Knowing Good Enough Is Good Enough OR The Myth Of Excellence

June 2, 2021 By Gene Monterastelli 16 Comments

Note: This article was originally shared on June 4th, 2013. This is an updated and edited version of that article.

While working with small business owners I bump into the issue of perfectionism a great deal. We all worry about what other people think of us but this becomes a particularly acute problem for small business owners whose success is directly related to their personal credibility and how they are perceived by others.

As an example, a client I’ll call “Jane” was building a WordPress website for her business and she was unsure how she wanted it to look.

WordPress allows users to change the look and feel of an entire website at the click of a button by switching from one theme to another. There are thousands of free WordPress themes and Jane was overwhelmed by the choice. She wanted the website to be just perfect.

What Is “Just Perfect”?

I find the concept of “just perfect” interesting. What exactly does that mean?

For many the idea of “just perfect” means that what we choose has to be top of the line or in the top one percent. It needs to be better than everyone else.

But is that really worth striving for?

I don’t think it is.

Often “just perfect” means that it is doing its job.

Where building a new website is concerned, it needs to provide information to prospective clients, so “just perfect” means that the site is visually clear, and easy to navigate and understand.

A $40 logo can be perfectly acceptable, so there’s no need to spend $4000 on one.

Plain, easy-to-read text does the job just fine, so animations and videos are optional extras.

Ideally, a website is a delivery system for great content. Jane’s readers will visit the site because of what they want to learn, not because of its fancy design.

That’s not to downplay beautiful design and the thought that goes into the look and feel of a good website BUT it’s important to understand the concept of “good enough”. Especially when we are just starting out, good enough is an excellent goal.

When Not Perfect = Failing

It is amazing that many of us feel like we have failed when something is just good enough.

We have been taught constantly to strive for better. We have been encouraged to dream. We long for a richer life. Because of all this expectation, we believe that if something isn’t perfect, then it is bad.

I believe that in the majority of cases, good enough IS good enough!

Years ago, my father gave me a great example of understanding this concept. In order to sell a new product at work he needed to get at least 70% in a certification exam. In the weeks leading up to the exam he studied diligently. When he got home from the test I asked him how he did and he told me, “I got 74%…I studied too hard.”

He knew exactly what good enough was. He wasn’t looking for an ego boost in wanting the best score in the region or needing to prove anything to himself (or anyone else). He just needed to pass the test so that he could move on to the next thing.

Being Perfect At Being Good Enough

I was talking about the idea of “good enough is good enough” with another client. She asked, “How do I master the idea of ‘knowing good enough is good enough’?”

I paused for a moment.

And then she laughed at herself as she realized how ridiculous that statement was…she had just asked “How do I be perfect at ‘not needing to be perfect all the time’?”

The key to transforming our sense of perfectionism is first to be easy with ourselves, and to be easy with the process of not being so hard on ourselves. By doing this we can focus on what is needed to be successful and release the need for everything to be perfect in order to be successful.

Here’s a tapping script you can use when you are struggling with the need to be perfect when good enough is just that:

It is important that I continue to strive in my life…There are parts of my life that I would like to be richer…There are relationships I would like to be fuller…I have gifts and talents I want to share with the world…But this doesn’t mean that everything has to be the very best…It is important that I keep all of my goals in perspective…Just because something can be done better doesn’t mean that it has to be done better…My laundry needs to be folded well enough…My bed needs to be made well enough…My car needs to be parallel parked well enough…It is possible for me to do all these things better…But nothing would be achieved by the extra effort…There are so many things I would like to grow into…That I need only spend as much time as is necessary on each task…I don’t want to do less than is necessary…But it is important that I maintain balance and perspective…What is essential is the final goal…Not each of the pieces…I give myself permission to be comfortable with good enough…And to know that good enough isn’t settling…But instead by achieving good enough I am giving myself the time and resources for all the parts making up what I am trying to achieve…I am going to keep the big picture in mind…To understand what is good enough in each situation…Good enough is not failing…It is good enough…And that is just perfect.

Click here to Read what others have to say or add your own thoughts and comments. I would really love to hear what you think!

Pod #394: 12 Lessons From Doing EFT With A Total Stranger On A Flight

October 10, 2019 By Gene Monterastelli 7 Comments

In my early years of tapping I was super eager to share tapping with everyone I possibly could.

Over time I learned that it was best to share tapping (or anything for that matter) only with people who are actually open to learning something new.

A number of years ago I was on a flight from Los Angeles to Chicago and ended up in a conversation with a fellow passenger that led to us doing a tapping session right there on the flight.

Here are the twelve lessons I took away from the experience that might help you when you are tapping on your own, tapping with others, or are in a situation where you might be able to share tapping with others.

You will find a written version of the twelve lessons below the player.

Support the podcast!

I was recently on a flight from LA to Chicago. For the last 45 minutes of the flight I ended up tapping with the woman seated next to me. I think there are a number of lessons that can be learned from this session.

Here is what happened and what I noticed:

What lead to this encounter?
When I boarded the flight, both of my seatmates were already seated. I was on the aisle. The woman in the middle seat, “Rachel”, didn’t even look up to make eye contact when I sat down. For most of the first three and half hours of the flight she slept and in the moments she was awake she didn’t say a single word to anyone.

When I left my seat to use the restroom I tossed my notebook on to my seat. The front of the notebook has the crest of the “National Guild of Hypnotists” on it and I noticed that Rachel read it when it hit the seat.

When I returned to my seat she asked, “Are you a hypnotist?” I told her I was and she asked if I could use hypnosis to get people to stop smoking. I told her that I had done lots of work with smoking cessation in the past. She asked, “Can you hypnotize me right now so I can stop smoking?”

Lesson 1: Rachel was obviously very serious about quitting smoking. She wanted change right away and was willing to try something that many might find embarrassing (being hypnotized) in a public place. When we encounter people who want change this desperately, we don’t need to spend a great deal of time trying to convince them that we can help them. If they are ready to go, we should be ready to go. Don’t waste time, just cut to the chase.
Lesson 2: The reason that I carry around my National Guild of Hypnotists notebook is because I know it is a conversation starter. Most people don’t know about tapping, but they do know about hypnosis. By doing this I can easily open up the possibility of talking about health and healing, which is a great way to open the door to a conversation about tapping without running the person over (which I was once known to do from time-to-time in my excitement about tapping).

What she knew?
I told her that this wasn’t the ideal situation to hypnotize someone. It would be possible, but there was a much easier way for us to create change. I told her there was this odd tapping thing we could do.

She said, “Oh yeah, my mom does that and she has tried to get me to do it in the past.” She then demonstrated tapping on a number the tapping points.

I simply asked if she wanted to give it a try and she readily agreed.

Lesson 3: Early in my practice I would have spent a lot of time explaining how tapping works, what points we needed to use, and what to expect. Rachel didn’t need to know any of these things. She was ready to try it. I have found that when I explain too much, I sometimes talk people out of tapping. She didn’t need any more information, explanation, or proof. If she had questions, she would have asked. It was time to work.

What might have felt unsafe?

Obviously this was not like my normal client sessions. Instead of being in the comfort of my office, or working over the phone with a client who is in familiar surroundings, we were in a very public place. As many as fifteen people could very easily have overheard our conversation if they wanted to listen in. Also, because I had no history with Rachel, no intake information, and no rapport built, I knew that I needed to tread gingerly.

It was obvious she was very motivated to do work, but I didn’t want to put her in an uncomfortable position of saying something that might make her feel unsafe with me or in this public place. As much as I would have liked to have done some regression work to get back to early memories that were at the root of the issue, I needed to make sure that I kept her comfortable and safe. Also, I didn’t want to put her off tapping. If she had an uncomfortable experience, then she might not come back to it ever again.

Lesson 4: It is very important that we understand where our clients are emotionally and what is safe and healthy for them. This does not mean that I don’t challenge or push my clients to go beyond their comfort zone, but neither does it mean that I have permission to run them over with my agenda. Sometimes success in a tapping session can be judged in the client’s willingness to tap again in the future on the issue.

What did she notice?
To start with I had Rachel tune into the sense of craving. For someone who normally smokes a cigarette every fifteen minutes, it was easy to find the craving after being on the flight for over three hours.

Once she was tuned into the craving I had her spend a few moments offering some thanks for the craving. The craving itself wasn’t good for her, but there was a reason the craving was there.

I had her tap on:

Even though I can’t see why the craving is helping…and I know the smoking isn’t good for me…there is a reason my system has the craving…and the system thinks it has a good reason for this craving…I am glad the system is trying to care for me in this way…even if I don’t like the way it is doing it.

I then asked her how the craving felt. Rachel reported that it was a little calmer and she felt much less frustrated with her craving for cigarettes. I then had her ask of the craving sensation, “Now that you recognize that it might be trying to help you, why is it trying to help you?”

She said it was like comfort food.

I then had her ask it, “In what way is this craving trying to comfort you?” She said it was to stop the anxiety.

Lesson 5: Often it is a revelation to clients that there could be a logical reason for their issue. This does not mean it is a beneficial reason for the issue, but just one that might make sense from a particular point of view. Once we are able to recognize this fact, it makes it possible for us to stop fighting with the issue. When we see the issue is trying to work for us, it is much easier to gather information that might be helpful in the healing process.

The Solar Plexus
Once we had tuned into the fact that the smoking was creating a sense of comfort from anxiety, I had Rachel tune into where that anxiety lived in her body. She said, “Here in my stomach” and pointed. She didn’t point to her stomach, but to her solar plexus.

Lesson 6: It is important that we understand what a client means, not what they say. Most of our clients don’t normally talk about their emotions or their physical bodies, so because of this they have a tendency to use imprecise language to describe what they are dealing with. It is really good as a practitioner to keep asking, “What I think you said is… Am I right about that?” In this case I didn’t need to do that because Rachel’s physical gesture provided the accurate information.

The Color Yellow
Once Rachel had let me know that the emotion was referencing her solar plexus I had her tune into that space and to imagine the color yellow filling the space. When an issue is located in the solar plexus, it often has a lot to do with self-esteem issues and this is the location of the third chakra, which is associated with the color yellow.

I had Rachel tap until she felt the space had enough yellow. When she reported there was enough yellow for now she also said that she was feeling much calmer.

Lesson 7: There are two things going on in this step. First, I am drawing on years of experience when it comes to issues of craving and self-esteem. If this were a normal client session, I would have asked more questions and wouldn’t have made the assumption so rapidly that yellow was the right way to go. But in this case since time was limited, I decided to go with my experience and instinct, but I was careful to keep checking in to see that this was the appropriate approach. If it weren’t, I could quickly have changed direction.
Lesson 8: You will notice that I didn’t bring up what I thought the issue was. I simply had her bring some yellow into the space. It was still early in the session. We had just met and she was still getting comfortable with working with me. If all of a sudden I revealed that I thought her smoking was because of self-esteem issues, it might have shut her down right way. She did not ask for help with her self-esteem. She had asked for help with her smoking and it might have been disconcerting to have a total stranger start talking about an issue she had not mentioned. It is OK not to reveal everything you think about an issue. Doing so might create problems for your client in moving forward, or you might be wrong, making it harder for your client to trust you.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
For the next twenty minutes I had her imagine smoking again and again. First, I had her just think about a cigarette. Once we tapped away all the symptoms and emotions I had her do it again. Each time she thought of smoking I had her think about smoking a little more and a little more, such as adding in lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. I had her imagine she was walking off the flight and going to the smoking lounge. I had her imagine the smell of the smoke coming from the lounge and seeing the other smokers.

Each time we added a new detail I would get Rachel to tune into the emotions and physical sensations again. We would tap on what was happening until it was gone and then repeated the process.

Lesson 9: Most tappers know this, but it is important to stress going back to an issue repeatedly. Just because you get something to a 0 on the SUD scale does not mean you have finished. Keep testing again and again.

“I don’t believe you!”
The process of repeating again and again can get a little boring for a client. It can be frustrating to see the same symptoms continue to pop up. From my point of view I could see we were making progress because it was taking longer and longer with each image before the symptoms would appear, but to the client it could look very much the same: think of smoking and feel a craving.

I could tell Rachel was starting to get bored with the process. When I asked her to tune in one more time and asked her if she noticed the craving she said, “No”, but right before she said it she did something interesting: she licked her lips. It was a physical sign that the craving was coming up.

So I simply said, “I don’t believe you. What symptoms do you notice now?” She laughed and shared what she was feeling.

Lesson 10: It is OK not to believe what a client is saying. You will notice that I didn’t say, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!” When I said it I looked her straight in the eyes with a big smile on my face. She knew I wasn’t being accusatory, but being gentle in wanting her to be better. Sometimes it’s good gently to challenge your clients when you are showing them you want what is best for them.

“What if I smoke a cigarette today…does that mean I failed?”
After doing 45 minutes of work she had made some great progress. We weren’t finished, but considering the magnitude of the work and the very public setting, we had done some amazing work. As we walked off the flight I asked her how she was doing.

She said, “I feel great. Normally after a long flight like this I would be in a cold sweat. But I have one question…if I smoke a cigarette later today does it mean I have failed?”

I explained, “No, you would not have failed!” and we then had a longer conversation about how the chemicals from the cigarettes were working as a way of taking the edge off her emotional state. More work might be needed, but she now had a tool to deal with the cravings when they came up. I reassured her that even if she only remembered to tap for one out of every four cigarettes, then she would be smoking twelve to sixteen few less cigarettes a day. That is huge.

Lesson 11: Our clients want so badly to be successful. When someone comes to me for help with cigarettes it is because they have already tried everything in the world. I am normally a last ditch effort. Because of this, there are already lots of emotions around feeling like a failure in the past. Addiction can be really hard emotionally because we hate the feeling of not having control of our actions. Also, if I really am a last ditch effort, there is the thought of “If this doesn’t work, I am stuck with this forever.”
In a normal client session I would have spent a little time tapping on “being easy with self” before we ended. I also would have done a few rounds of tapping on what we learned in the session to put her mind more at ease. We would have tapped on things like, “I can now see why I crave cigarettes,” “I can see my system is really working for me even if it isn’t choosing the best way to do this,” “I now have a toolset to deal with my cravings when they come up,” and “It is OK if this work isn’t done all at once. I have time.”

Staying Connected
Right before Rachel left the airport to meet her ride, I gave her my email address and told her, “I have a number of scripts and audios that you can tap along to for smoking. If you send me an email I will send you all these resources.”

She smiled knowing that she had support in this and went on her way.

Lesson 12: The reason I helped Rachel was because she asked. I love sharing the good word about EFT, but I also didn’t want to miss this opportunity. Even though Rachel probably understands much less about EFT than most of my regular readers, she knows a lot more about me. She knows about my working style and my personality. She also knows that I understand her and where she is coming from. As a professional practitioner this is a very valuable to me.

She might become a reader of my blog, she might refer a friend to me, she might become a client in the future, or I might never hear from her again. The act of offering her some free resources was intended to help her with no strings attached, but it could turn into something else. If we want to help more people and grow our practice, we must be willing to reach out to people so they know how to find us in the future.

Helping Someone With EFT Right Now!

December 18, 2012 By Gene Monterastelli 4 Comments

I recently had a chance to do EFT with someone who was having a really bad day. I didn’t have a lot of time to explain what we were doing and I didn’t know how to start. Because I wasn’t sure how to explain what we were going to do, I didn’t do anything. Do you have any suggestions on how to share EFT when you don’t have time to explain what you are doing?

photo by eyesplash Mikul

Here’s a story about using EFT when the person didn’t even know she was doing EFT.

I am part of a team which works in a school system to provide aid and support to faculties and staff in the first 72 hours of an emergency situation. We provide emotional support, debriefing opportunities, and response activities to help begin the healing process.

Recently we were called into a middle school on a Monday morning after one of the seventh grade teachers, “Jane”, had committed suicide over the weekend. By 11am much of our work was done. The students had had a chance to respond, we had identified the students and faculty who would need special attention, and the students were ready to get back to the school day.

Most of the team was debriefing in a hallway as we were waiting for one final class to finish. The vice-principal approached us to ask if one of us would be willing to talk with a second grade teacher who was having a particularly hard time.

I went downstairs to talk to the second grade teacher, “Sally”.

The teacher who had died had only been in the school a year and didn’t particularly get along with the rest of the staff. Sally had been one of Jane’s few confidants at the school. Sally was struggling with two issues.

First, she knew how hard Jane’s situation had been and was feeling guilty that she didn’t do more to help her. Second, she was mad because Jane had left behind a 13-year-old daughter.

I asked her if she wanted to try a relaxation technique that might help a little. I asked her to show me by holding her hands apart how big these emotions were. She held her hands about 2 feet apart.

So I said:

“Place both of your hands on your temples like this,” which I demonstrated by touching both of my temples with my fingertips, “take a few deep breaths and just listen to my voice”:

How could she have left her daughter like this…I should have done more…I knew it was coming and did nothing…her husband has to raise a child on his own.

“Now touch just below your nose like this,” as I demonstrated pressing above the upper lip, “take a few more deep breaths and just listen to my voice”:

Guilty I didn’t do more…mad she left them behind

I repeated this for the chin and collarbone points. I then checked in to see what was left, knowing we had made progress just by looking at her face. She showed her hands 4 inches apart, so we did one more round with just the four points.

I asked if she needed anything else.

She just wanted to give me a hug of thanks and headed back into her classroom.

There are a few things I learned or were reinforced from this experience:

Not all the points are always necessary. We have seen this as the basic protocol has moved from 14 to 7 points. Sometimes we don’t need more than one point. Use what is useful.
Client don’t have to say anything to tune into the issue. If the issue is intense enough they are fully tuned in and words are unnecessary. Also, the practitioner can provide the words of focus when the client can’t. In this case it was easiest for me to do it, since I didn’t have time to explain what we were doing.
Sometimes it’s easiest just to do the work, rather than explain what you’re doing. I know in the past I have talked people out of EFT by trying to talk them into it. People don’t want EFT (or any other tool or protocol), they just want to feel better. By asking, “You want to try something that helps?” they say yes to meet a need. But if I were to say, “Do you want to try a meridian-based psychotherapy that works with the energy of the body to heal at the cellular level?”, I’d be likely to encounter some resistance because I then have to explain every part of the question I just asked.
ALSO, because I didn’t feel that I had a lot of time to explain what we were doing, I had her use the touch and breathe method instead of tapping. I figured if I was going to have her tap it was a chance to place one more question in her mind. Keeping it as simple as possible removed all resistance to trying something new.
It’s not the best option, but it is possible to work with two issues at once. I have seen in my own practice how dealing with one small piece at a time can resolve bigger things, often collapsing more than just the particular issue we are working on. In this case I didn’t have a lot of time. I had pulled a second grade teacher out of a full class. I took a chance on a super shortcut. I only used four points for two issues at once. It worked. If it hadn’t, I would have moved to more points and dealt with one issue at a time. Since the first round of tapping took less than 60 seconds it was a chance worth taking.

I would love to hear about your experiences of working with others at short notice, please add them to the comment box below.

It’s Gone . . . For Now – Taking The Final Step

December 5, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli 5 Comments

photo by Susan NYC

I was working with a client this week and we were dealing with the emotional charge around a relationship with a family member. “Jackie” felt like her mother was demeaning her. Jackie’s mother always had nice things to say about all of her other adult children, but for some reason she was just really hard on Jackie.

After about 15 minutes of tapping on lots of issues Jackie was feeling much better. She was no longer worried about her mother’s unrealistic expectations, she was no longer frustrated at the injustice, and she was no longer disappointed in herself for not being who her mother thought she should be.

I had Jackie take a deep breath and a drink of water. I asked her how the issue felt over all. She said, “It feels great. I am not worried about my mother at all. It is all gone.” She then paused for just a half of a heartbeat and then added sheepishly, ” . . . for now.”

If I were to have her tune-in to the situation and use every trick in my practitioner arsenal it would have been very hard for me to get her to feel worried, frustrated, or disappointed to a number higher than a 1 on the SUDs scale. It was a really successful piece of tapping.

But, while we were clearing those emotions, very quietly, a new emotion crept in. The emotion of doubt that the results of this work were going to last in the long term could be heard in her very simple, ” . . . for now.”

We then spent a few minutes cleaning up this last emotion. We tapped on:

Knowing the work doesn’t have to be permanent and we can work on it in the future.
The fact that she is worried is a sign that a part of her really wants to be free of this and that is a good thing.
That a healthy sense of skepticism is a good thing because it helps us to keep our eyes open to new issues as they arise.
We won’t know for sure how this worked until she had spent time with her mother and her mother’s catty comments. Once she has spent more time with her mother she will have learned about specific areas still requiring more work.

After spending time with these aspects she felt much better. There was no longer that ” . . . for now” feeling.

It is really important that we clear all the issues, emotions, and aspects around what we are tapping on. It is really easy to miss some of these behind-the-scenes issues because they are not as obvious as the issues we originally started tapping on.

There is a very simple way to make sure you are getting all the extra parts. Once you have done the initial tapping just take deep breath, tune-in to the issue from a big-picture or bird’s-eye perspective and just ask yourself, “What is left?” By doing this in a more general way we are giving our mind the chance to find any of these other extra aspects.

If anything other than “I feel GREAT!” comes to mind, it is a really good idea to spend time tapping on these secondary, previously hidden aspects. You are going to be doing important healing work and you are going to ensure you are not giving the issues you just worked on a foothold for working their way back in.

Click here to add your own thoughts and comments or read what others have to say. I would really love to hear what you think!

Keeping the Long View – How To Understand The Healing Process With Tapping/EFT

August 6, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli 5 Comments

photo by Wally Gobetz

Why it is hard to stay focused on one issue over time with Tapping/EFT?

I hear from clients all the time that they have a hard time staying focused on an issue that takes more than one session to knock out, or as they work on a issue for a long period they feel like they are not making any progress and lose their motivation for tapping. This something that happens to everyone who taps and it happens for a good reason.

One of the characteristics of a strong emotional response is the fact that it holds our attention to that response. We are so deep into the emotions we can’t see anything else. This can become a problem when it affects our ability to understand the healing process we are experiencing. When we don’t see the progress we are making because we are caught in the emotion it is easy for us to lose motivation because it feels like a waste of time. When this happens we often stop tapping.

Healing has ups and downs as we get better and better

One of my favorite analogies of healing is of a spring stretched at an upward direction on an angle. Imagine a long spring in front of you. It is stretched from the floor to the ceiling at a 45 degree angle. Imagine that it is going from the lower left to the upper right.

If we trace the spring we are going to be going up and down with each spiral of the spring, but as we move along it we will move in an upward direction over the long haul.

This is similar to our experience of healing. As we are tapping on our issues we are slowly moving upwards, but there will be daily up and down moments.

The difficulty comes when we are having a down moment. The problem is not that we are down, but when we are down we are so completely caught in the down emotion that we lose sight of the progress we’re making. We forget everything we’ve achieved on the way to that point.

It really helps to have someone pointing out that we really are making progress, that we are continuing to move in an overall upward direction (tracing the full length of the spring), even though there are small ups and downs along the way (tracing each spiral).

This doesn’t negate or explain away the negative emotion we are feeling in the moment, but it does give us some perspective. Healing seems more attainable when we have this perspective.

Almost without exception when I’m working with a client over six weeks I expect that I’ll need to point out that they really have made a great deal of progress, even though they can’t feel it right now. It is natural and common to be caught up in where we are in this moment.

This is one of the reasons we bring our problems to loved ones and professionals alike. Both help us to see the long view and the progress we are making. Not only is it helpful for us to have someone remind us of the long view when we are down, it can also be helpful to have someone show us the long view when we are up.

What the healing process with tapping looks like over time and how we don’t see it in ourselves

I was touching base with one of my clients, “Debbie,” recently. She was telling me about a phone conversation she had just had with her sister. The context for the conversation is Debbie’s mom has suffered an on-and-off battle with cancer for years. For the last few months she has been in and out of the hospital. Debbie’s sister is currently pregnant with twins.

Debbie’s sister called and started screaming and yelling at Debbie and in such a ferocious way that Debbie couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Debbie calmly explained this to her sister, saying that she was sorry her sister was so mad at her, but Debbie was happy with the choices she had made. She offered her sister a chance to have a reasonable conversation about what had transpired, but it was not acceptable for her to be spoken to in that way. Her sister hung up!

It was quite amazing that she had responded so calmly, but it was even more amazing considering her history. I’ve worked with Debbie on and off for over eighteen months. When I first met her she would have flown off the handle if her sister had spoken to her in that way. Then she would have cried. Then she would have called a friend and cried to her friend. Then she would have felt bad for burdening her friend with her issues.

All of those responses would have been reasonable. When we are attacked, especially by a loved one during a trying family time, it’s reasonable for us to fight back. Instead, Debbie was able to see through the situation and identify what was really going on.

She saw that her sister might be over-emotional because of her pregnancy and their mother’s illness. She saw that it might not have anything to do with what she had done, but this was the place her sister was choosing to lash out. She realized that she was happy with the choice she had made that her sister was reacting to and wasn’t going to change her decision.

Debbie was able to react in this way because she was much more comfortable in her own skin. Eighteen months ago she would have taken the attack personally. Her fragile self-esteem would have been bruised by the experience. She would have responded in anger, which is the body’s way of protecting from an attack.

This is not to say that Debbie shouldn’t protect herself, or that responding in anger is always bad. In this situation Debbie identified the situation for what it was, understanding that she wasn’t IN FACT being attacked but was the chosen recipient for some misguided rage.

What’s most amazing about this is that Debbie didn’t even realize she was responding differently from how she would have done in the past. As her sister was yelling at her she didn’t think, “I am choosing not to take this attack personally. I am going to be calm.” She was just calm. It was only when I pointed out to her that she had responded differently that she realized her own transformation.

We need help sometimes to see the change Tapping/EFT has provided

The reason the change wasn’t obvious to Debbie was because she was not making a new choice but she has changed how she sees herself. Between the work we have done together and the work she has done on her own, Debbie has transformed her understanding of her own worth.

Debbie is not “doing” anything differently. She is “being” someone different. Because she is comfortable in her own skin it is natural for her not to overreact to the attack, because there is no reason to attack.

It is just as important for us to recognize this type of transformation as it is to recognize that when we are down in the moment we are still moving up over the long-term. When we recognize this sort of transformation it does a few things for us. First, we can celebrate that we are doing better than before. Second, it encourages us to progress further.

Debbie’s experience is a perfect example of The Stages Awareness. I encourage you to read that article to help you see where you are on the path to healing, showing you that you are on the right path and what further steps can be taken.

Good Questions Help Illuminate the “Big Picture” of a Core Issue

June 11, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli 1 Comment

We are taught when tapping it very import to be as specific as possible. The more specific we are the faster Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping works. Sometimes it is better to take a more global approach to an issue. Instead of moving from the general to the specific we can use the specific to find our way to a much deeper issue. When doing this we see the specific as being a symptom to a much larger issue that we weren’t aware of. In this article Vermont based practitioner Jade Barbee shares an experience were he was able to take a very specific issue to find a much deeper issue to do work on.

[Jade Barbee shares EFT from his office in Southern Vermont. He specializes in using EFT to help people recover from the effects of trauma of all kinds, as well as step into a greater sense of personal power, authority, self-esteem and authentic expression. His friend Ganesha is in private practice in New Orleans and can be reached at reikiganesh [at] gmail.com.]

Recently, I learned something very powerful about practicing EFT that I’d like to share. A practitioner friend named Ganesha, a friend and recent student of Sonya Sophia out in California, did something with me that has not only been beneficial for me personally, but has also strengthened my ability to help others. In essence, by offering a gentle, thorough line of questioning, he helped me release my problem. I believe this happened because I was able to make connections at the beginning of our session that served to disarm my resistance to looking deeply at what was going on with me.

Many practitioners are familiar with the importance of asking good questions and building rapport with your client. What was new to me was how Ganesh allowed the details and intensities to linger while we delved deeper and deeper into my subjective experience of the issue. This is something I had previously touched on in many sessions, but never quite like this. Later what I realized was so powerful about this approach was how our exploration seemed to naturally disarm any body resistance to change (called PR or Psychological Reversal).

Our rapport together was also strengthened, and I literally felt so held and free by his gentle line of questioning, there was literally no real need to use the “setup” phrase during the entire process. Experienced EFTers will also notice how we employed the strategy of “continuous tapping” on acupuncture points during the discussion – which helped my body clear the energy of the words as we tapped. He also tested and measured my intensity levels around the original issue as well as several other aspects that were uncovered along the way.

My Body Won’t Let Go

We began with me talking about my “issue.” I had just awoken from a nap at a friends house and had noticed my jaw was tight and that I felt frightened. It had occurred to me that this was a somewhat common occurrence. I started to describe my symptoms:

“It feels like I’m scared to sleep sometimes. Like I’m afraid to completely let go. It’s almost as if my consciousness is hanging on for dear life and won’t let go of the bed.”

He asked me to put my issue into a few succinct words. We decided upon, “My body won’t let go.”

What Are Some Negative Feelings You Have Around “My Body Won’t Let Go?”

In other words, he was asking me what is was like to experience what I was going through. My EFTer’s mind was racing: I remembered that these symptoms had appeared in my late twenties, and I knew that there had been trauma that was a likely cause. However, I actually didn’t want to revisit this today. Instead I chose to go with the sense that something else, something earlier in my life was involved. Ganesha was already tapping, and motioned that I could tap along as well. So I tapped as I talked, one thought per point or so:

“Frustrating. It isn’t safe. Disappointing. I can’t fix it. Out of control. Awareness of teeth clicking. Unease. Trepidation. Limitation. Stuckness. The stuckness is about a 7 (on an intensity scale of 1-10).”

As many people know, EFT can be applied to any one of these words or phrases – each one a possibly rich healing doorway, but Ganesha encouraged me to keep tapping while he gently questioned me some more:

What’s Some of Your Negative Self-Talk Around This?

I answered:

“You should be free of this. All this EFT and you can’t be free of this? You’re doing something wrong. You’re irreparably broken.”

I was kind of surprised at what was coming out of my mouth, but it was honest, and I sensed the tapping – and Ganesha’s gentle voice, was really helping things flow. I did really want to get to the bottom of “body won’t let go,” not just in my sleep habits, but in my musical, creative expression as well.

What Do You Think Are Some of the Cultural Beliefs Around This?

Immediately I came out with:

“Letting go isn’t safe – I might be out of control. I might be too much. Things might get out of hand. If things get out of hand, they might embarrass someone. Maybe someone else will feel bad. Oh my god, I’m totally seeing an image of my mother.”

What is Your Earliest Memory of This?

This one was easy:

“My mother disapproved. At 10 or 11, she could shut me down with just one look. I made her feel uncomfortable. My behavior was too much for her. Too girly for a young boy. Too expressive. I had to protect her from me. I think I still do that. Letting go is never safe. Always trying to let go, but how can anyone TRY to let go? It’s impossible! I’ll never be able to let go. Music. It’s part of why I have never given myself over to music.”

Ganesh asked for some intensity levels around what was coming up for me. Sad: 8 (out of 10). I responded with some more thoughts about letting go, knowing from my own work that imagining the possibility of “letting go” might bring up some more core stuff. I continued to talk and tap:

“I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I can let go consistently. What might happen if I did? If I let go, others might be hurt. I was always worried about letting go and hurting others.”

He asked:

What Happened Before When You Did Let Go?

“I lost control. People got hurt. It was ugly. I could have killed someone. I was afraid to hurt others. It was also humiliating. It was shameful when I did lose control.”

At this point a clear memory surfaced. I was seeing myself as a 10 year old, dancing in the laundry room of one of my childhood homes. I tapped and described the scene before me and how I had been mercilessly teased by the neighborhood kids who had been spying on me. How there had been no privacy in that house and how angry I had been. I recognized that there were literally a cascade of emotions, aspects and other memories here, but it felt right to just bring my attention back to this one, specific memory. I continued to visualize myself as a young man, then talk about the house and that time in my life, including all the players involved. It was at this point Ganesh took me back to my original phrase with some systematic tapping:

“Eyebrow Point (EB): Body Won’t Let Go
Side of Eye (SE): Body Won’t Let Go
Under Eye (UE): Body Won’t Let Go…”

Long story short, we continued to tap through “Body Won’t Let Go,” stopping to measure the intensity (in this case, the truth) of the original statement. I actually couldn’t find much truth in the statement at all by this time, and the “stuckness” (remember if was a 7) was now quite low as well.

As our session drew to a close, we discussed the many aspects that had come up, and how I could use EFT to “sweep out the corners” or investigate other areas further as the days went on. I was thankful that he had four pages of notes outlining the process for me to take home.

The Ability to See the Big Picture

In the days that have followed, the most startling effect from our session is my approach to my creative work. Something powerful has shifted within me, and I’m heartily exploring my musical work in ways I never have in the past.

I have also been awakening with a greater sense of peace and confidence in all my abilities – and having this last throughout the day. I attribute this profound shift to this latest session.

In EFT, we are always on the lookout for core issues, but sometimes a core issue is so big, it’s like we’re standing too close to a large painting. Tapping through the questions in the way we did was a like a slow stepping back. With each step the whole story was allowed to come into greater focus. I am greatly appreciative to my friend Ganesha (and his recent teacher Sonya Sophia) for their mindful approach to EFT. Stay tuned!

Reasons That Stop Us From Trying

May 20, 2011 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

Often we are ourselves the biggest obstacle to our success. We hold beliefs that prevent us from trying, that prevent us from recognizing the opportunities we have to move forward. “Brian” was in a situation where he wanted to move forward with his business. He came up with a number of brilliant ideas to move his business ahead, but when push came to shove he wouldn’t take the steps he needed to take to move forward.

When we successfully identify these beliefs, tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT) is a perfect tool for melting these beliefs away, allowing us to easily follow through on our inspiration.

Using a few advanced techniques, we had isolated the source of Brian’s resistance. He was afraid because he had accepted the belief, “I have to be perfect at everything.”

This was a really wonderful piece of information. We could easily understand why this was preventing the forward progress. The belief system looked something like this:

I have to be perfect at everything
When I am not perfect it feels horrible
- I am not living up to what I should live up to.
- Others are going to look down on me.
- I am going to let myself down.
- I am going to feel foolish when I fail.
Therefore, I am only going to try things I know I am going to be perfect at

This belief system served Brian well. It spared him the misery of feeling foolish by avoiding the conditions that required him to be perfect.

The flaw in the system was the first supposition.

We don’t have to be perfect at everything.

There are lots of things that we don’t have to be perfect at. So we tapped:

I don’t have to be perfect at everything…there are lots of things that I need to do just well enough at…I don’t have to tie my shoes perfectly…I don’t need to make a sandwich perfectly…I don’t have to make the bed perfectly…there are lots of things in my life that all I need is to do them well enough…this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop striving…this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop striving for excellence…but I am going to keep everything in perspective…I am going to give myself permission to know that I can do some things well enough without having to do them perfectly.

This round of tapping created a greater sense of peace for Brain, but he could still feel some resistance. For some reason it was still a standard he needed to live up to. So we continued the work by going after the definition of perfect.

It is good that I am trying to be perfect…this is rooted in wanting to do my best…this is rooted in wanting to become my best self…but perfect isn’t about getting everything right…perfect is about doing the best that I can…perfect is about living in this moment…perfect is being able to be thankful for this moment…perfect is being able to recognize that in this moment I get to choose who I am…in this moment I get to learn more about myself in the world…perfect is being easy enough with myself that I can know I am going to get another chance…perfect is striving to be my better self…I am always going to be a work in progress…I am never going to do everything perfectly…but I can live this moment as perfect…by striving to be my best…this moment can be perfect because I can learn from the things I am not doing perfectly

This created more peace and relief for Brian. It also created a belief that he could move forward without having to be perfect. As we were doing the tapping described above, Brian remembered his father’s need for perfection from Brian, even when he was a young child. We then tapped to clean up the emotions in those memories.

Lessons from this session:
1) If you don’t know why the feeling is there, ASK!
Brian had no idea what beliefs were preventing him from moving forward. Once we isolated where the belief was located it was a simple matter of asking. The answer was, this kept Brian safe.

When I tune in to a physical feeling, belief, or emotion, and I don’t know why it is present, I ask three questions:

What are you afraid of?
What are you trying to protect me from?
What information are you trying to convey?

This won’t always give us the information we need, but it will lead us in the right direction.

2) It is there to protect us
I feel like a broken record when I repeat this over and over, but it is a point that can’t be missed. Brian’s failure to move forward protected Brian from the pain of not living up to perfection. Once we understood how Brian was being protected, we were able to transform the false belief into more useful thought patterns.

[Note: Are you looking for tools to help you get out of your own way and achieve what your really want? Check this out]

Trying On The Old Positive Feeling

December 29, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

Things in my life have gone all pear-shaped lately. About three years ago life was just going great then everything seemed to fall apart. I started to have health issues, I ended a long-term relationship, and I just didn’t have the same energy when I got up in the morning. Is there a way that I can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to make my way back to feeling good?

photo by Maria Morr

I love synchronicity in life. I received this e-mail the same day I worked with a client for a very similar issue. The client call was with “Betty.” Betty wanted to do some work because physically she was exhausted all the time and life seemed like a real chore.

At the beginning of our call Betty shared that in the last six years she has had two loved ones die, she had gained weight, and she was feeling very disconnected at work from a job she used to enjoy.

To start with we spent some time with her emotional state and how she felt in the immediate moment. I have found when working with an issue that is multifaceted it is best to start with how we feel about all the issues and how all the issues are affecting our lives today.

I do this because it can be hard to focus on any one aspect of the issues when we feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done. I have found if we take just a few rounds of tapping to deal with the current emotional state that we will have much more clarity around the larger issues that need our attention.

Betty and I spent about 15 minutes just working with how overwhelming it felt to be dealing with so many issues. We also spent some time with how overwhelming life felt because of the lack of energy she was feeling. After doing this work she was much more at peace. Life wasn’t perfect, but she was ready for the next step.

Without being asked she started talking about what life was like six years ago. She talked about how she just felt like she had a “spark” back then and that she really wanted to feel and experience that spark again. Her goal was not to somehow achieve an issue-free life, but instead she really just wanted have energy for life again.

I had her start tapping again and asked her to take a few deep breathes. I asked if she could tune-in to the feeling she felt six years ago when she felt the “spark.” After a few seconds she said, “Yes” and I could hear a little more energy in her voice.

I asked her, figuratively speaking, to “try on” the old feeling of that spark, energy, and zest for life as if it was a new outfit that she was trying on at a store. She said, “That feels really good.” I then followed up by asking, “What doesn’t fit quite right? Is it too small, too big, or does it feel uncomfortable in any way?”

Betty then described that it didn’t fit right because some of the relationships at work had changed. A good friend had been promoted and she felt it would change their relationship. We then did some tapping around that issue. Very quickly she was at peace around this relationship.

Again, I had her “try on” the outfit of feeling that old spark for life. It felt even better, but this time she was worried because of her health. She was afraid that she wasn’t going to be able to do as much at work as she did before. Since she was doing less work she was concerned that it was going to be less enjoyable. We spent some time tapping around having balance at work and not doing too much. We also did some tapping around the idea that good work is judged by the quality of work, how we are challenged, and being able to contribute. Good work is not judged by the quantity of work that is done.

We repeated this process three or four more times. Each time Betty tried the outfit of spark on again. We found the parts that didn’t fit right. By doing this each time the feeling of spark became more and more possible.

Obviously this isn’t going to work in every satiation but if you are struggling to find a place to start tapping think about how it would feel to be back to your old self. Try that feeling on. Doing this will help you to find the parts that don’t “fit” right and are a little off which, in turn, will give you a great place to start tapping.

An Unexpected Place To Start With Physical Pain

December 14, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 3 Comments

Recently one of my clients, “Ann,” who wanted to do some Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) for her ankle, contacted me. She had been jogging in a park. Because of the way the grass had grown she did not see a large hole. She stepped into it and went down hard.

Fortunately for Ann she did not rip or break anything. However, she was in a great deal of pain and was told that she needed to be on crutches for two weeks to give the ankle a chance to heal.

As it turned out, we had a chance to do some tapping five days after she had hurt herself. At first glance you would have thought that we would have started with the physical pain and the physical healing process. Instead we started with emotions around the injury itself and how she felt about it at that moment.

I took this approach for two reasons. First, I am not a doctor and physical injury is not my expertise. Second, even though I have no proof, I believe that if we are spending energy on emotions (like overwhelm and worry) then we are spending resources that could be used for the physical healing process. We can also create secondary gain issues around not having the injury heal.

Our tapping sessions happened in 5 steps.

Embarrassment
To begin with, I had Ann take a few deep breaths and tune-in to all that had happened. I had her think about how she hurt herself and how everything had unfolded since the fall. She reported that she felt embarrassed.

I asked her if she felt embarrassed because she fell while simply running on seemingly flat ground. Ann said, “No, I am more embarrassed by the fact that I am on crutches and everywhere I go people ask me about what happened.”

You will notice that my initial thought was wrong. I was injecting my perceptions of what I would personally find embarrassing into her moment. Remember, whenever you are tapping with someone who says they feel a certain emotion it is good to ask them why they feel that emotion.

Once Ann had identified that she was embarrassed by the attention she was getting we tapped on:

People are asking because they are concerned and care

This will only happen for a short period of time

In a few weeks no one is going to remember

Missing Running In The Fall
After we had cleared the embarrassment I again asked Ann what emotion was dominant now. She reported a little sadness. When pressed on why she was sad she said that she really enjoyed running at this time of year and felt the injury was causing her to miss an opportunity.

So we tapped on:

Appreciating the fact that she has run during this time of year in the past

Running isn’t the only thing she can do outside at this time of year

That because she can’t run this time of year it is helping her to realize that she can do lots of other things in this weather besides just running

It was only temporary

Breaking Down
Once the feeling of sadness was clear I asked again what she was feeling. She said that she was realizing that she wasn’t as young as she once was. Now she is starting to break down physically.

So we tapped on:

Aging is a reality

But she is in better shape today than she was 10 years earlier because of the fact that she had been running on a regular basis

A moment like this gives her a chance to recognize that her health is a blessing

It is a reminder that she needs to keep working to maintain her health and well-being

She was going to bounce back from this much faster because she was in shape. When she started running again she wouldn’t be in the exact same shape, but she wouldn’t have lost as much as she thought.

Appreciating The Healing Process
Ann then reported that there wasn’t an emotional charge left so we moved on.

The next thing I had her do was to tune-in to the physical pain itself. I had her think about the whole ankle area. After having her tune-in to the level of pain and to the type of pain I had her concentrate on the work the body was already doing. We tapped on something like this:

Right now my body is healing in many ways . . . most of these ways are happening on a subconscious and unconscious level . . . I love the fact that my body is able to do so much healing in big and small ways without me having to think about it . . . I know my body has been working day and night to continue the healing process . . . I give my system permission to continue this healing process . . . I know that if it needs anything it can just ask.

After tapping in this fashion Ann reported feeling even more at peace.

What Does The Space Need
Finally, after all of this we did some work on the actual physical pain. Ann said that there was a feeling of pressure coming from the inside of the ankle. She reported that it felt like a conflict between the flesh around her ankle that was swelling to heal and the compression of the wrap that was helping the healing process.

So we tapped on:

I appreciate the fact that my ankle is swelling to be able to heal . . . but I want my ankle to know that it is not the only part of my system that is working for my ankle’s health . . . I am adding compression to my ankle to help the healing process . . . by doing this I am using the intellect and advice of my medical team . . . to insure that I am healing at the right rate . . .

After tapping in this fashion she asked her ankle what else it needed in that space. Ann reported that it needed support on the inside, “Kind of like little crutches on the inside.” As she tapped she imagined that happening.

At that point she reported that her ankle felt much better.

It is important to note that she did not jump up and start dancing on the ankle. The healing process was not done, we had just helped it along. I encouraged her to keep tuning-in to the emotions around the injury and to keep tapping for the ankle.

If you are interested in a longer conversation about how to tap for pain and how to manage pain, check out Tapping For Physical Pain w/ Carol look and Pain Is Not Real w/ Dan Cleary.

Weight Loss with EFT against All Odds

October 23, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

[Note From Gene: I have encountered a number of people who are willing to try Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping, but because they don’t get earth shattering results right away they give up. There are many times issues can be cleared up right away, but that is not always the case.

Here is a great example, by Lynne Shaner, of the power of tapping when it is applied in a systematic way and applied to many different aspects of the issues. In this example she uses tapping for the emotions she is feeling, the medical treatment she is receiving, and for the cravings. This is a model we can all learn from.]

Lynne Shaner is an EFT practitioner and hypnotherapist. She is director of Praxis: Wellness in Life + Work and has a practice based in Washington DC, where she works with clients locally and by phone/skype.

photo by James Jordan

I work every day as an EFT practitioner, and reassure my clients that EFT works. I also use hypnotherapy—the two are beautiful together. But then, sometimes, my own concerns need to be worked on, and I find myself as worried as a newcomer—will this work? What should I say? This is a medical thing—-how can it work?

As ever, we try it on everything. Most recently, I had a perfect storm of problems that pointed to a bad outcome. EFT did work, I am happy to report—though it took persistence.

Last December, I was faced with a difficult situation. Because of a serious medical condition, I had to go on a massive dose of steroids. I had tried other approaches but the condition was not improving, so steroids were necessary. It was the holiday season, the season of wonderful, high-calorie food. I had just turned 51 and my doctor and just let me know that menopause was in full swing. And now I was on heavy-duty steroids. A prescription for significant weight gain. I was terrified that I would gain twenty or more pounds. I had just lost a few pounds, and needed to lose about 10 more. I told my doctor that I intended to do just that and he basically said that it was impossible, that mostly (in almost 100% of the cases he worked with) people gained weight on steroids; they never lost weight.

So—a challenge. I decided to make this into a test of EFT. What would I do if a client came to me with this concern? And what might be possible? The story ends on a good note—I lost weight (and the steroids and other EFT work did the job of fixing the medical problem.)

Here’s how it worked.

Addressing the Fear
First, I addressed all of the fears I had, tapping on every fear and worry I had. I used language like this:

Even though I am afraid I’ll gain weight…
Even though obesity runs in my family and I’m now on steroids and I’m afraid I’ll gain weight…
Even though I’m starting menopause and women always gain weight, and now I’m on steroids so it must double the problem….
Even though my doctor believes I will gain weight…

I addressed all of the fears I had, all of the stories about weight gain with steroids, with menopause, and my fear that this was just a completely impossible situation.

I did this many times—not just once. Whenever fears came up, I addressed them, throughout the eight months I was on steroids.

Addressing the Medical Treatment
I then, every day, did a little ritual with my medication. I told my body, while tapping, that these were miracle drugs, and that we could take the miracles and leave the rest…that there was no need to take on any side effects.

I also did a little Reiki on the pills each morning before I took them, allowing them to be “blessed” with energy that I intended for healing—-without side effects.

When fear came up, I’d do a little round on that:

Even though I am afraid of the side effects, especially weight gain and sleeplessness…
Even though these are so powerful and I’m still afraid of them…I love and accept myself and I’m giving my body permission to take the miracles and leave the rest.

Doing the Footwork
I spent a lot of time online looking for “weight loss while on steroids,” and there isn’t much there. But there was one story of a woman who did lose weight while on steroids. That’s all I needed. If one other person could do it, so could I—especially since I have EFT at my fingertips. The power of suggestion, her example to me, helped lift my sense of hopefulness.

The other critically important part of the footwork was to do the calorie calculation needed to lose weight. I did that and lopped off a few more—(consult your medical doctor, please; I am not a health care professional and did what worked for me—you and your body’s needs are different from mine.). I stuck rigidly, religiously, slavishly to my nutritional program, which was a low-calorie regime. No exceptions. I was absolutely rigid on this.

Dealing with Cravings
The dirty little secret of steroids is that not only do they have the capacity for wreaking all sorts of havoc, they give you the appetite of a teenage linebacker. I was no exception. I wanted to eat everything in my path. So—I treated myself as I would an alcoholic and assigned myself a tapping routine for each time the cravings came up. Sometimes I had time to do a whole round:

Even though I want this (name the specific food) so badly, I love and accept myself and it’s ok to let it go…
Even though I feel hungry, and this looks so good, I love and accept myself and it’s ok to have water instead
Even though I really, really want this, I’m going to be ok without it….

Sometimes I wanted to rush into the refrigerator and there seemed to be no time for a round, so I tapped on the collar point and just said “releasing this craving,” as many times as I needed to (backing out of the kitchen.)

What Happened?
Month one: Five pounds dropped off. My doctor said he had never experienced that with a patient.

Month two: Another five pounds.

Month three: Three more pounds and I was at my goal weight. Again, the doctor just said that he had never seen this before.

Month eight: Steroid usage complete and terminated. I have kept the weight off and now am back to normal.

Mindful, creative use of EFT achieved what is considered to be practically impossible, given all of the factors in my situation. I lost weight while on steroids, going through menopause, despite starting off during a high-calorie holiday time. From now on I’ll never question whether EFT works for weight loss—in my own body and in any client’s. As long as the steps I outline above are used consistently, it is very likely to work every time.

The Stories We Have Been Told About Success

July 25, 2010 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

photo by Jen Watson

Many times we are making choices and responding to the world based on the expectations that we have received from friends, family, and cultural norms. These expectations might not be useful to who we would like to become. In many cases they can stop our progress. Here is a very simple Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping technique that can be used when dealing with the expectations that we have received from others.

I have been working with “Martin” for a while. He wanted to see transformation in what he did for a living. He felt as if there was a higher calling for his life that he had not been able to figure out. After a number of very successful sessions Martin plateaud.

Martin had come to a much clearer vision of what he wanted his life to look like, but for some reason he just couldn’t act. As we were talking about this the wall he had bumped into he said, “I know what I need to do, but I am stuck on all these stories of what at 35 year olds life is suppose to look like.”

The instance he said those words I had the flash of a book in my imagination. I instructed Martin start tapping and to image that we was sitting at a table with a blank book and a pen on the table. I then asked him to start to write all of the stories that had been given to him about what a 35 year olds life should look like.

I told him to take his time, to write as much as he needed, if he needed another book because he had filled the first it would just appear on the table, and asked him to let me know when he was done writing.

I check in with him ever few minutes for the next 20 minutes as he wrote and wrote and wrote.

After filling five books he let me know that he was done.

I then asked him what we should do with these books. “Do we lock them away? Put them on a shelf for later use? Destroy?”

He replied, “I am not one who thinks that it is a good idea to burn books, but in this case I will make an exception.”

[Important Note: Early in my practice I would have simply instructed my client to try to destroy the book in his imagination because that is what I would have wanted to do. I have learned over time that client’s system knows what is the best way to proceed. I will give options, like I did in this case, to spark the clients imagination, but I leave the next step up to them.]

In his imagination he poured gasoline on the books and lit them. I asked Martin if the books were burning. He said, “No”.

At this point we started to explore the different reasons why it was hard to let go of the stories in those books. We discovered that part(s) of him felt:

If the stories were let go then the people who passed those stories along would also be let go.
If the stories were let go then there would be no guidance at all.
What if the stories were let go, but needed later they couldn’t be found?
What if the stories were really right?

One at a time we tapped on these issues. After we cleared all the issues Martin tried again to burn the books. This time he was successful and felt a great sense of relief and freedom.

The Process
The process itself is very easy to be repeated.

Start tapping and just move from tapping point to tapping point every few seconds.
Image yourself sitting at a table giving yourself permission to write all the stories that have been given to you about what the world thinks success is for you.
If you need more books they will appear.
After the writing is done ask your system what you need to do with these books so that you can be free from others stories so that you can write your own.
If you are unable to complete the step of freeing yourself tap on the issues that are making it difficult for you to let these stories go.
Do what your system needs to release these stories.

Living Up To My Calling

August 18, 2009 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

photo by pensiero

One of the things I find so enjoyable about my work is the type of clients I get to work with. Many of them are motivated to become, for lack of a better description, their ‘higher self’. Based on their background and belief system they may use many different terms and phrases to describe this desire, but the core desire is basically the same. Many of them use the term “calling” for this, believing that there is something higher compelling them to live in this way.

Often my clients find themselves struggling because they feel they are falling short of their goal, or because they believe they don’t understand what their true calling is.

It’s very common to be quite hard on one’s self for falling short. I have observed with many clients that the way they beat themselves up is often far harsher than the failings they are beating themselves up for. It’s so easy for us to believe that because we can see the vision of our higher selves that we must become our higher selves right now.

This is not the case. Whatever our motivations, we need to understand that there is a process we need to go through to reach this vision.

This is a struggle I have experienced in my own life: wondering if I am living to become all that I can and wondering if I am even clearly seeing this vision of all that I can be. When I bump into this I am brought back to the words of Thomas Merton. I have found them very useful to pray and to tap to.

Try tapping along:

“My Lord God. I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are always with me, and you will never leave me to face perils alone.” – Thomas Merton [How to use these phrases]

Tapping For Poker

June 20, 2009 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

photo by Christian Fortier

Some people aren’t comfortable with the idea of gambling, but my experience working with a professional poker player demonstrated how our emotions can override our logic, how this can be disastrous, and how easy it is to use tapping (EvEFT/EFT) to make changes.

There are types of gambling that are pure chance such as the lottery or slot machines. These games require no skill. The only choice the player makes is whether or not to play. With each play there is a statistical chance of winning and losing.

Poker is different from games of chance. There is a component of chance involved in the cards that you are dealt, but poker players make a number of choices on how to play their cards. A good poker player considers the playing patterns of his opponents as well as how the other players at the table think he plays. All of this is in addition to the cards he has been dealt. Because of this, it is much less about the cards that have been dealt and much more about how the cards are played. For this reason poker is not a game of chance, but a game of skill with chance elements.

Because there is an element of chance in poker, a player can run good or bad in a short period of time, (a small sample set of hands) based on the cards he/she is dealt, but over the long run a player’s skill is going to show. The more hands that are played, the more likely it is that the better player is going to be a winner overall.

Professional poker players understand this. They don’t think in terms of winning one hand, or of being a winner over one session of hands, they think in terms of their average over time. Very good players will know this right down to an average hourly wage. For example, a particular player might know that if she/he is playing in a game that has a minimum bet of $2, they will make forty dollars an hour – in the long run – because of his/her skill level.

A comparable example would be investing in the stock market. Stocks and markets move up and down each day, but over a long period of time they have trends. A good investor knows the longer he is in a certain investment, the more likely his long-term return is going to match the trend.

The way a poker player is able to combat this variance (up and down swings), is by playing as many hands as possible. The more hands they play, the more they are going to insulate themselves from up and down swings. With the advent of internet poker, players are able to play many games at the exact same time by opening multiple computer windows. To combat this variance some players are known to play as many as one hundred hands an hour… in six games at once… for stretches of ten or twelve hours straight. That’s as many as six thousand hands in one stretch!

You can imagine the amount of concentration it takes to do this. Not only is a player constantly recalculating the different statistical outcomes of a hand based on each new card, they are also having to keep track of the play tendencies of the eight other players involved in each hand.

As play unfolds it is possible for players to get very emotional. It is possible to lose a hand that you had a 90% chance of winning, causing great anger. It is also possible to win a hand you were a significant underdog in, causing great joy. Both of these circumstances can be very dangerous. When a player becomes too emotional (regardless of which emotions) he/she can start making poor decisions. In poker terms this is called going on ‘tilt’.

When a player is on tilt they are not paying attention to all of the factors they normally pay attention to. They begin to play very poorly, and they can lose all of the money they had won over a number of hours (or days) of play, in one or two hands.

Recently a professional poker player, “John”, who was having a major problem with his game, approached me. John plays six to eight hours a day, five days a week, and poker is his full time income. John understands how long he can stay focused. He never plays more than eight hours at a time because he knows that as his mind becomes fatigued it is harder for him to make the good choices that make him a winning player.

John’s problem: he was finding it very hard to get up from the computer after a losing session (meaning that on this day he had lost money overall). He understands the variance of his winning and losing. He knows that over the long term he is a winning player, but he had a mental block about getting up near the end of the losing session.

It’s easy to see how this problem would multiply itself. He would have a losing session, causing him to keep playing past his mental peak. Since he was past his mental peak, he’d play worse, causing him to lose more. This would push him on tilt. By being on tilt he would play worse, causing him to lose more. This cycle would repeat until he walked away in frustration after losing far too much money.

I had John tune into the feeling of not wanting to get up at the end of his most recent losing session. As we investigated the feeling, he described how he knew because of his skill and experience that he was better than everyone he was playing with. He knew intellectually about the swings of the game, but emotionally he couldn’t let these players get the best of him. We began by tapping on the facts of the situation with phrases like this (I don’t remember the exact phrases):

“I know I am a better player than most of the people I play with…I understand that poker does have chance elements in it…there are going to be times when players who are worse than me are going to get the better of me…because of the variance of the game…over the long term I am a winning player…there are ups and downs in the game…I never play in a game that I can’t afford…I am playing with players I can beat…it is okay to have one losing session because I know over the long haul I will come out ahead…I know I need to get up after 8 hours of play…because I lose my mental edge…and play worse…I give myself permission to know that I can get up after a losing session knowing I will come out ahead in the long run”

After doing the tapping I had John tune back into the feeling of needing to stay at the end of the losing session. He said most of the desire to keep playing was gone, but there was still something hanging around. I asked him what the feeling reminded him of. He then said the classic line, “I don’t know if this has anything to do with this, but…” and then proceeded to tell of a time when he was playing youth hockey and was screamed at by a coach after a loss. He talked about how much he hated losing.

We quickly used tapping to do some clean up on the emotions of that memory. I then had him once again tune back into the feeling at the end of the most recent losing session. He reported there was no desire to stay at the computer playing.

Six weeks later John reported that he had had some losing sessions during that time, but he had never once stayed past his mental prime of six to eight hours. This resulted in an increase of his profitability, more than he expected. He hadn’t realized just how much this problem had been affecting his game.

When Reward Systems Go Bad: Food As A Reward

May 29, 2009 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

photo by Infidelic

We are all familiar with reward systems (even if we don’t use that name). “If you clean your room you can watch TV.” “I will read one more chapter and then take a walk.” “Once I pay the bills I will go get a smoothie.”

Reward systems are very effective as a motivator to get a task done, but they can also become problematic unless they are carefully created and used. Sometimes they can be created and we don’t even realize it is happening.

Here is an example of how a reward system had become transformed. Although at one time it was beneficial, it had become a problem.

My client “Linda” was trying to change her diet. For some reason she was craving and eating sweets and carbohydrates, even when she was not hungry. Normally when I encounter cravings and mindless eating it’s because the food is being used to fill an emotional hole of some sort. Even though that was my assumption I knew we needed to check in with her system to see if this was the case.

After doing a few minutes of investigation using a guided imagery technique and a parts technique it became very clear that the food was being used as a reward system. Every time she did something good she got to eat something that was sweet.

But this is not how things were playing out.

She was having these cravings in the evening when she was watching TV. These cravings weren’t coming after she had done something that deserved a reward.

With a little more investigation it became clear that the evening was her lowest emotional point of the day. This was her least busy time, and therefore she was free to let her thoughts wander to all the limiting beliefs she had about herself as well as to her worries about her life.

This is when the reward system kicked in, but it did it in reverse. It started to work like this:

When I do something that is good it means I have value as a person
I get a treat when I have done something good
The more treats I get the more good I must be doing
The more good I am doing the more value I have
If I am eating lots of treats it must mean that I am really good and have lots of value
I am feeling bad about myself so I am going to have a treat because the only reason I would get a treat is because I have value

This is a really subtle shift. All of a sudden treats go from being a reward to becoming a way to feel better.

Through another technique we are able to take the reward system and transform it into a more useful resource.

Lessons form this session:
1) Your expectations can be wrong
Because of my past experience I had a strong belief why a particular action/belief was happening. I was wrong. Just because we believe we know the cause and effect doesn’t mean we do. Even when you are certain you know why a belief exists, ask the system for information. We think we know, but the body truly does know.

2) The issues and beliefs that are hindering us exist because in some way we think they are helping us.
This is a perfect example of this fact. The reward system created to remind Linda she was doing good, may have improved her self-worth, but eating enough junk to keep her self-worth high made her feel worse because of her poor eating choices. Trying to understand why it was being helpful, we came to understand the issue and transform it. If we had approached it from the point of view of, “It’s bad. It must be eliminated”, we never would have understood why it existed, making the fast transformation an impossibility.

3) Resource that were once helpful might not be helpful today
Our point of view changes, our lives change, and our circumstances change. For this reason we need to revisit why we act the way we do to see if it’s still serving us.