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When Caregivers Are Careworn

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[Note from Gene: It is very easy for those of use take care of other to choose to not take care of our selves. In this article Jondi Whitis offers some insight in how we can approach taking care of ourselves as we care for others.]


photo by Rob Ireton

All of us are caregivers at one time or another, and as energy practitioners, we’re certainly caregivers, but what happens to those among us who choose this as a full-time vocation? Or those among us suddenly thrust into this role as a long-term situation?

Caregiving is challenging and spiritual work, in my book. It’s intensity and duration make it particularly grueling in some cases, and it’s critically important to get your batteries “put in correctly”, as Gary Craig would say, as well as to keep those batteries charged!

I don’t know about you, but I am clear about this part of my capabilities. I see it like I see an athlete’s:

I am a Sprinter. Not a Marathoner. I have gifts and passion for the instant bolt and the intense, deep, bursts of effort that a Sprinter would use to run and win the dash. But the skillset that a Marathoner owns feels daunting to me. The very long, drawn-out, frequently intense, day-to-day efforts that a full-time caregiver faces make these people heroic in my eyes.

Do you know some of each type? Good. Recognizing our strengths, and those of others, allows us to connect with one another, making each party stronger still. It sets up a natural teaching environment whereby we learn from one another, and celebrate each new skill on this journey we travel together. Supporting one another in this way not only keeps our tools sharp, but our hearts open, our egos in check, and eyes wide open to the mystery and wonder of healing, within us and all around us.

Why not give yourself a little gift today? Give yourself the gift of insight.

First, look at yourself with a loving eye and ask: which kind of runner ARE you? (And let that be marvelous, no matter what the answer.)

Second, truly see another you admire and give thanks for their gifts. Contact them, tell them what you admire about them, then share an insight or observation that’s worked really well for you. Open yourself, your ears and heart to receive their insights, in return.

Third, linked by your Intentions to help and heal others as well as yourselves, tap a little for yourself.

Note: Enter into this tapping session with gladness, that you can give of yourself to some who gives wholly of themselves each day to another. Set your Intention together to restore, strengthen and find new springs or energy, resourcefulness, peacefulness and compassion within.

KC: Even though I am weary and I there is no end to this in sight, I want to accept myself.
KC: Even though I am so tired, and don’t know if I can continue this way, I really do want to accept myself, and I’m doing the best that I can.
KC: Even though I don’t know how much more of this I can take, I accept that this is how I really feel, and some days that has to be enough. I want to accept myself even on days like this.
TH: I’m exhausted.
EB: Really exhausted.
SE: It never lets up. It’s overwhelming.
UE: What if it never lets up? It’s never-ending.
UN: I’m so tired, so….I don’t know how to keep going when I feel this way.
CH: What if I can’t? Then what?
CB: It’s terrifying to think I can’t go on, but it’s also terrifying to think what if I CAN? Just because I CAN, does that mean I have to? And for how long?
UA: Is there any good end to this?
UN: I can’t think of one right now. I’m not feeling very resourceful. Just alone. Just exhausted.
WR: Too tired! Can’t think, can only do – and barely that! Alone and exhausted.
KC: Too tired, too exhausted, hard to keep this up. Don’t even know if I want to!

KC: Even though I find it hard to keep going; is there any good end to this? I do accept myself. Most of the time, anyway.
KC: Even though I am worried; what if I can’t continue on this way? What if I have to? I really do want to accept myself, and this is the best I can do right now. I’m pretty sure that’s the truth.
KC: Even though I feel that if I ask for help or tell anyone how I’m feeling they’ll think I’m a bad person, I accept this is how I really feel. Don’t I get to feel like being helped, too? I accept myself and this feeling.
TH: I don’t know if I can go on this way, so tired and feeling guilty.
EB: Exhausted and guilty. Really? Hmm, maybe not guilty, maybe just….alone and unhappy.
SE: This tiredness that makes my brain hurt, that makes me feel burnt-out. And why’d I ever think I’d be good at this? Did I really have a choice? It’s hard to tell anymore.
UE: What about ME? Did I just say that?! What if that is actually okay?
UN: Maybe it’s not my fault.
CH: Maybe it’s not their fault, either. Maybe it’s no one’s fault. I’m just exhausted, that’s all.
CB: Maybe I could just use a little break. Maybe I could use a little ‘care’, too.
UA: Is it possible I could get help, too? That it’s okay to ask? Who would I ask, anyway?
UN: I can’t ask for that – I’M the caregiver – I’M the one who…..the one who what?
WR: Maybe I could ask. Maybe someone would help. I don’t know. I’m willing to consider it, anyway.
KC: Even caregivers need care, I guess. How would that feel? Could I let that feel good?

KC: Even though I find it hard to ask for help, I accept myself. I really do.
KC: Even though I’m supposed to be the caregiver, maybe I need care, too. And I really do want to feel better, like my old self. Maybe this is the best I can do right now, though. Maybe I really do accept me.
KC: Even if I ask for help or tell anyone how I’m feeling and they won’t listen, could that be okay just to try it? I accept that I feel nervous about saying this out loud, about asking for help.
TH: Maybe I’m not a bad person, to ask for help. Maybe it doesn’t make me weak or look bad to ask for help.
EB: Maybe I could reach out. Maybe no one actually knows what a toll this is taking on me.
SE: What if they reject me? What if they say, “No.” Is there anyone else I could talk to?
UE: Maybe I need to say it to someone new. Maybe there’s help out there for me I didn’t know about.
UN: I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, but I’m willing to admit I need some help here.
CH: I don’t even know where to begin. I’m nervous about asking for help and being rejected.
CB: I’m nervous either way. What if they say “Okay.” What if they don’t?
UA: Either way, I might feel better, just saying it out loud.
UN: Maybe I could say it out loud and feel better.
WR: I really do want to feel better. I already do feel a little better. Hmmm.
KC: Maybe I will reach out. Who knows what could happen? Maybe something good. What’s the worst that could happen? I’ve heard the word “No” before. I can take it. But what if it’s a “Yes.” What if I could have help? What if I could get a break, and feel better?

You can reach Jondi at EFTbrooklyn.com, or hear her interviews with EFT experts on EFT Radio On-Line on BlogTalkRadio; she specializes in helping others help themselves with the loving power of EFT, humor, warmth and forgiveness.

11 Best of the Last 6 Months

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photo by vectorportal

These are necessarily the best articles on the site, but these are some of my favorites. To make it easier to navigate I have chosen one entry from 11 different categories. Please add a comment to the bellow on what some of your favorites have been.

Information
From time to time I get an e-mail or a comment that says, “You are just money grubbing hack. How dare you charge to share healing information. It is good that we are all on the same page. Here is the most recent explanation of Why Tapping/EFT Q and A Was Created.

Podcast
There have been so many great pods it was hard to choose. Tapping for Trauma w/ Gwyneth Moss transformed the way I understood the ways we are wounded which directly impacts the way we heal.

Bonus Podcast
Bonus pods are quick records that have great infor, but don’t need a full show. In Something That Needs A Cool Name, But Doesn’t Have One I share a great little tool you can use everyday. The pod is only 4min long.

(subscribe to the the podcast feed in iTunes or check out the complete podcast archive)

Post I am Most Proud Of
I spent much or 2010 working on A Healing Manifesto – Recovering Self I think it is one of the best things I have written to date. I think this information is so important I am considering making it required reading for new clients. There is both English and Spanish versions of the ebook and an English version of the audio book.

Words
This is personally one of my favorite types of articles. I love language. I love words. I love the way the words we use shape the way we heal (or don’t heal). “…and I choose this for my reality!” I look at how the way we describe ourselves can stop our healing process dead in its tracks.

I would encourage you to check out the full words series.

Sessions
One of the reasons I love working with clients is because I learn so much. From time to time I share some of the lessons I have learned from working with clients. In 12 Lessons From Tapping With A Total Stranger On A Flight I share the story of what I learned from tapping with a stranger on a flight.

Question and Answer
The heart of this site is still answers peoples questions. The Q & A that received the most feedback was People Who Suck Us Emotionally Dry – AKA Emotional Vampires. You know who your emotional vampires are. Here is how you can care for yourself.

Big Picture Information
There are the detailed articles (how to tap for cravings) and then there are big picture ideas. I love the big picture stuff. It helps me to move from one issue to the next. One of the hardest concepts to get in tapping is Psychological Reversal. Here is my take on it.

Opinion
Sometimes I write about what I think, not just what I know. How One Minute Miracles Can Be Bad For The Tapping Community covers what I think is a very important idea to keep in mind.

TapAlong Audio
As you know I have been adding TapAlong Audios every week to the site. In “The crap I know is better than the crap I don’t know” you can tap on one of the main reasons we resist change.

Practitioner
I love helping other practitioners build and grow their practices. In the three part Content Creation Series I explain my process for creating free resources (like this) and products that I sell.

Guest Article
From time to timoe I feature an article from a practitioner I admore. In Round Up I was able to get great info from 10 awesome practitioners on the healing process.

Another New Year’s Goal Setting Post (AND That’s A Good Thing)

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I know we are months past the beginning of the year. More than likely you have forgotten all your New Year’s Resolutions.

The fact that January 1st is the beginning of the “New Year” is somewhat arbitrary. Really the first day of the year could have been any day, but for some reason when calendars where being created they chose January 1st. If we use the “New Year” as a tool to reflect on our life and as a chance to look ahead then it can be a very helpful thing.

So now that we are well past the craziness of the holidays and you have some time to reflect on what you thought was going to be important this year, let’s try this again.

Let’s make today the Re-New Year to reflect and plan action.

Last year I wrote about “Why I Am Giving Up Self Improvement In The New Year” and I would encourage you to revisit (!) it as a new way of looking at taking care of yourself.

The last week of December Joe Vitale shared 7 Ways to Make 2011 Amazing on his blog. Here are a few of the points that I really loved. (If you are interested I would encourage you to read Joe’s full article.)

[Side note: This is really a two-part article in disguise. In this part I am talking about what you can do. In part two I am going to give you tapping scripts for each of these steps. If this feels overwhelming, just hang in there, help is coming.]

1. Set Intentions.

Tip: To get out of the ego’s trap of thinking in terms of limitations, add “this or something better” to each intention. Example: “I intend to increase my income in 2011 by 50%, or something better.”

I think setting goals is a really import part of success. I have been doing a little tapping experiment in my own life. I have been reviewing my goals for the year every week. When I say review I mean I am just reading the list every Monday. Then I am just doing my regular tapping. I am not even tapping on the issues around the goal. The simple fact that the goals are at the front of my mind is also bringing my resistance to the front of my mind. The combination of these facts with tapping daily is vaulting me towards my goals.

I also love Joe’s tip of “this or something better.” I have been using that for years. It really opens us up to possibilities that we didn’t know that are out there for us, but we might miss because we are not looking for them.

2. Schedule Actions.

Tip: If an intention seems overwhelming, break it down into doable smaller steps. As the saying goes, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How do you write a book? One chapter (or even one page) at a time.

I use the free version of the website Toodledo to manage all my tasks. This is not just for my business, but I also use it to remind me to work out, plan my day, and to take time to do my personal tapping. You don’t have to use some fancy tool, but naming the steps and putting them in writing is a great way to move forward.

3. Take Action.

Nothing happens until something moves.

Tip: Look at your schedule (in step two) to know what to do. Then go do it. Your rule of thumb is to take ten actions every day in the direction of making your intentions for 2011 come into reality.

Tony Robins once said something to the effect of, “If you sit at home all day gazing at your vision board something is going to happen . . . the repo man is going to show up and take all your stuff.” We need to be people of action.

I think expecting yourself to do 10 things every day is a great goal to work towards, but let’s start simple. If you spend 10 minutes working towards a goal today, by the end of the month you will have spent 5 hours working towards your goal. If you are looking for ideas on how to add action to your day, check out Making It Routine

4. Face Fears.

Along the way in the new year you’ll have doubts, fears, set-backs and blocks. Don’t let them stop you. Fear isn’t something to redirect you; if anything, it’s simply warning you that you are leaving your comfort zone and doing something new.

If there weren’t resistance, then you would have already reached your goal. There is something that is holding you back from moving forward. Be honest with yourself. Name your fears. Knock your fears out!

5. Feed Your Brain.

Turn off the mainstream news. It’s designed to program you with fear and uncertainty. Instead, listen to self-improvement audios, read success literature, and watch inspirational and informational shows.

Take time to take care of yourself. Make it a priority. It is really easy to say, “I really need to do this task and I can tap tomorrow.” The next thing you know you haven’t spent any time tapping in three weeks.

Make it a priority. Put it on your schedule. Make an appointment with yourself. Turn off your phone. Lock your door. Do what you have to do to do a little each day to care for yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY OF DOING THIS!

7. Get Support.

Surround yourself with people who encourage, motivate, and inspire you . . . find at least one person who believes in you.

None of us are going to get where we want to get alone. Get help with your tapping. Pick the brain of someone who has achieved what you want to achieve. Every Tuesday I have a 15 minute call with my business coach to make sure I am staying on track and to use the wisdom of a man who has owned a small business for over 30 years. At least once every six weeks I work with someone to help me to tap on my issues. Get help you are worthy of!

A Million Thoughts Going Through Your Head
As you read through this list I am sure you had a number of thoughts.

  • Yes! I already know that.
  • Wow! That is a new way of looking at that.
  • I’ve tried that before, but it didn’t work out so well.
  • There is too much to do all at once. I don’t know where to start!
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

It is one thing to know what we need to do, but it is something completely different to do it. Over the next few weeks I am going to take each one of these ideas and expand upon them with a tapping script to deal with the resistance that you are feeling. I know it is there because I feel it too! But that is ok . . . we can get through this together.

Strategic Self Kindness

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[Note from Gene: One of the biggest struggles I face in my own healing is the ablity to be easy with myself. I want better for myself. I expect more of myself. I know what I am capable of better. I WANT IT NOW! This makes it very hard to be easy with myself. It is something I tap on almost daily. In this article Janet Hilts a wonderful plan on how we can be easy with ourselves.]

photo by Aunt Owwee

Being gentle with yourself feels good. But do you know that it’s also a very practical tool? Self kindness is a great strategy for moving ahead – either for personal development or for business. It works for whatever your focus is and here’s why:

Self kindness saves time and energy, leaving you more of both for what you really want to do.
If you’re NOT gentle with yourself, you lose momentum every time something goes wrong or doesn’t go the way you want it to.

  • Criticizing yourself takes head time: all your thoughts about what you did wrong, what you should have done instead, etc.
  • Criticizing yourself takes heart time: all the crummy feelings about yourself.
  • And your focus turns totally inward.

To pull out of this state takes even more time and energy — recovery time to get your head turned around, to open your heart back up and feel better emotionally, and to turn outward again.

Self kindness, on the other hand, leaves you buoyant – with plenty of energy to focus outward and keep moving. It subtracts nothing from you to be kind to yourself. It doesn’t use up energy; it increases it. And the vibe it creates is contagious.

My point is that it’s highly practical as a strategy. So I hope you’ll consider using self-kindess — deliberately.
These are the steps to take to start using self kindness on a regular basis for yourself:

1. First, investigate your resistance to making self kindness a deliberate strategy. Get quiet and listen to the little voice inside your head that tells you why it’s not a good idea to do that, and stirs up fears about it. If you’re not using self kindness, it’s because a part of you has some good reasons for that. So listen for those reasons, those fears and beliefs. And then write them down.

What beliefs come up for you? They could be things like:

  • I’ll lose my motivation if I’m too nice to myself. I won’t feel like doing anything.
  • I don’t know how to do it. The people I know don’t do this.
  • It’s going to be too hard. Maybe it’s impossible.
  • I don’t know what I’m doing. This sounds crazy to me.
  • I don’t know if this can help me. What’s the point?
  • Etc. (whatever comes to mind)

Write those down.

2. Then take the whole list and cluster them together as a package. Now measure the emotional impact of that package on a scale of 1 to 10. How strong is that resistance of all those fears and beliefs together? And write the number down.

3. Then start tapping. Do one round of “This resistance to self kindness.”

Then do a few rounds of tapping, giving voice to the resistance. You can just read off your list as you tap.

Continue tapping until you get your resistance down to a zero.

4. The next thing that you can do is to create some positive statements and tap those in as affirmations. For example:

  • I easily go to self kindness first thing.
  • I love how it makes me feel.
  • My self kindness is contagious to the people around me.
  • I can feel my heart opening as I relax into self kindness.
  • Etc. (whatever comes to YOUR mind)

Have fun creating the list. Then just tap those affirmations in as a practice, first thing in the morning – no need for a setup. Simply move around the points as you tap on the positive statements.

Then enjoy the rewards of practicing self kindness as a deliberate strategy – and the ripple effect. Everyone you come in contact with will reap the benefits.

With coaching and EFT, Janet Hilts helps creatives and professionals dissolve personal blocks to success so they can move forward to do what they really want to do. Find Janet on-line @ web; facebook; twitter; radio

How Progress Happens – 10 Lessons Learned From Working With The Feeling of Anxiety All Day At Work

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photo by Phil Hollenback

Recently I was working with “Kelly.” We had been working every week or two for 30 minutes at a time on the issue of anxiety she was feeling at work. When we started working she described the anxiety as being present from the moment she walked in the door until she left. There were moments that she just wanted to run from the room screaming.

In the last eight weeks we have had six 30-minute sessions. We have not completely taken care of the issue, but a lot of progress has been achieved. Here are the steps that we have taken and the lessons that can be learned from our process.

Thinking About The Day And Not Feeling The Stress
In the beginning the anxiety that Kelly felt lasted well beyond just the work day. As the weekend would come to an end the feeling would start to grow. She would wake up in the morning with that gross feeling in the pit in her stomach. Just thinking of the office would bring the feeling on.

To begin with we started very simple. I had her imagine a very specific day she was at work and to start describing how she felt. I had her explain, in very specific detail, how she felt physically in conjunction with the emotion. Each time it was a little different. It would manifest itself as wanting to run away, a sinking feeling in the stomach, her heart quickly beating, or fidgety hands.

With each of these symptoms I would have Kelly thank the symptom for trying to get her attention and ask the symptom why it felt the way it felt. The system would provide information like it is not safe, I don’t know what to do if too much comes up quickly, or I might say something foolish to the clients.

We took each of these issues one at a time and tapped on them like we would for any other issue. After clearing the particular issue I would have Kelly once again imagine that she was at work. We did this until she would feel no more anxiety while thinking she was at work.

When we chatted a week later she reported that she still felt the same level of anxiety at work.

Lesson 1: Just because we are able to clear an issue imagining that it is happening to us, it does not mean that we have cleared the issue. At the same time this does not mean that the tapping we have done is useless. There are many more triggers to anxiety when we are in the working environment versus just thinking of the working environment. It simply means that we are not done.

Lesson 2: We can get a great deal of information from a physical sensation. Many times all we need to do is ask what it is about. If you haven’t done this type of work before this might seem very odd. All you have to do is pretend the tight chest has a voice to speak and ask, “Why are you so scared?” You will be surprised. Treat this newly found voice as a friend that you are tapping with. Keep providing it information like, “I know you think you are not safe at work, but you know intellectually no one is going to hurt you at work.” As you do this you will continue to get more and more specific information about the issue at hand which will give you more specific tappable issues.

Thinking About Going To Work
We continued the same pattern in the next sessions. Kelly would tune-in to something happening at work. We would tap on the issue. We got to the point where we were quickly knocking out the anxiety around the past moments and they weren’t revealing any new information in regards to the core issues.

We then moved to having Kelly imagine future moments at work. Each time we did this we would add more and more details that we knew would make her more anxious. Kelly would imagine that more than one person would be approaching the desk at once, that the phone was ringing, that a co-worker came up from behind to ask for something, and we had her imagine that one of the people she didn’t know who was approaching her desk was particularly handsome. We didn’t add all of these details at once, but instead one at a time. As we added new details we would see where the anxiety was and why it was there. Once Kelly was able to tap it away we would add another detail.

We did this until she could imagine every detail at work and not feel any anxiety. Once we got to this point Kelly reported that she felt anxious at work, but no longer felt anxious heading into work in the morning. Many mornings she even felt a little calm, but the feeling of anxiety would slowly creep in. Before long it was at full bore.

Lesson 3: Once we have worked through past memories it is very helpful to place ourselves in future situations where we are experiencing the thing that is giving us trouble. The nice thing about EFT is we are able to creep up on an issue and not have to deal with everything all at once. I have found it to be most effective to add one new detail at a time so we make sure we are clearing as much as we can about one aspect before we move on to the next aspect. The nice thing about doing work in this fashion is we can create extreme scenarios without having to place ourselves in any sort of danger. Kelly may never experience everything going wrong at once, but we can pretend that that is what it is going to be like. As we saw above, this doesn’t mean that we are going to be symptom-free when we step into the situation, but we are going to deal with it in a better way.

Being Calm At Work
As more time passed it became easier and easier for Kelly at work. In addition to the weekly tapping we were doing, she was also tapping daily before going into work. She wasn’t spending a great deal of time, but just 10 minutes at the beginning of each day. At this point she was very familiar with the different aspects so she knew what to tap on. She reported that the calm now lasted through most of the morning. Most days as the afternoon got busy at the office the feeling of anxiety would come back. Some days it came back as strong as it did when we first started.

Lesson 4: Issues that have taken a lifetime to build are not going to change over night. Yes, we are making progress. Yes, things are better. An issue like general anxiety can knit itself into many parts of our life and isn’t going to be neutralized over night. That doesn’t mean that if we have taken 10 years for an issue to develop that it is going to take 10 years to remove it, but we need to be patient with ourselves and patient with the problem. Healing is a process and a process that we need to give time.

Lesson 5: Persistence pays off! The sessions we were doing weren’t my traditional full one hour sessions and Kelly wasn’t doing tapping work for hours a day. Instead, together and on her own, were doing a little work at a time, just chipping away at the issue. Thirty minutes of more intense tapping with me plus 10 minutes a day was being much more successful than if we just tapped once a week for those same 80 minutes. If you are going after a persistent issue, then being persistent with your tapping is the best way to go.

Naming What Is Going On As It Happens
In a recent session Kelly said, “This week at work when I was feeling really anxious, I decided to write down everything I was feeling in that moment so we could work on it.” This made me so happy because not only was she giving us information that would be helpful in our tapping, but it was also a sign of great progress. She was no longer so overwhelmed by the anxiety. Sure she felt it, but instead just being overwhelmed she was able to think, “Hey, it is happening again. I know what is going on.” When we do this it allows us to do work in the moment, not just after the fact.

Lesson 6: One of the real goals of this type of work is to become observers of our own lives. When we are able to notice our own thoughts and reactions we are able to change them. It is because of the persistence that Kelly had been working with that got her to this moment. She went from only noticing why things were happening at a great distance with the help of a practitioner, to being able to notice what was happening on her own after the fact, and finally to noticing important details in the moment.

Lesson 7: Getting things out of our head is a great way to defuse some of their power. I asked Kelly what it was like to write the symptoms down as she was feeling them. She said that is made some of the anxiety go away. Our minds often act as an echo chamber. As the thought bounces around it gets louder and slightly distorted. This is how we can work ourselves up about some feared event that hasn’t happened. When we get these thoughts out of our mind and observe them in the warm light of day we see they are silly and they lose their power. In Kelly’s case she wrote down that, “It is not safe at work and I need to escape.” The moment she saw that on her note pad she realized that this distorted thought wasn’t true, and so writing it down took some of the power out of the anxiety. Writing down what we are feeling is a great tool. You can take what you have written down and throw it away or you can use it for tapping phrases and then get rid of it. [Tapping and journaling]

Being Frustrated With Not Getting The Tapping To Work Every Time
Right now Kelly is getting through most mornings without a problem. There are still issues most afternoons and she reported that some of the time when she tapped in the afternoon it had little effect and this has hurt her enthusiasm for tapping at work.

Lesson 8: It is very easy to be frustrated with the new normal when we have lost touch with the old normal. In the beginning, for Kelly it was painful just to think about being at work. She is not at the point where most mornings are fine and some afternoons are good. But in the moment of her current frustration she is no longer thinking about the progress. She is only thinking about the feeling she has right now. This is what we all do. We are so engrossed in the emotion of the moment that we forget how far we have come. It is good from time to time to take a step back and see how much progress we have made. This will make it easier for us to move forward.

Lesson 9: Just because something doesn’t work every time doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try it. I wish tapping worked every time for every issue, but that is not the case. But consider this: I have something that is going to work half the time for that feeling of anxiety, it isn’t going to cost you anything, there are no negative side effects, and it will only take 10 minutes. Would you give it a try? When I framed it that way to Kelly she said of course she would. She even conceded that if it only worked one day a week it would be more than worth giving it a try.

Being Frustrated With Progress
This is one thing that Kelly hasn’t experienced. She has kept a very even head all the way through the process. She has recognized how much better her life is and excited to keep working toward more progress. But not everyone does this during the healing process. (I am one of those people who struggle with this!)

Lesson 10: Just because you don’t have total success doesn’t mean that you don’t have success. My friend Dan Cleary [Podcast interview with Dan Cleary] introduced me to the concept of the 10% solution. In a nut shell the 10% solution states that changing an issue 10% to the better can dramatically improve the quality of life. For example, someone who has 10% relief in chronic pain might now be able to sit through a full movie or now go out to dinner with a loved one. Sure they still have pain, but by reducing the pain just 10%, their life is noticeably better.

So often we look at an issue as we either have it or we don’t have it and we fail to realize that by changing the degree we experience something, that this can change our life. If you asked Kelly, “Do you still have anxiety at work?” the answer is obviously yes. This might look like a failure. But she has gone from feeling it every moment of every day to feeling it some afternoons, often to a lesser degree. Is it perfect? Not at all, but it is a major improvement and her life is much better because of it.

It is important that we don’t turn our issues into “we have it or we don’t,” but it is much more important to understand how the issue impacts our life and how we can move to reduce its impact.

Conclusion
Any issue that has knit its way into many parts of our lives is very often going to take time and persistence to knock it out. When we know this, it is possible to stay focused on the task at hand and create a reasonable plan for making the change.

My Favorite Thing My Clients Say During a Session & How You Can Use It To Accelerate Your Healing

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photo by Karen Eliot

I love working with clients. I have learned so much from them. When working with them my favorite thing for them to say is, “I know this has nothing to do with it, but…”

Before we get to that, let’s take a step back.

One of the problems we face when working with an issue is we can get caught in our own story. It is very natural for us to want to know why we are the way we are. This can make it easier to manage what is going on. If we see a cause and effect, then it can give us an entry point to understanding how we can heal.

For example, I was working with a client who had a fear of snakes. When he was 9 years old his older brother threw a snake into his sleeping bag while he was trying to get to sleep. In this case it seemed very reasonable to start our Emotional Freedom Technique/tapping with that memory.

There are other times when the reason we feel the way we feel might not have anything to do with the issue we are working on. We might have an issue speaking in front of a group of people and we are convinced that the reason we have this issue is because when we were 8 years old everyone laughed at us during show-and-tell, therefore speaking in public is no longer safe.

It is perfectly possible that this memory is the root (or one of the roots) to the reason why public speaking is so hard. If we put ourselves in a position to believe that it is the reason for the issue, then we are going to spend a great deal of time on this one memory and not make any progress with our issue because it has little or nothing to do with the issue at hand.

This brings us to my favorite phrase that my clients say. We will be working along at an issue. We will take a moment for them to take a deep breath and consider the progress so far. Out of nowhere my client will say, “I know this has nothing to do with it but . . . ” and they will share a story, memory, or feeling about someone else that up to this point may seem completely unrelated to what we are working on.

The reason I love this SO much is because there is a reason that this came up now. When we are focused, our mind doesn’t have a tendency to wander unless there is good reason. If my client says it has nothing to do with what is going on, more than likely it has everything to do with what is going on.

This does not mean that we need to abandon the path we had been following up to this point with the issue, and it does not mean that this new piece of information is the only piece of information that is important. It is just something that we need to pay attention to.

If you yourself or one of your clients are tapping on an issue and something comes up that seems to have nothing to do with the issue at hand, don’t dismiss it. Instead, take some time to thoughtfully consider why that sort of issue would come up. Just because it has come to mind doesn’t mean that it does in fact have something to do with the core issue that you are after, but there is a reason that it has come forward. If you don’t know why it has come to mind just ask, “Boy, that is an odd thought. Why did that come to mind right now? What does this have to do with the issue at hand?” You might be surprised at the healing you and/or your client will be able to find your way to.

Is It Weird If I Say “Is it weird if I . . . ?”

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[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind, thereby giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]


photo by Hernán Kirsten

Sometimes the words we use to describe a problem do not prove to be helpful in the process of us getting what we really want or need. Here is a perfect example of asking the wrong question about our situation and how we can easily change the question to make a big difference.

When asking for advice, one of my clients, “Cathy” almost always starts off by querying, “Is it weird if . . . ?” For example:

  • Is it weird if I stop doing online dating?
  • Is it weird if I like to eat out alone?
  • Is it weird that I want to change jobs in such a tough economy?

The questions as listed above are about what is normal and what is not normal, AKA “weird.” The problem with these questions is that they set us up to become unnecessarily subject to how the world perceives our choices. In other words, these questions do not leave room for decision-making that is based on what is best for us.

Many times in my life I have done things that the world would see as weird (e.g., leaving full-time computer science, getting rid of everything I owned and living out of my car for 18 months, dying my hair blue). In most of these cases where I have done things that are not normal it has worked out for me.

I am not saying that we can simply ignore what the world thinks is normal. There is often some wisdom in normal. It is weird to eat glass for breakfast, drive the whole way to work in reverse, and listen to ABBA. However, whether something is normal or weird simply can’t be the only question being asked to see if something is right.

A much more useful way to start these questions is to ask, “Is it in my best interest in the short and long term for me to . . . ?”

Yes, that is a little wordy, but you get the idea. By reshaping the question we are now moving from what is culturally normative to something much more important, what is best for me.

The transformation looks something like this:

  • Is it weird if I stop doing online dating? If you want to find a mate yes. One in five relationships start online
  • Is it right for me stop doing online dating? Yes. I have given it an honest effort. It is just too much work right now and I am not meeting the type of person I want right now. Maybe it will be right for me in the future.
  • Is it weird if I like to eat out alone? Yes, eating out is about being with others. Eating out alone seems sad.
  • Is it right for me to eat out alone? Sure. I haven’t had time to shop this week, I love this restaurant, and I am an introvert and get energy from spending time with my own thoughts.
  • Is it weird that I want to change jobs in such a tough economy? Yes. You should be grateful for what you have. Others are struggling.
  • Is it right for me to want to change jobs in such a tough economy? Yes. Just because it is hard over all doesn’t mean that there isn’t something better out there for me. Wanting better for myself is not wanting worse for others.

Remember, it is not about what the world thinks, but about what is best for you.

How To End A Session Part 2 – Stating Insight

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photo by jinjian liang

In “How to End a Tapping Session” I shared a tapping pattern I use at the end of an Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) session that helps the healing process to continue throughout the day.

In addition to setting up the body’s energy system to continue the healing process throughout the day, it also is very helpful to restate all that we learned and achieved during this tapping session.

When we are tapping we are engrossed in the process. We are tuning-in to the emotions and memories that are coming up and we trust ourselves to come up with the right phrases and images. I know that when I am in the middle of tapping for myself that I am not fully consciously aware of everything I am thinking and saying.

I have found it very helpful at the end of a session to take a few moments to consider what I have learned (or relearned) during the session. I have found this is a great way to reinforce the work and sometimes I find affirmations that I can use to tap on at a later date.

The process is very simple. I keep tapping and I have myself finish these three statements.

During this tapping session I learned the following about myself. . .

During this tapping session I learned the following about my system . . .

During this tapping session I learned the following about my relationships . . .

I use each of the phrases three or four times each. Each time I come up with a new insight. Sometimes the insights come right away. Other times I need to pause for a few moments for my thoughts to come together.

It only takes a minute or two and it can make a big difference in helping the changes and benefits from one tapping session have a more lasting effect, and you will be surprised with the wisdom you have uncovered during the session.

Three Steps to Letting Go of Your Unwanted Story

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[Note From Gene: Here is a great article from Chip Engelmann. It is very easy for us to get caught up in our own story. There are time when I am working with clients in which I can almost hear them hitting play as they start to tell me the pre-recorded message that is their. The issue has moved from just being an issue to the clients identity. Chip explains a nice little three step process to get out of our own story to start the healing.]


photo by Michelle W

As I have mentioned before, emotions themselves are neither good or bad. They feel good if the thoughts you are thinking are in alignment with how you want your life to be, or they feel bad if you are thinking thoughts about things that you do not want in your life.
Our thoughts create our world. Our emotions tell us whether our thoughts are creating the world we want or not.
It is our thought habits that keep us “stuck.”

That’s right. You can tap until you have furrows, but if you don’t change unwanted habits of thought, your situation will remain what it is. You might feel better for a while, but the more you repeat these thoughts, the more likely you will feel worse again. It might even seem like EFT or Light Tapping isn’t working, but that is not what is happening.

The truth is you are a being of light and love that believes a story.

Your story is another word for your habits of thought. The more you tell an unwanted story about what is “real” for you, the more difficult it will be for you to make a change.

Here are some examples of stories.

  • I can never commit to a relationship because my mother abandoned me.
  • I was programmed to believe that rich people are evil.
  • I have low self-esteem because my father always criticized anything I did.
  • I can’t because I’ve been diagnosed with asthma, arthritis, anxiety…
  • I’ll never love again.
  • I can just look at dessert and it goes straight to my hips.

The stories of themselves are neither good or bad. At some point in your life, you created your story because it felt better to do so. It served you for a while, but now you want a different story. In that way it is very similar to a sentinel. The difference is that while the sentinel is an energetic vibrational field that is emotional in its make-up, a story is an energetic vibrational field that is thought-based.

The good news is you can use meridian tapping to help you release these stories. There are three parts to this process.

1) You appreciate the story for how it has served you.

2) You release your attachment to the story. In previous articles and posts I have commented that different emotions tell us different things. Sadness indicates you have an attachment. So you tap on the sadness of releasing your story.

Even though I am sad to see my [mother abandoned me] story go – it is like an old friend, it kept me safe, it served me well – I deeply and completely accept myself.

3) You release the fear of not having your story around. It is scary to step outside the comfort zone of your story. The story was safe and familiar. You may not like the results you are getting in your life, but at least you are accustomed to them.

Even though I’m afraid to release my [mother abandoned me] story – I’m afraid of how I will feel, I’m afraid I won’t know how to react – I deeply and completely accept myself.

Now thank your story once more and allow it to return to the Source. It should leave completely.

If it does not, ask it what needs to happen before it can leave. There will be some emotion or fear that it is still protecting you from. Tap on this emotion. If you get a vague answer like, “I’m protecting you from yourself,” then ask, “What is it you are afraid I’ll do?”
Continue asking the story what it needs in order to leave, until it is completely gone.

Coming Up With A More Accurate Description of How You Feel: Part 3 Physical and Emotional Needs

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photo by Scott Ableman

We know the more specific we are when describing the issue, the faster we are going to find relief. Sometimes we think we are being specific when we really are not being as specific as possible.

Most of the time when I am working with a client and I ask them how they are feeling at any given point in the session I am given a one-word answer. “Angry.” “Sad.” “Confused.” I normally will ask a follow-up question along the lines of “[insert emotion] how?”

The reason I do this is because there are many different shades to emotions. There is “angry = I need space” and “angry = I need to punch the wall.” The clearer we are with the particular shade of the emotion, the easier it is going to be to clear it out.

Below you will find a list of physical and emotional needs created by The Center For Nonviolent Communication. This list can be very helpful when you are trying to describe what you would like to achieve. It is not enough to say, “I want to be happy.” Figure out what happy means to you. I would keep this list handy when tapping. Just read through the list and see which emotions ring true at the moment.

[h/t to Rod Sherwin’s blog for pointing out this resource.]

CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect		 CONNECTION continued
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and be understood
trust
warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water

 HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence

PLAY
joy
humor

PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order

AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity

 MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505-244-4041

The Danger Of The Word “Need”

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photo by Omar MK

[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind, thereby giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]

Because of my training in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), I listen very closely to the words that people use. My clients find this skill very useful because it is helpful in finding the logical errors in their speech which, in turn, helps us to find root causes of core issues. My friends, on the other hand, simply find it annoying (kind of like the verbal grammar police).

One of the words that I always focus-in on is the word “need”. Very rarely when we use the word “need” do we mean “need”.

Recently Leo Babauta wrote very elegantly on the topic of need on his blog Minimalist in the article Letting Go of Fake Needs:

Our lives are filled with things we need to do. Until we look a little more closely at those needs.

Think about what needs you might have: the need to check your email every 15 minutes, or empty your inbox, or read all your blogs, or keep something perfectly neat, or dress to work in the latest fashions. The need to constantly badger your kids about things, or control your co-workers, or meet with everyone who wants a meeting, or be wealthier and wealthier, or own a nice car.

Where do these types of needs come from? They’re completely made up.

Sometimes the needs are created by society: the industry you’re in requires you to work until 9 p.m. or dress in impeccable suits. Your neighborhood has certain standards and if you don’t have an impeccable lawn and two BMWs in the driveway, you’ll be judged. If you don’t have the latest iPhone, you won’t have your geek cred or status symbol, and you’ll be jealous of those who do.

Sometimes the needs are made up by ourselves: we feel the urge to check our emails or RSS feeds or news websites or text messages or Twitter accounts constantly, even though there is no negative societal or work consequences if we don’t keep up with them. We want a perfectly made up bed even if no one else cares. We want to create a list of goals in life or for the year and achieve every one of them, even if nothing bad will happen if we don’t achieve most of them.

This article clearly points out one of the ways we use the word “need” inaccurately. Most of the time when we use the word “need” we mean “really want.”

The problem with the word “need” isn’t a problem of communication with others. When you say, “I need a cup of coffee,” I don’t think you need coffee to live the same way you need oxygen to live. I know you are really saying, “I would really, really like a cup of coffee and the quality of my life will improve in the short term with a cup of coffee.”

The real problem with the word “need” is a problem of communication with ourselves. When we say we need something our system responds by trying to fill that desire as if it were an absolute.

If we take the body’s need for oxygen as an extreme example, we can quickly see how this can cause problems. When the body is without oxygen it will do anything it can to get it. Try to prevent your body from getting oxygen. No matter how hard you try you can’t prevent your system from trying to get oxygen.

Even if you go under water to prevent getting oxygen, at a certain point the system is going to force your mouth open in an attempt to get what it needs. Obviously, in the example of being under water it is not going to work, as you will suck water into your lungs. Even with the conscious knowledge that opening your mouth under water to get oxygen is not only going to not give you oxygen, but will be harmful to your health, your system’s real need forces you to do it.

Our subconscious mind is very literal. It doesn’t understand nuance. It doesn’t understand the difference between “need” and “really, really want.” Each time we speak a desire we are giving a command to our system.

  • “I need coffee to get going in the morning.”
  • “I need to get this done before I move forward.”
  • “I need to get rid of this debt before I can start a long term relationship.”

With each of these statements you are creating a contract with yourself that part of your system is going to want to live up to. I am not saying that the entire system is going to spend all of its resources to live-up to these contracts the same way the system seeks oxygen, but it is going to strive to fulfill this named need.

Here is how the system responds to these simple statements.

  • I am going to spend part of my time and attention on finding coffee regardless what task is in front of me. AND, I am not going to believe I am not happy and ready for the day without coffee.
  • I am going to ignore any and all opportunities that present themselves for me to move towards my goals until I get everything done I feel I need to get done.
  • I am not going to start dating and sabotage any and every relationship until I get rid of this debt.

In all three examples there is a kernel of truth. A small caffeine boost can be helpful to start the day, being distracted by future projects can hinder us from getting done what needs to be done, and it is good to start a long-term relationship without a lot of personal debt.

I know you consciously understand these statements are not truly absolute terms.

The system doesn’t notice these subtleties and this is where the problems begin.

To solve this problem all you need to do is pay attention to what you are saying. Every time you use the word “need,” transform the statement into a more accurate statement.

  • Most mornings I feel a lot better after my first cup of coffee. Today I have a feeling I will feel better after having some coffee.
  • It is really important that I don’t get too wrapped-up in future projects while I still have tasks to get done.
  • It would be really nice to start my next long-term relationship without a huge amount of debt hanging over my head.

Those changes seem very small, but they make a big difference in the way we respond to our day.

If this is something you sometimes struggle with, here is a way you can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping to respond:

I say the phrase “I need” a lot . . . in most cases I don’t really mean that I need something . . . but instead I really want something . . . I know there is a difference between these two ideas . . . but sometimes my system doesn’t know the difference . . . there are going to be times in the future where I will say “I need” when what I really mean is “I want” . . . that is okay . . . right now my goal is just to be more observant of my speech . . . when I say “I need” I am going to take a minute to rephrase what I mean . . . by saying what I really mean . . . as I start to see the way I use the word “need” I am going to get better and better about what I am saying . . . as I start to describe my wants better . . . then I am going to set myself up for success . . . it is okay that I said “I need” too much in the past . . . now is the time to be more accurate with what I say . . . as I change this it will make moving forward easier and easier.

Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto

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After months of work it is finally here: “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto”

A manifesto is nothing more than a statement of beliefs. This is what I believe about the healing process. This is not about tapping the tool, but what happens when we heal and transform. This is how I think when I am working with clients.

You can download the pdf or mp3 book for free here:

PDF Book Version (updated 10/25/2010)

Recuperando el Ser – Un Manifiesto de Sanación Español PDF “Traducido por Vera C. Malbaski” (Thanks to Vera! )

Audio Book Version (updated 10/15/2010)

* * *

Who “Recover Self – A Healing Manifesto” is For:

This if for anyone who is interested in transforming their lives, healing past wounds, and people who are trying to understand how this process happen. If you want to understand yourself a little better it is for you.

What You Will Learn In “Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto”:

  • Why you stop the healing process even when you know the steps you should take
  • Why others don’t want you to heal
  • The two categories that all healing falls into
  • What you need to know (and what you don’t need to know) to heal
  • How to stop fighting yourself and start healing

* * *

Like it? See something that is miss? Am I Wrong?

1) Let me know what you think in the comment section.

2) Tell a friend, a loved one, a client, your mailing list, or your enemies. This is free so tell the world about it. It would mean a lot to me.

Announcement

Thoughts on Surrogate Tapping By Gwyneth Moss

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Gwyneth Moss is an EFT Master and Trainer based in Yorkshire, United Kingdom. She currently offers EFT Level 1, 2 and 3 Workshops in the UK and for EFTUniverse in San Francisco, California.

photo by Stefano Corso

In Gary Craig’s retirement blog he said there are two things about EFT “What it does and Where it points” and that Surrogate Tapping is leading us to “Where it points.” When I first found EFT, the tapping itself was weird enough for me and the idea that you could tap on your own face and something would change for someone else at a distance was just too woo-woo.

However for the last few years I have been intrigued by experiences and stories of distant work. My first experience was when a passenger in heavy rush hour traffic in the centre of Manchester and my friend Masha who was driving complained of a 10/10 headache like a vice. Almost as a joke I started tapping on myself whilst she concentrated on navigating the crowded narrow streets. To the amazement of both of us her headache eased to a 6 then a 2 and then she forget it had ever been there.

Later I designed a group exercise to teach EFT Practitioners how to work with groups and deliver the borrowing benefits instructions. To illustrate that it does not matter who we borrow benefits from or how unrelated their problem, I had a member of the group role play their pet whist we all tapped along. My expectation that anything would change for the pet was close to zero. However if you read Two Cats and a Puppy (pdf), you can read the full story of Oscar the cat and how the tremor in his tail disappeared.

These tapping circles with animal role play continued and a succession of animals changed their behaviour. From this and with my colleague Heather Smiles who does marvelous work tapping for horses, we developed a three stage protocol for surrogate tapping using animals as our teachers. The three stages we call “talk about,” “talk to,” and “talk as.”

The three stages are designed to get you out of the way and gently increase the connection to the other’s energy. Here I’d simply like to share some of our learnings:

  1. Get yourself out of the way. Work first on your own stuff about wanting or needing change in the other. You have to simply get out of the way and let healing flow through you. This is not about your agenda. You are not out to “fix” someone. You are simply offering healing that they can accept or not. Think of it as a means of loosening an energetic stuckness around the person. Be unattached to the outcome. When that stuck energy starts to move the change will be how they choose to use that for themselves. It may not be the outcome you desire.
  2. Allow the words to come to you in a stream of consciousness. Don’t think about it or analyze. What comes may surprise you or be unexpected, that’s ok and if you feel like you are making it up then that is ok too. Let yourself pretend.
  3. Do not lead or use positive suggestion or over optimistic reframes. Stick to simple EFT, being specific and cleaning up all aspects. With animals the times it has not worked is when there has been direct suggestion of change – leading. Try to find or imagine earlier events, in what context would this behavior or emotion make sense.
  4. Start by telling the story, the facts and the feelings about the other, talk in the third person as you tap on yourself. That may lead you to having an imaginary dialogue as you talk to them, allow some silences for the responses and again let yourself pretend or make it up. And keep tapping.
  5. Don’t go to the first person “talk as” tapping unless you intuitively feel an open door, an energetic permission. Trust your intuition. And don’t worry if that door feels closed just continue with the “talk about” and “talk to” tapping, that is often sufficient. If you efforts are perceived as unwanted or you are working to your own agenda at best you will get nowhere at worst you may get an energetic kick back.
  6. Be relaxed and don’t go looking for changes after your tapping to “prove” that it worked. Sometimes the change may be something other that that which you directly tapped for.
  7. Find someone to partner you. It’s a good idea to do surrogate tapping together with a partner and this is how we teach it in the workshops. One of you manages the content by telling the story or role playing. The other of you manages the EFT process by asking simple questions, identifying aspects, testing and keeping the flow going.

What more info on surrogate tapping:

Coming Up With A More Accurate Description of How You Feel: Part 2 Positive Emotions

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photo by Thai Jasmine

We know the more specific we are when describing the issue the faster we are going to find relief. Sometime we think we are being specific when we really aren’t as specific as we can be.

Most of the time when I am working with a client and I ask them how they are feeling at any give point in the session I am given a one-word answer. “Angry.” “Sad.” “Confused.” I normally will ask a follow up question along the lines of “[insert emotion] how?”

The reason I do this is because there are many different shades to emotions. There is “angry=I need space” and “angry =I need to punch the wall.” The clearer we are with the particular shade of the emotion the easier it is going to be to clear it out.

Below you will find a list of positive emotions created by The Center For Nonviolent Communication. This list can be very helpful when you are trying to describe what you would like to achieve. It is not enough to say “I want to be happy.” Figure out what happy means to you.. I would keep this list handy when tapping. Just read through the list and see which emotions ring true at the moment.

[h/t to Rod Sherwin’s blog for pointing out this resource.]

AFFECTIONATE
compassionate
friendly
loving
open hearted
sympathetic
tender
warm

ENGAGED
absorbed
alert
curious
engrossed
enchanted
entranced
fascinated
interested
intrigued
involved
spellbound
stimulated

HOPEFUL
expectant
encouraged
optimistic

 CONFIDENT
empowered
open
proud
safe
secure

EXCITED
amazed
animated
ardent
aroused
astonished
dazzled
eager
energetic
enthusiastic
giddy
invigorated
lively
passionate
surprised
vibrant

 GRATEFUL
appreciative
moved
thankful
touched

INSPIRED
amazed
awed
wonder

JOYFUL
amused
delighted
glad
happy
jubilant
pleased
tickled

EXHILARATED
blissful
ecstatic
elated
enthralled
exuberant
radiant
rapturous
thrilled

 PEACEFUL
calm
clear headed
comfortable
centered
content
equanimous
fulfilled
mellow
quiet
relaxed
relieved
satisfied
serene
still
tranquil
trusting

REFRESHED
enlivened
rejuvenated
renewed
rested
restored
revived

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505.244.4041

Coming Up With A More Accurate Description of How You Feel: Part 1 Negative Emotions

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photo by swissrolli

We know the more specific we are when describing the issue the faster we are going to find relief. Sometime we think we are being specific when we really aren’t as specific as we can be.

Most of the time when I am working with a client and I ask them how they are feeling at any give point in the session I am given a one-word answer. “Angry.” “Sad.” “Confused.” I normally will ask a follow up question along the lines of “[insert emotion] how?”

The reason I do this is because there are many different shades to emotions. There is “angry=I need space” and “angry =I need to punch the wall.” The clearer we are with the particular shade of the emotion the easier it is going to be to clear it out.

Below you will find a list of negative emotions created by The Center For Nonviolent Communication. This list can be very helpful when you are trying to describe your emotions. I would keep this list handy when tapping. Just read through the list and see which emotions ring true at the moment.

[h/t to Rod Sherwin’s blog for pointing out this resource.]

AFRAID
apprehensive
dread
foreboding
frightened
mistrustful
panicked
petrified
scared
suspicious
terrified
wary
worried

ANNOYED
aggravated
dismayed
disgruntled
displeased
exasperated
frustrated
impatient
irritated
irked

ANGRY
enraged
furious
incensed
indignant
irate
livid
outraged
resentful

AVERSION
animosity
appalled
contempt
disgusted
dislike
hate
horrified
hostile
repulsed

 CONFUSED
ambivalent
baffled
bewildered
dazed
hesitant
lost
mystified
perplexed
puzzled
torn

DISCONNECTED
alienated
aloof
apathetic
bored
cold
detached
distant
distracted
indifferent
numb
removed
uninterested
withdrawn

DISQUIET
agitated
alarmed
discombobulated
disconcerted
disturbed
perturbed
rattled
restless
shocked
startled
surprised
troubled
turbulent
turmoil
uncomfortable
uneasy
unnerved
unsettled
upset

 EMBARRASSED
ashamed
chagrined
flustered
guilty
mortified
self-conscious

FATIGUE
beat
burnt out
depleted
exhausted
lethargic
listless
sleepy
tired
weary
worn out

PAIN
agony
anguished
bereaved
devastated
grief
heartbroken
hurt
lonely
miserable
regretful
remorseful

SAD
depressed
dejected
despair
despondent
disappointed
discouraged
disheartened
forlorn
gloomy
heavy hearted
hopeless
melancholy
unhappy
wretched

 TENSE
anxious
cranky
distressed
distraught
edgy
fidgety
frazzled
irritable
jittery
nervous
overwhelmed
restless
stressed out

VULNERABLE
fragile
guarded
helpless
insecure
leery
reserved
sensitive
shaky

YEARNING
envious
jealous
longing
nostalgic
pining
wistful

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505.244.4041

Toa Te Ching/Doa De Jing as a tapping tool?

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photo by Bill Anderson

The Toa Te Ching (wikipedia) is one of the few books that I will always own. It is not a book a spend time with daily or weekly for that matter. But from time to time it has been a bedrock of peace in my life.

The Toa Te Ching is an ancient Chinese text that is a collection of 81 short passages. As wikipedia rightly states, “The passages are ambiguous, and topics range from political advice for rulers to practical wisdom for people.”

Some passages are insightful, others are profound, and still others will leave you just scratching your head in bafflement.

The topic of the Toa Te Ching came up during a client session recently. The types of issues we were tapping(EFT) on reminded me of many passages. After the session I dug out my dog-eared and tattered copy. I was amazed at how much peace it brought to tap along to the passages.

Give a try. Just move from tapping point to tapping point while reading aloud.

Just in a quick glance here are some of my favorite passages:

[Note: All experts are from “A New English Version: Toa Te Ching” By Stephen Mitchell]

8
…
When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

9
Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and if will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

27
A good traveler has no fixed plans
and is not intent upon arriving.
A good artist lets his intuition
lead him wherever it wants.
A good scientist has freed himself of concepts
and keeps his mind open to what is.

Thus the Master is available to all people
and doesn’t reject anyone.
He is ready to be use all situations
and doesn’t waste anything.
This is called embodying the light.

….

44
Fame or integrity: which is more important?
Money or happiness: which is more valuable?
Success or failure: which is more destructive?

If you look to other for fulfillment,
you will never truly be fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money,
you will never be happy win yourself.

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way thing are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.

This type tapping isn’t for everyone. This type of tapping isn’t for everyday. I just know some days this type of tapping is the just the thing I need to feel grounded. There are many free translation of the Tao Te Ching on-line.

If you do try this please add the passages that you found helpful in your tapping below in the comments.

Creativity Boosting Techniques That Accelerate Tapping Success (AKA: How To Keeping Tapping When It Gets Boring Or Stale) Part 4 of 4

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[This article is part of a four part series on how to get create with tapping when you are stuck or bored with tapping. A new part willed be added every few weeks. See the parts that have been published so far and check back regularly to see the full series.]

photo by Mike Baird

Mechanically tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very easy thing to do. All you need is to provide stimulus to the tapping points plus tuning into the issue at hand. The tapping part is easy; what can be hard is the tuning in part. Often we are so close to an issue or we have been working on an issue that it is difficult to see it clearly.

In the first three parts of this series we build upon ideas from two articles found on Jeremy Dean’s PSYBlog. In this fourth part we will look at a number of other ways we can get past block and the feeling of tapping staleness.

Obviously not all of these are going to work for every issue, but by having a complete menu to choose from you are going to find new ways to approach the issue.

Take A Break
Sometime we just need to take a break. I have found that if I spend a lot of time with an issue that I need to clear my head so I can have a fresh look at the issue. Sometimes this is as simple as waiting until the next day while other times taking a few days off to clear my head is a really good thing.

A few days break will give you a new perspective and many times it will give you new insights.

Move On To Anther Issues And Come Back To This One
Another way to help with an issue that is stuck or an issue you are bored with is to work on another part of your life. By doing this you will still feel like you are making progress, but will be giving the issue you have been hammering on a rest.

I have also found that many times while working on a second issue I will come to an insight about the first issue.

Remind Yourself Of the Progress You Have Already Made
When we are working on an issue over a longer period of time it becomes very easy for us to forget how far we have come. Often in the moment all we notice is the discomfort we are feeling right now. We are not thinking of it in terms of what the discomfort level use to be.

With clients that I am working with over a longer period of time I find that I am reminding them of their progress about every third or fourth session (because it is so easy to forget how far we have come).

When we recognize how far we have come it makes it much easier to keep moving forward. This is very easy to do. Think about how the issue was when you first started tapping on it. How is the issue changed and how is it the same?

It is vey easy to get caught up in wanted everything to be a one minute metrical. When we take a step back it becomes much easier to see that it might not be happening as fast as we would like, but compared to other possible treatments things are happening quickly.

Take a few moments to just tap on: “I know this is not happening as fast as I would like…But I can see progress is happening…I can see things are getting better…I just need to keep after it…And more progress will come…I give myself permission to be easy with myself in this process.”

Give Someone Else Advice
Sometimes it is much easier to give someone else advice than it is to deal with our own issues. When we are giving advice to someone else we are able to be less emotional and we see things clearer. Take the issue you are dealing with and pretend one of your friends has come to you for advice. What advice would you give them?

Close your eyes and image you are sitting in a coffee with a friend. Image them explaining what is going on. Just listen to yourself respond. This is an easy way to take a step back from your issue and see it in a new way.

Get Outside Help
Sometime we are just too close to an issue to be able to see it clearly. Getting outside help does not me we have failed. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t any good at tapping. It just means that we need some outside help. Many of the clients I work with are very experienced tappers and they do work on their own regularly. They reach out for help when they hit a bit of a wall.

Many times when we reach out for help from some else we get a new perspective on the issue. If this isn’t enough to clear the issue completely, it will give us new information and avenues to pursue.

Tap (And I Mean Just Tap)
I have found it to be very helpful to just tap and I mean to just literally tap. No set up phrases. No images. No NLP techniques. Just tapping.

I do this when I am taking my evening walk or when I am taking a bath or shower. Sometime I will do it while I am watching TV.

My conscious mind has a tendency to monopolize the energy I am putting towards solving my problems. I have found it helpful to let my subconscious do some work on its own.

There has been many times when I am just tapping to nothing in particular that I start to yawn, sigh, and even cry. All signs of progress. I have feel things moving and almost always feel very relaxed at the end of it. This is a great way (and a no pressure way) to feel better.

This is part 1 of a 4 part series. Check out all 4 parts for more creative ideas.

Creativity Boosting Techniques That Accelerate Tapping Success (AKA: How To Keeping Tapping When It Gets Boring Or Stale) Part 3 of 4

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[This article is part of a four part series on how to get create with tapping when you are stuck or bored with tapping. A new part willed be added every few weeks. See the parts that have been published so far and check back regularly to see the full series.]

photo by Brian

Mechanically tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very easy thing to do. All you need is to provide stimulus to the tapping points plus tuning into the issue at hand. The tapping part is easy; what can be hard is the tuning in part. Often we are so close to an issue or we have been working on an issue that it is difficult to see it clearly.

Recently Jeremy Dean’s PSYBlog had a very interesting two part series (via kottke.org) which explored 14 of ways we can become more creative and more efficient problem solvers. In this four part series I am going to explore how we can apply many of these insights to tune into our issues in new ways (plus a few of my own).

Obviously not all of these are going to work for every issue, but by having a complete menu to choose from you are going to find new ways to approach the issue.

Two Problems Are Better Than One (via part 2)

People solve many problems analogically: by recalling a similar old one and applying the same, or similar solution. Unfortunately studies have found that people are poor at recalling similar problems they’ve already solved.

In a counter-intuitive study, however, Kurtz and Lowenstein (2007) found that having two problems rather than one made it more likely that participants would recall problems they’d solved before, which helped them solve the current problem.

So don’t avoid complications, gather them all up; they may well help jog your memory.

How to apply to tapping: As this study points out, sometimes we are not successful by being specific (and something we can’t even get specific). One of the ways I like to deal with this is through a simple basket process.

I close my eyes and start tapping (moving from point to point every few seconds). I take a few deep breaths and imagine a large wicker basket. Then one at a time I place all the issues I am currently working on into the basket. I am not spending a great deal of time going into detail with each issue, but just seeing the general idea of the issue going in. Once I have added everything to the basket I do a number of simple steps.

First, I recognize that all of these issues exist because on some level my system thought they were helpful at some point. I let me system know that many (if not all) of these issues/idea have fulfilled their task and they can move on.

Second, I recognize that many of the ideas/issues are burdens that I have picked up for others. It is a high act of love to pick something up for someone else, but it is a higher act of love to release and heal these burdens.

Finally, I ask the system what insight and information it has to help me get past the issues that are left in the basket. I am often shocked at the amazing insight and information that is brought forward in these moments.

Fight! Fight! Fight! (via part 2)

We tend to think that when people are arguing, they become more narrow-minded and rigid and consequently less creative.

But, according to research by Dreu and Nijstad (2008), the reverse may actually be true. Across four experiments they found that when in conflict people engaged more with a problem and generated more original ways of arguing.

Being in social conflict seems to give people an intense motivated focus. So, to get creative, start a fight.

How to apply to tapping: One of my favorite types of tapping is argument tapping. In argument tapping all you do is give voice to each sides of an argument. As you move from point to point you state the opposing point of view.

For example, if you are trying to decide if you should take a new job you might tap like this:

eb: (con change) I am worried I am not going to like the new job
se: (pro change) But I know I need to leave the job I am in
e: (con change) But you aren’t going to know anyone at the new job
un: (pro change) You didn’t know anyone when you started your current job and you made friends
…

Think Love Not Sex (via part 2)

Forster et al. (2009) found that when experimental participants were primed with thoughts of love they became more creative, but when primed with carnal desire they became less creative (although more analytical).

While it certainly isn’t the first time that love has been identified as a creative stimulus, psychologists have suggested a particular cognitive mechanism.

Love cues us with thoughts of the long-term, hence our minds zoom out and we reason more abstractly and analogically. Sex meanwhile cues the present, leading to a concrete analytical processing style. For creativity, abstraction and analogy are preferred.

How to apply to tapping: Start your tapping sessions on an emotional high. There are couple of ways of doing this. You could either tap to a list of things you are thankful for or you can tap while thinking of the people you love (or both!). (I go into a much large discussion of why this happens in the free audio Gratitdue v. Poverty.)

By taking a few minutes to do this type of tapping you are going to release a great deal of the general edge and emotion you are feeling. By doing this type of work you are clearing some of your emotional clutter which help you to see things clearer which help you see a path to healing much clearer. (Here is another possible way to achieve the same thing in the free audio Clearing The Deck

This is part 1 of a 4 part series. Check out all 4 parts for more creative ideas.

“…and I choose this for my reality!”

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[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]

One of the common mistakes we make when assessing a situation is making a generalizations. We say things like, “Everyone at work hates me!” or “Nothing I do is good enough for my boss!” It is obvious with a few moments of reflection that these statements aren’t true. Sure, there might be one or two people at work we don’t get along with, but it is not “everyone”.

The problem with these types of generalizations is they move us to a place were we are responding to them as if they were true. (The words we say out loud have that much power.)

If I walk into my workplace believing that everyone hates me I am going to act in a particular way. If I walk into my workplace believing that I don’t get along with Bill and Mary. I am going to act in a different way.

In the first situation I am going to come in ready for a fight at every turn while in the second situation I am going to know the two people I need to avoid through out the day if it is possible. Those are two dramatically different emotional states.

In addition to the generalization that we can have about what others think and feel we can also fall into the trap of generalization about ourselves. For example we can have generalization about our own actions and outcomes, “I fail at everything I try!”

One of the most troublesome of these generalizations about ourselves we can have is when we assign a characteristic of a group to ourselves. These types of generalizing can be about (but not limited to) our gender, race/ethnicity, age, job, and family. For example:

  • You know that men aren’t very good with talking about their emotions.
  • You know how fiery the Irish can be.
  • People my age can’t learn all this new technology.
  • EFT practitioners are just bad at marketing themselves.
  • The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships.

These types of generalization (like all generalization) often have a seed of truth in them. They become problematic when they are taken as total truth.

If I believe that, “The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships” then it is going to be very easy for me on a subconscious level to sabotage myself. Because I “know” it isn’t going to work out in the end I might as well end it now to avoid future pain.

It is amazing how a simple statement that we would just toss off as a fact the same way we would say “It is sunny today” can so dramatically affect our behavior.

I have found a very simple way that we can take the power out of these phrases. We can do this by bring our own responsibility to these statements. All we need to do is add, “…and I choose this as my reality” to the end of the phrase. When we do this we are changing from a member of a group with a characteristic (which we are a victim of) to being a person who is choosing our own reality.

Notice how much different each of these phrase feel when we add that phrase on to the end:

  • You know that men aren’t very good with talking about their emotions and I choose this as my reality.
  • You know how fiery the Irish can be and I choose this as my reality.
  • People my age can’t learn all this new technology and I choose this as my reality.
  • EFT practitioners are just bad at marketing themselves and I choose this as my reality.
  • The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships and I choose this as my reality.

When we choose something it means that we can change it. I am not longer at the mercy of the whims of fate, but I am back in control. If I want to keep that as my reality, great(!), but it is my choice. If I want to be something else I can choose that as well. When we take responsibility for our situation then we control our situation. When we control our situation we can become who we want to be.

Creativity Boosting Techniques That Accelerate Tapping Success (AKA: How To Keeping Tapping When It Gets Boring Or Stale) Part 2 of 4

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[This article is part of a four part series on how to get create with tapping when you are stuck or bored with tapping. A new part willed be added every few weeks. See the parts that have been published so far and check back regularly to see the full series.]

photo by Ali Edwards

Mechanically tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very easy thing to do. All you need is to provide stimulus to the tapping points plus tuning into the issue at hand. The tapping part is easy; what can be hard is the tuning in part. Often we are so close to an issue or we have been working on an issue that it is difficult to see it clearly.

Recently Jeremy Dean’s PSYBlog had a very interesting two part series (via kottke.org) which explored 14 of ways we can become more creative and more efficient problem solvers. In this four part series I am going to explore how we can apply many of these insights to tune into our issues in new ways (plus a few of my own).

Obviously not all of these are going to work for every issue, but by having a complete menu to choose from you are going to find new ways to approach the issue.

Path Of Most Resistance (via part 1)

When people try to be creative they usually take the path of least resistance by building on existing ideas (Ward, 1994). This isn’t a problem, as long as you don’t mind variations on a theme.

If you want something more novel, however, it can be limiting to scaffold your own attempts on what already exists. The path of most resistance can lead to more creative solutions.

◊ For insight: because it’s the path of least resistance, every man and his dog is going up and down it. Try off-road.

How to apply to tapping: One of the reasons I love EFT/tapping is because we can gently creep up on an issue. We don’t have to throw ourselves right in the middle of the emotion to do work. Sometimes we can prevent our own progress because we are proceeding so cautiously that we aren’t making any progress at all.

If this is case you might consider going all the way and really getting after an issue. There are some obvious risks to taking this approach. If we dive in headfirst we get into an emotional state that is overwhelming which prevents any progress at all or we could open an emotional issue that we then carry with us for a great deal of time after our tapping time.

I would only recommend this type of approach with a skilled practitioner. Being a skilled practitioner is more than just being able to lead clients to healing, but also being able to recognize possible pit falls helping you to prevent them or to pull you back when you have become consumed with your emotions.

Re-Conceptualisation (via part 1)

People often jump to answers too quickly before they’ve really thought about the question. Research suggests that spending time re-conceptualising the problem is beneficial.

Mumford et al. (1994) found that experimental participants produced higher quality ideas when forced to re-conceive the problem in different ways before trying to solve it. Similarly a classic study of artists found that those focused on discovery at the problem-formulation stage produced better art (Csikszentmihalyi & Getzels, 1971).

◊ For insight: forget the solution for now, concentrate on the problem. Are you asking the right question?

How to apply to tapping: We become very comfortable with our own story. When someone asks about the work we do we can effortlessly jump in to a quick description of our work. The same is true with our family, our significant other, where we grow up and the like.

It is no different with the issues of our lives, especially for the ones that have been present for many years. There a times in client session where I can hear my client hit the play button to start to tell me the story they have told many times before. The have told the story (“I all started when I was 7…”) so many times that they aren’t even listening to the words they say. It just becomes automatic.

These stories about our issues might have been true at one point, but as more time passes and we keep telling the same story it is less and less likely to be accurate. If you find yourself in this type of rut I would recommend two tactics.

First, retell your story (your explanation of why you are the way you are), but think about every statement to see if they are true. I am not just talking about the fact as we know them, but also (and most importantly) the motivation we have assigned to others peoples acting.

For example, it is true a co-worked showed up 10 minutes late to the meeting. When I tell the story I say that Sally showed up to the meeting 10 minutes late because she doesn’t respect me. The second part of that statement might or might not be true. If we have been telling the story for a while we probably are just taking it as fact and no longer looking to if it is true.

Take every part of your story/explanation a take it apart to see what it is true and what is not.

Second, image what it would be like to re-explain the situation to someone who has no understand of what is going on. I often do this were I image I am explain the situation to an alien from another plant who has just made it to Earth. Since they have no understanding of how humans behave I need to be very clear in articulating everything that is going on. I can’t assume they know anything at all. This will force me to look at each of the statements in detail which will provide me the opportunity to see things in a new way.

Counterfactual Mindset (via part 2)

Conjuring up what might have been gives a powerful boost to creativity.

Markman et al. (2007) found that using counterfactuals (what might have happened but didn’t) sometimes doubled people’s creativity. But counterfactuals work best if they are tailored to the target problem:

  • Analytical problems are best tackled with a subtractive mind-set: thinking about what could have been taken away from the situation.
  • Expansive problems benefited most from an additive counterfactual mind-set: thinking about what could have been added to the situation.

How to apply to tapping: You can use this approach for things that have happened in the past, things that are happening right now, or things that might (!) happen in the future.

All you need to do is replay in your mind the situation while making a few changes. You can do this in both a subtractive and additive way. You can add resources or people to the image. This would look like imagining the same situation unfolding taking out or adding one or two people. How would things be different with these changes?

When we do this we will see our current issues in a new light, gain insight in to new outcomes, and/or see the root issue in a new way.

This is part 1 of a 4 part series. Check out all 4 parts for more creative ideas.