Note: This article was originally published October 22nd 2012 and has been updated.
From the very beginning, the first step of Gary Craig’s Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) was to tap on the side of the hand and use what he called the set-up phrase: “Even though I have this issue I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
I can appreciate the sentiment of wanting this for ourselves, but many clients over the years have queried why they need to use this phrase.
Here are five thoughts to consider when choosing tapping phrases:
1) The Words We Use While Tapping Aren’t Magic
This is the piece of advice I give most often to tapping beginners. When most of us learn tapping we are taught to tap on a point while saying a phrase. This can lead us to believe that to get relief what we need to do is say a phrase and tap.
In reality the way we find relief while tapping is by focusing on an issue and tapping on the points. Saying words out loud about the problem is one effective way of focusing your effort BUT it is not the only way.
Your focus is of most importance, not the words you use.
Sometimes a specific word, phrase, or reframe will help us to focus intensely, while at other times no words are needed at all. The great thing about tapping is that it is really quick and there are few consequences for trying something new.
My advice is to try lots of different phrases and find the ones that work best for you. If something is not ringing true, try something else, it will only cost you a few seconds. So if the phrase “I love and accept myself” isn’t useful, then look for something else that is.
[For more information on the types of information that we get from each round of tapping and what to try next check out Feedback: What We Can Learn From Each Round Of Tapping]
2) Even If We Don’t Believe The Words We Say While Tapping They Can Still Be Helpful
This builds on the principle of our focus being more important than the words we say. Often saying words we don’t believe helps us to focus on the issue we want to address.
Let’s take weight release as an example.
Imagine that you want to release 35 lbs. but there is a part of you that doesn’t believe it is possible. You could tap on the phrase “there is a part of me that doesn’t believe I can release this weight” as an easy way to tune in to that part of yourself that feels hopeless about shedding the excess pounds.
You could also say the exact opposite and achieve the same result. You could tap on a phrase like “I know that I am going to release 35 lbs!” and the little voice inside my head will respond “No, you are not! There is no way you will release this weight. It’s hopeless!”
Here the focus is not on the words, but on the feelings of hopelessness around the situation. In both cases you are tapping on the same issue, even though the phrases have opposite meanings.
The same can be true for the phrase “I love and accept myself.” When you say this phrase out loud and focus on whatever emotions arise, you will be tapping on the issue that needs to be addressed.
This is especially true if you believe the phrase because the critical voice inside your head will pipe up and tell you so.
3) There Might Be A Reason That You Don’t Like The “Love And Accept Myself” Phrase While Tapping
I find it interesting when my clients have an immediate visceral reaction to something because it tells me that we have struck a nerve.
For example, you could call me overly obsessive about sports. I may disagree with you on this, but you won’t get an emotional response from me because it’s not something I worry about in my own life.
On the other hand, if you were to call me self-absorbed, that would elicit an emotional response from me. I would feel attacked, hurt, and offended. Not because this is not true, but because I do personally I struggle with this concern. I would feel attacked because there is a wound around this area of my life and you just prodded that wound.
I believe one of the main reasons people don’t like saying “I love and accept myself” is because it hits close to home as something a part of them can’t believe. We don’t like saying these words because they remind us of our own failings.
Saying something we don’t believe in gives us the opportunity to tune in to the part of our personality that doesn’t believe the phrase. If there is a strong “I don’t like saying I love and accept myself” reaction, then this is a great area to explore when you are tapping on our own or with a practitioner.
4) Other Phrases To Try While Tapping
Occasionally some issues can be so emotionally charged that it is not useful or safe for us to dive into them. One of the reasons I love tapping is because it allows us to creep up on a problem slowly without having to go directly to the most painful part of it.
If the phrase “I completely love and accept myself” is too emotionally charged to be useful to you, try these alternatives instead:
- I give myself permission to love and accept myself
- I might not believe that I love and accept myself, but someday I know it will be possible to love and accept myself
- I am worthy of loving and accepting myself if I don’t right now
- I give myself permission to love and accept myself one day
- I give myself permission to believe that it is possible to love and accept myself
- It is safe for me to love and accept myself
- There is a part of me that fully loves and accepts myself even if I don’t have access to that part at this moment
- Even though I am not perfect, I am open to the possibility of loving and accepting myself anyway
- This work is helping me to work towards loving and accepting myself
If you are looking for more creative set-up phrases you should check out the set-up phrase generator. Each time you refresh the page it will give you 10 new set-up phrases to try.
5) The Reason I Never Start With The Set-Up Phrase
Never might be a little strong, but as a general rule I don’t start a round of tapping with the set-up phrase because the emotional reaction it prompts in many people can be distracting. If you are tapping on an issue that has nothing to do with love and acceptance and you have an issue with that idea, then you are complicating the moment.
For example, let’s say I’m tapping on a pain in my knee and I tap on “Even though I have this pain in my knee I love and accept myself.” Now I am dealing with the pain in my knee AND I have surfaced issues with the self-acceptance issue. Instead, I find it more useful and natural to tap on self-acceptance when it arises in connection with another issue.
This last point is rather controversial and I know a number of respected practitioners who would strongly disagree with me. As always, do what works best for you.
Conclusion
Do you have to say, “I love and accept myself” for tapping to work? Of course not.
BUT if you are having a hard time saying it or you feel uncomfortable when you think about it, then it is more than likely that you have hit a nerve around an issue that needs some extra attention. As Mastin Kipp says, “Without self-acceptance self-help won’t work” so you might consider making time to tap specifically on this issue.
Hi Gene
I agree with everything you have said and I have a few other suggestions to make. I have found with some of my clients who find it hard/impossible to say “I love and accept myself” that they can usually say something positive about themselves. For example. “I’m a good friend/a great mum” etc can be very effective phrases to use. On the other hand I may be provocative and ask them to add after “I love and accept myself” a phrase like “even though I don’t believe it” and “warts and all.”
I also sometimes get them to say “I don’t love and accept myself” and this can also be very effective, so much so, that by the end of the session they can usually say without constraint, “I accept myself” and sometimes they can even extned it to “I love and accept myself.”
Regards Deirdre
I think those variations of “I love and accept myself” are inspired, for those who struggle with believing those words.
When I began doing tapping, I was mildly uncomfortable with focusing that much attention on myself. Thus it came as a fascinating new truth one day when I discovered that after years of tapping on various things, I realized that I had come to a point where I absolutely do love myself and accept myself.
Now it’s more a case of struggling to believe that other people can love and accept me as myself. Do you suppose one can change statements to, “Even though [fill in the blank], I believe other people can love and accept me as I am”?????
What a great resource!
Hi Gene! Iv’e only been into tapping for a few months, and a great part of that time has been just collecting information about tapping.
The biggest riddle for me has been, what is the dynamic role that this statement (about self-love and self-acceptance) plays in the tapping process. I have been pondering this question over and over. And a few answers have come to mind.
First off, I want to say that I really like your answer! And that is, if one is uncomfortable saying “I deeply and completely love and accept myself unconditionally.”, then that in itself is a wonderful reason for saying the statement. I quote you here because I love the way you make the point. You wrote, “By saying something we don’t believe it gives us a chance to emotionally tune into the part of our personality that doesn’t believe the phrase.” Bingo! We want to remove limiting beliefs and anything else that is counter-acting our ability to be the very best we can be in every way.
Making this statement, then, is a marvellous opportunity, for bringing up, everything and anything, within ourselves, that challenges our ability to embrace ourselves, with this statement. Each and every negative thought and/or feeling that comes up is an open invitation for us to label and/or hold onto this vibration while tapping on it until it fades away. Just imagine how it might be, if, as soon as we felt relieved of a limiting belief or feeling by tapping on it, we immediately began repeating this statement again, with all the sincerity that we could muster, “I choose to deeply and comletely love and accept myself unconditionally.” Then we can acknowledge our feelings, honoring whatever comes up, by receiving it without judgement, hold onto what has come up, perhaps labelling it, and then begin tapping on those contrary thoughts and feelings. And then repeat the process until no objections to self-love and acceptance come to the surface. Or, decide that you have done enough work on the topic of self-love and acceptance for the day and come back to it when you feel ready for more healing.
EFT is a soul-healing process. This is because it dissolves everything that is not the vibration of the pure soul. As pure spirit, we are inherently perfect. As pure spirit is an emanation from God, or Source, we are naturally endowed with all godly qualities and opulences. Not to the degree that they are present in our Source, but certainly enough to fill us with unbounded bliss and enthusiasm for life. One of the symptoms of the purified soul, freed from the baggage of the myriad forms of mundane self-absorption, is that he or she sees only the best in all beings. He becomes filled with a highly contagious ocean of brotherly and sisterly love that is totally irresistable. She becomes totally guided from within and she becomes an instrument of the highest intelligence, power, harmony and beauty, equipoise, and all else that one could aspire for. It is the nature of love that it brings up everything in us that is not in alignment with love. So if we keep on tapping with the intention of developing self-love and self-acceptance, anything within us that is contrary to love will awaken in our consciousness for healing. In this way EFT is a 20th century gift from God.
Actually we are all capable of feeling this profound acceptance and love for ourselves. There are many qualified persons writing books on the subject and giving trainings. One only has to surf the web in order to see what is availablle. Self-love is not a deep mystery. It is a way of vibrating, within the spectrum of human feelings, that once discovered (uncovered) is always available to us to practice as a form of meditation, and as a frequency that we can learn to dwell in. A very simple way to approach it is to sit down in a quiet and safe space, practice Gene’s first stress-busting breathing exercise, and arrive at a very peaceful place. Then, one can reflect back to memories of the most unjudgmentally loving person we have ever ountered in our life, in a movie, or wherever. While continuing the stress-busting breathing technique , in order to achieve deeper levels of relaxation, let us simultaneously focus on the love vibration of our chosen person, until we can actually experience that vibration somatically, beginning with a soft and loving smile in our gently closed eyes. Now, while vibrating love in this way and gently continuing the breathing technique, let us acknowledge ourselves for having the capacity to vibrate in this way. It is actually our own vibration, simply resonating with the energy that we have borrowed from our chosen person. Accept it. Own it. It is part of who we are. Continuing our breathing technique, we can gradually smile love into each and every chakra and each and every part of our body. When we feel ready, we can make our breathing rhythmic by mentally reciting, INHALE..”I am this love.” HOLD..”I am this love.” EXHALE…”I am this love.” HOLD…”I am this love.” there are no hard and fast rules . whatever we are doing that helps us to feel more loving and more relaxed, that is perfect. With breathing, without breathing, with repeating the phrase, without…… all we wish to do is to vibrate with that love, and deepen in that vibration. The next step is to consciously vibrate that love towards ourselves until we feel soothed by it. The next step is a cosmic leap. While holding the feeling of loving ourselves, gently expand our awareness,from the crown of our head,further and further until it encompasses the the galaxies and beyond, without end. And then, very gently, notice that all of galactic space is filled with this loving vibration, and that it is available to you. Breathe in this love from Source. Breathe out gratitude. Anyone can do this. Anyone can deepen in this. And from this space one may be able to silently say, with gratitude to God, “I deeply and completely love and accept myself, unconditionally. As Gene has written, this love is not something that we have to earn. It is always there. It is our birthright.It is free for the taking. Breathe it in. And breathe it back to God. This is breathing our love conversation with God.
This is one way. As I say, there are books on the subject, by very wonderful beings.
Dr. Pat Cunnigham, recently shared a tapping technique for capturing any beautiful feeling we desire, so that we can bring that feeling back at the drop of a hat. Check it out at her web site. Apply it it to tuning into this cosmic love vibration.
One thought is that many types of transcendental meditation can give us the taste that we are hankering for. But untilwe become extremely evolved in these processes, when we return to everyday consciousness, we find that our emotional baggage and limiting beliefs are there waiting for us. But now we are armed with EFT, and we can gradually dissolve our baggage. The more we dissolve our baggage, the more easily we can fill ourselves with love for ourselves and everyone else. And the more we can fill ourselves with love,the more we will become determined to eliminate all that is not love with EFT.
The question still remains as to where the classical tapping statement has come from, and why it was introduced. This shouldn’t be too difficult to trace since EFT is only a few decades old. But I have a suspicion that it has come from the Buddhist practice taht is called Vipasana. This is a practice of self-witnessing whatever arises in our awareness. I will try to encapsulate the context of this form of meditation. According to Buddhist philosophy suffering is due to attachment. There can be the attachment of desiring something. And there can be the attachment of wanting something to not be what it is, such as pain, or distress. Both of these forms of attachment can cause suffering. by the process of self-witnessing, one can experience that all phenomena are temporal. They pass with time. By practicing a non-judgemental self-witnessing of what arises on the screen of our awareness, we can develope the ability to experience detatchment in the face of what arises in our daily awareness. Along with this detachment comes the ability to be equipoised and to experience a non-judgemental acceptance of all that arises. You may have heard the saying, “What you resist persists.” Our resistance of unpleasant emotions and physical sensations, then, compounds our discomfort. Persons who are not knowledgeable of these ideas and practices, may have emotional blockages, as a kind of dysfunctional way of dealing with discomfort. For such people, who are typical in our western culture, the ability to allow our discomforts to surface can be impeded. And, without having the ability to freely allow our feelings to surface, it may be that the ability to clear our feelings with EFT will be impeded. Also, if we do experience our unpleasant feelings coming to the surface, and if we have a tendancy to resist these feelings, it may be more difficult to clear them with EFT. As already stated, this is because our resistance translates into a form of attachment which is not so conducive to the release that we are trying to implement. This understanding of how emotional work is connected with the movement of energy in the body, can be experienced along with an acupuncture treatment. Suppressed emotion can manifest as an enegy blockage in a meridian that fuels a specific bodily organ. So when the acupuncturist places a needle into a specific meridian in order to free up the flow of energy that fuels a specific organ, it is very common that the emotion that was being blocked at the expense of bodily health, comes to the surface at the time of treatment, or in the days to follow. With all of this in mind we can understand that if we can accept our feelings without judgement as to whether they are desireable or undesirable they will surface more easily and be released more easily in the EFT process. Threfore it makes sense that the early EFT practitioners, if they were conversant with these energy dynamics, would encourage their clients to say, “Even though I am having this feeling of ____ I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”, in order to facilitate the surfacing and release of these feelings through EFT. However, if have not been exposed to these eastern cultures and their medicinal ways and means, the helpful intentions behind these statements will very likely not be appreciated.
Another tangent in relation with this set-up statement lies in considering what has become known in the west as “inner child work.” Again, surfing the web will reveal a wealth of literature in this connection. But s far as I can understand, the general idea, is that so much of our programming of dysfunctional emotions occurred in childhood. And those of us who have become conversant with practices that invoke our ability to feel self-love, can take up the practice of understanding their emotional hurts as belonging to their “inner child.” And the idea is that if such persons can channel these feelings of self-love towards their inner child, then an energetic healing can occur, so that the inner child will have their energetic programming more enhanced. So once again we can see that the statement, “Even though I (my inner child) feel ______ I deeply and completely love and accept myself (my inner child).”, we can see that this statement has relevence. In this paradigm, the idea that unconditional acceptance and love for one’s “hurt” part will result in release and healing, corresponds to the non-judgemental self-witnessing process as presented as a form of Buddhist meditation.
It is all about “what we resist persists.”,and what we can non-judgementally accept and embrace with compassion for ourselves, can be healed with less struggle.
In summary, it seems that learning self-love and clearing limiting beliefs and blocks are two mutually enhancing sides of the same coin. Real healing ultimately involves both these aspects of energy work. And whichever way one chooses to go about one’s overall healing, one aspect at a time, or both concurrently is a matter of personal choice. Although we can receive a lot of help, ultimately we have to take responsability for our own healing. The quick fix of a pill, injection or incision may still have its place in our lives, b the deepest work rests with ourselves and our Maker.
Even though I am suffering from _______, in order to enhance my healing process, may I learn to love and accept myself as God loves and accepts me, regardless of any apparent disqualifications. May I come to understand more and more that I am a fragmental part of God, with all godly qualities inherrent in my being, and understand anything else as an artificial imposition on my spiritual nature. Becausae these impositions are not my real nature, please help me to see them objectively, without fear, to be patient and compassionate with myself, and be happy and grateful in the understanding that I am being healed of all the misconceptions of who I really am. Amen.
You hit the nail on the head. My favorite with clients is I give myself permission………. Great content :)