Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Why do I have to tap? (part 1 of 3)

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Why is it that fretting, stewing, or worrying about an issue consciously doesn’t dissolve the emotions, but tapping while expressing it does?


photo by Alessandro

This thoughtful question is about many topics at once. Embedded in this question is:

  • Why and how do emotions, memories, and issues affect us emotionally and influence the choices we make?
  • Why is tapping necessary to make a change?
  • Is it important to have the intention of healing while tapping?

In this three-part series we examine each of these questions fully. In part 1 we will look at how we store memories as models, what happens when we remember, and how this influences the choices we make. In part 2 we will look at why just thinking about an issue doesn’t bring about change, but tapping will. In part 3 we will examine if we need to have the intention of healing while tapping in order for Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to work.

How we store information as models
The world is a complicated place. At any given moment we are processing upwards of four million pieces of information coming in through all of our senses. Our brains are very powerful when it comes to handling all of this information. But even with all of this power it would be very cumbersome to process every piece of data we experience as something completely new.

Imagine what it would be like to treat every new tree you saw as a new experience. It would be a large green thing (often much larger than ourselves) that would be shaking. This could be very scary. In order to prevent this the mind creates models of the information we experience in the world to help us more quickly assess what we are encountering.

Having these models, we don’t have to analyze how everything in our experience works. For example, when a server places a glass of ice water in front of me at a café, I assume the water is going to be cold. I’ve experienced many glasses of water. Seeing ice cubes in the glass, I assume the water is cold. As I bring the glass to my mouth I don’t worry about burning my tongue. Because of the models I hold about water, ice, and cafés, I don’t give the water much thought.

Is it possible that the water is going to be lukewarm? Sure, but that is only disappointing, not dangerous. Is it possible that the water is scalding hot? It is possible, but very unlikely. For me to be served boiling hot water with ice in it at a restaurant would require the hot water to be served the moment the ice was placed in the cup. It would also require the server to be trying to trick me. Even though it is possible, it is so unlikely that I don’t have to worry about it.

In this case of being served a glass of ice water, I hold the following models:

  • Ice is cold
  • When ice is placed in a liquid it cools that liquid
  • It is typical to be served a glass of cold water in a café or restaurant
  • I am expecting the water to be cold and the server wants to meet my expectation to insure a good tip

Because of these models I can bring the glass of water to my mouth without giving it much thought. My brain has been spared a great deal of processing time by not having to examine every part of the experience.

The way the brain models information is a very simple concept. It might even be very obvious concept, but it is important to know how it works.

When our models of the world DON'T serve us
As powerful as modeling information is to save the brain processing time, there is a flaw in this system. When we have inaccurate or incomplete models of a situation, use of the model works against us. Let’s look at an example of how this might happen.

Let’s pretend that as I write this, a mouse runs by where I’m sitting. Without even thinking about it I jump up on the table and start screaming like a five-year-old. In this scenario I haven’t given what has happened much thought. My mind worked very quickly. It has assessed the situation, applied the models I have, and reacted.

The models I have about mice are built upon my past experience. Unfortunately, when I was six years old, my brother threw a mouse into my sleeping bag when we were camping. It was dark. I was already worried about bears that had been sighted in the campgrounds the night before. Suddenly I felt an animal on my legs, causing me terror and panic.

Because of this past experience, my model of mice includes all the fear and anxiety of that night. Therefore my model of mice says they are deadly creatures, I’m not safe, and I need to run for my life.

The model has done its job. My model of mice was applied to the current experience and I acted without having to think. However, since mice aren’t deadly creatures, my model is inaccurate and has served me poorly.

EFT and Models
Now that we understand how we model information from our past and how we use these models to inform our choices, we can start to look at how EFT fits into this. EFT helps us make changes to incomplete and inaccurate models. In part 2 of this series we will look at how EFT does change these models and why simply worrying and fretting about them is not enough.

Why do I have to tap? (part 2 of 3)
 Why do I have to tap? (part 3 of 3)

When Healing Has Consequences

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I am in talk therapy and I do my EFT. I think I have been not succeeding/just barely making it, because I am worried my mother is going to take credit for my success (just like she did when I was younger). I’m stuck, and I’m not sure that I want to be unstuck because of this fear. Any suggestions?

I have always felt the reason we as humans are different from other animals is our amazing ability to hold two completely contradictory thoughts in our heads at the same time and think both thoughts are true.

The place I see this most with my clients (and sometimes in myself) is when they want to heal some part of their life, but at the same time they think there is going to be a penalty for healing.

Some of the most recent reasons I have encountered:

  • If I get over this fear of public speaking then they’ll expect me to speak more.
  • If I get better others are going take credit for my progress.
  • Others are going to be jealous of my progress.
  • Even if I make progress I’m going to backslide again, and that sort of failure will be devastating.
  • People only give me attention to help me with my problem. If my problem goes away no one will pay attention to me.
  • If I get over my heartbreak for him, then I’ll have to face the fact that there is no else out there for me.

When we have beliefs like these it is very difficult for us to heal because part of us believes healing is bad for us. In such cases there are two steps I normally take with clients before we start attacking the main issue.

The first step is to go after any sort of resistance to change. I have found this is a good thing to do before all EFT sessions.

Even though I worry that my mother is going to take credit for my progress I love and accept myself…Even though my mother always takes credit for all my progress I give myself permission to heal…It doesn’t matter if my mother takes credit for my progress; the most important thing is that I am healing…Even if my mother takes credit for my progress, I know in my heart I am the root of all my healing and progress…It’s more important that I heal than it is to worry about whether my mother is going to take credit for my progress…I don’t care if my mother takes credit for my progress…I’m worried other people are going to think I am not strong enough to take care of myself, and this is just one more time in which I needed my mother to bail me out…I give myself permission to heal regardless of what other people are going to say and do…I deserve to heal, regardless of how others are going to act…

After doing this sort of tapping Anne realized it was still a possibility that her mother was going to try and take credit for her progress, but it no longer affected her emotionally. With this fear gone we were able to attack the problem she had visited me for.
If you know there is an area of your life you need to work on, but you feel apprehensive about doing the work:

  • Spend a little time tapping around any resistance you have about the change.
  • Ask the question, “If I make this change, what new problems will it add to my life?” This is a great way to identify any of the penalties you might have for healing. Tap on these issues.

By taking these two steps we can move from fear of healing to enthusiasm about healing.

Permission to Heal

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Why do you use the phrase “I give myself permission” so much in your EFT phrases?


photo by Matthew Fang

I use this phrase because we don’t often feel like we deserve the things we actually do deserve. In that case, something in us is likely to resist that healing. The most common resistance to this healing is a feeling of not being worthy of the change. The feeling of unworthiness generally takes two forms.

The first is the feeling of not being worthy of healing from something that already exists. “You deserve the pain you have. You’re being punished. You shouldn’t ask for better. This is as good as it’s going to get.”
The second feeling is of not being worthy of better in the future. “Who are you to think you should have a better job…better life…more pay…doing work you love…lose weight…find the partner of your dreams? You already have too much. You shouldn’t ask for more.

There are people with far less than you have. You’re being greedy. Only good people deserve more, and you are not good.”

These are very powerful thoughts and beliefs that can imprison us for years. These feelings often make it difficult even to get the strength to do any sort of change work. This is the reason the phase “I give myself permission to…” is so powerful. It speaks directly to the part of us that doesn’t feel it is allowed to change because it isn’t worthy enough to deserve change.

The idea of permission is very powerful. I often tell my clients “I give you permission to change your life for the better, and you are allowed to give yourself permission as well.” Just by having someone else tell us it’s okay, we suddenly feel like it really is okay. I have even gone as far as to write some clients notes (just like we use to get from mom and dad for getting out of school) to give them permission to change their lives.

It is a very easy thing to incorporate into your tapping routine. Any area you want to change just add, “I give myself permission to…” as you tap.

How To Kill Craving

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I have decided (once again) that I need to cut caffeine out of my diet. In the past I have given it up cold turkey but have ended up with withdrawal headaches. Is there a way that I can use EFT to help me kick the caffeine habit in a pain-free way?

I get questions about craving management all the time. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for dealing with any sort of craving (sweets, cigarettes, caffeine, or any thing you absolutely must have right now).

There are four basic steps to killing a craving. They are: eliminating resistance to changing behaviors; stopping the craving; managing withdrawal symptoms (if they exists); and taking steps to insure long-term success.

Resistance to Change
Often when we want to make a change there is a part of us that doesn’t want to change. It might be because we don’t know how life is going to look after a change, it might be because we are worried we are going to lose something we need by changing, or it could be both.

Sometimes there are side-effects to changing the foods and beverages we consume. Because we have eaten or drunk something regularly in the past, the body becomes used to — and often dependent upon — these substances. When we remove these from our diets it can take the body some time to transition.

For example, headaches are the most common side-effect of removing caffeine from our diet. Because we know side-effects are possible, we can resist making the change we want to make. I have found it very helpful to deal with the resistance to change whenever we are going to make a change in our lives.

Once you make the decision to change something in your diet you should take time daily to tap away any resistance to change. You can do it first thing in the morning to set your day up for success. It can be done in one or two rounds of tapping, which takes less than three minutes.

I really want to make this change….It’s the best choice for my health…I’m afraid that if I quit drinking coffee I won’t be able to get up in the morning…But I choose to know that once my body is no long dependant on the caffeine I will be able to wake up without it…I’m afraid that if I quit drinking coffee I will have withdrawal headaches…But I choose to know if I do have any sort of withdrawal symptom like headaches I can tap those away as well….I want to thank any part of me that is resistant to this change….I know it is resisting because it is uncertain how life will look after the change…It’s resisting change because it is trying to protect me from an uncertain future…But I know this change is best for me…I give myself permission to change.

Killing The Craving
Getting rid of cravings with EFT is a very easy task and can usually be done in a round or two of tapping. We deal with craving in the same fashion we deal with any other physical symptom. Tune in to the intensity and tap it away.

When a craving begins to build up, ask yourself “Zero to ten, how large is the craving?” After you have the SUDs level simply tap:

This craving for coffee

This craving for coffee

This craving for coffee

[How to use these tapping phrases]

After a round or two of tapping, re-rate the level of intensity. If there is still some craving left, do another round of tapping.

In my experience it usually only takes two (three at the most) rounds of tapping to lower the craving enough to insure that I make a good choice.

Withdrawal Symptoms
There can be withdrawal symptoms when we change our diets in any way. In this case we simply go after the symptoms themselves. If you need a refresher on how to deal with physical symptoms, check out Learn EFT – EFT 102: Step One – Tune in and Rate – (Physical Issue).

Planning For Success
Whenever we want to make a change in our lives, we would like it to happen right now. I know I wish I could simply snap my fingers and change my habits. This is very difficult to do.

The way our brains are wired, it takes us 14 to 21 days to create a new habit. This means for the first two to three weeks of creating a new habit we are working from will power alone. This is the reason New Year’s Resolutions often fail.

The easiest solution I have found to this problem is to make changes in very small steps. My favorite example of this was of the man who wanted to change his habit of eating lunch at McDonald’s every day. Instead of giving up fast food cold turkey he did it slowly. On the first day, before he ate his lunch he threw away one french fry. On the second day he threw away two. Then three. Then four. Before he knew it, he was eating a healthy lunch. The trick was to creep into it.

When giving up something we crave, we can take the same approach. Let’s take giving up coffee as an example. For the first week, eliminate drinking coffee after 6pm. You can drink your regular amount of coffee until 6 p.m., but every time you crave coffee after 6 p.m., you will tap the craving away instead of drinking coffee.

During week two, don’t drink coffee after 3 p.m. Again, you can drink your regular amount until 3 p.m., but nothing after. The next week move the cut-off time to noon. In the fourth week the cut-off time is 9 a.m.

In five weeks you will be coffee-free.

I don’t know where to start.

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What do I tap on when I don’t know what to tap on?

I've heard the same story from many clients. “I've tried Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) a few times with someone who knows what they are doing. I have seen great results and I'm very excited, but now that I'm on my own I don't know were to start.”

Here are four easy suggestions for starting points when you don't what to tap on.

I Don't Know
I don’t like feeling lost. I don’t like feeling inadequate. I really don’t like the feeling of not knowing what I’m doing.

It is very easy to want to avoid tapping because you don’t know what you’re doing. Not knowing what to tap on is a great place to start.

I have no idea what I’m doing…This is all new to me…I am a little uncomfortable because I really don’t know what I’m doing…When I was working with someone else it was so easy…But they were experienced and I am not…And I don’t even know what I’m supposed to tap on…I’m not sure how to tune into or rate an issue…I feel like I’m just going to be wasting my time…Maybe my body or subconscious mind knows what I am supposed to be tapping on.

Tapping on this for a little while will make you more comfortable continuing this new technique. Also, after doing this sort of tapping, tune in to see if any specific issues have arisen.

Resistance to Change
Often we are resistant to change of any type, even if it’s change for health and well-being. Change means different and new. Change means unexpected.

It’s common for us to cling to what is in our life because we know how to manage it, even if we don’t like it. Sometimes the trouble we know is better than the trouble we don’t know. This might be pain, but we know how to manage this pain.

I have learned the importance of clearing any resistance to change before any major tapping from Maria and Ted Robinson. 

Even though there might be some resistance to change, I love and accept myself…It is possible there is part of me that doesn’t really want to change because it’s worried about what I will become…I give myself permission to heal and change…Change might be hard, but it can be very good…I let go of any resistance to change that I have…I let go of any fear that I have about what this change might mean for me. [How to use these tapping phrases]

By clearing the resistance to change, we clear out any thoughts or fears that are preventing us from tuning into the issue we really want to be working on.

Pain in Body
We all want to feel better physically. We move through each and every day with small aches and pains. Because of everything we need to get done we generally don’t give them much thought. We just push through.

A great way to start any tapping session is to start with what your body is feeling right now. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. After you have relaxed a little, just notice any aches, pains, or stiffness in the body.

Then one at a time, work your way through each of these pains.

If you want guidance on how to tap for physical pain, check out: Learn EFT – EFT 102: Step One – Tune in and Rate – (Physical Issue)

The Last Few Days
Sometimes we don’t have a huge pressing emotional issue. Or sometimes we might just not have the energy to dive into a large emotional issue.

Even when we don’t attack something big, most of us have had things happen in the last few days that have rubbed us the wrong way or have caused us a little anxiety.

Every time we have feelings that are away from health and well being or when we have a disproportionate emotional response it gives us an opportunity to do some work.

Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Think back over the last 48 to 72 hours. What events cause discomfort? These don’t have to register a 7 or 8 on the SUDs scale. Just notice anything at all. On a piece of paper make a list of these issues. Then one at a time tap them away.