Almost daily I receive an email asking something along the lines of, “What is the best way to tap for [insert issue]?”
It’s great that people are looking for the most effect ways to clear an issue, but sometimes I think this question can be problematic.
In this audio I explore the question of the best way to tap. What I share here will help even the most experienced tapper to tap in a more effective way.
When working with my clients one-on-one, we usually spend a lot of time tapping for the world views and beliefs that have been passed along from parents. It makes good sense that we pick up the beliefs of our parents because they are usually our closest relationships.
Mark Wolynn’s work looks at how we inherit our parents’ beliefs, not through the day-to-day of living with them, but genetically as a result of the trauma experienced by past generations.
This idea emerged just over a decade ago and there is now a large body of scientific evidence in support of it.
In the interview Mark explains how trauma is passed on genetically in our DNA, how we can identify the traumas that have been passed down, and what we can do to clear them.
If you find this topic interesting, check out Mark’s book “IT DIDN’T START WITH YOU: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle”, which contains a much more comprehensive conversation on how you can identify and clear inherited traumas.
 Mark Wolynn |
Guest: Mark Wolynn
Contact: web @ MarkWolynn.com; facebook @ Mark Wolynn
About: Mark Wolynn, director of The Family Constellation Institute in San Francisco, is a leading expert in the field of inherited family trauma. A sought-after lecturer, he has taught at the University of Pittsburgh, the Western Psychiatric Institute, Kripalu, The Omega Institute, The New York Open Center, and The California Institute of Integral Studies. Mark specializes in working with depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, fears, panic disorders, self-injury, chronic pain and persistent symptoms and conditions. His book IT DIDN’T START WITH YOU: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle (Viking/Penguin) is the winner of the 2016 Nautilus Book Award in psychology. His articles have appeared in Psychology Today, Mind Body Green, MariaShriver.com, Elephant Journal, and Psych Central.
EFT and tapping are powerful tools in the face of strong emotions in the moment. It is amazing how quickly we can feel better just by tapping without words as we are experiencing difficult or overwhelming feelings.
Some events are so big, however, that they bring emotions that need be dealt with both before and afterwards and for these a more strategic plan is needed.
Recently, Gwenn Bonnell and her family lived through a major hurricane. Knowing that the hurricane was coming meant they had to deal with the anxiety of the unknown ahead of time. They then lived through it and also had to deal with the aftermath.
In this conversation Gwen talks about how she tapped before, during, and after the hurricane. The tools she shares can be used for anything that uproots your life either directly (like a natural disaster) or indirectly (a mass shooting in another part of the world).
[28m30s]
Guest: Gwenn Bonnell
Contact Gwenn: web @ TapIntoHeaven.com; web @ TapAwayPain.com; email @ gwenn@tapintoheaven.com; phone @ 954 370 1552
About Gwenn: Gwenn is a writer, teacher and lecturer. She offers private sessions and training and workshops at Heaven On Earth in Davie, Florida. A graduate of the College of Health and Human Development, Penn State University, she is a member of ACEP, the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology, and has trained personally with Gary Craig (developer of EFT, Emotional Freedom Techniques), Dr. Larry Nims (BSFF, Be Set Free Fast), Tapas Fleming (TAT, Tapas Acupressure Techniques), Donna Eden and David Feinstein (Energy Medicine), Sandi Radomski (Allergy Antidotes), Alan Handelsman (Muscle Testing), Paul Burdelski (Touch for Health), and Piilani (Huna Kane).
Back in April I talked with Dr. Peta Stapleton about the scientific research that she has done over the last decade on the efficacy of tapping.
In our last interview Peta talked about how she and her team had just been given access to an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) machine for their research. Using an fMRI machine allows them to see the impact that tapping and EFT have on the brain.
In this interview we get an update on how they are using the fMRI machine, what they have learned so far, and what they will be testing in the future.
Make sure you check out our original conversation about the research around tapping. Also, at the bottom of this page you will find links to many of the scientific papers that Peta has published with evidence that tapping works.
[21m45s]
 Dr. Peta Stapleton |
Guest: Dr. Peta Stapleton
Contact: web @ PetaStapleton.com/; twitter @PetaStapleton; instagram @petastapleton
About: Dr. Peta Stapleton has 22 years of experience as a registered Clinical and Health Psychologist in the State of Queensland, Australia and has completed a Bachelor of Arts, Postgraduate Diploma of Professional Psychology and Doctor of Philosophy. Peta held academic positions at Griffith University for 14 years, teaching and coordinating psychological research trials into new therapies in the area of obesity and weight management and is now Associate Professor in Psychology at Bond University.
Peta regularly contributes to the academic field with publications in the areas of nursing, morale, communication, psychological interventions and eating disorders. She regularly reviews for academic journals and offers supervision for new and existing Psychologists as well as students.
Here is a list of published research papers which Peta has authored or co-authored about EFT:
All interviews with Dr. Peta Stapelton:
It is a little known fact that there are approximately 40,000 neurons in the human heart and around 500 million in our stomachs. Together these neurons are sometimes referred to as “little brains”. The heart and stomach are connected to each other and to our brains via the vagus nerve. 80% of the information traveling on this path goes from the stomach and heart to the brain.
This means that a huge amount of information comes from the neurons of the stomach and heart to the brain, helping us to make choices all day long.
On some level we already know this because we use phrases like “I have this gut feeling that…” or “My heart is tell me to…”
The process of mBraining uses this information in a deliberate way to create healing and transformation. Andy Bryce and his wife Maxine are certified in mBraining and are the first people in the world to combine it with tapping.
In this interview Andy talks about mBraining, how it can be combined with tapping, and he gives a demonstration where he works with me on an issue I am struggling with.
Did you know you can support the podcast to make it better?
 Andy Bryce |
Guest: Andy Bryce
Contact: Web @ TappingThrough.com; Email @ andy@tappingthrough.com; Twitter @eftandybryce; Facebook @ EFTAndyBryce
About Andy: Andy Bryce has been working with personal growth, well being and emotional resilience for over thirty years. For the last seventeen years, his primary toolkit has been Emotional Freedom Techniques. In 2006, Andy was certified as one of only 30 EFT Master Practitioners worldwide. Andy is also a certified mBraining Coach and P.E.T. practitioner.
Andy is a past Director of Training for AAMET, and has trained EFT practitioners in Belgium, France, Canada, USA, Mexico, Australia, Italy, Greece, South Africa and the UK as a Trainer of Trainers.
My friend Pamela Bruner often says that “Small business ownership is the master’s degree of personal development.” The reason she says this is because when we own a business, we are constantly being pushed to do tasks that make us uncomfortable. And because we are constantly in these situations, we have many opportunities to lean head on into the underlying issues that hold us back from taking action.
Pamela is a firm believer that mindset work is essential and fundamental to being successful in business.
In this conversation we talk about the most common mindset issues experienced by small business owners, and the easiest ways to address them with tapping.
Pamela Bruner |
Guest: Pamela Bruner
Contact: web @ MakeYourSuccessReal.com, twitter @ PamelaBruner, facebook @ MakeYourSuccessEasy;
phone @ 888-403-4057
About Pamela: Pamela Bruner is a Business Success Coach, author, speaker, and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) expert. After removing her own marketing fears to grow her business from \(375/month to a \)1,000,000 in less than three years, Pamela specializes in working with conscious entrepreneurs to build six- and seven-figure businesses by removing their fears and blocks around marketing and sales. She is co-author of ‘EFT and Beyond – Cutting Edge Techniques for Personal Transformation’, and is the co-author of the book and DVD ‘Tapping into Ultimate Success’ with Jack Canfield, author of ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’.
This tap-along audio and tapping scripts were originally created in the wake of the Boston Marathon bombing. They were created in a way that could be used for any tragedy.
Any tragedy this unexpected can leave us feeling very vulnerable because we recognize that there are so many things in the world beyond our control. When we are in the middle of this kind of experience we see the same images over and over again. It almost feels like they are being burned into our retinas and engraved in our minds.
There are two tapping sequences in this audio. The first is for dealing with the emotion of the tragedy. The second is for dealing with the tv images that we have seen over and over again. The scrips are typed out below the audio so you can print them out and take them with you.
It's really hard when we see tragedy…Especially tragedy of such a nature…Things that we don't expect…That come out of nowhere…That really take us off guard…They can really shake us to our core…Because they are so unexpected…They take us to a place where we feel like everything is out of control…It shines a light on on how incredibly random the world can be…How little we really control…We recognize this…When we recognize how little control we have…It can make day to day really hard…Because it simply feels like the world is acting on us…If we are lucky we will get through it unscathed…Part of us believes that this is only a matter of luck…Part of us believes that something bad could happen at any moment…It is true that the world is an unsafe place…It is true that there are things that can happen in an unexpected way…It's true that we don't have as much control as we would like to think…Just because we don't control everything doesn't mean that our life is out of control…Just because there are things that can hurt us does it mean that we are in danger of being hurt every single moment…We are more aware than we think of the danger around us…We are continually making choices to keep us safe…When things don't go perfectly or when things go wrong…We have the facilities and the skills to respond…Today is a new day…With unknown things coming at me…I give myself permission to recognize that I can respond to whatever comes my way…I always control my response…I always control my thoughts…I always control my emotions…Which gives me the opportunity to whatever comes…Even if it's not accepted…Even if it is tragic.
Over the last few days I've seen lots of horrific images…Some of those images I have seen over and over again…They feel like they're burned into my retinas and they feel like they are burned into my consciousness…That I will constantly be reminded of them…When I see a flashing light or I hear a loud bang…All of these images are going to come rushing back…I give myself permission to release and let go…I give myself permission to know I don't have to hold on to these images…I am aware of this type of danger…I know what I need to do to be safe…Holding on to these images are not going to keep me any safer…Re-remembering these images over and over again are not going to make me any safer…I give myself and I give my whole system permission to release and let go…I give myself permission to know that I can let go of these images and still be safe…I can let go of these images and still be aware of what's around me…I can let go of these images and be safe.
One of the phrases that my clients find hardest to use in their tapping is, “I give myself permission to be easy and gentle with myself”.
The reason they find it difficult is because it feels as if it’s giving themselves permission to do less work, not to try, or to be satisfied with something that is less than.
Recently I had conversation with one of my clients who reported struggling with using that phrase, even though she recognized it would be useful.
Below is the recording of that conversation, used with her permission.
In the conversation we cover why it is useful to use the phrase and the many reasons why we resist doing so, as well as how we can position ourselves for great healing by tapping with the phrase.
As an added bonus, you have the opportunity to hear me working one-on-one with a client in real time, which I hope you will find instructional.
It is amazing how effective our system is at finding ways to feel better. When something is wrong (even when we aren’t consciously aware of it), the system starts to take steps to feel better.
The problem is that our system is geared to react with short term solutions. Its only concern is to stop the discomfort right now, so it isn’t motivated to make good long term choices.
For example, when I am highly stressed I start to crave ice cream (particularly cookies and cream flavor). When I eat the ice creamy goodness, my body is flooded with all the biochemicals that come along with digesting a lot of sugar.
In the short term, I stop feeling overwhelmed. If I keep making these choices in the long term, it becomes very unhealthy.
In this conversation with Manal Khalife we talk about why we make self-medicating choices, the surprising types of self-medicating choices we can make, and how we can stop them.
 Manal Khalife |
Guest: Manal Khalife
Contact: Web @ ManalKhalife.com/; twiter @ iammanalk; facebook @ iammanalk;
Book: Food, Drugs & Love: How to Stop Escaping & Start Living
About: Manal Khalife is a Stress and Emotions Coach, helping women who want to learn how to handle stress, let go of emotional pain, make peace with past experiences, and move forward with confidence. She specializes in working with postpartum depression.
Dealing with money is a fact of life. We can’t live without it. In the best of all possible worlds money would be perceived just as a tool that helps us to fulfill our daily needs.
The problem is that on an emotional level we don’t perceive money as simply a tool. Instead, we write stories about ourselves in terms of our relationship with money.
Not having money can mean that we don’t feel worthy. If do have money, we feel like we are being greedy. It is as if we can’t win. No matter how much money we do or don’t have, we write a negative story about ourselves.
This week I have a conversation with Brad Yates about how we can uncover the past experiences responsible for the conscious and unconscious stories we tell around money. We also talk about the first steps we can take to tap for these stories.
Join Brad and myself at Uncomplicate Your Relationship With Money this November in Orlando.
 Brad Yates |
Guest: Brad Yates
Contact: twitter @EFTWizard; web @ TapWithBrad.com; facebook @ facebook.com/BradYatesTapping
About Brad: Brad has had the privilege and pleasure of working with a diverse group of clients, from CEOs to professional and NCAA athletes, from chiropractors and psychiatrists to corporate and federal attorneys, from award-winning actors to residents at a program for homeless men and women in Santa Monica. For several years he taught a weekly class using EFT and guided imagery at Sacramento Drug Court. He has also been a presenter at a number of events, including several International Energy Psychology Conferences and the Walk On Water (WOW) Fest in Los Angeles. He has presented at Jack Canfield’s Breakthrough to Success event, and has done teleseminars with “The Secret” stars Bob Doyle and Dr. Joe Vitale. He is also the co-author of the best-seller “Freedom at Your Fingertips,” a featured expert in the film “Try It On Everything” (along with Jack Canfield, Bob Proctor, Dr. Norman Shealy and Dr. Bruce Lipton), and has been heard internationally on a number of internet radio talk shows.
If you have been around the self-help world for any amount of time, it won’t surprise you to hear that caregivers are notoriously poor at taking good care of themselves.
What might be surprising is that one of the areas where this lack of self-care shows up is the way in which caregivers struggle with money.
In this conversation with Melissa Lester we talk about why caregivers struggle with self-care, how it affects their relationship to money, and what we can do about it.
Melissa is one of the hosts of the event Improve Your Relationship With Money which is taking place in November in Orlando. I am going to be one of the speakers at the event and I would love to see you there. Full details.
Guest: Melissa Lester, LCSW
Contact:* Web @ melissalesterlcsw.com; Email @ here; Phone @ 770-313-7768;
Bio: Melissa Lester is a therapist and EFT Practitioner in Atlanta, GA. Melissa specializes in working with women issues especially Binge Eating Disorder, LGBTQ Issues, Coming Out Later in Life, Family of Origin issues, Relationship issues, Anxiety, Depression and Stress.
I might seem counter intuitive, but there are three good reasons to why our loved ones don’t want us to heal and transform. This can even be true for the people in our lives who are vocally supportive of us.
In most cases this lack of support from our loved ones is happening on a subconscious level.
This week in the podcast I talk about the three reasons why our loved ones don’t want us to change and I provide a tap along audio for each of the reasons.
You can also find the tapping scripts written out below the audio player. (Did you know that you can take many of the tapping script with you through the free Tapping Q&A app? Download it here: Apple App | Google/Android App)
I recognize the fact that as I change. As I transform. As I heal. As I move forward. My transformation impacts the people around me because we are connected. We are interdependent. Just because my transformation impacts others it does not mean I need to stand still. That I need to stay static. Because the world isn’t static. The world is not staying the same. It only feels that way. I give myself permission to pursue transformation. To work towards healing. In an intentional and a deliberate way.
It is okay for me to make choices in the world that impact the people around me. Because the people around me are being impacted by me no matter what I do. They’re going to be times in which loved ones feel subconsciously that my transformation is pointing out and heightening the discomfort in their own life. When they see me having better. When they see me healing. When they see me transformed. They might be reminded of the things that they are not happy within their own life. This might cause them to push back on my transformation. To undermine my healing. Just because they recognize the pain in their life. This does not mean I am responsible for the pain in their life. This does not mean I have caused the pain in their life. This does not mean I have to stop my transformation. They are responsible for their emotional state and I give myself permission to keep healing. Regardless how they see themselves.
It is also possible for the people around me to be jealous of my transformation. Because they are not having the same type of healing. They might even be putting in effort. They might even be working really hard. Not make the progress that I am making. Because of this they are jealous of my progress. I recognize the fact my healing is not undermining their healing. My transformation is not undermining their transformation. It simply means that I am transforming and I am healing at a rate that is faster than them. They can choose to be jealous if they like. But they are responsible for that jealousy. I give myself permission to trust myself. To know this healing path is right regardless how it relates to someone else’s healing path. This process of healing that I am engaged in means and I am changing. Means that I am transforming.
When I transform one part of my life it often impacts many parts of my life. When I change it is possible for many of my relationships to change as well. There are people who aren’t going to be happy with our relationships changing. Because they want their life to be predictable. They want their life to be the same. They want things to move forward in a consistent way. I can appreciate their desire for predictability. But the world is actually changing all of the time. Relationships are evolving all of the time. I give myself permission to recognize the fact I am not responsible for others transformation. I am allowed to change. I give myself permission to know that when people are frustrated with my transformation regardless of the reason it is about them and how they see the world. It is not about me. It is not about my right to transform. It is not about how I’m moving through the world. It is about their interpretation. I give myself permission to keep healing. To keep transforming. To keep evolving. Regardless what the people around me think. My transformation is about me. My transformation is about my life. My transformation is about how I move forward. I give myself permission to trust myself in this transformation. To know my transformation and healing is not only good for me but it is good for everyone.
Desire can be a double-edged sword.
When we want something that we don’t have and see others with it, we feel left out. Sometimes we even feel as if we are not as worthy or not as valuable as others because they have it and we don’t.
On the other hand, we can also feel bad for having desires at all, beating ourselves up for seeming ungrateful or unappreciative for what we do have.
What I find most amazing is the fact that we can feel both of these emotions at the same time. We can feel bad for not having what we want AND we can feel bad for wanting more.
This week I have a tap-along audio and script to respond to both ends of the emotional struggle with desire.
Join me at “Uncomplicate Your Relationship With Money”
I have desires…I have goals…There are things that I want to have to be better…There are parts of my life I would like to transform…There are things in my life that I would like to heal…But I have a lot of emotional baggage around desire…Part of me feels bad because I have desires…Part of me feels bad because I want more…My desire feels selfish…My desire feels greedy…Because even though my life isn’t perfect…I still have more than many…If I want more…It means that I am ungrateful…It means that I am unappreciative…It means I am being selfish…Because if I were truly thankful I would appreciate what I have and not want more…I give myself permission to know I can be grateful for what I have and still want to have more…I can appreciate where I am and want to make changes…Wanting more is not selfish…Wanting better is not greedy…It is possible for me to want more…It is possible for me to have more…Without robbing others of opportunity…Without robbing others of what they need…Improving my own life is not detrimental to others…Improving my own life gives me the opportunity to lift others up as well…Desiring more is safe…Wanting more is healthy…Lifting myself up can lift others up…Improving my status is not greedy…
Desire can also be painful…Because it points out what I don’t have…It points out what I have not achieved…There is a part of me that interprets this lack as a failing…There is a part of me that interprets the lack as a judgement…Lack says that I am unworthy…Lack says that I am not good enough…Lack says that I am failing…Because if I were good enough…I would have already achieved it…If I were worthy of success…I would have success…Seeing others with success tells me they are good enough and I am not…Tells me they are valuable and I am not…I give myself permission to know it is possible for me to evolve to being able to recognize the fact that not achieving is not a statement on my worth…That not having is not a statement on my value…It is simply a statement of where I am in this moment…It is simply a statement of the process that I am in…I give myself permission to embrace the fact that this is a process that is unfolding in a gentle natural way…That is allowing me to achieve…My current status is not a statement on who I am…My lack of achievement is not a statement on what I can be…Where I am is simply a statement of where I am…In this spot I am worthy…In this spot I am whole…I am capable of more…I can work towards more…I appreciate where I am in this moment…I give myself permission to continue to have desires…To use my desires as a motivation…As I continue to move forward…As I continue to evolve…In big and small ways.
Tapping for negative past experiences is often the easiest kind of tapping because we know the details of the past experience. While tapping we have the opportunity to state exactly what happened, how we interpret those events, how we felt about them back then, and how we feel now.
No matter how long we have to tap to find relief, the tapping itself is straightforward.
Tapping for the emotion of dread can be much less straightforward. Dread is a worry about the future and, since the future is unknown, it is much harder to find specific details to tap for.
Here is a tap-along audio and tapping script to help you to tap for dread. I recorded the audio while I was in the grip of feeling dread myself, so you have the opportunity to experience the way I tap when dealing with an issue firsthand.
Join me at “Uncomplicate Your Relationship With Money”
There is a deep feeling of dread…That is encompassing my entire body…Because it is dread there is no specific focal point…There’s no specific place that lives in my body…There is no epicenter to the pain…Even when I have a sense with the dread is and what it is about I don’t know what that is in detail…Which makes tapping for this emotion really hard…I give myself permission to know that it is okay to tap…It is effective to tap…Even when I don’t know exactly what I’m focusing on…Because of what is going on around me and because of the things outside of my control…My system is feeling a sense of dread…It’s feeling a sense of hopelessness…Things are bad…Or are going to continue to be bad…Or are going to get worse…I appreciate the fact of my system is pointing this out…I am fully aware of what is going wrong…I am fully aware of what might go wrong…My system has done its job…I give the dread permission to release…Because I am aware of what it is trying to point out…Letting go of the dread is not saying the current situation is okay…Letting go of the dread is not me giving up my power to take action…Letting go of the dread he’s not giving up…Instead by releasing the dread it puts me in a position to take action…It puts me in a position to move forward…It allows me to regain my control…Not control over everything…But control over me…Control over the small actions I can take…Control over the kindness that I can share…Control over being able to be present in this moment…Not ignoring what is going on…But instead not being debilitated by what is going on…Even when it feels hopeless…Even when it feels overwhelming…I give myself permission to allow myself to move forward…In This Moment, being a positive agent of change…That does not mean it is easy…That does not mean it is fun…That does not mean it is pain-free…It means that I am in a situation where I can control this moment in controlling how I respond…I am glad my system is recognizing things that are troubling…I appreciate my systems pointing out things that are difficult for my system to overcome the dread has done its job…It can release…It can let go…So I can move forward.
Why do you tap?
It seems like such a silly question to consider. Obviously (!) we tap to make ourselves feel better, remove pain, to be healthier, and to create a more enjoyable life.
I don’t disagree with any of those ideas. In a global way that is why I use Emotional Freedom Techniques as well. But it doesn’t get to the heart of the reason why we tap.
For me, there is a simple underlying principle that informs how I understand change, where to start when working with an issue, and how I can evaluate the long term success of tapping.
I am always trying to get better at what I do. In order to do that I need constantly to re-evaluate and challenge my own assumptions. I would love to hear your thoughts on this idea in the comments below. Your feedback will make me a better practitioner.
One of the first techniques that any good tapper learns is the “movie technique”.
In the movie technique you replay the details of a past event in your mind, as if you are watching them in a film. As you replay the past events, the moment you get to an emotion in the memory, you stop and tap for the emotion.
This is a very effective way of clearing the emotions from a past event. The problem is that there are often more emotions that need to be cleared than just the ones that show up while you are replaying the past memory.
Not only do we need to deal with what happened, but we also need to clear the emotions we feel today as we think about that past event.
Here is a simple technique to make sure you are clearing the emotional baggage from the past memory AND also clearing your relationship to the past.
At the end of month I will be in the UK on vacation and I would love to see you!
The last two times I have been in London I arranged informal meetups. We talked about tapping, the healing process, and life in general. I had a great time getting to know my readers and those who showed up made new tapping friends.
On Monday July 31st I am going to be at Mulberry Bush (89 Upper Ground, Southbank, SE1 9PP, very close to the National Theatre ) from 6:30 pm – 8:30 pm.
If you are in the city please do come along to hang out and have drink. You can stop by anytime and can stay for as long or short as you would like.
Send me a note if you are thinking of coming so I can send you updated information if anything changes.
I am also going to be in north Wales July 28th, 29th, and 30th. I’m not currently planning a meetup there but if you are in that part of the world, reply to this email and we might arrange a little gathering.
Let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you soon!
Gene
People with a kind heart and helping disposition are often those who have the hardest time reaching out for help.
This can happen for reasons ranging from not wanting to be a burden to others, to believing that since we possess the tools of healing, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves.
Everyone (and I mean everyone) needs help from the outside. We can’t and aren’t meant to go it alone. This week I have a tap-along audio and tapping script for those who find it difficult to ask for help or to accept help when it is offered.
I recognize the fact that I want to do it all…I want to take responsibility for myself…I want to take responsibility for my work…There is a part of me that feels as if I am failing if I ask someone else for help…There is a part of me that feels like I am being a burden if I ask someone else to assist me…It’s good that I want to take responsibility for myself…It is good that I’m thoughtful in the ways that I ask for help…It is good that I don’t want to be a burden to other people…But there are some truths that I need to accept…I need to accept the fact that I cannot do this on my own…I need to accept the fact that I do need help in this world…I need to accept the fact that they’re actually people who would love to help me…There are even people in my life who are offended because I don’t ask them for help…It is not a failing to ask for help…It is not a weakness to ask for help…It is not a failing to look to others for help…Because I am human…Help is something that I need…Because I’m human…I need to connect with others…I give myself permission to know that that is appropriate…I give myself permission to know that that is healthy…I give myself permission to know that this is how transformation will happen in the long term…I give myself permission to know I’m worthy of that help…I give myself permission to know I’m allowed to ask for that help…I give myself permission to know it is the right thing for me to do…To ask for help in big and small ways…I can’t do this on my own…That is perfectly OK…That is allowed…I give myself permission to be OK with that…This does not mean I expect others to do everything for me…This doesn’t mean I’m giving up responsibility in my own life…It only means I am willing to do the work…And I am willing to reach out to get the help I need.
Note: This article was originally shared on Sept 2nd, 2012 with the title “Why I Hate Emotional Freedom Techniques”. This is an updated and edited version of that article.
I have a confession to make. I hate Emotional Freedom Techniques.
OK, I don’t hate the tool, but I do hate the name.
In the beginning I hated the name because I thought it did the technique such a disservice.
Here we were being given this amazingly powerful tool that was changing people’s lives. It was helping them to release lifelong limiting beliefs, ameliorate chronic physical pain, ease deep-seated emotional issues, and eliminate cravings. It has brought relief to people in hospitals, in war-torn countries and disaster zones, and in prisons.
As a professional using EFT I thought the name “Emotional Freedom Techniques” undermined just how powerful a tool it is.
As someone who has used tapping for many years, I know what that freedom feels like after a powerful tapping session. The world feels new because we have released what has been holding us back. But this is the language of someone who has used EFT and experienced its benefits.
For those who haven’t used it before, it is easy to perceive EFT as something frivolous and unpowerful.
For a number of years I was given the opportunity to teach tapping as part of an anger management class in a county jail. One day in class I was telling the guys in jail about my disdain for the name and one of them piped up and said, “You’re right. It shouldn’t be called EFT. It should be BET: Balanced Emotion Techniques.”
It wasn’t just the fact the name was undermining its power, but instead the name wasn’t accurately describing what was going on.
His comment made me think about the way I teach tapping. Over and over again I teach that emotions are not the problem. Emotions are not the enemy. Emotions are information.
Every time we feel an emotion, our system is just giving us information. When I feel sad, it is saying that something important is missing. When I feel angry, it is telling me that it perceives attack. When I feel frustrated, it is letting me know I am not getting what I want.
This information is both helpful and useful. The goal of tapping isn’t to be free of these emotions.
First, the goal of tapping is to make sure that emotions show up at the right time.
For example, it is right that I fear lions, but if I fear them so much that I can’t leave my apartment in Brooklyn because I know there is a lion ten miles away in the Bronx Zoo, then that fear is completely out of proportion.
Second, the goal of tapping is to make sure emotions are showing up to the right degree.
For example, when someone cuts me off on the highway the rush of adrenalin triggered will help sharpen my senses and help me to control the car and stay safe. If that rush goes on so long that it overwhelms my system and I end up on the side of the road crying for 45 minutes because I almost died, the reaction produced is out of proportion.
I want and need my emotions. They are an important part of how I navigate the world. I don’t want to be free of them.
I have arrived at a point where I mostly just call what I do tapping, because I don’t tap in exactly the way Gary Craig originally taught. But again, that is less important.
What is more important is the fact that we have a clear understanding of what the goal of tapping is. For me, the goals are:
I know that if I tap regularly on my emotions, issues, and beliefs, then that will happen. If that happens, then it doesn’t matter if we call it tapping, EFT or Chad. It only matters that I am living the life I want.
It would be great if we could find a solution for every problem.
But that is simply not possible. Some illness can’t be cured. Death is inevitable.
There are even times when solutions are available, but for a variety of complex reasons our loved ones aren’t willing or able to choose change.
Whether there is no clear solution or the solution isn’t being chosen, it can leave you feeling helpless and heartbroken.
Below is a tap-along audio and script for those times when there is nothing you can do and you still hurt.
I want better for those around me…I want better for those I love…I want them to make better choices…I want them to have access to better options…The truth of the matter is that at a certain point…There are no more options…There is nothing that we can do to create change…Because the situation is so grave…There’s a part of us that doesn’t want to admit that…There is a part of me that doesn’t believe I am helpless in this regard…It is a part of me that wishes I could tap a little longer and a little harder to create change…But what is happening is happening…There are times when we cannot change that…I feel like a failure when this happens…I feel like I’m giving up because I’m not trying something new…I feel like there must be some deficiency in me otherwise I would have solved this problem…Otherwise I would have found an answer…Otherwise I would have found a way around this…Sometimes there’s nothing I can do…And that breaks my heart…It breaks my heart to see a loved one suffer…It breaks my heart to see them in pain…It breaks my heart to not see them take the action that might make a difference…I give myself permission to be sad…I give myself permission to be heartbroken…These are the emotions of wanting better for my loved ones…I give myself permission to be angry…Because that is the emotion of trying to fight for better…I give myself permission to feel lost…Because sometimes I just don’t have the answers…Even though this is out of my control…I can still be present…I can still be loving…I can share this moment with them…And that is real…That is significant…That is meaningful…Even if there’s a part of me that doesn’t accept that to be true…Even if there’s a part of me that feels like I am failing…Even if there’s a part of me that wants me to do more…I give myself permission to be with them…In this moment…With whatever they are dealing with…Knowing that they must take action…That this is their moment too…I give myself permission to know that it is significant…I give myself permission to know that this is not giving up…I give myself permission to know this is not giving in…This is being in the moment for them…This is being in the moment with them…That is meaningful…That is real…That is what I can do…That is who I can be in this moment.