Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

5 Regrets Of The Dying – Tap For Them Now So You Don’t Have Them Later

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photo by Takras

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”.

With any thought, none of these seem very surprising. They even sound a little clichéd, but clichés are clichés for a reason.

Here are the five most reported regrets at death according to Bronnie. I have added tapping scripts for each.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

There are so many expectations placed on me…what I need to do…and who I need to be…some of these come from my family…some of these come from my friends…some of these come from cultural norms…and some come from what I think the right and proper thing to do…even if I don't know where these ideas come from…but there is a better way…there is a life that I want to live…that is the right life for me…I am not saying it is the right life for everyone else…I just know it is the right life for me…There is a part of me that is worried that if I follow the path that is right for me that I am going to let others down…I am going to disappoint loved ones…they might even get mad at me…tell me that I am foolish…and even cut me out of their lives…but I know that I am not going to be truly happy until I follow my own path…I give myself permission to start to pursue my own path…to become who I want and need to be…I know there are reasons that others have a view of what my life should be…but I need to make the right choices for me…I give myself permission to move forward toward the life I know is right for me…even if I don't have a clear vision of exactly what that is…or exactly how to get it…I need to start moving towards the life that is right for me…I don't need to live for other people…I need to start living for me…I need to start moving towards the life I want to live…it doesn't matter that I haven't started yet…it is not too late.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

I take a lot of pride in how hard I work…I know working hard is important…and when I say work I don't just mean the job I do…I work hard in lots of areas of my life…there is value in working hard…there is value taking pride in the work I do…for generations people have put value in how hard we work…I know my parents talked about hard work…it can be embarrassing to look like I am taking the easy way out…it can be embarrassing to know that people around me are working harder that I am…it is like I am not carrying my weight…like I am not carrying the same amount as others…if I am not working hard…I must be a slacker…but there are a number of things that I work hard to do that it would be ok if I didn't do them…or if I didn't work as hard at them…when I work hard I do it so I can take care of my family…so I can provide for myself…to get ahead…and so that I can be recognized by others as doing a good job…but there are a number of things that I work hard at that no one notices…there are things that I work hard at that aren’t really important in the long term…it is not going to be the end of the world if I don’t stay late at work tonight…it is not going to be the end of the world if I don’t clean every part of the house before my guests get here…it is not going to be the end of the world if I take it a little easy…Most of the time when I work hard other people don’t notice…and when they think I am not working hard enough…they feel bad because they aren’t willing to work less hard…and they blame me by calling me a slacker…because they feel bad that they didn’t choose to work less hard…hard work is a value..hard work is important…but it is not the only value…and it is not the most important value…I give myself permission to not work so hard…there are many other things in life I need to enjoy.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Sometimes it can be hard to express my feelings…I am afraid that I am going to be judged…I am afraid that others are going to make fun of me…I am afraid that I am not going to be heard…I am afraid that I am going to be misunderstood…I am afraid that I am going to be ignored…I am afraid that I am going to share something and it is going to be used against me in the future…I know that when I express my feelings I am better understood…I know that when I express my feelings I let people know who I really am…I know that when I express my feelings it gives others permission to do the same…I know that when I express my feelings things don’t get built up in my head…I know that when I express my feelings my thoughts don’t bounce around the echo chamber that is my head and get distorted into much worse thoughts….this does not mean that I am going to tell everyone everything…this does not mean that I always wear my emotions on my sleeve…this only means that I know that there are people in my life it is safe to share my emotions with…I know there are people in my life who will hear what I have to say with an open heart…I know there are relationships that will grow and deepen if I take some time and share my emotions…I give myself permission to share what I am feeling more…I give myself permission to know it is healthy for me to share my emotions more.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

There are lots of people who used to be in my life who I am no longer in touch with…some have moved away…some I no longer work with…and others have just drifted away because of the business of life…I enjoy their company…some make me happy…some challenge me…some are funny…and some I have a great deal of history with…I know life is really busy…I know their lives are really busy…but I get so much out of the time I spend talking with them or being with them…Yes, it is hard to make time…but I know there are people who I need to reconnect with…I know it is hard to find an hour to call them…or a few hours to visit them…but I know it will be worthwhile to carve out time to reconnect…it will strengthen our connection…and it will be good for me…it will be good for them…There are people in my life who I haven't lost touch with…but I don't see them as much as I would like…I give myself permission to make it a priority to connect with them…I give myself permission put other things aside to spend time with the friends that I love…sure there are things that need to be done around the house…sure there are tasks that need to be done…but the world is not going to end if I don't do them…I need to spend time with the people I love…it will be good for me…it will be good for them…I am not going to feel too bad if I don't get the tasks around the house done…but I am going to regret losing touch with the people I love…I know it should be a priority…and I am going to make it a priority…it isn't the only thing I need to do…and I don't have to doing it all the time…but I need to do it more…it is a priority…I give myself permission to make it a priority.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

On some level I know that my emotions are my choice…I don’t control everything in the world…I don’t control everything that happens to me…but I can control how I react…Being happy is a choice…being happy is something that I can allow myself to do…but there are times where I choose to be serious…there are times where I choose to be in control…I worry that if I allow myself to be happy that I will become content and not try to move forward…I worry that if I allow myself to be happy I will lose focus and not get things done…It is possible to be happy and focused…it is possible to be happy and productive…it is possible to be happy and be safe…I give myself permission to be happy more…it costs me next to nothing to be happy…and it gives me so much…I choose to allow myself to be happier more.

Take one of these scripts right now and tap with it. It will make you feel lighter and help you to get more out of the moment you are living so you have less regret later.

Tap Like Donald Trump: 5 Ways To Love Yourself

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There is no question that Donald Trump's public persona is one in which he thinks a great deal of about himself. I don't think it is a bad thing.

Sometimes I wonder if he is over-compensating for something else by talking such a big game about himself and his success. More than likely that is just my own insecurities being projected ontohis braggadociosness.

When it comes to seeking out teachers and role models for healing, growth, and self love Donald Trump probably isn't in the first six hundred thousand names that would come to mind. Regardless what you think of “The Donald” he reminds us of some great lessons that we can learn about loving ourselves. Here are few of my favorites.

Take a few moments to read through the following quotes and, more importantly (!), take a few moments to tap through the scripts. It will put you in a state of mind that will have your ready to move forward.

[Note: I did the best I could to verify that these are in fact Donald Trump quotes but it is possible that I have misquoted or misattributed some of them.]

“Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly mistaken.”

Every movie has that moment when the main character feels like they have missed their chance. If they would have only said that one thing or done that one thing it would be different.

Inevitably, by the end they have another chance.

We are no different. Our story isn't over. We can love ourselves knowing the story isn't perfect and isn't over.

My story isn't over…it hasn't worked out perfectly to this point…it feels like there are missed opportunities…it feels like these chances will never come again…but my story is not done…I am the author of my life…and I am going to create the ending I want…the fact that I have missed opportunities and made bad choices in the past…will only make it a better story when it all works out the way I want.

“As long as you’re going to be thinking anyway, think big.”

It takes a certain self belief to think we are worthy of better and more. There are few things that I find easier to underestimate than my own worth and ability. The hardest part of change and moving forward is the act of change. We are leaving the familiar and routine.

If we are going to take the effort to change, we might as well make it worthwhile. If we are going to dream we are worthy (and worthy of more) we might as was well go for dreaming big.

I want my life to be better…but sometimes it feels like I am asking for too much…I am dreaming too big…I am worthy of big dreams…it takes the same effort to dream small as to dream big…I give myself permission to dream big…even if I don't get everything in my big dream…I will be closer to what I really want.

“The point is that you can't be too greedy.”

Greedy feels like an ugly word. When we use the word greedy we are usually describing someone who is taking more than they deserve and taking from those in need. This might be true if there was a limit to resources, but there is not. There is more than enough and most of the time when we are adding to our life we are not stealing from others.

It is easy to talk ourselves out of moving forward because we think “we have enough”, “we have more than others”, or “we need to appreciate more what we have.” It is okay to know you are worthy of more. You don't have to call it greedy, it is great that you want better in your life.

I am worried that if I get more in my life people are going to see me as greedy…It is going to look like I think I am better than others…it feels like I am depriving those in need…it feels like I am not appreciative of what I have…It is good that I want more and better in my life…it is good that I know I am worthy of more and better…it is not being greedy…it is becoming who I truly am.

“I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's where the fun is.”

We are not our past. Our past choices have informed who we are. Our past choices have created the current situation of our life. Who we are is the choices we make right now. We can choose to be something we have never been before in a moment.

This isn't always the easiest thing to do, but it is possible. It requires us to love ourselves enough to know we can be different…and we can.

I am not my past…My past informs who I am…My past informs how others see me…My past has helped to create where I am right now…I have learned many things from my past…But I am not my past…I get to be whatever I want in this moment…I don't need to be a prisoner of my past…In this moment I give myself permission to make a new choice…To be someone new…To know that I can take all the lessons from my past…and become someone who I want to be…In this moment…With new choices.

“Part of being a winner is knowing when enough is enough. Sometimes you have to give up the fight and walk away, and move on to something that's more productive.”

I hate failing, especially when I fail in a very public way. We tell our friends what we are going to do and then we bump into obstacles that are unexpected or we realize it isn't what we wanted after all.

When this happens it is really hard to walk away. We have already spent a lot of time working towards to the goal. It will feel like a waste if we walk away. It will feel like we are failure. But it doesn't have to be that way.

It is okay to believe we are better than what we have committed to in the past. If the goal no longer serves us it is okay to let it go. That is not a failure. It is a statement that we are worthy of better than these outdated goals.

It is hard when our plans don't work out…it is hard when we don't reach the goals we have named…but there are going to be things that no longer serve us…It is going to be best for us if we walk away from these past efforts…At the moment it might feel like we have wasted our time…And we need to stick with it because we have invested so much…But in reality we need to move on…To free ourselves up to move closer to the goals that now serve us better…It is okay okey to let old un-useful goals and projects go if they are no longer useful to me…this is for the best…We need to love ourselves enough to let it go…To work towards what is best for us.

* * * *

Now that you have tapped through these 5 scripts there is one more thing you can do to help get more comfortable in your own skin. Take a moment and tap trough these 10 randomly generated phrases. (If you would like more phrases just refresh this web page and will generate ten more.)

Even though I have this issue and I am worried it is never going to change I am willing to accept myself without judgment

I am still a healing person Even though I'm afraid I this won't work and I'll never be well

I know that I can find peace love Even though I have this issue and I'm at my wits end

Even though I have this issue and I am afraid of change I choose to have this issue work to my advantage in an unexpected way

Even though I won't know how to act if I get well I'm willing to consider to the possibility that I can be kind to myself anyway

I am still a good person Even though I have this issue and it feels desperate

Even though I have this issue and I'm at my wits end I'm choosing to have compassion for myself even though I can't yet love and accept myself

Even though I have this issue and I believe I am worthy of better I'm willing to consider to the possibility that I can be kind to myself anyway

Even though this should be working, it's not, and I don't know why I give myself permission to know that I am not going to be stuck here forever

I give myself permission to believe that some day I might think it is possible to not feel this way Even though I have this issue and others judge me for it

What We Can Learn About Healing And Growth From The Actor Who Said “I Am Not Taking That Feedback” To Her Friends And Family

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Riki Lindhome is a delightful actor, comedian, and musician. She has a podcast called Making It in which she interviews actors, directors, stand-up comedians, and casting directors about how their careers have unfolded and what lessons they have learned along the way.

On more than one occasion on the podcast Riki has related a story from the beginning of her own career. Early on she realized that she was a long way from where she wanted to be and her dreams of being a full time actor seemed like a long shot. As she tells it, naturally her confidence wasn’t super high. Friends and family would offer what they thought, were helpful pieces of advice like “Oh that is going to be really hard”, “Make sure you get a good degree” and “Have you considered other careers?”

Riki would tell them, “I am not accepting those statements right now. If you don’t have something that is helpful or encouraging to say you are going to have to keep it to yourself.”

How awesome is that?!?

She had enough sense to see that the things her loved ones were going to say to her were only going to nurture the already planted seeds of doubt and make things even harder.

Our loved ones often say things to us that they believe are helpful, encouraging, or they think by warning us of possible danger they are keeping us safe. In reality they aren’t being helpful, and often make us feel worse than we already feel.

It is good that we have people in our lives who are worried for us and want the best for us. Just because they want the best for us doesn’t mean they know what is best for us or that they are being helpful. We can appreciate their concerns, without, in Riki’s words, “accepting those types of statement at this time.”

Here is a tapping script to help you get into a place where you can let loved ones know you appreciate their concern but that you need to make choices for yourself.

I know the people in my life want what is best for me…They want me to be safe…They want me to be happy…But they want in their terms…They see what is possible through their eyes…They see what is possible through their experience…They don’t know what is right for me…Because I have my own definition of that…This doesn’t mean I know exactly where I am going…This doesn’t mean that I am totally confident in the path I have chosen…But it is my path…That I have chosen for myself…I give myself permission to let the people in my life know that I appreciate that they want what is best for me…I give myself permission to tell the people in my life that at this time their feedback isn’t helpful…I give myself permission to tell the people in my life that I am not accepting any comments from them at this time that are not encouraging…It might be hard to tell my loved ones this…But it is the best thing for me…If they truly want what is best for me…They are going to accept follow my request…I know that from time to time I am going to need to remind them that I am not accepting that type of feedback…But it is the best thing for me…I wouldn’t eat junk food before I run a race…And I am not taking anything that isn’t supportive or healthy for my dreams…I need to choose what I am taking in to make sure I reach my goal.

I would love to hear how loved ones in your life have tried to be helpful but ended up being undermining to you. How did you combat their comments to keep moving in the right direction?

Tap Like Dr. Phil: 5 Ways to Cut Through BS

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I heard Dr. Phil interviewed once and he was talking about how an interviewer was badgering him about the fact that all he does is repeat common sense. His response was, “Thank you very much!”

It is very easy to see Dr. Phil as a clown and a caricature of himself, but I think we dismiss him at our peril. I have always been very impressed with what he has to say and even more impressed with his ability to cut to the chase.

We can make things too complicated (or at least I do). Here are 5 things that Dr. Phil can teach us about tapping and caring for ourselves.

[Note: According to the internet these are all Dr. Phil quotes. I did my best to verify. I apologise if any are misattributed or misquoted.]

“It’s a choice. You just have to decide that I’m not going to put my energy there. I’m going to decide to let this go. It’s your choice. You can embrace it, you can become a prisoner of bitterness and resentment anger and victim city, or you can just say ‘I’m going to live my life and be happy’”

Our emotional state is a choice. I think this statement is often misunderstood. It is not as simple as ‘I want to be happy therefore I will think happy thoughts’. It is much more like being in a new location. If I want to be in my backyard I need to choose to go to the backyard and then decide to stay there. If we don’t like our emotional state we need to do something to make it different.

It is our responsibility to get ourselves to the new emotional state. Sometimes it takes more work to move forward than other times, but it is up to us. The first step is to choose to be emotionally different and start moving. Even if we don’t know how to do it we can start by tapping on:

I know that my emotional state is my choice. . .even if it doesn’t feel like it is in this moment. . .the emotions I am feeling right now are information about how I am experiencing the world. . .I want to do that in a different way. . .I am not sure what the first steps are. . .but recognizing that I have some control is going to make all the difference. . .

This is to get you moving towards the place you want to be, but you must make the choice first that you are going to be in control.

“You generate the results in your life that you believe you deserve.”

I often say to my clients, “It is impossible to receive a gift when you don’t feel you are worthy of it.” If there is a part of you that doesn’t believe you are worthy of something that part is going to sabotage you and prevent it from happening. The first step to getting something new and better is to make sure you feel emotionally worthy of that new and better.

I love starting a tapping session with:

I am worthy of change. . .I am worthy of better. . .I am where I am. . .but that doesn’t mean I have to stay stuck here. . .Even if my choices are what brought me here. . .I am allowed to move on from this. . .I give myself permission to have great vision for my life. . .I am worthy of better. . .I give myself permission to believe in better.

If you are still having trouble with moving past this check out: Layers Of Resistance

“If you want more you have to require more of yourself.”

There are people in your life who want better for you. There are people who are willing to help. But there is only one person who is responsible for your change and transformation: YOU!

Your life is not going to get better just by hoping, wishing, dreaming and visualizing. You have to take action and you have to be taking more action than you are right now. This doesn’t mean you have to do it all in the next three hours. The new action can be as simple as doing 5 minutes of tapping before you go to bed to get a better night’s sleep which will lead to more energy and better choices tomorrow. Just tap like this:

I know I want better. . .I want more. . .I need to be the one who makes this happen. . .I don’t have to do it all by myself. . .I can get help from others. . .It is good that I get help from others. . .but the one person who is most invested in my progress and success is me. . .I deserve to have better and more. . .I need to require more of myself. . .even if it is something small each day. . .I can do it. . .with small steps.

You just need to do something. Expect more of yourself, hold yourself accountable, and do it. (I know you can do it!)

“You can't change what you don't acknowledge.”

A very common question from tapping beginners is “Why do I have to say the negative? I want to focus on the positive!” [for a full discussion on why we use negative phrases and why tapping is needed see Why Do I Have To Tap?]

We can’t change something that we haven’t named. Yes, it sucks to say, write, or mentally admit the things that are wrong in our life. Just the thought of those things can bring us down and sometimes we can slip into wallowing. To have better we have to name what is wrong. If that seems scary here is a way you can tap for it:

Right now I am struggling with a number of things. . .There is a part of me that doesn’t want to admit it is there. . .when I think about what isn’t working I have to admit things are not going right. . .I have to look at the part that is no fun. . .it can pull me down. . .and sometimes I get stuck in negative feelings. . .and it can be hard to crawl out. . .but I am not thinking of what is wrong to just wallow in it. . .I am not thinking of what is wrong to punish myself. . .I am doing it because I know I need to name the areas of my life that need improving before I can change them. . .This is the first step to getting something better. . .As I think of what isn’t working I am going to tap a bit. . .this will help me not slip into an emotional funk. . .I am thinking of what is wrong as a stepping stone to what I want. . .

“The most you get is what you ask for.”

This is true with others and this is true with ourselves. It can be hard to ask for things. We feel like we need do everything on our own, that if we were worthy of something we would make it happen, or if they wanted to help us they would do it without asking.

If you have a hard time asking for help or better it is great tap-able issue. Here is a tap along for just this: What Would I Choose For Today?

Take Action

Regardless of what you think about Dr. Phil his sense of needing to take action, take control, and take responsibility for your life is something we can all strive for. You don't have to do it all at once, but if you take the time to tap to a few of these scripts you will create space to take action.

Do you have a favorite Dr. Phil quote, favorite way of cutting through the BS, or feel one of these quotes motivating you? Let me know below in the comments.

5 Things You Must Know Before Doing EFT With Children and Teens

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photo by Fine Shots

Tapping with children can be a very rewarding experience. In many cases children take to tapping much faster than adults because they are more willing to try new things and aren’t hung up on why something is working. They just want to feel better.

Here are five things to keep in mind when teaching kids to tap. (Note: All five lessons below are hard won. I know them to be true because I have done the opposite of all 5 at one point.)

1) They Are Smarter Than You Think

I recently spoke to 600 middle school students about bullying. To start the presentation I talked about why bullies bully. I talked about what happens on an emotional level and how that affects our choices. At the end of the presentation the children broke up into to small groups with their adults to talk about what they can do to stop bullying in their schools. After the small group time a number of the adults walked up to me to express how surprised they were with the complexity of thoughts the kids had, the emotions they experienced, and how overall thoughtful they were.

Kids don't have the vocabulary to express their emotions and thoughts the way adults do, but they are thinking real thoughts about their lives, their emotions, and who they are. Give them space to talk about their emotions, teach them how to talk about them, and they will surprise you (in really good ways).

2) You Must Be Authentic Or They Will Tune You Out

Kids today are very savvy because of their access to information and technology. They are treated by big business as a market place and they are constantly sold to through TV and online. Because of this they have very sophisticated BS detectors and they can tell when someone is not being authentic with them.

It is very tempting to want to be cool and hip when talking with kids (especially teens), thinking you are “speaking their language”. It is just the opposite. They don't want some line or for you to talk like them. They want someone who is just being who they are, even if that means being your dorky self.

You can’t ask a child to honest with their emotions and be comfortable inside their own skin unless you are willing to try to do the same.

3) Your Job Is To Love Them; Not Be Loved By Them

When we are working with teens or children we are doing it because we want better for them. That is the goal. Nothing more. Nothing less. We are not trying to be their friend and we are not trying to gain their admiration. We have our own friends and peers for that. This doesn't mean that we act like jerks or that we don't care, forgetting to treat them with respect. Sometimes wanting the best for someone is asking them to do difficult things and things they might not enjoy.

To help them heal we need their respect, not their love and affection. It is ok to be comfortable with that notion.

4) Teach Them Tools

Children (and most people) don't care how or why tapping works. They are just looking for something that makes them feel better. When working with kids and teens give them tools. They don't need theory. They want to be better, happier, and healthier. Once they know the tool works they might ask you how it works and why.

I love coming up with little processes that are easy to follow.

For example, a great way for parents to teach kids to tap for themselves is have them tap and explain four things whilst they are tapping.

  • * What was the best part of the day?
  • * What was the worst part of the day?
  • * What are they looking forward to tomorrow?
  • * What are they worried about tomorrow?

Very simple. It is easy to remember and easy to do. Once they have the tools they can take care of themselves.

5) Start With How The Emotions Feel In The Body

As I said above, children (and many adults) don't have the skill or vocabulary to talk about their emotions as emotions. I like to have them talk about how the emotions feel in the body to help them to tune in.

They might not have the vocabulary to talk about the disappointment that comes with poor grades vs. fighting with a friend. They might call both of these emotions “mad”. But if you get them to talk about how it feels in the body they will be able to be more specific. By describing where the emotion is in the body (head, hands, stomach…) and how it feels in these places (heavy, tight, hot…) they will be much more successful with their tapping.

Go For It

You don't have to be perfect when working with teens or children. They are looking for adults who care about them and care about their well being. Show up from a place of love, treat them with respect, and be ready for lots of questions and you will be a great tapping teacher and tapping role model for them.

What have you found works well when tapping with kids? What mistakes have you made from which you have learned? Click here to add your own thoughts and comments or read what others have to say. I would really love to know what you think!