Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

8 Things To Keep In Mind When Tapping With Your Kids

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I love tapping/EFT and would love my kids to be able to tap as well. How do I introduce tapping to my kids?

I love the fact that parents can (and want to) tap with their kids. When I was home over Christmas visiting my family the year a seven year old, who we will call “T”, walked up to me with a huge grin and said, “Me and mommy still tap together every night before I go to bed.”


photo by Anguskirk

It was obvious that not only was T enjoying the benefits of tapping but she was also enjoying that special time with mom every night before bed.

Tapping with kids is very easy. Often it is easier to tap with kids than adults because they don't get hung up on how weird tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can feel when doing it.

Here are 8 things to keep in mind when introducing tapping and actually tapping with your kids.

You Don't Need To Explain What Is Going On
This might seem obvious, but kids (and most people for that matter) don't need to know why it works or how it works. They just want to feel better. Often times I just say something as simple as, “Did you know that you have buttons on your body which you can push that will help the bad feelings go away?”

I have never met a child that needed more information than that. Remember, most people care about feeling better over anything else. They are willing to do something that seems weird for the promise feeling better.

Keep It Simple
You don't need to teach them complicated set-phrases, formulas of how to describe what is going on, or all of the tapping points. I have found it best to just teach them 8 or 9 tapping points. When they are tapping I just have them “tell me what is going on and how do you feel about it?”

By simply tapping and having them tell you the story they are going to tuning in a prefect way. Children's imagination is so powerful because they are using it all the time. They are using the same imagination when they are telling you about what happened and/or why they are so upset.

Many times I think we make the mistake of having someone tell us about what is going on and then we start tapping on what they just described. Once they know how to tap, just have them start tapping as they tell you what is going on. This will immediately start to clear what ever is going on.

[Note: If you have a really upset child (esp. one that is having a hard time taking because they are so upset) then they are not going to need to say anything out loud to tune into what is going on. They are already there. Just start by tapping. As they calm down you can have them start to tell you what is going on.]

Introduce Tapping Before It Is Needed
It is best to introduce tapping before you are dealing with a major emotional melt down. When a child is having a really hard time it is difficult to get them to focus on anything, much less something new. By teaching your kids how to tap under normal circumstances will make it much easier to tap when things are emotional.

Below there you will find a recommendation on how to tap with your kids before bed. This is a great way to introduce them to tapping so that when things are more emotional they know what to do.

The Nature of Children's Emotions And How They Talk About Them
Children's emotions are much more acute than adult emotions. What I mean by this is there are less shades of grey in a child's emotions. This is not to say that their emotions are real or meaningful, but most children have many few shades of any given emotion than adult.

Also, it is import to keep in mind that talking about your emotions is a skill. Some people are very good at this, while others don't know how to talk about what they are feeling. Most children don't have a lot of experience talking about their emotions. Because of this they might not be very skilled at it.

I have found that kids are very good about talking about how they are physically feeling and these physical feelings can be a great way of tuning while tapping. I have found it is best to give them a few examples when getting them to describe what is going on.

“You said you feel angry. How dose that feel in our body? Does it make your feel hot or is there lots of energy like electricity in your chest or do you feel like you want to punch something or does it feel something like else?”

By giving them some examples you are showing them how to do it and by giving them the chance to come up with some other options you are going to tap into their amazing imagination.

SUDs Levels
The traditional SUDs level is hard to do with children because rating how big an emotion from 0 to 10 is a very abstract activity. I don't often use any sort of rating scale with kids, but when I do I just have them show me how big the emotion is just like they were showing the size of a fish. Again, I will demonstrate what I am asking.

“Is your anger this big [hands a few inches apart], this big [hands a foot apart], this big [hands a few feet apart], or this big [arms stretched out wide]?”

The base line they give us is only important in showing us progress. All we are looking for is the size to get smaller and smaller after each round of tapping. It doesn't matter if they start at three feet apart or one foot apart.

Tapping At The End Of The Day
A great way to introduce tapping to kids is to make it part of their daily routine. If it is something they are comfortable doing when they are calm it is going to be easier to do when they are emotional.

Also, tapping daily will help with their general mood, will reduce emotional over reactions, and help them to sleep better.

There is a very easy four step process you can do with your kids to end each day. When you are tucking them into bed have them start tapping. First ask them about what was good about today? You might make the question specific, “What are three good things about today?” Second, (all the time still tapping) ask them what didn't they like about today. Third, (still tapping) ask them, “If you could change one (or two) things about today what would it be?” Finally ask them (yes…still tapping), “What is something you are hoping will happen tomorrow?”

You will notice that the first and four questions are positive. By opening with a positive question are making it easier start. It can feel much safer to start with the positive than the negative. By asking what they are hoping for tomorrow you are ending the conversation on a positive note, making it easier for a restful night of sleep.

You will also notice that this is a great opportunity to know what is really going on in your child's life. When you ask a kid “How was school today?” more than likely they will just say “fine” or “good”. By asking these types of specific questions you are going to getting a better idea about what they are experiencing.

Don't Be Afraid To Share You Life
If you are choosing to tap regularly with your child (like at the end of the day) you might consider not just tapping for your child, but also tapping for yourself. By having a conversation where you are sharing what is going on in your life will provide an opportunity to continue to grow your bond.

Obviously you are not going to share everything that is going on in your life and you are not going to go into the same detail that you would if you were working with a practitioner. You don't want to be sharing anything that might scare your child. For example sharing that you were really angry with your spouse or that you are worried that you might loose your job is not going build a bond with your child, but instead scare them.

It is best to share things that they can relate to. For example feeling bad because you didn't do as good of a job as you could with something at work or around the house. This can be a great tool in building your relationship.

Tapping On Your Kids
Kids not only love the one-on-one attention of tapping with a parent, many really like it when the parent does the tapping for them. When you are tapping with a child all you need to do is ask them, “Would you like to do the tapping or have me do the tapping on you?”

(As person who grew up in Montessori schools) I find it a very good thing to give kids choices. If you notice in the question I am not asking “would you like to tap?”, but instead I am asking them how they would like the tapping to happen. I am getting them to do something they need to do, but doing it in a way where they are in control and are getting to make a choice.

Also, if you are taking some time to tap on your issues (as suggested above), don't be afraid to let your child tap on you (while making sure they don't poke you in the eye).

Conclusion
There are many great reasons to tap with your kids. They will be happy, healthier, and you are going to be giving them tools that they can use on their own. I have many clients that report that their children (even as young as 6) tap on their own. AND as an added bonus, it will give you a great opportunity to continue to build your bond with your kids.

Psychological Reversal

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One more time, what is the deal with psychological reversal and how does it relate to secondary gain?

A friend of mine was working on a writing project and she called to get my perspective on psychological reversal. Here are my reflections.

What is psychological reversal?
The entire body system and each piece of the system (such as a muscle group, organs, and individual muscle) have an electromagnetic current and frequency associated with it. It is this electromagnetic energy that manages much of the healing and growth inside they system.

For example, when we cut our finger the brain does not think over and over again, “Heal the finger. Heal the finger. Heal the finger.” until the finger is healed. Instead, the electromagnetic field around the finger changes. The body then responds to this new electromagnetic frequency in a number of ways. As white blood cells are floating by they encounter this new frequency, much like an alarm, and spring to action to create a scab to stop the bleeding. The skin cells respond to this new frequency buy building new cells to repair the wound. As the state of the wound changes the frequency will continue to change giving they parts of the system information to continue the healing until the cut is healed.

The electromagnetic frequency associated with the system (and each part of the system) has a current flow like any other current in nature. In the example of a magnet there is a north and south poles. If the current changes the directions it flow in a magnet the poles switch ends.

When we are psychologically reversed there is a reversal in the direction of the current in part or all of they system. When the current is reversed it is impossible for the system to create the frequency that will instruct the system to heal.

What is secondary gain?
Secondary gain is the name of the benefits that come from a certain issue. When secondary gain is present it is harder for us to change because we are losing the benefit from the issue.

Here are a few examples:

  • Pretend I am a smoker. As a smoker I am reasonably allowed to leave my desk every two hours for a 10 min break. If I quite smoking I will not be able to take these breaks.
  • Pretend that I am widower with adult children. I fall and hurt my hip. Now my kids are calling me each night, meals on wheels are coming by twice a day, and the pastor for my church is stopping by Sunday afternoon. If I get well I am going to lose all of this attention and be lonely once again.

As you can see in both of these examples, on a subconscious level the system is able to name something that is a gain by having this issue. For that reason the system is going to want to protect that gain by preventing the healing.

How are psychological reversal and secondary gain related?
Once the system recognized that there is gain in an issue it is going to do everything in is power to insure we don't lose that gain. The conscious mind might look at the smoking situation and think, “Yes, it is too bad that when I get better I am going to lose the attention I am currently receiving, but it is well worth it to lose the constant pain and to know that it is not going to develop into something much worse that could create long term health issues.”

The subconscious do not think in these cost benefit terms. Instead the subconscious mind thinks very simply in terms of protection. It is simply trying to protect the system from losing this newfound attention.

In this situation one of the ways the system can insure that it is going to keep getting the attention is by preventing the body from healing. A very easy tact to insure the body doesn't heal is to create psychological reversal in the area of the body that is injured, in this case the hip.

By reversing the electromagnetic field it is impossible to change frequencies to give the commands to heal. Since the system is not giving the signal to heal to wound persists. Therefore the system insures that the secondary gain of not being lonely is going to be preserved.

This is not the only reason for the system to by psychologically reversed, but to preserve secondary gain is one of the most common.

[Also, if this topic interests you please check out Podcast #25: Psychological Reversal w/ Gwenn Bonnell]

Being Able To Receive

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There are a number of goals I would like to achieve, but I feel like there is so much to do. I would like to ask others for help, but I am having a really hard time asking. Is there a way I can use Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping to help with this issue?


photo by Marcin Moga

I have always had really hard time receiving things. I was raised to work hard, do everything I can, and be self-reliant. I have always wanted to be successful. I have felt that when I needed help it meant that I weak or not good enough.

At the other end other end of the spectrum I also don't want my actions or efforts to be noticed. I don't like when others make a big deal of my work. For the longest time I had a very hard time taking a complement. I would defuse it and turn it into a joke.

Recently Deborah Miller, PhD (FindTheLightWithin.com) wrote a great tapping sequence on getting better at receiving. It is reprinted below with permission.

RECEIVING

Do you say you want something but complain when you don't get it? Do you really believe you can have what you desire? Or do you doubt it, or believe others can get what they desire but not you? Do you stop yourself from receiving what you desire even when it's being offered to you? Do you truly know how to receive?

Most of us have not learned how to “receive” gracefully. We've been taught things like: I must accept what there is, it's greedy to “want” things, others are suffering so I should be satisfied with what I have, or it is better to give than to receive. None of these beliefs helps us learn how to ask for and receive what we desire.

Let's do some tapping to open ourselves to gracefully receive: help, support, finances, time, energy, health, work, money, and especially love.

Even though I was taught it isn't ok to receive, because it is better to give than receive, I love myself completely and profoundly.

Even though I was taught that it wasn't ok to ask for things, or that I had to wait until someone choose to give me something, I love and accept myself profoundly.

Even though I would like to receive, I don't know how. I feel uncomfortable. I'm still a great lady (or guy).

Eyebrow: I can't receive. It's not ok to get things. I'm supposed to give things.

Side of Eye: I can't accept anything, not even something as simple as a compliment without having to shrug it off or feel uncomfortable, much less say “Thank You!”

Under the Eye: I want to receive but I'm not even sure what I want to receive so how can I receive it?

Under the Nose: I say I want this or that, but I'm saying I'd like that “thing” because it is an object I can identify.

Chin: I say I'd like to receive “objects” when deep down what I'd really like to receive is tenderness, kindness, respect, time, hugs, quality time with the people I love, and most of all love.

Collarbone: I'd like to receive respect, honest responses and encouragement from those I love, and from those who work with me.

Under the Arm: I'd also like to receive the physical objects and comforts that would make my life feel luscious and rich, which in turn allows me to give to those I love.

Top of Head: How could I receive when I didn't know what I really wanted? How could I receive when I didn't feel I deserved what I want?

Eyebrow: Now that I've identified what I'd like to receive, I choose to release any resistance I have to receiving. Aahhh! Now I can begin to receive.

Side of Eye: I learn to receive step by step. I listen to the compliments I receive and simply say “thank you!”. I learn to receive by rejoicing in all the things I receive that make me happy.

Under the Eye: It puts me in the right frame of mind and it opens my heart to receive deeply. It is my divine right to receive.

Under the Nose: Receiving is a blessing to those who want to give to me. Allowing them to give to me is allowing them to give from their heart. That is receiving and giving all at once.

Chin: I receive because it feels so good to do so. I receive because I love how happy it makes those who want to give so lovingly to me.

Collarbone: I rejoice in my ability to receive from my heart, and in turn give openly and gracefully.

Under the Arm: What a beautiful cycle it creates: first receiving from an open and loving heart, and then with a heart wide open give love.

Top of Head: I am so happy to receive; receive my divine gifts of time, energy, playfulness, joy, laughter, delight, even the things I desire, but especially love. Love is the best gift to receive. I receive love now.

People Might Not Like It When We Change

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I have been using tapping for the last six months and love the results. One thing I have noticed is that my family is not excited about my change at all. Some of the members of my family even resent it. Is this common and is there anything I can do about it?


photo by Jeremy Brooks

At first I was amazed at the number of times that I heard stories like these from my clients. As time has passed I have come to realize that not only is this a common occurrence, but it is something that makes a great deal of sense.

Every relationship that we have is a co-creation. Inside of this relationship there is an exchange of some sort. What I provide to the relationship is different from what my friend is providing and that is great. It wouldn't be a great deal of fun to have every relationship be exactly the same from each side. If that were the case every relationship we have would just be in relationship with ourselves.

For example, in the teacher/student relationship the teacher is getting a chance to share wisdom and knowledge and the student is getting a chance to learn. In a marriage the wife might be the encouragement to help the husband peruse bigger things and the husband might be the calming force in the wife's life.

[Note: I have a feeling the way I am talking about relationships might not be sitting well with you. This might seem like it is too much of a transaction and less of a loving relationship. I agree I am talking about relationships is very base terms here. I am only speaking in this way to understand why others struggle when we change.]

Every relationship not matter how big or small there is a give and take. Even if it is in very subtle small ways there is an exchange. In most cases is it not a clear cut set of roles and in most cases we don't even think about it.

When we change we change the basic nature of many of the relationships that we have. For example when the student has learned enough they are going to move on from the teacher. This is not a dismissal of the teacher or the teacher's knowledge, but an acknowledgement the dynamic of the relationship is now different. In some cases the relationship ends while other times the nature of the relationship changes as they be come peers.

On change is not preferable to another. It is just a nature of relationship. Each relationship has it own time and season. Some people pass through our live briefly, other pass in and out and back in again, while still others just keep changing and evolving with time.

As we are going through change work, cleaning out the wounds from the past, and evolving into more complete people the relationships in our lives are going to change. Because we are different people we are going to need different things and we are going to provide different things from our relationships.

Let's look at an extreme example. That's say we start this process we a very low sense of self esteem. Because of this we let a number of our family members walk all over us and take advantage of us because we are not willing to stick up for ourselves. When they take advantage (and may times this is happening subconsciously) they are able to get us to tasks they don't want to do or they might get to feel better by putting us down.

After working with a practitioner a number of times we have been able to improve our self esteem to the point that we are willing to stand up for ourselves and we are no longer allowing ourselves to be talked into doing tasks for our family members when we don't what to.

It is very easy to see how our family members (again in a subconscious way) would not like the fact that we have made this change because they are no longer getting us to do stuff for them and they are loosing a chance to feel superior.

Most of the change we are going to go through is not going to be this dramatic, but every change we make is going to change the way we interact with the world, therefore causing the expectations of the people in our life to no longer be met.

All of this happens in a very subconscious way. Our loved ones are not thinking to themselves “You have changed and your are no longer giving me what I want out of this relationship.” Instead they are simply noticing their needs are no longer being met and therefore they are going to be angry.

What I have just explained here is a major piece of resistance many people have to making change in their life. They have made small changes in the past that they have felt the backlash from their loved ones. Because this has happened in a subconscious way they are going to prevent change in the future because they don't want to deal with this again.

There are good reasons to not change in this moment. How your loved ones are going to react to that change in most cases is not a good one.

You are worthy of change. The way they choose to react to that change is their choice. It is not your responsibility. They are responsible for their emotional state.

I share this information for two reasons. First, it is good to notice if you are preventing yourself form changing because you fear how others will react to the change. Second, it is helpful to be able to name why people are so resistant to your change. It will help you not to take is personally, but instead see that they are struggling with their own emotions and it is not something you are responsible for.

Here is some tapping you can do around this issue:

I know I want to change…I am worthy to evolve…I want my life to be richer…I want to be healthier…I want to be whole…I understand that there are people in my life who don't want me to change…they might say they want me to change…they might even believe they want me to change…but on a subconscious level there is a part of them that wants me to stay the way I am…because when I stay the way I am they don't have to make any changes to their life…therefore some of them are going to fight the changes I am making…and they are going to be angry at me for making those changes…I don't want to cause pain in other people's live…but that is NOT what I am doing here…the people in my life are responsible for their own emotional state…they are the ones who are creating that…I am worthy of change…I am not going to stop my change because it makes others uncomfortable…my evolution is too important…I give myself to permission to change…in my change I might even provide a model for those in my life that they can change too…I am not responsible for my loved ones emotional state…I am responsible to my true authentic self.