Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Round Up – If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

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There is a wealth of information in the tapping community. From time to time I ask practitioners I respect their thoughts on tapping, healing, and their work. (I “round up” their opinions.) This happens about once a month. You can read past round-ups.

If you would like to check out my answer to this question (and more) you can download “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto“. (For free w/o having to sign up for anything.)

If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

I would have liked to reach the understanding that lack of money is a symptom of something else sooner rather than later. I spent a lot of time and money trying to make more money when instead it would have been to understand what money meant to me and what the lack of it was protecting me from.
Rod Sherwin

“I'd start much earlier. My journey started because I became very ill and couldn't breathe. To this day, it has never been successfully diagnosed, however, I have come to believe it's emotionally based.

Thankfully, it led me into a spiritual journey that is ongoing to this day. It is that spiritual journey that changed my life dramatically and profoundly. I now use what I've learned over two decades to help others in their healing journey and it seems to work quite well.”
Ted Robinson

Not a thing, I'm content with the process.
Pamela Bruner

All the steps I took were necessary. I'm not sure there could have been a better way. I can say that many times during this process, I might have disagreed with that statement.
Chip Engelmann

Get help! I did it all alone, but it wasn't until I became a qualified practitioner that I realized it is better to work with someone else for the big stuff. For example don't try to sort out your phobia or a past trauma alone. It's not worth it, you could bite off more than you can chew AND it will probably take months for you do to it alone when it could be sorted in a couple of sessions by a qualified practitioner.

Mel

NOTHING…I had to bite the dust of my own pride and prejudice before I could see the path that I am on right now. I do not think that it would have been possible any other way. I would not change a thing.
Till Schilling

How would you answer this questions? Let us know!

Doing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/Tapping with a Loved One

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I've always known that to practice Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) with our loved ones may be more difficult than to do it with others. I realize that probably the main reason is that one cannot get him/herself out of the way, as personal feelings/emotions energetically block EFT action. Could you please comment on specific methods of working with loved ones?

photo by freeparking

This is a very insightful question. Many times our loved ones are the ones we want to share EFT/tapping with the most, but it can be very hard to work with people we have a great deal of history and emotional investment with.

However, just because it can be harder doesn't mean it is impossible. Here are a few things to keep in mind when working with loved ones while doing EFT/tapping.

Knowing It Can Be Tricky
The first step in doing work with a loved one is to understand that it can be tricky. I am not saying that every time we tap with someone who is close to us it is going to be hard. For example, if we are tapping on a physical pain it is normally going to be very straightforward. This is also true for many emotional issues as well. Tapping on something like a fear of public speaking or mice shouldn't cause much trouble either. When it can be difficult is when we have a personal stake in the healing, when we have specific beliefs about how our loved one should change, and/or we know the other people involved in the situation.

Whenever we go into a situation where we know the possible pit falls we are more likely to deal with it in a proper manner. When we are tapping with loved ones, if we are aware of the possible pitfalls then we are going to do a better job.

When we are tapping with a loved one, it can be hard for both the person we are tapping with as well as hard for us.

Why it can be hard for them
First, it can be hard to be open and honest with a loved one. We want the people who love us the most to think the best about ourselves. It can be hard to open up about our weaknesses to people who are close to us because we are afraid they are going to judge us (on the surface this seems silly. Our loved ones should be the ones we can be most honest with, but this fear is very real). Because of this fear our loved ones might not share what is really going on. Because of this it is going to make it hard to be successful because we are not working with the real issue.

Second, as a continuation of the first fear, often times where we are tapping we can be surprised by the information that comes forward. I see this all the time with my clients. We start by tapping something as simple as a craving for chocolate and end up working with the fact they are feeling disconnected from their grown children. When this happens we can end up in a place where our loved one no longer feels safe. When we started they were gung-ho, but now it no longer feels safe and they shut down, making it hard for us to continue the work.

The best way to deal with the fact it might be hard for them is to be open and honest with them during the tapping and to name the possible problems. Explain to them that it is often hard to work with someone who is so close, but there are going to be a number of things you are going to do to make it easier for them (which will be discussed below). Also give them permission to stop at any point where they are feeling uncomfortable.

Why it can be hard for us working with them
Often it can be difficult for us to work with loved ones because of history and knowledge. When I am working with a new client I have a completely clean slate. I don't know any of the actors involved in the client's situation. Because of this I am able to meet and work with a client exactly where they are. This is really hard to do with a loved one because I am bringing all of my own assumptions and perceptions to the situation.

For example, I know my friend David's propensity to overreact to the criticism he receives from his coworkers. When tapping with David about his bad day at work it is very easy to just jump to tapping on “I know I am over-reacting to what everyone else is saying.”

We might get to tapping phrases like that rather quickly, but that is only valuable if and/or when he is ready for that. He first needs to get through the emotions of feeling judged before he can deal with his reaction.

When working with clients I am always striving to meet them where they are in the situation. I need to try doubly hard with loved ones because in many ways I know where we are going (or I think I know).

By keeping this in mind as you go into the tapping you are going to be in a better place to stay personally and emotionally detached.

They don't have to say everything out loud
One of the really nice things about the tapping protocols is the fact that the practitioner doesn't need to know any of the details of what the client is working on for progress to happen. Sometimes it makes guiding the client easier when we know the details, but it is never a requirement. For tapping to work, the client simply needs to be focused on what is going on (i.e., the “problem”) while tapping.

There are varying degrees regarding how much our loved one may need to share out loud. One of the most basic levels is when we have them tune-in to the issue they are feeling and tap without saying anything about the emotion at all. In this case I would have my loved one tune-in to the emotion at hand. I would say something like, “I want you to name the emotion you are feeling and rate it 0-10 in intensity. Just let me know when you have done this.” I would then have them tap on “this emotion . . . this emotion . . .” I would then repeat the process checking to see if the emotion is still the same emotion that we started with and what its intensity level currently is at on the SUDs scale.

The next level of sharing can be when the loved one feels comfortable sharing the emotion, but they don't want to share the details of the situation. It can look as simple as having our loved one name the emotion they feel (let's say anger) and rate it on the SUDs scale and then have them tap on “This anger . . . this anger . . . this anger . . . ” After doing a few rounds of tapping check to see if the emotion is still anger or if it has morphed into frustration. Have them rate it on the SUDs scale again and tap some more.

In addition to tapping on the specific emotion, we can have them share why they feel this emotion without sharing too many specifics. For example, if they are angry we can ask, “Angry – why?” “Because I feel betrayed!” This would then allow us to tap on, “I feel angry because I was betrayed . . . ” We could also ask, “Why does it feel so bad to be betrayed in this situation?” “Because I thought I could trust them with something this important.”

You can see how we can ask questions about describing what is going on without getting in to any specific details that might be uncomfortable because of our closeness to them and the situation.

Finally, we can also have them share all details except who is involved. They might feel comfortable sharing the details about what happened, but are not comfortable sharing who is involved. For example, they might feel very hurt because someone is gossiping about them, but because we also know the person who is the gossip they don't want to share who it is. In cases like this we can just have them change the name to something like the letter X.

The tapping might look like, “I feel really hurt because X has been talking behind my back . . . I can't believe that X wouldn't bring the issue to me . . . ”

I find it really helpful (even with my clients whom I do not know personally) to just let them know that it is possible for tapping to work without having to share many of the details that are going on. By letting them know it is OK to not share details, it puts them more at ease and makes progress easier.

Work with the kinesthetic not the emotional
Sometimes it is really hard to talk about how we feel. This isn't just the case when working with loved ones, but it is true for any client. As we talked about above, it can be particularly true when working with loved ones. I have found that instead of working with the emotions we can be just as successful working with the physical/kinesthetic feelings that go with the emotions.

Let's again use anger as an example. I would have my loved one describe the physical sensation of anger. “Is it heat in the face, tight chest, clenched fists, or something else?” After they explain how it feels physically, then we tap on that. When we relieve the physical sensation associated with the emotion, we are doing work on the emotion as well.

After doing a few rounds of tapping on the physical sensation, I would check to see if the emotion is still anger or if it is something else. After having them name the emotion I would now have them describe how it feels in the body. We would then tap on this.

By taking this approach we do not need to know any of the specifics.

Don't assume you know why something is the way it is (ask more questions than normal)
The most important tool I have when working with clients is the ability to ask questions. When I ask questions I get my client to describe things in their own words. This not only gives me greater understanding, but it also gives me phrases and words to tap on. Because they are the client's words I know they are going to resonate with them and bring healing more quickly.

Asking questions is even more important when we are working with loved ones because we know them and we are already familiar with the history of the issue(s) we are tapping on, and so if we do not ask questions our preconceived notions about why things are the way they are will tend to get in the way. I have found it is best to ask even more questions when working with loved ones. I even ask questions to which I think the answer is obvious. By doing this I am going to insure I am truly understanding where my loved one is coming from. The more they describe, the less of me that is going to be getting in the way of the tapping.

It's OK if you are not the right person
The last thing to keep in mind is it is OK if you are not the person that works with them. Sometimes we are just too close to a loved one and to what is going on in their life to be helpful. If you are too close, admit it. Let your loved one know that tapping is a great tool that would help them and then direct them to resources and practitioners you trust. This will enable you to be the loving friend without also having to be the one who is responsible for leading the healing. Sometimes we really can't be both. That is OK!

Trying On The Old Positive Feeling

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Things in my life have gone all pear-shaped lately. About three years ago life was just going great then everything seemed to fall apart. I started to have health issues, I ended a long-term relationship, and I just didn't have the same energy when I got up in the morning. Is there a way that I can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to make my way back to feeling good?


photo by Maria Morr

I love synchronicity in life. I received this e-mail the same day I worked with a client for a very similar issue. The client call was with “Betty.” Betty wanted to do some work because physically she was exhausted all the time and life seemed like a real chore.

At the beginning of our call Betty shared that in the last six years she has had two loved ones die, she had gained weight, and she was feeling very disconnected at work from a job she used to enjoy.

To start with we spent some time with her emotional state and how she felt in the immediate moment. I have found when working with an issue that is multifaceted it is best to start with how we feel about all the issues and how all the issues are affecting our lives today.

I do this because it can be hard to focus on any one aspect of the issues when we feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done. I have found if we take just a few rounds of tapping to deal with the current emotional state that we will have much more clarity around the larger issues that need our attention.

Betty and I spent about 15 minutes just working with how overwhelming it felt to be dealing with so many issues. We also spent some time with how overwhelming life felt because of the lack of energy she was feeling. After doing this work she was much more at peace. Life wasn't perfect, but she was ready for the next step.

Without being asked she started talking about what life was like six years ago. She talked about how she just felt like she had a “spark” back then and that she really wanted to feel and experience that spark again. Her goal was not to somehow achieve an issue-free life, but instead she really just wanted have energy for life again.

I had her start tapping again and asked her to take a few deep breathes. I asked if she could tune-in to the feeling she felt six years ago when she felt the “spark.” After a few seconds she said, “Yes” and I could hear a little more energy in her voice.

I asked her, figuratively speaking, to “try on” the old feeling of that spark, energy, and zest for life as if it was a new outfit that she was trying on at a store. She said, “That feels really good.” I then followed up by asking, “What doesn't fit quite right? Is it too small, too big, or does it feel uncomfortable in any way?”

Betty then described that it didn't fit right because some of the relationships at work had changed. A good friend had been promoted and she felt it would change their relationship. We then did some tapping around that issue. Very quickly she was at peace around this relationship.

Again, I had her “try on” the outfit of feeling that old spark for life. It felt even better, but this time she was worried because of her health. She was afraid that she wasn't going to be able to do as much at work as she did before. Since she was doing less work she was concerned that it was going to be less enjoyable. We spent some time tapping around having balance at work and not doing too much. We also did some tapping around the idea that good work is judged by the quality of work, how we are challenged, and being able to contribute. Good work is not judged by the quantity of work that is done.

We repeated this process three or four more times. Each time Betty tried the outfit of spark on again. We found the parts that didn't fit right. By doing this each time the feeling of spark became more and more possible.

Obviously this isn't going to work in every satiation but if you are struggling to find a place to start tapping think about how it would feel to be back to your old self. Try that feeling on. Doing this will help you to find the parts that don't “fit” right and are a little off which, in turn, will give you a great place to start tapping.

When Excited Clients Disappear

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Recently I had three clients that I had great first sessions with. We did amazing work. They were excited. One of them was even talking about how she was also going to get her husband to come see me for a session. Now they are gone. I have tried e-mailing and calling all three of them and I have heard nothing back. Did I do something wrong?

photo by Wisconsin Historical Images

There are certainly things that we can do to undermine our client's confidence and there are times where we are not the right fit for a client. When this happens to me I generally have a sense of this during the session. Much of the time I can tell when a client isn't engaged in the process or if we are just not clicking. (NOte: Just because Emotional Freedom Techniques is right for a situation does not mean that I am the right practitioner).

With that being said there are going to be times when we click with a client and they still just disappear. There is no way that we can know for sure why this happens, but here are some of the common reasons for excited clients not coming back.

Talked Out Of It
I know that when I have something exciting happen to me I share it with my friends and family. I want them to share in my excitement and maybe they will also enjoy whatever I am excited about. After a great tapping session your clients are going to tell their friends and loved ones about what just happened. They are going to talk about how weird it was, how quick it was, and how effective it was. This is great because it spreads the word about tapping far and wide. I have lots of clients who are referrals from past and present clients.

The problem comes in the response of your clients' friends and loved ones. I have heard stories from lot of clients about how much resistance the people in their lives have to tapping. Often times our clients are very new to tapping and are not accustomed to talking about tapping. Because of this they are not confident about talking about tapping with others. When this happens they can be talked out of coming back by their skeptical friends and loved ones.

Life Gets Busy
This is just a fact of life for all of us. Our days seem to get fuller and fuller. Because of the busyness of life a client doesn't get right back to us and so they may feel embarrassed about having lost touch for a bit. This embarrassment makes them uncomfortable about e-mailing or calling us back after we have left two or three messages. Also, because of the busyness of client's lives they don't get around to doing the homework we have assigned them. It is embarrassing to commit to something and not living up to your word. They often feel like they have let us down and therefore do not want to face us.

Scared of What They Have or Will Uncover
When we work with clients we can easily and gently lead them to root causes of issues. Many times they have no idea about the number of limiting beliefs they have, how these beliefs were created, and how much control these beliefs have over their daily lives. The work we do with them is wonderful and a revelation.

Then they go home. I imagine it happens something like this. They are lying in bed getting ready to fall asleep. They are reviewing everything that happened during the day and their thoughts go something like this:

“Oh that was a good day . . . how cool it was to do that tapping thing . . . I can't believe that Gene was able to help me so quickly . . . who knew that what happened to me when I was six would have such an effect on me today? . . . I wonder what else is lurking around in there . . . I wonder if Gene is going to be able to help me as easily with new issues that come up . . . I wonder if it is always that easy . . . maybe the next time it isn't going to be as easy . . . maybe next time we are going to find something bigger . . . maybe next time we are going to uncover something Gene doesn't know how to deal with . . . I wonder what Gene thought about today's session . . . I bet he is telling his friends about this weird client who had this small thing that happened when they were six and how it crippled them today.”

And the next thing we know a part of the client believes a tapping session is unsafe. I can speak from experience: The path of self-discovery can be a bit scary. It becomes especially scary when we stumble onto knowledge about our past, our hidden issues, and other unpleasant aspects of ourselves unexpectedly. Sometimes a very successful session can be too much in the moment. Because of this they choose not to come back for fear of what is next.

The Take Away and What We Can Do
Once I started to realize some of the reasons that good clients don't come back I gained a few insights.

First, it isn't about me. There are lots of reasons for a client not to come back for a second session. It is good for me as a practitioner to evaluate why a client might not come back for a second session, but there are reasons outside my control that affect that decision.

Secondly, the fact that they did one session is a really good thing. The fact that they took one hour to do some change work and learned more about tapping is a good thing. Besides, while change was happening during the session, seeds were sown that will bear fruit in the future even if it is months or years before they tap with a practitioner again.

Finally, this provides a good opportunity to do some work on ourselves and to do some surrogate tapping for our clients. Whenever we start to question why clients aren't coming back it will likely bring up some emotional charge in us about how good we are at our job. We can let these feelings fester or we can do some work for ourselves.

In addition to tapping for ourselves we can tap for our clients as well. At the end of each session, after I have hung up the phone, I take just a few moments to tap for my clients. I tap with the intention that they will continue to heal, that they will find people in their lives who will support their healing process, and that they will have the courage to continue down the healing path. I am not sure if this has much effect on them, but I know it helps me to be more at peace with whatever step comes next for the client and myself.

Round Up – What is something you have changed your mind about when it comes to healing, working with clients, or your own transformation process?

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There is a wealth of information in the tapping community. From time to time I ask practitioners I respect their thoughts on tapping, healing, and their work. (I “round up” their opinions.) This happens about once a month. You can read past round-ups.

If you would like to check out my answer to this question (and more) you can download “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto“. (For free w/o having to sign up for anything.)

What is something you have changed your mind about when it comes to healing, working with clients, or your own transformation process?

I not longer believe in the one-minute wonder. Looking at my own transformation I can see that it was a life-long endeavor. If a person makes a seemingly instantaneous pivot, it is because they had already done the inner preparation. More likely, people seek aid when they truly believe they are stuck. They hear about the one-minute wonder and look for that magic bullet that will save them the inner transformation process. When they don't get it, some people can become disappointed. Most however, realize that it is worth the effort.
Chip Engelmann

Try to force change with affirmations doesn't work: No one likes to be told what to do. Trying to force change by tapping in positive affirmation usually results in more resistance to change. Instead, I would rather tapping on the resistance and barriers to change and then test if the affirmation feels real rather than trying to beat it in to me.

This also applies to the more extreme forms of personal change where the consequence of not changing are magnified to cause you so much pain that your system cannot stay there and instead you must go to a different place.

There are much more gentle ways to make change with out the fear, drama, and intensity.
Rod Sherwin

I used to believe that everyone wants to heal as quickly as possible, butthat just isn't true. The blocks and reversals that go along with chronic conditions stand in the way of full alignment between the subconscious and conscious choice to heal quickly.
Alina Frank

I used to work from a very “now”, place with therapy, working with strategies and cognitions. Then I found great benefit in working with the feelings and regressing back to the deep past and helping people change their perceptions. However now I am drawn to working in the “now” and looking for ways that the mind/ body can heal itself.

So for me, my transformation process has been all about how can we bring about deep healing in the most simple and effective way. It makes sense to me that the mind/ body system would have an auto heal, a reset button. Our role as therapists is to find this process.
Tania A Prince

When I first started working with clients, I was very intent on being totally present and very observant. I think I was afraid I would miss some all-important signals, and therefore shortchange my clients.

Over time I came to realize that the more relaxed I am, the more easily I can tune in to the client's needs and my own intuition. Then I can be of service at the highest level possible and participate in the healing process more fully. The more relaxed I am, the more relaxed and trusting my clients are, enabling them to open up faster, go deeper, and speed up their own healing process. Who knew that could all come from me relaxing more?
Janet Hilts

I used to think that the whole tapping process should always be free of charge, after all, no high cost tools are involved and no additional degrees are needed to be a fairly efficient tapper.

Some how while I thought that way, none of my clients really made any progress. It was at about the $60 threshold that they began to feel the improvements, mind shifting, etc,.. Now at about $120 per session, I am inundated with one or two session miracles where before I was taking on similar issues with 4 to 7 sessions. Did I do anything different? Maybe, but I am still the same old enthusiastic and humorous tapper that I ever was.
Till Schilling

I used to believe that it was possible to heal without experiencing any pain, and if we were intentional about our healing and growth process, we could grow without discomfort. I no longer believe that – instead, I think that discomfort shows us where we need to heal, and gives us opportunities. We can remove discomfort and pain (that's what healing is all about, both emotional and physical) but we don't grow if we never experience it.
Pamela Bruner

How would you answer this questions? Let us know!

Writing Articles To Build Your Practice – Part 3: Picking a Topic and Starting

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I know creating free content is a great way to show your competence and experience as a practitioner. You create so much stuff for your site and other sites. I would love to start to write stuff about tapping but don't know where to begin. How do you come up with ideas, and what is your process for writing?

photo by Gene Wilburn

In part 1 of this series we looked at what to keep in mind before starting. In part 2 we looked at the types of articles you can write. Now let's take a look at picking a topic and what you can do to make the writing process easier.

[All three parts of this series can be found @ content creation series]

Coming Up With Topics
Earlier I talked about ways of coming up with content for Q and A articles. Here is a more comprehensive list of the places I get ideas for all types of articles:

    Questions from readers: The first time I had an article published in Gary's newsletter I received 20 questions from his readers. Not all of them were enough to write full articles about, but I got some great ideas from their questions. Also, just because it comes to you as a question doesn't mean it has to be a question-and-answer type article. You can use the question to generate the idea for a regular article.

    Things that come up from client sessions: Almost every client session I have ever done sparked the idea for an article or tapping script. This doesn't mean that I want to write about all of them, but it provides real-world examples of what you could write about.

    Things I learn in my own tapping: I have found it much harder to come up with ideas from my own tapping because as I am tapping I am tuning-in to my issues and not thinking about content. With that being said, some of my best ideas have come from my own healing journey.

    Other sources of self-help material: Look at Anne Landers' web site. Read articles and comments on other self-help websites. Read self-help forums (not just tapping-based ones). People are going to forums looking for advice. Whenever people are seeking help ask yourself, “How would I help this person with tapping?” I came up with 25 tapping scripts from the ideas found in the comments section of a blog that asked, “Why is it hard to love yourself?” The same is true for self-help sections of bookstores. Just look at the titles. Read the titles. Write a tapping article on the same subjects.

    I ask my readers what they want to know more about I did a readers survey in March and just asked them what topics they wanted covered. I ended up with a list 30 deep of topics.

    Offer to tap for people: Every day I spend some time tapping for my readers’ needs. Each week I asked for surrogate tapping requests in my newsletter. Again, real world issues that I could write about.

When you start to think in terms of “Where are the topics I could write about?” you start to notice them everywhere. I carry a small notebook with one page dedicated to possible topics. When an idea comes, I jot it down. Then when I sit down to write I get the list out and see what is striking my fancy on that day.

Knowing when it is okay to move on
Just because you start writing something doesn't mean you need to finish writing it. That seems obvious, but it can be really easy to get wrapped-up in the idea that we have already spent so much time on this piece that we can't quit. We think, “If I give up on this piece I will have wasted time that could have been used for other things. I must make this effort worthwhile by finishing this.”

First, in my mind, spending time working on a new idea is never a waste of time. The process of working with a new idea makes me better at writing as well as better at explaining things to clients. Sometimes the only fruit of a writing session is I now know that this is not the way I want to explain this topic.

Second, not everything needs to be shared. The article you are reading was started during a writing session when I was working on something completely different. I really thought it was going to be a good idea. (It was going to be an article inspired by this Joey Roth print which hangs in my office.)

After about 20 minutes it was obvious that it wasn't going to work. As I was coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't going to work, the idea of this article popped into my mind. Sometimes a false start will lead us to a topic we wouldn't have found otherwise.

Third, just because it isn't working today doesn't mean it is not going to work. I have a whole folder filled with nothing more than started and half-finished articles. Every few weeks I sift through them. Sometimes I pick something up from the past because I have a new insight, sometimes I am inspired to write something new based on the false start, and sometimes I just think, “Yeah, there is a reason this never got finished.”

Don't feel like you need to finish everything you start in this writing session. Be easy with yourself, considering that this is not a linear process.

Create A Writing Schedule
I have time set aside every day to write. This is one of the few nonnegotiable tasks in my day. It might happen at a time it was not planned, but it will happen. I know I write better when I do it regularly and I am more likely to end up with work I am happy with if I am constantly working at it.

I am not saying that you need to write every day. If you are just starting out that might be too much. Even if you are just going to spend 45 minutes once a week writing, that is a perfect start. It is going to get you in the habit of doing it. By making it a habit you are saying it is important.

There are two choices that have transformed my website the most in the last three years. One of them is a regular writing schedule.

Get Feedback From People You Trust
Writing articles is something you are going to get better at over time IF you are willing to get better at it. After you have written a few things let some friends or trusted colleagues take a look at your work. When you do this, ask them for some very specific feedback.

Here are the normal questions I ask people who are reviewing my work:

  • Does the article make logical sense?
  • Is any of it too long or too short?
  • What is the strength of the article?
  • What could use improvement?

By asking very specific questions you are going to ensure you get the feedback that is most helpful to you in the process of getting better at writing stuff.

I always love reading other people’s stuff. If you would like some feedback on something you have written let me know.

Do something now!
Writing isn't something that happens on its own. It is something you have to do.

It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be complete. It doesn't even need to end up as something that others see.

But you should write something.

It will get you closer to a great finished product that will make someone else’s life and healing journey easier.

Speaking The Truth

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I have to have a very difficult conversation with my boyfriend. It is something that I have needed to do for a really long time, but I can't bring myself to do it because I am so scared. What can I do tapping-wise to make this easier?

photo by Anders Adermark

Speaking the truth can be a hard thing to do. Sometimes we are worried that we are going to hurt someone else with our words. Other times we are worried that they are going to be mad at us. These feelings are natural because we want to keep others safe and we want to keep ourselves safe.

Here are three of the things you can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping on before you talk to your friend to make it easier. Before each round of tapping, check to see how much of a concern each of these three areas are. If you haven't cleared the worry, do the tapping again.

Tapping to ease your nerves:

The conversation that I am going to have might be hard . . . I am going to have to say things that the other person might not want to hear . . . I am going to be saying things that are going to be hard to say . . . I choose to know that I need to have this conversation . . . I have been carrying this around for a long time . . . it is a burden that I need to let go of so I can heal and grow . . . to become who I truly am . . . even though it is going to be hard . . . by saying what needs to be said . . . I am going to get my thoughts and feelings out . . . the person I need to talk to will know where I truly stand . . . this will make moving forward an easier task

Tapping to communicate well:

One of the reasons this might be hard is that I don't know the exact right words to say . . . or how to say what needs to be said . . . there are moments where it feels like I have a million things that need to be said all at once . . . while other times I have no idea what needs to be said at all . . . it is okay that I don't know exactly what I need to say . . . I am going to give the other person a chance to ask questions . . . I am going to give the other person a chance to say how they understand what I just said . . . give me a chance to clarify anything that is misunderstood . . . this is not a speech that needs to be just right . . . but a conversation that has give-and-take in it . . . it is okay if I prepare notes before the conversation . . . I can even bring my notes for when we talk . . . so I make sure I share everything I need to share . . . the way I say it doesn't have to be perfect . . . what is important is that I am understood . . . and I understand where they are coming from . . . it will be a conversation . . . and that is good

Tapping to speak from only a place of love and kindness:

It is important that I share the truth . . . but it is possible for me to share the truth in a compassionate way . . . this does not mean that I am softening what I am going to say . . . or that I am holding back what needs to be said . . . but it is possible to say things in a compassionate way that is still truthful . . . I can consider how I would like to hear this type of truth from a friend . . . I am not responsible for how they react to the truth . . . their emotional state is their choice and their responsibility . . . but I can share what needs to be shared in the spirit of love . . . of loving myself . . . and loving others.

Writing Articles To Build Your Practice – Part 2: Types of Articles

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I know creating free content is a great way to show your competence and experience as a practitioner. You create so much stuff for your site and other sites. I would love to start to write stuff about tapping but don't know where to begin. How do you come up with ideas, and what is your process for writing?


photo by churl

In part 1 of this series we looked at things to keep in mind before starting. Now that you are a little more comfortable with knowing you don't have to do everything all at once, let's take a look at the different types of articles you can write.

[Once published all three parts of this series can be found @ content creation series]

Here is an incomplete list of the types of articles you could write.

Question and Answer
I obviously have a soft spot for this type of article because it is where I got my writing start when it comes to the topic of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping.

The reason this is a great place to start is because you are already doing this. When you talk about tapping, people are asking you questions. You are better at answering questions than you think.

There are a number of advantages to a Q and A article.

First, it helps you to focus. When we are answering a question, the agenda and direction of the article is set for us. We are just filling in the gaps of the missing information.

Second, the reader knows where it is going. When we start with a question it becomes very clear what the goal of the article is and a reader knows if it is for them or not.

Third, it is easier to begin. Often times I have a hard time writing the opening paragraph or two of an article. I know what the meat of the article is going to be, but I don't know how to get there. When you start with a question you don't have to spend a great deal of time getting to the topic. You can just start with the information you know.

There are a number of ways to come up with questions:

  • What questions do you get the most frequently from people you are talking about tapping with? If you are getting the question a lot, then you know there is interest in the topic.
  • What questions did you have about tapping? Explain what you learned. Telling our own story is a great way to get into explaining something.
  • Is there a topic you want to write about but don't know where to begin? Come up with a question that focuses you. Forty percent (40%) of the Q and A articles on this site are questions I make up just to focus my writing.
  • Look at the forums and comment sections of other websites. Even if those aren't questions that have been posed directly to you, they obviously are questions that people have. Visit the EFT forum and in 10 minutes you will find four or five topics that you could write about.

Response Articles
Another very easy way to start writing is to respond to what someone else had written. You can either respond to an article as a whole or you can break it down into parts to explain how you see the issue.

For example, in The Growing Up Method I took a three-step process created by Natalie Hill and gave my take on each of the three steps. My goal was to take something that I thought was really well explained and add my own insights to what she presented.

In Past, Present, Future Daimon Sweeny writes a very nice reflection on a very short podcast I recorded. I'm sure his process was nothing more than, “Hey this is kind of interesting, but I also think this…”

Case Studies
A case study is nothing more than explaining

  • What issue a client or friend came to you with
  • How you responded
  • Why you did what you did
  • What the results were

This is one of the easiest types of articles because you are just retelling what happened.

Here is a shorter and longer examples of this type of article.

Tapping Scripts
Everyone loves tapping scripts. One of the most overwhelming parts of tapping for beginners is knowing what to say when they are tapping. Not only are you making it easier for someone to work with their issue when you create a tapping script for them, but you are also training them to do this on their own.

When we are working with clients the words just seem to come. Right after a session, take a few moments to write down some of the tapping scripts you just used. I have gotten to the point where I can write a script in under 10 minutes.

Even if you have nothing else on your site, a new tapping script once a week will be very valuable to readers that will keep them coming back for more.

Conclusion
So, these are just a few types of articles you can write. In Part 3 we are going to look at starting the writing process.

Round up – What lessons have you learned about healing from a client?

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There is a wealth of information in the tapping community. From time to time I ask practitioners I respect their thoughts on tapping, healing, and their work. (I “round up” their opinions.) This happens about once a month. You can read past round-ups.

If you would like to check out my answer to this question (and more) you can download “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto“. (For free w/o having to sign up for anything.)

What lessons have you learned about healing from a client?

Especially when using Emotional Freedom Technique, I have learned that the real issue isn't always what the conscious mind thinks it is. A client will often present themselves in my office and tell me all about “their issue” only to later discover that its really something quite different than what they thought. I have come to realize that the conscious mind often has little idea of what's going on within the subconscious mind, which is where the actual issues reside.
Ted Robinson

I learn lessons from my clients all the time. The best ones are about new ways of seeing things. When I hear what their limiting beliefs are, it gives me new insight into helping others. The most important thing that I've learned from working with clients over and over is not to judge where we start, just to go with it. This for me is the core of energy work.
Pamela Bruner

Over the years I have had a few clients that completed the healing process only after I suggested they acknowledge that I am not their “healer”. They had gotten to a plateau and only after we worked on their ability to recognize that it was their own bodies that were doing the healing did they finish the process. The part of EFT that is so empowering is that much can be done on one's own.
Alina Frank

I have learnt that rapport is key. When a client feels accepted and connected for who they are, great healing occurs.
Tania A Prince

I've learned much from working with EFT with children with cancer. Mostly how one can shift anything, from fear of needles to intense unsupportable pain, in a short period of time. That much laughter is involved in our sessions that makes the whole process more fun. For me, the time to suffer is over and that healing can be and is fun.

What I wasn't expecting to learn, but these children taught me, is that sometimes the healing takes place but the body does not follow suit and get better. In fact, these children passed on, but with such a deep sense of love, joy and peace in their hearts. That was the healing. The children reaffirmed that life is in the moment and it is to be savored. Love yourself, others and life now.
Deborah D Miller

I've learned so many lessons from clients. A big one I've learned from many clients is that we can never predict the far-reaching good consequences of healing one issue. I worked with a 62-year-old who was almost illiterate, clearing the shame and anxiety that had blocked her from learning despite repeated attempts through the years. I got a call from her saying, “I feel like a grown-up for the first time in my life. Do you know how good that feels? I never realized that I had always felt like a little kid because I couldn't read.” She said she trusts her judgment much more now because she feels like an adult. What a gift! And nobody could have predicted that outcome from working on inability to read.
Janet Hilts

Sometimes you need the courage to cry: I had been working with a client who had suffered emotional abuse from an OCD parent through all their schooling years. Everyday they would put on a brave face to cope with school and the scorn and judgment of teachers and students.

After a number of tapping session, the control required to get through each day was slipping but the old habit of holding on to the mask was still strong. Eventually, as we tapped on the fear of letting go and the courage it had taken to survive all those years the release of tension and shame resulted in a much-needed release of tears and stress from their whole body.

It takes great courage to let go and cry and we can help ourselves and others the courage required to do so within themselves.
Rod Sherwin

I used to think that anybody that said they wanted to heal would benefit from energy healing, but to heal, you must really be ready.

I've helped people who are skeptics or reluctant to use energy healing, but it doesn't matter, they didn't have to believe in the energy healing they just needed to be ready and willing to heal and I have helped them to heal and move on (often making rapid transformations in their lives). I've also helped others who believe it will work BUT it doesn't work for them, because they are not ready. You can't truly heal unless you are ready to let go – that is the one thing that is non-negotiable.
Mel

Perseverance.

A client comes to me after about a years worth of running from one doctor to another seeking relief for his Tinnitus. Researching on the Web he finds EFT and applies it immediately. Partial relief is obtained, but still no end of his Tinnitus in sight. So he digs deeper and finds out more about EFT on his own. After 4 months and no additional relief, he decided to consult a practitioner.

After 2 EFT sessions his Tinnitus has disappeared, the emotional link to his Mothers death via an accident where hindsight always is 20/20 is realized and a deep sigh brings relief of his Tinnitus.

What was admirable, was that this was a humble man from the countryside with barely an 7th grade education and scarce means to afford a practitioner. His desire to get rig of his Tinnitus made him go the distance and learn the basics about tapping for many other issues now as well.
Till Schilling

How would you answer this questions? Let us know!

Why Work With A Practitioner and What Characteristics To Look For

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Gene, You have so many great resources on your web site. Aren't you worried you are going to put yourself out of business? Why would someone hire you (or any practitioner for that matter) when they can get so many free resources online at your site and other sites like EFT Universe?

photo by msspider66

This is a question I get quite a bit. But I think it has the exact opposite effect. I think there are four reasons why someone would work with a practitioner and I believe my web presence only helps me when it comes time for someone to pick a practitioner because I hope I am demonstrating these qualities.

Here are the four reasons why I work a practitioner (because I go to someone for my own work):

Expertise
There is more to Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping than just knowing the tapping points and the set up phrases. The basic recipe is a great place to start and for most people it is the only tapping tool they are going to need. But there are going to be times when the basic recipe is not enough to quickly knock out an issue.

For example, tapping is great for dealing with cravings, but it might take a very long time to knock out the root cause of the craving by only tapping on the symptom – the craving itself. Because of the training a qualified practitioner has, they are going to be able to cut to the quick on an issue like this. They are more than likely going to knock out the issue in just one session.

I think Gary Craig's assertion that the basic recipe is enough to take care of any issue is correct but for some issues there are much faster ways of healing. By working with a skilled practitioner their expertise is going to speed-up the healing process.

Experience
One of the benefits of working with an experienced practitioner is knowing that they have been down this road before and they are not going to be surprised by the possible outcomes.

I can remember the first time with a tapping client where there was a very unexpected jump. We were doing some work on a craving and all of a sudden we were talking about a very traumatic event from the client's childhood. Even though this jump was something that was unexpected, because of the training and experience I had with age regression from my hypnosis training it didn't catch me off guard.

An experienced practitioner is going be able to work with many different issues and know how to deal with something that is unexpected. In addition to begin able to work with the unexpected they are also going to be able to know when they are in over their head. I think knowing when you are not qualified to work with something is a very important skill to have. Experience doesn't guarantee that a practitioner has learned this skill, but they are more likely to understand this point of view.

Distance
One of the great skills that any practitioner has isn't really a skill at all. The simple fact that they are not caught-up in the client’s emotions means that the practitioner is going to see the situation much more clearly.

This is the reason we go to our friends for advice. Sometimes we even seek advice from friends in areas that we know more than they do, but we know that their outside point of view is going to see things we can't. I have had client sessions where I was able to help a client heal and transform with one simple observation.

I was recently working with a client who has been dealing with Lyme disease for a number of years. While tapping on how his body was dealing with it I suggested, “Maybe the system is trying as hard as it can and it is just really tired. That is why it is not being as successful as it could be.”

He said, “Wow! That is a completely new way of looking at this. I have been so mad at my body for not doing better. It never crossed my mind that it was really trying hard and that I need to support its work. I need to stop beating it up.”

The interesting thing about this exchange was that right before I made my observation he had described his body as being like a damp, rung-out rag. I just took his metaphor and said it back to him in new words. My distance from the situation provided the insight.

There is a second way that distance server a good practitioner. When working with someone else, it frees you from having to think about how to deal with an issue and actually deal with the issue at the same time. This came to my attention with a recent client.

To start a tapping session we did a simple exercise that I like to call “clearing the decks.” It is a very simple few rounds of tapping where we tune-in to the whole constellation of emotions they are feeling in the moment, we thank the emotions for doing their job, and we let them know they have been heard. By doing this we end up with a much clearer mind with which to tune-in to the issue we want to work on.

After a few minutes of tapping I asked my client how she felt. She replied, “I feel much more clam. I try to do that exercise all the time, but I can't seem to get the same effect. When you lead me through that, I can just tap and not give it any thought. It is much easier to relax when that is the case.”

It is so much easier to focus on one thing. When working with someone else we don't have to worry about how we are going to deal with an issue. We can just sit back, tap along, and let the practitioner guide us.

Accountability Structure
If there weren't such a thing as resistance we would have already made the change. Resistance is a fact of life. There are lots of reasons why we don't do the tapping we need to do or why we don't do it as completely as we could. It can be scary to do the work on our own. It can be uncomfortable to tune-in to negative emotions. There are a million other things that we feel we need to do with our time.

By working with someone else we are creating an accountably structure to increase our progress. First, when we are working with someone else they can help us to push-through the resistance. We are more likely to do our daily tapping when we know we are going to have to report to someone else in our next sessions. A good practitioner is going to push us (gently) to look at aspects we wouldn't be brave enough to look at on our own. Finally, a skilled practitioner is going to keep looping back over the same issue again and again to make sure we have taken care of all of the aspects when we might stop work a little sooner on our own.

Not For Everyone and Not For Every Issue
One of the reasons I love tapping is because it puts an amazing tool at everyone's disposal. There are going to be times when we all need (myself included) to reach out to a skilled professional to help us move through an issue quickly and safely.

Writing Articles To Build Your Practice – Part 1: Before You Start

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I know creating free content is a great way to show your competence and experience as a practitioner. You create so much stuff for your site and other sites. I would love to start to write stuff about tapping but don't know where to begin. How do you come up with ideas, and what is your process for writing?

photo by churl

Before we get too far into answering this question, I want to make one thing very clear. You don't need to create as much content as I do. When it comes to content creation I am extreme. Some weeks I spend as much as 15 hours on content creation between the free resources I provide on this site and products I sell in the on-line store.

I create free content for three reasons (in no particular order):

  • It is a great way to build my reputation as a trusted expert. The more quality material I create the more proof I am providing that I can be trusted with client's time, money, and issues.
  • I learn something in the process. Many times when I think I am dashing-off a quick e-mail in response to a reader's question it turns into a 750 word article. When I am done writing I think, “Wow, I didn't realize I believed that?!?” I have found explaining what I know is a great way to learn new ideas and gain mastery over the knowledge.
  • I really enjoy it. Explaining difficult concepts in simple ways is something I enjoy. There are days when writing feels like a chore, but most days I love the process.

Some of my favorite Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping writers only create new content a few times a year. You don't need to write as much as I do for you to get some or all of the benefits listed above.

The goal is to get started. In the first year of this web site I wrote less than 20 articles (less than two a month). At the time it didn't seem like a lot, but if someone visited my site for the first time after that first year it looked like a more comprehensive site.

If you do a little bit every now and then you are going to be surprised (in a very pleasant way) with what you end up with.

We are going to look at this process in three parts. First, we are going to look at what to keep in mind when you are starting. Second, we are going to look at the different types of articles you can write. I have found it much easier to start when I have a more defined form or type of article to work within. Finally, we will look at how to pick a topic and how to start.

[Once published all three parts of this series can be found @ content creation series]

Getting started can be the hardest part. There are few things more intimidating than a blank page. There are endless possibilities but you don't know where start. Here a few things to keep mind.

It's called a first draft for a reason
We know what the finished product is supposed to look like. Even if we don't know what we are going to say we know the look, feel, and quality of a finished piece. When we start we don't have a finished product.

That's okay.

Your first draft is going to be rough. Things aren't going to be in the right order. You aren't going to explain things the way you’d like. You might not even know where you are going to end.

Sometimes the only thing that comes from a writing session is knowing how you are not going to explain something. The only way you are going to get to the finished product is to get the rough draft out of the way.

One of my favorite tricks is to turn off my monitor and just to start typing the article. This prevents me from being over-critical and going back to edit things while writing. By just letting it flow to begin with I can get the ideas out and then come back to polish it.

You don't need to explain everything all at once
One of the biggest mistakes writers make is trying to do too much in one article. Remember, the article you are working on right now is just one article. You don't need to do it all at once. The first article I ever wrote about Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping wasn't about tapping at all. My first article was how to make tapping a part of your everyday routine.

I didn't talk about the tapping points. I didn't talk about psychological reversal. I didn't talk about the movie technique or the palace of possibilities. I chose a very narrow topic and explained it completely. When I try to do too much in a single article I end up not explaining anything very well. It's okay (and preferable) to choose a narrow topic.

If you are looking for a great example of effective short blog posts check out Seth Godin's blog. His entries are regularly less than 300 words.

Not everything is going to be great
Not every article you are going to write is going to be perfect. Not every article you write is going to be great. Not every idea you have is going to be earth-shattering.

That is okay.

Not every episode of The Simpsons is great. Not every movie directed by Spielberg is perfect. Not every resource on this site is amazing. (I know, it is hard to believe!).

This doesn't mean that we don't strive for excellence in our work, and this doesn't mean that we are satisfied with sharing crap. (There are articles that I have written that you will never see.)

One of the reasons I write articles is to get better at writing articles. From time to time I go back to re-read some of my earlier articles. It becomes (painfully) obvious how much better I am today at explaining things to my readers. Not only am I a better writer, but I know more because of my previous writings.

Not everything is going to be for everyone
Everything we write isn't going to perfect for everyone. When I write something I know that all six billion people of the world aren't going to read it, much less learn something from it.

When I started this site I was responding to an e-mail question I received. My thought was, “Instead of answering this question for one person, wouldn't it be cool if twenty five people read my response.”

There are times that I write things for a more general audience while other times I am writing for a much more specific audience. Take this article for example. Less than 15% of my readership is composed of actual EFT practitioners. I am okay knowing that the vast majority of the people who visit my site are not going to read these words.

If you write about a topic well, the right people are going to find their way to the article.

Even if you are writing something that has been written a hundred times before it doesn't mean the person who is reading it has read it before. You have access to people whom I will never have access to. Not only are you a unique voice in sharing information, you have unique avenues through which to share it.

Just know that you don't need to be all things to all people.

Conclusion
Now you know a few things to keep in mind before you start. In part 2 we will look at the types of articles you can write.

When We Keep Making The Same Poor Choice

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Gene, I really like the concept you talk about all the time about how the system is always trying to do what is best for us. I especially like the way you describe the way a part of the system are trying to be helpful but sometimes is really causing trouble because it isn't working in the most helpful way. (I think you use the analogy of being afraid of mice. The fear is trying to keep us safe, which is good, but there is no real danger.) My question is this: How come my system knows that eating lots of ice cream isn't good for me, but I still crave (and eat) a large bowl every night after work? If my system were really trying to do what is best for it wouldn't be craving something that isn't healthy. I'm I doing something wrong or does my system have it out for me?

This is a great question. You are exactly right. The system is only going to do what is best for us. With that being said it seems odd that it would encourage us in the form of cravings to do something that was away from health and well-being especially when we know what health and well being is.

The answer can be found in understanding what to “do what is best for us” means.

The reason you are having a hard time with the craving is because the system has been put in a position of having to choose between two things that have benefits, but each of these outcomes also have some negative side effect(s). Because there is not a cut a dry best choice it makes the decision harder (and as we will see, it is very hard for the subconscious to deal with the understanding the future).

Let's look at a much simpler example of this situation to see the concept in action. Then we will apply that information to the situation that is posed in the question.

Let's pretend that it is late afternoon/early evening and you are gripped with a horrible migraine headache. This is one of those headaches that blurs your vision and makes you nauseous. If left untreated you are not going to be able to eat dinner and you are not going to sleep much tonight. (Not to mention you are in horrific pain.)

You have some medicine that can remove the all the symptoms of the pain and nausea. If you take it you are going to be able to sleep through the night, but because it takes a little time for the medicine to clear the system you are going to wake up a little groggy in the morning and you are not going to be very sharp until about lunchtime.

I don't know about you, but I am going to willing to exchange a slightly groggy morning to be pain free and nausea free right now. Even if I know I am going to be wiped out for the whole morning the next day I am going to be very temped to take the medicine. I am in pain right now and I am going to be willing to exchange that for a somewhat undefined feeling pain in the future.

The example of the ice cream given in the question has exact same situation happening. I just happens to be in a much more subtle form.

Typically when we are dealing with a craving it is because there is something that is currently undesirable going on inside of us. In most cases it is a negative emotion like anger, loneliness, and/or hopelessness. The system doesn't want to feel these emotions and it knows that there are certain foods that are going cover these emotions.

That is the reason we call some foods comfort food. Much like an aspirin provides comfort to our headache, comfort food provides relief to our undesirable emotions. In the example given in the question more than likely there is a negative emotion that is being experienced at the end of the workday and the system is just trying to comfort and mask it.

Much like the example of the migraine headache the system is trading comforting the negative emotion for the possibility of having negative health outcomes from eating ice cream every day.

With that being said there is one big difference between the decision to take the migraine medicine and the craving for comfort food. When we choose to take the migraine medicine we are making the decision with our conscious minds. We are able to choose the long-term goal over the short-term relief. It might be hard to put up with the pain, but if we have something really important the next morning we might choose to endure the pain right now so we are sharp in the morning.

The subconscious mind is not capable of this sort of understanding. To the subconscious mind the only moment is now. The subconscious doesn't understand the past or future. Since the subconscious only knows this moment it is not going to be able to consider the long-term consequences of the choice very well (if at all). In this case it only knows the pain of this moment and what it can do to comfort it.

The subconscious mind is doing “what is best for us” through the lens of it recognizes pain (the negative emotion) and it is going to do what it can to care for us (crave something that is going to mask the emotion).

That is the reason that it is so important for us to use tool like Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping to work with the underlying issues that are creating our “too much” behaviors (like craving too much ice cream).

Sure it is possible to tap every time a craving comes up to make it go away so we make a good choice in the moment, but it is much more effective if we are able to deal with the underlying issue which eliminates the lingering negative emotions. When the lingering negative emotions are gone then the system isn't going to have something to comfort and the craving will disappear.

People Who Suck Us Emotionally Dry

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There are people in my life who seem to always suck me emotionally dry. They either take all my energy or dump all their troubles on me. How do I prevent this from happing?


photo by Joriel “Joz” Jimenez

One of the things that I love about this question is the fact they used the phrase “suck me emotionally dry”. I have always referred to these type people as emotional vampires.

I love the term “emotional vampire” because the moment I use it my clients always get this wry smile. They know exactly what I am talking about.

In this article we are going to look at many different types of emotional vampires as well as what we can do to keep ourselves healthy in the face of emotional vampires.

The Naming of Vampires
This article is not a criticism of emotional vampires. I am not saying they are horrible people, mean people, or even people who are conscious of how their behavior affects other people.

We act the way we do for a number of reasons.

Emotional vampires are no different.

This article is not meant to give you fuel to be even more frustrated with the people in your life. Instead, the goal of this article is to help you to recognize the environment you are in, the people who share this environment with you, how they can effect you, and how you can navigate it in a safe way while continuing to grow and heal.

It is important for us to be able to name the emotional vampires in our lives. This is not an exercise of judgment (thought it can quickly become one). This is not an exercise meant to dwell on the negative (though it can quickly become one).

One of my main goals as a practitioner is to help my clients to become conscious observers of their own lives. When we become observers of our own lives we notice the things that push our buttons and the places that we over react. With this simple knowledge we can make radical changes to our lives. We see the problems as they come and we are able to either avoid the problem or nip it in the bud.

Much in the same way we plan our day by looking at the weather report or the traffic report we can prepare ourselves for our day by notices the experiences and people who can suck us dry.

To make sure we are entering this with the right point of view let's do a little tapping. (And yes, I want you to tap on this before you read the next section!)

It is important that I examine my life…It is important that I recognize the things in my daily life that affect my mood and my disposition…I choose to know that there are lots of reasons why people act the way the do…sometime they act because they are afraid…sometime they act because they are worried…sometime they act because they are hopeless…sometimes they act because they are lost…sometimes they act because they are overwhelmed…sometimes they act because they don' know what to do…the people I interact must take responsibility for their choices and their mood…but I choose not to judge them…it is important to understand how they effect me…it is important to know how I allow they to affect me…I am doing this exercise to make sure I am healthy and safe…I am not doing to this judge others…even if that is my natural disposition…I know that when I judge others it is because I am worried…afraid…or insecure…this is an opportunity to also do a little work on the places I would like to heal in my own life.

Types of Vampires
None of the descriptions listed here are going to be a surprise to you. In many cases you are going to be thinking of how this affects you before I get into my description. Again, the first goal is to be able to name what is affecting us. When we name it we can respond to it. Here are just a few.

    Drama Shark
    Drama Sharks are so named because of the myth that if a shark stops moving it will die. Drama Sharks will die if they are not in the middle of some type of drama somewhere. It could be drama at work, with friends, with family, or something in the news. They are constantly in the middle of something that is getting them bent out of shape. They can't stop talking about it and they are always trying to draw everyone around them into the feeding frenzy.

    Dump Truck
    Dump Trucks take their emotional baggage and unload it on everyone around them. They don't ask permission and they often have no sense of when it is appropriate to talk about emotional issues. At a moments notice they are unloading. Often times Dump Trucks feel much better in the short term because they have unloaded everything on those around them.

    Chicken Little
    We all know the common refrain of Chicken Little: “The sky is falling!” Chicken Little sees danger in every moment and around every corner. The sense of pending doom is not limited to their own life, but often times to everyone else around them as well. They often over react and almost never have solutions. They just point out what they think is wrong and this is not limited to their own lives. They are more than willing to point out what went wrong, what is going wrong, and what will go wrong in everyone else life.

    Sandbag
    A Sandbag is very much like a Chicken Little, but instead of pointing out what is wrong the Sandbag drags your dreams down by telling you all the things that can't happen. They might not know what is possible, but they certainly know what is impossible, why it is impossible, and what horrible things are going to happen if you try.

    Black Hole
    The Black Hole sucks every bit of life and joy out of any room they enter. Sometime they do this with what they say, sometimes they do it with a simple phrase, and other times their simple presents is enough to suck the joy out of the room.

This is not a compressive list by any means (add your favorite or least favorites below!), but it is a good start. Once we are able to recognize who the emotional vampires are in our lives and how they affect us then we can respond.

Before We Encounter Emotional Vampires
One of the easiest things we can do to keep ourselves healthy to simply be aware of what we are about to get ourselves into. You don't know everything that is going to happen over the course of a day, but you have a very good idea. There are emotional vampires that we interact with regularly. When we know it is coming we can do something about it.

Here is a sample tapping patter for a day when we know we are going to encounter a Drama Shark.

I know today I am going to spend time with [insert name of drama shark]…for some reason they are always in the middle of someone's business…it is as if they feed on the emotion and drama of those around them…it seems to drive them and feed them…because of their energy for the drama it is very easy to get sucked into what they are doing and talking about…just because they are so involved in the drama doesn't mean that I have to be…I can choose to ignore it…I can choose to change the topic…I can choose to excuse myself when the Drama Shark get going…just because there is drama…it doesn't mean that I have to be involved in it.

I know that tapping patter looks very simple, but just by taking 60 seconds to tap on something like that it will make a huge difference.

During Encounters With Emotional Vampires
There are two simple things you can do to take care of yourself when you are encountering an emotional vampire.

The first thing you can do is to be very conscious of what is happening and how it is affecting you in the moment. Like a said before, when we become observers of our own lives we quickly recognize what we have control over and what we don't.

When you realize you are encountering an emotional vampire you can name the type of vampire you are interacting with and name how this type of vampire normally sucks you dry. When you do this you can choose to not to be caught up in what is going on.

It is very important to be in a place where you are just naming what is happening. By this I mean you are stating the facts of what they are doing and how it is affecting you.

This could be just thoughts that are going through your head or it could be something you tap on:

Right now my co-worker is acting like a sand bag…For some reason, he is pointing out every possible thing that could go wrong with the new project…He is over stating what could go wrong and he isn't seeing anything that could right…I choose not to get caught up in his negativity.

You will notice that nowhere in this patter are we writing motive for why the person is acting like a Sandbag, nor are we saying the choices they are making are bad choices. We are simply stating what is.

When we get caught up in blame and judgment we are giving our control over to someone else and that exactly what we are trying to avoid.

The second thing we can do in the moment is to recognize that it is too bad for the emotional vampire that they are acting like an emotional vampire. This is not an act of pity, but more of a recognition why things might be the way they are. By doing this it is going to make it easier to not blame or judge the acts of an emotional vampire.

Again, this can just be thought or tapped on:

I am not sure why my co-worker is acting like an emotional vampire…they might be afraid of something…they might be worried about repeating a past poor choice…they might not know they can choose another way…I don't have to be sucked into the life of an emotional vampire…to be able to see there are many reasons for them acting the way they act.

This simple act of recognizing the possibilities of why they are acting the way they are going to free us from lots of negative emotions making it hard for us to choose the act the way we want to act.

After We Encounter Emotional Vampires
There are two things we can do after we have encountered an emotional vampire.

First, we can tap on what just happened.

Here is a sample tapping patter for being around a Black Hole:

I can't believe how negative [insert name of Black Hole] is…it is so hard to be positive when I am around them…for some reason they just seem to suck the joy out of the room…I have no idea why they are this way…I wish they weren't this way because it is hard on me and other…but I am sure it is even harder on them…it must be a good feeling to be in that place all of the time…maybe they don't realize that they don't have to choose to be that way…maybe they have forgotten what it is like to feel joyful…I choose to know that even though they are in that space that I don't have to be in that space…I choose to know that I have access to the light, life, and joy that was just sucked out of me…I can choose where I want to be emotionally…I choose to be in the place of light…I choose to be in the place of love…I choose to be in the place of joy.

Again, this doesn't look very complicated (because it is not), but it is very powerful. If you take 60 seconds to tap on something like this right after you have encountered an emotional vampire you will make sure the experience doesn't touch the rest of your day. By doing this you are prevent this one moment from cascading into something bigger.

Second, you can spend sometime tapping for the emotional vampires in your life. I am not saying that you need to tap to change them because you know what is best. What I am suggesting is that you tap for the relationships you have with the emotional vampires you have in your life. When you do this you are going to be able to produce the most profound change because you are changing what you have the most control over. You are changing your part of the relationship.

For more information about this type of tapping and some guidance on how to do it check out the free audio: It’s Not Surrogate But It Helps Others To Make Different Choices

They Don't Have To Suck You Dry
Just because there are emotional vampires out there doesn't mean you have to let them affect you in the moment or after the fact. With a little awareness, preparation, and care after the fact you can insure that you continue to be safe and healthy.

I would love to hear what other types of emotional vampires you encounter in your daily life. Please add your emotional vampires in the comment section below.

[Note: Some people are more susceptible to emotional vampires than others. If you recognize that this is something you deal with daily I would encourage you to check out the resources on sensitive temperaments.]

Taking Care Of Yourself As A Practitioner

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Gene, I always read your materials with interest and would appreciate your comment concerning energy protection. I have two questions.

First, I understand, before a practitioner starts treating clients he/she can create a protective energy layer around himself. How does this affect a practitioner as they connect with a client to muscle test or tune into what the client is experiencing? Won't this type of protection prevent the practitioner from doing their work?

Second, I understand one can “cut he cord” of energy between a practitioner and client, to stop the energy from flowing between them after the treatment. What about the energies that the practitioner has already “caught” over the course of the session?


photo by Łukasz Strachanowski

These are two really great questions. Let's look at them one at a time.

Before A Session
At the start of the day and before every session I do a number of things to take care of my heath and well-being. One of the steps I always take is much like what is described in the question, but when I do it I do it a little differently. I don't just create a force field around myself to keep myself safe. Instead I create a filter with the intention “to only let through the energy and information that is helpful and healthy to me.”

At one point in my practice I wouldn't have been able to take a step like this. I would have been worried “that by keeping out some of the information that I wouldn't be able to help my clients” and “it would be unfair to my client to keep out that information”.

As I have matured as a practitioner I have come to realize that it is not my job to “fix” everyone. It is not even my job to “fix” anyone. My job as practitioner is to use my expertise, experience, and emotional detachment from my client's situation to provide guidance as they walk down a healing path.

Coming to this realization has helped me to understand that not only am I NOT responsible for my client's healing (they are), but I am also not the right practitioner for every client. There are clients who are not health for me to work with, there are clients I am not the right person to help them, and there are clients who are not looking for help in healing, but instead are just looking for someone to validate their wounded identity.

If my willingness to make a choice to protect myself from energy and information that is harmful to me is going to prevent me from helping a client down a healing path than I am not the right practitioner for that client. Not only is it important that I do no harm to my clients, but it just as important that I do no harm to myself.

It took me a while before I could admit that I was not the right practitioner for every client. Now it is a very liberating knowing when I take care of myself and refer out the clients that are not a good fit that I am taking care of my clients and myself.

After A Session
After a session and at the end of the day I have a similar set of steps I go through to take care of myself.

First, I do what was recommended in the questions. At one point I would recommend to practitioners that they “cut the cord”. I have found that some people find this image too violent. If you are not comfortable cutting the cord you can also do what I, which is to unplug. When I do this I think about the old telephone operators who connected and disconnected calls with a series of wires.

When I do this I reach to my chest and pantomime pulling out the cord. This is less violent then cutting and it gives the sense that when I want to reconnect in the future with the client I can just plug back in.

Second, depending on the nature of the client, the number of clients I have worked with, and my general state of well being I do a number of things to clean up any extra emotion that I have picked up from my client. Here are is a short list of some of the things I do:

  • Shake my hands over an imaginary ceramic pot of poison, shaking off any and all excess that I have picked up durring the conversation.
  • Tap on the fact that it is a very high act of love to pick up burdens for another person, but is a higher act of love to let them go (which is not the same as giving them back). As I continue to tap I visualize letting go and releasing these burdens.
  • Going for a walk or jog in area with lots of trees. (the air is much cleaner than on city street)
  • Taking a salt bath (the ions are great a breaking up energy>

I would love to hear you take care of yourself before and after a session. Please add your routine to the comment section below.

8 Things To Keep In Mind When Tapping With Your Kids

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I love tapping/EFT and would love my kids to be able to tap as well. How do I introduce tapping to my kids?

I love the fact that parents can (and want to) tap with their kids. When I was home over Christmas visiting my family the year a seven year old, who we will call “T”, walked up to me with a huge grin and said, “Me and mommy still tap together every night before I go to bed.”


photo by Anguskirk

It was obvious that not only was T enjoying the benefits of tapping but she was also enjoying that special time with mom every night before bed.

Tapping with kids is very easy. Often it is easier to tap with kids than adults because they don't get hung up on how weird tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can feel when doing it.

Here are 8 things to keep in mind when introducing tapping and actually tapping with your kids.

You Don't Need To Explain What Is Going On
This might seem obvious, but kids (and most people for that matter) don't need to know why it works or how it works. They just want to feel better. Often times I just say something as simple as, “Did you know that you have buttons on your body which you can push that will help the bad feelings go away?”

I have never met a child that needed more information than that. Remember, most people care about feeling better over anything else. They are willing to do something that seems weird for the promise feeling better.

Keep It Simple
You don't need to teach them complicated set-phrases, formulas of how to describe what is going on, or all of the tapping points. I have found it best to just teach them 8 or 9 tapping points. When they are tapping I just have them “tell me what is going on and how do you feel about it?”

By simply tapping and having them tell you the story they are going to tuning in a prefect way. Children's imagination is so powerful because they are using it all the time. They are using the same imagination when they are telling you about what happened and/or why they are so upset.

Many times I think we make the mistake of having someone tell us about what is going on and then we start tapping on what they just described. Once they know how to tap, just have them start tapping as they tell you what is going on. This will immediately start to clear what ever is going on.

[Note: If you have a really upset child (esp. one that is having a hard time taking because they are so upset) then they are not going to need to say anything out loud to tune into what is going on. They are already there. Just start by tapping. As they calm down you can have them start to tell you what is going on.]

Introduce Tapping Before It Is Needed
It is best to introduce tapping before you are dealing with a major emotional melt down. When a child is having a really hard time it is difficult to get them to focus on anything, much less something new. By teaching your kids how to tap under normal circumstances will make it much easier to tap when things are emotional.

Below there you will find a recommendation on how to tap with your kids before bed. This is a great way to introduce them to tapping so that when things are more emotional they know what to do.

The Nature of Children's Emotions And How They Talk About Them
Children's emotions are much more acute than adult emotions. What I mean by this is there are less shades of grey in a child's emotions. This is not to say that their emotions are real or meaningful, but most children have many few shades of any given emotion than adult.

Also, it is import to keep in mind that talking about your emotions is a skill. Some people are very good at this, while others don't know how to talk about what they are feeling. Most children don't have a lot of experience talking about their emotions. Because of this they might not be very skilled at it.

I have found that kids are very good about talking about how they are physically feeling and these physical feelings can be a great way of tuning while tapping. I have found it is best to give them a few examples when getting them to describe what is going on.

“You said you feel angry. How dose that feel in our body? Does it make your feel hot or is there lots of energy like electricity in your chest or do you feel like you want to punch something or does it feel something like else?”

By giving them some examples you are showing them how to do it and by giving them the chance to come up with some other options you are going to tap into their amazing imagination.

SUDs Levels
The traditional SUDs level is hard to do with children because rating how big an emotion from 0 to 10 is a very abstract activity. I don't often use any sort of rating scale with kids, but when I do I just have them show me how big the emotion is just like they were showing the size of a fish. Again, I will demonstrate what I am asking.

“Is your anger this big [hands a few inches apart], this big [hands a foot apart], this big [hands a few feet apart], or this big [arms stretched out wide]?”

The base line they give us is only important in showing us progress. All we are looking for is the size to get smaller and smaller after each round of tapping. It doesn't matter if they start at three feet apart or one foot apart.

Tapping At The End Of The Day
A great way to introduce tapping to kids is to make it part of their daily routine. If it is something they are comfortable doing when they are calm it is going to be easier to do when they are emotional.

Also, tapping daily will help with their general mood, will reduce emotional over reactions, and help them to sleep better.

There is a very easy four step process you can do with your kids to end each day. When you are tucking them into bed have them start tapping. First ask them about what was good about today? You might make the question specific, “What are three good things about today?” Second, (all the time still tapping) ask them what didn't they like about today. Third, (still tapping) ask them, “If you could change one (or two) things about today what would it be?” Finally ask them (yes…still tapping), “What is something you are hoping will happen tomorrow?”

You will notice that the first and four questions are positive. By opening with a positive question are making it easier start. It can feel much safer to start with the positive than the negative. By asking what they are hoping for tomorrow you are ending the conversation on a positive note, making it easier for a restful night of sleep.

You will also notice that this is a great opportunity to know what is really going on in your child's life. When you ask a kid “How was school today?” more than likely they will just say “fine” or “good”. By asking these types of specific questions you are going to getting a better idea about what they are experiencing.

Don't Be Afraid To Share You Life
If you are choosing to tap regularly with your child (like at the end of the day) you might consider not just tapping for your child, but also tapping for yourself. By having a conversation where you are sharing what is going on in your life will provide an opportunity to continue to grow your bond.

Obviously you are not going to share everything that is going on in your life and you are not going to go into the same detail that you would if you were working with a practitioner. You don't want to be sharing anything that might scare your child. For example sharing that you were really angry with your spouse or that you are worried that you might loose your job is not going build a bond with your child, but instead scare them.

It is best to share things that they can relate to. For example feeling bad because you didn't do as good of a job as you could with something at work or around the house. This can be a great tool in building your relationship.

Tapping On Your Kids
Kids not only love the one-on-one attention of tapping with a parent, many really like it when the parent does the tapping for them. When you are tapping with a child all you need to do is ask them, “Would you like to do the tapping or have me do the tapping on you?”

(As person who grew up in Montessori schools) I find it a very good thing to give kids choices. If you notice in the question I am not asking “would you like to tap?”, but instead I am asking them how they would like the tapping to happen. I am getting them to do something they need to do, but doing it in a way where they are in control and are getting to make a choice.

Also, if you are taking some time to tap on your issues (as suggested above), don't be afraid to let your child tap on you (while making sure they don't poke you in the eye).

Conclusion
There are many great reasons to tap with your kids. They will be happy, healthier, and you are going to be giving them tools that they can use on their own. I have many clients that report that their children (even as young as 6) tap on their own. AND as an added bonus, it will give you a great opportunity to continue to build your bond with your kids.

Psychological Reversal

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One more time, what is the deal with psychological reversal and how does it relate to secondary gain?

A friend of mine was working on a writing project and she called to get my perspective on psychological reversal. Here are my reflections.

What is psychological reversal?
The entire body system and each piece of the system (such as a muscle group, organs, and individual muscle) have an electromagnetic current and frequency associated with it. It is this electromagnetic energy that manages much of the healing and growth inside they system.

For example, when we cut our finger the brain does not think over and over again, “Heal the finger. Heal the finger. Heal the finger.” until the finger is healed. Instead, the electromagnetic field around the finger changes. The body then responds to this new electromagnetic frequency in a number of ways. As white blood cells are floating by they encounter this new frequency, much like an alarm, and spring to action to create a scab to stop the bleeding. The skin cells respond to this new frequency buy building new cells to repair the wound. As the state of the wound changes the frequency will continue to change giving they parts of the system information to continue the healing until the cut is healed.

The electromagnetic frequency associated with the system (and each part of the system) has a current flow like any other current in nature. In the example of a magnet there is a north and south poles. If the current changes the directions it flow in a magnet the poles switch ends.

When we are psychologically reversed there is a reversal in the direction of the current in part or all of they system. When the current is reversed it is impossible for the system to create the frequency that will instruct the system to heal.

What is secondary gain?
Secondary gain is the name of the benefits that come from a certain issue. When secondary gain is present it is harder for us to change because we are losing the benefit from the issue.

Here are a few examples:

  • Pretend I am a smoker. As a smoker I am reasonably allowed to leave my desk every two hours for a 10 min break. If I quite smoking I will not be able to take these breaks.
  • Pretend that I am widower with adult children. I fall and hurt my hip. Now my kids are calling me each night, meals on wheels are coming by twice a day, and the pastor for my church is stopping by Sunday afternoon. If I get well I am going to lose all of this attention and be lonely once again.

As you can see in both of these examples, on a subconscious level the system is able to name something that is a gain by having this issue. For that reason the system is going to want to protect that gain by preventing the healing.

How are psychological reversal and secondary gain related?
Once the system recognized that there is gain in an issue it is going to do everything in is power to insure we don't lose that gain. The conscious mind might look at the smoking situation and think, “Yes, it is too bad that when I get better I am going to lose the attention I am currently receiving, but it is well worth it to lose the constant pain and to know that it is not going to develop into something much worse that could create long term health issues.”

The subconscious do not think in these cost benefit terms. Instead the subconscious mind thinks very simply in terms of protection. It is simply trying to protect the system from losing this newfound attention.

In this situation one of the ways the system can insure that it is going to keep getting the attention is by preventing the body from healing. A very easy tact to insure the body doesn't heal is to create psychological reversal in the area of the body that is injured, in this case the hip.

By reversing the electromagnetic field it is impossible to change frequencies to give the commands to heal. Since the system is not giving the signal to heal to wound persists. Therefore the system insures that the secondary gain of not being lonely is going to be preserved.

This is not the only reason for the system to by psychologically reversed, but to preserve secondary gain is one of the most common.

[Also, if this topic interests you please check out Podcast #25: Psychological Reversal w/ Gwenn Bonnell]

Being Able To Receive

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There are a number of goals I would like to achieve, but I feel like there is so much to do. I would like to ask others for help, but I am having a really hard time asking. Is there a way I can use Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping to help with this issue?


photo by Marcin Moga

I have always had really hard time receiving things. I was raised to work hard, do everything I can, and be self-reliant. I have always wanted to be successful. I have felt that when I needed help it meant that I weak or not good enough.

At the other end other end of the spectrum I also don't want my actions or efforts to be noticed. I don't like when others make a big deal of my work. For the longest time I had a very hard time taking a complement. I would defuse it and turn it into a joke.

Recently Deborah Miller, PhD (FindTheLightWithin.com) wrote a great tapping sequence on getting better at receiving. It is reprinted below with permission.

RECEIVING

Do you say you want something but complain when you don't get it? Do you really believe you can have what you desire? Or do you doubt it, or believe others can get what they desire but not you? Do you stop yourself from receiving what you desire even when it's being offered to you? Do you truly know how to receive?

Most of us have not learned how to “receive” gracefully. We've been taught things like: I must accept what there is, it's greedy to “want” things, others are suffering so I should be satisfied with what I have, or it is better to give than to receive. None of these beliefs helps us learn how to ask for and receive what we desire.

Let's do some tapping to open ourselves to gracefully receive: help, support, finances, time, energy, health, work, money, and especially love.

Even though I was taught it isn't ok to receive, because it is better to give than receive, I love myself completely and profoundly.

Even though I was taught that it wasn't ok to ask for things, or that I had to wait until someone choose to give me something, I love and accept myself profoundly.

Even though I would like to receive, I don't know how. I feel uncomfortable. I'm still a great lady (or guy).

Eyebrow: I can't receive. It's not ok to get things. I'm supposed to give things.

Side of Eye: I can't accept anything, not even something as simple as a compliment without having to shrug it off or feel uncomfortable, much less say “Thank You!”

Under the Eye: I want to receive but I'm not even sure what I want to receive so how can I receive it?

Under the Nose: I say I want this or that, but I'm saying I'd like that “thing” because it is an object I can identify.

Chin: I say I'd like to receive “objects” when deep down what I'd really like to receive is tenderness, kindness, respect, time, hugs, quality time with the people I love, and most of all love.

Collarbone: I'd like to receive respect, honest responses and encouragement from those I love, and from those who work with me.

Under the Arm: I'd also like to receive the physical objects and comforts that would make my life feel luscious and rich, which in turn allows me to give to those I love.

Top of Head: How could I receive when I didn't know what I really wanted? How could I receive when I didn't feel I deserved what I want?

Eyebrow: Now that I've identified what I'd like to receive, I choose to release any resistance I have to receiving. Aahhh! Now I can begin to receive.

Side of Eye: I learn to receive step by step. I listen to the compliments I receive and simply say “thank you!”. I learn to receive by rejoicing in all the things I receive that make me happy.

Under the Eye: It puts me in the right frame of mind and it opens my heart to receive deeply. It is my divine right to receive.

Under the Nose: Receiving is a blessing to those who want to give to me. Allowing them to give to me is allowing them to give from their heart. That is receiving and giving all at once.

Chin: I receive because it feels so good to do so. I receive because I love how happy it makes those who want to give so lovingly to me.

Collarbone: I rejoice in my ability to receive from my heart, and in turn give openly and gracefully.

Under the Arm: What a beautiful cycle it creates: first receiving from an open and loving heart, and then with a heart wide open give love.

Top of Head: I am so happy to receive; receive my divine gifts of time, energy, playfulness, joy, laughter, delight, even the things I desire, but especially love. Love is the best gift to receive. I receive love now.

People Might Not Like It When We Change

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I have been using tapping for the last six months and love the results. One thing I have noticed is that my family is not excited about my change at all. Some of the members of my family even resent it. Is this common and is there anything I can do about it?


photo by Jeremy Brooks

At first I was amazed at the number of times that I heard stories like these from my clients. As time has passed I have come to realize that not only is this a common occurrence, but it is something that makes a great deal of sense.

Every relationship that we have is a co-creation. Inside of this relationship there is an exchange of some sort. What I provide to the relationship is different from what my friend is providing and that is great. It wouldn't be a great deal of fun to have every relationship be exactly the same from each side. If that were the case every relationship we have would just be in relationship with ourselves.

For example, in the teacher/student relationship the teacher is getting a chance to share wisdom and knowledge and the student is getting a chance to learn. In a marriage the wife might be the encouragement to help the husband peruse bigger things and the husband might be the calming force in the wife's life.

[Note: I have a feeling the way I am talking about relationships might not be sitting well with you. This might seem like it is too much of a transaction and less of a loving relationship. I agree I am talking about relationships is very base terms here. I am only speaking in this way to understand why others struggle when we change.]

Every relationship not matter how big or small there is a give and take. Even if it is in very subtle small ways there is an exchange. In most cases is it not a clear cut set of roles and in most cases we don't even think about it.

When we change we change the basic nature of many of the relationships that we have. For example when the student has learned enough they are going to move on from the teacher. This is not a dismissal of the teacher or the teacher's knowledge, but an acknowledgement the dynamic of the relationship is now different. In some cases the relationship ends while other times the nature of the relationship changes as they be come peers.

On change is not preferable to another. It is just a nature of relationship. Each relationship has it own time and season. Some people pass through our live briefly, other pass in and out and back in again, while still others just keep changing and evolving with time.

As we are going through change work, cleaning out the wounds from the past, and evolving into more complete people the relationships in our lives are going to change. Because we are different people we are going to need different things and we are going to provide different things from our relationships.

Let's look at an extreme example. That's say we start this process we a very low sense of self esteem. Because of this we let a number of our family members walk all over us and take advantage of us because we are not willing to stick up for ourselves. When they take advantage (and may times this is happening subconsciously) they are able to get us to tasks they don't want to do or they might get to feel better by putting us down.

After working with a practitioner a number of times we have been able to improve our self esteem to the point that we are willing to stand up for ourselves and we are no longer allowing ourselves to be talked into doing tasks for our family members when we don't what to.

It is very easy to see how our family members (again in a subconscious way) would not like the fact that we have made this change because they are no longer getting us to do stuff for them and they are loosing a chance to feel superior.

Most of the change we are going to go through is not going to be this dramatic, but every change we make is going to change the way we interact with the world, therefore causing the expectations of the people in our life to no longer be met.

All of this happens in a very subconscious way. Our loved ones are not thinking to themselves “You have changed and your are no longer giving me what I want out of this relationship.” Instead they are simply noticing their needs are no longer being met and therefore they are going to be angry.

What I have just explained here is a major piece of resistance many people have to making change in their life. They have made small changes in the past that they have felt the backlash from their loved ones. Because this has happened in a subconscious way they are going to prevent change in the future because they don't want to deal with this again.

There are good reasons to not change in this moment. How your loved ones are going to react to that change in most cases is not a good one.

You are worthy of change. The way they choose to react to that change is their choice. It is not your responsibility. They are responsible for their emotional state.

I share this information for two reasons. First, it is good to notice if you are preventing yourself form changing because you fear how others will react to the change. Second, it is helpful to be able to name why people are so resistant to your change. It will help you not to take is personally, but instead see that they are struggling with their own emotions and it is not something you are responsible for.

Here is some tapping you can do around this issue:

I know I want to change…I am worthy to evolve…I want my life to be richer…I want to be healthier…I want to be whole…I understand that there are people in my life who don't want me to change…they might say they want me to change…they might even believe they want me to change…but on a subconscious level there is a part of them that wants me to stay the way I am…because when I stay the way I am they don't have to make any changes to their life…therefore some of them are going to fight the changes I am making…and they are going to be angry at me for making those changes…I don't want to cause pain in other people's live…but that is NOT what I am doing here…the people in my life are responsible for their own emotional state…they are the ones who are creating that…I am worthy of change…I am not going to stop my change because it makes others uncomfortable…my evolution is too important…I give myself to permission to change…in my change I might even provide a model for those in my life that they can change too…I am not responsible for my loved ones emotional state…I am responsible to my true authentic self.

Teaching Others How To Tap

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I want to share Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping with my friends and family and I would even like to teach workshops on tapping, but I don't know where to begin. Do you have any suggestions on how to teach tapping to others?


photo by freeparking

Over the last four years I have taught tapping in formal and informal settings. Here are a few tips that I have learned from my successes and failures.

Don't Oversell Tapping, Undersell It
It is really easy to be excited about all the wonderful things that tapping can do. In addition to hearing the many stories of one-minute miracles, many of us have very profound personal stories to tell about tapping. I think we can do our teaching a real disservice by building up expectation of our students too high.

I have found in the beginning it is best to under sell how successful tapping can be. If you ever run in to a situation where it isn't working perfectly it can still look like a success.

For example, when asked “Will tapping work on (insert issue)?” you can respond, “It might, I know some people have had success with that type of issue.”

Or, when asked, “How often is tapping successful?” you can respond, “People have seen some level of relief in just a few minutes of tapping as much as half of the time?”

We know for our experience that the success rate is much higher than that, but this help to create a more forgiving audience if it doesn't work out the first time. By approaching it is this way you are giving yourself some room to have different degrees of success right off the bat.

Their Idea of Success
When teaching someone tapping it is important to keep in mind of what their idea of success is going to be, especially when you are teaching someone who is in pain at that moment. As noted before, if you are teaching tapping it is because you have seen its power. The people we are teaching in most cases have no idea what tapping is capable of doing.

I learned this lesson while sitting in a coffee shop in Costa Rica. I was reading when a group of travelers came and sat down. As we chatted I found out that they had just gotten off the zip lines and one of them was have real problems with his back.

I said, “I have something funky that might help.” And off we went.

He tuned into the level of pain at a 5. We did a round of tapping and I asked, “So, what is the pain level now?”

He responded, “It is at a 4.”

My heart fell. That is pathetic. The pain should be gone.

BUT, as my thoughts we going to despair everyone in his group, almost as if they were a chorus, said “WOW!”

After a moment of pause I realized that really was a wow. A total stranger in a coffee shop with no drugs of any sort in under 60 seconds just helped to remove 20% of the physical pain.

One minute wonders are great to talk about, but when people first being introduced to tapping it is okay is we also talk in term of smaller results because they can still be amazing.

Everything Is Perfect
One of the things I have learned from my hypnosis training is to recognize everything as perfect. This is particularly important in hypnosis because building repore with a client is very important. If they start to doubt you or the process then progress is going to be likely lost. As a hypnotist, regardless what happens, you act as if it is not a surprise to keep your repore with the client.

The nice thing about tapping is that it is mechanical. It works whether the client believes it or not, but it is still important to have the person trying tapping for the first time engaged so that they can stay tuned into their issues (which is required for success).

It is important to keep in mind that every round of tapping is successful. It might not be a round that leads to relief, but it does provide information.

For example the intensity might stay at the same level. This is just letting us know that there is something else we need to be more successful (clear PR, be more specific, drink water). The level might go up letting us know we are more tuned into the issue than before.

When I am checking in with someone after a round of tapping I say something like, “Did the intensity go up, stay the same, or go down?” By asking the question in this fashion I am setting it up so there is no failure, just information.

If you would like more ideas on this topic check out Feedback – What We Can Learn From Each Round of Tapping

Start Simple
When teaching someone how to do tapping for the first time it is best to get them to experience some level of success that we can build upon. To do this I recommend to start with something that is simple. Introducing someone to tapping through a major childhood trauma might be hard.

For physical symptoms I simply say, “Scan your body right now and I want to you to notice any aches or pains. I want to you to find one of the places that has the highest level of stress, strain, or pain, but I don't want you to choose something that is chronic.”

The last part of that set up is important. Often time when we are dealing with a pain that has been present for a long time it might be associated with deeper emotional roots. Tapping is prefect for these cases and it is great to go after the emotional roots in a client session, but as a first time teaching tool it might be too much.

To demonstrate tapping for emotional issues I ask them to, “I want you to think of a moment in the last few days in which you had a disproportionate emotional response to some event. You know what I mean by disproportionate? Right?”

Not only does this usually get a smile it will direct them to something that is very close to the surface. This is make it easier for them to tune into the emotion (opposed to something that is years or decades old.)

Remember, the goal is just to get them use to the idea of tapping. Small successes are enough to do this for someone who has never experienced the power of tapping.

You Might Be Planting Seeds (and that is enough)
There are people who are going to listen to your presentation or demonstration and just walk away with a closed mind.

BUT, the next time they hear about tapping their mind is going to be a little more open. When we hear about something odd once we question it, but the more places we hear about something the more believable it becomes.

Your demonstration of tapping might be sowing the seeds to more open mind. If you just plant a few seeds in someone mind you have done good work.

You Are Not The Right Teacher For Everyone
Every teacher has their own teaching style and every student has their own learning style. Their are people that you are the perfect voice to teach tapping to them and there are others who in a million years would not listen to you.

I became much more comfortable with my web site when I realized I didn't need to be all things to all people. Some are going to find my resources helpful whiles are not.

There are enough people in the world who could use tapping in their life that if one person (or a group of people) don't listen to me it is okay because there are many more to teach.

You are not the right teach for every person you encounter and that is okay.

It Is OK If They Don't Accept It
Tapping is not right for everyone. If someone isn't willing to be open to what you are offering that is perfectly okay. When someone doesn't want to learn they are making a choice about what they think is needed (or not needed) in their life. This is not a judgment on tapping, on your teaching style, or on you.

Even When Working With A Group Just Start With A Few People
Presenting in front of a large group is not comfortable for some people. If you are in this camp then I would recommend when teaching tapping and doing a demonstration do it for a small group and have everyone else watch.

What I mean by this is get a group of three or four people up front with you and teach them tapping and do a few demonstrations. If you are not comfortable in front of a large group you are more than likely comfortable in front of a few people. All you need to do is create this dynamic by getting a few volunteers.

It is important that when you are selecting volunteers you do this in a way that is going to give you good demonstration subjects. I would do it something like this:

“I just a moment I am going to teach you how to do tapping to deal with physical pain and emotional issues. To do this I am going to need a few volunteers to demonstrate and teach. Those who volunteer will be given a first hand experience of tapping, just like working with a practitioner. If you do volunteer your going to need to be willing to talk about the issue you would like to tap for, like the pain in your knee or being frustrated with a co-worker, so that everyone can learn for the processes. I am not going to ask anything too personal, such as the name of the person you are frustrated with, but it is import that you are willing to talk, at least in general terms, about what we are going to work on.”

If you do something like this before you ask for volunteers you are going to help to insure you are going to work with someone willing to talk and will be more likely to avoid a deep trauma issue. Again, tapping is great for these types of issues, but they are not always ideal as a teaching tool, especially if you are not use to teaching tapping to groups.

Conclusion
I hope these tips are helpful in making it easier for you to teach tapping. If you have some suggestions I missed, I would encourage you to add them to the comments below.