Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Feeling Like You Are Backsliding

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Often when we do change work we feel like the deeper we dig into an issue the worse it gets. It is almost as if we stir up issues that weren’t there before. This can be frustrating and overwhelming.

We might ask, “If all I do is make this worse, why am I bothering? It’s not worth it! I give up!”

Even though we feel like we are not making progress, in reality we are. It just appears we are backsliding. Here is an analogy I like to use with my clients.

I grew up in Wyoming (one of the western states of the USA). Wyoming is filled with wide-open spaces. There are places in the state where you can see for well over 100 miles. Because you have no point of reference — like man-made structures — it is difficult to know how far you are from something or how big it is. This can create some interesting misperceptions.

For example, you could believe that the mountain that you are looking at is just on the other side of this hill. Once you get to the top of the hill you realize that there are really seven more hills before you get to the mountain. Because you can’t tell how big the mountain is you have no real sense of how far away it is. As you gain a greater perspective of the landscape, you gain a better sense of where you are in relationship to the mountain.

Even though you are moving forward, it feels like the mountain has moved further away because your perception of the mountain’s location has changed.

The same thing can happen when we are working on emotional issues. As we do work on the emotional issue we realize how big it really is (often much bigger than we thought it was in the first place).

As we come to these insights we ARE healing. We ARE moving closer to our goal. We’ve gained a new perspective of the issue at hand. Still, we can feel frustrated at the illusion of having lost ground. Evolving Emotional Freedom Techniques (EvEFT/EFT) can take the edge off the feeling of backsliding to allow us to deal with the issues at hand.

Here is some tapping patter you could use with this issue:

It feels like I am backsliding…every time I do some tapping it feels like it is getting worse…I keep finding more issues than I fix…it is very frustrating…if it is going to be like this I want to quit…why do I want to make things worse…but I choose to know that I really am making progress…not only am I clearing out emotional issues…I am getting a better understanding of what I’m dealing with…this isn’t fun because I’m finding things I didn’t know were there…but by finding these things I now know the areas of my self and my life that can use healing…even though it feels like I am losing ground I know I am gaining ground…with each step forward…no matter how small…I am getting closer to where I want to be…the goal has not moved…it is in the same place…I just have a clearer vision of what that goal is…making it easier for me to get there
[How to use these tapping phrases]

Journaling

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photo by Luigi Anzivino

A number of studies have indicated that the simple act of writing down what we are thinking and worrying about takes some of the charge out of the emotions. Dragging the thoughts into the light of day helps us to see what we are overreacting to and what is truly going on.

When we leave our thoughts alone in our head they have a tendency to be magnified. The mind serves as an echo chamber (especially in the middle of the night). Each time a thought or worry is bounced around it get stronger and stronger. We can combine Evolving Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT/EvEFT) with a simple task to take the charge out of our thoughts and feelings.

TYou simply set some time aside to write down everything that is bouncing around in your mind. Take the self-talk that is in your head and just let it flow. You don’t need any special journal to do this. You can even type it on the computer.

After you have done this you don’t have to save your writing. You can throw it away or just erase the computer file. The important task is to get it out of your head where it tends to be amplified.

I like to add EFT to this activity to continue to clean up the emotional charge. I do this is by opening a blank document on my computer and just letting my fingers go. I type as fast as the thoughts come to me. As this happens I start to see the things I am overreacting to, which takes some of the charge away.

After I finish typing I go back and re-read everything I have just written, tapping from point to point as I read. The emotions that have not been completely cleared out rise again while I read my own words. By tapping while reading my thought processes, I clear out even more of the emotional charge.

For the areas that have a great deal of emotional charge I read the passage two or three times while tapping.

In the process I tune in to the problem without worrying about exactly the right words to say because I’ve already produced them.

When I am done tapping I delete the file.

Our Emotions Are Illogical And Make No Sense

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Sometimes the healing process is hampered by our logical mind. We get to the point where we can name our issues, but they make no sense at all. We can logically see how things are different from what our emotions believe. This can be a very difficult point in the healing process because we realize that we can’t talk ourselves out of misguided or wrong emotional beliefs. Because we can’t logic our way out of something, we don’t know where to turn and can feel helpless in the healing process.

I am sure I drive my clients crazy be telling them over and over again, “Just because it isn’t true doesn’t mean that it isn’t real.” When we encounter these emotions that are based in ridiculous notions it is important that we acknowledge this fact.

I love the fact that Gary Craig (http://emofree.com) has always described these as the comedies of our mind. They are comedies because once they are dragged out into the light of day we can see how ridiculous they are.

But, just because they are ridiculous to us logically doesn’t mean that they aren’t still very powerful. It’s frequently helpful to allow ourselves to be comfortable with the fact that these beliefs make no sense at all.

By using Evolving Emotional Freedom Techniques (EvEFT/EFT) on the fact that our emotional beliefs exist to protect us, we gain peace and clarity about how best to take care of ourselves. When we are easy about this fact it allows us to do the healing work we want to do without the frustration of it making no sense.

The tapping patter could look like this:

These thoughts and feelings make no sense at all…logically I can clearly see how my emotions are misinterpreting the situation, myself, and the world…I know these emotions and beliefs exist because there is a part of me that is trying to take care of me…this part of me is working very hard to make sure I stay safe and whole…it just happens to be doing it in a way that is not good for me in the short or long term…I am thankful that there are parts of me willing to do whatever they can to protect me…I affirm the work of this part of me…I don’t want to fight with this illogical part of myself…because we have the same goal…getting me to heal…I now ask this part to work with me in a more effective way to help my healing…I know from time to time that I have illogical emotional thoughts…because emotions are illogical by their very nature…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I heal these illogical thoughts and emotions.
[How to use these tapping phrases]

One Issue That Is Really Three or Four Issues

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I am dealing with homework issues and tantrums with my 8 year-old daughter. Parenting her really takes all my energy. It seems I spend more time battling with her than enjoying her. How can I approach this issue?


photo by Kathryn Rotondo

Sometimes when we face a situation it looks like one issue, because it is one situation, but in reality it’s more than one issue. At first it might seem daunting to break the issue down into smaller parts because it appears to require more work, but I have found it helpful to break the situation down into smaller, more manageable parts.

Evolving Emotional Freedom Techniques (EvEFT/EFT) is even more powerful when we are dealing with small partsbecause we see progress faster, and that progress encourages us to do more.

Here is a very simple way to break down a problem into smaller issues. I will use the example in the question to demonstrate each part.

What in the situation is worthy of giving thanks for?
I love starting from a point of view of gratitude. Often when we are dealing with what we don’t like in a situation we forget all of the blessings that are present.

In this case the question clearly states the parent actively wants to appreciate the daughter. So the first thing I would do is tap on all the wonderful things about the daughter and spending time with the daughter:

I am really blessed to have such a wonderful daughter…she has so much spirit…I know the time we have together is short…she will be grown up before I know it…with that in mind I am going to savor each moment I have with her…even those moments of struggle are a blessing…because we get to share them together…I give myself permission to enjoy this moment and my daughter…even in the middle of this struggle…I am lucky and blessed to have my daughter

Simply naming the good in a situation lessens the emotional charge and gives us a clearer vision of what the root issue(s) is.

What are the emotions I am dealing with?
The second step is to consider, and list, all of the emotions you are feeling. In this case the list might look like:

  • Frustrated she is not doing what she needs to do
  • Tired of all the battling
  • Wanting to do fun stuff with my daughter
  • Wishing I was doing something else I enjoyed

And the list could go on
After you have created the list, ask why you feel that way. This will give you insight on what to tap on. Take each emotion one at a time and tap on them. Don’t be surprised that as you clear one emotion you clear the others as well.

Are there other actors in the situation that I could surrogately tap for?
The last step is to look at the other actors in the situation. Are there issues you could tap on for them? In this case the daughter is obviously resisting doing the homework. As a parent you would have special insight into why she might be resisting. She could be fearing failure, just being 8 and wanting to do something else, not enjoying it because she is not very good at it, or is worried she is going to fail and let you down.

Just take a deep breath and tune into the other actors. Guess why they are having such a hard time in the situation. You don’t need the special connection of a parent and child to do this. When we put aside our own emotional baggage about a situation it’s easy to guess what others are struggling with.

Once you have a guess about what the other person is struggling with, you can spend some time tapping on those issues for them. This will do two things. First, it will give you perspective on what they are going through. This might change your understanding of the situation, clearing some of your emotional charge. Second, it might make a difference in their life, the way surrogate tapping has been reported to make changes for others.

The Process
The steps aren’t very complicated. When you are facing a big problem break it down into three chucks.

  • What can I be thankful for?
  • What am I struggling with?
  • What might they be struggling with?

By doing this we will resolve the issues in smaller and more manageable pieces.

Getting Back To That Session That Was So Powerful

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photo by Meredith Farmer

Occasionally we have unusually powerful Evolving Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT/EvEFT) sessions. When we sit down later to tap, we wish there was a way to recapture the healing aspects of that session or continue to work on those issues. It is much easier to do than one would think.

There are times when I can relate to the issue my client is bringing up, so while they tap on their issue, I get to tap on my issue at the same time. There are other times when I can feel in my body what my client is feeling and we get a chance to tap on the issue together.

Recently I had an amazing experience with a client that was completely different from either of these. We were about 40 minutes into a session and were tapping on an issue that I had no particular relationship to. Very suddenly, I started yawning uncontrollably.
In this sort of energy work yawning is generally a sign of releasing energetic blocks, but I have never been in a circumstance where I yawned 30 times in a row. It was amazing, and afterwards I felt great. A huge burden that I had been working on for a number of weeks was released.

A few days later I wanted to tap back into this experience because I knew more needed to be done. As I tapped I just started thinking about the previous session, and once again the yawns starting coming fast and furious.

I was able to tap for three straight minutes thinking only of that last session, and the yawns didn’t stop. At that point I had finished the work I could do at that time.

As I thought about this experience, it wasn’t a great surprise. One of the things we do in hypnosis work is place a post-hypnotic suggestion allowing us to return instantly to the issue we are working on. This prevents us from having to do all the work of getting to the same point in the next session.

This works equally well with EFT. If you have worked on an issue before and had a great level of success, all you need do is tune into that tapping session and start tapping again. You can pick up right where you left off working before.