Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

When thinking of the problem is too much

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I want to do EFT for a major issue in my life, but somehow I always find an excuse not to do EFT. I know it will help me. I do want to get over this, but it just doesn’t happen. What can I do?


photo by (Erik)

I have been teaching people Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) for a number of years.

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern. Certain people learn to use EFT, see the benefit of it in their lives, and yet have decided it’s not for them.

At first I took this as some sort of failure on my part. I thought, “I must have done something to turn them off to this very powerful tool.”

My point of view changed while working with a friend. Someone in her life had been hurt in a very violent way. The loved one was hundreds of miles away. She was disappointed in herself for not being able to stop it from happening, she was sad for the attack, she was scared that her loved one was not going to seek the attention she needed out of fear, she felt helpless from such a great distance, and she worried it would happen again. These were just a few of the emotions racing through her head.

We agreed that I would come over in a few days so we could do some work. When I got to her place we talked about everything in the world, except what I had come for. This continued for almost 45 minutes. Finally I said, “Do you want to do this or not?”

I wasn’t frustrated or angry; I was giving her an out. Sometimes people feel safer having these types of conversations with a paid professional rather than a close friend.

She hemmed and hawed as she tried not to answer.

So I asked, “Why are you afraid to do the work?”

“Because it’s going to hurt. I know how raw my emotions are right now. I feel like I’ve let my loved one down. I don’t want to wander into that pain.”

All of that was fair. I asked her, “How large are all the emotions you’re feeling?” (This was for the emotions around her loved one plus the emotions around her fear of having to get into the problem).

With her hands she showed something about the size of a beach ball.

We did some work on her fear of what we might uncover and how much it was going to hurt to dive into the emotions of the circumstance.
I then asked her how much emotion was left (in all areas). She gestured to show something about 30% of the size of the original.

This was a useful insight for me. She was more emotional about her reaction to the incident than she was about the incident itself.

Later, as I reflected on this, it brought to mind all of the people — myself included — who avoided doing work in some area of our lives because we were afraid of what we’d uncover about ourselves.

The belief is, “The crap I know right now is better than the crap around the corner. Sure, my life isn’t perfect right now, but I can manage the pain and disappointment I am facing now. If I go looking to change my life, who knows what I’ll stir up.”

This is not an indictment for not wanting to look under the bed to see what’s really under there. The beauty of free will is that we choose who we want to be. There are outcomes and consequences to those choices. Our decision to face or not face the ideas we have, about ourselves and the world, that hold us back determines whether our lives change. And for better or worse that is our prerogative.

I have just found that in the long run it’s better to get out the flashlight and face whatever is hiding under the bed, no matter how scary it is at the time.

When We Don’t Know The Root Cause Of An Emotion

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My 11-year-old daughter has suddenly developed a fear of school. She has previously been very, very happy there, and can’t give a reason for feeling like this. She really wants to go but feels she can’t, and doesn’t know why. Any ideas?


photo by Martin LaBar

Obviously, with so little information, there is no real way to answer this question. A whole host of reasons could be contributing to this fear. The reasons might involve the classroom, the play ground, or problems with other students or schoolwork.

What we can do is talk about how we approach any emotional response where the cause is entirely unknown.

There are two basic courses we can take. I would recommend taking both of them at the same time. They are to 1) deal with the emotions in the moment and 2) investigate to find the root of the emotions. This way we cope with the short-term fear and try to find the roots of the fear so there won’t be the same response in the future.

The Emotion Right Now
One of the blessings of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is that we are able to use it right now for the emotions we are feeling in this moment. In this case I recommend two things.

First, I recommend tapping before bedtime on the fear about going to school the next day. If the fear is large enough it will be present the night before. It is good to deal with this at bedtime because this fear is going to affect her sleep.

Second, I recommend spending tapping in the morning before heading out the door to school or even on the ride to school.

In both cases the tapping is very simple. I would have her explain to me how the fear feels, how her body feels, and what she’s worried about. I wouldn’t use any complicated tapping phrases. I would have her tell me what is going on in her body and in her head while she taps.

Investigating the Roots
With the immediate fear under a little more control we can start looking around for the root cause. When working with a client I would use all the information about them and their history as a start. In this case I know nothing more than she is 11 years old. With that in mind I would start by asking questions around the common reasons an 11-year-old wouldn’t want to go to school.

My questions would be something like this.
1) Why does she feel like she can’t go?
It sounds like the questions has been asked, but it’s a good place to start every time. Often people — not just kids — have a hard time admitting why they are afraid. By asking again they might give an answer they didn’t before.

2) What could go wrong if she does go to school?
Fear usually involves not wanting to experience a bad outcome. They might be able to name the outcome they fear and not associate that with the fear itself.

3) This feeling of not wanting to go to school, what does it remind her of?
This is a classic EFT investigation question. When you don’t know the root, see what it reminds you of. Lots of information can be found here.

4) If she could change one thing about school, what would it be?
Sometimes we don’t want to say what we fear, but we are willing to say what we would like to see different. Fear is often associated with weakness. We don’t like to share why we are fearful. This question lets us answer without looking weak.

5) If she could go to a new school, how would the new school be different from her old school?
This is very much like the last question. By giving them a chance to say what they do want, we give them a way of not saying what they don’t want or fear.

6) If she could go to school tomorrow and know one person was not going to be there, who would she want that person to be?
No one likes to be a tattletale. Also for kids there might be fear of retaliation for turning a bully in. This way they don’t have to tell on someone else and yet are free to state their needs.

7) When she is not at school, what does she think the other students say about her?
People, not just kids, can be ruthless. We don’t like to be places where we’re being picked on, but again we don’t like to be tattletales. By asking the question in this fashion we are not asking her to tell on anyone. Instead, she is pretending what they might say. This is a safe way to share what she fears.

Obviously this is just a start, but I think it’s a good start. We can’t help but get closer to the roots.

It is important to remember that with EFT we always have two plans of attack. We can always deal with what we feel right now. Then we can deal with the roots of the emotions. If we can find our way in with both courses, then we should use them. We’re not helpless just because we don’t know the root. We can always reduce or resolve the immediate problem until we get to the root of the issue.

Hope for the Future

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For some reason I have very little hope for the future.  I just can see anything working out.  I think EFT can be helpful, but there is so much going on I can't seem to find the core issues.  Do you have any suggests on where to start?

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for clearing out the sense of gloom and doom that we can have for our future.  The obvious problem with dealing with these feelings is they are often very general.  They are feelings of “no opportunity” “no hope” or “only going to get worse”.  Because of these feelings it is hard for us to think in the specific.

When I am feeling hopeless, I don't think “I am hopeless because…” I just feel hopeless.

Whenever I am I have problems with coming up with why I am feeling an emotion I have found it very helpful to make statement that is opposite of the feeling.  When I make this opposite statements, my self-talk is able to tell my why part of me thinks that is not true, which leads me to the root beliefs.

For example, let's pretend that I am feeling hopeless about finding a better, higher paying job.  My general mood, “I am going to be stuck in this bad job forever.”  Since I don't know why I feel this way, I make a statement that is the exact opposite of how I see my situation.

As a side note, when we are using opposite statements it is important that we say them with as much energy as possible.  The reason we are doing this is because we are trying to activate as much self-talk as we can.  The self-talk we are looking for is the self-talk that tells us why we are never going to have this.

In this example I would say, “I am going to find the perfect job, that I enjoy and pays me $120,000 a year.”

When I do this every part of me that is hopeless because it doesn't believe it is true will say:

  • There are no jobs like that
  • You don't have enough education
  • You will have to move to get a job like that
  • If you got a job like they would fire you because you are not talented enough

I now have very clear information of what is at the root of my hopelessness about getting a better job.

When I do this I make sure I write down all of the negative self-talk that comes up.  I might come up with so many issues that I am not able to deal with them in this tapping session and I don't want to lose all of this great information.

Lately I have being doing this is a really unusual way, but it has been really powerful.  I was introduced recently to a poem from the 1920's.

Promise yourself to be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
Author: Christian D. Larson

The way I use it is like this.  I take each line of the poem add “I promise myself” to the beginning of the poem and then change all the “you” to “I”.  Like this…

I promise myself to be strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
I promise myself to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
I promise myself to make all my friend feel that there is something in them.
[How to use these tapping phrases]

And so on…

For each line I do a full round of tapping and pay attention to any self-talk that comes up.  I write that self-talk down, so I don't lose any of this great information to tap on it in the future.

I have been doing this every morning for a number of weeks and it has really gotten my day off to a great start.

EFT Losing Its Effectiveness

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When I first learned EFT it worked really quickly on everything. Now it isn’t working as well. Do we build up a resistance to EFT?

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a wonderful and powerful tool, but just we knowing how to do EFT doesn’t mean we are going to heal. I often use the example with clients, just because we know how to sit-ups doesn’t mean we’ll have washboard abs. EFT is no different. It only works when we take the time to use it.

We have all experienced the obstacles people unfamiliar with EFT put up to trying it. (Ex: That can’t work. It’s too easy to work. It is too weird. That’s just new age mumbo jumbo.)

Recently I have come across two thoughts that have caused clients who used EFT for a long period of time to stop using it.

Expect The “One Minute Miracle”
I still experience great joy the first time someone I am teaching gets quick relief from something that has gripped them for years. Often they have tried everything under the sun for relief from the problem. EFT is the first thing to provide lasting relief. It is just unbelievable that it could happen so fast.

Then as they try EFT “on everything,” they obtain quick relief to both physical and emotional issues. But they hit a wall. They find some pain or emotion that doesn’t go away (or isn’t noticeably reduced) in one round of tapping. They reason, since EFT didn’t work in 60 seconds, it must not be worth the trouble to keep on trying.

In these cases it usually just takes a cognitive reframe to get them back on board to using EFT. I simply talk them through their own experience. Many times they had invested months or years to get relief. Sure in this case it didn’t happen in 60 seconds, but it might be worth their time to give it 15 or 20 min. Usually this is all it takes.

More Than They Expected
It is a phenomena that I have noticed mostly with the clients I work with regularly, especially when their issue has many aspects that require multiple sessions (like weight loss or multiple traumatic memories that are similar).

Typically what happens is during the third or fourth session the client will start to feel very overwhelmed by the amount of work that remains. Because (in many cases for the first time) we have been looking so closely at the roots of a particular issue, the client is starting to understand how many different aspects there really are to the problem. In the past they had only thought about the surface issues. Now because they are doing healing work, they are facing the root of the problem head on. Many times this involves issues and memories their conscious mind had been ignoring.

It’s like when we are cleaning a bedroom. After cleaning the room, we decide to look under the bed and find all sorts of dirt and dust we had no idea was there.

When this happens I remind my clients that right now they are taking the short view and are forgetting all the work we have done to this point. And we start to tap:

Right now I am overwhelmed with how much work is left…Everywhere I turn there is another issue or aspect…It’s just like an onion, every time I peal a layer off, there is another waiting for me…This seems like it is never going to end…But I know how much progress I have made with these issues…Even though there seems to be so much work to do, I know I am healthier now than when I started…I also know that with EFT I have wonderful tool to continue this work…I know how much the progress I have made in the past has improved my life…And I know more progress is ahead…All I have to do is take a little time each day to tap…I am making baby steps…It might not feel like I am moving forward…But I know I am.[How to use these tapping phrases]

Future Choices

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I need to make some very important choices about my future. Is there anything I can do with EFT to help me make the “right” decisions?


photo by Paul Hocksenar

I love this question because often we only think of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) as a tool to help us with issues that already exist, such as dealing with physical pain, memories that still affect us today, and the emotions we feel in this moment. EFT is also a great tool for helping us to clear up issues so we can make better decisions for our future.

I believe there is a part of us that constantly inspires us to become our better selves, a still small voice inside of us that is fully connected in oneness with everything in creation. This still small voice has been given many names throughout time in every culture and every faith.

The problem comes when it’s difficult for us to hear this voice because it’s overwhelmed by a mix of louder worries, anxieties, and past experiences.

You will always have free will to make any choice, but EFT will help you to quiet much of the unhelpful noise of worry, anxiety and past experiences. This way you can hear the still small voice more clearly, inspiring you to be your better self.

There are three basic steps to achieve this.

1) Clear Resistance to Change
I was introduced to the idea of clearing any resistance to change by Maria and Ted Robinson.  If we haven’t made a change or a choice in our life, then more than likely there is some resistance to change. Reducing or eliminating that resistance makes sound decisions for the future, and follow-through on those decisions, much easier. (We will get to the specific resistance in the next step.) It is a good idea to begin any EFT tapping session about a future choice like this:

I need to make a decision about my future…Every time I make a choice it means that I’m making a change…Change is scary because change brings different…Different can be scary…There is some part of me that is resisting this change…It is resisting this change because it’s worried the outcome might not be the best for me….I thank this resistance because it is trying to protect me…But this resistance is making it hard for me to make the choice I need to make…The resistance is cluttering my mind so I can’t see clearly…I choose to let go of whatever resistance I have…I choose to know there is a still small voice in me that is going to lead me on the right path…I trust myself to make the right choice when I get clear…I give myself permission to let this resistance go…I give myself permission to trust my own judgment.

2) Clear The Emotions Associated With Making The Choice
Every time we make a choice there are two aspects of the choice that can worry us: the certainty of the outcome, and the magnitude of the choice.

Our level and worry is affected by the combination of these two factors. Typically the higher the level of uncertainty or the greater the magnitude of the choice, the higher our anxiety level is going to be. The lower the level of uncertainty and the smaller the magnitude of the choice, the lower our anxiety level.

Here are a few examples:

  • Trying a new style of food we have never had before: If you’re not an adventurous eater, the level on uncertainty could be very high. But you know you will be home in a few hours, so if you don’t like it you won’t starve. Therefore there isn’t a great deal of anxiety about your dinner choice.
  • Choosing a major in college: For some reason you have always known you were going to be a teacher. You love sharing your knowledge. You love watching people learn. You really enjoyed the chances you’ve had in the past to teach, even when you had an unreceptive class. By choosing to major in education you are going to be taking very topic-specific classes. If you decided later to change your major none of the classes are likely to be useful. This could put you a year or two behind, costing you time and money. Even though there is a great deal of certainty about the choice, the magnitude of the choice may cause more anxiety.

Every choice we make is going to have aspects of certainty and magnitude associated with them. These characteristics are also going to be very personal. One person might see a choice as being a very big deal (having a large magnitude) and another person will see the same choice as minor (small magnitude).

There are benefits to having varied levels of worry and anxiety. This encourages a cautious approach that helps us avoid completely impulsive or very dangerous choices. These worries and anxieties become a problem when they are the only thing we can hear. By bringing these into balance we are going to be more likely to hear the still small voice and make a better choice.

Each person is going to have a different set of worries, but it might look something like this:

I’m worried I am going to make the wrong choice…I’m afraid I’m going to get stuck with an outcome I don’t like…If I choose the wrong thing it could cost years of my life…If I choose the wrong thing it is going to cost me so much money, money I can’t afford to lose…I’m worried if I make the wrong choice I’ll have to start at the beginning again, and I don’t have the time or energy to do that….I choose to know I am not making a rash decision…I choose to know I have done my research…I choose to know even if I make the wrong choice I’ll learn from it and make a better choice next time…I choose to know even if I make the wrong choice I’ll be able to choose again…I’ve made lots of bad choice in the past that haven’t been the end of the world…I know the reason I’m worried is because part of me is trying to protect me from making a bad choice…I know this part of me is worried because it’s trying to protect me…But it is being over-vigilant. It’s preventing me from growing…I let this worry and anxiety step down…They are not needed right now.

3) Clear The Emotions Associated With Getting The Outcome You Want
We can be of two minds about an outcome. On one level we can see the outcome as a real positive and at the same time see it on another level as a real negative. For example, we might want a promotion at work. On one level this is great because it means a raise and more prestige. On another level it means we have more responsibility and we have more opportunity to make a fool of ourselves.

It is important for us to weigh all the pros and cons of any outcome, in any decision-making process. The problem comes when we can only focus on the negataives, the cons. Even if we can’t name the cons they will affect the choice we make. Whatever part of us knows the cons is going to fill us with limiting beliefs, making it harder for us to make the best choice.

EFT is a great tool for cleaning up these penalties of success. There are two ways we can do this.

First, there will be the cons that we know. These are going to different for every person and every choice, but here is an example of how you might tap on this:

I’m worried that the new job is going to give me too much responsibility…If I have more responsibility I have more chances to screw up again…If I do this right, people are going to expect me to do it right again in the future and I may let them down…My family thinks this is a bad choice because they don’t understand my passion and think I’m wasting my life…If I get what I want it’s going to take more time, and I may have to give up the things I love…I think I want this, but it might not be as great as I thought, and I may be disappointed with the outcome and feel like I’ve wasted my time and money…What are others going to think when they hear this is my dream?

Second there are going to cons that we don’t know. They are emotions that simply interfere with our receiving the inspiration we need to hear. In this case there is a very simple technique we can use to bring these emotions to the surface.

Remember the words we use in EFT are not magic; they are only useful in helping us to stay focused on the issue we are working on. If we are thoroughly focused on our issues, we don’t need words to stay focused, so we don’t need to say any words.

In this case we are dealing with emotions that we can’t necessarily name, but we need to create a situation in which we can feel those emotions intentionally. This can be done in two ways.

The first way is to tune in to others who have walked the path you are considering. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to relax. Once you’re centered and relaxed think of someone who has successfully walked that path. This could be someone you know very well, or it could be a stranger. Start tapping. Just move through the tapping points. As you do this tune into every aspect of this person’s life. See him making the choice. See her living the life. Pay very close attention to everything that comes up in you.

Very common thoughts are:

  • They had it so easy. It may be harder for me.
  • They have talent I don’t have.
  • I’m jealous of their success.
  • They make it look so easy.
  • They didn’t have the obstacles to get there that I’ve had.

As long as you’re thinking about the life you think you want, with all of its pros and cons, you will be clearing resistance and interfering anxieties and experiences. If you can identify sources of resistance, you can tap directly on that, but even if you don’t, you will be clearing out the noise that is making your decision difficult.

The second way you can do this type of cleaning is to go through the exact same process, but this time see yourself living the choice. See yourself making the choice. See how you feel making the choice. See how you feel while living the outcomes of your choice. See how the people in your life react to the choice you’ve made. Hear what they say. Read their minds. Make sure you see it working out in the best way possible.

As you do this it’s very likely you’ll have these types of thoughts:

  • I could never really do that.
  • People are going to think I’m a jerk because I’m doing what I want.
  • People may think I think I’m better than they are.
  • People are going to be jealous of me.
  • I’m not talented enough to do that.
  • I’m going to look so foolish when I fail.

Again, as you are able to name specific fear, anxieties, and limiting beliefs, you can tap on them directly. But as long as you are feeling the emotion, even if you can’t name it, and your tapping will clean up the noise that is making your decision difficult.

Be Persistent
Frequently, the roots of our fears and anxieties about making big changes in our lives are very deep. I would recommend that you do this every day for several days. You might even want to continue right up to the moment you make the choice. This will ensure that you deal with every new worry or anxiety that might arise, as you get closer to the decision.

Over time if you do this you will find that there is less and less noise in the decision-making process. Instead over time there is going to ever-increasing clarity. Are you going to get to the point where every choice you need to make is obvious? Probably not, but the more noise you clear out the more likely you are going to hear the voice of inspiration. As you hear and follow this voice of inspiration you will end up almost effortlessly in the place you need to be.