Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Being A Better Parent

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I know EFT can be powerful toll to help my children.  My kids and I tap together every night at bedtime, but I am wondering if there is something more I could do.  I want to be the best parent possible.  Is there a way to us EFT around parenting issues?

[Note: I have asked Deborah Donndelinger to answer this question.  One of Deborah's specialties is working with parents and parenting.  She is a Maryland based EFT practitioner who can be reached @ EFT with Deborah]

The history of parenting is rather brutal, with children once considered non-entities that could be discarded, killed, or used at the parent's whim. Over time, our collective approach to parenting is evolving and developing, which is good news indeed. How we collectively parent is the leading force that shapes how we are as a country and as a world. How we parent as a society determines whether we perpetrate violence or encourage peace.

According to Robin Grille, author of Parenting for A Peaceful World, we are in a shift from the socializing mode of parenting to the helping mode of parenting. The socializing mode of parenting tends to see children as good or bad and the goal is to make them productive members of society. The parent is concerned with raising a child that fits in. He follows the rules and sees himself judged by how well his children do. In the next evolution, called the helping mode, parents are concerned with what the child needs developmentally and choose meeting the child's individual needs above the need to fit in socially. In the helping mode, there is a greater compassion and recognition of children as unique persons on their own path.

As we consider how we personally fit into this parenting journey, we can look at our own history and our current parenting practices with more compassion. EFT fits into this introspection, offering us relief from patterns and reactions. Consider this a Personal Peace Procedure for Parenting.

The myth of the perfect parent, warm and nurturing, is just that, a myth.
Parents are products of their culture and humans have the potential to be the most brutal of the animal kingdom or the most loving. But being human is not a guarantee of parenting well. To move forward in our parenting journey, we first must accept ourselves as we are.

Consider all the times you have been less than pleased with your parenting choices and reactions. Make a list of at least five incidents where you shouted, hit, ignored, or shamed your child. Identify the emotions you were feeling as well as the response and emotions of your child. Tap on these incidents until your intensity gets to zero. Be prepared for some cognitive shifts!

Parenting evolves.
It is perfectly okay that what our parents did for us, or to us, doesn't work for us as parents. Each of us has a mental list, a list from childhood of the things we swore we would never do as parents. Imagine our dismay, when we end up repeating the same exact patterns from our parents. We justify our parental behavior by telling ourselves that we are not so bad, we were treated that way and turned out okay. (Sound familiar?)

Or in an attempt to not be like our parents, we end up on another extreme, just the opposite of our parents. When this happens, it's a very good indication we are still reacting rather than creating how we want to be as a mother or father.

Make a list of at least five times you remember being shamed, punished, felt guilty as a child. How were you disciplined or punished? Were you hit, spanked, isolated, or shamed verbally? How were mealtimes? How were bedtimes? When were you made to feel wrong or less than? These memories are all excellent tapping material.

Parenting truly shapes the world.
As we treat children with respect and love and model being a democracy, we bring democracy to the larger world. And if we model violence and control and fear, we'll bring the same.

Consider all the times you felt fear as a child or used fear to control your children. Consider all the times you experienced violence or used violence to control your child. Pick five incidents and commit to tapping on them until the intensity gets to zero. Be prepared for some amazing cognitive shifts.

If you are reading this, you are already committed to supporting yourself and other parents. As we move towards the next evolution of parenting, we can release our pasts, our histories, and see that our parents did the best they could, even if it wasn't enough. We can heal our wounds and choose how to parent ourselves and our children. There is a growing international community of dedicated focused parents who are using EFT to heal their childhood memories and to become fully the parent they want to be. Welcome to the leading-edge of peaceful parenting.

Losing My Ability To Feel Emotions

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I have been successful with EFT when it comes to working on minor aches and pains. There are some big emotional things from my past I would like to tap on, but I am afraid. I worry that I am going to tap away my ability to feel emotions. Is EFT going to leave me emotionless?

This is a very common question.  Emotional Freedom Techniques (EvEFT/EFT) is a very powerful tool when you want to get relief from very powerful emotions. Many people equate moving from an emotional state to losing the ability to feel emotions at all. This is not the case. If you do EvEFT/EFT you can expect to feel healthy emotions more freely.

It is really important to remember our emotions are not enemies. They exist to help us understand how we feel about the situation we are in. When we feel emotions of joy and bliss it is our inner guidance system telling us that we are very much in tune with ourselves. When we feel emotions of desperation, frustration and anger, our inner guidance system is telling us something is out of alignment and we need to change something.

Therefore, emotions are very good for us, but what we need to do is make sure we are responding to these emotions in a healthy way.

The way we deal with our emotions runs on a spectrum from a) bottling up our emotions and not dealing with them to b) choosing to live in a particular emotion and not moving on. The consequences of these two extremes are usually detrimental.

When we choose not to deal with our emotions and bottle them up they remain a burden that we carry around. They become a block to our system. If this block persists if can often turn into greater problems than unfelt emotions. They can become physical manifestations of dis-ease.

At the other extreme we can choose to keep feeling the emotion over and over again. I am sure you know someone who has not moved past a loss of some sort. Even though the loss (of a loved one, an opportunity, or a relationship) could have happened years ago, the person is still living as if it has just happened. This makes him an emotional prisoner of the past. In this state he is unable to experience what is happening NOW.

We miss a great deal of life when this happens.

What we seek is a middle path in which we recognize our emotions, feel our emotions, learn the lesson our emotions are teaching us, and then let them pass. That is our goal with EvEFT/EFT.

When we use EvEFT/EFT we are going after the emotions that we have bottled up, or we are taking the emotions that we are refusing to let go of, and we are letting them pass naturally. When we do EvEFT/EFT we are not getting rid of our emotions, but we are letting them do exactly what they are made to do.

Here is some tapping patter that will help you if you are having a hard time reconciling with your emotions:

My emotions exists to serve me…they are just one more way my system is communicating with me…I am thankful that my system is trying to lead me by the right path…I am thankful for my emotions because they let me feel the richness of life…I know my emotions are nothing more than information…they are energy that need to do what energy does…and move on…when I tap on my emotions I am making sure I deal with my emotions in a healthy way…I give myself permission to feel the emotions that I have right now…to thank them…to learn from them…and to let them go…if I do this I know I will be on the path to emotional health…allowing me to feel and respond to my emotions in a healthy way in the future. [How to use these tapping phrases]

In podcast #1 Rick Wilkes talk a great deal about the emotions all scale.  He also has created a great resource that lays out the emotional scale.  I would encourage you to check both out.

When Our Change Affects Others

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I love EFT and use it a lot. It’s been very helpful with small emotional issues and simple physical pains. But when it comes to bigger issues I have a concern. I’m afraid that if I change the person I am I will hurt the people I love. Do you have any advice?

Change of any sort can be scary. We can fear that we are not going to be able to manage the new situation, we can fear not knowing how to be in the new situation, and we can fear that others are going to be disappointed with us.

I see this quite often with my weight loss clients. Many have shared thoughts like:

  • “My fat friends aren't going to like me if I am thin.”
  • “If I loose weight my fat friends are going to think that I think I am too good for them.”
  • “If I loose weight I am going to make my friends who can't loose weight feel bad.”

It’s not a bad thing to think about how others are going to respond to our actions. This is rooted in our love for them. We don’t want to do things that will complicate the lives of our loved ones. BUT this can’t be the only thing we take into consideration when we a making a choice or a change.

The weight loss example above demonstrates this perfectly. It would be really nice if losing weight didn’t make our friends feel self-conscious, but our health is more important — giving use a chance to live a longer, more active life — than how our friends might feel.

From the outside this is very obvious, but when it comes to making these choices in our own lives it becomes very difficult for a number of reasons.

  • We don't want to make someone else feel bad
  • We feel selfish by choosing our needs over others
  • We fear that if we makes someone else's life harder they are going to leave
  • We don't deserve to make our life better at someone else expense.

These are all very real and powerful feelings that make it very hard to choose what’s best for us.

It is very important to recognize that not only do we deserve to take care of ourselves (making positive change of all types), but also we must recognize that these changes will benefit our loved ones, too. When we are healthy emotionally and physically it is easier for us to care for them.

When I bump into the issue of not wanting to change, I tap using phrases like these:

I would like to make a change in my life…but I know my life is tied to so many other people’s lives…if I change my life I am going to change others people’s lives as well…I worry about doing this…I don’t want to make anyone else’s life harder…especially if it is because of the choices I am making…I feel bad when I make others’ lives harder…or when I make them self-conscious about their own lives…many times I would rather carry my burden than pass a burden on to someone else…also, I feel very selfish for doing this…what right do I have to make my life better by making other people’s lives harder….I already have too much….who do I think I am that I deserve more…

I choose to know that I should be able to take care of myself…I deserve to make my life better…I know that even though I have it better than others…I deserve more…I am thankful for what I have…but that doesn’t mean that I should stop growing and changing…Many times when people feel bad about my change it’s because they are jealous of the work I’m doing…they are taking their feelings out on me for the change that they are not willing to make…if nothing else I can be a model for them of what change can be like…

When I make a change to myself I am not choosing myself over someone else…I am not choosing to make my life better at someone else’s expense…I am choosing to be better…I deserve better even if others aren’t going to make that choice for themselves…the fact that I worry about how this affects others means I am a loving person…but my choosing to change myself doesn’t mean I’m being selfish…I am not showing that I don’t love others…

I need to understand it is not an either/or situation…it is not that I can be better OR they can be happy…I can change, and they can be happy…It is not my job only to take care of everyone else’s needs…my needs are important too…I can change my life…and it might affect others….but I need to know my needs are important too…others don’t ask for my permission when they change…I don’t have to ask permission from others to change…

I need to make changes in my life…we all need to grow and change…when I make changes it is going to impact the lives of others …but I am not going to let this stop my healing…and growing…I deserve change…I need change
[How to use these tapping phrases]

I would recommend tapping on something like this before every tapping session to insure that you are doing the work that you really want and need to do.

One Issue That Is Really Three or Four Issues

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I am dealing with homework issues and tantrums with my 8 year-old daughter. Parenting her really takes all my energy. It seems I spend more time battling with her than enjoying her. How can I approach this issue?


photo by Kathryn Rotondo

Sometimes when we face a situation it looks like one issue, because it is one situation, but in reality it’s more than one issue. At first it might seem daunting to break the issue down into smaller parts because it appears to require more work, but I have found it helpful to break the situation down into smaller, more manageable parts.

Evolving Emotional Freedom Techniques (EvEFT/EFT) is even more powerful when we are dealing with small partsbecause we see progress faster, and that progress encourages us to do more.

Here is a very simple way to break down a problem into smaller issues. I will use the example in the question to demonstrate each part.

What in the situation is worthy of giving thanks for?
I love starting from a point of view of gratitude. Often when we are dealing with what we don’t like in a situation we forget all of the blessings that are present.

In this case the question clearly states the parent actively wants to appreciate the daughter. So the first thing I would do is tap on all the wonderful things about the daughter and spending time with the daughter:

I am really blessed to have such a wonderful daughter…she has so much spirit…I know the time we have together is short…she will be grown up before I know it…with that in mind I am going to savor each moment I have with her…even those moments of struggle are a blessing…because we get to share them together…I give myself permission to enjoy this moment and my daughter…even in the middle of this struggle…I am lucky and blessed to have my daughter

Simply naming the good in a situation lessens the emotional charge and gives us a clearer vision of what the root issue(s) is.

What are the emotions I am dealing with?
The second step is to consider, and list, all of the emotions you are feeling. In this case the list might look like:

  • Frustrated she is not doing what she needs to do
  • Tired of all the battling
  • Wanting to do fun stuff with my daughter
  • Wishing I was doing something else I enjoyed

And the list could go on
After you have created the list, ask why you feel that way. This will give you insight on what to tap on. Take each emotion one at a time and tap on them. Don’t be surprised that as you clear one emotion you clear the others as well.

Are there other actors in the situation that I could surrogately tap for?
The last step is to look at the other actors in the situation. Are there issues you could tap on for them? In this case the daughter is obviously resisting doing the homework. As a parent you would have special insight into why she might be resisting. She could be fearing failure, just being 8 and wanting to do something else, not enjoying it because she is not very good at it, or is worried she is going to fail and let you down.

Just take a deep breath and tune into the other actors. Guess why they are having such a hard time in the situation. You don’t need the special connection of a parent and child to do this. When we put aside our own emotional baggage about a situation it’s easy to guess what others are struggling with.

Once you have a guess about what the other person is struggling with, you can spend some time tapping on those issues for them. This will do two things. First, it will give you perspective on what they are going through. This might change your understanding of the situation, clearing some of your emotional charge. Second, it might make a difference in their life, the way surrogate tapping has been reported to make changes for others.

The Process
The steps aren’t very complicated. When you are facing a big problem break it down into three chucks.

  • What can I be thankful for?
  • What am I struggling with?
  • What might they be struggling with?

By doing this we will resolve the issues in smaller and more manageable pieces.

Physical Pain From Injury

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I am very aware that there are times when we have pain in the body that has an emotional base. There are also times when we just hurt ourselves. I just twisted my knee and it still hurts a few days later. Do I tap in the same way with this sort of physical pain as I would for pain that is emotionally-based?

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT/EvEFT) is a very powerful tool when dealing with physical pain. When I first teach EFT/EvEFT I generally start with physical pain for two reasons. First, EFT/EvEFT works so well, and second, it’s hard to deny the results. (The evaporation of emotional pain is easier for a new EFTer to dismiss, giving credit to factors other than EFT.)

When we are dealing with pain of any sort we need to remember that pain is nothing more than a signal. It’s one of the physical body’s ways of getting our attention and communicating information. Our shoulders can ache from stress because our body is telling us we need to slow down and take care of ourselves. Our ankle will hurt after an injury to tell us we should give it time to heal and avoid walking on it too much.

Even though EFT/EvEFT is so powerful at reducing (and/or eliminating) the pain we feel, we should make sure we are not just taking pain away without first listening to the information the body is trying to communicate to us. There is a famous story of a hypnotist who used hypnosis to numb the pain he was feeling in his chest. The pain was related to a heart attack. Since he only eliminated the pain and didn’t respond to what the pain was communicating — the need for medical care — he died from the heart attack.

Regardless of the source of the pain, we can use EFT/EvEFT for both physical and emotional aspects of the pain. Let’s look at how we can use EFT/EvEFT for a physical pain that has come from an injury and is not emotionally based.

1) The Physical Pain
Regardless of the source of the physical pain I generally approach physical pain the same way. While tapping from point to point I tune into the following (in no particular order):

  • Is there a lesson the pain wants me to learn
  • What is the shape?
  • What is the color?
  • What is size?
  • If I held the pain in my hand, how much would it weigh?
  • If I was going to make a model of the pain to show my friends what it is like, what substance would I use?
  • If the pain could say something, what would it say?
  • I trace the geography the physical pain with my mind

After I have done this for a round or two of tapping I tune back in to the SUDs level to see how it feels. If more work is needed, I repeat the process.

2) The Emotional Aspect of the Physical Pain
On the surface it might not seem obvious that there is work we can do with emotions of the physical pain. Just because the pain itself was caused by an injury, it doesn’t mean we don’t have emotions around the issue of having the pain or injury.

I am a firm believer that if we have negative emotions around a wound (physical or emotional) we slow down or hinder the healing process. When we have a physical pain it’s a good idea to spend time dealing with emotions about the pain. Some examples of the areas you can investigate are:

  • How you were injured: Are you mad at yourself for how you got injured?  Are you mad at someone else for how you got injured?
  • How the injury is effecting you: Are you having a hard time doing the things you want to do and how is this effecting you emotionally?
  • How people are responding to the injury: Are people trying to baby you?  Are people not giving you enough attention?
  • How the body is healing and responding to treatment: Is the body not healing fast enough for you and is this causing frustration?

As you can see, many emotions can arise from an injury that wasn’t emotionally induced. Dealing with these issues will help speed the healing process, or more accurately get out of the way of the natural healing process of the body.

The beautiful thing about EFT/EvEFT is it allows us to approach problems from many different angles. We can approach them through our minds (thoughts and memories), our bodies (physical sensations), and our spirits (emotions). For each issue you will find at least one of these entry points helpful. You will probably heal faster when you explore more than one.