing it does?


photo by Alessandro

This thoughtful question is about many topics at once. Embedded in this question is:

  • Why and how do emotions, memories, and issues affect us emotionally and influence the choices we make?
  • Why is tapping necessary to make a change?
  • Is it important to have the intention of healing while tapping?

In this three-part series we examine each of these questions fully. In part 1 we will look at how we store memories as models, what happens when we remember, and how this influences the choices we make. In part 2 we will look at why just thinking about an issue doesn’t bring about change, but tapping will. In part 3 we will examine if we need to have the intention of healing while tapping in order for Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to work.

How we store information as models
The world is a complicated place. At any given moment we are processing upwards of four million pieces of information coming in through all of our senses. Our brains are very powerful when it comes to handling all of this information. But even with all of this power it would be very cumbersome to process every piece of data we experience as something completely new.

Imagine what it would be like to treat every new tree you saw as a new experience. It would be a large green thing (often much larger than ourselves) that would be shaking. This could be very scary. In order to prevent this the mind creates models of the information we experience in the world to help us more quickly assess what we are encountering.

Having these models, we don’t have to analyze how everything in our experience works. For example, when a server places a glass of ice water in front of me at a café, I assume the water is going to be cold. I’ve experienced many glasses of water. Seeing ice cubes in the glass, I assume the water is cold. As I bring the glass to my mouth I don’t worry about burning my tongue. Because of the models I hold about water, ice, and cafés, I don’t give the water much thought.

Is it possible that the water is going to be lukewarm? Sure, but that is only disappointing, not dangerous. Is it possible that the water is scalding hot? It is possible, but very unlikely. For me to be served boiling hot water with ice in it at a restaurant would require the hot water to be served the moment the ice was placed in the cup. It would also require the server to be trying to trick me. Even though it is possible, it is so unlikely that I don’t have to worry about it.

In this case of being served a glass of ice water, I hold the following models:

  • Ice is cold
  • When ice is placed in a liquid it cools that liquid
  • It is typical to be served a glass of cold water in a café or restaurant
  • I am expecting the water to be cold and the server wants to meet my expectation to insure a good tip

Because of these models I can bring the glass of water to my mouth without giving it much thought. My brain has been spared a great deal of processing time by not having to examine every part of the experience.

The way the brain models information is a very simple concept. It might even be very obvious concept, but it is important to know how it works.

When our models of the world DON'T serve us
As powerful as modeling information is to save the brain processing time, there is a flaw in this system. When we have inaccurate or incomplete models of a situation, use of the model works against us. Let’s look at an example of how this might happen.

Let’s pretend that as I write this, a mouse runs by where I’m sitting. Without even thinking about it I jump up on the table and start screaming like a five-year-old. In this scenario I haven’t given what has happened much thought. My mind worked very quickly. It has assessed the situation, applied the models I have, and reacted.

The models I have about mice are built upon my past experience. Unfortunately, when I was six years old, my brother threw a mouse into my sleeping bag when we were camping. It was dark. I was already worried about bears that had been sighted in the campgrounds the night before. Suddenly I felt an animal on my legs, causing me terror and panic.

Because of this past experience, my model of mice includes all the fear and anxiety of that night. Therefore my model of mice says they are deadly creatures, I’m not safe, and I need to run for my life.

The model has done its job. My model of mice was applied to the current experience and I acted without having to think. However, since mice aren’t deadly creatures, my model is inaccurate and has served me poorly.

EFT and Models
Now that we understand how we model information from our past and how we use these models to inform our choices, we can start to look at how EFT fits into this. EFT helps us make changes to incomplete and inaccurate models. In part 2 of this series we will look at how EFT does change these models and why simply worrying and fretting about them is not enough.

Why do I have to tap? (part 2 of 3)
 Why do I have to tap? (part 3 of 3)

When Healing Has Consequences

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I am in talk therapy and I do my EFT. I think I have been not succeeding/just barely making it, because I am worried my mother is going to take credit for my success (just like she did when I was younger). I’m stuck, and I’m not sure that I want to be unstuck because of this fear. Any suggestions?

I have always felt the reason we as humans are different from other animals is our amazing ability to hold two completely contradictory thoughts in our heads at the same time and think both thoughts are true.

The place I see this most with my clients (and sometimes in myself) is when they want to heal some part of their life, but at the same time they think there is going to be a penalty for healing.

Some of the most recent reasons I have encountered:

  • If I get over this fear of public speaking then they’ll expect me to speak more.
  • If I get better others are going take credit for my progress.
  • Others are going to be jealous of my progress.
  • Even if I make progress I’m going to backslide again, and that sort of failure will be devastating.
  • People only give me attention to help me with my problem. If my problem goes away no one will pay attention to me.
  • If I get over my heartbreak for him, then I’ll have to face the fact that there is no else out there for me.

When we have beliefs like these it is very difficult for us to heal because part of us believes healing is bad for us. In such cases there are two steps I normally take with clients before we start attacking the main issue.

The first step is to go after any sort of resistance to change. I have found this is a good thing to do before all EFT sessions.

Even though I worry that my mother is going to take credit for my progress I love and accept myself…Even though my mother always takes credit for all my progress I give myself permission to heal…It doesn’t matter if my mother takes credit for my progress; the most important thing is that I am healing…Even if my mother takes credit for my progress, I know in my heart I am the root of all my healing and progress…It’s more important that I heal than it is to worry about whether my mother is going to take credit for my progress…I don’t care if my mother takes credit for my progress…I’m worried other people are going to think I am not strong enough to take care of myself, and this is just one more time in which I needed my mother to bail me out…I give myself permission to heal regardless of what other people are going to say and do…I deserve to heal, regardless of how others are going to act…

After doing this sort of tapping Anne realized it was still a possibility that her mother was going to try and take credit for her progress, but it no longer affected her emotionally. With this fear gone we were able to attack the problem she had visited me for.
If you know there is an area of your life you need to work on, but you feel apprehensive about doing the work:

  • Spend a little time tapping around any resistance you have about the change.
  • Ask the question, “If I make this change, what new problems will it add to my life?” This is a great way to identify any of the penalties you might have for healing. Tap on these issues.

By taking these two steps we can move from fear of healing to enthusiasm about healing.

Permission to Heal

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Why do you use the phrase “I give myself permission” so much in your EFT phrases?


photo by Matthew Fang

I use this phrase because we don’t often feel like we deserve the things we actually do deserve. In that case, something in us is likely to resist that healing. The most common resistance to this healing is a feeling of not being worthy of the change. The feeling of unworthiness generally takes two forms.

The first is the feeling of not being worthy of healing from something that already exists. “You deserve the pain you have. You’re being punished. You shouldn’t ask for better. This is as good as it’s going to get.”
The second feeling is of not being worthy of better in the future. “Who are you to think you should have a better job…better life…more pay…doing work you love…lose weight…find the partner of your dreams? You already have too much. You shouldn’t ask for more.

There are people with far less than you have. You’re being greedy. Only good people deserve more, and you are not good.”

These are very powerful thoughts and beliefs that can imprison us for years. These feelings often make it difficult even to get the strength to do any sort of change work. This is the reason the phase “I give myself permission to…” is so powerful. It speaks directly to the part of us that doesn’t feel it is allowed to change because it isn’t worthy enough to deserve change.

The idea of permission is very powerful. I often tell my clients “I give you permission to change your life for the better, and you are allowed to give yourself permission as well.” Just by having someone else tell us it’s okay, we suddenly feel like it really is okay. I have even gone as far as to write some clients notes (just like we use to get from mom and dad for getting out of school) to give them permission to change their lives.

It is a very easy thing to incorporate into your tapping routine. Any area you want to change just add, “I give myself permission to…” as you tap.

How To Kill Craving

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I have decided (once again) that I need to cut caffeine out of my diet. In the past I have given it up cold turkey but have ended up with withdrawal headaches. Is there a way that I can use EFT to help me kick the caffeine habit in a pain-free way?

I get questions about craving management all the time. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for dealing with any sort of craving (sweets, cigarettes, caffeine, or any thing you absolutely must have right now).

There are four basic steps to killing a craving. They are: eliminating resistance to changing behaviors; stopping the craving; managing withdrawal symptoms (if they exists); and taking steps to insure long-term success.

Resistance to Change
Often when we want to make a change there is a part of us that doesn’t want to change. It might be because we don’t know how life is going to look after a change, it might be because we are worried we are going to lose something we need by changing, or it could be both.

Sometimes there are side-effects to changing the foods and beverages we consume. Because we have eaten or drunk something regularly in the past, the body becomes used to — and often dependent upon — these substances. When we remove these from our diets it can take the body some time to transition.

For example, headaches are the most common side-effect of removing caffeine from our diet. Because we know side-effects are possible, we can resist making the change we want to make. I have found it very helpful to deal with the resistance to change whenever we are going to make a change in our lives.

Once you make the decision to change something in your diet you should take time daily to tap away any resistance to change. You can do it first thing in the morning to set your day up for success. It can be done in one or two rounds of tapping, which takes less than three minutes.

I really want to make this change….It’s the best choice for my health…I’m afraid that if I quit drinking coffee I won’t be able to get up in the morning…But I choose to know that once my body is no long dependant on the caffeine I will be able to wake up without it…I’m afraid that if I quit drinking coffee I will have withdrawal headaches…But I choose to know if I do have any sort of withdrawal symptom like headaches I can tap those away as well….I want to thank any part of me that is resistant to this change….I know it is resisting because it is uncertain how life will look after the change…It’s resisting change because it is trying to protect me from an uncertain future…But I know this change is best for me…I give myself permission to change.

Killing The Craving
Getting rid of cravings with EFT is a very easy task and can usually be done in a round or two of tapping. We deal with craving in the same fashion we deal with any other physical symptom. Tune in to the intensity and tap it away.

When a craving begins to build up, ask yourself “Zero to ten, how large is the craving?” After you have the SUDs level simply tap:

This craving for coffee

This craving for coffee

This craving for coffee

[How to use these tapping phrases]

After a round or two of tapping, re-rate the level of intensity. If there is still some craving left, do another round of tapping.

In my experience it usually only takes two (three at the most) rounds of tapping to lower the craving enough to insure that I make a good choice.

Withdrawal Symptoms
There can be withdrawal symptoms when we change our diets in any way. In this case we simply go after the symptoms themselves. If you need a refresher on how to deal with physical symptoms, check out Learn EFT – EFT 102: Step One – Tune in and Rate – (Physical Issue).

Planning For Success
Whenever we want to make a change in our lives, we would like it to happen right now. I know I wish I could simply snap my fingers and change my habits. This is very difficult to do.

The way our brains are wired, it takes us 14 to 21 days to create a new habit. This means for the first two to three weeks of creating a new habit we are working from will power alone. This is the reason New Year’s Resolutions often fail.

The easiest solution I have found to this problem is to make changes in very small steps. My favorite example of this was of the man who wanted to change his habit of eating lunch at McDonald’s every day. Instead of giving up fast food cold turkey he did it slowly. On the first day, before he ate his lunch he threw away one french fry. On the second day he threw away two. Then three. Then four. Before he knew it, he was eating a healthy lunch. The trick was to creep into it.

When giving up something we crave, we can take the same approach. Let’s take giving up coffee as an example. For the first week, eliminate drinking coffee after 6pm. You can drink your regular amount of coffee until 6 p.m., but every time you crave coffee after 6 p.m., you will tap the craving away instead of drinking coffee.

During week two, don’t drink coffee after 3 p.m. Again, you can drink your regular amount until 3 p.m., but nothing after. The next week move the cut-off time to noon. In the fourth week the cut-off time is 9 a.m.

In five weeks you will be coffee-free.

I don’t know where to start.

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What do I tap on when I don’t know what to tap on?

I've heard the same story from many clients. “I've tried Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) a few times with someone who knows what they are doing. I have seen great results and I'm very excited, but now that I'm on my own I don't know were to start.”

Here are four easy suggestions for starting points when you don't what to tap on.

I Don't Know
I don’t like feeling lost. I don’t like feeling inadequate. I really don’t like the feeling of not knowing what I’m doing.

It is very easy to want to avoid tapping because you don’t know what you’re doing. Not knowing what to tap on is a great place to start.

I have no idea what I’m doing…This is all new to me…I am a little uncomfortable because I really don’t know what I’m doing…When I was working with someone else it was so easy…But they were experienced and I am not…And I don’t even know what I’m supposed to tap on…I’m not sure how to tune into or rate an issue…I feel like I’m just going to be wasting my time…Maybe my body or subconscious mind knows what I am supposed to be tapping on.

Tapping on this for a little while will make you more comfortable continuing this new technique. Also, after doing this sort of tapping, tune in to see if any specific issues have arisen.

Resistance to Change
Often we are resistant to change of any type, even if it’s change for health and well-being. Change means different and new. Change means unexpected.

It’s common for us to cling to what is in our life because we know how to manage it, even if we don’t like it. Sometimes the trouble we know is better than the trouble we don’t know. This might be pain, but we know how to manage this pain.

I have learned the importance of clearing any resistance to change before any major tapping from Maria and Ted Robinson. 

Even though there might be some resistance to change, I love and accept myself…It is possible there is part of me that doesn’t really want to change because it’s worried about what I will become…I give myself permission to heal and change…Change might be hard, but it can be very good…I let go of any resistance to change that I have…I let go of any fear that I have about what this change might mean for me. [How to use these tapping phrases]

By clearing the resistance to change, we clear out any thoughts or fears that are preventing us from tuning into the issue we really want to be working on.

Pain in Body
We all want to feel better physically. We move through each and every day with small aches and pains. Because of everything we need to get done we generally don’t give them much thought. We just push through.

A great way to start any tapping session is to start with what your body is feeling right now. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. After you have relaxed a little, just notice any aches, pains, or stiffness in the body.

Then one at a time, work your way through each of these pains.

If you want guidance on how to tap for physical pain, check out: Learn EFT – EFT 102: Step One – Tune in and Rate – (Physical Issue)

The Last Few Days
Sometimes we don’t have a huge pressing emotional issue. Or sometimes we might just not have the energy to dive into a large emotional issue.

Even when we don’t attack something big, most of us have had things happen in the last few days that have rubbed us the wrong way or have caused us a little anxiety.

Every time we have feelings that are away from health and well being or when we have a disproportionate emotional response it gives us an opportunity to do some work.

Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Think back over the last 48 to 72 hours. What events cause discomfort? These don’t have to register a 7 or 8 on the SUDs scale. Just notice anything at all. On a piece of paper make a list of these issues. Then one at a time tap them away.

Emotional Trigger (Part 3 of 3)

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Is there anything I can do with EFT to help with my emotional triggers?


photo by ShimShamB

In part 1 of this series we looked at emotional triggers after they have been set off. In part 2 we examined the emotional triggers we know we have. In part 3 of the series we will look at how to take the emotional charge out of the triggers we might encounter in the future.

Looking into the future to see what’s coming up.
Many times our emotional triggers catch us off guard. There are other times when they are no surprise at all. We know what we’re walking into. We know we are going to encounter people, places, or experiences that are going to set us off. We simply need to take the time to consider all the people, places, and experiences of our day that might trigger us.

If we know what’s coming, we can do work ahead of time to help us respond in the way we truly want to. For a fuller explanation on how to tap on a specific event in the future read thisarticle on future tapping. 

Here is an example of how we can do work ahead of an event that we know is going to trigger us emotionally.

For example, you have a meeting later today with a co-worker who can be counted on to bad mouth you and your work. When this has happened in the past you’ve had feelings of self-doubt, making you useless for the rest of the day, because it’s the only thing you can think of.

You can’t avoid the meeting, and you can’t change the attitude or actions of your co-worker. You can change the way you are going to respond to this trigger.

First test 0 – 10 the truth of this statement: I am going to let my co-worker’s remarks about my work affect the way I feel about my work or myself.

If this statement rings true, we begin tapping…

I’m not looking forward to my meeting with Dave today…He always says horrible things about my work and about me…When he does I feel like a wreck for the rest of the day…When he says those things it makes me questions my own abilities…I don’t know why he says these things…Maybe he feels uncomfortable around me…Maybe he’s intimidated by my work…Maybe he’s afraid he doesn’t do very good work…This might be why he attacks me…I can’t change the way he thinks, what his fears are, or that he is attacking me…But I don’t have to take these things personally…Just because he says it doesn’t mean it’s true…When he says those horrible things about my work and about me I am just going to let them roll off my back…Because I know they aren’t true.

After doing this, recheck the statement. If it is not to a 0, tap through the sequence again.

Planning ahead to deal with the emotional triggers we are going to face in the upcoming day is powerful. Is it going to make it so your triggers have no effect at all on you? Maybe, maybe not. But it will lessen our emotional response to these triggers.

If you do still have some emotional response to the trigger, this again is good news. It tells you that you’re on the right track. The work you’ve done has made a difference, and now all you need to do is keep working on this issue.

Things to remember:

  • Be honest with yourself about your emotional triggers. It does no good to pretend they aren’t there. Tap to eliminate resistance to doing this work and then tap on the trigger itself.
  • Every time you encounter an emotional trigger it’s new information about you. This information is a gift. Don’t waste the gift. Take this information and use it to heal yourself.
  • Just because you are doing work on an emotional trigger doesn’t mean that you won’t be triggered by it in the future. But each time you work on a trigger, the closer you’ll be to having no negative emotional response at all.
  • You know the things you face in the future which are probably going to affect you. Take the time at the beginning of the day or right before you face one of your triggers and do some preventive work.

Emotional Triggers (part 1 of 3)
Emotional Triggers (part 2 of 3)

Emotional Triggers (Part 2 of 3)

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Is there anything I can do with EFT to help with my emotional triggers?


photo by Fergus Ray Murray

In part 1 of this series we looked at what emotional triggers are and what we can do after one of these triggers has been set off. In part 2 we are going to talk about the emotional triggers we know we have.

You know what your triggers are. Do something about them!

Our emotional triggers are not a secret. We know them. Our friends know them. Our family knows them. The problem is, it isn’t much fun to think about the people, places and experiences that sent us into a state of anger, frustration, sadness, or depression. Before we begin, it’s good to deal with the resistance we might have to making change and having to deal with these unpleasant thoughts.

This can simply be done by tapping (adding Choices phrases suggested by Pat Carrington)…

Even though I don’t know if I really want to face these emotional triggers, I choose to give this a try and see what happens…Even though I have some resistance to thinking about the people, places and things that set me off, I choose to find it pleasant and relieving to do so…Because if I think of them now I am going to bring up the feelings that come with these triggers…I don’t really want to go there…I also know part of the reason I have these triggers is because some part of myself thinks these triggers are protecting me and on some level are keeping me SAFE…But I know that even though this is true for part of me, it is not true for all of me, and it is in my best interest to take the sting out of these triggers…I give myself permission for the next few minutes to do work on these triggers…Even though it looks like I am stepping into an emotional mine field, I know this is good for me…I know by doing this work now I am going to respond better in the future…And if any strong emotions come up during this time I know I have the very powerful tool of EFT to deal with these emotions…By taking the time to do this work, I am demonstrating to myself that it is important that I take time to care for myself.

Once we are clear of any resistance to do this work, we can now take on our emotional triggers. Here is a simple exercise I recommend to my clients to help them find their triggers.

Sit in a quiet comfortable place where you can do your EFT work undisturbed. Make sure you have something to write with (pen or pencil) and some paper. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What are my emotional triggers?
  • What topics of conversation set me off?
  • Is there something, every time I see it, that causes an emotional reaction in me?
  • Who are the people who set me off?
  • Where am I (in what location) most often when my triggers are set off?
  • Who are the people I would like to avoid?
  • If I could live life over again, what one person or experience would I avoid?

As you ask yourself these questions, when a trigger comes up, open your eyes, write it down, and close your eyes again to think of more. Do this for five or ten minutes. Even if you get to a point where no new triggers are coming up, continue to sit with the questions, looking for more.

When you get to a point where no more triggers are coming up, ask yourself, “What triggers am I afraid to bring to mind?” After doing this, you will have a great list of emotional triggers to do work on!

You don’t have to work on all the triggers in one sitting. You might decide to work on only one or two during a single Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) session. With this list you have a great starting point. Even if it takes a few weeks to work your way through your list, you can’t help but make progress. What matters is that eventually you resolve everything on your list.

Also, come back to each item on your list several times; there may be several aspects to each. Make sure you clear every aspect.

In part 3 of this series we will explore how we can look into the future to see what situations are going to contain emotional triggers for you. This way you can easily take the sting out of the triggers that cause problems frequently.

Emotional Triggers (part 1 of 3)
Emotional Triggers (part 3 of 3)

No Words At All – AKA: I don’t know what to say (part 4)

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Is it really necessary to verbalize the issue and give a number rating when doing EFT?

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very flexible tool. There are no hard and fast rules of how you must do things. However, it is important that you understand the intention of each step. If you know why you are doing a step, it will give you flexibility in exactly how to do the step.

1) The words we say
The words are not magic. There is no perfect phrase.

We say phrases out loud to help us stay focused on the issue we want to work on. It is possible to be verbalizing phrases about our issue and be thinking of what we need to do when we get home.

Initially, our intention is to make sure we are focusing on the issue we want to improve. This can be done by thinking about the issue, saying phrases out loud, or thinking of a symbol (sight, sound, memory, feeling in the body) that is related to the issue.

I have found saying phrases out loud is helpful because putting a feeling in the body into words requires both sides of the brain and helps us to tune in more. This is not a requirement. If a client is in tears, we are fully tuned in. Adding verbalization is not going to bring the issue more into focus.

Remember, the goal is to engage the issue.

2) Rating the level
We give a rating is before and after tapping to evaluate progress. You don’t have to use numbers for this.

I often ask clients, “How big is the issue and where does it live? If you were to create a model of this feeling, what would it be made of? What color is it?” These questions give us another way to access information about the issue. As we tap, the visual of the issue can change in size, shape, color, texture, and location. When this happens there is progress, in the same way a SUDS level would go down. I have one client who creates very vivid visuals of the issue we’re working on. We never use number to rate her issue; after each round of tapping we simply check her visual.

Remember, the goal is to be able to identify progress with the issue.

Trouble on the phone

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I have hesitancy (read as fear) when making phone calls. How can I use EFT on this issue?


photo by Jason Nicholls

When we are using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) for any issue of fear there are two basic approaches I use with my clients.

[Note: As always it is best to have a pen and paper on hand to take notes as you do any of these techniques.]

Movie Technique
The movie technique is one of the most common approaches for dealing with something that has an emotional charge form the past.  Here is longer description of the movie technique.

The movie technique is straightforward. Pick one experience in your past where there is an emotional charge. In this example think back to a time you needed to make a phone call and it was hard to make or you weren’t able to make it at all. This is the “movie” we are going to use.

Give the movie a name, something simple like “calling the radio station”. Play the movie in your head. As you do this, pay attention to what emotions arise.

Pay attention to the emotions that are coming up now as you play the movie. The emotions you feel now might be different from the emotions you felt at the time. We are concerned how it affects you now, not then.

Whatever emotions arise, write them down on your paper. Again, be as specific as you can. It is possible that you have more than one emotion (eg fear, overwhelm, desperation, anger). Write each of these emotions down.

After you have written down the emotion(s), write down why you feel this emotion. (e.g., I am afraid because they are going to ask me to do something I don’t want to do, and I can’t say “no”.)

It is possible to have different reasons for one emotion. You might feel fear, but for three different reasons (e.g., they are going to ask me to do something, they are going to say no to what I asked, they are going to feel I am wasting their time, they won’t remember who I am). If there are multiple reasons for one emotion, write each of them down.

Next, on a scale of 0 to 10, how much do you feel each emotion when you play the movie? It is important to note this for each thing you have written down. If you have three reasons to fear, they are very likely to have different levels of intensity. Rate each one separately.
Now that you have your list of emotions and reasons, pick one to start tapping on. It is important to do this one issue at a time. The most logical place to start is with the emotion that has the highest intensity, but this is not always the case. Trust your intuition.

After you’ve done a round of tapping, re-rate the intensity by playing the movie in your head again. Do as many rounds of tapping as you need to get to zero. Each time you finish a round, replay the movie and re-rate.

Once you have eliminated the first fear/reason/issue, move on to the second. Before you tap on the next issue, check to see if the original levels of intensity you wrote down for the remaining issues are still accurate by replaying the movie again, tuning into these remaining issues. It is important to check these levels because they may have changed.

It’s not uncommon to have lots of different emotions about one memory. When the first is eliminated, the others can be reduced because they are connected. It is also possible, as we worked on issue number one, that none of the others changed at all.

Once you have rechecked all the remaining issues, move on to a second issue. Again, choose the one that makes the most sense to do next. Repeat this process until you can replay the movie, having no negative emotional charges remaining.

To continue the process, either now, or at a future time, pick another memory, repeating the steps.

See yourself  in the future doing what you fear.
The process is exactly the same as the process we just did, but instead of playing a movie that is in the past, you are going to make up a movie in the future. For example, in this case, you need to make a phone call in future. Play the movie in your head of what you imagine is going to happen.

Again be as specific as possible with the movie. Who are you calling and why? See yourself looking up the phone number, dialing the phone, hearing the phone ring, hearing someone answer, and hearing the response to whatever you say.

The process is exactly the same. Play the movie, write down your emotions, rate the intensity of each emotion, and tap.

You can repeat this process a number of times with as many future events as you would like to try.

Emotional Triggers (Part 1 of 3)

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Is there anything I can do with EFT to help with my emotional triggers?

I can remember from my childhood a “conversation” between my mother and sister, the way only mothers and daughters can have a “conversation”).

Mother: You are doing that on purpose just to push my buttons!

Sister: How can I not? Your buttons are this big! (Holding her hands about three feet apart.)

We all have emotional triggers; those people, places, memories and situations that just set us off. One moment we’re fine, the next we’re a mess of anger, frustration, or even sadness. Sometimes this happens in reaction to words someone says. Other times it happens because we’ve returned to a place in our past that has an emotional charge. The trigger could be as small as the song on the radio, a single word, or an image in a commercial on TV.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for dealing with the emotions that come up after our emotional triggers have been fired. We simply need to tune into what’s going on and what we’re feeling and then notice what happened that set off those feelings. But this isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

The environment around us, at an unexpected time, often touches off these emotional triggers.  Generally, when it is fired we are in a public setting. This can make it difficult for us to find the time and space we need to tap.

The environment around us, at an unexpected time, often touches off these emotional triggers. Generally, when it’s fired we are in a public setting. This can make it difficult for us to find the time and space we need to tap.

Also, when we have a significant emotional response from an emotional trigger, we are very wrapped up in the emotions. We aren’t thinking of much else because of the intensity. I know when I experience any emotion over a 7 on the SUDS (Intensity) scale I don’t always have the presence of mind to think, “I should be tapping on this.”

One of the reasons I love EFT is that it’s not only helpful with emotions that come up in the moment, but it can also be used to reduce the potency of or even eliminate the trigger that caused the emotion completely.

For example, I received a call from a client named “Julie”. She was very excited and wanted to tell me about a reception she had attended the night before. During the happy hour before the awards banquet, she was chatting with a few colleagues. One of them, “Jane,” turned to Julie out of the blue and insulted the quality of her work.

Julie explained that in the past she would have said nothing at the time, but for the rest of the evening she would have replayed the conversation over and over in her head, each time agreeing more and more with the person’s assessment of her work and ability, each moment questioning her own abilities. Finally, she would have cried herself to sleep that night.

Instead, she said, “I have done so much EFT work on my self-esteem that I knew what she said wasn’t true. Instead of getting mad, frustrated, or depressed, I just said a little prayer in my head for Jane. I prayed that somebody would affirm the work she was doing.”
That story is the perfect example of how doing work ahead of time will prevent our emotional triggers from going off.

There are three ways to reduce or eliminate the power of these triggers with EFT: take care of the emotion that has been triggered by recent experiences; work on the triggers we already know we have (our ongoing triggers), and look ahead to see what possible triggers are coming up in our future.

Take the time to deal with the emotional triggers that have been set off during the day
Every time an emotional trigger is set off it is a good thing. And, I am not one of those people who love pain. Every time we have an emotional response we gain information. A negative emotional response means we’ve encountered something that is associated with a root problem, belief, or memory that is better healed now than later.

Every symptom we have is attached to a root problem, feeling or belief. It’s very easy for us to forget that every time we work on a symptom, we are also working on the root of the symptom. When we reduce our response to an emotional trigger we are dealing with at least a piece of the core issue. The next time we encounter the same type of trigger our response is going to be less, or even non-existent.

In the best of all worlds, the moment we notice unwanted emotions we would immediately tap them away. When we don’t, or can’t, tap the moment the emotion impacts us, it’s important to come back to this experience at a later time. The experience has given us valuable information about a weakness in ourselves that is better healed.

I take time at the end of every day, before I go to sleep, to review my day. I think of every moment in which I had a disproportionate emotional response. I revisit each of these memories, tapping on them until they no long have an emotional charge.

By doing this, I can get a good night’s sleep because I’m no longer feeling the stresses of the day, and I’m making progress on the core issues that underlie the emotional triggers I have.

Emotional Triggers (part 2 of 3)
Emotional Triggers (part 3 of 3)

What words and phrases do I use? AKA: I don’t know what to say! (part 3)

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When I was working with the person who taught me EFT, it worked great. Now that I’m working on my own, I don’t know what phrases to use. Do you have any suggestions?

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is different from most protocols in its flexibility. There is not just one way to do it. What works on one problem might be less effective on the next. What works for one person is not going to work as well on the next. This is particularly true with the words and phrases we say.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the question, “Are these the right words?”

The problem is that’s the wrong question. When I say wrong, I mean that it’s not a helpful question.

There are no right or wrong words with EFT. The words we use are not magical. They are useful only insofar as they help us to stay focused on the issue we want to resolve. Just saying words out loud doesn’t mean that we’re focused on what those words mean.

On more than one occasion I’ve been in church saying the creed with the rest of the congregation. The words are just coming out of my mouth as my mind wanders to what I want to do with my afternoon. All of a sudden I snap back into the moment and I have no idea where we are in the prayer. I’ve been on autopilot. Words have been coming out of my mouth, but they mean nothing to me.

In the same fashion, I can be saying, “This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…” and be thinking of anything but my knee.

Also, it’s possible for me to tune into the pain in my knee without ever saying those words out loud.

Often when my clients are dealing with something that is very emotional, rating a 9 or 10, I don’t have them say anything out loud. To start, they can just tap. If they are at a 9 or 10 they are fully tuned in to the emotion. As the emotional level comes down, we start using reminder phrases to stay focused.

The key take away is this: It’s more important to remember why we use the reminder phrase than how to do the reminder phrase. If you remember its purpose, to keep us focused, then you can say anything you want while tapping, as long as it keeps you focused on the issue at hand.

For example, I’ve worked with clients who have an issue with a person I also know. The client doesn’t want to put me in the middle of the dispute. When they are tapping I have them say, “This anger at old what’s his name because he stabbed me in the back.”

In this example my client knows who “old what’s his name” is. By using that phrase, they are tuned in to the issue, and I never have to know who the issue is with.

Here are a few guidelines for choosing phrases:

1) Keep it simple. Using the phase, “this pain in my knee,” is powerful enough. You don’t have to get any more sophisticated that that.

2) Be as specific as possible. Before you start tapping on “this pain in my knee,” make sure you think about the pain in your knee. Ask the question listed in EFT 102: Tune In – (Physical Pain) to get a really good idea of what it feels like. You can even use those words:

This pain in my knee…That feels red…And is the shape of a rod…That feels like it is made of fire

These descriptive words will help you tune in.

3) For an emotion, just tell the story of what happened.

My boss came in at the end of the day to give me extra work…I needed to get home to help my wife…It was so inconsiderate…I can’t help it if he can’t get his work done on time…It’s unfair that he’s heaping it on me…It really made me mad…It hurts that he doesn’t think my time is as important is his

And so on. It’s as simple as telling the story. State the facts and state how they make you feel.

4) Break the issue down to the smallest pieces possible. The easiest way to do this is to keep asking why.

I’m mad at my roommate…Why are you mad?…The kitchen is a mess….Why does this make you mad?…Because it feels like I live in a pigsty….Why does living in a pigsty make you mad?…Because my friends see it when they come over….Why does it make you mad that your friends might think you live in a pigsty?…Because they think I’m irresponsible.

Being mad because the kitchen is dirty and being mad because it makes me look bad are very different things. Get specific. You can now tap on, “When my roommate makes our place a mess I ‘m afraid that others are going to judge me.”

5) If you don’t know what to say, tap on that.

I don’t know what to say…I’m afraid I’m going to use the wrong words…I’m worried this is a waste of time…But I know you really can’t do this wrong…Even if I have no progress I’m only going to waste one minute of time…There really is no penalty for doing it wrong…I give myself permission to try. [How to use these tapping phrases]

Then give it a shot. You will find the right words.

It’s all better! Should I keep using EFT on it?

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Should you keep tapping on the same issue day after day? If you’re doing okay without tapping, should you continue tapping on the same issue? For how long?


photo by TeeJe

That depends; all things with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) seem to be situational.

Here are a few things to consider:

Is it an issue that needs regular maintenance? For example, even when our teeth are healthy, we brush them every day because we are always adding things to our mouths that could create future decay. Is the issue something that has contributing factors every day? For example, you might have an issue with a frustrating boss. If he does things every day that might continue to frustrate you, then it might be good to tap every day on that issue.

Are you worried it’s going to come back? If you’re worried about something coming back, tap on the worry you have about the issue coming back.

(Even thought I have found healing, I’m afraid that it’s only temporary and it might come back.)

If you have no current issue but want to make sure it stays that way, tap in thanksgiving for your healing

I am so happy that my body has healed itself. I give thanks for the fact that my body has realized it no longer needs to hold onto these feelings. I am thankful for the fact that my body can heal itself in so many amazing ways.

If it’s a really big issue, it might be worth a few minutes of tapping each day, just to keep it at bay. Tapping is like wearing a seat belt. It doesn’t take much effort to do. You might only need it once in a million times, but you’re thankful the one time you need it. Err on the side of caution. Take three minutes each day to tap on the issue. If the issue is really big, it’s worth three minutes a day.

Stop tapping on it. Maybe you are done, BUT keep an eye out for any symptoms that may creep back. Keep checking in on the issue. The instant a hint of it comes back, go after it again. It’s always easier to deal with a small issue than a big one.

I don’t believe the words I say while doing EFT!

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I don’t believe some of the things I say when I tap. Does that matter?

For us to do work on any thought/emotion we need to bring it into our thought field (meaning we are feeling or thinking it) at the moment we are tapping. That might be a little bit of a confusing statement, so let’s think of it in terms of the analogy of washing dishes.

The only place we can wash our dirty dishes effectively is in the kitchen sink. We have dirty dishes all over the house. They can be by the TV from watching football last night, on the kitchen table from lunch today, and on the counter by the sink. We can know where all the dishes are, but until they get into the sink, we can’t wash them.

It doesn’t matter how those dishes get into the sink. It only matters that they get there. We can put them in the sink, or someone else can put them in the sink. Once they are in the sink we can start cleaning.

When we are doing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) we have to do the same thing. We need to get the thought, the physical pain, or the emotion into the “sink” before we can clean it. We can know intellectually what our issues are, but we can’t do anything about them until they are in the “sink”. Our “sink” is our thought field, meaning once we are feeling the emotion it is in our thought field.

Let’s suppose the following. I know my boss treated me badly at work today, but until I play the memory back as a movie in my head and really start to feel my rage, I haven’t moved this memory into my thought field (”sink”). Once I have done this, I can start doing EFT to get relief.

With that as background it brings us to the question of what words work best. The words that we say are not magic. They are only important in that they help us get what we want to work on into our thought field (get the dishes into the sink). Just like getting the dishes to the sink, it doesn’t matter how they get there. All that matters is that they get there.

Let’s say I want to improve up my self-esteem when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. In order to do any work in this area I need to bring the feeling of discomfort talking to a woman into my thought field. I have two options for doing this.

First, I could go right at the issue and tap like this:

“I am such a moron.
I can’t talk to women,
I always sound like a fool.
They think I am so stupid.
They wish I would leave them alone, because I’m wasting their time.”

This is a very simple direct approach to the problem.

Or I could take a second tack. I can instead take advantage of the little voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough. Please note what the voice in my head does.
“I am a funny guy.
[voice in head: No, you are not.]
I am a charming conversationalist and people love talking to me.
[VIH: No you’re not. You sound like a fool talking to others. You never know the right thing to say.]
I am going to walk up to someone new tonight and just start chatting.
[VIH: No, you are going to be a sweaty mess and chicken out.]”
[How to use these tapping phrases]

In this instance, I didn’t believe a single thing I said out loud, but the voice in my head brought up all the stuff that needed to be cleared.

Both approaches brought the dirty dishes to the sink. In the second case, by saying things I didn't believe the little voice in my head brought the emotions that needed to be cleaned up into the thought field.

For anther example of this approach, see I don't know what to say! (part 1)

Doing It All Wrong

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I’m having trouble getting started with EFT. It’s almost like I have a fear that I will do it wrong. Any suggestions?

This questions was written in response to the article  Fear of fear, where I talked about clients who have a hard time starting because they are afraid of the emotions they may stir up by thinking about them in detail.

Along with fear of stirring up too many emotions, a very common worry about doing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is the fear of doing wrong. I hear this often from my clients.

At the end of every session I give my clients homework. This enables them to make progress until our next session. One of the reasons

I love EFT is it empowers the client to do self care. They don’t have to be dependent on a practitioner to make progress.

To begin the next session, I check to see how much homework they did. Often, when they haven’t done much work on their own, it’s because they’re worried they can’t do it right.

When I am confronted with this circumstance I do two things.

First, I explain there are no known side-effects to doing EFT . It only takes 10 minutes to try. The worst thing that can happen is you waste a little time. If you do EFT in a private place no one will ever know you didn’t do it well.

All of this is true, but I know that even when I have the facts before me, if there is an emotional root explaining why it still might not work out, I won’t try.

Therefore, the second thing I do is ask why they are worried about doing it wrong. Some common responses are:

  • If it doesn’t work, it means EFT isn’t real, and I’m afraid to give up hope of getting over the things I’m struggling with
  • You do it so easily; I’m afraid to fail at something that is so simple
  • If it doesn’t work now, it means all the progress we’ve already made isn’t real
  • It’s been a long time since I learned something new, and I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty.
  • I don’t understand why it works, so there is no way I can do it right
  • If I get better, how am I going to explain the progress to my loved ones? They will think I lost my mind when I tell them it was from tapping.

So what we do is tap on these issues of worry. I encourage all my clients who struggle just to get started to begin each session they do on their with something like this until they are more comfortable

I’m having a hard time tapping on my own…I don’t know if it really works…I have failed when I tried in the past…I don’t know if I am going to do it right…Gene makes it seem so easy…But, I don’t know what to say. It is really hard to come up with all those words…It has been so long since I have tried something new. I don’t like feeling like a novice…But I understand the only way I can get better is if I try…There is nothing in my life I learned to do perfectly on the first try. …Today I take driving for granted, but it took time to learn…I walk without even thinking about it, and that took months to learn…I give myself permission to be okay with not being very good at this…Each time I do EFT I will do better…I know there are people out there who have experience, and I can ask them for help…They were novices at one point too…For the next 30 minutes I give myself permission to be really bad at this…I give myself permission to make lots of mistakes…Because I know it is in the mistakes that I am going to learn and get better…And because I can’t hurt myself by trying…Assuming I don’t poke out my own eye…The only thing I might do is waste 30 minutes…There are lots of times in my life where I have wasted 30 minutes on a TV program…I can try this for 30 minutes…I know it is best for me just to give it a try…I am doing this work in private, so no one will know I’m doing this…If I do it wrong, no one will know I didn’t do it right…I know there is a possibility that EFT might not work on this issue this time…But that doesn’t mean EFT doesn’t work…It doesn’t mean that EFT doesn’t work for me…It only means that it is not working for me this time…EFT has worked in the past for lots of people…EFT will continue to work…If it doesn’t work now for me I have learned what not to do…I have an experience I can explain to someone who is more experienced…This feedback will help them to help me…I know there are lots of people I can ask for help…That’s one of the great things about people who do EFT — they want to help others…If all else fails, I can email EFT Q & A for help…I am not alone in doing this…And I am allowed to try again and again with EFT. [How to use these tapping phrases]

One final note: Yes, it is ironic that people who are afraid to tap on their own are willing to tap on not being able to tap. I wish I could explain it. I just know people are willing to try, and it works.

Moron!

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My boss is a moron. He makes my life miserable. I’ve tapped on the issue, but it’s not getting any better. What can I do?


photo by redteam

Before we decide how to deal with this problem, I need to explain how to use truth phrases.

I’m a big fan of using truth phrases when working with emotional issues. With truth phrases we rate how true we think a phrase is. These phrases differ from the standard rating of intensity.

For example, with the phrase, “How angry do you feel?” we are rating the intensity of the anger. With the phrase, “I get angry when my partner doesn’t listen to me,” we are rating how true this statement sounds, 10 being completely true and 0 not being true at all.

At first, rating how true a phrase is can be a little tricky. Just remember how odd it felt to rate anger on a scale of 0 to 10. There is a reason we call the scale “SUBJECTIVE” units of distress. It’s just a benchmark to see if progress has been made. It’s more an art than a science.

Truth phrases can be very helpful because they incorporate what we feel (anger) and why we feel it (because my partner doesn’t listen). When we know what the emotion is and why it’s there, we are more likely to be tuned into the core issue of the emotion. The closer we are to the core, the more effective our work is going to be.

Examples of truth phrases are:

When I’m worried I eat to soothe myself.

I feel unvalued when my voice isn’t heard.

I’m worried because I don’t think I’ve done enough work for tomorrow’s meeting.

I’m sad my family doesn’t care about the work I do.

I’m angry that our government is so corrupt.

For truth phrases to be effective we need to have both parts of the phrase. We need to state what emotion we feel and what the causes of the emotion are.

Note: Many times we have no control over what is happening around us. Whether people refuse to hear us, whether they don’t care about our work or that our government is corrupt, we may just have to live with these facts. It would be great to believe that someday our family is going to be as passionate about our work as we are, but we have no control over the emotions of others. Usually all we can change is our emotional response to these states of the world.

A common mistake with truth statements is that we forget to add our emotional response, tapping only on the state of the world.
For example, the statement “My boss is a moron!” might rate as a 10, but no matter how much tapping we do, our boss is not going to get any smarter. This phrase is not properly structured because it’s missing the emotional response.

A more useful phrase is, “I’m very frustrated because my boss is a moron.” When this rates as a 10, we can then investigate why this is frustrating. (e.g., it creates more work. We look bad to the rest of the company. I have to do his tasks over after he messed them up).

As we tap and make progress on the reasons that cause frustration, we can come back to retest “I’m very frustrated because my boss is a moron.” Once this statement no longer feels true, we know we’ve done what we can. Our boss is still a moron, but this is no longer emotionally controlling our lives.