Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

TapAlong #14A: Taking Risks

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“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” – Pablo Picasso

Trying new things can be hard. It requires us to put ourselves at risk. It requires us to face the fact that we don't know everything. We know intellectually that there are many things we have tried in the past that we didn't know how to do. Some of them worked out right away while others took time for us to learn. When we recognize that it is OK for us to try new things and that it is OK to not be perfect during the learning process it makes it easier for us to venture out of our comfort zone.

Guilty v. Regret

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[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]


photo by butupa

I have a small checklist that I keep on my desk that I review before every client call I do. The list contains the steps that I most often use when helping a client transform their life. One of the most important steps is forgiveness of self.

When something doesn’t go the way we would like it is very easy for us to blame ourselves. Even when there was no possible way we could have done anything differently. A perfect example of this is when a child in placed in a situation of trauma. There is no way the child could have prevented what happened. Even with the adult self knowing this sometimes they still blame themselves.
There are other times in which we make a poor choice and afterwards we think, “I should have known better.” There are even times when we know we are about to make a choice and we know that it is the wrong choice for our higher good in the short and/or long term.

Regardless why we feel like we are to blame for what has happened the fact that we do blame ourselves for our past can be debilitating. It can undermine our ability to make choices in the future because we think we are going make a poor choice again or a part of us can feel that we need to be punished for making those poor choices. When this happens we will subconsciously sabotage any new success.

Because of these reasons it is essential to spend time working on self-forgiveness. If we do not forgive ourselves then we will never move forward because we will be an emotional prisoner to the past. When we refuse to forgive ourselves then it is like we are reliving the past moment over and over again.

There are many steps to this process, but one of the concepts I always talk to clients about is the difference between feeling guilty and regretting what happened.

Feeling guilty about something robs us of our power. The hallmark of guilt is being emotionally attached to the past moment. When we feel guilty we relive the moment over and over again, beating ourselves up as we do so.

When we feel regret about something it is instructive. I can regret the choices I have made in the past and learn from those choices. When I regret something I can clearly state I am disappointed about how it turned out and that I would do things differently if I had the chance, but in when I look at a past choice with regret I am not emotionally trapped in the moment. Instead I have the opportunity to learn from my past choice and have the ability to live in the present.

One of the struggles we face when trying to forgive ourselves is the fear that “If I forgive myself then I will forget about the past and I will make the same mistake again. I will hurt myself or others again” or “If I forgive myself then I am saying what I did was OK. To forgive myself is to condone the action.”

Forgiveness does not equal saying it was or is OK. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.

Forgiveness equals choose to take responsibility for the past, learn from the past, and choose to be present in the current moment making new choices.

Tapping on it might look this:

I know that I have made poor choices in the past…these choices have hurt me…and they have hurt others…but it does me no good to be stuck in these past moments….it does me no good to keep beating myself up for these choices…I need to forgive myself…when I forgive myself I am not saying my past choices are the choices I would make today…when I forgive myself I am not saying I want the same outcome…when I forgive myself I am not forgetting what happened…instead, when I forgive myself I choose to take the knowledge learned from that moment…I choose to take responsibility from the outcome…but I am choosing to no longer be stuck in the moment…when I forgive myself I can still regret what happened without feeling guilty….guilt is a prison…guilt is a trap…guilt prevents me from moving forward…guilt keeps me trapped in the past…when I forgive myself I am not doing it with the expectation that I am going to be perfect in the future…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I move forward…I forgive myself…knowing I can forget what happened…but I don’t need to feel guilty….I choose not to be trapped in the moment.

In most cases this is not all that is needed for deep self-forgiveness, but it opens the door to being able to know that it is OK to forgive yourself, by seeing that regret is a healthy way of moving forward without having to feel guilt.

Click here to read what others have to say or add your own thoughts and comments. I would really love to hear what you thing!

TapAlong #13A: It Is A Great Day To Be Alive

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Today is a perfect day. That does not mean that everything will be perfect today or that everything will work out the way we want. But there is no other day like today. It is unique, even if we are doing things that we’ve done many times before. This is not some naive way of approaching the day’s real challenges, but it is simply an acknowledgement that today will something special and will never be repeated.

Understanding What Is Motivating The Change We Want

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photo by Scott Maxwell

There are many reasons we want to make changes in our life. Often, the greater the perceived reward the greater the motivation we have. Many times there’s more than one reason for making a change. Understanding these reasons can be key to our transformation.

For example, someone might want to quit smoking because they want to feel healthier, they don’t want long term health issues, they are a new parent not wanting to set a bad example for their child, and cigarettes cost more and more.

I have a hypnotist friend who requires his clients to come up with a list of six reasons they want the change before he will work with them. He only wants to work with clients who truly want change. One of the ways he tests their commitment is their ability to thoughtfully name why they want the change.

Years ago (before I was using tapping) I was working with a friend “Chris” who was having a hard time losing weight. He was on the typical yo-yo of lose weight and then slowly gaining it back. This repeated over and over again for a number of years. Finally, his doctor said to him, “Do you want to see your daughter get married?” who was 5 at the time.

Of course he said yes.

“Then you need to stop this.”

It was no longer a matter of wanting to lose weight; it was about being there for his daughter. Chris took his five-year-old daughter to a bridal shop and put her in a grown up wedding dress and took a few pictures. He put one picture on the refrigerator at home, another on the refrigerator at work, and he put one in his wallet. Whenever he craved a snack, he looked at these pictures. This helped him move beyond just wanting to make a good eating choice to the reason he was making that choice.

Understand Why We Want the Change and Tapping

Once we understand why we want to make a change we can integrate this into our tapping/EFT routine. There are times when we aren’t very motivated to do the tapping we know we want to do. We don’t want to have to face the issue we have or to dig up past emotions. We can use our list of why we want to make the change as a great way to start a tapping session. For example:

I want to quit smoking…because I want to feel healthier…I don’t want to worry about long-term health issues…I want to be a good role model for my kids…I want to save money…so we can do things the whole family enjoys…I know this make take some work…but the benefits of quitting outweigh the time and effort it is going to take…therefore I am going to do the work right now…because I know with every moment I spend working on this I’m a moment closer to being able to enjoy all these benefits of not smoking

If you start your tapping session with something like this you are going to be very motivated to do the work you want to do.

In many cases simply because you name the reasons you want the change to happen, aspects of resistance will arise and be cleared as you are tapping.

Two Types of Reasons Why We Want Change

As we have shown, the answers to the questions, “Why do we want a change?” or “What are the benefits from making this change?”, are very powerful. One more refinement will make these questions even more beneficial in our healing process.

There are two types of reasons for making a change. The first is to move away from pain; the second is to move towards pleasure. For almost every change in our life we are going to have both types of reasons for our change.

In our quitting smoking example, a reason to move away from pain is to stop feeling unhealthy. Being able to afford fun things to do with the family because of the savings that come with not buying cigarettes is a move toward pleasure.

This isn’t always the case, but often the most important motivation is getting away from pain. As this occurs, gaining pleasure becomes the primary motivation.

It’s important to note this because it is very easy to get stuck in the middle of these two motivations. Getting out of pain is a great motivation, but once the pain is gone it’s easy to stop doing the work because we no longer have the nagging feeling of the pain. For this reason it is very important that our list of reasons for changing includes some reasons that move us towards pleasure.

Focusing on the reasons we are going to gain pleasure from the change then motivates us to complete the transformation process.

The next time you tap on an issue, name not only the change you want but also why you want that change. Knowing this will more surely motivate you to achieve the change and transformation you desire.

[Note: Dan Cleary shares a very interesting point of view on this called “The 10% solution” in the interview I did with him. (link)]

TapAlong #12A: Seeking Attention

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“It is healthier to recognize we are desperate for attention than to deny we are. ” R. Hudson

We all want attention. We want attention from our loved ones. We want attention from new friends. We want attention from people in power. It is ok to want attention, however it becomes dangerous when we start to judge our worth and value from the amount of attention we receive from others. In the end it is healthier to recognize we are desperate for attention than to deny that we are. When we recognize the types of attention we want and why we want them, then we are able to move to a healthier place. If we deny that we are craving attention then we will keep acting out to get it, but doing so in a subconscious way.