Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

5 Surprising Reasons You Haven’t Reached Your Goals (plus 5 EFT scripts)

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Question: I have a great list of goals. I know what I want. I know why I want to achieve them. I just can’t seem to move forward. How can I use tapping to move towards my goals?

photo by l@mie

I spend a great deal of time working with clients helping them to move forward towards their goals. In most cases my clients have some sense of where they would like to take their lives and even know the steps that need to be followed.

For some reason they are stuck. They look at their to-do list which is the same list they made the day before with nothing crossed off.

I have found that there are 5 common reasons that we don't take the actions we know we will improve our lives. As you read through them you may notice that a number of them apply to you.

Even if you don't think you are experiencing one of the reasons listed take the 60 seconds it takes to tap through the script. You will be surprised at the issues you didn't know were there that are cleared.

You Don't Know What You Want

It's very simple. If you don't know where you are going then there is no way to get there. Knowing what you want is a sliding scale of understanding. For example, there is a difference between wanting a new job, wanting a new teaching job, and wanting a new teaching job where you don't have to teach summer school, that pays for graduate classes, and that doesn't suck your will to live.

It is possible to have too specific a definition of what you want that cripples you and holds you in one place, but that is unlikely. It is much more likely that because you don't have a clear vision of what you want, it is hard to move forward as you don't know what your next step should be.

Do you have a clear vision for your goal? If not try tapping with this:

I know I want better…but I am not exactly sure what that looks like…I just know it is not what I currently have…I know that if I give myself permission to dream a little…to take a step back…I can come up with a clearer vision of what I want…there might be a part of me that is worried about moving forward in this way…if I have a clear vision of what I want it is going to point out everything I don't have…it is going to point out how far I am from my goal…it feels safer to not tune into these goals…because I don't have to face the facts of where I am…but I need to have good idea of where I am going…if I want to get there…I give myself permission to dream a little…to see what I really want…it is closer than I think…I just need to start moving forward.

You Don't Know Why You Want It

I think the most powerful force in helping us to move towards our goals is understanding why we want what we want. Many times what we want is really just a tool to get us to what we really want. I might say that I want to make a million dollars this year. That is a clear goal and it is something I can tell if I have achieved it.

The problem with this type of goal is that there is very little life behind it. It is just a number with a bunch of zeros after it. It is not real and it is difficult to have the motivation to move towards this imaginary number feeling.

On the other hand, knowing why I want this goal will keep me focused. If I want a million dollars this year so that I can stop the debt collection calls, take those classes that are going to take my client sessions to the next level, be able to help my parents so they can retire, and make sure the small school I love keeps its doors open, then that is something I can wrap my heart around.

It is in the why where we find our motivation. We might have known it when we created our goal list, but have since lost touch with it.

Do you know why you want your goals? If not tap to this:

I know what I want…I have given it a great deal of thought…at one point I even knew why I wanted these things…but I have lost touch with that knowledge…I know that if I take the time to reconnect with the reason why I want these things…then I am going to find my way back to my motivation…and my mojo…it is going to make it easier for me to take the steps I need to take to get closer to my goals…it is important that I remind myself why I want what I want…this will help me in the times when it is hard to act…there are times when I am going to be able to get past hurdles…and lack of energy…to move to what I want…when I remember why I want it…[keep tapping and state the reasons you want to achieve the goals you have named…keep tapping…keep coming up with reasons.]

You Don't Really Want It

I was senior in high school. Her name was Kelly. I called her and asked her out on a date. Thankfully she said “no”.

No really…it was a good thing. We had nothing in common. I don't know what we would have talked about. I asked her out because she was the girl I was supposed to ask out based on the social politics of my high school.

There are times when we have goals not because we think they are right for us, but because there are people in our lives who think achieving them would be a good thing for us to do. It could be a certain job, marrying a certain person, or getting a certain qualification. Because we don’t want it for ourselves we are never really going to move towards it.

Do you have a goal that isn't really a goal you want? Then you can tap like this:

There is a goal that I have been working towards…but it isn’t something that I want…it is something that others want for me…they think it is something that will make me happy…or successful…but it is coming from their definition of happy and successful…it is not my definition…they want it for me because they want what is best for me…but it is not what is best for me…it is ok if I have my own definition of success…it is ok if I move towards the goals I want for me…this can be hard because I have been working towards this goal for a while…it will feel like I am giving up…because I have spent so much time and effort working in this direction…but I need to work towards achieving the goals that are right for me…not right for someone else…I give myself permission to let go of other people’s goals for me…I only have so much time…and so much energy…I need to invest that in things I really want for myself…it is ok that I name the things I really want for myself…I will work towards those things…this is my life…they love me…they want what is best for me…but I am going to work towards what I need for myself.

You Are Too Afraid To Put Forth Any Effort

Sometimes there is a clear sense of what we want, why we want it, and know it is our goal and not someone else’s. When the rubber meets the road there is resistance to moving forward because lots of things could go wrong when we try. It might be too big for us or we might not know how or we might fail or we might not have a clear idea of where we are going.

We like to know that we are going to be successful. It is human nature.

Are you afraid to put forth effort because of what might go wrong? Then tap like this:

I know what I want…I know why I want it…but there is a part of me that is worried about trying to get it…if I try I could fail…if I try I could find out that I am not good enough…if I try I could look foolish to the people around me…if I try I could let everyone know I have no idea what I am doing…these are all real fears…it is ok that I have these fears…because this is a part of me that wants me to be safe as I try to move forward…but I need to try…yes…I might fail…yes…I might look foolish…yes…it might be hard…but I need to try…I give myself permission to know that I am not going to be perfect…I am going to make mistakes…I am not going to get it right…but each step I take forward is going to move me closer to what I want…maybe it won't be a perfect step…maybe it won't even be the right step…but it is going to help me to learn what the wrong steps are so I don't take them again…I give myself permission to know that I am not going to be perfect in working to my goals…and that is ok…I am not going to do everything exactly right…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I make choices and take action…I give myself permission to move forward in an imperfect way

Others Don't Want To You To Change And You Would Rather Not Upset Them

It is hard to believe, but there are people in our lives who don’t want us to change. More precisely, there are people in our life who want us to change as long as it doesn’t require them to change as well.

We don't live in a vacuum. The changes I make in one part of my life are going to affect other parts of my life. For example, if I decided to go back to school it is going to impact the amount of time I have to spend with my family.

Also, when we take action it shines a light on the lives of our loved ones and the lack of change they are experiencing. We can cause feelings of jealousy and resentment.

On some level we are aware of these things happening. Sometimes it is very obvious when loved ones resist our change and other times it happens as passive aggressive undercurrent to our interactions. We don't like to upset our loved ones and so there is a part of us that will prevent us from taking action because we know how it is going to “hurt” others.

Are you avoiding taking action because on some level your success is going to “harm” a loved one or a relationship? Then tap on this:

I know my choices impact others…our lives are knitted together in many ways…when I add new activities to my life it means I have less time for things I have done in the past…when I move forward it is going to bring attention to the fact that others are choosing not to move forward…I don't want to make other people's lives harder…I don't want to hurt my loved ones…but I know I need to move forward…I have goals that I need to work towards…to be who I want to be…when I have success I am going to be myself more fully…which means I will be able to share myself with my loved ones in different ways…also, I don't have control over the emotional state of my loved ones…if they want to be bent out of shape because of my choices that is up to them…but I can't let their possible emotions hold me back…I need to move forward for myself…it is ok for me to make choices for myself…I need to move forward in this way…I can't let how others feel about my success hold me back…I give myself permission to move forward.

Take Action

Your goals aren’t going to happen on their own. You need to take action. Even if you just take these 5 scripts and tap on each of them every morning you will see a difference. That is right, just taking the 3 minutes it takes to tap through these will remove resistance to change. You will take one more step towards your goal.

Which really is a powerful thing.

If you are looking for a more comprehensive tool for clearing blocks to taking action, check out The 10 Steps To Getting Out Of Your Own Way To Get What You Want

Let me know your thoughts on what is holding you back from your goals and what has helped you to break those barriers down by commenting below.

The Great Visualization Hoax – A 4 Step Tapping Plan Of Attack

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Question: I would like to use visualization and law of attraction principles with my tapping. How can I do that?

[NOTE: I have a feeling this article is going to ruffle a few feathers. The science cited is far from definitive, but very interesting. I would love your feedback on this so please let me know your thoughts.]

The tool that is cited the most in the LOA community is visualization. “If you can see it, you can be it.”

Personally, I have always been a little skeptical. I fall much more in line with what Tony Robbins is credited with as saying about visualization: “If you sit all day in your living room thinking about what you want, something will show up. It will be the repo man!”

In my mind visualization alone has never been enough. If it were every teenage boy would be dating a Playboy bunny (something they spend a great deal of time visualizing very emotionally).

Action is required.

The Science Of Visualization

One of the reasons I love science so much is because the attitude is, “You think this is true? Great! Let's test it to see if it really is so.”

To that end, a number of scientists have been putting visualization to the test. Four of these studies were featured at Forbes.com and what they found was that visualization in terms of just seeing what you want, actually makes it less likely for you to get what you want.

As the article states:

During the course of four experiments, Kappes and Oettingen demonstrated that conjuring positive fantasies of success drains the energy out of ambition. When we imagine having reached what we want, our brains fall for the trick. Instead of mustering more energy to get “there”, we inadvertently trigger a relaxation response that mimics how we would feel if we’d actually reached the goal. Physiologically, we slide into our comfy shoes; blood pressure lowers, heart rate decreases, all is well in the success world of our mind’s making.

The research also uncovers that the more pressing the need to succeed, the more deflating positive visualization becomes. One of the experiments tested whether water-deprived participants would experience an energy drain from visualizing a glass of icy cold water (a simple but elegant study design) and found that indeed, in even something so basic, the brain responds as if the goal has been reached.

From a “proof is in the pudding” standpoint, the research showed that participants told to visualize attaining goals throughout the course of the week ended up attaining far fewer goals than a control group told they could mull over the week’s challenges any way they liked. The positive visualizers also self-reported feeling less energetic than the control group, and physiological tests supported their claim.

That is a “WOW!”

Does That Mean We Stop Using Visualization?

In a word “No”!

What these studies point out is that just being in the moment and feeling what we want can be a harmful tool. It makes us feel better in the moment but it makes us less likely to take action.

But this not the only way to visualize. There are actually ways to use visualization that are very helpful. The key to using any tool is to ascertain how it can be useful in removing the things that are holding us back from taking action, and how it opens us up to opportunities to lead us to our goals.

There is a very simple way to do this and tapping will super-charge it.

Four Step Visualization Process Combined With Tapping That Works

There are a few things to keep in mind when looking at these four steps.

First, you don't have to do them in the order they are presented and you don't have to do all four steps in any one tapping session. As you will see each of these steps is set up to clear out different blocks to action. Clearing just one area is going to move you to a place where taking action is even easier.

Second, when doing each of these steps tap, tap, and then tap some more. Tap six or seven times on each point and then move to the next point. As you do each of the steps you are going to be tuning into the limiting beliefs and emotions that need to be tapped on. If we are tapping whilst these are surfacing we will clear them.

Third, for this to work you are going to need a clear vision of what you want and why you want it. There are many ways to write goals. I have a way that I think works best, but it is not the only way. Choose the way that makes the most sense for you.

Fourth, depending on the goal not every step is going to bring up every emotion and belief listed below. The ones that need to surface are the ones that will surface.

Step 1: Imagine Someone Else Achieving The Goal You Want

Task: In your mind imagine what it is like to witness someone else living the goal that you want to achieve. Imagine what their daily life is like as they have this goal. Imagine how they feel, imagine what they achieve, imagine what they feel as they achieve, and imagine the obstacles they encounter (AND how they get past these).

Goal: Doing this type of visualization can surface three types of emotions in us.

First, any jealousy that we have towards the people have achieved what we want will surface. Often the best resources we have to getting to our goal are the people who have already achieved something similar. If we are jealous of them it will be hard for us to look at their success from a distance and learn from it or, if we have access to the person, be able ask them for information to help to get ourselves to the same place. Our jealousy will shut us out from many resources we could use to take the right action.

Second, any emotions of inadequacy that we feel about the goal will start to surface. Thoughts of “That is right for them, but I could never have that!” If we don't feel worthy or deserving of a goal then we will stop ourselves from taking the action that will lead us to achieving them.

Third, any negative beliefs we or others might have towards this type of success will surface. For example we could be doing this type of visualization around financial success. We might see someone who is very wealthy treating those around them with disdain and contempt. If we believe that rich people are mean then we will prevent ourselves from taking action to reach this goal because we don't want to end up behaving the same way.

Step 2: Imagine Yourself Living The Goal

Task: This is not the “feel good and happy” as you imagine you are doing this. We are not looking to have warm fuzzy feelings while doing this. We are also not courting negative feelings. Instead, we want to feel realistically what it is like to have this goal happening in our life. How does it feel? What is exciting, frustrating, overwhelming, and impossible? Pay attention to all the emotions that come up. (Remember you are tapping while you do this.)

Goal: By realistically feeling (both good and bad) what comes along with the goal we will find our way to feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and overwhelm. We also might find emotions of “if we succeed we can lose it”. It is very hard for us to take action when we don't think we are worthy of the goal. By tapping on these emotions we are removing the block of thinking that it is impossible, making action more possible.

Step 3: Imagine You Know How Others Feel About Your Success

Task: This step is exactly like step two, but in step three we are going to add everyone else in our lives. As you see yourself living the goal also imagine that you can read the minds and hear the whispers of others as you enjoy success. Are they supportive, jealous, or saying how much you have changed? Are they feeling sad about their own lives or overwhelmed because your success is pointing out their failure? Obviously you have no idea what others are thinking, but just make a guess.

Goal: There are times where we will hold ourselves back because of what others might think about us.. I once had a client report “I know how my fat friends talk about my skinny friends. If I lose weight they will say the same horrible catty things about me.” If we think our success is going to hurt our relationships or how people see us in negative ways, then we will prevent our own success.

By imagining what others are saying and thinking about our success we are going to be able to name (and clear) the blocks that are holding back our action.

Step 4: Imagine Encountering Obstacles

Task: Imagine all possible roadblocks and obstacles to you achieving your goal. Imagine the things you don't know how to do. Imagine the people you ask for help saying “no”. Imagine your plans not working out. Imagine having everything go to plan and still not have it work out.

How do you feel when you imagine these scenarios? Keep playing them out in your mind. Now that something hasn't worked out what is your next step or next plan of attack. Did that work? If not, in your imagination try something new.

Goal: One of the types of visualization that Kappes and Oettingen recommend from their research is to imagine that we are facing different obstacles and roadblocks. By doing this we have the opportunity to practice responding to things that didn't work out. Instead of falling in a heap on the floor because it didn't work out, we are training ourselves to respond to changes of plans. We are getting a chance to deal with the emotions of rejection and failure when the stakes are very low. So that when obstacles come up (and they are going to come up) we are going to be emotionally prepared to deal with them.

Take Action

The time is now. You need to do something. You can’t sit around imagining things and expect them to show up at your doorstep. You need to know what you want, know what is going to stop you, clear yourself emotionally, and TAKE ACTION! Otherwise you are just daydreaming. Take some time each day and work these steps and you will start moving towards your goals.

Let me know what you think of this in the comments below.

Talking Emotions and Tapping With Kids /w Jondi Whitis

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I want to talk to my kids about their emotions and to teach them to tap, but I don't know how to start. Do you have any recommendations?

I love tapping with kids, but not everyone is as comfortable as I am working with them. I had a chance to chat with Jondi Whitis of TappingStar about how to talk to kids about emotions, tapping, and what adults can do better when talking to kids about their emotions.

I hope you enjoy this interview!

Are You Tapping The Wrong Way? (You Are Going To Be Surprised!)

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I respond much better to doing setups on my sore spot(s) than on the Side of Hand point. But I have found that my best response is if I tap on, even thump a bit, on the sore spot(s) rather than rubbing. Is this common or am I very unusual? Also, when I tap on my collar-bone it works much better if I tap on my sore spot as well as my collar bone spot. Is this ok/normal?

There are a few things that need to be kept in mind when we consider using tapping as a tool in our lives.

First, the tapping protocols in their current form are in their infancy. In one of Gary Craig's DVDs, he jokes that one day people will look back at us and laugh at how primitive the tools are that we're using today. Practitioners all over the world are continuing to find ways to improve and expand these tools, refining and combining them with other techniques and protocols. How best to tap is a moving target.

[For a brief history of tapping in the western world see The Future of Meridian Tapping Scroll down to the paragraph that begins: “The history of meridian tapping began with Dr. George Goodheart…”]

Second, each person and issue is going be relieved most effectively in a unique way. The basic recipe of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) was originally created as a way of sharing a general protocol that could be taught very easily, so most people could use it. It never claimed to be the best or fastest way, but instead one which was very, very effective and that anyone could do anywhere, anytime.

More than likely, for every issue we face there is a tapping order or tapping points that would be more effective than the EFT basic recipe. In many cases it effort to find the optimum tapping. It might take us twenty minutes of muscle testing to find that particular way, when three or four rounds of the basic recipe, which only takes a few minutes, accomplishes the same thing.

With those thoughts in mind, here is my advice when it comes to tapping the “right way”.

1) Be Safe When Tapping

When you are tapping, or doing anything else, be sure to make choices that are good for you. Just because someone says you need to do something to heal (both physically and emotionally) does not mean it is the best choice for you. You need to take responsibility for yourself and your body.

If it hurts don't do it.

If a spot is too sore to tap, then rub it. If a spot is too sore to rub, then touch it and take a deep breath. If the spot is too sore to touch, then imagine you are tapping on it.

Safety has always been a concern from the beginning. You will notice that all of the tapping points in the basic recipe come from the beginning and end of the meridian pathways, except for the eyebrow point. The end of that path is actually on the inside of the bridge of the nose. I have heard, but don't know if this is true, that the reason Dr. Callahan chose the eyebrow point is because he was afraid people would poke their eyes while tapping on the inside of the bridge of the nose.

You don't want to create pain to gain relief. Be smart.

This is also true for the emotional issue you want to tackle. If you want to tap on an issue that is too emotional to work with on your one then get some profesional help. A good rule of thumb is, “If it is too emotional to work with on your own without tapping than it is too emotional to work with tapping.”

2) Be Flexible When Tapping

As long as you are following the first rule, then do what makes sense. Trust your body and trust your instincts. There are well over two hundred and fifty points on the body you could tap on. If it works better to tap on different points, do it! If it works better to tap in a different order, do it!

I have often advised clients, “If standing on one foot and humming ‘God Save the Queen' is going to help you heal, then do it.” The goal is not to tap in the “right” way. The goal is to heal.

The most important question with any tool or protocol is “How is it working for you?” If it works keep after it, if not change to what it needs to be.

As long as you are keeping yourself safe there is no ‘wrong way' to tap. It takes very little time to try something new (sometimes a little as 6 seconds to tap on a new point). Who knows? You might be discovering the next great breakthrough in tapping technologies.

What are some of the ways you have added or changed the basic tapping recipe? Click here to add your own thoughts and comments or read what others have to say. I would really love to hear what you think!

Using EFT/Tapping for Serious Medical Issues

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I have recently been diagnosed with a rodent ulcer on my chest that will need surgery…or will it? I am unsure what affirmation to use in this instance. Do you have any suggestions on phrases that I should use?


photo by pneff

There are three really good questions here. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Will I need surgery or should I use EFT/Tapping?

To be honest I have no idea. I am not a medical doctor and am not qualified to advise you in this way, but I would offer this thought.

I am very excited by the many strides that have been made in complementary medicine over the last few decades. We’ve learned so much about how the body gets sick and how it heals itself. Even more exciting is the fact that we are just scratching the surface with the human body’s potential, especially its ability to heal.

That being said, I do NOT believe that complementary medicine is the best or only treatment for every situation. There are many ways of helping the body back to full health, which include medical procedures and techniques. When I bleed, the first thing I do is reach for something to stop the bleeding. Once the bleeding is under control, I will then spend time tapping to help the healing process.

The important point is that you take control and responsibility for your body. Get all of the information you can from as many trusted sources as you can. Weigh all your options and choose the course that makes the most sense for you. There are people who will approach your situation using only a surgical/pharmacological approach. Others will use only acomplementary medicine approach. Still others will use a combination of the two. There is no one right answer that can be applied to every situation.

The nice thing about EFT is it only costs you a small amount of time to do and won’t make things worse. This makes it very easy to add to any other action you decide to take.

Can my friends do EFT at a distance for me, and will it help?

When EFT is done on one person for another person (be they present or a long distance away), it’s called surrogate tapping. Describing surrogate tapping and the best way to do it is a topic that requires many an article unto itself (see all surrogate tapping resources) . But I would offer this…

When I explain surrogate tapping, especially to parents who want to tap for their children, I say, “Surrogate tapping might work, and it might not. If you choose to set 7 minutes a day aside to tap for your child, you will be spending 7 minutes thinking loving healing thoughts for your child. Even if the tapping does nothing for your child I believe that’s time well spent.”

There is a library of anecdotal evidence suggesting that surrogate tapping can be effective. If you have friends who know EFT and are willing to take some time to tap for you, I say go for it.

Again, the worst thing that will come of it is your friends will spend time thinking of you in a loving, healing way. Everything else that comes from their time and effort is a bonus.

What tapping phrases should I use for my serious medical issue?

This is the second most common question asked of an EFT practitioner (right after, “Will EFT work on…?”).

The words we use while doing EFT are not Magic. They are reminder phrases with the sole purpose of keeping us tuned into the issue at hand. There is no right or wrong way to come up with these phrases. More important than the phrases we use is the issue that we are tuning into. This is the place that we do the work.

In the circumstance of a serious health concern there are two places that I would start.

First, I would start with the emotions that you feel about your current situation. Often when we receive a medical diagnosis most of our thoughts are turned to how we are going to heal the body and cope with the situation. We frequently forget about our emotional health.

The energy we expend feeling angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, and/or frightened — and all of these emotions are commonly associated with major health concerns — take energy away from the body’s immune system and the healing process. It is extremely important to release these emotions. We are going to have a clearer mind to make the choices that are right for us, and we are going have the body’s full reserve of energy committed to the healing process.

Some of the most common emotions associated with health issues that are worth tapping on are:

  • anger (at self for letting happen, for not getting the care you deserver, at it not being fair)
  • fear (of death, of debilitation, of never being whole again, of being dependant on others, of getting worse, of being a burden to others, of not being able to heal, of not knowing what to do)
  • frustration (that you have no control, that you did everything you could and it still happened, that is cost so much to deal with)
  • sadness
  • loss (of mobility, of health, of freedom, of youth, of activities)

By spending time clearing these emotions we can’t help but feel better, have a clearer mind to make choices about our care, and have the full store of our energy committed to healing. I truly believe this is a very important (and often overlooked) step in the healing process. Second, I would spend time with the symptoms themselves, which is what the main question is about. I have written on this topic before.

If you are interested in seeing how to approach the symptoms themselves check out: The Body Has Information About Our Issues 3 Easy Ways to Approach Physical Issues

I know I sound like a broken record, but the words are not magic. The important thing is focus. The two articles above will show you great ways to tune into what is going on in your body, giving you words that will help you tune into the issue at hand.