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Archives for October 2008

Tapping On Someone Else’s Behavior

October 30, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli 2 Comments

There is someone at work who drives me crazy, always picking fights and causing lots of disharmony in the office. Changing jobs isn’t really an option for me. Is it possible for me to tap to change their behavior?

If you read most EFT websites (especially Gary’s site) you will find a number of accounts of how surrogate tapping has been successful. (To surrogately tap for someone else means to tap on your own body for someone else’s issues and that other person receives healing or relief.) You can even find a few articles on this site which reference situations where patents have tapped on themselves and seen healing benefits in their children.

BUT (and this is a big but) just because we are tapping on ourselves while tuning into someone else’s issue and the other person has a change, it doesn’t necessarily mean that tapping on ourselves is causing a change in another person. Most people who talk about surrogate tapping assume that is the case, but I don’t think the cause and effect relationship is as clear as it might appear on the surface.

I’m not saying they’re wrong, but I recognize another possibility. The alternative theory I’m suggesting links directly to the example that is cited in this question.

I believe the only thing we truly control is ourselves. We can control our thoughts and our actions. Everything else is out of our control. We might act in a certain way expecting or hoping others will act in a predictable way. But these are nothing more than hopes and expectation. There is no certainty.

If we can only control ourselves, and therefore only be able to change ourselves, then how do we explain evidence that surrogate tapping seems to be successful? I believe the answer lies in the fact that we are co-creating our experience with everyone else. To illustrate this let’s look at the example in the question of a person at work who is causing problems.

We Co-Created the Situation

Every relationship we are a part of we are a co-creator of. Relationships aren’t static; over time people – and their thoughts, feelings and actions – change. These strengthen, weaken, or otherwise change the relationships between the individuals.

For example, think of old friends you just aren’t as close to today as you once were. We often say, “We just grew apart.” We mean that one or both of us have changed and therefore the nature of the relationship changed.

This is simply a fact of life, neither bad nor good. Hopefully, we will continue to grow and change throughout our lifetimes. Because of this we are going to have different levels of relationships with specific people at different points in our lives. Even life-long friendships change in nature as the participants in that friendship grow and change over time.

When we recognize this fact we can use it to our advantage. We always have the chance to change our actions and our beliefs. In the process we change our relationships.

This includes relationships we find unpleasant.

Let’s take the person at work who always starts an argument with you. Once we accept that you are a co-creator of this relationship, then you have to accept some responsibility for the argumentative nature of that relationship.

Let’s look at this from your co-worker’s point of view. For this example, your co-worker Joe is very insecure. He starts arguments with people so he can win the arguments and show that he’s smarter than his opponent. He might not be consciously starting arguments with this outcome in mind, but he’s learned from life experience that he always feels better after putting someone down in an argument.

For Joe starting an argument is completely functional because he feels better with every argument he wins. But the only way he can get the outcome he desires is if someone else is willing to argue with him.

If you are arguing with Joe regularly, obviously you are co-creating the situation. Joe knows, on some level, you are game for a fight.

There is nothing you can do to change Joe’s behavior, but you can take control of the situation. You can change the part of the situation you are creating. If you refuse to argue with Joe, an argument can’t happen. If the argument can’t happen then Joe no longer gets what he’s seeking out of the interaction (e.g., the opportunity to feel superior). Because Joe is no longer getting what he wants from the relationship, the interaction is no longer functional for him. Therefore, he will find someone else to argue with.

In the beginning Joe has his need (to feel superior) and the environment (your willingness to push back) in place to meet his needs. When you change your behavior (no longer willing to engage in the argument), you have completely changed the environment. You’re not changing Joe’s actions, but since he can no longer get what he needs in this environment he moves to a new environment (another person) to have his needs fulfilled.

The beauty of this is you have not had to change someone else’s behavior, you have simply changed the one thing you have control over: yourself. When we work from this point of view we are no longer a victim of a situation/circumstance; instead we are taking charge of ourselves – the one thing we CAN control.

Knowing What To Change In Ourselves

Most of our relationships won’t be as cut and dried as the example I ‘ve just given. Most of the time we won’t know other people’s motives and what they are getting functionally out of our relationships. The only thing we are going to know is that we have relationships and interactions that are less than fulfilling and often draining or painful.

The good news is we don’t have to know why others are acting the way they are or what they’re getting out of the interaction. The only thing we need to know is what we find uncomfortable and what we would like to see changed.

This is where EFT enters into the equation. Even if we don’t know what part of ourselves is allowing the situation to be co-created we are going to be able to tap to change ourselves. Either the relationship will become more as we want it to be, or the other person will seek out another person who will accept the old style of relationship.

The first thing we tap on is the emotions we feel. In this case there are a whole host of emotions that you could be feeling from the interaction with Joe. You could feel angry, overwhelmed, or annoyed whenever Joe comes around because an argument is inevitable. You might also be frustrated that you can’t get your job done, that you are being picked on, that you are not in control, and so on. All of these are tappable issues.

The second thing we can do is tap on the fact that we are co-creating this relationship and on some level this interaction must be feeding us as well. Now it might sound silly to say we are creating such a painful situation for ourselves, but I think it’s true. For example, you may feel insecure at work and afraid that if you take on too much responsibility you are going to become overwhelmed and fail. So you allow the fight to happen because it will keep you where you’re comfortable with your responsibilities. In this example the argument is functional for you as well because it is serving this need.

Usually it is very hard to see how difficult relationships that we co-create are serving us. In those cases we can simply tap on the fact that even though part of us is being served, we want to change whatever benefits from our difficult relationships.

The tapping could look something like this:

I am in a relationship that I don’t like…Joe finds a way to start an argument with me every day…I really don’t enjoy it…I wish he would stop…at the same time I am willing to admit that I’m co-creating this relationship on some level…I must be willing to accept my responsibility for the part of the relationship I’m creating…this is hard to admit…but I know the only way I can heal past this is if I admit this fact…I forgive myself for co-creating this relationship…I forgive myself for believing this is serving me on some level … whatever part of me that feels this is serving me can now let this go…I choose to heal the part of me that feels it needs this relationship…I give myself permission to change the way I approach this relationship…I give myself permission to think different thoughts about this relationship…I take back the power to choose a different action in this relationship…I know I can’t change anyone but myself…I know that if I change myself I will change the landscape of this relationship, and then by its very nature the relationship will have to change…I know I can make this change…because all I need to change is myself. [How to use these tapping phrases]

A number of my clients have reported radical changes in their relationships in a very short period of time by doing this two-step approach to tapping on their relationships. I believe the reason this approach is so effective and powerful is because we are taking back control over ourselves instead of hoping factors in the world would change.

So to that end, we have not truly done surrogating tapping for someone else. Even though we are tuning in to someone else, really what we are doing is tuning in to someone else and seeing what is arising in us — that is, our stuff — and we are tapping on our own stuff.

What more info on surrogate tapping:

  • What Is Surrogate Tapping – The Basics
  • How Parents Can Tap For Their Kids
  • My Favorite Tapping Tool
  • The Hardest Tapping You Will Ever Do
  • Can We Tap To Change Others Behavior
  • When We Carry Burdens For Others

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Forgiveness, How To, Phrases, Surrogate, Work

Cold and Flu

October 23, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli 4 Comments

Cold and Flu season is coming. Is there a way I can use EFT to keep myself healthy?

I have used Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) very effectively against cold and flu symptoms in two ways. One is preventive and the other is symptom management.

Prevention
I have found it is very helpful to take a little time each morning and night to do tapping for general health. I take a few deep breaths to relax myself, tune into my body, and tap on phases like this:

I am so blessed to have the body I have…it is so sophisticated in all that it can do…it is a system that is built with amazing balance…when something doesn’t work well it has the power and tools to correct and heal…I know my body has everything it needs to maintain optimum health…my body was made for heath…I am thankful for this fact…right now I give all my intention to the healing powers of my body…if there are any blocks to the healing power of my body…I tune into them right now…I see these blocks clearly…and I let them go…my body can remove these blocks effortlessly…as the blocks are removed my body is able to function as it was made to…in total health…I tune into any bacteria, fungus, or virus that prevents my body from being at total health…be these bacteria, fungus, or viruses be known or hidden…I release the body’s healing powers on these bacteria, fungus, and viruses…my body is able to manage all of these intruders…bring my body back to total health…I am thankful for how my body is able to work back to health…any resources the healing part of my body needs to bring my body back to health I hand those resources over right now…once again I tune into any blocks to my healing that are in my body, mind, or spirit…I give my body permission to let these blocks go…anything that is preventing my body from maintaining health I remove and clear right now…I now tune into any part of my body that is designed for growth…I give thanks for the parts of my body that are committed to my growth…I tune in to any of the blocks in my mind, body, or spirit that are preventing my body from growing in the ways it is designed to grow…I let go of any and all of the blocks I have to growth…these blocks are no longer needed…I see and feel them being let go…I give thanks for the amazing power of my body…I know my body is made to heal and grow…I give my body permission to heal and grow [How to use these tapping phrases]

Symptom Management
Just because I know (and teach) the tools of keeping my body healthy it doesn’t mean that I always use them, so even I get sick. One of my favorite techniques for dealing with cold and flu symptoms is what I call the “Tissue Technique”.

This technique is very simple – all you do is blow your nose AND spit into the tissue.

This sounds gross, but what you’ve just done is collected a live culture of most of the bugs that are in your system.

Next you hold the tissue in your hand, place your intention on what is in your hand, and begin tapping on all the bugs at once. I recommend doing this every hour or so.

Note: Just because you are no longer feeling the symptoms does not mean that you have gotten rid of all the bugs. I have tended to forget tapping every hour once I feel better, giving the bugs a chance to reclaim my body. I recommend that you use this technique for 24 hours past the time that you feel better. This will insure you are completely cleaning out all the bugs.

When I was first introduced to this technique I was very sick. Over the course of a day I had a spit cup that I spit into throughout the day. Every hour or so I’d pick up the cup, focus on it, and tap. As I did this I could feel congestion breaking up and my energy level rising. Yes, that’s really gross! But it’s worth it to get healthy.

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Daily, Health, Phrases

Forgiveness Equals Condoning The Action

October 1, 2008 By Gene Monterastelli Leave a Comment

I was introduced to EFT about a year ago and I love it. I’m amazed at the way it quickly gets rid of unwanted emotions, but I’m wondering if this is always a good thing. I made some really poor choices in the past. I feel really bad about these choices. I know EFT would be a great tool for getting rid of these emotions, but I’m afraid that if I don’t feel bad about them that I am condoning the past behavior. Is it okay to let go of these negative emotions about my past choices?

At its core this question is about forgiveness. Sometimes this question is about forgiving ourselves (like the questions above); other times it’s about forgiving others. “If I forgive them for hurting me I am saying what they did is okay.”

The person who asked this question is exactly right. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for helping us to forgive, but forgiveness can be a tricky business.

Forgiveness can come along with lots of baggage.

  • “If I forgive myself I am going to make the same mistake again”
  • “If I forgive I am saying what happen was right”
  • “If I forgive they are going to do the same thing to someone else and I will have condoned it.”
  • “I did something wrong and I deserve to suffer, not to be forgiven.”
  • “If I forgive them then I am going to give up my status as victim and I don’t know how to live not as a victim.  People only give me attention because I am a victim and they will all leave me.” [This was a real fear of one of my clients.]

When discussing forgiveness it’s a good idea to look at forgiving oneself and forgiving others separately.

Forgiving Ourselves
Forgiveness and un-forgiveness are routinely accompanied by regret and/or guilt. Even though these two emotions are very similar they are different in a very striking way.

For example, I may say, “I regret eating that extra candy bar.” When I make this statement I am saying I wish I had made a different choice because I now understand the consequences of that choice, but it’s not something I am emotionally bound up in right now.

To feel guilty about something is not only to wish we had made a different choice, but we also feel emotionally bad in the moment. “I feel guilty for eating that extra candy bar.” With this statement I am saying I wish I had made a different choice and I feel bad about that choice right now.

When we forgive ourselves we are not saying we made a good choice in the past. We are not saying we will make the same choice again. We are not saying we didn’t learn from the past. Instead, when we forgive we are moving from guilt to regret.

Guilt is debilitating. Regret is instructive. That is why forgiveness of our self is so important. When we forgive we move from being an emotional prisoner of the past to learning from the past.

Forgiving Others
When it comes to forgiving others the most powerful idea I have encountered is, “When we hold a grudge and refuse to forgive someone else we are wishing ill on them and taking the poison ourselves.” When we refuse to forgive someone else we are not hurting the person in any way. We are only hurting ourselves by carrying around the ill will (and sometimes hatred) for someone else.

When we choose to forgive someone else we are doing this solely for ourselves. We are not condoning their action. We are not saying they can take this action against us (or anyone else) again. We are simply saying, “I choose not to be a prisoner to this past action. I will no longer carry this poison of guilt, hatred and un-forgiveness in my body.”

How To Use EFT To Forgive
Often we hear the phrase, “forgive and forget.” This is a really accurate — and sometimes destructive — sentiment. When we forgive we are not forgetting what has come before. We still keep the lessons from the past. We are going to make choices in the future to keep us safe from the same situation. When we forgive we are simply choosing not to be an emotional prisoner to the past.

With that in mind, I think it is very important to carry the ideas of why we forgive into our tapping, not just the fact that we are forgiving. By doing this we are able to not only deal with the emotions around what needs to be forgiven, but we are also dealing with all the resistance we have to offering forgiveness.

Here is a sample tapping patter for forgiving oneself:

Just because I am forgiving myself for past actions, this doesn’t mean I am saying those were good choices…those choices are who I was…not who I am…I have learned from those choices…I don’t need to be holding onto the guilt to make sure I make good choices in the future…by holding onto guilt I am continuing to punish myself…I don’t need to keep punishing myself…I give my self permission to forgive myself…I choose to know forgiving myself is allowed…I choose to know forgiving myself is a path to health…and not forgiving myself is not a path to health…I forgive myself for not forgiving myself yet…I know I have learned the lesson from the past poor choice…I give myself permission to let this go and move on. [How to use these tapping phrases]

Here is a sample tapping patter for forgiving someone else:

I give myself permission to forgive [insert name]…When I forgive them I am not saying what they did is right…when I offer forgiveness it is all about me…it has nothing to do with them…it has nothing to do with condoning their actions…I am letting go of this so I am no longer imprisoned by the past…when I hold a grudge it is like I am wishing ill on someone else but taking the poison myself…I need to forgive for my health and well being…this choice is for me…it is not for them…I also forgive myself for not giving forgiveness earlier…what matters is that I am now choosing to move on…by giving forgiveness I am not giving them permission to do the same thing again…when I forgive it doesn’t mean that I have not learned a lesson from this…I have learned from this…when I forgive I am not inviting this in again…I am forgiving so I can move on…when I forgive I still might remember what happened, but I am no longer imprisoned by what happened…forgiveness can be hard…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I go through the forgiveness process…I am doing this for me…and no one else…and I am allowed to do this for myself…it doesn’t matter if the other person deserves forgiveness…I deserve to forgive…because it is the best thing for me [How to use these tapping phrases]

Filed Under: Q&A Tagged With: Forgiveness, Peace

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GeneMonterastelliGene Monterastelli is a Brooklyn based EFT practitioner who in addition to work with clients and groups regularly writes and records about how to use the tapping to move from self-sabotage to productive action.
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