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Pod #511: How Our Ancestral Past Makes Us Feel Unsafe Today

June 9, 2021 by Gene Monterastelli

As my friend Jondi Whitis likes to say, “At our core we are herd animals.” This statement has some profound impact when it comes to how we see ourselves, the actions we take, and how self-sabotaging behaviors show up in our lives.

When we are making choices and taking action, we aren't just considering facts and practicalities, we are also influenced by our genetic heritage.

This week I explore how some of our hardwired survival instincts impact our ability to make choices that line up with our authentic selves AND how we can use tapping to get past this and live the lives we want.

Link mentioned in the episode:

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Click here to Read what others have to say or add your own thoughts and comments. I would really love to hear what you think!

Knowing Good Enough Is Good Enough OR The Myth Of Excellence

June 2, 2021 by Gene Monterastelli

Note: This article was originally shared on June 4th, 2013. This is an updated and edited version of that article.

While working with small business owners I bump into the issue of perfectionism a great deal. We all worry about what other people think of us but this becomes a particularly acute problem for small business owners whose success is directly related to their personal credibility and how they are perceived by others.

As an example, a client I'll call “Jane” was building a WordPress website for her business and she was unsure how she wanted it to look.

WordPress allows users to change the look and feel of an entire website at the click of a button by switching from one theme to another. There are thousands of free WordPress themes and Jane was overwhelmed by the choice. She wanted the website to be just perfect.

What Is “Just Perfect”?

I find the concept of “just perfect” interesting. What exactly does that mean?

For many the idea of “just perfect” means that what we choose has to be top of the line or in the top one percent. It needs to be better than everyone else.

But is that really worth striving for?

I don't think it is.

Often “just perfect” means that it is doing its job.

Where building a new website is concerned, it needs to provide information to prospective clients, so “just perfect” means that the site is visually clear, and easy to navigate and understand.

A $40 logo can be perfectly acceptable, so there's no need to spend $4000 on one.

Plain, easy-to-read text does the job just fine, so animations and videos are optional extras.

Ideally, a website is a delivery system for great content. Jane's readers will visit the site because of what they want to learn, not because of its fancy design.

That's not to downplay beautiful design and the thought that goes into the look and feel of a good website BUT it's important to understand the concept of “good enough”. Especially when we are just starting out, good enough is an excellent goal.

When Not Perfect = Failing

It is amazing that many of us feel like we have failed when something is just good enough.

We have been taught constantly to strive for better. We have been encouraged to dream. We long for a richer life. Because of all this expectation, we believe that if something isn't perfect, then it is bad.

I believe that in the majority of cases, good enough IS good enough!

Years ago, my father gave me a great example of understanding this concept. In order to sell a new product at work he needed to get at least 70% in a certification exam. In the weeks leading up to the exam he studied diligently. When he got home from the test I asked him how he did and he told me, “I got 74%…I studied too hard.”

He knew exactly what good enough was. He wasn’t looking for an ego boost in wanting the best score in the region or needing to prove anything to himself (or anyone else). He just needed to pass the test so that he could move on to the next thing.

Being Perfect At Being Good Enough

I was talking about the idea of “good enough is good enough” with another client. She asked, “How do I master the idea of ‘knowing good enough is good enough’?”

I paused for a moment.

And then she laughed at herself as she realized how ridiculous that statement was…she had just asked “How do I be perfect at ‘not needing to be perfect all the time'?”

The key to transforming our sense of perfectionism is first to be easy with ourselves, and to be easy with the process of not being so hard on ourselves. By doing this we can focus on what is needed to be successful and release the need for everything to be perfect in order to be successful.

Here's a tapping script you can use when you are struggling with the need to be perfect when good enough is just that:

It is important that I continue to strive in my life…There are parts of my life that I would like to be richer…There are relationships I would like to be fuller…I have gifts and talents I want to share with the world…But this doesn't mean that everything has to be the very best…It is important that I keep all of my goals in perspective…Just because something can be done better doesn't mean that it has to be done better…My laundry needs to be folded well enough…My bed needs to be made well enough…My car needs to be parallel parked well enough…It is possible for me to do all these things better…But nothing would be achieved by the extra effort…There are so many things I would like to grow into…That I need only spend as much time as is necessary on each task…I don't want to do less than is necessary…But it is important that I maintain balance and perspective…What is essential is the final goal…Not each of the pieces…I give myself permission to be comfortable with good enough…And to know that good enough isn't settling…But instead by achieving good enough I am giving myself the time and resources for all the parts making up what I am trying to achieve…I am going to keep the big picture in mind…To understand what is good enough in each situation…Good enough is not failing…It is good enough…And that is just perfect.

Click here to Read what others have to say or add your own thoughts and comments. I would really love to hear what you think!

Pod #510: The Reason I Wasn’t Taking Action

May 26, 2021 by Gene Monterastelli

One of my favorite ways to use tapping is to help people to take the actions they want more consistently. At this point it is probably the number one focus of my work with clients in private sessions.

It's an issue that I love working with BUT it doesn't mean that I am immune to self-sabotage in my own life.

In August of 2019 I conceived a new project that resonated with me all the way to my core. It felt more like a calling than a project. It is now 19 months later and I am just now getting around to doing it.

In this week's podcast I talk about how and why I got in my own way, the catalyst that pushed me past my fear and, most importantly, how you too can use these same steps to take charge of your own sabotaging behaviors.

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Why I Am Giving Up On Self-Improvement (But I Haven’t Stopped Tapping)

May 20, 2021 by Gene Monterastelli

This was originally written Jan 5th, 2010 and has been updated.

Author Nick Hornby was interviewed by Jesse Thorn from the radio program The Sound of Young America around the time that his new book “Juliet, Naked” was published.

In the interview Thorn asked Hornby about his screenplay for the movie “An Education”. Thorn commented that his wife, Theresa, had thought that the movie was identifiably Horby's work because it is about people becoming comfortable with who they are, rather than trying to be better.

The idea of not improving, but becoming comfortable with who we are is really interesting to me.

If you were in a bookstore, whether brick and mortar or virtual, the topics covered here at Tapping Q & A would be found in the self-help or self-improvement section.

In some ways the aim of self-improvement implies that there is something wrong with us, or else there wouldn't be anything to improve upon. Of course I'm not saying there is nothing I could improve on, but on some level I do believe that humans are all perfect and eternal.

It is good that we strive for better. It is good that we strive to be all that we can be, but I believe we are doing ourselves a profound disservice by thinking we are always in need of improvement.

Much of the peace I have found in the world goes back to becoming comfortable with who I am.

Blessing who I am.

Loving who I am.

By shifting my focus from self-improvement to self-acceptance and self-love, I am able to be everything I am and appreciate everything that the world is. When I am fully myself I am best able to find and appreciate the richness of life. That is where I find joy, happiness, and blessings.

At the beginning of each year I decide on a specific focus for the internal work that I want to do in the months ahead. In 2020 my work was to be gentle with myself. Being gentle with myself isn't about improving myself, but loving and accepting myself in all my imperfections.

Here is a simple tapping script to help you to work towards the same:

I have been made perfectly…This does not mean I do everything perfectly…This does not mean that I can’t strive for more and better…It simply means that at my core…At my essence…I am perfect…When I am able to recognize the part of me that is perfect…Then I am able to become everything I am made to be in this moment…I can recognize the part of me that is perfect without being complacent…I can recognize the part of me that is beautiful and still grow…I can see the blessings in my life and be open to receiving more…I am no longer going to strive for self-improvement…I am going to strive to become who I am in every moment…I don’t need to improve who I am…I desire to be who I am made to be more fully…I am made for love…I am made for connection…I am made to be who I am in this moment…I am not made to be who others think I should be…I am not made to be what others want me to be…This does not mean I am complacent…This does not mean I am stagnant…It means that I am striving to live who I am fully in every moment…I will not do this perfectly…But I am going to strive for this…When I strive to be who I am fully…Then I will recognize the grace of the moment…I will be filled with joy in the moment…I will be who I truly am.

Pod #509: Exciting Changes Are Coming To Tapping Q & A

May 12, 2021 by Gene Monterastelli

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Today's podcast is a little bit different. I'm going to give you an update on some really great changes that are coming to the Tapping Q & A website. Below is an edited transcript of the information that I am sharing in this week's podcast so that you can either listen by clicking the play button above or read the text below, whichever works best for you.

Before I share the story of the upcoming website changes, I'd like to provide some context based on what has happened over the course of the last couple of months, as well as the last 14 years.

Since I started working with clients about 14 years ago, there have been three separate occasions on which a number of clients fired me, all within the space of about ten days.

The reasons they gave ranged from changes in their lives…to someone complaining about the clinking of the ice cubes in my water glass, which led them to believe I wasn't paying attention to them or the session. (It's a long story.)

The first time this happened it completely freaked me out. All of a sudden a number of clients decided to stop working with me and I started to wonder if my business could succeed. The second time it happened, some years later, it freaked me out, but much less so.

Since this had happened twice I took the time to think and reflect to see if I could figure out what was going on. On both occasions I came to the realization that I had been going through a transformation and evolution at a rate that the people I was serving were not.

This doesn't mean that I was more evolved than my audience, but rather the things that were interesting and transformational for me were not the same things that were lining up with my audience.

We were out of sync and no longer a good fit. I coach my business clients all the time around the idea that when someone says “no” they're not judging you and they're not judging your work. They're saying this is not the right fit for them right now, based on the information they have and on their current resource state.

It's a statement of fit and nothing more.

The third time that this happened in my practice I didn't freak out. Instead I thought “Oh! Look at that. Yes, I have been evolving and I have been transforming.” I was excited because the last two times this had happened new people, new opportunities, and new experiences showed up that were a much better fit for me, and were a much better fit for my clients.

I want you to hear that particular piece of information loud and clear. It's not a value judgment on me or a value judgment on them. It's a statement of fit.

The fourth time

If you've been paying attention to the website at all, in the last couple of months, I have been sharing with you a truly amazing program called the Tapping Success Academy.

Over the course of February, March, and April I felt frustrated and disheartened that the program had not been as successful as I'd hoped. I spent hundreds of hours creating and refining it and was so excited about the quality and depth of the content that it was deeply disappointing not to have a more enthusiastic reception.

Last month I was on Zoom with one of my clients. It is her habit at the beginning of every call together for her to check in with me. She likes to know what's going on in my life because it makes it easier for her to be coached. I shared with her my disappointment in how the program had not been as successful as I would like it to be.

She is a highly intuitive person and her response was, “Well, of course, it isn't working out the way you would like. I know why and you'll figure it out.” I replied by saying “Please, if you know, just tell me what's going on!” She replied, “You've outgrown your audience.”

And that made perfect sense to me.

The reality is “outgrown” is again the wrong word. The reality is that over the course of the last year and a half I have been doing a great deal of internal work. I have been tapping daily and that has resulted in some amazing transformations in my life, both personally and professionally.

The problem is I have been presenting and producing content from that pre-transformational space, not from where I am right now.

Reflection on where to go from here

Over the course of the last three or four weeks, I've spent a lot of time ruminating on this and trying to figure out the best way forward. I have realized that my messaging and how I share resources need to be much clearer. I need to make it much easier for you to find the resources you need on the website.

Right now the website is trying to do too many different things, which leads to confusion on where to find the most useful tool in the moment when you are looking for it.

Last weekend I was working in one of my favorite coffee shops here in Brooklyn and I came to a drawing that makes a great deal of sense for me. It is a Venn diagram with three intersecting circles that has made the way forward for the website clear and concise so that you will easily be able to find the content you need.

If you have been paying attention to the website, then the three areas that most fascinate me will not surprise you.

The first is the idea of changing resource state. When I say resource state, I am referring to the way that we feel. It is about changing our emotions. It's going from sad to happy, from hesitant to confident, or from tired to energetic. Our resource state is something that we can change in a moment, and when we shift our resource state, we are able to make different choices.

The second area I'm interested in is taking action and clearing self-sabotage. I love thinking about this because for me the consequence of transformation is taking new action, which leads to new possibilities and results.

The third area of my focus is the philosophical and spiritual ideas around transformation and how we show up in the world. Sometimes this is purely a spiritual conversation, while at other times is a deeper exploration of how we see ourselves in the world and how we use these tools.

As a perfect example of this, at the end of last month's Art of Delivery Monthly class, the session ended with a profound group conversation on the topic of revenge. We talked about what revenge is, why we have revenge fantasies, and how we approach feeling vengeful. We discussed how you can tap for it and why it is part of the human experience.

The new structure

I have realized that I need to restructure the way I present content.

The Tapping Q & A Podcast will continue to exist in a form that you are used to, but there will be a couple of slight changes. The first change is that the podcast will come out every other week instead weekly. It will be focused on interviews with other practitioners to give listeners access to new worldviews and particularly how you can hone the art of delivery for deeper transformation when tapping.

In the weeks that new podcasts do not come out, I will share resources that focus on how we can change our resource state. Resources will include tools, approaches, tapping scripts and tap-along audios to shift your resource state and help you to feel better in this moment.

To facilitate this there will be upgrades to the website to make it much easier for you to find the right resource. Over the coming months, as the changes happen, if you struggle to find something that you knew where it was before just shoot me an email.

Two New Podcasts

To serve my other two areas of interest, over the course of the next four months I will be creating two new podcasts. One will be purely a conversation about the spiritual aspects of who we are in the world and how we are called to connect with others as we love, support, and learn from one another.

It will not be specifically a tapping podcast, but the same concepts will apply. When that podcast is launched around the second or third week of June, I will send you a short note about it, but I promise not to flood your inbox or this podcast with that content because they are so different.

The second podcast will come out three or four times a week, starting later this summer. These episodes will be short five-minute reflections, specifically around taking action, clearing self-sabotage, and business building.

The Future

All of these changes reflect what is going in my mind, heart, and soul. I hope you continue to join me on this journey, but if these changes do not serve you, I'm sure you will find another source of great resources that meet you where you are.

If you have any questions about anything that I have shared, I would love to hear from you.

As we move forward I encourage you to:

Keep asking questions
Keep making recommendations about what resources would be useful for you
Share the resources with others who might find them useful

I understand that I am not everybody's cup of tea. I do not have a monopoly on the best way for transformation. My hope is that as I share what I learn from my client experiences, from my training, from my personal reflection, and from my own transformation, that it might occasionally contain a nugget or two in there that is useful for you too.

Again, just drop me a note, if you have any thoughts or questions.