Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Pod #278: EFT For When You Are Unwilling To Accept Help

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People with a kind heart and helping disposition are often those who have the hardest time reaching out for help.

This can happen for reasons ranging from not wanting to be a burden to others, to believing that since we possess the tools of healing, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves.

Everyone (and I mean everyone) needs help from the outside. We can't and aren't meant to go it alone. This week I have a tap-along audio and tapping script for those who find it difficult to ask for help or to accept help when it is offered.

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I recognize the fact that I want to do it all…I want to take responsibility for myself…I want to take responsibility for my work…There is a part of me that feels as if I am failing if I ask someone else for help…There is a part of me that feels like I am being a burden if I ask someone else to assist me…It's good that I want to take responsibility for myself…It is good that I'm thoughtful in the ways that I ask for help…It is good that I don't want to be a burden to other people…But there are some truths that I need to accept…I need to accept the fact that I cannot do this on my own…I need to accept the fact that I do need help in this world…I need to accept the fact that they're actually people who would love to help me…There are even people in my life who are offended because I don't ask them for help…It is not a failing to ask for help…It is not a weakness to ask for help…It is not a failing to look to others for help…Because I am human…Help is something that I need…Because I'm human…I need to connect with others…I give myself permission to know that that is appropriate…I give myself permission to know that that is healthy…I give myself permission to know that this is how transformation will happen in the long term…I give myself permission to know I'm worthy of that help…I give myself permission to know I'm allowed to ask for that help…I give myself permission to know it is the right thing for me to do…To ask for help in big and small ways…I can't do this on my own…That is perfectly OK…That is allowed…I give myself permission to be OK with that…This does not mean I expect others to do everything for me…This doesn't mean I'm giving up responsibility in my own life…It only means I am willing to do the work…And I am willing to reach out to get the help I need.

Why I hate (the name) Emotional Freedom Techniques

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Note: This article was originally shared on Sept 2nd, 2012 with the title “Why I Hate Emotional Freedom Techniques”. This is an updated and edited version of that article.

I have a confession to make. I hate Emotional Freedom Techniques.

OK, I don't hate the tool, but I do hate the name.

In the beginning I hated the name because I thought it did the technique such a disservice.

Here we were being given this amazingly powerful tool that was changing people’s lives. It was helping them to release lifelong limiting beliefs, ameliorate chronic physical pain, ease deep-seated emotional issues, and eliminate cravings. It has brought relief to people in hospitals, in war-torn countries and disaster zones, and in prisons.

As a professional using EFT I thought the name “Emotional Freedom Techniques” undermined just how powerful a tool it is.

As someone who has used tapping for many years, I know what that freedom feels like after a powerful tapping session. The world feels new because we have released what has been holding us back. But this is the language of someone who has used EFT and experienced its benefits.

For those who haven't used it before, it is easy to perceive EFT as something frivolous and unpowerful.

For a number of years I was given the opportunity to teach tapping as part of an anger management class in a county jail. One day in class I was telling the guys in jail about my disdain for the name and one of them piped up and said, “You’re right. It shouldn't be called EFT. It should be BET: Balanced Emotion Techniques.”

It wasn't just the fact the name was undermining its power, but instead the name wasn't accurately describing what was going on.

The Goal Is Not To Be Free From Emotions

His comment made me think about the way I teach tapping. Over and over again I teach that emotions are not the problem. Emotions are not the enemy. Emotions are information.

Every time we feel an emotion, our system is just giving us information. When I feel sad, it is saying that something important is missing. When I feel angry, it is telling me that it perceives attack. When I feel frustrated, it is letting me know I am not getting what I want.

This information is both helpful and useful. The goal of tapping isn't to be free of these emotions.

First, the goal of tapping is to make sure that emotions show up at the right time.

For example, it is right that I fear lions, but if I fear them so much that I can't leave my apartment in Brooklyn because I know there is a lion ten miles away in the Bronx Zoo, then that fear is completely out of proportion.

Second, the goal of tapping is to make sure emotions are showing up to the right degree.

For example, when someone cuts me off on the highway the rush of adrenalin triggered will help sharpen my senses and help me to control the car and stay safe. If that rush goes on so long that it overwhelms my system and I end up on the side of the road crying for 45 minutes because I almost died, the reaction produced is out of proportion.

I want and need my emotions. They are an important part of how I navigate the world. I don't want to be free of them.

What Is Important In The End

I have arrived at a point where I mostly just call what I do tapping, because I don't tap in exactly the way Gary Craig originally taught. But again, that is less important.

What is more important is the fact that we have a clear understanding of what the goal of tapping is. For me, the goals are:

  • to help my emotions to show up in a proportional and well-informed way
  • to create the space to hear the message these emotions are trying to convey
  • to release any useful or limiting beliefs about about myself and the world
  • to take the actions I want to take with confidence

I know that if I tap regularly on my emotions, issues, and beliefs, then that will happen. If that happens, then it doesn't matter if we call it tapping, EFT or Chad. It only matters that I am living the life I want.

Pod #277: EFT For When It Is Too Late For A Loved One To Change

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It would be great if we could find a solution for every problem.

But that is simply not possible. Some illness can't be cured. Death is inevitable.

There are even times when solutions are available, but for a variety of complex reasons our loved ones aren't willing or able to choose change.

Whether there is no clear solution or the solution isn't being chosen, it can leave you feeling helpless and heartbroken.

Below is a tap-along audio and script for those times when there is nothing you can do and you still hurt.

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I want better for those around me…I want better for those I love…I want them to make better choices…I want them to have access to better options…The truth of the matter is that at a certain point…There are no more options…There is nothing that we can do to create change…Because the situation is so grave…There's a part of us that doesn't want to admit that…There is a part of me that doesn't believe I am helpless in this regard…It is a part of me that wishes I could tap a little longer and a little harder to create change…But what is happening is happening…There are times when we cannot change that…I feel like a failure when this happens…I feel like I'm giving up because I'm not trying something new…I feel like there must be some deficiency in me otherwise I would have solved this problem…Otherwise I would have found an answer…Otherwise I would have found a way around this…Sometimes there's nothing I can do…And that breaks my heart…It breaks my heart to see a loved one suffer…It breaks my heart to see them in pain…It breaks my heart to not see them take the action that might make a difference…I give myself permission to be sad…I give myself permission to be heartbroken…These are the emotions of wanting better for my loved ones…I give myself permission to be angry…Because that is the emotion of trying to fight for better…I give myself permission to feel lost…Because sometimes I just don't have the answers…Even though this is out of my control…I can still be present…I can still be loving…I can share this moment with them…And that is real…That is significant…That is meaningful…Even if there's a part of me that doesn't accept that to be true…Even if there's a part of me that feels like I am failing…Even if there's a part of me that wants me to do more…I give myself permission to be with them…In this moment…With whatever they are dealing with…Knowing that they must take action…That this is their moment too…I give myself permission to know that it is significant…I give myself permission to know that this is not giving up…I give myself permission to know this is not giving in…This is being in the moment for them…This is being in the moment with them…That is meaningful…That is real…That is what I can do…That is who I can be in this moment.

Pod: #276: The Difference Between Knowing What To Do And Doing It

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There is a huge difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Just because tapping is a powerful tool doesn't mean that you will always remember to reach for it in times of emotional distress.

When my clients are recounting something from the previous week that was hard, I ask them if they tried tapping for the issue. They usually reply somewhat sheepishly, “No… I forgot.” My aim is not to try to shame them by asking that question. I just want to know what happened so we can do the best work in the moment.

We set amazingly high standards for ourselves. Part of us believes that if we know how to do something, then we must be perfect at it every time. That is simply not the case.

It takes time for new skills to become a habit. But we are human beings and we simply aren't perfect, meaning that we don’t always reach for the right tool.

Below you will find a tap-along audio and tapping script to help you to be easier with yourself when you aren't doing the action you want to take perfectly. When tapping like this we are not excusing ourselves from not making the best choices, but instead making sure that we understand why we don't always make the best choices.

Right now, think of an area in your life where you are beating yourself up because you aren't doing it well enough, and tap for it. Not only will you feel better, but it will be easier to take positive action.

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I recognize the fact that I am not perfect…I recognize the fact that I will make mistakes…Even though I can intellectually accept that fact…There is a part of me that does not want to accept that…There is a part of me that thinks I need to get it right…Especially when I have the skills…Especially when I know what to do…When I don't use the skills that I have…There is a part of me that decides to beat myself up…There is a part of me that needs to let me know that I am wrong…There's a part of me that wants to punish me for this mistake…I appreciate the fact that something in me wants to hold myself to a very high standard…I appreciate the fact that there is a part of me that wants me to make the best choices possible…I also recognize the fact that this part of me is over functioning…That this part works way too hard…That this part believes if it beats me up for making a mistake…I will then make good choices in the future…I know this isn't the case…I know that harsh words and beating myself up are not helpful…I know chastising myself is not useful…I give myself permission to be easy with myself…I give myself permission to be gentle with myself…I give myself permission to be kind to myself…There's a part of me that finds this unacceptable…There is a part of me that believes I'm taking the easy way out…There is a part of me that thinks that when I am easy with myself…What I'm really doing is giving myself permission to make more mistakes…But when I’m easy with myself I can still take responsibility for my past choices…When I’m easy with myself I can still take responsibility for the consequences of my choices…When I’m easy with myself I am still deciding to learn the lessons of the past…Learning from my past is useful…Learning from my past is instructive…Beating myself up for bad choices is destructive…I give myself permission to be imperfect…I can be imperfect and still strive to do my best…I give myself permission to be easy with myself…Knowing that being easy with myself is not letting myself off easy…When I learn from my past without beating myself up…It is the fastest route to transformation…It is the fastest way to creating positive new habits.

Pod #275: EFT For Grief

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Unfortunately, death is an unfortunate fact of life. Even with the passing of a loved one is expected it is an emotionally difficult experience.

When we are facing the emotions that come after the death of a loved one, the goal is not to eliminate all of our emotion. Sadness is appropriate. Sadness is healthy. Instead we can tap to make sure that we are have proportional well informed emotions.

The tap-along audio and script that you can find below is perfect any time you are feeling the pain of the death of a loved one. It could be right when it happened, on the anniversary of their death, or on a random day that you are reminded of them.

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Having a loved one die hurts…I am overcome with sadness…Because I'm never again going to get a chance again to spend time with this person I loved…I won't get to ask them for advice…I won't get to share a joke…I won't get to cry alongside them…Those moments are gone…Because of that I hurt deeply…The hurt that I am feeling is just my system telling me that I miss someone who is really important…I want my system to know that I am completely aware of that fact…I am aware of the loss…I am aware of the disconnection…I give my system permission to feel that sadness…I'm not running away from this sadness…I'm not avoiding the sadness…It is simply my experience in this moment…But I also recognize the fact…Then I don't have to stay in that loss…It's not the only part of this experience…How lucky am I to have had this person in my life…I know my life is better because of their presents in it…I know my life is richer because of that experience…And I appreciate deeply the fact that I knew them…Even though I miss them…I recognize the fact that this feeling isn't going to last forever…That this sadness isn't going to last forever…That this pain isn't going to last forever…Even though in this moment it feels like it will…In this moment I'm allowed to feel grief…I don't have to fight it…I give myself permission to know it's not my total experience…This experience is more than the grief…I'm allowed to appreciate and I'm allowed to celebrate period I'm allowed to honor this friendship…They will be missed…I will feel the sadness of their loss again because they are loved…I don't have to feel sadness to honor the friendship…Feeling sadness is one of the ways to honor the friendship…I give myself permission to honor it in so many other ways…I am so lucky they were in my life…Remembering that is so much more important than the sadness of their loss…This sadness will pass…This grief will pass…But my connection to them will remain forever.