This was originally written Jan 5th, 2010 and has been updated.
Author Nick Hornby was interviewed by Jesse Thorn from the radio program The Sound of Young America around the time that his new book “Juliet, Naked” was published.
In the interview Thorn asked Hornby about his screenplay for the movie “An Education”. Thorn commented that his wife, Theresa, had thought that the movie was identifiably Horby’s work because it is about people becoming comfortable with who they are, rather than trying to be better.
The idea of not improving, but becoming comfortable with who we are is really interesting to me.
If you were in a bookstore, whether brick and mortar or virtual, the topics covered here at Tapping Q & A would be found in the self-help or self-improvement section.
In some ways the aim of self-improvement implies that there is something wrong with us, or else there wouldn’t be anything to improve upon. Of course I’m not saying there is nothing I could improve on, but on some level I do believe that humans are all perfect and eternal.
It is good that we strive for better. It is good that we strive to be all that we can be, but I believe we are doing ourselves a profound disservice by thinking we are always in need of improvement.
Much of the peace I have found in the world goes back to becoming comfortable with who I am.
Blessing who I am.
Loving who I am.
By shifting my focus from self-improvement to self-acceptance and self-love, I am able to be everything I am and appreciate everything that the world is. When I am fully myself I am best able to find and appreciate the richness of life. That is where I find joy, happiness, and blessings.
At the beginning of each year I decide on a specific focus for the internal work that I want to do in the months ahead. In 2020 my work was to be gentle with myself. Being gentle with myself isn’t about improving myself, but loving and accepting myself in all my imperfections.
Here is a simple tapping script to help you to work towards the same:
I have been made perfectly…This does not mean I do everything perfectly…This does not mean that I can’t strive for more and better…It simply means that at my core…At my essence…I am perfect…When I am able to recognize the part of me that is perfect…Then I am able to become everything I am made to be in this moment…I can recognize the part of me that is perfect without being complacent…I can recognize the part of me that is beautiful and still grow…I can see the blessings in my life and be open to receiving more…I am no longer going to strive for self-improvement…I am going to strive to become who I am in every moment…I don’t need to improve who I am…I desire to be who I am made to be more fully…I am made for love…I am made for connection…I am made to be who I am in this moment…I am not made to be who others think I should be…I am not made to be what others want me to be…This does not mean I am complacent…This does not mean I am stagnant…It means that I am striving to live who I am fully in every moment…I will not do this perfectly…But I am going to strive for this…When I strive to be who I am fully…Then I will recognize the grace of the moment…I will be filled with joy in the moment…I will be who I truly am.
beautiful
it is very interesting this paradox on the one hand it as if we need to retreat into the self to find the core but really this is an expansion of the self, the journey inwards and towards fulfilment is a process by which we at once become more of ourselves and less of what we thought we were
the emotions of unrecognised shame, discontent or some deep lack often seem to drive this need for ‘improvement’ or perhaps to shed some element of ourselves that generates frustration or even a disconnect between desire/belief and observable behaviour and self talk
we need to remember that ‘self improvement’ is a social construct,a cultural construct, and therfore, we owe it to ourselves to be mindful how we impose this on ourselves and other people …. it becomes a point of judgement, a measure of worthiness sometimes
what would life look like if there was no longer this imperative, this drive? what would our relationships feel like? how would we talk with oursleves and others?
Is it possible to live without this nominalisation?
What a wonderful tapping routine – I do wonder how much we are brainwashed into thinking we are not enough just as we are and this highlights that so well. Thank you for sharing and I will be trying that routine myself x
Loved reading this in August and loved reading this now. A great reminder that it is good just to be me!
Joanne,
It was really good for me to re-read it as well. I was just looking through the archive trying to find what was right to share today and I “re-learned” stuff some something I wrote oven a year ago.
It is so nice when we revisit places and receive new gifts!
I love this idea, Gene! What a wonderful tapping scrip you wrote above. I will borrow it (and credit you).
It is such a good replacement for what we call New Year’s Resolutions, which just reinforce the old idea that we are broken and need fixing, and need to beat up what we don’t like about ourselves until it is dead so that we can be a “better person.”
And let’s take out the “striving“ part too, that sounds way too hard. Let’s just do what you say here: “I can recognize the part of me that is beautiful and still grow…I can see the blessings in my life and be open to more…“
Blessings from Rue Hass
I enjoyed the article and will use the concept with learning how to appreciate my inner family and not trying to improve them in any way.I will just love the different parts for being, and no longer feel a need to try and improve them. I am sure it will be much easier process for all.
Thanks Michael
Thank you for reminding us that we already whole.
Blessings,
Zaeemah
Thanks, Gene. Sweet tears came to my eyes reading this little bit of truth, not that I haven’t heard this (and thought I believed it) many times before. Yet somewhere deep within me there’s a voice that, when I am unaware or stressed, can shout right over that wisdom. Then I get caught up in another round of Self destruction as that other self makes its demands for more and better along with its judgments of inadequacy. I’ll create my own version of your excellent script. I agree with Rue (below) that “strive” is too demanding a word for this practice. Most people with whom it resonates, including me, feel tired just looking at or speaking the word strive. This season of winter when nature outside has retreated inward for us in the north, is an excellent time to turn our focus inward and meditate on that perfect Self that lives in our heart, even as we seek to grow more whole into the new year.
Your message comes at such a special moment for me. I decided last night I was tired of trying to live up to everyone’s expectations for me. I just want to be me. Thanks for expressing this so clearly.
It is often from the places within us that we hate that the greatest beauty comes. There are many times that I have tried so hard to get rid of things that I have judged as bad or not good enough and when I have accepted them they often bear the greatest gifts. I have recently learned that much of my drive for self improvement was actually about trying to be perfect so that I couldn’t be criticised and there for would be safe, I realised that I was being rather compulsive, trying to tap away all my imperfections. Now I just tap on stuff that feels like it is holding me back, which is a different perspective entirely from the drive to rid myself of imperfect bits of myself. I am working on things like being more confident ect, where before it was about trying to control the world outside myself, Now it’s just about what I want.
I think what I was trying to say is that there is a difference between personal growth that comes from an authentic place within us and the drive to make ourselves “perfect” as a way of fitting into society somehow. There is a deeply healing space where personal growth takes place but it often includes and expands on those things that we judge as bad or not good enough. This space is spiritual and includes and accepts the whole person. While many self improvement books are about trying to fit ourselves into someone elses view of reality and what is good or bad, this has been my experience.
RIGHT ON! PERFECT! FELT HAPPY, WHEN TAPPING IT IN. WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THAT?
Great post Gene. Thank you.
I once read that self improvement is the ongoing admission that there is something wrong with ourselves.
I think as EFTers / tappers we could make amazing positive change by ignoring our problems and simply tapping for “I accept myself deeply and unconditionally” until we could see, hear and feel the truth of this statement at our deepest levels.
As energy workers context and intent is everything (where the mind goes the energy goes). My personal context for EFT has always been as a performance enhancement tool rather than a remedial “fixing” tool basically because I do believe we are perfect. And as perfect beings, we can choose to grow and expand and improve ourselves not because of some perceived lack in ourselves that we need to fix or improve but because we know deep down what we are truly capable of and are excited at the prospect of becoming more of that.
Glenn,
You are so right. The podcast I did with Steve Well was all about this idea.
http://tappingqanda.com/2011/06/pod-60-self-acceptance-w-steve-wells/
Gene
Hi Gene,
makes me think of brain gym’s unintegrated and integrated states. When I’m integrated, I am receptive and at ease with myself and the world. When I’m unintegrated, things begin to disintegrate and become very difficult. Self-criticism rather than self-acceptance come to the fore.
Cheers,
Shelly
Thanks Gene its SO good to read and hear of accepting ourselves as we are , instead of the endless obliteration of what we have and are for the grass that seems greener on the other side of the fence.
To have this being ‘taught’ and ‘spread abroad’ is wonderful and I love it : )
and thanks Shelly for your comment which put another piece of the puzzle into focus for me … ie. when we are ‘unintegrated’ we loose our Inner Connection.
when we want to be someone or something else we dissolve our integration in static ( self doubt/criticism).
what is the way out ( or IN) acceptance of ourself , being comfortable with ourself as we are .
May I disagree from personal experience? Until a year ago I had done so much personal transformation work that indeed I knew and felt totally self-accepting and self-loving… as I wrote in my EFT/Law of Attraction book “You Can Break Free Fast – 3 Simple Steps to Get Unstuck and Attract the Life you Love” I had gone from broke and despairing; alone and without an income to clearing the blocks using an EFT and LOA approach…Indeed thus attracting the life I love – including financial freedom, my soul mate (we got married 4 years ago); travel around the world and work I love as an EFT + Matrix Reimprinting practitoner and trainer. But my lifelong challenge with my weight was worrying me…I was getting bigger, not thinner despite my totally wonderful life. And finally reached 103 kg with high blood pressure and potential risk of stroke, diabetes etc.
Cut a long story short…through a commitment to choose HEALTHY WEIGHT LOSS as my single goal for 2011, I discovered a deep seated VOW while tapping that was keeping me using food as a drug to quieten my anxiety etc. Thanks to that releasing I then found a program that works for me and so far have lost 20 kg and some say look years younger. I am now teaching others my method of setting and getting goals: EFT-Matrix Goals Reimprinting. It’s for anyone who cares enough about him/herself to accomplish goals like mine: write a book, meet my soul mate, lose 20kg and get financially free doing work they love.
Ultimately Gene it starts with a commitment to loving yourself enough to commit to a single goal of self-improvement or change…when that is the way to more joy, peace and a happier life.