Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Round Up – If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

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There is a wealth of information in the tapping community. From time to time I ask practitioners I respect their thoughts on tapping, healing, and their work. (I “round up” their opinions.) This happens about once a month. You can read past round-ups.

If you would like to check out my answer to this question (and more) you can download “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto“. (For free w/o having to sign up for anything.)

If you were to start your own healing journey over again what would you do differently?

I would have liked to reach the understanding that lack of money is a symptom of something else sooner rather than later. I spent a lot of time and money trying to make more money when instead it would have been to understand what money meant to me and what the lack of it was protecting me from.
Rod Sherwin

“I'd start much earlier. My journey started because I became very ill and couldn't breathe. To this day, it has never been successfully diagnosed, however, I have come to believe it's emotionally based.

Thankfully, it led me into a spiritual journey that is ongoing to this day. It is that spiritual journey that changed my life dramatically and profoundly. I now use what I've learned over two decades to help others in their healing journey and it seems to work quite well.”
Ted Robinson

Not a thing, I'm content with the process.
Pamela Bruner

All the steps I took were necessary. I'm not sure there could have been a better way. I can say that many times during this process, I might have disagreed with that statement.
Chip Engelmann

Get help! I did it all alone, but it wasn't until I became a qualified practitioner that I realized it is better to work with someone else for the big stuff. For example don't try to sort out your phobia or a past trauma alone. It's not worth it, you could bite off more than you can chew AND it will probably take months for you do to it alone when it could be sorted in a couple of sessions by a qualified practitioner.

Mel

NOTHING…I had to bite the dust of my own pride and prejudice before I could see the path that I am on right now. I do not think that it would have been possible any other way. I would not change a thing.
Till Schilling

How would you answer this questions? Let us know!

Doing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/Tapping with a Loved One

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I've always known that to practice Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) with our loved ones may be more difficult than to do it with others. I realize that probably the main reason is that one cannot get him/herself out of the way, as personal feelings/emotions energetically block EFT action. Could you please comment on specific methods of working with loved ones?

photo by freeparking

This is a very insightful question. Many times our loved ones are the ones we want to share EFT/tapping with the most, but it can be very hard to work with people we have a great deal of history and emotional investment with.

However, just because it can be harder doesn't mean it is impossible. Here are a few things to keep in mind when working with loved ones while doing EFT/tapping.

Knowing It Can Be Tricky
The first step in doing work with a loved one is to understand that it can be tricky. I am not saying that every time we tap with someone who is close to us it is going to be hard. For example, if we are tapping on a physical pain it is normally going to be very straightforward. This is also true for many emotional issues as well. Tapping on something like a fear of public speaking or mice shouldn't cause much trouble either. When it can be difficult is when we have a personal stake in the healing, when we have specific beliefs about how our loved one should change, and/or we know the other people involved in the situation.

Whenever we go into a situation where we know the possible pit falls we are more likely to deal with it in a proper manner. When we are tapping with loved ones, if we are aware of the possible pitfalls then we are going to do a better job.

When we are tapping with a loved one, it can be hard for both the person we are tapping with as well as hard for us.

Why it can be hard for them
First, it can be hard to be open and honest with a loved one. We want the people who love us the most to think the best about ourselves. It can be hard to open up about our weaknesses to people who are close to us because we are afraid they are going to judge us (on the surface this seems silly. Our loved ones should be the ones we can be most honest with, but this fear is very real). Because of this fear our loved ones might not share what is really going on. Because of this it is going to make it hard to be successful because we are not working with the real issue.

Second, as a continuation of the first fear, often times where we are tapping we can be surprised by the information that comes forward. I see this all the time with my clients. We start by tapping something as simple as a craving for chocolate and end up working with the fact they are feeling disconnected from their grown children. When this happens we can end up in a place where our loved one no longer feels safe. When we started they were gung-ho, but now it no longer feels safe and they shut down, making it hard for us to continue the work.

The best way to deal with the fact it might be hard for them is to be open and honest with them during the tapping and to name the possible problems. Explain to them that it is often hard to work with someone who is so close, but there are going to be a number of things you are going to do to make it easier for them (which will be discussed below). Also give them permission to stop at any point where they are feeling uncomfortable.

Why it can be hard for us working with them
Often it can be difficult for us to work with loved ones because of history and knowledge. When I am working with a new client I have a completely clean slate. I don't know any of the actors involved in the client's situation. Because of this I am able to meet and work with a client exactly where they are. This is really hard to do with a loved one because I am bringing all of my own assumptions and perceptions to the situation.

For example, I know my friend David's propensity to overreact to the criticism he receives from his coworkers. When tapping with David about his bad day at work it is very easy to just jump to tapping on “I know I am over-reacting to what everyone else is saying.”

We might get to tapping phrases like that rather quickly, but that is only valuable if and/or when he is ready for that. He first needs to get through the emotions of feeling judged before he can deal with his reaction.

When working with clients I am always striving to meet them where they are in the situation. I need to try doubly hard with loved ones because in many ways I know where we are going (or I think I know).

By keeping this in mind as you go into the tapping you are going to be in a better place to stay personally and emotionally detached.

They don't have to say everything out loud
One of the really nice things about the tapping protocols is the fact that the practitioner doesn't need to know any of the details of what the client is working on for progress to happen. Sometimes it makes guiding the client easier when we know the details, but it is never a requirement. For tapping to work, the client simply needs to be focused on what is going on (i.e., the “problem”) while tapping.

There are varying degrees regarding how much our loved one may need to share out loud. One of the most basic levels is when we have them tune-in to the issue they are feeling and tap without saying anything about the emotion at all. In this case I would have my loved one tune-in to the emotion at hand. I would say something like, “I want you to name the emotion you are feeling and rate it 0-10 in intensity. Just let me know when you have done this.” I would then have them tap on “this emotion . . . this emotion . . .” I would then repeat the process checking to see if the emotion is still the same emotion that we started with and what its intensity level currently is at on the SUDs scale.

The next level of sharing can be when the loved one feels comfortable sharing the emotion, but they don't want to share the details of the situation. It can look as simple as having our loved one name the emotion they feel (let's say anger) and rate it on the SUDs scale and then have them tap on “This anger . . . this anger . . . this anger . . . ” After doing a few rounds of tapping check to see if the emotion is still anger or if it has morphed into frustration. Have them rate it on the SUDs scale again and tap some more.

In addition to tapping on the specific emotion, we can have them share why they feel this emotion without sharing too many specifics. For example, if they are angry we can ask, “Angry – why?” “Because I feel betrayed!” This would then allow us to tap on, “I feel angry because I was betrayed . . . ” We could also ask, “Why does it feel so bad to be betrayed in this situation?” “Because I thought I could trust them with something this important.”

You can see how we can ask questions about describing what is going on without getting in to any specific details that might be uncomfortable because of our closeness to them and the situation.

Finally, we can also have them share all details except who is involved. They might feel comfortable sharing the details about what happened, but are not comfortable sharing who is involved. For example, they might feel very hurt because someone is gossiping about them, but because we also know the person who is the gossip they don't want to share who it is. In cases like this we can just have them change the name to something like the letter X.

The tapping might look like, “I feel really hurt because X has been talking behind my back . . . I can't believe that X wouldn't bring the issue to me . . . ”

I find it really helpful (even with my clients whom I do not know personally) to just let them know that it is possible for tapping to work without having to share many of the details that are going on. By letting them know it is OK to not share details, it puts them more at ease and makes progress easier.

Work with the kinesthetic not the emotional
Sometimes it is really hard to talk about how we feel. This isn't just the case when working with loved ones, but it is true for any client. As we talked about above, it can be particularly true when working with loved ones. I have found that instead of working with the emotions we can be just as successful working with the physical/kinesthetic feelings that go with the emotions.

Let's again use anger as an example. I would have my loved one describe the physical sensation of anger. “Is it heat in the face, tight chest, clenched fists, or something else?” After they explain how it feels physically, then we tap on that. When we relieve the physical sensation associated with the emotion, we are doing work on the emotion as well.

After doing a few rounds of tapping on the physical sensation, I would check to see if the emotion is still anger or if it is something else. After having them name the emotion I would now have them describe how it feels in the body. We would then tap on this.

By taking this approach we do not need to know any of the specifics.

Don't assume you know why something is the way it is (ask more questions than normal)
The most important tool I have when working with clients is the ability to ask questions. When I ask questions I get my client to describe things in their own words. This not only gives me greater understanding, but it also gives me phrases and words to tap on. Because they are the client's words I know they are going to resonate with them and bring healing more quickly.

Asking questions is even more important when we are working with loved ones because we know them and we are already familiar with the history of the issue(s) we are tapping on, and so if we do not ask questions our preconceived notions about why things are the way they are will tend to get in the way. I have found it is best to ask even more questions when working with loved ones. I even ask questions to which I think the answer is obvious. By doing this I am going to insure I am truly understanding where my loved one is coming from. The more they describe, the less of me that is going to be getting in the way of the tapping.

It's OK if you are not the right person
The last thing to keep in mind is it is OK if you are not the person that works with them. Sometimes we are just too close to a loved one and to what is going on in their life to be helpful. If you are too close, admit it. Let your loved one know that tapping is a great tool that would help them and then direct them to resources and practitioners you trust. This will enable you to be the loving friend without also having to be the one who is responsible for leading the healing. Sometimes we really can't be both. That is OK!

How To End A Session Part 2 – Stating Insight

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photo by jinjian liang

In “How to End a Tapping Session” I shared a tapping pattern I use at the end of an Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) session that helps the healing process to continue throughout the day.

In addition to setting up the body's energy system to continue the healing process throughout the day, it also is very helpful to restate all that we learned and achieved during this tapping session.

When we are tapping we are engrossed in the process. We are tuning-in to the emotions and memories that are coming up and we trust ourselves to come up with the right phrases and images. I know that when I am in the middle of tapping for myself that I am not fully consciously aware of everything I am thinking and saying.

I have found it very helpful at the end of a session to take a few moments to consider what I have learned (or relearned) during the session. I have found this is a great way to reinforce the work and sometimes I find affirmations that I can use to tap on at a later date.

The process is very simple. I keep tapping and I have myself finish these three statements.

During this tapping session I learned the following about myself. . .

During this tapping session I learned the following about my system . . .

During this tapping session I learned the following about my relationships . . .

I use each of the phrases three or four times each. Each time I come up with a new insight. Sometimes the insights come right away. Other times I need to pause for a few moments for my thoughts to come together.

It only takes a minute or two and it can make a big difference in helping the changes and benefits from one tapping session have a more lasting effect, and you will be surprised with the wisdom you have uncovered during the session.

Trying On The Old Positive Feeling

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Things in my life have gone all pear-shaped lately. About three years ago life was just going great then everything seemed to fall apart. I started to have health issues, I ended a long-term relationship, and I just didn't have the same energy when I got up in the morning. Is there a way that I can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to make my way back to feeling good?


photo by Maria Morr

I love synchronicity in life. I received this e-mail the same day I worked with a client for a very similar issue. The client call was with “Betty.” Betty wanted to do some work because physically she was exhausted all the time and life seemed like a real chore.

At the beginning of our call Betty shared that in the last six years she has had two loved ones die, she had gained weight, and she was feeling very disconnected at work from a job she used to enjoy.

To start with we spent some time with her emotional state and how she felt in the immediate moment. I have found when working with an issue that is multifaceted it is best to start with how we feel about all the issues and how all the issues are affecting our lives today.

I do this because it can be hard to focus on any one aspect of the issues when we feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done. I have found if we take just a few rounds of tapping to deal with the current emotional state that we will have much more clarity around the larger issues that need our attention.

Betty and I spent about 15 minutes just working with how overwhelming it felt to be dealing with so many issues. We also spent some time with how overwhelming life felt because of the lack of energy she was feeling. After doing this work she was much more at peace. Life wasn't perfect, but she was ready for the next step.

Without being asked she started talking about what life was like six years ago. She talked about how she just felt like she had a “spark” back then and that she really wanted to feel and experience that spark again. Her goal was not to somehow achieve an issue-free life, but instead she really just wanted have energy for life again.

I had her start tapping again and asked her to take a few deep breathes. I asked if she could tune-in to the feeling she felt six years ago when she felt the “spark.” After a few seconds she said, “Yes” and I could hear a little more energy in her voice.

I asked her, figuratively speaking, to “try on” the old feeling of that spark, energy, and zest for life as if it was a new outfit that she was trying on at a store. She said, “That feels really good.” I then followed up by asking, “What doesn't fit quite right? Is it too small, too big, or does it feel uncomfortable in any way?”

Betty then described that it didn't fit right because some of the relationships at work had changed. A good friend had been promoted and she felt it would change their relationship. We then did some tapping around that issue. Very quickly she was at peace around this relationship.

Again, I had her “try on” the outfit of feeling that old spark for life. It felt even better, but this time she was worried because of her health. She was afraid that she wasn't going to be able to do as much at work as she did before. Since she was doing less work she was concerned that it was going to be less enjoyable. We spent some time tapping around having balance at work and not doing too much. We also did some tapping around the idea that good work is judged by the quality of work, how we are challenged, and being able to contribute. Good work is not judged by the quantity of work that is done.

We repeated this process three or four more times. Each time Betty tried the outfit of spark on again. We found the parts that didn't fit right. By doing this each time the feeling of spark became more and more possible.

Obviously this isn't going to work in every satiation but if you are struggling to find a place to start tapping think about how it would feel to be back to your old self. Try that feeling on. Doing this will help you to find the parts that don't “fit” right and are a little off which, in turn, will give you a great place to start tapping.

When Excited Clients Disappear

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Recently I had three clients that I had great first sessions with. We did amazing work. They were excited. One of them was even talking about how she was also going to get her husband to come see me for a session. Now they are gone. I have tried e-mailing and calling all three of them and I have heard nothing back. Did I do something wrong?

photo by Wisconsin Historical Images

There are certainly things that we can do to undermine our client's confidence and there are times where we are not the right fit for a client. When this happens to me I generally have a sense of this during the session. Much of the time I can tell when a client isn't engaged in the process or if we are just not clicking. (NOte: Just because Emotional Freedom Techniques is right for a situation does not mean that I am the right practitioner).

With that being said there are going to be times when we click with a client and they still just disappear. There is no way that we can know for sure why this happens, but here are some of the common reasons for excited clients not coming back.

Talked Out Of It
I know that when I have something exciting happen to me I share it with my friends and family. I want them to share in my excitement and maybe they will also enjoy whatever I am excited about. After a great tapping session your clients are going to tell their friends and loved ones about what just happened. They are going to talk about how weird it was, how quick it was, and how effective it was. This is great because it spreads the word about tapping far and wide. I have lots of clients who are referrals from past and present clients.

The problem comes in the response of your clients' friends and loved ones. I have heard stories from lot of clients about how much resistance the people in their lives have to tapping. Often times our clients are very new to tapping and are not accustomed to talking about tapping. Because of this they are not confident about talking about tapping with others. When this happens they can be talked out of coming back by their skeptical friends and loved ones.

Life Gets Busy
This is just a fact of life for all of us. Our days seem to get fuller and fuller. Because of the busyness of life a client doesn't get right back to us and so they may feel embarrassed about having lost touch for a bit. This embarrassment makes them uncomfortable about e-mailing or calling us back after we have left two or three messages. Also, because of the busyness of client's lives they don't get around to doing the homework we have assigned them. It is embarrassing to commit to something and not living up to your word. They often feel like they have let us down and therefore do not want to face us.

Scared of What They Have or Will Uncover
When we work with clients we can easily and gently lead them to root causes of issues. Many times they have no idea about the number of limiting beliefs they have, how these beliefs were created, and how much control these beliefs have over their daily lives. The work we do with them is wonderful and a revelation.

Then they go home. I imagine it happens something like this. They are lying in bed getting ready to fall asleep. They are reviewing everything that happened during the day and their thoughts go something like this:

“Oh that was a good day . . . how cool it was to do that tapping thing . . . I can't believe that Gene was able to help me so quickly . . . who knew that what happened to me when I was six would have such an effect on me today? . . . I wonder what else is lurking around in there . . . I wonder if Gene is going to be able to help me as easily with new issues that come up . . . I wonder if it is always that easy . . . maybe the next time it isn't going to be as easy . . . maybe next time we are going to find something bigger . . . maybe next time we are going to uncover something Gene doesn't know how to deal with . . . I wonder what Gene thought about today's session . . . I bet he is telling his friends about this weird client who had this small thing that happened when they were six and how it crippled them today.”

And the next thing we know a part of the client believes a tapping session is unsafe. I can speak from experience: The path of self-discovery can be a bit scary. It becomes especially scary when we stumble onto knowledge about our past, our hidden issues, and other unpleasant aspects of ourselves unexpectedly. Sometimes a very successful session can be too much in the moment. Because of this they choose not to come back for fear of what is next.

The Take Away and What We Can Do
Once I started to realize some of the reasons that good clients don't come back I gained a few insights.

First, it isn't about me. There are lots of reasons for a client not to come back for a second session. It is good for me as a practitioner to evaluate why a client might not come back for a second session, but there are reasons outside my control that affect that decision.

Secondly, the fact that they did one session is a really good thing. The fact that they took one hour to do some change work and learned more about tapping is a good thing. Besides, while change was happening during the session, seeds were sown that will bear fruit in the future even if it is months or years before they tap with a practitioner again.

Finally, this provides a good opportunity to do some work on ourselves and to do some surrogate tapping for our clients. Whenever we start to question why clients aren't coming back it will likely bring up some emotional charge in us about how good we are at our job. We can let these feelings fester or we can do some work for ourselves.

In addition to tapping for ourselves we can tap for our clients as well. At the end of each session, after I have hung up the phone, I take just a few moments to tap for my clients. I tap with the intention that they will continue to heal, that they will find people in their lives who will support their healing process, and that they will have the courage to continue down the healing path. I am not sure if this has much effect on them, but I know it helps me to be more at peace with whatever step comes next for the client and myself.