Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

What words and phrases do I use? AKA: I don’t know what to say! (part 3)

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When I was working with the person who taught me EFT, it worked great. Now that I’m working on my own, I don’t know what phrases to use. Do you have any suggestions?

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is different from most protocols in its flexibility. There is not just one way to do it. What works on one problem might be less effective on the next. What works for one person is not going to work as well on the next. This is particularly true with the words and phrases we say.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the question, “Are these the right words?”

The problem is that’s the wrong question. When I say wrong, I mean that it’s not a helpful question.

There are no right or wrong words with EFT. The words we use are not magical. They are useful only insofar as they help us to stay focused on the issue we want to resolve. Just saying words out loud doesn’t mean that we’re focused on what those words mean.

On more than one occasion I’ve been in church saying the creed with the rest of the congregation. The words are just coming out of my mouth as my mind wanders to what I want to do with my afternoon. All of a sudden I snap back into the moment and I have no idea where we are in the prayer. I’ve been on autopilot. Words have been coming out of my mouth, but they mean nothing to me.

In the same fashion, I can be saying, “This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…” and be thinking of anything but my knee.

Also, it’s possible for me to tune into the pain in my knee without ever saying those words out loud.

Often when my clients are dealing with something that is very emotional, rating a 9 or 10, I don’t have them say anything out loud. To start, they can just tap. If they are at a 9 or 10 they are fully tuned in to the emotion. As the emotional level comes down, we start using reminder phrases to stay focused.

The key take away is this: It’s more important to remember why we use the reminder phrase than how to do the reminder phrase. If you remember its purpose, to keep us focused, then you can say anything you want while tapping, as long as it keeps you focused on the issue at hand.

For example, I’ve worked with clients who have an issue with a person I also know. The client doesn’t want to put me in the middle of the dispute. When they are tapping I have them say, “This anger at old what’s his name because he stabbed me in the back.”

In this example my client knows who “old what’s his name” is. By using that phrase, they are tuned in to the issue, and I never have to know who the issue is with.

Here are a few guidelines for choosing phrases:

1) Keep it simple. Using the phase, “this pain in my knee,” is powerful enough. You don’t have to get any more sophisticated that that.

2) Be as specific as possible. Before you start tapping on “this pain in my knee,” make sure you think about the pain in your knee. Ask the question listed in EFT 102: Tune In – (Physical Pain) to get a really good idea of what it feels like. You can even use those words:

This pain in my knee…That feels red…And is the shape of a rod…That feels like it is made of fire

These descriptive words will help you tune in.

3) For an emotion, just tell the story of what happened.

My boss came in at the end of the day to give me extra work…I needed to get home to help my wife…It was so inconsiderate…I can’t help it if he can’t get his work done on time…It’s unfair that he’s heaping it on me…It really made me mad…It hurts that he doesn’t think my time is as important is his

And so on. It’s as simple as telling the story. State the facts and state how they make you feel.

4) Break the issue down to the smallest pieces possible. The easiest way to do this is to keep asking why.

I’m mad at my roommate…Why are you mad?…The kitchen is a mess….Why does this make you mad?…Because it feels like I live in a pigsty….Why does living in a pigsty make you mad?…Because my friends see it when they come over….Why does it make you mad that your friends might think you live in a pigsty?…Because they think I’m irresponsible.

Being mad because the kitchen is dirty and being mad because it makes me look bad are very different things. Get specific. You can now tap on, “When my roommate makes our place a mess I ‘m afraid that others are going to judge me.”

5) If you don’t know what to say, tap on that.

I don’t know what to say…I’m afraid I’m going to use the wrong words…I’m worried this is a waste of time…But I know you really can’t do this wrong…Even if I have no progress I’m only going to waste one minute of time…There really is no penalty for doing it wrong…I give myself permission to try. [How to use these tapping phrases]

Then give it a shot. You will find the right words.

It’s all better! Should I keep using EFT on it?

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Should you keep tapping on the same issue day after day? If you’re doing okay without tapping, should you continue tapping on the same issue? For how long?


photo by TeeJe

That depends; all things with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) seem to be situational.

Here are a few things to consider:

Is it an issue that needs regular maintenance? For example, even when our teeth are healthy, we brush them every day because we are always adding things to our mouths that could create future decay. Is the issue something that has contributing factors every day? For example, you might have an issue with a frustrating boss. If he does things every day that might continue to frustrate you, then it might be good to tap every day on that issue.

Are you worried it’s going to come back? If you’re worried about something coming back, tap on the worry you have about the issue coming back.

(Even thought I have found healing, I’m afraid that it’s only temporary and it might come back.)

If you have no current issue but want to make sure it stays that way, tap in thanksgiving for your healing

I am so happy that my body has healed itself. I give thanks for the fact that my body has realized it no longer needs to hold onto these feelings. I am thankful for the fact that my body can heal itself in so many amazing ways.

If it’s a really big issue, it might be worth a few minutes of tapping each day, just to keep it at bay. Tapping is like wearing a seat belt. It doesn’t take much effort to do. You might only need it once in a million times, but you’re thankful the one time you need it. Err on the side of caution. Take three minutes each day to tap on the issue. If the issue is really big, it’s worth three minutes a day.

Stop tapping on it. Maybe you are done, BUT keep an eye out for any symptoms that may creep back. Keep checking in on the issue. The instant a hint of it comes back, go after it again. It’s always easier to deal with a small issue than a big one.

I don’t believe the words I say while doing EFT!

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I don’t believe some of the things I say when I tap. Does that matter?

For us to do work on any thought/emotion we need to bring it into our thought field (meaning we are feeling or thinking it) at the moment we are tapping. That might be a little bit of a confusing statement, so let’s think of it in terms of the analogy of washing dishes.

The only place we can wash our dirty dishes effectively is in the kitchen sink. We have dirty dishes all over the house. They can be by the TV from watching football last night, on the kitchen table from lunch today, and on the counter by the sink. We can know where all the dishes are, but until they get into the sink, we can’t wash them.

It doesn’t matter how those dishes get into the sink. It only matters that they get there. We can put them in the sink, or someone else can put them in the sink. Once they are in the sink we can start cleaning.

When we are doing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) we have to do the same thing. We need to get the thought, the physical pain, or the emotion into the “sink” before we can clean it. We can know intellectually what our issues are, but we can’t do anything about them until they are in the “sink”. Our “sink” is our thought field, meaning once we are feeling the emotion it is in our thought field.

Let’s suppose the following. I know my boss treated me badly at work today, but until I play the memory back as a movie in my head and really start to feel my rage, I haven’t moved this memory into my thought field (”sink”). Once I have done this, I can start doing EFT to get relief.

With that as background it brings us to the question of what words work best. The words that we say are not magic. They are only important in that they help us get what we want to work on into our thought field (get the dishes into the sink). Just like getting the dishes to the sink, it doesn’t matter how they get there. All that matters is that they get there.

Let’s say I want to improve up my self-esteem when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. In order to do any work in this area I need to bring the feeling of discomfort talking to a woman into my thought field. I have two options for doing this.

First, I could go right at the issue and tap like this:

“I am such a moron.
I can’t talk to women,
I always sound like a fool.
They think I am so stupid.
They wish I would leave them alone, because I’m wasting their time.”

This is a very simple direct approach to the problem.

Or I could take a second tack. I can instead take advantage of the little voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough. Please note what the voice in my head does.
“I am a funny guy.
[voice in head: No, you are not.]
I am a charming conversationalist and people love talking to me.
[VIH: No you’re not. You sound like a fool talking to others. You never know the right thing to say.]
I am going to walk up to someone new tonight and just start chatting.
[VIH: No, you are going to be a sweaty mess and chicken out.]”
[How to use these tapping phrases]

In this instance, I didn’t believe a single thing I said out loud, but the voice in my head brought up all the stuff that needed to be cleared.

Both approaches brought the dirty dishes to the sink. In the second case, by saying things I didn't believe the little voice in my head brought the emotions that needed to be cleaned up into the thought field.

For anther example of this approach, see I don't know what to say! (part 1)

Doing It All Wrong

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I’m having trouble getting started with EFT. It’s almost like I have a fear that I will do it wrong. Any suggestions?

This questions was written in response to the article  Fear of fear, where I talked about clients who have a hard time starting because they are afraid of the emotions they may stir up by thinking about them in detail.

Along with fear of stirring up too many emotions, a very common worry about doing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is the fear of doing wrong. I hear this often from my clients.

At the end of every session I give my clients homework. This enables them to make progress until our next session. One of the reasons

I love EFT is it empowers the client to do self care. They don’t have to be dependent on a practitioner to make progress.

To begin the next session, I check to see how much homework they did. Often, when they haven’t done much work on their own, it’s because they’re worried they can’t do it right.

When I am confronted with this circumstance I do two things.

First, I explain there are no known side-effects to doing EFT . It only takes 10 minutes to try. The worst thing that can happen is you waste a little time. If you do EFT in a private place no one will ever know you didn’t do it well.

All of this is true, but I know that even when I have the facts before me, if there is an emotional root explaining why it still might not work out, I won’t try.

Therefore, the second thing I do is ask why they are worried about doing it wrong. Some common responses are:

  • If it doesn’t work, it means EFT isn’t real, and I’m afraid to give up hope of getting over the things I’m struggling with
  • You do it so easily; I’m afraid to fail at something that is so simple
  • If it doesn’t work now, it means all the progress we’ve already made isn’t real
  • It’s been a long time since I learned something new, and I don’t like the feeling of uncertainty.
  • I don’t understand why it works, so there is no way I can do it right
  • If I get better, how am I going to explain the progress to my loved ones? They will think I lost my mind when I tell them it was from tapping.

So what we do is tap on these issues of worry. I encourage all my clients who struggle just to get started to begin each session they do on their with something like this until they are more comfortable

I’m having a hard time tapping on my own…I don’t know if it really works…I have failed when I tried in the past…I don’t know if I am going to do it right…Gene makes it seem so easy…But, I don’t know what to say. It is really hard to come up with all those words…It has been so long since I have tried something new. I don’t like feeling like a novice…But I understand the only way I can get better is if I try…There is nothing in my life I learned to do perfectly on the first try. …Today I take driving for granted, but it took time to learn…I walk without even thinking about it, and that took months to learn…I give myself permission to be okay with not being very good at this…Each time I do EFT I will do better…I know there are people out there who have experience, and I can ask them for help…They were novices at one point too…For the next 30 minutes I give myself permission to be really bad at this…I give myself permission to make lots of mistakes…Because I know it is in the mistakes that I am going to learn and get better…And because I can’t hurt myself by trying…Assuming I don’t poke out my own eye…The only thing I might do is waste 30 minutes…There are lots of times in my life where I have wasted 30 minutes on a TV program…I can try this for 30 minutes…I know it is best for me just to give it a try…I am doing this work in private, so no one will know I’m doing this…If I do it wrong, no one will know I didn’t do it right…I know there is a possibility that EFT might not work on this issue this time…But that doesn’t mean EFT doesn’t work…It doesn’t mean that EFT doesn’t work for me…It only means that it is not working for me this time…EFT has worked in the past for lots of people…EFT will continue to work…If it doesn’t work now for me I have learned what not to do…I have an experience I can explain to someone who is more experienced…This feedback will help them to help me…I know there are lots of people I can ask for help…That’s one of the great things about people who do EFT — they want to help others…If all else fails, I can email EFT Q & A for help…I am not alone in doing this…And I am allowed to try again and again with EFT. [How to use these tapping phrases]

One final note: Yes, it is ironic that people who are afraid to tap on their own are willing to tap on not being able to tap. I wish I could explain it. I just know people are willing to try, and it works.

Moron!

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My boss is a moron. He makes my life miserable. I’ve tapped on the issue, but it’s not getting any better. What can I do?


photo by redteam

Before we decide how to deal with this problem, I need to explain how to use truth phrases.

I’m a big fan of using truth phrases when working with emotional issues. With truth phrases we rate how true we think a phrase is. These phrases differ from the standard rating of intensity.

For example, with the phrase, “How angry do you feel?” we are rating the intensity of the anger. With the phrase, “I get angry when my partner doesn’t listen to me,” we are rating how true this statement sounds, 10 being completely true and 0 not being true at all.

At first, rating how true a phrase is can be a little tricky. Just remember how odd it felt to rate anger on a scale of 0 to 10. There is a reason we call the scale “SUBJECTIVE” units of distress. It’s just a benchmark to see if progress has been made. It’s more an art than a science.

Truth phrases can be very helpful because they incorporate what we feel (anger) and why we feel it (because my partner doesn’t listen). When we know what the emotion is and why it’s there, we are more likely to be tuned into the core issue of the emotion. The closer we are to the core, the more effective our work is going to be.

Examples of truth phrases are:

When I’m worried I eat to soothe myself.

I feel unvalued when my voice isn’t heard.

I’m worried because I don’t think I’ve done enough work for tomorrow’s meeting.

I’m sad my family doesn’t care about the work I do.

I’m angry that our government is so corrupt.

For truth phrases to be effective we need to have both parts of the phrase. We need to state what emotion we feel and what the causes of the emotion are.

Note: Many times we have no control over what is happening around us. Whether people refuse to hear us, whether they don’t care about our work or that our government is corrupt, we may just have to live with these facts. It would be great to believe that someday our family is going to be as passionate about our work as we are, but we have no control over the emotions of others. Usually all we can change is our emotional response to these states of the world.

A common mistake with truth statements is that we forget to add our emotional response, tapping only on the state of the world.
For example, the statement “My boss is a moron!” might rate as a 10, but no matter how much tapping we do, our boss is not going to get any smarter. This phrase is not properly structured because it’s missing the emotional response.

A more useful phrase is, “I’m very frustrated because my boss is a moron.” When this rates as a 10, we can then investigate why this is frustrating. (e.g., it creates more work. We look bad to the rest of the company. I have to do his tasks over after he messed them up).

As we tap and make progress on the reasons that cause frustration, we can come back to retest “I’m very frustrated because my boss is a moron.” Once this statement no longer feels true, we know we’ve done what we can. Our boss is still a moron, but this is no longer emotionally controlling our lives.