Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

When Things Go Wrong

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Today was a bad day. All the plans I had blew up in my face. It sent me into an emotional tailspin. I know EFT would have been useful, but I didn’t know where to begin. How can I use EFT when thing don’t go as planned?


photo by sonson

I had this very thing happen to me recently.

Another EFT practitioner and I have been creating a website to help EFT practitioners market and build their practices. We had done about a month of work. This included planning the contents, contacting people to interview for teleclasses, and doing some web design.

We had a great domain name that was memorable and descriptive. It was really perfect for what we were going to do.

I was about to make my first announcement about the launch of the web site. I went to my domain registrar to grab the domain name. The name we wanted (and had done a great deal of planning around) was gone. Not only had someone else purchased the domain, it had happened that morning.

At first I went into a bit of a funk. My self-talk went like this, “Why did I wait so long? I knew I wanted this name a month ago. I am such an idiot. Did the person who bought the name know we were going to do this and just snatch it up? Did they steal our idea? There are no other good names for us to use. This sucks! I am so stupid!”

Then I caught myself. I realized I couldn’t do anything about the fact that someone else has the domain name. I have no idea if someone tried to get it before us, and even so, there was nothing I could do about it. It was time to move on and make the best of it.

So I took a few deep breaths. At first I tapped with nothing particularly on my mind. After a few minutes, I continued to tap and asked myself, “What is the best possible outcome so that one year from now when I look back I will thank God someone beat me to that domain name?”

And I tapped.

And I asked the question again.

And I tapped.

And I asked the question again.

And I tapped.

And I asked the question again.

And I tapped.

Over the next few moments my mood began to shift. My energy moved away from “this sucks” to “this is not the end of the world.”

Then the possible domain names started to come, and come quickly. I pulled out a pad of paper and wrote as fast as I could.

After my creative burst came to an end, I moved on to another task. An hour later I came back. Some of the names were good and some weren’t.

One name stuck out: EFT Marketing Lab.

It really said everything we are about.

It says this isn’t just theory, but stuff we have tested in the real world with our own practices.

It says marketing doesn’t have to be life or death (which it can feel like). We can try a marketing experiment on a very small scale and learn from it so when we do it on a bigger scale we’ll do it more effectively.

We can create a lab notebook for each experiment to lead the students through the experiment step by step. This way the tasks won’t be so overwhelming. We will be able to provide feedback for each lesson so the students can learn from both their experience and our experience.

Suddenly we went from some EFT marketing ideas to real structure that will help us form our lessons and create a way for our students to really learn.

Instead of being annoyed I had lost my domain, I now had a new focus for our work.

Things that are out of our control are going to happen. The only thing we can control is how we respond. The next time you’re having a hard time getting out of a funk, take a deep breath, tap, and ask “How could this really be a blessing?”

PS: You should check out EFT Marking Lab

When thinking of the problem is too much

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I want to do EFT for a major issue in my life, but somehow I always find an excuse not to do EFT. I know it will help me. I do want to get over this, but it just doesn’t happen. What can I do?


photo by (Erik)

I have been teaching people Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) for a number of years.

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern. Certain people learn to use EFT, see the benefit of it in their lives, and yet have decided it’s not for them.

At first I took this as some sort of failure on my part. I thought, “I must have done something to turn them off to this very powerful tool.”

My point of view changed while working with a friend. Someone in her life had been hurt in a very violent way. The loved one was hundreds of miles away. She was disappointed in herself for not being able to stop it from happening, she was sad for the attack, she was scared that her loved one was not going to seek the attention she needed out of fear, she felt helpless from such a great distance, and she worried it would happen again. These were just a few of the emotions racing through her head.

We agreed that I would come over in a few days so we could do some work. When I got to her place we talked about everything in the world, except what I had come for. This continued for almost 45 minutes. Finally I said, “Do you want to do this or not?”

I wasn’t frustrated or angry; I was giving her an out. Sometimes people feel safer having these types of conversations with a paid professional rather than a close friend.

She hemmed and hawed as she tried not to answer.

So I asked, “Why are you afraid to do the work?”

“Because it’s going to hurt. I know how raw my emotions are right now. I feel like I’ve let my loved one down. I don’t want to wander into that pain.”

All of that was fair. I asked her, “How large are all the emotions you’re feeling?” (This was for the emotions around her loved one plus the emotions around her fear of having to get into the problem).

With her hands she showed something about the size of a beach ball.

We did some work on her fear of what we might uncover and how much it was going to hurt to dive into the emotions of the circumstance.
I then asked her how much emotion was left (in all areas). She gestured to show something about 30% of the size of the original.

This was a useful insight for me. She was more emotional about her reaction to the incident than she was about the incident itself.

Later, as I reflected on this, it brought to mind all of the people — myself included — who avoided doing work in some area of our lives because we were afraid of what we’d uncover about ourselves.

The belief is, “The crap I know right now is better than the crap around the corner. Sure, my life isn’t perfect right now, but I can manage the pain and disappointment I am facing now. If I go looking to change my life, who knows what I’ll stir up.”

This is not an indictment for not wanting to look under the bed to see what’s really under there. The beauty of free will is that we choose who we want to be. There are outcomes and consequences to those choices. Our decision to face or not face the ideas we have, about ourselves and the world, that hold us back determines whether our lives change. And for better or worse that is our prerogative.

I have just found that in the long run it’s better to get out the flashlight and face whatever is hiding under the bed, no matter how scary it is at the time.

When We Don’t Know The Root Cause Of An Emotion

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My 11-year-old daughter has suddenly developed a fear of school. She has previously been very, very happy there, and can’t give a reason for feeling like this. She really wants to go but feels she can’t, and doesn’t know why. Any ideas?


photo by Martin LaBar

Obviously, with so little information, there is no real way to answer this question. A whole host of reasons could be contributing to this fear. The reasons might involve the classroom, the play ground, or problems with other students or schoolwork.

What we can do is talk about how we approach any emotional response where the cause is entirely unknown.

There are two basic courses we can take. I would recommend taking both of them at the same time. They are to 1) deal with the emotions in the moment and 2) investigate to find the root of the emotions. This way we cope with the short-term fear and try to find the roots of the fear so there won’t be the same response in the future.

The Emotion Right Now
One of the blessings of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is that we are able to use it right now for the emotions we are feeling in this moment. In this case I recommend two things.

First, I recommend tapping before bedtime on the fear about going to school the next day. If the fear is large enough it will be present the night before. It is good to deal with this at bedtime because this fear is going to affect her sleep.

Second, I recommend spending tapping in the morning before heading out the door to school or even on the ride to school.

In both cases the tapping is very simple. I would have her explain to me how the fear feels, how her body feels, and what she’s worried about. I wouldn’t use any complicated tapping phrases. I would have her tell me what is going on in her body and in her head while she taps.

Investigating the Roots
With the immediate fear under a little more control we can start looking around for the root cause. When working with a client I would use all the information about them and their history as a start. In this case I know nothing more than she is 11 years old. With that in mind I would start by asking questions around the common reasons an 11-year-old wouldn’t want to go to school.

My questions would be something like this.
1) Why does she feel like she can’t go?
It sounds like the questions has been asked, but it’s a good place to start every time. Often people — not just kids — have a hard time admitting why they are afraid. By asking again they might give an answer they didn’t before.

2) What could go wrong if she does go to school?
Fear usually involves not wanting to experience a bad outcome. They might be able to name the outcome they fear and not associate that with the fear itself.

3) This feeling of not wanting to go to school, what does it remind her of?
This is a classic EFT investigation question. When you don’t know the root, see what it reminds you of. Lots of information can be found here.

4) If she could change one thing about school, what would it be?
Sometimes we don’t want to say what we fear, but we are willing to say what we would like to see different. Fear is often associated with weakness. We don’t like to share why we are fearful. This question lets us answer without looking weak.

5) If she could go to a new school, how would the new school be different from her old school?
This is very much like the last question. By giving them a chance to say what they do want, we give them a way of not saying what they don’t want or fear.

6) If she could go to school tomorrow and know one person was not going to be there, who would she want that person to be?
No one likes to be a tattletale. Also for kids there might be fear of retaliation for turning a bully in. This way they don’t have to tell on someone else and yet are free to state their needs.

7) When she is not at school, what does she think the other students say about her?
People, not just kids, can be ruthless. We don’t like to be places where we’re being picked on, but again we don’t like to be tattletales. By asking the question in this fashion we are not asking her to tell on anyone. Instead, she is pretending what they might say. This is a safe way to share what she fears.

Obviously this is just a start, but I think it’s a good start. We can’t help but get closer to the roots.

It is important to remember that with EFT we always have two plans of attack. We can always deal with what we feel right now. Then we can deal with the roots of the emotions. If we can find our way in with both courses, then we should use them. We’re not helpless just because we don’t know the root. We can always reduce or resolve the immediate problem until we get to the root of the issue.

Hope for the Future

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For some reason I have very little hope for the future.  I just can see anything working out.  I think EFT can be helpful, but there is so much going on I can't seem to find the core issues.  Do you have any suggests on where to start?

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for clearing out the sense of gloom and doom that we can have for our future.  The obvious problem with dealing with these feelings is they are often very general.  They are feelings of “no opportunity” “no hope” or “only going to get worse”.  Because of these feelings it is hard for us to think in the specific.

When I am feeling hopeless, I don't think “I am hopeless because…” I just feel hopeless.

Whenever I am I have problems with coming up with why I am feeling an emotion I have found it very helpful to make statement that is opposite of the feeling.  When I make this opposite statements, my self-talk is able to tell my why part of me thinks that is not true, which leads me to the root beliefs.

For example, let's pretend that I am feeling hopeless about finding a better, higher paying job.  My general mood, “I am going to be stuck in this bad job forever.”  Since I don't know why I feel this way, I make a statement that is the exact opposite of how I see my situation.

As a side note, when we are using opposite statements it is important that we say them with as much energy as possible.  The reason we are doing this is because we are trying to activate as much self-talk as we can.  The self-talk we are looking for is the self-talk that tells us why we are never going to have this.

In this example I would say, “I am going to find the perfect job, that I enjoy and pays me $120,000 a year.”

When I do this every part of me that is hopeless because it doesn't believe it is true will say:

  • There are no jobs like that
  • You don't have enough education
  • You will have to move to get a job like that
  • If you got a job like they would fire you because you are not talented enough

I now have very clear information of what is at the root of my hopelessness about getting a better job.

When I do this I make sure I write down all of the negative self-talk that comes up.  I might come up with so many issues that I am not able to deal with them in this tapping session and I don't want to lose all of this great information.

Lately I have being doing this is a really unusual way, but it has been really powerful.  I was introduced recently to a poem from the 1920's.

Promise yourself to be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
Author: Christian D. Larson

The way I use it is like this.  I take each line of the poem add “I promise myself” to the beginning of the poem and then change all the “you” to “I”.  Like this…

I promise myself to be strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
I promise myself to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
I promise myself to make all my friend feel that there is something in them.
[How to use these tapping phrases]

And so on…

For each line I do a full round of tapping and pay attention to any self-talk that comes up.  I write that self-talk down, so I don't lose any of this great information to tap on it in the future.

I have been doing this every morning for a number of weeks and it has really gotten my day off to a great start.

EFT Losing Its Effectiveness

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When I first learned EFT it worked really quickly on everything. Now it isn’t working as well. Do we build up a resistance to EFT?

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a wonderful and powerful tool, but just we knowing how to do EFT doesn’t mean we are going to heal. I often use the example with clients, just because we know how to sit-ups doesn’t mean we’ll have washboard abs. EFT is no different. It only works when we take the time to use it.

We have all experienced the obstacles people unfamiliar with EFT put up to trying it. (Ex: That can’t work. It’s too easy to work. It is too weird. That’s just new age mumbo jumbo.)

Recently I have come across two thoughts that have caused clients who used EFT for a long period of time to stop using it.

Expect The “One Minute Miracle”
I still experience great joy the first time someone I am teaching gets quick relief from something that has gripped them for years. Often they have tried everything under the sun for relief from the problem. EFT is the first thing to provide lasting relief. It is just unbelievable that it could happen so fast.

Then as they try EFT “on everything,” they obtain quick relief to both physical and emotional issues. But they hit a wall. They find some pain or emotion that doesn’t go away (or isn’t noticeably reduced) in one round of tapping. They reason, since EFT didn’t work in 60 seconds, it must not be worth the trouble to keep on trying.

In these cases it usually just takes a cognitive reframe to get them back on board to using EFT. I simply talk them through their own experience. Many times they had invested months or years to get relief. Sure in this case it didn’t happen in 60 seconds, but it might be worth their time to give it 15 or 20 min. Usually this is all it takes.

More Than They Expected
It is a phenomena that I have noticed mostly with the clients I work with regularly, especially when their issue has many aspects that require multiple sessions (like weight loss or multiple traumatic memories that are similar).

Typically what happens is during the third or fourth session the client will start to feel very overwhelmed by the amount of work that remains. Because (in many cases for the first time) we have been looking so closely at the roots of a particular issue, the client is starting to understand how many different aspects there really are to the problem. In the past they had only thought about the surface issues. Now because they are doing healing work, they are facing the root of the problem head on. Many times this involves issues and memories their conscious mind had been ignoring.

It’s like when we are cleaning a bedroom. After cleaning the room, we decide to look under the bed and find all sorts of dirt and dust we had no idea was there.

When this happens I remind my clients that right now they are taking the short view and are forgetting all the work we have done to this point. And we start to tap:

Right now I am overwhelmed with how much work is left…Everywhere I turn there is another issue or aspect…It’s just like an onion, every time I peal a layer off, there is another waiting for me…This seems like it is never going to end…But I know how much progress I have made with these issues…Even though there seems to be so much work to do, I know I am healthier now than when I started…I also know that with EFT I have wonderful tool to continue this work…I know how much the progress I have made in the past has improved my life…And I know more progress is ahead…All I have to do is take a little time each day to tap…I am making baby steps…It might not feel like I am moving forward…But I know I am.[How to use these tapping phrases]