Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

I Can’t Do It Unless I Do It Perfectly – One Of The Most Common Reasons We Don’t Take Action

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There are lots of things that motivate us to do well. We all want to be successful. We want to be proud of our work and we want others to recognize our good work.

Sometimes there is an even more powerful driver to success itself: the worry that others will criticize our work.

When we are working from this fear we are coming from a place where everything has to be perfect. The problem is that we are rarely perfect. Since we are rarely perfect we don’t try because we are afraid of the criticism that will result from our imperfection.

Recently I was working with a client named “Brian” who was having a hard time taking action because he needed things to be perfect. During our session we found that he believed the following:

  • I have to be perfect at everything.
  • When I am not perfect it feels horrible.
    • I am not living up to what I should live up to.
    • Others will look down on me.
    • I am going to let myself down.
    • I am going to feel foolish when I fail.
  • Therefore, I am only going to attempt things I know I can do perfectly.

These beliefs were serving Brian well. They spared him the misery of feeling foolish by avoiding the conditions that required him to be perfect.

The problem was that everything didn’t really need to be perfect. The consequences he feared were not real but because of this fear of what would go wrong if he wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t trying anything at all.

So we tapped:

I don’t have to be perfect at everything…there are lots of things where I just need to do well enough…I don’t have to tie my shoes perfectly…I don’t need to make a sandwich perfectly…I don’t have to make the bed perfectly…there are lots of things in my life where all I need is to do them well enough…this doesn’t mean that I will stop striving…this doesn’t mean that I will stop striving for excellence…but I am going to keep everything in perspective…I am going to give myself permission to know that I can do some things well enough without having to do them perfectly.

This round of tapping created a greater sense of peace for Brian, but he could still feel some resistance. For some reason it was still a standard he felt he needed to live up to so we continued the work by going after the definition of perfect:

It is good that I am trying to be perfect…this is rooted in wanting to do my best…this is rooted in wanting to become my best self…but perfect isn’t about getting everything right…perfect is about doing the best that I can…perfect is about living in this moment…perfect is being able to be thankful for this moment…perfect is being able to recognize that in this moment I get to choose who I am…in this moment I get to learn more about myself in the world…perfect is being easy enough with myself that I know I will get another chance…perfect is striving to be my better self…I am always going to be a work in progress…I am never going to do everything perfectly…but I can live this moment as perfect…by striving to be my best…this moment can be perfect because I can learn from the things I am not doing perfectly

This created more peace and relief for Brian. It also created a belief that he could move forward without having to be perfect. As we were doing the tapping described above, Brian remembered his father’s need for perfection from Brian, even when he was a young child. We then tapped to clean up the emotions in those memories.

The need to be perfect, or the fear of what will happen if we aren’t, is one of the most common reasons we don’t take action. Tapping is great for working on that part of you that needs to be perfect.

[Note: Are you looking for tools to help you get out of your own way and achieve what you really want? Check this out]

Overwhelmed By Emotions While Doing EFT: Preventing It From Happening And Dealing With It If It Does

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When I tap I find that I have so many emotions and memories coming up all at once that I feel overwhelmed. It is like they are queuing up to be fixed! Yes, I’m glad this stuff comes up and I deal with it as it comes, but issues are tumbling out so fast they are landing on top of each other. I can’t spend all day in the bathroom at work, how do I deal with all these emotions without feeling overwhelmed?


photo by Ashley Pollak

I have heard of this experience from a number of my clients. It is much like stirring up pond water, the moment you start poking around in it the sediment from the bottom is disturbed and clouds the water.

We can be quite unaware of all the emotions and memories we are carrying around. When we start doing healing work we can stir up the pond and find much more than we bargained for.

I have two recommendations that will help you to not be overcome with emotions when you are tapping. One is for before you dive in, and the other is for when you’ve stirred up more than you bargained for.

Preventing Feeling Emotionally Overwhelmed While Doing EFT By Creeping Up On The Issue

One of the benefits of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is that we are able to creep up on a problem slowly while still doing effective work. Some techniques and therapies require you to dive into intense pain around an issue before you can start healing. It is possible to use EFT in this fashion, but I don’t recommend this approach when doing work alone without the guidance of a skilled practitioner.

I’m not a fan of feeling pain for the sake of pain. Why do healing work in a way that causes a lot of discomfort and distress when you can do it much more gently? A perfect example of this is how we can use EFT to deal with a fear of heights.

We could blindfold someone, take them to the top of a high building, let them freak out on realising where they are, and then start to do EFT.

Is it possible to be successful like this? Maybe, but we’d cause a lot of unnecessary pain in the process.

When I work with someone with this type of fear we start in the suburbs. I tell them that in a while we’ll be going downtown to the top of the tallest building. For someone who fears heights this will cause their anxiety level to rise sharply and we deal with this anxiety by using EFT.

When they are at ease with the thought of heading downtown, we move to the car. In most cases their level of anxiety again rises as the journey to the top of a high building approaches. Again, we do EFT to deal with the anxiety. Once the anxiety is gone we start to drive downtown.

We repeat the process as many times as necessary, stopping to use EFT every time the level of anxiety goes above a 5 until we reach the top of the building. If this means we have to stop the car every 10 minutes and do EFT with each step we take toward the elevator, we do it.

Can this take a great deal of time? Yes. Is it a safe way to heal? In my mind it clearly is.

I recommend that whatever issue you are working on you creep up on it as gently as possible. By doing this you will prevent yourself from becoming overwhelmed. I am in favor of erring on the side of caution even if it means that the healing takes a little more time.

If you think there is a large emotional core to an issue you want to work on I encourage you to take your time. Even when you are doing EFT in a way that feels very slow, it is still a much faster path to healing than most other approaches.

When The Overwhelming Emotions Come Out Of Nowhere While Doing EFT

Sometimes we can’t prevent the flood of emotions and memories. When we started we thought we were working with on an easy, straightforward issue but then something much bigger is uncovered.

We know that EFT is most effective when we can take memories and the emotions associated with them one at a time. It can be difficult to do this when we feel unexpectedly overwhelmed by a group of emotions or memories coming to the surface all at once. Trying to separate them is like trying to separate raindrops in a rainstorm.

When this happens I run through a few steps to calm the storm.

1) Deal with any emotion that you have about being overwhelmed.
We know that we are supposed to break down memories and emotions to clear them effectively and it can be frustrating when we aren’t able to do so. This also produces anxiety that tapping won’t work.

If there is any frustration about being overwhelmed with emotions and memories then that feeling of frustration is the best place to start tapping. The more frustrated you are, the less clearly you’ll see the issues at hand. As you tap give yourself permission to take this slowly. Remember it’s OK not to know everything at once.

Tap on:

I know EFT works better when I can break things down…right now the emotions are coming all at once…I don’t know where to begin…and I feel like I am never going to be able to clear of all of this…but I don’t need to be frustrated or overwhelmed…I will be able to use EFT to take it apart a bit at a time…and by taking it apart little by little it will be manageable…as I break it into pieces it will be easier and easier to manage…I give myself permission to take this slowly…it’s OK that right now I don’t know everything that is going on…[How to use these tapping phrases]

[Side Note: You might also want to take a look at this article on the fear of fear. Sometime we feel overwhelmed because we are afraid of what we will find. If that is the case I think this is a very helpful approach: Fear of Fear]

2) Paint a picture of all the emotions at once
Since we are unable to deal with the emotions one at a time we might as well go after them all at once. Again, this is going to be a somewhat imprecise approach, but the goal of this step is to help us to achieve some clarity so that we can start picking the emotions apart.

In this step tune into all the emotions you are feeling at once. Create a picture in your mind’s eye. Is it something inside of you, or surrounding you? Is it a weight pressing on you or something swirling around you? Is it a mist, a fog, or a storm? Or is it something completely different?

It doesn’t matter what your mind’s eye leads you to, just tune into that image. What color is it? What shape is it? How much does it weigh? What is it made of? Treat this image in exactly the same way you would tune into physical pain.

Now start to tap. At first, just tune into all the characteristics of the image you have just created. As you move from tapping point to point move to a different characteristic — the color, shape, size, weight, where it is located in your body. Keep tuning in and keep tapping.

As you do this you will notice the storm of emotion losing its intensity.

3) Change the image into what needs to happen next
After spending a little time tapping with the image you have in mind, it’s time to change that image. You will either turn it into something new, get rid of it, or destroy it.

If it’s a tornado, see it move off into the distance. If it’s a fog or mist, see the warm morning sun melt it away. If it’s a haze hanging in the air, see environmental engineers with air filters suck away the polluted air, leaving only pure air. If it’s green toxic goo in your chest, see a team of street cleaners work the area over and clean it up. If it’s a heavy metal weight on your chest or shoulders, see little workmen with jackhammers breaking it up.

While doing this, just keep tapping. How you change the image doesn’t matter, but change it for the better. Ask yourself the question, “How could I make this feel better?” and see it happen.

As you do this you will find that you are more relaxed, your issues seem smaller, and you can start to pick the individual emotions apart.

4) Tap on the individual emotions and memories
As the whirlwind of emotions and memories calm you will begin to see each part separately. Now that you can see each part, take them one at a time and tap for them.

Conclusions

The beauty of EFT is we don’t have to feel a great deal of pain for it to be effective. We can work gently on any issue by creeping up on it. There will be times when we become overwhelmed with emotions. When this happens we can still do work by:

  • dealing with the frustration of feeling overwhelmed
  • grouping all the emotions together
  • bringing their intensity down as a group, giving us the space we need to break the emotions apart into manageable pieces

It is important to have a plan when it comes to dealing with feeling emotionally overwhelmed. When you were in grade school your teachers had you practice how to get out of the school if there was a fire. If something did happen then you knew the plan. By having a plan for unexpectedly feeling emotionally overwhelmed you will be able to handle it if it shows up.

Understanding The Healing Process With EFT – Keeping the Long View

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photo by Wally Gobetz

I have started using EFT on a big issue. Some days it is really easy for me to tap. Other days I feels so hard to tap because I feel a million miles away from my goal. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something differently?

I hear this all the time from clients. They find it hard to stay focused on an issue when it takes more than one session. It is easy to feel frustrated with tapping when we hear stories of one minute or one session miracles all the time.

There are good reasons why it takes time with many issues, but it can be difficult.

When we are in the middle of an emotion, such as feeling overwhelmed, all we can feel is overwhelmed and we lose track of all the progress we have made on the issue in previous sessions.

Here are a few things to keep in mind that will keep you on track when working on larger issues.

Healing Has Ups And Downs As We Get Better And Better

One of my favorite analogies of healing is of a stretched spring. Imagine a long spring in front of you. It is stretched from the floor to the ceiling at a 45 degree angle. Imagine that it is going from the lower left to the upper right.

If we trace the spring we will be going up and down with each spiral, but as we move along the length of the whole spring we will be moving in an upward direction in the long term.

This is what our healing experience is like. As we are tapping on our issues we are slowly moving up, but there will be daily up and down moments.

The problem comes when we are having a down moment. The problem is not that we are down, but when we are down we are so completely caught in that negative emotion that we lose track of the progress we’re making. We forget all that we achieved on the way to that point.

This doesn’t negate or explain away the negative emotion we are feeling in the moment, but it does give us some perspective. Healing seems more attainable when we have this perspective.

Almost without exception, when I’m working with a client over six weeks I expect that I’ll need to point out that they really have made a great deal of progress, even though they can’t feel it right now.

It Is Easy To Miss Our Progress

Here is a perfect example of one of my clients “Debbie” who didn’t see how much progress she had made.

Here is a little background on what Debbie was dealing with: Debbie’s mom has battled with cancer on and off for years and has been in hospital frequently in the last two years. Debbie’s sister is currently pregnant with twins. Debbie had made a change to who was providing the daily care for her mother and she called her sister to explain the new arrangement.

For some reason as Debbie was explaining the changes her sister started screaming and yelling. Her sister was yelling in such a ferocious way that Debbie couldn’t understand a word she was saying.

Debbie calmly explained she was sorry her sister was so mad at her, but Debbie was happy with the choices she had made. She offered her sister a chance to have a reasonable conversation about what had transpired, but it was not acceptable for her to be spoken to in that way.

Her sister hung up!

It was quite amazing that Debbie had responded so calmly. I know I might not have done so well.

What was even more amazing was her response considering her history. I’d worked with Debbie intermittently over eighteen months. When I first met her she would have flown off the handle if her sister had spoken to her in that way. Then she would have cried. Then she would have called a friend and cried to her friend. Then she would have felt bad for burdening her friend with her issues.

What Debbie understood was that her sister might be over-emotional because of her pregnancy and their mother’s illness. She saw that it might not have anything to do with what she had done, but this was the place her sister was choosing to lash out.

Debbie was able to react in this way because she was much more comfortable in her own skin. Eighteen months ago she would have taken the attack personally. Her fragile self-esteem would have been bruised by the experience. She would have responded in anger (which is the body’s way of protecting itself from an attack).

This is not to say that Debbie shouldn’t protect herself, or that responding in anger is always bad. Instead, in this situation Debbie identified the situation for what it was and realized that she wasn’t IN FACT being attacked but was the chosen recipient for some misguided rage.

The most amazing about the whole instance was that Debbie didn’t even realize she was responding differently than she would have done in the past.

As her sister was yelling at her she didn’t think, “I am choosing not to take this attack personally. I am going to be calm.” She was just calm. It was only when I pointed out to her that she had responded differently that she realized the extent of her own transformation.

Taking A Moment To See Our Transformation

The reason the change was less obvious to Debbie was because she was not making a new choice. Instead, she has transformed how she sees herself. Between the work we had done together and the work she has done on her own, Debbie transformed her understanding of her own worth.

Debbie is not “doing” anything differently. She is “being” someone different. Because she is comfortable in her own skin it is natural for her not to overreact to the attack, because there is no good reason for the attack.

It is just as important for us to recognize this type of transformation as it is to recognize that when we are down in the moment we are still moving upwards over the long haul. When we recognize this sort of transformation it benefits us in two ways. First, we can celebrate that we are doing better than before. Second, it encourages us to progress further.

Debbie’s experience is a perfect example of The Stages Awareness. I encourage you to read that piece to help you see where you are on the path to healing, showing you that you are on the right path and what further steps can be taken.

It is natural and common to be caught up in where we are in this moment.

If you are feeling like you aren’t making progress with an issue take a step back and ask yourself, “In the last few weeks, how far have I come with this issue?”

You will be surprised and feel re-energized to keep working on it.

Filed Under: Q&A

5 Things You Must Know Before Doing EFT With Children and Teens

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photo by Fine Shots

Tapping with children can be a very rewarding experience. In many cases children take to tapping much faster than adults because they are more willing to try new things and aren’t hung up on why something is working. They just want to feel better.

Here are five things to keep in mind when teaching kids to tap. (Note: All five lessons below are hard won. I know them to be true because I have done the opposite of all five at one point.)

1) They Are Smarter Than You Think

I recently spoke to 600 middle school students about bullying. To start the presentation I talked about why bullies bully. I talked about what happens on an emotional level and how that affects our choices. At the end of the presentation the children broke up into to small groups with their adults to talk about what they can do to stop bullying in their schools. After the small group time a number of the adults walked up to me to express how surprised they were with the complexity of thoughts the kids had, the emotions they experienced, and how overall thoughtful they were.

Kids don't have the vocabulary to express their emotions and thoughts the way adults do, but they are thinking real thoughts about their lives, their emotions, and who they are. Give them space to talk about their emotions, teach them how to talk about them, and they will surprise you (in really good ways).

2) You Must Be Authentic Or They Will Tune You Out

Kids today are very savvy because of their access to information and technology. They are treated by big business as a market place and they are constantly sold to through television and online. Because of this they have very sophisticated BS detectors and they can tell when someone is not being authentic with them.

It is so tempting to want to be cool and hip when talking with kids (especially teens), thinking you are “speaking their language”. It is just the opposite. They don't want some line or for you to talk like them. They want someone who is just being who they are, even if that means being your dorky self.

You can’t ask a child to honest with their emotions and be comfortable inside their own skin unless you are willing to try to do the same.

3) Your Job Is To Love Them, Not Be Loved By Them

When we are working with teens or children we are doing it because we want better for them. That is the goal. Nothing more. Nothing less. We are not trying to be their friend and we are not trying to gain their admiration. We have our own friends and peers for that. This doesn't mean that we act like jerks or that we don't care, forgetting to treat them with respect. Sometimes wanting the best for someone is asking them to do difficult things and things they might not enjoy.

To help them heal we need their respect, not their love and affection. It is OK to be comfortable with that notion.

4) Teach Them Tools

Children (and most people) don't care how or why tapping works. They are just looking for something that makes them feel better. When working with kids and teens give them tools. They don't need theory. They want to be better, happier, and healthier. Once they know the tool works they might ask you how it works and why.

I love coming up with little processes that are easy to follow.

For example, a great way for parents to teach kids to tap for themselves is have them tap and explain four things whilst they are tapping.

  • What was the best part of the day?
  • What was the worst part of the day?
  • What are they looking forward to tomorrow?
  • What are they worried about tomorrow?

Very simple. It is easy to remember and easy to do. Once they have the tools they can take care of themselves.

5) Start With How The Emotions Feel In The Body

As I said above, children (and many adults) don't have the skill or vocabulary to talk about their emotions as emotions. I like to have them talk about how the emotions feel in the body to help them to tune in.

They might not have the vocabulary to talk about the disappointment that comes with poor grades vs. fighting with a friend. They might call both of these emotions “mad”. But if you get them to talk about how it feels in the body they will be able to be more specific. By describing where the emotion is in the body (head, throat, stomach…) and how it feels in these places (heavy, tight, hot…) they will be much more successful with their tapping.

Go For It

You don't have to be perfect when working with teens or children. They are looking for adults who care about them and care about their wellbeing. Show up from a place of love, treat them with respect, be ready for lots of questions and you will be a great tapping teacher and tapping role model for them.

What have you found works well when tapping with kids? What mistakes have you made from which you have learned? Click here to add your own thoughts and comments or read what others have to say. I would really love to know what you think!

How To Use EFT When A Problem Feels Too Big Or Too Painful To Tackle

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I want to use EFT to work on a major issue in my life, but somehow I always find an excuse not to do it. I know it will help me. I do want to get over this, but it just doesn’t happen. What can I do?


photo by (Erik)

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern when it comes to tapping on big issues. Certain people learn to use EFT, see the benefit of it in their lives, and yet still decide it’s not for them.

I was given new insight into this type of avoidance when I was tapping with a close friend “Sandy” recently.

Someone in Sandy’s life, who lived hundreds of miles away, had been hurt in a very violent physical attack.

Sandy was disappointed in herself for not being able to stop the attack from happening, she was sad about the attack, she was scared that her loved one wouldn’t seek the attention she needed out of fear, she felt helpless from such a great distance, and she worried that it would happen again. These were just a few of the emotions racing through her mind.

We agreed that I would come over to her place so that we could tap together. When I arrived at her home we talked about everything in the world… except what I had come for. This continued for almost an hour. Finally I asked, “Do you want to tap or not?”

I wasn’t frustrated or angry; I was giving her an out. Sometimes people feel safer having this type of conversation with a paid professional rather than a close friend.

She hemmed and hawed as she tried not to answer.

So I asked, “Why are you afraid to do the work?”

“Because it’s going to hurt. I know how raw my emotions are right now. I feel like I’ve let my loved one down. I don’t want to wander into that pain.”

All of that was fair. I asked her, “How large are all the emotions you’re feeling?” (This was for the emotions around her loved one plus the emotions around her fear of having to wade into the problem.)

With her hands she showed something about the size of a beach ball.

We did some work on her fear of what we might uncover and how much it would hurt to dive into the emotions around this incident. I then asked her how much emotion was left (in all areas). She indicated something about 30% of the size of the original.

This was a useful insight for me. She was more emotional about her reaction to the incident than she was about the incident itself.

Later, as I reflected on this, it brought to mind all of the people — me included — who avoid doing work in some area of our lives because we are afraid of what we’d uncover about ourselves.

The belief is, “The crap I know right now is better than the crap around the corner. Sure, my life isn’t perfect right now, but I can manage my present pain and disappointment. If I go looking to change my life, who knows what I’ll stir up.”

This is not an indictment for not wanting to look under the bed to see what’s really under there. The beauty of free will is that we choose who we want to be. There are outcomes and consequences to those choices. Our decision is to face or not face the ideas we have about ourselves and the world, that hold us back and determine whether or not our lives change.

In my own life I have found that in the long run it’s better to get out the flashlight and face whatever is hiding under the bed, no matter how scary it feels at the time.

Next Steps

When you are facing something that feels too big to tap on try tapping like this:

Right now I have a really big issue to tap on…I know the tapping for the issue will be helpful in the long term…but I am worried that if I tap for this issue it will be too much…I will uncover things I don’t want to experience…I will find painful past memories…I will have to relive it all over again…and I don’t want to do that…It is good that I am trying to take care of myself…It is good that I am trying to avoid the pain of reliving this…And I know that with tapping I don’t have to dive all the way into an issue to make a difference…I can spend a little time tapping on how I feel right now…without having to go all the way to the root…It might be better to go all the way to the root…but that can wait…Sometimes it is healthier for me to just do a little at a time…so that when I am ready to do the deep work I will already have cleared a path…I give myself permission to be easy with myself…I give myself permission to be easy with the healing process…Knowing I don’t have to do it all at once…Knowing that if I do a little at a time I can feel safe and still make progress.