Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Three Steps to Letting Go of Your Unwanted Story

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[Note From Gene: Here is a great article from Chip Engelmann. It is very easy for us to get caught up in our own story. There are time when I am working with clients in which I can almost hear them hitting play as they start to tell me the pre-recorded message that is their. The issue has moved from just being an issue to the clients identity. Chip explains a nice little three step process to get out of our own story to start the healing.]


photo by Michelle W

As I have mentioned before, emotions themselves are neither good or bad. They feel good if the thoughts you are thinking are in alignment with how you want your life to be, or they feel bad if you are thinking thoughts about things that you do not want in your life.
Our thoughts create our world. Our emotions tell us whether our thoughts are creating the world we want or not.
It is our thought habits that keep us “stuck.”

That’s right. You can tap until you have furrows, but if you don’t change unwanted habits of thought, your situation will remain what it is. You might feel better for a while, but the more you repeat these thoughts, the more likely you will feel worse again. It might even seem like EFT or Light Tapping isn’t working, but that is not what is happening.

The truth is you are a being of light and love that believes a story.

Your story is another word for your habits of thought. The more you tell an unwanted story about what is “real” for you, the more difficult it will be for you to make a change.

Here are some examples of stories.

  • I can never commit to a relationship because my mother abandoned me.
  • I was programmed to believe that rich people are evil.
  • I have low self-esteem because my father always criticized anything I did.
  • I can’t because I’ve been diagnosed with asthma, arthritis, anxiety…
  • I’ll never love again.
  • I can just look at dessert and it goes straight to my hips.

The stories of themselves are neither good or bad. At some point in your life, you created your story because it felt better to do so. It served you for a while, but now you want a different story. In that way it is very similar to a sentinel. The difference is that while the sentinel is an energetic vibrational field that is emotional in its make-up, a story is an energetic vibrational field that is thought-based.

The good news is you can use meridian tapping to help you release these stories. There are three parts to this process.

1) You appreciate the story for how it has served you.

2) You release your attachment to the story. In previous articles and posts I have commented that different emotions tell us different things. Sadness indicates you have an attachment. So you tap on the sadness of releasing your story.

Even though I am sad to see my [mother abandoned me] story go – it is like an old friend, it kept me safe, it served me well – I deeply and completely accept myself.

3) You release the fear of not having your story around. It is scary to step outside the comfort zone of your story. The story was safe and familiar. You may not like the results you are getting in your life, but at least you are accustomed to them.

Even though I’m afraid to release my [mother abandoned me] story – I’m afraid of how I will feel, I’m afraid I won’t know how to react – I deeply and completely accept myself.

Now thank your story once more and allow it to return to the Source. It should leave completely.

If it does not, ask it what needs to happen before it can leave. There will be some emotion or fear that it is still protecting you from. Tap on this emotion. If you get a vague answer like, “I’m protecting you from yourself,” then ask, “What is it you are afraid I’ll do?”
Continue asking the story what it needs in order to leave, until it is completely gone.

Coming Up With A More Accurate Description of How You Feel: Part 3 Physical and Emotional Needs

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photo by Scott Ableman

We know the more specific we are when describing the issue, the faster we are going to find relief. Sometimes we think we are being specific when we really are not being as specific as possible.

Most of the time when I am working with a client and I ask them how they are feeling at any given point in the session I am given a one-word answer. “Angry.” “Sad.” “Confused.” I normally will ask a follow-up question along the lines of “[insert emotion] how?”

The reason I do this is because there are many different shades to emotions. There is “angry = I need space” and “angry = I need to punch the wall.” The clearer we are with the particular shade of the emotion, the easier it is going to be to clear it out.

Below you will find a list of physical and emotional needs created by The Center For Nonviolent Communication. This list can be very helpful when you are trying to describe what you would like to achieve. It is not enough to say, “I want to be happy.” Figure out what happy means to you. I would keep this list handy when tapping. Just read through the list and see which emotions ring true at the moment.

[h/t to Rod Sherwin's blog for pointing out this resource.]

CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect		 CONNECTION continued
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and be understood
trust
warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water

 HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence

PLAY
joy
humor

PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order

AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity

 MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505-244-4041

The Danger Of The Word “Need”

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photo by Omar MK

[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind, thereby giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]

Because of my training in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), I listen very closely to the words that people use. My clients find this skill very useful because it is helpful in finding the logical errors in their speech which, in turn, helps us to find root causes of core issues. My friends, on the other hand, simply find it annoying (kind of like the verbal grammar police).

One of the words that I always focus-in on is the word “need”. Very rarely when we use the word “need” do we mean “need”.

Recently Leo Babauta wrote very elegantly on the topic of need on his blog Minimalist in the article Letting Go of Fake Needs:

Our lives are filled with things we need to do. Until we look a little more closely at those needs.

Think about what needs you might have: the need to check your email every 15 minutes, or empty your inbox, or read all your blogs, or keep something perfectly neat, or dress to work in the latest fashions. The need to constantly badger your kids about things, or control your co-workers, or meet with everyone who wants a meeting, or be wealthier and wealthier, or own a nice car.

Where do these types of needs come from? They’re completely made up.

Sometimes the needs are created by society: the industry you’re in requires you to work until 9 p.m. or dress in impeccable suits. Your neighborhood has certain standards and if you don’t have an impeccable lawn and two BMWs in the driveway, you’ll be judged. If you don’t have the latest iPhone, you won’t have your geek cred or status symbol, and you’ll be jealous of those who do.

Sometimes the needs are made up by ourselves: we feel the urge to check our emails or RSS feeds or news websites or text messages or Twitter accounts constantly, even though there is no negative societal or work consequences if we don’t keep up with them. We want a perfectly made up bed even if no one else cares. We want to create a list of goals in life or for the year and achieve every one of them, even if nothing bad will happen if we don’t achieve most of them.

This article clearly points out one of the ways we use the word “need” inaccurately. Most of the time when we use the word “need” we mean “really want.”

The problem with the word “need” isn't a problem of communication with others. When you say, “I need a cup of coffee,” I don't think you need coffee to live the same way you need oxygen to live. I know you are really saying, “I would really, really like a cup of coffee and the quality of my life will improve in the short term with a cup of coffee.”

The real problem with the word “need” is a problem of communication with ourselves. When we say we need something our system responds by trying to fill that desire as if it were an absolute.

If we take the body’s need for oxygen as an extreme example, we can quickly see how this can cause problems. When the body is without oxygen it will do anything it can to get it. Try to prevent your body from getting oxygen. No matter how hard you try you can't prevent your system from trying to get oxygen.

Even if you go under water to prevent getting oxygen, at a certain point the system is going to force your mouth open in an attempt to get what it needs. Obviously, in the example of being under water it is not going to work, as you will suck water into your lungs. Even with the conscious knowledge that opening your mouth under water to get oxygen is not only going to not give you oxygen, but will be harmful to your health, your system’s real need forces you to do it.

Our subconscious mind is very literal. It doesn't understand nuance. It doesn't understand the difference between “need” and “really, really want.” Each time we speak a desire we are giving a command to our system.

  • “I need coffee to get going in the morning.”
  • “I need to get this done before I move forward.”
  • “I need to get rid of this debt before I can start a long term relationship.”

With each of these statements you are creating a contract with yourself that part of your system is going to want to live up to. I am not saying that the entire system is going to spend all of its resources to live-up to these contracts the same way the system seeks oxygen, but it is going to strive to fulfill this named need.

Here is how the system responds to these simple statements.

  • I am going to spend part of my time and attention on finding coffee regardless what task is in front of me. AND, I am not going to believe I am not happy and ready for the day without coffee.
  • I am going to ignore any and all opportunities that present themselves for me to move towards my goals until I get everything done I feel I need to get done.
  • I am not going to start dating and sabotage any and every relationship until I get rid of this debt.

In all three examples there is a kernel of truth. A small caffeine boost can be helpful to start the day, being distracted by future projects can hinder us from getting done what needs to be done, and it is good to start a long-term relationship without a lot of personal debt.

I know you consciously understand these statements are not truly absolute terms.

The system doesn't notice these subtleties and this is where the problems begin.

To solve this problem all you need to do is pay attention to what you are saying. Every time you use the word “need,” transform the statement into a more accurate statement.

  • Most mornings I feel a lot better after my first cup of coffee. Today I have a feeling I will feel better after having some coffee.
  • It is really important that I don't get too wrapped-up in future projects while I still have tasks to get done.
  • It would be really nice to start my next long-term relationship without a huge amount of debt hanging over my head.

Those changes seem very small, but they make a big difference in the way we respond to our day.

If this is something you sometimes struggle with, here is a way you can use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)/tapping to respond:

I say the phrase “I need” a lot . . . in most cases I don't really mean that I need something . . . but instead I really want something . . . I know there is a difference between these two ideas . . . but sometimes my system doesn't know the difference . . . there are going to be times in the future where I will say “I need” when what I really mean is “I want” . . . that is okay . . . right now my goal is just to be more observant of my speech . . . when I say “I need” I am going to take a minute to rephrase what I mean . . . by saying what I really mean . . . as I start to see the way I use the word “need” I am going to get better and better about what I am saying . . . as I start to describe my wants better . . . then I am going to set myself up for success . . . it is okay that I said “I need” too much in the past . . . now is the time to be more accurate with what I say . . . as I change this it will make moving forward easier and easier.

Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto

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After months of work it is finally here: “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto”

A manifesto is nothing more than a statement of beliefs. This is what I believe about the healing process. This is not about tapping the tool, but what happens when we heal and transform. This is how I think when I am working with clients.

You can download the pdf or mp3 book for free here:

PDF Book Version (updated 10/25/2010)

Recuperando el Ser – Un Manifiesto de Sanación Español PDF “Traducido por Vera C. Malbaski” (Thanks to Vera! )

Audio Book Version (updated 10/15/2010)

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Who “Recover Self – A Healing Manifesto” is For:

This if for anyone who is interested in transforming their lives, healing past wounds, and people who are trying to understand how this process happen. If you want to understand yourself a little better it is for you.

What You Will Learn In “Recovering Self – A Healing Manifesto”:

  • Why you stop the healing process even when you know the steps you should take
  • Why others don't want you to heal
  • The two categories that all healing falls into
  • What you need to know (and what you don't need to know) to heal
  • How to stop fighting yourself and start healing

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Like it? See something that is miss? Am I Wrong?

1) Let me know what you think in the comment section.

2) Tell a friend, a loved one, a client, your mailing list, or your enemies. This is free so tell the world about it. It would mean a lot to me.

Announcement

Thoughts on Surrogate Tapping By Gwyneth Moss

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Gwyneth Moss is an EFT Master and Trainer based in Yorkshire, United Kingdom. She currently offers EFT Level 1, 2 and 3 Workshops in the UK and for EFTUniverse in San Francisco, California.

photo by Stefano Corso

In Gary Craig’s retirement blog he said there are two things about EFT “What it does and Where it points” and that Surrogate Tapping is leading us to “Where it points.” When I first found EFT, the tapping itself was weird enough for me and the idea that you could tap on your own face and something would change for someone else at a distance was just too woo-woo.

However for the last few years I have been intrigued by experiences and stories of distant work. My first experience was when a passenger in heavy rush hour traffic in the centre of Manchester and my friend Masha who was driving complained of a 10/10 headache like a vice. Almost as a joke I started tapping on myself whilst she concentrated on navigating the crowded narrow streets. To the amazement of both of us her headache eased to a 6 then a 2 and then she forget it had ever been there.

Later I designed a group exercise to teach EFT Practitioners how to work with groups and deliver the borrowing benefits instructions. To illustrate that it does not matter who we borrow benefits from or how unrelated their problem, I had a member of the group role play their pet whist we all tapped along. My expectation that anything would change for the pet was close to zero. However if you read Two Cats and a Puppy (pdf), you can read the full story of Oscar the cat and how the tremor in his tail disappeared.

These tapping circles with animal role play continued and a succession of animals changed their behaviour. From this and with my colleague Heather Smiles who does marvelous work tapping for horses, we developed a three stage protocol for surrogate tapping using animals as our teachers. The three stages we call “talk about,” “talk to,” and “talk as.”

The three stages are designed to get you out of the way and gently increase the connection to the other’s energy. Here I’d simply like to share some of our learnings:

  1. Get yourself out of the way. Work first on your own stuff about wanting or needing change in the other. You have to simply get out of the way and let healing flow through you. This is not about your agenda. You are not out to “fix” someone. You are simply offering healing that they can accept or not. Think of it as a means of loosening an energetic stuckness around the person. Be unattached to the outcome. When that stuck energy starts to move the change will be how they choose to use that for themselves. It may not be the outcome you desire.
  2. Allow the words to come to you in a stream of consciousness. Don’t think about it or analyze. What comes may surprise you or be unexpected, that’s ok and if you feel like you are making it up then that is ok too. Let yourself pretend.
  3. Do not lead or use positive suggestion or over optimistic reframes. Stick to simple EFT, being specific and cleaning up all aspects. With animals the times it has not worked is when there has been direct suggestion of change – leading. Try to find or imagine earlier events, in what context would this behavior or emotion make sense.
  4. Start by telling the story, the facts and the feelings about the other, talk in the third person as you tap on yourself. That may lead you to having an imaginary dialogue as you talk to them, allow some silences for the responses and again let yourself pretend or make it up. And keep tapping.
  5. Don’t go to the first person “talk as” tapping unless you intuitively feel an open door, an energetic permission. Trust your intuition. And don’t worry if that door feels closed just continue with the “talk about” and “talk to” tapping, that is often sufficient. If you efforts are perceived as unwanted or you are working to your own agenda at best you will get nowhere at worst you may get an energetic kick back.
  6. Be relaxed and don’t go looking for changes after your tapping to “prove” that it worked. Sometimes the change may be something other that that which you directly tapped for.
  7. Find someone to partner you. It’s a good idea to do surrogate tapping together with a partner and this is how we teach it in the workshops. One of you manages the content by telling the story or role playing. The other of you manages the EFT process by asking simple questions, identifying aspects, testing and keeping the flow going.

What more info on surrogate tapping: