Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Tapping To Feel Better (And Why That Isn’t Always A Good Thing)

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I think one of the reasons that tapping is so appealing is because it is so easy to use and it produces relief very quickly.

The first time I experienced the true power of tapping out in the wild (as opposed to being in a training session) was when I woke up in the middle of the night with a massive headache. It felt as if a dagger had been stuck into the top of my head.

I started tapping. 60 seconds later I was pain free and 90 seconds later I was asleep.

It is truly an amazing thing that we have at our fingertips: a tool that we can use to find our way to relief any time and anywhere.

But this isn't always a good thing. Let me explain…
[Read more…] about Tapping To Feel Better (And Why That Isn't Always A Good Thing)

Filed Under: Q&A

The Best Of 2013 @ TappingQandA.com

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2013 was the busiest year yet at TappingQandA. Thank you for taking the time to listen, read, tap along, and comment. Here are some of the best of, most commented upon, and some of my personal favorites of the year.

I would love to hear what you liked over the past year!

My Holiday Embarrassment – Last year during the holiday season I learned a valuable lesson about what is important to me and how I can care for others. This is worth a re-read to remind us of what we can do day to day for other.

EFT for Shame – This short tap-along video was the most commented upon post of the year. Shame can be a crippling emotion and this video will help you to find relief.

When EFT Goes Wrong – Sometimes we take healing, EFT, and ourselves a little too seriously. This should give you a chuckle.

FasterEFT – This interview with FasterEFT creator Robert Smith was the most controversial post of the year. Robert has a unique perspective on the healing process with tapping as you can hear in this thought provoking conversation.

Fear Of Rejection In The Age Of Invitation – This conversation with Rick Wilkes was the most downloaded podcast of the year. It is a great look at how we can connect with others in more meaningful ways.

Is It OK To Say ‘Not' While Tapping? – We are repeatedly told not to use negative statements when we are tapping because the subconscious doesn't hear or understand the word ‘not’. I dug into the scientific research to see if this is true and how the word ‘not’ impacts our tapping. The results are surprising.

Everything I Needed To Know About Manifesting I Learned From Good Will Hunting – Personally, I think we have wrecked the word manifesting. It has been used in so many ways by so many people it doesn't mean anything useful anymore. Here is everything I think you need to know about manifesting.

Not Everything That Feels Personal Is Personal – Just because something hurts us in a personal way does not mean it was a personal attack. It is helpful to know the difference between something that is personal and something that feels personal when we are trying to heal.

My Ego Gets In The Way Of My Healing – I learned a valuable lesson this year about my ego and how it hurts the healing processes because of something that happened on Facebook.

2 Surprisingly Different Outcomes From Tapping – There are two types of results that can come from “successful” tapping sessions. This realization changed the way I tapped.

Best Of The Rest:

The First Tool I Teach After I Teach The EFT Basics

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Good Morning!

Every day I receive emails from all over the world asking me questions about tapping and how to best use to use it. As I talked about last week (last week's newsletter) I love getting these questions.

To help manage my time better I set aside a couple of hours every few days to answer all the emails at once.

After doing a few client calls on Saturday morning I was doing just that and something strange happened. I sent eleven emails with the exact same link in the email. I hadn't received the same question eleven times, but eleven different tapping questions led me to the same resource.

After you know the basics of tapping this is the most powerful tool I know!

The reason it is the answer to some many different questions is because it is all about relationships.

It can be used when tapping about people close to you, like your immediate family.

It can be used when tapping about people you barely know, like a loan officer or a person at the DMV.

It can be used when tapping about people you will never see again, like passed on relatives.

I really believe this is the most powerful tool in my tapping arsenal!

I recorded a short instructional audio a few years ago explaining the three simple steps to the process.

Learn it now! Listen here:

[powerpress] Subscribe to the podcast in iTunes

As always, let me know what I can do for you,

Gene

PS: If you are looking to expand your tool set with the best tapping tools I know make sure you check out the offer I made last Friday: https://tappingqanda.com/?p=9343

Filed Under: Q&A

What If Results From EFT Are Nothing More Than The Placebo Effect?

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The old joke goes something like this:

Dave is complaining of headaches. After a full examination his doctor can find nothing wrong with him but Dave insists that his doctor prescribe him something. Wanting to get Dave out of his office the doctor prescribes him harmless and useless sugar pills. Dave leaves the doctor’s office happy that he has something for the pain.

A week later Dave calls his doctor to report that he has been pain free since taking the pills twice a day. The doctor says, “Dave, you need to understand that I didn't prescribe you anything other than sugar pills. The pills did nothing for your pain. It was a placebo.”

Dave listens for a moment and replies, “That's great doc! I have a really busy week ahead of me and I was hoping you would prescribe me another bottle of those placebos.”

I am asked all the time if I think that tapping isn't really doing anything and that the results that we get from tapping are just due to the placebo effect.

This is an interesting question, but I don't think it is the most important question.

For me the most important question when doing work is, “How is it working for you?” If it is a useful tool: Use it! If it isn’t useful, try something else.

I don’t understand how many of the things that I find useful in my life work. For example, I am typing these words on a small piece of plastic and circuitry. It’s not even connected by a cord to a power source but somehow my thoughts make it to wherever you are in the world. I can't explain how, but it works, and that is enough for me.

With that being said, it is important to pay attention to all the consequences of what we are doing. Eating ice cream works in that it makes me feel better in the moment, but if I used it habitually as a tool to deal with my emotions there would be less than desirable consequences.

I don't really understand what is happening when we tap. I have some ideas, but I can't say for sure.

With that being said, this is the calculation that I do: When I use tapping it is very beneficial in my life. Other than the occasional pimple because I didn't wash my hands before tapping, I can't see it causing any short or long term harm in my life, therefore I am going to continue to use it.

It works for me. I am always trying to learn more. I would love to know exactly what is going on because I am sure that would make me more effective as a tapper.

In the short term the fact that it works for me is enough.

I would love to hear your thoughts on EFT and the placebo effect in the comment box below.

What To Tap On Before Tapping On An Issue (Which Will Make All The Difference)

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photo by Robobobobo

In the discussion forum of a program I help out with an interesting question was posted this week.

The poster, “Debbie”, told the story of having to deal with a lizard in her house. Debbie is petrified of lizards. When she saw the lizard she started tapping and tapping and tapping. Twenty minutes later she was still suck in the fear.

She didn't feel one bit better and her question was, “Why did tapping fail?”

This is a really good question and a common experience. To understand what is going we need understand why the emotion showed up in the first place before looking at why EFT didn't work.

Fear Is Good!

I know it seems counterintuitive, but fear is a good thing. Fear keeps us safe and it keeps us out of trouble. Fear helps us to recognize the things that could harm us.

So the problem is NOT fear. The problem is when fear shows up in a disproportionate or misinformed way.

It is good that I fear lions, but if my fear keeps me from leaving my apartment in Brooklyn then it is disproportionate.

Debbie’s paralysis over a small, harmless lizard is an example of fear showing up in a misinformed way.

Our System Doesn't Want To Lose The Fear

At the most basic level our system “knows” that fear is a good thing because keeps us safe from danger. It assumes that if we are fearful of something it is for good reason and therefore it would be dangerous to release our fears and not respond to threat in the correct manner.

As in my example of being so fearful of lions that I don't leave my apartment in a big city, my system’s instinct of self-preservation fights against tapping for and releasing my fear in case I decide to head up to the Bronx Zoo and climb into the lion enclosure.

I know that sounds silly, but the system will not allow me to clear the fear of lions because it believes the only reason I am safe is because of this fear.

Clearing The Resistance To Change

I believe that this is what was happening when Debbie tapped for her fear of lizards. Her system clung on resolutely to the fear of lizards because it believed that clearing it would lead to certain danger.

When it comes to tapping for anything, not just fear, it is important that we tap for our resistance to change before we tap for the issue itself. If there is a resistance to change then the healing and transformation process will be slower and harder.

Here is how you can tap in a general way to clear resistance to change before you jump into tapping for a specific issue:

There is a reason that my system is holding on to this issue…My system is convinced that this is how it can keep me safe and healthy…My system believes that if I release this issue I will be in more pain…But I give my system permission to know that it is safe to heal this issue…I give my system permission to know that I am only trying to change the misinformed information it is working from…I trust my system and want it to work as well as it can…I want what is best for me…And I know my system wants what is best for me too…It is safe and healthy for me to heal this issue…And if my system is unhappy with the change I can return to the old way…I am tapping on this because I want what is best for me…And I know my system wants what is best for me too.

Starting in this way will set you up for success. If you are looking for another simple way to set up your tapping sessions for success I would encourage you to watch this short video: 5 Steps I Take To Start An EFT Session (That Only Take 45 Seconds)

If you are looking for a boatload of tools to help you each time you sit down to tap you should check out the Ruach Center. In addition to over 100 tap-along audios there are 25 tools to help you tackle those issues where you feel stuck.

[Note: You might be wondering why there is a photo of a cute bunny rabbit on an article about fear. I was going to put a photo of a lizard, but didn't want to trigger anyone who was afraid of lizards. I am guessing bunnies are a much safer bet.]

My Ego Gets In The Way Of My Healing

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If you spent any time on Facebook this week I'm sure you noticed a lot of people's profile pictures were of a giraffe.

This wasn’t because people love giraffes. It was because they had lost a bet. It went like this…on Sunday morning I saw this posted on a friend's Facebook wall:

Here is the riddle: 3 am, the doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors… it's your parents and they are here for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread, and cheese. What is the first thing you open?

Remember… message me only. If you get it right, I will post your name here. If you get it wrong, you have to change your profile picture to a giraffe for three days.

I read the post and immediately fired off my reply, “The front door of course.” I waited confidently knowing I was going to receive a congratulatory message back.

Three minutes later I was changing my profile picture to the photo you see above.

My Ego Got In The Way

This is an interesting bet. I would not have answered this bet with a guess. The only way I would have responded was if I knew I was right. The bet was designed to play on my over-confidence

I ran into trouble (not that it was real trouble) because I was convinced I was right when I was not.

I see the same thing all the time with my clients (and myself) when it comes to working on the right issue. We get caught up in what we “know” to be the root cause of our issue.

This isn't because we are egomaniacs who think we are right all the time, or because we are stupid. No, the reason is that we are often so close to our own issues that it can be really difficult to see things clearly. And in not seeing everything clearly we are convinced what we see is true.

When this happens we can end up wasting a lot of time tapping for the wrong issue!

How To Get Out Of Your Own Way

Here three things to help you to get out of your own way.

1) Work with a practitioner.
In addition to the expertise and experience a good practitioner brings, they have the advantage of not being inside your head. They have perspective on the issue that we don't have and can see things more objectively.

One of the advantages of working with a practitioner is that we don't even have to do all the work with the practitioner. My clients often gain new insight working with me and then take that new information to continue tapping on their own.

2) What if it is something else?
I really like asking the question, “What could be the root cause of this issue if what I thought was the root cause of the issue was proven to be wrong?”

I know that question doesn't look like much, but when we give ourselves permission to let go of what we think is right we are better able to explore other possible solutions.

3) Ask lots questions from many angles.
Sometimes when we are working on a issue we are looking at it the wrong way. For example, let's say you wanted to create a blog about a hobby you love. You are really excited to get started, but for some reason it never happens. You decided that the reason that you are not creating the blog is because you are worried people are going to judge the quality of your work.

That seems very logical. Not being a professional writer and then sharing your writing with world can be scary. You spend the next few weeks tapping for being seen, being judged, and being good enough.

After all this tapping you feel great, you feel confident…and still you don't do any writing.

The real problem turns out to be that you have no idea how to create a website and don't want to feel stupid trying something new.

The tapping that was done was helpful, but it wasn't for the issue that was holding you back.

Over in the Ruach Center I have list of 52 possible reasons that you are stuck in something. You can access the full list free of charge here: Finding Out Why You Are Stuck

When you have an issue you have been tapping for, but can't seem to knock it out, it might be time to find a new angle on the problem and this is a great tool to help you do just that.

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It’s Not Your Fault – I Learned Everything I Needed To Know About Manifesting From Good Will Hunting

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The most memorable moment from the 1997 movie “Good Will Hunting” is when Will (played by Matt Damon) is talking with Sean (played by Robin Williams) about his history of abuse. Will is sharing how his father beat him.

Six times Sean says to Will, “It's not your fault”.

Again and again.

“It's not your fault.”

Will slowly breaks down.

“It's not your fault.”

By the end he finally believes him.

It's Not Your Fault!

Over the years it is amazing the range of things that my clients have taken credit for in their lives. Everything from partners cheating to animals being hit by a car. I even had one client take credit for a flash flood that destroyed everything in her basement.

Please, don't get me wrong.

I am not saying that we are simply at the whims of the universe and that we are helpless victims of the fates, but I do think people often take too much responsibility for what is happening to them.

Personally, I think the problem comes from the way most people use the word ‘manifest’. Because it is possible to create new opportunities in our lives people take it to an extreme and think that everything in their life is a direct result of their thoughts and the choices that they have made.

Somewhere there is a line between what we have created in our lives and what is outside of our control. And to be honest, I am not smart enough to know where that line is.

I do know this: most of my clients err on the side of taking too much responsibility.

AND what is worse is that they beat themselves up for “manifesting” these bad things into their lives. I think this causes two problems. First, I believe it is harmful to blame ourselves for something that isn't our fault. Second, when we do this we often remain in an emotional state of blame and self-recrimination and so we don't take any new positive action.

There are so many times where I just want to say over and over again to my clients “It's not your fault.”

It's Not My Fault, So Now What?

Regardless what has happened leading up to this point and whose “fault” it is, what is much more important is how we choose to react.

The one thing we DO have control over is our reaction. The one thing that we can take responsibility for is what happens next. In order to do this we need to release the feeling of blame and shame for what we have created in our life.

When my clients are caught up in this blame/shame response the first thing I have them do is tap to something like this:

Right now there is something in my life that I don't like…I might have manifested it in my life…Or it might be something that has shown up because of things outside of my control…Someday it will be important for me to get to the root of how this happened…But right now the most important thing is how I respond…Right now the most important thing is that I take responsibility for my response…Right now the most important thing is the choice I am going to make next…Part of me wants to blame myself for this…Part of me want to punish myself for creating this…I choose to let that desire go for now…I choose instead to make the best possible choice as I move forward…I choose to take responsibility for my response…I choose to make the best possible choice to get out of this…I choose to make the best possible choice to move forward…I choose to take responsibility for what I do next…That is where I have the most control.

It's About Your Next Action

I want to be very clear. I do think it is important to understand why things happen in our lives. It is even more important to recognize the patterns that are showing up and to take responsibility for any unhealthy choices that we are making.

BUT, in the short term what is more important (at least in my mind) is the choices that we make next in response to what is happening in our lives. What we do next is more important than how we got here.

When you are stuck in the blame/shame cycle and things aren't going right, take a few moments to tap through the script above.

If you are looking for more tools and tap-alongs to help you make better choices in response to where you are come join us in the Ruach Center. Currently there are over 100 tap-along audios and more than 25 tools to help you tap in response to wherever you find yourself.

Filed Under: Q&A

The 3 Stages Of Lasting Transformation

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I was talking to one of my long term clients “Jesse” this week. She said, “Intellectually I get this, but I still can't seem to make the change.”

What Jesse is experiencing is very common. The reason that most of us find our way to tapping is because understanding something intellectually often isn't enough for us to change our behavior.

In thinking about the process that most of my clients have gone through (and what I have experienced in my personal work) I have realized there are 3 basic steps to making a lasting change in our lives.

Intellectual/Cognitive Understanding

This happens all the time. This is when we know exactly what change we want to make and why we haven't been making the right choices in the past. For example we know intellectually that:

  • It doesn't need to be perfect. It only needs to be good enough.
  • It doesn't matter what my parents think about me looking for a new job.
  • If I commit to just 30 minutes of exercise three times a week I’ll see an improvement in my fitness.
  • Worrying continually about things I cannot change helps nobody.

Emotional Understanding

Just because we understand something intellectually doesn't mean that we will make new choices. Every single one of my clients who is a perfectionist knows they are a perfectionist, knows that it doesn't serve them to be a perfectionist, and wants to change this about themselves.

Most of them can feel themselves being too much of a perfectionist even as they are acting on their perfectionistic tendency. They can be saying out loud, “I don't need to do this perfectly” yet are still unable to stop themselves.

This is because on an emotional level there is a part that still believes it is dangerous to not be perfect.

Until there is an emotional understanding of the intellectual insight lasting change can’t take place.

Habitual Change

This is the type of change that is most often missed and the thing that causes tappers the most frustration about the process.

It goes something like this: We have an emotional belief that we need to have everything just perfect, so every night before we go to bed we spend 45 minutes cleaning the house. We tap for the sense of perfectionism, aiming to get to a place where we know that the house doesn't have to be perfectly clean every day…and we still spend 45 minutes cleaning before we can get to bed.

What Happened?

What has happened is part of our end of day routine is to clean for 45 minutes. It is no different than the habit of brushing our teeth before bed. It has become part of our muscle memory and so we do it even though the emotional motivation is gone.

This doesn't just apply to our action. We also create habitual emotions and self-talk. For example, I might have the habit of asking “What did I do wrong?” every time something goes wrong even if I had nothing to do with it. I can tap to recognize that it is not always my fault, but questioning my responsibility can be a habit.

Conclusion

To make long term lasting change we need to change three things: our understanding, our emotional response, and our habitual response.

If you are looking for help with doing this the Ruach Center has tools, tapping scripts, and tapping audios to help with you with all three steps. If you don't know how to do one of these steps for something you are trying to change in your life you should check it out.

What Do You Mean I Don’t Want To Get Rid Of The Emotion?

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Yesterday morning I posted this on the Tapping Q & A facebook page:

Post by Tapping Q & A.

The first comment I received in response to the post was:

Isn't it really anger elimination when you tap? It does far more than manage, don't you agree?

That is a great question. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques and so that would lead us to believe we are trying to be free of our emotions. But in fact, that is not our goal.

Here is my response:

No, it is not anger elimination because anger is helpful emotion. Anger shows up when we feel like we are being attacked. The guys I worked with in jail sometimes need the energy of anger to stay alive when they are in physical danger.

The problem is not anger. The problem is when the anger is disproportionately strong or shows up at a time when anger isn't the appropriate response.

It is OK to be angry when someone cuts us off while driving. The anger helps us to focus and avoid an accident. If we then pull over and cry for 45 minutes or follow the person who cut us off home so we can confront them, then the anger is too much.

No emotion is bad or should be eliminated. We want the emotions to show up at the right time and in the right proportion.

When we tap the goal is never the elimination of emotions. It is to help the emotions to show-up in proportionate and informed ways.

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You Don’t Need One Minute Miracles, You Just Need To Do A Little Every Day (And Here Is One Way To Start)

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photo by Matthew

I have written before on how I think the way we talk about one minute miracles is bad for the EFT community. One minute miracles aren't bad, but I think they create a very unrealistic approach.

Just because we don't have one minute miracles with all of our tapping doesn't mean that it we need to do a huge amount in order to see change. Often it takes a little work every day.

One of the neatest examples of this that I have seen recently was in a link that Jen Dziura shared about a woman who taught herself to dance in just one year.

Here is the video proof:

It is amazing what doing a little work each day will do!

What To Do With Each Day?

Just because you decide to tap every day doesn't mean that you know what to do or say when tapping. If you don't know what you want to tap on try this:

I know that I need to do a little tapping each day…But right now I don't know what to tap for…And I don't know what words to say when I am tapping…The most important thing is the fact that I am taking the time right now to tap…By doing this I am getting the juices flowing and I am setting myself up to make progress…Even if nothing in particular comes to mind…The fact I am taking these few moments to tap will bring me peace…Bring me calm…Making it easier for me to make better choices for today.

If you tap in this way one of two things will happen. Either an issue that you need to tap on daily will come to mind OR you will still have blank mind but will feel great and ready to take on your day in a positive, calm way.

Either way it is a win!

The First Question I Ask When I Can’t Get To The Root Of My Self-Sabotage

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photo by Nina Matthews

Sometimes we can be in two minds when it comes to change.

There is one part of us that wants the change because it knows our life will be better because of it and then there is another part that wants things to stay the same.

My move to Brooklyn is a perfect example. The move has been an exciting adventure that I have been wanting to make for a really long time AND Baltimore was my home for ten years and I left behind many people I love.

When we are of two minds about a goal it can slow us down or even stop us from taking action toward our goals.

(If I am really honest I know that I made the move to New York a year later than I should have because I consistently failed to take the action I needed take to make the move.)

There are times when it is obvious why we are in two minds. We feel almost like we have a cartoon devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, each pulling us in a different direction.

And then there are times when this pull isn't as obvious. We aren't taking action towards achieving our goal but we don't exactly know why.

When my clients can see the action they need to take but simply aren't taking it I like to ask them the question: “What would you have to give up to achieve this goal?”

The answers given to this question are fascinating. They range from the pragmatic, “I will have to give up some of my free time”, to the philosophical, “I will give up my image as a hard worker because my colleagues will see me as lazy if I start taking more time to rest and take care of myself.”

The next time you are stuck and can't figure out why you aren't taking the action you need just ask yourself the question, “What would I have to give up in order to do this successfully?”

Your answers will provide you with some great and possibly surprising information to tap on!

[Are you tired of feeling like you have no power over your own choices and that you keep sabotaging yourself as you try to move toward your goals? Over at the Ruach Center I have 49 reasons just like having to give up something to achieve your goal. There are tools to help you find the root cause of your self-sabotage and tools to knock those root causes out so that you can start taking the action you need.]

What Happens When You Are Looking For An Answer That Isn’t There?

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photo by Alberto G.

One of my favorite parts of working with clients is watching them work through the process of learning that they can have better, that it can happen sooner rather than later, and that they can make conscious choices every day to move towards that better life.

Over time my clients go from needing help from me to doing lots of work on their own between sessions.

As this happens they gain skill at finding the root causes of the symptoms they are experiencing in their daily lives.

Finding root causes to our issues is an important skill to develop. When we are able to knock out the root causes not only are we dealing with the symptom that we are experiencing right now, but we are also clearing the issue so that it doesn't come back again.

But there are times when looking for the root cause will actually hold up the healing process and lead to self-sabotage. What happens is that we get so focused on finding the root cause we can’t see the wood for the trees!

Sometimes there just isn't a root cause or we don't have the right tool to find it. If we continue to focus only on looking for the root cause we will become frustrated by our lack of progress and might even feel worse emotionally as a result.

When this happens I like to tap on the idea that I don't need to find the root cause in order to heal. The tapping goes something like this:

There is a part of me that knows there is often a root cause to my issues…And I know that if I am able to find the root cause it will help me to heal faster…There is a part of me that really wants to find that root cause…And because I want to find the root cause so badly…I might be pressing too hard…But when I press too hard I sometimes miss what I am looking for…I give myself permission to know that it is possible to heal this without knowing the root cause…I can find relief even if I never know why this is the way it is…I can be free of this just by tuning into the symptoms that are there…I am also willing to accept that sometimes there isn't just one reason why…Sometimes there are issues that have lots of small aspects that have added up to create the whole…And there is no way that I will ever know…And that is OK…I don't have to know to heal…I can heal without knowing…As nice as it would be to know the root cause…Relief is more important…And I can have lasting relief without ever knowing the root cause.

After tapping like this we will have one of two results.

1) We will feel relaxed about not knowing the root cause. This will improve our mood and help the process. We will feel better when we can let go of the worry about doing it right or getting it solved right now.

2) We will find the information we are looking for. It is an odd thing, but there have been countless times when I have been tapping where I will say something like, “I am OK not knowing the answer right now,” and in the very next moment the information that I am looking for comes right to mind.

Either way it is a win. You will either feel better and at peace or you will have the information you need.

The next time you can't find the root cause you can relax. Tap for the idea that you don't need to identify the root cause and you will open yourself up to new avenues for healing.

If you would like to expand the number of creative ways you know to uncover root causes please check out the Ruach Center. Some of the best tools I know can be found there.

There Is So Much, I Don’t Know Where To Begin When Using EFT

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I have a lot of issues that I want to use Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping on, but I don’t know where to begin. Should I deal with the memories chronologically or should I do them in chunks of related issues?


photo by Brian Barnett

This is a question that I receive often. Once someone has been introduced to the power of EFT and understands how it can be used to address many physical and emotional issues, they start to look for all of the areas in their life to apply this powerful technique.

The problem comes when, as we do this self-assessment, we realize that there are many more issues beneath the surface than we initially thought.

At first this can feel overwhelming because there is so much to do. Once we get past the feeling of overwhelm (if you are having trouble with overwhelm see Overwhelmed By How Much Healing I Need – link) then the next task is to figure out where to begin.

There is no right or wrong place to start. With every issue we clean up we make progress, which will make it easier and easier for us to live with joy and fulfillment. What’s important is to recognize that not all issues have the same effect on our daily lives.

For example, let’s pretend I am phobic about monkeys. When I am around monkeys I lose my mind.

Could I use EFT to deal with this fear? Absolutely.

BUT, is this the most pressing issue in my life right now? If I lived in Costa Rica it might be, but since I don’t, it’s not the best use of my EFT time.

In my opinion the best place to start is with the issues and limiting beliefs that are affecting your life right now and having an impact on where you would like your life to go next. Clearing the emotional charges around the people and situations that you deal with regularly will bring immediate benefits and ensures that you invest your tapping time well.

Approaching What Is Going On Right Now With EFT & Tapping

I recommend that you make a few lists, starting with the people in your life you spend the most time with, or think about most. As well as those we see in person, we can expend a lot of energy in both positive and negative ways on the people we don’t see every day, like our family.

Take time to think about each person and your relationship with them. Pay particular attention to the emotions that come up as you think of them.

As you think of someone who elicits an emotion (or emotions), write down their name and what you are feeling. I would do this for the five to ten people you spend the most time with, or spend the most time thinking about.

Next go through the same process with the places where you spend most of your time and energy. These could be work, school, church, at your children’s activities, places where you shop often, and your neighborhood.

Again, give thought and attention to each of these places, writing down any emotions that arise on your list. Notice the emotions that you feel about the place itself as well as the emotions you feel when you are interacting with the community there.

Once you have finished creating these two lists you will have a wealth of areas on which to focus your tapping time.

Approaching The Future With EFT & Tapping

One of the main reasons that we don’t have the life we want is because of the limiting beliefs we hold about the world and ourselves. Figuring out what we want – because many of us don’t know what we truly want – and then finding and clearing our limiting beliefs is a more complex topic than can be dealt with in one short article.

There are many approaches to doing this. One approach is laid out in this four part series:

Getting The Most Out Of Your Tapping/EFT Time

When it comes to using EFT on a whole host of issues it is best to start in the place that will produce the greatest change in your life. If you can’t name one pressing issue, then find your focus by looking at where your life is right now, identifying the emotional struggles you face daily, and how you want your life to be different in the future. In this way you will see the greatest change for the time you invest in your healing.

You Don’t Have To Tap Away Your Fear With EFT In Order To Take Action

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photo by Svante Adermark

My life is a little crazy right now. From the outside it looks like I am being really brave in the midst of all the craziness.

I am in the process of moving from Baltimore to Brooklyn, NY. I am uprooting my life to move to the fourth largest metropolitan area in the world, where housing rentals are snapped up in a matter of hours, not days. At the moment I know I am certainly moving but I have no clue where I am moving to.

At the same time I am working on some new things that I will be offering on the website which are the most personal things I have ever shared. As those of you who are part of MyEFTYear.com know, one of my goals for this year was to work on my issues around dating and romantic relationships.

About six weeks ago I came up with a list of 32 fears that I have around relationships. Not only have I been tapping for these issues, I have been videoing myself tapping for each issue. Sometime later this summer I plan to make those videos available for you to tap along to too.

Oh boy are those videos raw and messy. Because of their honesty they are more than a bit embarrassing! And there is the little issue of how emotional I have become in a few of them.

“You really are in the brave space right now!!”
That is what one of my friends wrote while we were chatting online: “You really are in the brave space right now!!”

And the truth is, I'm not really in a brave space right now.

Instead I am having moments of bravery and I am taking full advantage of those moments and acting.

For example, one of the reasons the move to NY is happening right now is because I had to let the property managers of my building know this week if I was going to renew my lease. Had I taken no action, then my lease would have renewed automatically.

To let them know I was leaving I had to notify them in an official letter via certified mail.

I wrote the letter, put the letter in an envelope, and stuck the postage on the outside.

AND then I had a hard time breathing. My head was filled with: “What if I can't find a place to live? What if I can't really afford the move? Am I going to wreck the relationships I have with my friends here in Baltimore by leaving? Oh crap…moving is hard!”

So I started to tap. I calmed myself down. I walked to the postal box and dropped the letter in.

Fifteen minutes later I was gripped with panic again.

BUT that was OK because the process of moving had started.

The Fear Doesn't Have To Be Completely Gone To Act
About eight times a day I feel some (or a lot) of anxiety about the move. But just because the worry is still there doesn't mean that I have to stop making progress. With each passing day I’m progressing and crossing more items off my moving todo list.

I haven't had to be brave every moment. I haven't had to eliminate the fears of everything going wrong.

I have only had to keep the fear at bay long enough to take an action that moves me closer to my goal. Once an action is taken it sets off a chain reaction of events to which I respond.

I now have to move out of my place in Baltimore, which is pushing me forward to take more action.

You Don't Have To Tap It All The Way To A Zero
A lot of tappers make the mistake of thinking that they have to tap an issue completely away. They think that if they haven't erased the issue with tapping then it isn't done and they can't act until it is.

We only need to tap our way to being able to take the next step towards our goal. We might have to start tapping the moment we have completed that step, but what is more important is the fact that we have acted and are closer to our goal.

When tapping our goal isn't to be anxiety free (though that would be great). Our goal is to make it possible for us to take the action we need to take to progress.

Sometimes those actions might be made in a state of fear, but they are being taken.

You don't need to tap your way to total relief.

You just need to tap to action.

(And if you need it you can start tapping again.)

Is My Self-Sabotaging Critical Voice Always Going To Be With Me?

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photo by Steve Corey

This week I was working with my client “Molly”. Over the last few weeks we had been tapping for a number of public speaking sales situations. She said:

“Last week was really great. I felt so much more comfortable in my own skin. I was so much more present to my audience and so much less inside of my own head. But I have a question, will that little voice in my head always be there? It feels like it is less powerful now, but it just won't go away.”

This is a great question. In the article “Transforming Your Critical Voice Into Something Helpful In 8 Steps” I showed you how to begin to get a handle on your critical voice. But you will notice I don't talk about making it go away.

There are two things to keep in mind with the critical voice.

It Is There To Be Helpful
I know it can be hard to believe that the critical voice inside your head that is always beating you up is being helpful, but it really is trying to keep you safe. It’s operating from the assumption that if it points out all the things you are doing wrong, you will then correct your actions and make better choices.

You know as well as I do that it doesn't work like that. That nagging voice doesn't usually produce any positive change, it simply brings us down and saps our motivation.

When we do something like this 8 step process we can start to transform our critical voice into something useful.

At first blush it would seem that we just want to silence that tireless, nagging voice, but it can be very useful in pointing out possible obstacles and opportunities.

We Will Keep Trying Harder Things
Even when we have tamed our critical voice and have it under control, it will still be useful to us as we move ahead and aim higher. When we stretch ourselves and attempt new and different things that may be a little scary, our critical voice will show up to try to keep us safe.

The moment my internal voice goes mute is the moment that I have stopped growing and progressing.

Making Sure It Is Helpful
So, to answer Molly's question directly: No, your critical voice will not go away AND that isn’t a bad thing.

Our aim is to move away from an internal battle and to welcome our internal voice as a watchful ally. In doing this we will feel better about ourselves because we aren't being beaten up for the inside out AND we will be able to move forward in a helpful way.

I would encourage you to re-visit “Transforming Your Critical Voice Into Something Helpful In 8 Steps” and start the transformation right now.

Is The Way You Are Talking About Your Issues Stopping Your Progress?

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photo by Marlon Malabanan

The words we use to describe our world are very important because they impact the way we understand what we are experiencing. The words we use give our experience meaning.

For example, if I say, “Everyone at work hates me!” that will impact the way I walk into the office because I will have my guard up with every interaction.

If a client says this to me, my follow up question is, “Really, everyone?” Most of the time their response is something like, “No, but Jim, Sally, and Devon really have it out for me.”

You can see that when the work environment is described by having trouble with three people v everyone, we would walk in with a different mindset.

All of this came to mind in a recent client session. “Jeff” was lamenting the fact that he was not tapping as much as he would like. As we continued the conversation it was revealed that the reason he was not tapping was because he was worried that there was some big nasty issue under the surface that he really didn't want to tackle.

That is a perfectly reasonable and common reason that people don't tap.

Later in our session, as we were talking about his plans to tap over the next few weeks, he said, “I am going to set 30 minutes aside each morning to tap on the big stuff.”

I stopped him and said, “I think you are setting yourself up for failure. You said that you were having trouble tapping on difficult issues and now you are saying you want to go after the big. How about you go after the important stuff? That might be big, it might be small, but it will have high value. That will make it easier to do the work.”

I will admit that it seems like a subtle change, but I think words are that important. The way we talk about the world is the way we will then interact with the world.

Take a moment to think about the parts of your life you are not happy with or the issue you normally tap on. How do you describe those problems? Do you describe them as impossible, inevitable, or overwhelming?

Make a list of all the adjectives you would use to describe your issues, write them down, and note your emotional response to those words.

This is very telling. If there is little or no hope of success, or if you describe the process of healing as painful or overwhelming, then you will live up to those words.

When you see the process as too hard or too painful you will sabotage yourself and you will avoid the work you need to do.

If you change the way you talk about your problems then you will also change the way you respond to them.

I would love hear the words you came up with when describing your issues in the comments below.

Here is a tapping script that will help you when feel like your problems are too big or hard:

I know there are a lot of things I need to tap for…Some of these things feel really big…And because they feel so big I don't want to approach them…I am worried they are going to be too much…They will take too much time…And too much effort…It feels like hard work going after them…I am not going to do the hard stuff…I am going to do the important stuff…I am going to work on the issues that are facing me right now…They may be old issues…They may be new issues…But they will be the issues that are impacting me now…And by going after the issues that are affecting me now…I will only need to do as much as is needed to move forward…I don't have to deal with it all right away…Just the things that are holding me back now.

What Have You Found To Be The Most Successful Approaches To EFT?

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I asked a bunch of my favorite tappers what mistakes beginners and pros make when tapping. Today I have their response to the question “What have you found to be the most successful approaches to EFT”?

Jade Barbee – emotionalengine.com

  • Using specific strategies to tap on the discomfort of change.
  • Addressing past events in detail, one intense aspect at a time (personal peace journal).
  • Addressing limiting beliefs and the consequences of changing them.

Jondi Whitis – eft4results.com

  • Agreeing to meet the person wherever they are and patiently walk beside them.
  • Breathing hope into them as you patiently wade through the specific events that hold these beliefs in place.

Ilana – positive-eft.com

  • Covering as many aspects of the same thing not in the usual way only but covering all senses.

Ann Ross – eftuk.net

  • Deep respect for the client, whatever the problem.
  • A quiet loving energetic space within.
  • Being open to miracles – always – and not expecting or anticipating them.
  • A deep intimacy/acceptance of the client and yourself.

Ange Finn – TapIntoYourself.com

  • I like combining tapping with guided imagery exercises to elicit more right–brained images and information. They can be quite powerful in combination and allow for a lot of creativity for the practitioner.

Lindsay Kenny, EFT Master – ProEFT.com

  • Being flexible, listening to your intuition, having the intention clear about your outcome and remaining open–minded.
  • It also helps to continue to grow and learn. Tapping is an ever-evolving art and will hopefully remain that way. Sometimes people want things to stay the same…and that's not always a good thing. If we are going to continue being successful, we need to allow ourselves to change, grow and evolve; personally and professionally.

Alina Frank — tapyourpower.net

  • The most successful EFT is EFT that is done thoroughly and tested exceedingly well. I also use my own Holographic EFT which assumes that everything and everyone is an illusion of my creation which I am responsible for. Matrix Reimprinting has also changed my practice and I teach it to my students because I feel strongly that no EFT education is complete without it.

Sherrie Rice Smith – EFTUniverse.com

  • When I tap with clients who are literally loaded with problems, I've had the most success, and this can be controversial, too, when I really exaggerate the issues. Many times they will cry, but it is for only perhaps 30 seconds, then the relief floods in. I'm not afraid to say what I intuitively get that they are thinking or have never admitted to another soul on earth! i.e. “I killed that baby” if I'm tapping with a client guilt laden from an abortion 30 years previously. If they feel guilt, it's usually because they are thinking that exact thought. Most admit to me that it is the thought going through their heads.

Colleen Flanagan – EmoRescue.com

  • Clearing all aspects of fear as core issues for unwanted physical, emotional, financial and mental conditions.

Steve Wells –

  • Continual tapping whilst accepting and flowing with whatever comes, thoughts or feelings, without trying to change them, and following wherever that leads.
  • Combining tapping with other ways of shifting energy and emotion, and other Energy Techniques.

Rod Sherwin – tap4health.com

  • Match the clients language, their sensory representation, their metaphors and even their speed of tapping. Also, use questions when tapping to allow the mind to fill in the answers.

Pamela Bruner – MakeYourSuccessEasy.com

  • Longer IS better – there is a huge difference in 10 min vs 30 min. If you really need to reduce a charge in order to see new possibilities, don't give up too soon.

Andy Hunt – practicalwellbeing.co.uk

  • I think a willingness to be open to your experience without fear or favour as you tap on what is going on. This requires quite a lot of humility as a lot of what turns up (at least in my experience) is not very edifying.
  • Persistence and a willingness to pursue the SUDs score down to zero, some of the most important stuff is often hidden between 2 and 0.

Using EFT For Goals That Are Hard To Measure

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photo by Angie Torres

I was recently working with a client, who we will call “Joe”. Joe asked, “I am starting to wonder if I am on the right path. I have a set of goals, but I can't really tell if I working towards them. I know I am working hard, but I don’t know if I am moving forward. How can I tell if I am doing the right work and making progress, or just spinning my wheels avoid the real work because I am afraid of it?”

This is a thoughtful question.

When it comes to judging our success there are two types of goals: those that are easy to measure and those that are hard to measure. As we talked it became clear that Joe's problem stemmed from the fact that he was dealing with goals that were hard to measure.

Let's look at both types to identify the problem and how we can respond.

Easy To Measure Goals

Examples of easily measurable goals are:

  • Lose 25 lb
  • Sell $3000 in products this month
  • Run a 5km race
  • Complete my college degree

The nature of these types of goals make them easy to measure. It is clear how much weight we have lost, how much we have sold, and if we have completed something like a degree or a race. Because these are easy to measure judging our progress and taking clear steps towards them is straightforward.

When the steps are clear it is easier to figure out where our emotional blocks are around the actions that we aren't taking and to work our way through the issues that cause us to sabotage our progress.

Hard To Measure Goals

Examples of hard to measure goals are:

  • Improve my mental health
  • Increase my self esteem
  • Deepen my spiritual practice
  • Be more present to my partner

These are wonderful goals and great things to work towards but Joe's question is important. How can you tell if you are really moving towards these goals when progress is not easily measurable?

To assist with this we can use a simple three step process, first to help us to see a clearer path to achieving these goals, and second to identify the emotional blocks we need to clear in order to move forward.

1) Name the proof that we have achieved our goal
Even though it is difficult to name how we can tell when we have reached a goal that is hard to measure, it is often easier to name the desired outcomes of these goals. Let's take the goal “Increase my self esteem”. Even though I can't measure my self esteem I know what my day looks like when I feel better about myself.

It might look like this:

  • I make more eye contact with my co-workers
  • I give my opinion at work
  • I ask the waiter to have my order fixed when they bring me the wrong meal
  • I end my phone conversation with my friend when she starts to belittle me

All of these outcomes are measurable and because they are measurable we can start to gauge if we are just tapping for an issue, or really doing the important work needed before we can move forward.

In the first step take some time to come up with a list of how you can tell if you are achieving a hard to measure goal. I would encourage you to come up with a list of 10 ways to measure each of these goals.

2) Identify the strategic and emotional blocks to achieving the outcomes
For each of the measurable outcomes ask yourself these 4 questions. Please write out your answers.

* What steps I can take right now to achieve this outcome?
* What emotions do I feel and thoughts do I have when I read the outcome out loud?
* What will I lose,both positive and negative, if I achieve these outcomes?
* What are the possible negative consequences for these outcomes?

Don't rush through your answers. Give yourself time to be thoughtful.

3) Tap through your answers
If you have responded thoughtfully to the first two parts of the exercise you now have a useful script to tap through. Instead of treating this like a traditional tapping script where you simply read each line and tap, I want you to take a little more time.

Read a sentence out loud as you tap and sit with the statement for a few moments. Pay attention to the thoughts and emotions that arise. After a few moments move on to the next phrase.

Conclusion

It is important that we have clearly defined measurable goals, but some goals by nature are hard to measure. If we spend time figuring out how to measure what success can look like and clear the emotional blocks to achieving these outcomes we will be able to move continually toward our goals.

I would love to hear your experience with this process in the comment section below.

What Are The Biggest Mistakes Made By Pro Tappers?

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Two weeks ago I shared with you what a bunch of my favorite tappers think are the biggest mistakes made by beginner tappers. Now I have have some of their answers to, “What are the biggest mistakes made by pro tappers?”
[Read more…] about What Are The Biggest Mistakes Made By Pro Tappers?

Does Using EFT Erase Your Memory?

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photo by Kristin Nador

Here is part of an email I received from a reader last week:

“I had a profound experience with my first EFT session whilst just tapping along and now I'm almost scared to indulge in some more. It's as if I have large chunks of my memory missing. Am I really erasing my memories?”

This is a great question because it is a common experience. AND if we are worried that tapping will “erase” our memories it makes sense that we wouldn't want to use it.

There are two things we need to understand in order to answer this question: how memory works, and what happens to memories when using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT).

Your Memory Isn't Accurate

The first thing to note is that our memory is not an accurate representation of what has happened. Our memories are incomplete interpretations of the past. If you don't believe me, ask three of your family members to tell the story of what happened last year over the holidays and you will be given three different versions of events.

In addition to our memories not being a perfect representation of what happened, they also alter over time. Each time we access a memory we are not just replaying what happened, but we are also adding to it.

That is why as time goes by our past looks better and better (or worse and worse). Not only are we remembering something that happened in the past, but each time we think about this past we add positive feelings to the memory.

Many people would describe their first kiss as a magical moment. The reality may have been it was an experience shared by two 13 year olds who had no idea what they were doing, but as the moment is recalled over and over again it is slowly turned into the most magical moment ever.

The fact that tapping changes the way we remember things is not surprising because we are always changing and reforming our memories without even realizing it.

We Didn't Erase It, We Released It

Once we understand that the memory is not static we can start see what happens to our memories when we are tapping.

Our memories are not just the fact of what happened. In addition to, “she said this, he said that, and then someone walked in,” our emotion also forms part of the memory.

The memory is: She said this and felt worried. He said that and I felt overwhelmed. He walked in I felt like I had an ally.

In many cases the emotions we remember (and relive when we remember) are a large portion of the memory. When we tap on a memory we release the emotion associated with the memory.

If the memory was 70% emotion and we release all the emotion, then we are only left with 30% of the memory. When this happens it feels like the memory has been erased. It is much like if we only had 30% of the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. The picture would be so incomplete we couldn't tell what we were looking at.

It Is Part Of The Healing Process

When you tap on a deeply emotional past memory there is a very real possibility that it might feel like you are erasing your memory. In really you are just letting go of the emotional charge that is part of the memory. This is a natural part of the healing process and it is OK. There is no need to worry.

AND when this happens you are freeing yourself up to fill the space occupied by the emotion with better and richer feelings.