Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

The Danger Of The Word “Need”

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photo by Omar MK

[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind, thereby giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]

Because of my training in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), I listen very closely to the words that people use. My clients find this skill very useful because it is helpful in finding the logical errors in their speech which, in turn, helps us to find root causes of core issues. My friends, on the other hand, simply find it annoying (kind of like the verbal grammar police).

One of the words that I always focus-in on is the word “need”. Very rarely when we use the word “need” do we mean “need”.

Recently Leo Babauta wrote very elegantly on the topic of need on his blog Minimalist in the article Letting Go of Fake Needs:

Our lives are filled with things we need to do. Until we look a little more closely at those needs.

Think about what needs you might have: the need to check your email every 15 minutes, or empty your inbox, or read all your blogs, or keep something perfectly neat, or dress to work in the latest fashions. The need to constantly badger your kids about things, or control your co-workers, or meet with everyone who wants a meeting, or be wealthier and wealthier, or own a nice car.

Where do these types of needs come from? They’re completely made up.

Sometimes the needs are created by society: the industry you’re in requires you to work until 9 p.m. or dress in impeccable suits. Your neighborhood has certain standards and if you don’t have an impeccable lawn and two BMWs in the driveway, you’ll be judged. If you don’t have the latest iPhone, you won’t have your geek cred or status symbol, and you’ll be jealous of those who do.

Sometimes the needs are made up by ourselves: we feel the urge to check our emails or RSS feeds or news websites or text messages or Twitter accounts constantly, even though there is no negative societal or work consequences if we don’t keep up with them. We want a perfectly made up bed even if no one else cares. We want to create a list of goals in life or for the year and achieve every one of them, even if nothing bad will happen if we don’t achieve most of them.

This article clearly points out one of the ways we use the word “need” inaccurately. Most of the time when we use the word “need” we mean “really want.”

The problem with the word “need” isn’t a problem of communication with others. When you say, “I need a cup of coffee,” I don’t think you need coffee to live the same way you need oxygen to live. I know you are really saying, “I would really, really like a cup of coffee and the quality of my life will improve in the short term with a cup of coffee.”

The real problem with the word “need” is a problem of communication with ourselves. When we say we need something our system responds by trying to fill that desire as if it were an absolute.

If we take the body’s need for oxygen as an extreme example, we can quickly see how this can cause problems. When the body is without oxygen it will do anything it can to get it. Try to prevent your body from getting oxygen. No matter how hard you try you can’t prevent your system from trying to get oxygen.

Even if you go under water to prevent getting oxygen, at a certain point the system is going to force your mouth open in an attempt to get what it needs. Obviously, in the example of being under water it is not going to work, as you will suck water into your lungs. Even with the conscious knowledge that opening your mouth under water to get oxygen is not only going to not give you oxygen, but will be harmful to your health, your system’s real need forces you to do it.

Our subconscious mind is very literal. It doesn’t understand nuance. It doesn’t understand the difference between “need” and “really, really want.” Each time we speak a desire we are giving a command to our system.

  • “I need coffee to get going in the morning.”
  • “I need to get this done before I move forward.”
  • “I need to get rid of this debt before I can start a long term relationship.”

With each of these statements you are creating a contract with yourself that part of your system is going to want to live up to. I am not saying that the entire system is going to spend all of its resources to live-up to these contracts the same way the system seeks oxygen, but it is going to strive to fulfill this named need.

Here is how the system responds to these simple statements.

  • I am going to spend part of my time and attention on finding coffee regardless what task is in front of me. AND, I am not going to believe I am not happy and ready for the day without coffee.
  • I am going to ignore any and all opportunities that present themselves for me to move towards my goals until I get everything done I feel I need to get done.
  • I am not going to start dating and sabotage any and every relationship until I get rid of this debt.

In all three examples there is a kernel of truth. A small caffeine boost can be helpful to start the day, being distracted by future projects can hinder us from getting done what needs to be done, and it is good to start a long-term relationship without a lot of personal debt.

I know you consciously understand these statements are not truly absolute terms.

The system doesn’t notice these subtleties and this is where the problems begin.

To solve this problem all you need to do is pay attention to what you are saying. Every time you use the word “need,” transform the statement into a more accurate statement.

  • Most mornings I feel a lot better after my first cup of coffee. Today I have a feeling I will feel better after having some coffee.
  • It is really important that I don’t get too wrapped-up in future projects while I still have tasks to get done.
  • It would be really nice to start my next long-term relationship without a huge amount of debt hanging over my head.

Those changes seem very small, but they make a big difference in the way we respond to our day.

If this is something you sometimes struggle with, here is a way you can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping to respond:

I say the phrase “I need” a lot . . . in most cases I don’t really mean that I need something . . . but instead I really want something . . . I know there is a difference between these two ideas . . . but sometimes my system doesn’t know the difference . . . there are going to be times in the future where I will say “I need” when what I really mean is “I want” . . . that is okay . . . right now my goal is just to be more observant of my speech . . . when I say “I need” I am going to take a minute to rephrase what I mean . . . by saying what I really mean . . . as I start to see the way I use the word “need” I am going to get better and better about what I am saying . . . as I start to describe my wants better . . . then I am going to set myself up for success . . . it is okay that I said “I need” too much in the past . . . now is the time to be more accurate with what I say . . . as I change this it will make moving forward easier and easier.

Pod #45: Three Step Approach To Surrogate Tapping w/ Gwyneth Moss

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One of the questions I get the most often into the site is about surrogate tapping. In this interview Gwyneth explains how she came to understand the power of surrogate tapping and a very elegant three step approach that anyone can do any time. Over the course of the interview we talk about surrogate tapping for animals as well as people. We even spend a little time talking about if we need to get permission to tap surrogately for someone else.


Gwyneth Moss

Guest: Gwyneth Moss

Contact: web @ EFThelps.com; email @ contact form; web @ Annual EFT Gathering

About Gwyneth: Gwyneth Moss is one of the original EFT Masters and the founder of the EFT Gathering annual community conference which has run since 2009. With a degree in Physics and an MBA she is known for the clarity and depth of her teaching style and for her innovative techniques which include EFT Imagineering; Protective Distancing; Projection Tapping; The Surrogate EFT Protocol and more. Gwyneth teaches EFT in the glorious countryside of Yorkshire and at Esalen, Big Sur, CA.

What more info on surrogate tapping:

Weight Loss with EFT against All Odds

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[Note From Gene: I have encountered a number of people who are willing to try Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping, but because they don’t get earth shattering results right away they give up. There are many times issues can be cleared up right away, but that is not always the case.

Here is a great example, by Lynne Shaner, of the power of tapping when it is applied in a systematic way and applied to many different aspects of the issues. In this example she uses tapping for the emotions she is feeling, the medical treatment she is receiving, and for the cravings. This is a model we can all learn from.]

    Lynne Shaner is an EFT practitioner and hypnotherapist. She is director of Praxis: Wellness in Life + Work and has a practice based in Washington DC, where she works with clients locally and by phone/skype.

photo by James Jordan

I work every day as an EFT practitioner, and reassure my clients that EFT works. I also use hypnotherapy—the two are beautiful together. But then, sometimes, my own concerns need to be worked on, and I find myself as worried as a newcomer—will this work? What should I say? This is a medical thing—-how can it work?

As ever, we try it on everything. Most recently, I had a perfect storm of problems that pointed to a bad outcome. EFT did work, I am happy to report—though it took persistence.

Last December, I was faced with a difficult situation. Because of a serious medical condition, I had to go on a massive dose of steroids. I had tried other approaches but the condition was not improving, so steroids were necessary. It was the holiday season, the season of wonderful, high-calorie food. I had just turned 51 and my doctor and just let me know that menopause was in full swing. And now I was on heavy-duty steroids. A prescription for significant weight gain. I was terrified that I would gain twenty or more pounds. I had just lost a few pounds, and needed to lose about 10 more. I told my doctor that I intended to do just that and he basically said that it was impossible, that mostly (in almost 100% of the cases he worked with) people gained weight on steroids; they never lost weight.

So—a challenge. I decided to make this into a test of EFT. What would I do if a client came to me with this concern? And what might be possible? The story ends on a good note—I lost weight (and the steroids and other EFT work did the job of fixing the medical problem.)

Here’s how it worked.

Addressing the Fear
First, I addressed all of the fears I had, tapping on every fear and worry I had. I used language like this:

Even though I am afraid I’ll gain weight…
Even though obesity runs in my family and I’m now on steroids and I’m afraid I’ll gain weight…
Even though I’m starting menopause and women always gain weight, and now I’m on steroids so it must double the problem….
Even though my doctor believes I will gain weight…

I addressed all of the fears I had, all of the stories about weight gain with steroids, with menopause, and my fear that this was just a completely impossible situation.

I did this many times—not just once. Whenever fears came up, I addressed them, throughout the eight months I was on steroids.

Addressing the Medical Treatment
I then, every day, did a little ritual with my medication. I told my body, while tapping, that these were miracle drugs, and that we could take the miracles and leave the rest…that there was no need to take on any side effects.

I also did a little Reiki on the pills each morning before I took them, allowing them to be “blessed” with energy that I intended for healing—-without side effects.

When fear came up, I’d do a little round on that:

Even though I am afraid of the side effects, especially weight gain and sleeplessness…
Even though these are so powerful and I’m still afraid of them…I love and accept myself and I’m giving my body permission to take the miracles and leave the rest.

Doing the Footwork
I spent a lot of time online looking for “weight loss while on steroids,” and there isn’t much there. But there was one story of a woman who did lose weight while on steroids. That’s all I needed. If one other person could do it, so could I—especially since I have EFT at my fingertips. The power of suggestion, her example to me, helped lift my sense of hopefulness.

The other critically important part of the footwork was to do the calorie calculation needed to lose weight. I did that and lopped off a few more—(consult your medical doctor, please; I am not a health care professional and did what worked for me—you and your body’s needs are different from mine.). I stuck rigidly, religiously, slavishly to my nutritional program, which was a low-calorie regime. No exceptions. I was absolutely rigid on this.

Dealing with Cravings
The dirty little secret of steroids is that not only do they have the capacity for wreaking all sorts of havoc, they give you the appetite of a teenage linebacker. I was no exception. I wanted to eat everything in my path. So—I treated myself as I would an alcoholic and assigned myself a tapping routine for each time the cravings came up. Sometimes I had time to do a whole round:

Even though I want this (name the specific food) so badly, I love and accept myself and it’s ok to let it go…
Even though I feel hungry, and this looks so good, I love and accept myself and it’s ok to have water instead
Even though I really, really want this, I’m going to be ok without it….

Sometimes I wanted to rush into the refrigerator and there seemed to be no time for a round, so I tapped on the collar point and just said “releasing this craving,” as many times as I needed to (backing out of the kitchen.)

What Happened?
Month one: Five pounds dropped off. My doctor said he had never experienced that with a patient.

Month two: Another five pounds.

Month three: Three more pounds and I was at my goal weight. Again, the doctor just said that he had never seen this before.

Month eight: Steroid usage complete and terminated. I have kept the weight off and now am back to normal.

Mindful, creative use of EFT achieved what is considered to be practically impossible, given all of the factors in my situation. I lost weight while on steroids, going through menopause, despite starting off during a high-calorie holiday time. From now on I’ll never question whether EFT works for weight loss—in my own body and in any client’s. As long as the steps I outline above are used consistently, it is very likely to work every time.

Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto

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After months of work it is finally here: “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto”

A manifesto is nothing more than a statement of beliefs. This is what I believe about the healing process. This is not about tapping the tool, but what happens when we heal and transform. This is how I think when I am working with clients.

You can download the pdf or mp3 book for free here:

PDF Book Version (updated 10/25/2010)

Recuperando el Ser – Un Manifiesto de Sanación Español PDF “Traducido por Vera C. Malbaski” (Thanks to Vera! )

Audio Book Version (updated 10/15/2010)

* * *

Who “Recover Self – A Healing Manifesto” is For:

This if for anyone who is interested in transforming their lives, healing past wounds, and people who are trying to understand how this process happen. If you want to understand yourself a little better it is for you.

What You Will Learn In “Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto”:

  • Why you stop the healing process even when you know the steps you should take
  • Why others don’t want you to heal
  • The two categories that all healing falls into
  • What you need to know (and what you don’t need to know) to heal
  • How to stop fighting yourself and start healing

* * *

Like it? See something that is miss? Am I Wrong?

1) Let me know what you think in the comment section.

2) Tell a friend, a loved one, a client, your mailing list, or your enemies. This is free so tell the world about it. It would mean a lot to me.

Announcement

Thoughts on Surrogate Tapping By Gwyneth Moss

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Gwyneth Moss is an EFT Master and Trainer based in Yorkshire, United Kingdom. She currently offers EFT Level 1, 2 and 3 Workshops in the UK and for EFTUniverse in San Francisco, California.

photo by Stefano Corso

In Gary Craig’s retirement blog he said there are two things about EFT “What it does and Where it points” and that Surrogate Tapping is leading us to “Where it points.” When I first found EFT, the tapping itself was weird enough for me and the idea that you could tap on your own face and something would change for someone else at a distance was just too woo-woo.

However for the last few years I have been intrigued by experiences and stories of distant work. My first experience was when a passenger in heavy rush hour traffic in the centre of Manchester and my friend Masha who was driving complained of a 10/10 headache like a vice. Almost as a joke I started tapping on myself whilst she concentrated on navigating the crowded narrow streets. To the amazement of both of us her headache eased to a 6 then a 2 and then she forget it had ever been there.

Later I designed a group exercise to teach EFT Practitioners how to work with groups and deliver the borrowing benefits instructions. To illustrate that it does not matter who we borrow benefits from or how unrelated their problem, I had a member of the group role play their pet whist we all tapped along. My expectation that anything would change for the pet was close to zero. However if you read Two Cats and a Puppy (pdf), you can read the full story of Oscar the cat and how the tremor in his tail disappeared.

These tapping circles with animal role play continued and a succession of animals changed their behaviour. From this and with my colleague Heather Smiles who does marvelous work tapping for horses, we developed a three stage protocol for surrogate tapping using animals as our teachers. The three stages we call “talk about,” “talk to,” and “talk as.”

The three stages are designed to get you out of the way and gently increase the connection to the other’s energy. Here I’d simply like to share some of our learnings:

  1. Get yourself out of the way. Work first on your own stuff about wanting or needing change in the other. You have to simply get out of the way and let healing flow through you. This is not about your agenda. You are not out to “fix” someone. You are simply offering healing that they can accept or not. Think of it as a means of loosening an energetic stuckness around the person. Be unattached to the outcome. When that stuck energy starts to move the change will be how they choose to use that for themselves. It may not be the outcome you desire.
  2. Allow the words to come to you in a stream of consciousness. Don’t think about it or analyze. What comes may surprise you or be unexpected, that’s ok and if you feel like you are making it up then that is ok too. Let yourself pretend.
  3. Do not lead or use positive suggestion or over optimistic reframes. Stick to simple EFT, being specific and cleaning up all aspects. With animals the times it has not worked is when there has been direct suggestion of change – leading. Try to find or imagine earlier events, in what context would this behavior or emotion make sense.
  4. Start by telling the story, the facts and the feelings about the other, talk in the third person as you tap on yourself. That may lead you to having an imaginary dialogue as you talk to them, allow some silences for the responses and again let yourself pretend or make it up. And keep tapping.
  5. Don’t go to the first person “talk as” tapping unless you intuitively feel an open door, an energetic permission. Trust your intuition. And don’t worry if that door feels closed just continue with the “talk about” and “talk to” tapping, that is often sufficient. If you efforts are perceived as unwanted or you are working to your own agenda at best you will get nowhere at worst you may get an energetic kick back.
  6. Be relaxed and don’t go looking for changes after your tapping to “prove” that it worked. Sometimes the change may be something other that that which you directly tapped for.
  7. Find someone to partner you. It’s a good idea to do surrogate tapping together with a partner and this is how we teach it in the workshops. One of you manages the content by telling the story or role playing. The other of you manages the EFT process by asking simple questions, identifying aspects, testing and keeping the flow going.

What more info on surrogate tapping:

Pod #44: Interviewing, Being Interviewed and Lessons Learned w/ Jessica Ortner

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Over the past few years I have been lucky enough to get to know Jessica Ortner through a number of projects. She just has a wonderful, joyful spirit. I asked Jessica if she would be willing to be interviewed for the podcast and she was initially a little bit hesitant as she is very good at doing interviews, but being interviewed isn’t something she is used to.

We talked about how to do interviews and how to do a good job as an interviewee. My favorite part of our talk was exploring some of the lessons and wisdom Jessica has learned from all the great people she has has the opportunity to interview.


Jessica Ortner

About Jessica Otrner: Jessica is the producer of the documentary film on meridian tapping “The Tapping Solution.” She has been heard by over 100,000 people worldwide interviewing experts on Meridian Tapping for the Tapping World Summit.

Coming Up With A More Accurate Description of How You Feel: Part 2 Positive Emotions

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photo by Thai Jasmine

We know the more specific we are when describing the issue the faster we are going to find relief. Sometime we think we are being specific when we really aren’t as specific as we can be.

Most of the time when I am working with a client and I ask them how they are feeling at any give point in the session I am given a one-word answer. “Angry.” “Sad.” “Confused.” I normally will ask a follow up question along the lines of “[insert emotion] how?”

The reason I do this is because there are many different shades to emotions. There is “angry=I need space” and “angry =I need to punch the wall.” The clearer we are with the particular shade of the emotion the easier it is going to be to clear it out.

Below you will find a list of positive emotions created by The Center For Nonviolent Communication. This list can be very helpful when you are trying to describe what you would like to achieve. It is not enough to say “I want to be happy.” Figure out what happy means to you.. I would keep this list handy when tapping. Just read through the list and see which emotions ring true at the moment.

[h/t to Rod Sherwin’s blog for pointing out this resource.]

AFFECTIONATE
compassionate
friendly
loving
open hearted
sympathetic
tender
warm

ENGAGED
absorbed
alert
curious
engrossed
enchanted
entranced
fascinated
interested
intrigued
involved
spellbound
stimulated

HOPEFUL
expectant
encouraged
optimistic

 CONFIDENT
empowered
open
proud
safe
secure

EXCITED
amazed
animated
ardent
aroused
astonished
dazzled
eager
energetic
enthusiastic
giddy
invigorated
lively
passionate
surprised
vibrant

 GRATEFUL
appreciative
moved
thankful
touched

INSPIRED
amazed
awed
wonder

JOYFUL
amused
delighted
glad
happy
jubilant
pleased
tickled

EXHILARATED
blissful
ecstatic
elated
enthralled
exuberant
radiant
rapturous
thrilled

 PEACEFUL
calm
clear headed
comfortable
centered
content
equanimous
fulfilled
mellow
quiet
relaxed
relieved
satisfied
serene
still
tranquil
trusting

REFRESHED
enlivened
rejuvenated
renewed
rested
restored
revived

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505.244.4041

When We Keep Making The Same Poor Choice

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Gene, I really like the concept you talk about all the time about how the system is always trying to do what is best for us. I especially like the way you describe the way a part of the system are trying to be helpful but sometimes is really causing trouble because it isn’t working in the most helpful way. (I think you use the analogy of being afraid of mice. The fear is trying to keep us safe, which is good, but there is no real danger.) My question is this: How come my system knows that eating lots of ice cream isn’t good for me, but I still crave (and eat) a large bowl every night after work? If my system were really trying to do what is best for it wouldn’t be craving something that isn’t healthy. I’m I doing something wrong or does my system have it out for me?

This is a great question. You are exactly right. The system is only going to do what is best for us. With that being said it seems odd that it would encourage us in the form of cravings to do something that was away from health and well-being especially when we know what health and well being is.

The answer can be found in understanding what to “do what is best for us” means.

The reason you are having a hard time with the craving is because the system has been put in a position of having to choose between two things that have benefits, but each of these outcomes also have some negative side effect(s). Because there is not a cut a dry best choice it makes the decision harder (and as we will see, it is very hard for the subconscious to deal with the understanding the future).

Let’s look at a much simpler example of this situation to see the concept in action. Then we will apply that information to the situation that is posed in the question.

Let’s pretend that it is late afternoon/early evening and you are gripped with a horrible migraine headache. This is one of those headaches that blurs your vision and makes you nauseous. If left untreated you are not going to be able to eat dinner and you are not going to sleep much tonight. (Not to mention you are in horrific pain.)

You have some medicine that can remove the all the symptoms of the pain and nausea. If you take it you are going to be able to sleep through the night, but because it takes a little time for the medicine to clear the system you are going to wake up a little groggy in the morning and you are not going to be very sharp until about lunchtime.

I don’t know about you, but I am going to willing to exchange a slightly groggy morning to be pain free and nausea free right now. Even if I know I am going to be wiped out for the whole morning the next day I am going to be very temped to take the medicine. I am in pain right now and I am going to be willing to exchange that for a somewhat undefined feeling pain in the future.

The example of the ice cream given in the question has exact same situation happening. I just happens to be in a much more subtle form.

Typically when we are dealing with a craving it is because there is something that is currently undesirable going on inside of us. In most cases it is a negative emotion like anger, loneliness, and/or hopelessness. The system doesn’t want to feel these emotions and it knows that there are certain foods that are going cover these emotions.

That is the reason we call some foods comfort food. Much like an aspirin provides comfort to our headache, comfort food provides relief to our undesirable emotions. In the example given in the question more than likely there is a negative emotion that is being experienced at the end of the workday and the system is just trying to comfort and mask it.

Much like the example of the migraine headache the system is trading comforting the negative emotion for the possibility of having negative health outcomes from eating ice cream every day.

With that being said there is one big difference between the decision to take the migraine medicine and the craving for comfort food. When we choose to take the migraine medicine we are making the decision with our conscious minds. We are able to choose the long-term goal over the short-term relief. It might be hard to put up with the pain, but if we have something really important the next morning we might choose to endure the pain right now so we are sharp in the morning.

The subconscious mind is not capable of this sort of understanding. To the subconscious mind the only moment is now. The subconscious doesn’t understand the past or future. Since the subconscious only knows this moment it is not going to be able to consider the long-term consequences of the choice very well (if at all). In this case it only knows the pain of this moment and what it can do to comfort it.

The subconscious mind is doing “what is best for us” through the lens of it recognizes pain (the negative emotion) and it is going to do what it can to care for us (crave something that is going to mask the emotion).

That is the reason that it is so important for us to use tool like Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping to work with the underlying issues that are creating our “too much” behaviors (like craving too much ice cream).

Sure it is possible to tap every time a craving comes up to make it go away so we make a good choice in the moment, but it is much more effective if we are able to deal with the underlying issue which eliminates the lingering negative emotions. When the lingering negative emotions are gone then the system isn’t going to have something to comfort and the craving will disappear.

Pod #43: Getting Out Of Your Own Way

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photo by Laura Chifiriuc

Most of the time the problem isn’t knowing what we want. Usually the problem is taking the steps that we know we should take to move forward. In these cases there are fears and limiting beliefs that are preventing us from moving forward.

In this podcast I share with you a simple 10 step process that will help to uncover the fears and limiting beliefs that are preventing you from having what you want in your life. When you ask these 10 questions your limiting beliefs will quickly present themselves and give you the opportunity to tap them away.

For more information on a comprehensive way to use these 10 questions check out 10 Steps To Getting Out Of Your Own Way

People Who Suck Us Emotionally Dry

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There are people in my life who seem to always suck me emotionally dry. They either take all my energy or dump all their troubles on me. How do I prevent this from happing?


photo by Joriel “Joz” Jimenez

One of the things that I love about this question is the fact they used the phrase “suck me emotionally dry”. I have always referred to these type people as emotional vampires.

I love the term “emotional vampire” because the moment I use it my clients always get this wry smile. They know exactly what I am talking about.

In this article we are going to look at many different types of emotional vampires as well as what we can do to keep ourselves healthy in the face of emotional vampires.

The Naming of Vampires
This article is not a criticism of emotional vampires. I am not saying they are horrible people, mean people, or even people who are conscious of how their behavior affects other people.

We act the way we do for a number of reasons.

Emotional vampires are no different.

This article is not meant to give you fuel to be even more frustrated with the people in your life. Instead, the goal of this article is to help you to recognize the environment you are in, the people who share this environment with you, how they can effect you, and how you can navigate it in a safe way while continuing to grow and heal.

It is important for us to be able to name the emotional vampires in our lives. This is not an exercise of judgment (thought it can quickly become one). This is not an exercise meant to dwell on the negative (though it can quickly become one).

One of my main goals as a practitioner is to help my clients to become conscious observers of their own lives. When we become observers of our own lives we notice the things that push our buttons and the places that we over react. With this simple knowledge we can make radical changes to our lives. We see the problems as they come and we are able to either avoid the problem or nip it in the bud.

Much in the same way we plan our day by looking at the weather report or the traffic report we can prepare ourselves for our day by notices the experiences and people who can suck us dry.

To make sure we are entering this with the right point of view let’s do a little tapping. (And yes, I want you to tap on this before you read the next section!)

It is important that I examine my life…It is important that I recognize the things in my daily life that affect my mood and my disposition…I choose to know that there are lots of reasons why people act the way the do…sometime they act because they are afraid…sometime they act because they are worried…sometime they act because they are hopeless…sometimes they act because they are lost…sometimes they act because they are overwhelmed…sometimes they act because they don’ know what to do…the people I interact must take responsibility for their choices and their mood…but I choose not to judge them…it is important to understand how they effect me…it is important to know how I allow they to affect me…I am doing this exercise to make sure I am healthy and safe…I am not doing to this judge others…even if that is my natural disposition…I know that when I judge others it is because I am worried…afraid…or insecure…this is an opportunity to also do a little work on the places I would like to heal in my own life.

Types of Vampires
None of the descriptions listed here are going to be a surprise to you. In many cases you are going to be thinking of how this affects you before I get into my description. Again, the first goal is to be able to name what is affecting us. When we name it we can respond to it. Here are just a few.

    Drama Shark
    Drama Sharks are so named because of the myth that if a shark stops moving it will die. Drama Sharks will die if they are not in the middle of some type of drama somewhere. It could be drama at work, with friends, with family, or something in the news. They are constantly in the middle of something that is getting them bent out of shape. They can’t stop talking about it and they are always trying to draw everyone around them into the feeding frenzy.

    Dump Truck
    Dump Trucks take their emotional baggage and unload it on everyone around them. They don’t ask permission and they often have no sense of when it is appropriate to talk about emotional issues. At a moments notice they are unloading. Often times Dump Trucks feel much better in the short term because they have unloaded everything on those around them.

    Chicken Little
    We all know the common refrain of Chicken Little: “The sky is falling!” Chicken Little sees danger in every moment and around every corner. The sense of pending doom is not limited to their own life, but often times to everyone else around them as well. They often over react and almost never have solutions. They just point out what they think is wrong and this is not limited to their own lives. They are more than willing to point out what went wrong, what is going wrong, and what will go wrong in everyone else life.

    Sandbag
    A Sandbag is very much like a Chicken Little, but instead of pointing out what is wrong the Sandbag drags your dreams down by telling you all the things that can’t happen. They might not know what is possible, but they certainly know what is impossible, why it is impossible, and what horrible things are going to happen if you try.

    Black Hole
    The Black Hole sucks every bit of life and joy out of any room they enter. Sometime they do this with what they say, sometimes they do it with a simple phrase, and other times their simple presents is enough to suck the joy out of the room.

This is not a compressive list by any means (add your favorite or least favorites below!), but it is a good start. Once we are able to recognize who the emotional vampires are in our lives and how they affect us then we can respond.

Before We Encounter Emotional Vampires
One of the easiest things we can do to keep ourselves healthy to simply be aware of what we are about to get ourselves into. You don’t know everything that is going to happen over the course of a day, but you have a very good idea. There are emotional vampires that we interact with regularly. When we know it is coming we can do something about it.

Here is a sample tapping patter for a day when we know we are going to encounter a Drama Shark.

I know today I am going to spend time with [insert name of drama shark]…for some reason they are always in the middle of someone’s business…it is as if they feed on the emotion and drama of those around them…it seems to drive them and feed them…because of their energy for the drama it is very easy to get sucked into what they are doing and talking about…just because they are so involved in the drama doesn’t mean that I have to be…I can choose to ignore it…I can choose to change the topic…I can choose to excuse myself when the Drama Shark get going…just because there is drama…it doesn’t mean that I have to be involved in it.

I know that tapping patter looks very simple, but just by taking 60 seconds to tap on something like that it will make a huge difference.

During Encounters With Emotional Vampires
There are two simple things you can do to take care of yourself when you are encountering an emotional vampire.

The first thing you can do is to be very conscious of what is happening and how it is affecting you in the moment. Like a said before, when we become observers of our own lives we quickly recognize what we have control over and what we don’t.

When you realize you are encountering an emotional vampire you can name the type of vampire you are interacting with and name how this type of vampire normally sucks you dry. When you do this you can choose to not to be caught up in what is going on.

It is very important to be in a place where you are just naming what is happening. By this I mean you are stating the facts of what they are doing and how it is affecting you.

This could be just thoughts that are going through your head or it could be something you tap on:

Right now my co-worker is acting like a sand bag…For some reason, he is pointing out every possible thing that could go wrong with the new project…He is over stating what could go wrong and he isn’t seeing anything that could right…I choose not to get caught up in his negativity.

You will notice that nowhere in this patter are we writing motive for why the person is acting like a Sandbag, nor are we saying the choices they are making are bad choices. We are simply stating what is.

When we get caught up in blame and judgment we are giving our control over to someone else and that exactly what we are trying to avoid.

The second thing we can do in the moment is to recognize that it is too bad for the emotional vampire that they are acting like an emotional vampire. This is not an act of pity, but more of a recognition why things might be the way they are. By doing this it is going to make it easier to not blame or judge the acts of an emotional vampire.

Again, this can just be thought or tapped on:

I am not sure why my co-worker is acting like an emotional vampire…they might be afraid of something…they might be worried about repeating a past poor choice…they might not know they can choose another way…I don’t have to be sucked into the life of an emotional vampire…to be able to see there are many reasons for them acting the way they act.

This simple act of recognizing the possibilities of why they are acting the way they are going to free us from lots of negative emotions making it hard for us to choose the act the way we want to act.

After We Encounter Emotional Vampires
There are two things we can do after we have encountered an emotional vampire.

First, we can tap on what just happened.

Here is a sample tapping patter for being around a Black Hole:

I can’t believe how negative [insert name of Black Hole] is…it is so hard to be positive when I am around them…for some reason they just seem to suck the joy out of the room…I have no idea why they are this way…I wish they weren’t this way because it is hard on me and other…but I am sure it is even harder on them…it must be a good feeling to be in that place all of the time…maybe they don’t realize that they don’t have to choose to be that way…maybe they have forgotten what it is like to feel joyful…I choose to know that even though they are in that space that I don’t have to be in that space…I choose to know that I have access to the light, life, and joy that was just sucked out of me…I can choose where I want to be emotionally…I choose to be in the place of light…I choose to be in the place of love…I choose to be in the place of joy.

Again, this doesn’t look very complicated (because it is not), but it is very powerful. If you take 60 seconds to tap on something like this right after you have encountered an emotional vampire you will make sure the experience doesn’t touch the rest of your day. By doing this you are prevent this one moment from cascading into something bigger.

Second, you can spend sometime tapping for the emotional vampires in your life. I am not saying that you need to tap to change them because you know what is best. What I am suggesting is that you tap for the relationships you have with the emotional vampires you have in your life. When you do this you are going to be able to produce the most profound change because you are changing what you have the most control over. You are changing your part of the relationship.

For more information about this type of tapping and some guidance on how to do it check out the free audio: It’s Not Surrogate But It Helps Others To Make Different Choices

They Don’t Have To Suck You Dry
Just because there are emotional vampires out there doesn’t mean you have to let them affect you in the moment or after the fact. With a little awareness, preparation, and care after the fact you can insure that you continue to be safe and healthy.

I would love to hear what other types of emotional vampires you encounter in your daily life. Please add your emotional vampires in the comment section below.

[Note: Some people are more susceptible to emotional vampires than others. If you recognize that this is something you deal with daily I would encourage you to check out the resources on sensitive temperaments.]

Pod #42: Carrying Burdens For Others and Generational Work

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Carrying an emotional burden for someone else is a very high act of love, but it can have consequences for our own emotions and health. In this episode we look at how and why we carry burdens for others and past generations, and how we can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping to release these burdens.

Coming Up With A More Accurate Description of How You Feel: Part 1 Negative Emotions

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photo by swissrolli

We know the more specific we are when describing the issue the faster we are going to find relief. Sometime we think we are being specific when we really aren’t as specific as we can be.

Most of the time when I am working with a client and I ask them how they are feeling at any give point in the session I am given a one-word answer. “Angry.” “Sad.” “Confused.” I normally will ask a follow up question along the lines of “[insert emotion] how?”

The reason I do this is because there are many different shades to emotions. There is “angry=I need space” and “angry =I need to punch the wall.” The clearer we are with the particular shade of the emotion the easier it is going to be to clear it out.

Below you will find a list of negative emotions created by The Center For Nonviolent Communication. This list can be very helpful when you are trying to describe your emotions. I would keep this list handy when tapping. Just read through the list and see which emotions ring true at the moment.

[h/t to Rod Sherwin’s blog for pointing out this resource.]

AFRAID
apprehensive
dread
foreboding
frightened
mistrustful
panicked
petrified
scared
suspicious
terrified
wary
worried

ANNOYED
aggravated
dismayed
disgruntled
displeased
exasperated
frustrated
impatient
irritated
irked

ANGRY
enraged
furious
incensed
indignant
irate
livid
outraged
resentful

AVERSION
animosity
appalled
contempt
disgusted
dislike
hate
horrified
hostile
repulsed

 CONFUSED
ambivalent
baffled
bewildered
dazed
hesitant
lost
mystified
perplexed
puzzled
torn

DISCONNECTED
alienated
aloof
apathetic
bored
cold
detached
distant
distracted
indifferent
numb
removed
uninterested
withdrawn

DISQUIET
agitated
alarmed
discombobulated
disconcerted
disturbed
perturbed
rattled
restless
shocked
startled
surprised
troubled
turbulent
turmoil
uncomfortable
uneasy
unnerved
unsettled
upset

 EMBARRASSED
ashamed
chagrined
flustered
guilty
mortified
self-conscious

FATIGUE
beat
burnt out
depleted
exhausted
lethargic
listless
sleepy
tired
weary
worn out

PAIN
agony
anguished
bereaved
devastated
grief
heartbroken
hurt
lonely
miserable
regretful
remorseful

SAD
depressed
dejected
despair
despondent
disappointed
discouraged
disheartened
forlorn
gloomy
heavy hearted
hopeless
melancholy
unhappy
wretched

 TENSE
anxious
cranky
distressed
distraught
edgy
fidgety
frazzled
irritable
jittery
nervous
overwhelmed
restless
stressed out

VULNERABLE
fragile
guarded
helpless
insecure
leery
reserved
sensitive
shaky

YEARNING
envious
jealous
longing
nostalgic
pining
wistful

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505.244.4041

Toa Te Ching/Doa De Jing as a tapping tool?

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photo by Bill Anderson

The Toa Te Ching (wikipedia) is one of the few books that I will always own. It is not a book a spend time with daily or weekly for that matter. But from time to time it has been a bedrock of peace in my life.

The Toa Te Ching is an ancient Chinese text that is a collection of 81 short passages. As wikipedia rightly states, “The passages are ambiguous, and topics range from political advice for rulers to practical wisdom for people.”

Some passages are insightful, others are profound, and still others will leave you just scratching your head in bafflement.

The topic of the Toa Te Ching came up during a client session recently. The types of issues we were tapping(EFT) on reminded me of many passages. After the session I dug out my dog-eared and tattered copy. I was amazed at how much peace it brought to tap along to the passages.

Give a try. Just move from tapping point to tapping point while reading aloud.

Just in a quick glance here are some of my favorite passages:

[Note: All experts are from “A New English Version: Toa Te Ching” By Stephen Mitchell]

8
…
When you are content to be simply yourself
and don’t compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.

9
Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and if will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

27
A good traveler has no fixed plans
and is not intent upon arriving.
A good artist lets his intuition
lead him wherever it wants.
A good scientist has freed himself of concepts
and keeps his mind open to what is.

Thus the Master is available to all people
and doesn’t reject anyone.
He is ready to be use all situations
and doesn’t waste anything.
This is called embodying the light.

….

44
Fame or integrity: which is more important?
Money or happiness: which is more valuable?
Success or failure: which is more destructive?

If you look to other for fulfillment,
you will never truly be fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money,
you will never be happy win yourself.

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way thing are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.

This type tapping isn’t for everyone. This type of tapping isn’t for everyday. I just know some days this type of tapping is the just the thing I need to feel grounded. There are many free translation of the Tao Te Ching on-line.

If you do try this please add the passages that you found helpful in your tapping below in the comments.

Taking Care Of Yourself As A Practitioner

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Gene, I always read your materials with interest and would appreciate your comment concerning energy protection. I have two questions.

First, I understand, before a practitioner starts treating clients he/she can create a protective energy layer around himself. How does this affect a practitioner as they connect with a client to muscle test or tune into what the client is experiencing? Won’t this type of protection prevent the practitioner from doing their work?

Second, I understand one can “cut he cord” of energy between a practitioner and client, to stop the energy from flowing between them after the treatment. What about the energies that the practitioner has already “caught” over the course of the session?


photo by Łukasz Strachanowski

These are two really great questions. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Before A Session
At the start of the day and before every session I do a number of things to take care of my heath and well-being. One of the steps I always take is much like what is described in the question, but when I do it I do it a little differently. I don’t just create a force field around myself to keep myself safe. Instead I create a filter with the intention “to only let through the energy and information that is helpful and healthy to me.”

At one point in my practice I wouldn’t have been able to take a step like this. I would have been worried “that by keeping out some of the information that I wouldn’t be able to help my clients” and “it would be unfair to my client to keep out that information”.

As I have matured as a practitioner I have come to realize that it is not my job to “fix” everyone. It is not even my job to “fix” anyone. My job as practitioner is to use my expertise, experience, and emotional detachment from my client’s situation to provide guidance as they walk down a healing path.

Coming to this realization has helped me to understand that not only am I NOT responsible for my client’s healing (they are), but I am also not the right practitioner for every client. There are clients who are not health for me to work with, there are clients I am not the right person to help them, and there are clients who are not looking for help in healing, but instead are just looking for someone to validate their wounded identity.

If my willingness to make a choice to protect myself from energy and information that is harmful to me is going to prevent me from helping a client down a healing path than I am not the right practitioner for that client. Not only is it important that I do no harm to my clients, but it just as important that I do no harm to myself.

It took me a while before I could admit that I was not the right practitioner for every client. Now it is a very liberating knowing when I take care of myself and refer out the clients that are not a good fit that I am taking care of my clients and myself.

After A Session
After a session and at the end of the day I have a similar set of steps I go through to take care of myself.

First, I do what was recommended in the questions. At one point I would recommend to practitioners that they “cut the cord”. I have found that some people find this image too violent. If you are not comfortable cutting the cord you can also do what I, which is to unplug. When I do this I think about the old telephone operators who connected and disconnected calls with a series of wires.

When I do this I reach to my chest and pantomime pulling out the cord. This is less violent then cutting and it gives the sense that when I want to reconnect in the future with the client I can just plug back in.

Second, depending on the nature of the client, the number of clients I have worked with, and my general state of well being I do a number of things to clean up any extra emotion that I have picked up from my client. Here are is a short list of some of the things I do:

  • Shake my hands over an imaginary ceramic pot of poison, shaking off any and all excess that I have picked up durring the conversation.
  • Tap on the fact that it is a very high act of love to pick up burdens for another person, but is a higher act of love to let them go (which is not the same as giving them back). As I continue to tap I visualize letting go and releasing these burdens.
  • Going for a walk or jog in area with lots of trees. (the air is much cleaner than on city street)
  • Taking a salt bath (the ions are great a breaking up energy>

I would love to hear you take care of yourself before and after a session. Please add your routine to the comment section below.

Creativity Boosting Techniques That Accelerate Tapping Success (AKA: How To Keeping Tapping When It Gets Boring Or Stale) Part 4 of 4

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[This article is part of a four part series on how to get create with tapping when you are stuck or bored with tapping. A new part willed be added every few weeks. See the parts that have been published so far and check back regularly to see the full series.]

photo by Mike Baird

Mechanically tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very easy thing to do. All you need is to provide stimulus to the tapping points plus tuning into the issue at hand. The tapping part is easy; what can be hard is the tuning in part. Often we are so close to an issue or we have been working on an issue that it is difficult to see it clearly.

In the first three parts of this series we build upon ideas from two articles found on Jeremy Dean’s PSYBlog. In this fourth part we will look at a number of other ways we can get past block and the feeling of tapping staleness.

Obviously not all of these are going to work for every issue, but by having a complete menu to choose from you are going to find new ways to approach the issue.

Take A Break
Sometime we just need to take a break. I have found that if I spend a lot of time with an issue that I need to clear my head so I can have a fresh look at the issue. Sometimes this is as simple as waiting until the next day while other times taking a few days off to clear my head is a really good thing.

A few days break will give you a new perspective and many times it will give you new insights.

Move On To Anther Issues And Come Back To This One
Another way to help with an issue that is stuck or an issue you are bored with is to work on another part of your life. By doing this you will still feel like you are making progress, but will be giving the issue you have been hammering on a rest.

I have also found that many times while working on a second issue I will come to an insight about the first issue.

Remind Yourself Of the Progress You Have Already Made
When we are working on an issue over a longer period of time it becomes very easy for us to forget how far we have come. Often in the moment all we notice is the discomfort we are feeling right now. We are not thinking of it in terms of what the discomfort level use to be.

With clients that I am working with over a longer period of time I find that I am reminding them of their progress about every third or fourth session (because it is so easy to forget how far we have come).

When we recognize how far we have come it makes it much easier to keep moving forward. This is very easy to do. Think about how the issue was when you first started tapping on it. How is the issue changed and how is it the same?

It is vey easy to get caught up in wanted everything to be a one minute metrical. When we take a step back it becomes much easier to see that it might not be happening as fast as we would like, but compared to other possible treatments things are happening quickly.

Take a few moments to just tap on: “I know this is not happening as fast as I would like…But I can see progress is happening…I can see things are getting better…I just need to keep after it…And more progress will come…I give myself permission to be easy with myself in this process.”

Give Someone Else Advice
Sometimes it is much easier to give someone else advice than it is to deal with our own issues. When we are giving advice to someone else we are able to be less emotional and we see things clearer. Take the issue you are dealing with and pretend one of your friends has come to you for advice. What advice would you give them?

Close your eyes and image you are sitting in a coffee with a friend. Image them explaining what is going on. Just listen to yourself respond. This is an easy way to take a step back from your issue and see it in a new way.

Get Outside Help
Sometime we are just too close to an issue to be able to see it clearly. Getting outside help does not me we have failed. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t any good at tapping. It just means that we need some outside help. Many of the clients I work with are very experienced tappers and they do work on their own regularly. They reach out for help when they hit a bit of a wall.

Many times when we reach out for help from some else we get a new perspective on the issue. If this isn’t enough to clear the issue completely, it will give us new information and avenues to pursue.

Tap (And I Mean Just Tap)
I have found it to be very helpful to just tap and I mean to just literally tap. No set up phrases. No images. No NLP techniques. Just tapping.

I do this when I am taking my evening walk or when I am taking a bath or shower. Sometime I will do it while I am watching TV.

My conscious mind has a tendency to monopolize the energy I am putting towards solving my problems. I have found it helpful to let my subconscious do some work on its own.

There has been many times when I am just tapping to nothing in particular that I start to yawn, sigh, and even cry. All signs of progress. I have feel things moving and almost always feel very relaxed at the end of it. This is a great way (and a no pressure way) to feel better.

This is part 1 of a 4 part series. Check out all 4 parts for more creative ideas.

8 Things To Keep In Mind When Tapping With Your Kids

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I love tapping/EFT and would love my kids to be able to tap as well. How do I introduce tapping to my kids?

I love the fact that parents can (and want to) tap with their kids. When I was home over Christmas visiting my family the year a seven year old, who we will call “T”, walked up to me with a huge grin and said, “Me and mommy still tap together every night before I go to bed.”


photo by Anguskirk

It was obvious that not only was T enjoying the benefits of tapping but she was also enjoying that special time with mom every night before bed.

Tapping with kids is very easy. Often it is easier to tap with kids than adults because they don’t get hung up on how weird tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can feel when doing it.

Here are 8 things to keep in mind when introducing tapping and actually tapping with your kids.

You Don’t Need To Explain What Is Going On
This might seem obvious, but kids (and most people for that matter) don’t need to know why it works or how it works. They just want to feel better. Often times I just say something as simple as, “Did you know that you have buttons on your body which you can push that will help the bad feelings go away?”

I have never met a child that needed more information than that. Remember, most people care about feeling better over anything else. They are willing to do something that seems weird for the promise feeling better.

Keep It Simple
You don’t need to teach them complicated set-phrases, formulas of how to describe what is going on, or all of the tapping points. I have found it best to just teach them 8 or 9 tapping points. When they are tapping I just have them “tell me what is going on and how do you feel about it?”

By simply tapping and having them tell you the story they are going to tuning in a prefect way. Children’s imagination is so powerful because they are using it all the time. They are using the same imagination when they are telling you about what happened and/or why they are so upset.

Many times I think we make the mistake of having someone tell us about what is going on and then we start tapping on what they just described. Once they know how to tap, just have them start tapping as they tell you what is going on. This will immediately start to clear what ever is going on.

[Note: If you have a really upset child (esp. one that is having a hard time taking because they are so upset) then they are not going to need to say anything out loud to tune into what is going on. They are already there. Just start by tapping. As they calm down you can have them start to tell you what is going on.]

Introduce Tapping Before It Is Needed
It is best to introduce tapping before you are dealing with a major emotional melt down. When a child is having a really hard time it is difficult to get them to focus on anything, much less something new. By teaching your kids how to tap under normal circumstances will make it much easier to tap when things are emotional.

Below there you will find a recommendation on how to tap with your kids before bed. This is a great way to introduce them to tapping so that when things are more emotional they know what to do.

The Nature of Children’s Emotions And How They Talk About Them
Children’s emotions are much more acute than adult emotions. What I mean by this is there are less shades of grey in a child’s emotions. This is not to say that their emotions are real or meaningful, but most children have many few shades of any given emotion than adult.

Also, it is import to keep in mind that talking about your emotions is a skill. Some people are very good at this, while others don’t know how to talk about what they are feeling. Most children don’t have a lot of experience talking about their emotions. Because of this they might not be very skilled at it.

I have found that kids are very good about talking about how they are physically feeling and these physical feelings can be a great way of tuning while tapping. I have found it is best to give them a few examples when getting them to describe what is going on.

“You said you feel angry. How dose that feel in our body? Does it make your feel hot or is there lots of energy like electricity in your chest or do you feel like you want to punch something or does it feel something like else?”

By giving them some examples you are showing them how to do it and by giving them the chance to come up with some other options you are going to tap into their amazing imagination.

SUDs Levels
The traditional SUDs level is hard to do with children because rating how big an emotion from 0 to 10 is a very abstract activity. I don’t often use any sort of rating scale with kids, but when I do I just have them show me how big the emotion is just like they were showing the size of a fish. Again, I will demonstrate what I am asking.

“Is your anger this big [hands a few inches apart], this big [hands a foot apart], this big [hands a few feet apart], or this big [arms stretched out wide]?”

The base line they give us is only important in showing us progress. All we are looking for is the size to get smaller and smaller after each round of tapping. It doesn’t matter if they start at three feet apart or one foot apart.

Tapping At The End Of The Day
A great way to introduce tapping to kids is to make it part of their daily routine. If it is something they are comfortable doing when they are calm it is going to be easier to do when they are emotional.

Also, tapping daily will help with their general mood, will reduce emotional over reactions, and help them to sleep better.

There is a very easy four step process you can do with your kids to end each day. When you are tucking them into bed have them start tapping. First ask them about what was good about today? You might make the question specific, “What are three good things about today?” Second, (all the time still tapping) ask them what didn’t they like about today. Third, (still tapping) ask them, “If you could change one (or two) things about today what would it be?” Finally ask them (yes…still tapping), “What is something you are hoping will happen tomorrow?”

You will notice that the first and four questions are positive. By opening with a positive question are making it easier start. It can feel much safer to start with the positive than the negative. By asking what they are hoping for tomorrow you are ending the conversation on a positive note, making it easier for a restful night of sleep.

You will also notice that this is a great opportunity to know what is really going on in your child’s life. When you ask a kid “How was school today?” more than likely they will just say “fine” or “good”. By asking these types of specific questions you are going to getting a better idea about what they are experiencing.

Don’t Be Afraid To Share You Life
If you are choosing to tap regularly with your child (like at the end of the day) you might consider not just tapping for your child, but also tapping for yourself. By having a conversation where you are sharing what is going on in your life will provide an opportunity to continue to grow your bond.

Obviously you are not going to share everything that is going on in your life and you are not going to go into the same detail that you would if you were working with a practitioner. You don’t want to be sharing anything that might scare your child. For example sharing that you were really angry with your spouse or that you are worried that you might loose your job is not going build a bond with your child, but instead scare them.

It is best to share things that they can relate to. For example feeling bad because you didn’t do as good of a job as you could with something at work or around the house. This can be a great tool in building your relationship.

Tapping On Your Kids
Kids not only love the one-on-one attention of tapping with a parent, many really like it when the parent does the tapping for them. When you are tapping with a child all you need to do is ask them, “Would you like to do the tapping or have me do the tapping on you?”

(As person who grew up in Montessori schools) I find it a very good thing to give kids choices. If you notice in the question I am not asking “would you like to tap?”, but instead I am asking them how they would like the tapping to happen. I am getting them to do something they need to do, but doing it in a way where they are in control and are getting to make a choice.

Also, if you are taking some time to tap on your issues (as suggested above), don’t be afraid to let your child tap on you (while making sure they don’t poke you in the eye).

Conclusion
There are many great reasons to tap with your kids. They will be happy, healthier, and you are going to be giving them tools that they can use on their own. I have many clients that report that their children (even as young as 6) tap on their own. AND as an added bonus, it will give you a great opportunity to continue to build your bond with your kids.

Creativity Boosting Techniques That Accelerate Tapping Success (AKA: How To Keeping Tapping When It Gets Boring Or Stale) Part 3 of 4

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[This article is part of a four part series on how to get create with tapping when you are stuck or bored with tapping. A new part willed be added every few weeks. See the parts that have been published so far and check back regularly to see the full series.]

photo by Brian

Mechanically tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very easy thing to do. All you need is to provide stimulus to the tapping points plus tuning into the issue at hand. The tapping part is easy; what can be hard is the tuning in part. Often we are so close to an issue or we have been working on an issue that it is difficult to see it clearly.

Recently Jeremy Dean’s PSYBlog had a very interesting two part series (via kottke.org) which explored 14 of ways we can become more creative and more efficient problem solvers. In this four part series I am going to explore how we can apply many of these insights to tune into our issues in new ways (plus a few of my own).

Obviously not all of these are going to work for every issue, but by having a complete menu to choose from you are going to find new ways to approach the issue.

Two Problems Are Better Than One (via part 2)

People solve many problems analogically: by recalling a similar old one and applying the same, or similar solution. Unfortunately studies have found that people are poor at recalling similar problems they’ve already solved.

In a counter-intuitive study, however, Kurtz and Lowenstein (2007) found that having two problems rather than one made it more likely that participants would recall problems they’d solved before, which helped them solve the current problem.

So don’t avoid complications, gather them all up; they may well help jog your memory.

How to apply to tapping: As this study points out, sometimes we are not successful by being specific (and something we can’t even get specific). One of the ways I like to deal with this is through a simple basket process.

I close my eyes and start tapping (moving from point to point every few seconds). I take a few deep breaths and imagine a large wicker basket. Then one at a time I place all the issues I am currently working on into the basket. I am not spending a great deal of time going into detail with each issue, but just seeing the general idea of the issue going in. Once I have added everything to the basket I do a number of simple steps.

First, I recognize that all of these issues exist because on some level my system thought they were helpful at some point. I let me system know that many (if not all) of these issues/idea have fulfilled their task and they can move on.

Second, I recognize that many of the ideas/issues are burdens that I have picked up for others. It is a high act of love to pick something up for someone else, but it is a higher act of love to release and heal these burdens.

Finally, I ask the system what insight and information it has to help me get past the issues that are left in the basket. I am often shocked at the amazing insight and information that is brought forward in these moments.

Fight! Fight! Fight! (via part 2)

We tend to think that when people are arguing, they become more narrow-minded and rigid and consequently less creative.

But, according to research by Dreu and Nijstad (2008), the reverse may actually be true. Across four experiments they found that when in conflict people engaged more with a problem and generated more original ways of arguing.

Being in social conflict seems to give people an intense motivated focus. So, to get creative, start a fight.

How to apply to tapping: One of my favorite types of tapping is argument tapping. In argument tapping all you do is give voice to each sides of an argument. As you move from point to point you state the opposing point of view.

For example, if you are trying to decide if you should take a new job you might tap like this:

eb: (con change) I am worried I am not going to like the new job
se: (pro change) But I know I need to leave the job I am in
e: (con change) But you aren’t going to know anyone at the new job
un: (pro change) You didn’t know anyone when you started your current job and you made friends
…

Think Love Not Sex (via part 2)

Forster et al. (2009) found that when experimental participants were primed with thoughts of love they became more creative, but when primed with carnal desire they became less creative (although more analytical).

While it certainly isn’t the first time that love has been identified as a creative stimulus, psychologists have suggested a particular cognitive mechanism.

Love cues us with thoughts of the long-term, hence our minds zoom out and we reason more abstractly and analogically. Sex meanwhile cues the present, leading to a concrete analytical processing style. For creativity, abstraction and analogy are preferred.

How to apply to tapping: Start your tapping sessions on an emotional high. There are couple of ways of doing this. You could either tap to a list of things you are thankful for or you can tap while thinking of the people you love (or both!). (I go into a much large discussion of why this happens in the free audio Gratitdue v. Poverty.)

By taking a few minutes to do this type of tapping you are going to release a great deal of the general edge and emotion you are feeling. By doing this type of work you are clearing some of your emotional clutter which help you to see things clearer which help you see a path to healing much clearer. (Here is another possible way to achieve the same thing in the free audio Clearing The Deck

This is part 1 of a 4 part series. Check out all 4 parts for more creative ideas.

Pod #41: Power of Forgiveness

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One of the most powerful tools in transformation is our ability to forgive ourselves and others. When we forgive we are not saying it is ok. We are not saying we want to have the same thing happen again. What we are saying is that we are choosing no longer to be emotionally entangled in the past. Forgiveness is one of the steps of moving from reliving to remembering.

In this show we will explore the power of forgiveness and how we can use tapping to make forgiveness of others and ourselves an important part of our transformation.

Pod #40: Questions and Answers About Tapping

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Gene host’s a radio program every other Tuesday @ Emotional Freedom Techniques Community Radio. In the most recent show Gene answered questions from beginners and practitioners alike from all over the world.

On this show Gene tackles for bigger questions

This week Gene answered:

  • Should I be working with a practitioner and how do I choose one?
  • I have seen some other tapping protocols that don’t use the same points that are taught in the EFT manual. Is it okey if I use other tapping points or will this mess things up?
  • I have heard you talk about in the past that you don’t trust what a client says about their issue? What do you mean by this and with this in mind how do you work?
  • I want to quit smoking. I tap on “Even though I am a smoke I love and accept myself” This makes me feel a little less stressed about quitting smoking, but I still smoke as much as ever. What can I do?

Important Links:

“…and I choose this for my reality!”

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[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]

One of the common mistakes we make when assessing a situation is making a generalizations. We say things like, “Everyone at work hates me!” or “Nothing I do is good enough for my boss!” It is obvious with a few moments of reflection that these statements aren’t true. Sure, there might be one or two people at work we don’t get along with, but it is not “everyone”.

The problem with these types of generalizations is they move us to a place were we are responding to them as if they were true. (The words we say out loud have that much power.)

If I walk into my workplace believing that everyone hates me I am going to act in a particular way. If I walk into my workplace believing that I don’t get along with Bill and Mary. I am going to act in a different way.

In the first situation I am going to come in ready for a fight at every turn while in the second situation I am going to know the two people I need to avoid through out the day if it is possible. Those are two dramatically different emotional states.

In addition to the generalization that we can have about what others think and feel we can also fall into the trap of generalization about ourselves. For example we can have generalization about our own actions and outcomes, “I fail at everything I try!”

One of the most troublesome of these generalizations about ourselves we can have is when we assign a characteristic of a group to ourselves. These types of generalizing can be about (but not limited to) our gender, race/ethnicity, age, job, and family. For example:

  • You know that men aren’t very good with talking about their emotions.
  • You know how fiery the Irish can be.
  • People my age can’t learn all this new technology.
  • EFT practitioners are just bad at marketing themselves.
  • The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships.

These types of generalization (like all generalization) often have a seed of truth in them. They become problematic when they are taken as total truth.

If I believe that, “The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships” then it is going to be very easy for me on a subconscious level to sabotage myself. Because I “know” it isn’t going to work out in the end I might as well end it now to avoid future pain.

It is amazing how a simple statement that we would just toss off as a fact the same way we would say “It is sunny today” can so dramatically affect our behavior.

I have found a very simple way that we can take the power out of these phrases. We can do this by bring our own responsibility to these statements. All we need to do is add, “…and I choose this as my reality” to the end of the phrase. When we do this we are changing from a member of a group with a characteristic (which we are a victim of) to being a person who is choosing our own reality.

Notice how much different each of these phrase feel when we add that phrase on to the end:

  • You know that men aren’t very good with talking about their emotions and I choose this as my reality.
  • You know how fiery the Irish can be and I choose this as my reality.
  • People my age can’t learn all this new technology and I choose this as my reality.
  • EFT practitioners are just bad at marketing themselves and I choose this as my reality.
  • The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships and I choose this as my reality.

When we choose something it means that we can change it. I am not longer at the mercy of the whims of fate, but I am back in control. If I want to keep that as my reality, great(!), but it is my choice. If I want to be something else I can choose that as well. When we take responsibility for our situation then we control our situation. When we control our situation we can become who we want to be.