Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

How To Use EFT When A Problem Feels Too Big Or Too Painful To Tackle

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I want to use EFT to work on a major issue in my life, but somehow I always find an excuse not to do it. I know it will help me. I do want to get over this, but it just doesn’t happen. What can I do?


photo by (Erik)

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern when it comes to tapping on big issues. Certain people learn to use EFT, see the benefit of it in their lives, and yet still decide it’s not for them.

I was given new insight into this type of avoidance when I was tapping with a close friend “Sandy” recently.

Someone in Sandy’s life, who lived hundreds of miles away, had been hurt in a very violent physical attack.

Sandy was disappointed in herself for not being able to stop the attack from happening, she was sad about the attack, she was scared that her loved one wouldn’t seek the attention she needed out of fear, she felt helpless from such a great distance, and she worried that it would happen again. These were just a few of the emotions racing through her mind.

We agreed that I would come over to her place so that we could tap together. When I arrived at her home we talked about everything in the world… except what I had come for. This continued for almost an hour. Finally I asked, “Do you want to tap or not?”

I wasn’t frustrated or angry; I was giving her an out. Sometimes people feel safer having this type of conversation with a paid professional rather than a close friend.

She hemmed and hawed as she tried not to answer.

So I asked, “Why are you afraid to do the work?”

“Because it’s going to hurt. I know how raw my emotions are right now. I feel like I’ve let my loved one down. I don’t want to wander into that pain.”

All of that was fair. I asked her, “How large are all the emotions you’re feeling?” (This was for the emotions around her loved one plus the emotions around her fear of having to wade into the problem.)

With her hands she showed something about the size of a beach ball.

We did some work on her fear of what we might uncover and how much it would hurt to dive into the emotions around this incident. I then asked her how much emotion was left (in all areas). She indicated something about 30% of the size of the original.

This was a useful insight for me. She was more emotional about her reaction to the incident than she was about the incident itself.

Later, as I reflected on this, it brought to mind all of the people — me included — who avoid doing work in some area of our lives because we are afraid of what we’d uncover about ourselves.

The belief is, “The crap I know right now is better than the crap around the corner. Sure, my life isn’t perfect right now, but I can manage my present pain and disappointment. If I go looking to change my life, who knows what I’ll stir up.”

This is not an indictment for not wanting to look under the bed to see what’s really under there. The beauty of free will is that we choose who we want to be. There are outcomes and consequences to those choices. Our decision is to face or not face the ideas we have about ourselves and the world, that hold us back and determine whether or not our lives change.

In my own life I have found that in the long run it’s better to get out the flashlight and face whatever is hiding under the bed, no matter how scary it feels at the time.

Next Steps

When you are facing something that feels too big to tap on try tapping like this:

Right now I have a really big issue to tap on…I know the tapping for the issue will be helpful in the long term…but I am worried that if I tap for this issue it will be too much…I will uncover things I don’t want to experience…I will find painful past memories…I will have to relive it all over again…and I don’t want to do that…It is good that I am trying to take care of myself…It is good that I am trying to avoid the pain of reliving this…And I know that with tapping I don’t have to dive all the way into an issue to make a difference…I can spend a little time tapping on how I feel right now…without having to go all the way to the root…It might be better to go all the way to the root…but that can wait…Sometimes it is healthier for me to just do a little at a time…so that when I am ready to do the deep work I will already have cleared a path…I give myself permission to be easy with myself…I give myself permission to be easy with the healing process…Knowing I don’t have to do it all at once…Knowing that if I do a little at a time I can feel safe and still make progress.

Why Didn’t Surrogate EFT Stop The Cancer?

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In the newsletter a few weeks ago I shared the story of visiting my much too young friend as her body was losing its battle with cancer. (You can read the full story: With A Heavy Heart)

In addition to many heartfelt responses of concern to my note, I received a number of questions about what I did while she was sick tapping-wise, and how I felt after the fact. For clarity I have summarized the questions (with answers) below.

I would love to hear your thoughts on these questions in the comments below.

After spending what could be many hours of tapping for your friend and her condition, were you ever hopeful that they would overcome this partially or totally?

When I am tapping for someone else I am always working from the starting point that the only thing that I can truly change in the world is me. When I am tuned into what I think others are feeling or experiencing physically I am paying attention to how I am reacting to these thoughts. I am paying attention to any emotion I feel and any physical sensation that I am having. Those are the things I am tapping on.

At the same time I believe that we are all connected in some way. When I transform myself I transform the world. Did I think by tapping in this way that my friend would be cured? I was open to that possibility. I have seen many things come from tapping that in my limited experience I never would have thought were possible.

I have come to a place in my life where I am no longer surprised by grace. When things happen outside my expectation I just think, “Of course that is possible. How could my thinking been so limited?”

When I was tapping I had no expectation of what the outcome was going to be.

Since she wasn’t healed do you feel like you failed (and did you tap for that feeling of failure)?

The feelings of failure I felt were around missing opportunities to be close to my friend sooner. I am sure I am not alone in feeling regret in filling my life with things that in retrospect weren't nearly as important as being with friends and loved ones.

The only thought I had as I sat at the airport on Sunday night waiting to fly home was, “We need to do better for those we love sooner.”

Based on how things turned out, would you tap in the same fashion for someone else who might be in the same situation?

As far as tapping goes I don’t know if there is anything I would have done differently.

Even if the tapping I did wasn’t “effective” or wasn’t done “the right way” for the situation. I sat thinking loving and caring thoughts for a friend. Nothing bad can come from that.

Is it really possible to tap to change someone else’s life or is it really up to them and what they choose to think, do, and believe?

This is really the core question about surrogate tapping.

To be honest: I HAVE NO IDEA!

I know that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions impact the people around me. They are responsible for their own choices, but I know they will respond differently to me showing up in a state of love versus a state of fear. If I tap for myself I will respond to others differently, which will give them opportunities to respond differently to situations.

Every relationship I have is a co-creation. When I transform myself I am transforming the nature of my relationships. It is possible that when I am healing something in myself for me to hold space for someone else to believe new thoughts about themselves.

If I show up in a spirit of love I make it easier for someone else to choose to believe they are worthy of love. I don’t make that choice for them. I am not responsible for them making that choice. But I can make it easier for them.

In the end when I am tapping surrogately for someone what I am doing is spending time thinking loving thoughts about them (good!) and healing the emotions I am feeling (also good!). Whatever comes of that is still beyond my limited understanding of the universe.

Will Saying Negative Phrases While Doing EFT Manifest Bad Things In My Life?

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Q: I am worried that if I say negative phrases I will bring negative things into my life. How can I use EFT without having to use negative phrases?

I receive this question a lot. To answer it we need to look at what is happening when we are tapping and how the words we say impact our success while tapping.

It is important to remember that what we are saying is much less important than what we are feeling when we tap.

The words we say while tapping are not magic.

What is important is where our focus and attention is when we are tapping. If we say, “this pain in my knee…this pain in my knee…” over and over again when we tap but we are thinking about everything that needs to be done once we finish tapping, then the knee isn’t going to feel better.

It is not the words but the focus.

This plays itself out in some interesting ways when we say both positive and negative phrases. To understand this let’s look at a weight release example. Let’s say the client wants to lose 40 pounds but is stuck because of the fact he has failed before and is worried that he will lose the weight only to gain it back again.

Positive v Negative Phrases

There are two ways to approach tapping on this issue.

First, we could address the fear of losing weight only to gain it back again head on. We would tap saying something like:

I have failed before at losing weight…and I’m worried that I will fail again…every time I lose the weight it creeps back…this time will be different…not only do I have a plan to lose the weight…but I have a support system in place…to help me keep it off.

Second, we could decide that we are only going to tap on the positive:

I am going to lose weight…I am going keep the weight off…I am going to look awesome…I am going to feel so much better.

All of these statements are great things to be tapping on, but what is being said is not all that is going on. Every time one of those phrases is said out loud if there is any part of the system that doesn’t believe the phrase to be true, the critical voice will speak up to voice its objections. It might go something like this:

What is said out loud: I am going to lose weight.
What the internal critical voice says in response: And then gain it right back.

Out loud: I am going keep the weight off.
Critical voice: No you aren’t. You failed before and you will fail again.

Out loud: I am going to look awesome.
Critical voice: Only for a short period of time.

Out loud: I am going to feel so much better.
Critical voice: And then the weight will come back and you will feel like crap.

You can see that when we only focus only on the positive and there is a part of us that doesn’t believe the positive statement, the negative will show up.

The good news about this that it doesn’t matter if we use positive or negative phrases because either way we will find our way to tapping on the issues needing attention.

Which Should I Tap On?

The question becomes “Should I use positive or negative phrases while tapping?” For me, the answer is both.

If I recognize a specific limiting belief or block, like the fear of gaining the weight back, my tapping will be most effective if I go right at that issue.

At the same time when I state the goal I want to achieve in the positive I will find my way to self talk and limiting beliefs that I didn’t know existed.

I recommend when tapping to alternate between both positive and negative phrases so that you get both of these benefits.

What To Do When You Feel Like You Have Stopped Moving Forward With An Issue

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My client was so frustrated!

We had been working on an issue for a number of sessions and he felt like we were dealing with the same issues, with the same complaints, with the same outcomes.

The truth was that he had made a lot of progress AND he was getting the same outcome.

When this happens it can be so frustrating because we have put in the work, we know we have healed many issues, but it doesn’t feel like it is bearing any fruit.

I’m Stuck In Quicksand!

Sometimes making progress feels like trying to get out of quicksand.

There is a huge difference between being in quicksand up to your neck and being in quicksand up to your knees. When you are in quicksand up to your neck you are only 10% free and when you are in up to your knees you are 75% free.

But there is a problem. Even though being in quicksand up to your knees is much better than being in quicksand up to your neck, you are still stuck.

The same thing can happen when we are working on a persistent issue. We can spend time (even a great deal of time) working on an issue. Although we have released a great deal around the issue we are still stuck because the part that is left continues to have a grip on us.

It is easy to feel discouraged and like we are failing in the healing process because we are not reaping the rewards of our progress. The good news is that it’s much easier to get out of quicksand when we are only up to our knees, and we truly are much closer to freedom and healing, but we may fail to notice this because we are focusing on still being stuck.

If you feel like you are spinning your wheels with your tapping here is a tapping script you can use:

I have been working on this issue for a very long time…I want to be free of this issue…I know tapping has worked for me in the past…and I want it to work now…the fact that I have done so much work…and not seen any real progress is frustrating…I feel like giving up on this issue…I feel like giving up on tapping…but I choose to know that tapping is a process…I know healing is a process…there are times when I will make progress with an issue…and still not be free of the issue…sometimes healing an issue is like getting out of quicksand…I can make progress when I am working my way towards freedom…but I am still stuck…it is possible to recognize that even when I am not completely free of an issue…I am closer to being free of the issue…with each round of tapping I become a little clearer…with each tapping session I become a little clearer…even if I am not completely out of the quicksand on this issue…I am more free than I was before…I am closer to being free of this…I give myself permission to keep moving forward…knowing that with each moment of healing I experience…I am that much closer to being free of this issue…it is ok that I get frustrated at the fact that it doesn’t feel like I am making progress…it is ok that I feel this isn’t working as fast as I would like…this is because there is a part of me that wants better…I am glad there is a part of me that wants better…and I want this part of me to keep working for better…as bit-by-bit I clear this issue.

Working With An EFT Practitioner Is Not Right For Everyone. Is It Right For You?

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photo by geek calendar

I recently received an email from Kevin in Ireland asking a number of really good questions about reaching out for help with an issue. Not everyone needs to be working with a practitioner.

Have you ever considered working with a practitioner?

Here are my thoughts on working with someone.

If tapping is such a ‘do it yourself’ protocol, why would I bother working with a practitioner?

There are a number of issues that tapping is great for where you can use it on your own without needing any help. As a practitioner I provide four things for my clients: distance, experience, expertise, and encouragement/accountability.

Distance: Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. When we are in the middle of something emotional it is very difficult to see it clearly. Because I am not experiencing the emotions being felt by my client myself, I can often see an issue more clearly. This is true for anyone we share with, not just practitioners. We can regularly find insight into what is going on in our lives by seeking the outside point of view of a trusted friend. Sometimes it is helpful to share this with people we don’t see frequently.

Experience: Having worked with many clients I recognize patterns and root causes that a client would not be able to see on their own. This experience allows me to help clients to move forward much more quickly than they would working alone.

Expertise: EFT is a very simple thing that be done by anyone. It is possible to use the basic recipe and tap on most issues. Even though this works, it is not always the fastest way to relief. With my my training I am able to combine tapping with many other tools that speed the healing process in a way a client could not do on their own.

Encouragement/Accountability: It is easy to feel overwhelmed by our own issues. They don’t feel good and the last thing we want is to stay stuck in the middle of them. Sometimes it is easier just to run and hide instead of engage. As a practitioner I help my clients to stay focused and support them as they are going through difficult issues, helping them to get to the other side.

Why should I pay so much money to someone I don’t know to work with them over the phone or Skype?

You need to be careful with any buying decision. I wouldn’t just pay anyone I found online to work with one-on-one. It is important that you are making the right choice for you.

Here are a few things I would consider before hiring anyone:

  • What type of training do they have?
  • How long have they been a practitioner?
  • Do they have experience with my particular issue?
  • Do they work with someone for their own issues?
  • Have they created resources that I can look at to gauge if they are a good fit for me?

It is easy to get answers to these questions. Just ask. Any practitioner worth their salt will happily provide answers.

You can also look at their website. What have they created? Does it fit with who you are and what you are looking for?

One of the main reasons that I have over 500 free resources on my website is so that potential clients can get a sense of who I am, what I believe, and how I work. For example, if you took a few minutes to “Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto” you would have a good idea if we were a good fit.

I couldn’t get EFT to work with my issue while tapping on my own. Is a practitioner going to guarantee me success?

The short answer is: NO.

Tapping is a wonderful tool that works for many things. Just because it is a wonderful tool that is easy and quick to use, it is not the best tool for every situation. (For example: If you have be stabbed, go to the emergency room. Don’t tap!)

Also, there are issues that tapping will not going to work for, or at least not in a timely way. Know that even when you work with someone who is very skilled with your issue success is still not guaranteed.

If you are going to work with someone it is advisable to ask them about the types of success they have with clients and with your particular issue.

Are there any professional associations for tapping where I can check on the certification of particular practitioners?

Right now there isn’t one centralized organization (even though many would claim to be). Tapping and EFT are relatively new and because of this there is no real standardization of training. Some trainings will give a certificate if you show up to all the classes, some will give a certificate if you pass a test after the class work, and some will give a certificate after class attendance, passing a test, and supervised work with clients.

When someone says they are a certified EFT practitioner it is important that you gain an understanding of what that really means.

Do You Still Have Questions Or Are Thinking Of Working With A Practitioner?

If you are interested in working with someone one-on-one to get past an issue that is holding you back but still aren’t sure, let me know. We can set up a free consultation to answer all your questions and relieve your fears. You might just need some encouragement or instruction to start heading in the right direction. You can reach me directly on the contact page.