Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Breathing Life Into Anger

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Lately I have been having a lot of trouble with anger. I am able to do some tapping for it, but it isn't giving me total relief and it is coming back again and again. Do you have any thoughts on how I can tap for this?


photo by Darren Hester

Anger is a powerful and wonderful emotion. It exists to keep us safe. It is the power that allows us to fight back when we are being attacked. It sharpens our focus and it gives us strength.

But it is also a very primitive emotion. It is not always very discerning. It can take the smallest slight and perceive it as an attack. When it does this it raises its ugly head. Because it is such a powerful emotion it is important to clean it out at the roots.

One of my favorite techniques for working with anger is to give it the time, space, and power to yell it self out. Anger doesn't persist when it doesn't have something pushing back on it.

[Note: It is important to note that you should only try this technique in a space that is safe where you are not going to let the anger get the best of you.]

We begin by tapping. I have my client then move from tapping point to tapping point throughout the whole process.

Next, I have my clients tune in to the anger. I do this my having them notice how it feels in the body. Is it fists that want to punch, fire in the veins, a voice that wants to scream, or a series of thoughts running through their mind?

After they have described to me what the anger feels like I have them breathe life and energy into the anger. I have then take a number of deep breathes. As the oxygen enters the body I instruct them to feel it powering the anger.

Once the anger has grown into its full power I ask them to just let the anger scream it self out. I give them the option to do this in their head or to do it out loud. If there is someone they are angry at I encourage them to have the anger yell anything and everything it needs to say.

After I have them do this for a while and they feel like they are done I have them do it some more. And then I have them do it some more. And then I have them do it some more until the anger has just shouted itself out.

It is amazing how quickly anger can lose its power when it doesn't have something fighting against it or trying to hold it back. By doing this while tapping it just makes the whole process happen faster.

After you have done this to the point of boredom it is good to check in to see what new emotions are at the front of the mind. Many times the anger is not the root issue, but once the anger has gotten itself out of the way it now creates space for us to work on the root cause.

Once the deep root is revealed it is going to make it much more likely for the anger to not come back because instead of just dealing with the symptom of anger, you are able to get to what is much deeper.

Dealing With Procrastination When You Can’t Name The Drawback For Doing It?

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photo by Doug Waldron

I have read a lot of articles on tapping/EFT and procrastination. Almost every article talks about the first thing you should do is to name what could go wrong or what is the penalty for taking the action. I can see that if you cleared the emotional charge around these pitfalls how it could help you to move forward. The problem I have is I have no idea why I don't want to do these tasks. I know they are important. I know they are needed. I know they will improve my life. I can't figure out why, even on a subconscious level, why I think these are bad steps for me to take. How else can I use tapping to get through this procrastination?

I have heard from my clients and I have seen in my own life the biggest reason that we don't have the success we want is our own procrastination.

The question above states it correctly: The fastest way to get past procrastination is to find what could go wrong or what penalty is associated with the action, but sometimes this is not possible. When you find yourself procrastinating but you can't figure out why you are procrastinating, here are four things you can do to help get past the procrastination.

[Looking for a more comprehensive way of getting past what is keeping you stuck? Check out: 10 Steps To Getting Out Of Your Own Way]

Break The Task Into Steps
One of the reasons that we don't start a project is because we aren't clear on exactly what we need to do. Because we are unclear about this on a subconscious level it can feel unwieldy, overwhelming, or just plain confusing.

Merlin Mann recently said something really interesting on the Back To Work Podcast. He said (to paraphrase), that if something takes more than one step it is not a task, it is a project. The example he gave was putting up the Christmas tree. It feels like one small task, but you have to get the tree out of storage, clear the space the tree is going to go into, and put the stuff that was in that space somewhere else. AND, we haven't even considered decorating the tree yet!

Suddenly, the one line on the to-do list “put up the Christmas tree” is a much bigger task. Subconsciously, we know there is more to it, but since we are unclear what the steps are, it just feels bigger. Bigger means it is going to be harder than we thought. It is easier to just avoid bigger.

If you have a task, no matter how small, that you can't seem to get yourself to do, come up with a detailed list of the steps. This will make the project much more manageable. You will recognize that it can be done quickly or you will realize that you don't have to do it all right now, but there is some of it you can do now.

Tapping would look something like this:

I have this task that I just don't want to do…I know that if I break this task up into smaller pieces that I am going to be able to see that it is not that big of a deal…right now part of me knows that it is just bigger than the one task I am saying it is…even if I don't know exactly what all the steps are…by taking a few minutes to think about this task in steps I am going to be able to get it done…I know I can figure out the steps

[take a few moments to come up with a list of steps and then continue tapping]

I can now see that this task isn't as complicated as my subconscious thought…I now have a plan of what needs to be done…even if I can't do all of these steps right now…I know what the next step is…each of these steps are manageable…and if one of the steps isn't manageable and I procrastinate away from it…I can repeat this process…and break those steps down into smaller steps…this is possible…I can do this

Think Of Something You Failed At
Many times we have a hard time doing a task because there is part of us that feels like we have failed before and we are going to fail again. This can be hard to pinpoint because we might have failed at a relationship in the past and now we are trying to clean our house. I know that seems like a very extreme leap, but I have seen such wild connections with my clients.

When this happens it is very difficult for us to make the connection between these two extremes, therefore making it hard to tap on the original failure. When this happens it is possible for us to tap on failing in the past without having to know the exact manner in which it might be tied to this moment.

To do this start by thinking of something small that you failed at recently. It could be a meal that you burned, someone you forgot to pick up, or something you didn't complete on time. Tune-in to as many of the details as possible. Pay attention to how you feel now about the situation. Tap on something like this:

I have made mistakes in the past…I hate when I make mistakes…I look silly…I look foolish…I look like I can't do anything…but I have made many mistakes in the past that haven't been the end of the world…Even when it feels like it is the end of the world…it wasn't really the end of the world…I thought it was much worse than it was…as I look back now it just seems a little silly…I know there are times when I am not going to do everything right…but I can recover from these mistake…when I give something a try I am going to learn in the process of doing it…and I am going to do better the next time…I give myself permission to be easy with myself as I try new things…I don't have to do them alone…I can make this happen… in the past where things didn't work out perfectly…but it worked out in the end…that can happen again.

After doing this, try the task you are struggling to do again. Most times you will be able to easily start the task. If not think of another past failure and tap on it. Even though these past failures are not directly related to what is going on, the tapping will help free our subconscious up from it’s misperception that imperfection is unacceptable, and this in turn will make taking action easier.

Is It A Priority?
We can say something is really a priority, we can say something is very important, and we can say something needs to get done, but do we really mean it? In the business world companies talk all the time about their core values as a business. They will choose things like integrity, quality, and customer service. In many cases these are just empty words that might seem like a good idea but the company isn't really taking them seriously day-to-day.

The only time a company takes these values seriously is when they can state why they want this goal, there is a budget for it, there is a due dateand there is someone who is assigned to be in charge of making it happen. Otherwise they are just paying lip-service.

The same can be true for many of our tasks that don't seem to get done. We can state that working out is a really good idea. In a concrete way we can name why it is a good idea. We might even tell others that working-out is something we want to do. Working-out can be on our to-do list every day, but if it isn't really a priority it is never going to get done.

Here is how you can determine if a task is something that is a priority or if it is something that you are just paying lip-service to and therefore can just be crossed-off your list because your are never going to do it. Think of the task you are struggling to do and answer these four questions (also, write the answer out):

  • Budget/Resource: What are you willing to commit to achieve this goal? I am not talking about just financial resources, but also your time and your emotional energy. Some tasks are only going to take a little time while others are going to require you to carve out time regularly (like working out a couple days a week). Clearly name what you are willing to do for this task.
  • Due Date: When does it need to be done by? It is amazing how powerful a deadline can be.
  • Responsibility: Are you willing to take responsibility for it? This is something to consider seriously. Are you willing to say, “I am taking responsibility to do [insert task]”? If you aren't, then the task is never going to get done.
  • Why do you want to do it? This is an important question. Often times we say what we want to do without giving any thought as to why we are doing it. It is hard to lose weight, but it becomes easier to work out when we are doing it to make sure we are healthy to be around for our children. What do you get from doing this task? How does your life change by doing this task?

After you answer these four questions you can do one of two things. One, you can realize it is something that you don't want or need to do and it has ended up on your to-do list for some other reason. If this is the case, kill the task. Or secondly, take your answers and read them out loud as you tap. This will clear resistance and you will be doing the task before you know it.

What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen?
The question, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” is a very powerful reframe. I love using this when tapping with clients by pointing out really ridiculous outcomes that are not going to happen. For example, let’s say you want to ask for a raise, but can't bring yourself to do it. Here is a way to tap for it:

I want to ask for a raise…but I am worried it is going to go badly…I know that when I ask for a raise the building is not going to blow up…I am not going to drop dead of a heart attack…my boss is not going to run out of the room screaming and yelling…I am not going to be fired on the spot.

Are all of those extreme? Yes, but when we tune-in to the absolute extreme it is going to take some of the power out of our fear. Even when we don't know what might go wrong we can name a thousand really bad things that aren't going to happen. Give it a try. Just start tapping and name the things that aren't going to happen.

  • The world is not going to end
  • You are not doing to die
  • All hope and love are not going to be eliminated
  • Puppies are not going to die
  • Children are not going to cry
  • The BeeGees are not going to get back together

Yes it is laughable, but you will feel easier about what you would like to do.

Conclusion
The most import thing to remember when you are procrastinating about doing a task or taking a step is to not get frustrated with yourself. When we get frustrated we are compounding the problem. Not only are we not doing what we want to be doing, but we are also feeling bad about it. Be easy with yourself. Take a deep breath and try one of these steps and you will start moving towards your goal.

Round up – What is one thing you wish your clients believed about healing process?

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There is a wealth of information in the tapping community. From time to time I ask practitioners I respect their thoughts on tapping, healing, and their work. (I “round up” their opinions.) This happens about once a month. You can read past round-ups.

If you would like to check out my answer to this question (and more) you can download “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto“. (For free w/o having to sign up for anything.)

What is one thing you wish your clients believed about healing process?

That they are not victims of the process, but they are in charge of it. Once they understand that they are an integral part of the underlying process, they then start to use it more effectively and extricate themselves from being victims.
Ted Robinson

That sometimes it isn't a straight progression and every bump on the healing journey isn't a failure but more knowledge and insight about the problem.
Alina Frank

I believe that any belief that doesn't serve you can be changed. If I could get my clients (and the world) to believe that, I would be content with that as my life's work.
Pamela Bruner

You are designed as a divine being that has the ability to constantly renew themselves. Just like a wound on your skin, this is the regenerative process that occurs naturally, you want it or not.

Emotional wounds will not heal if they are not allowed to through remembrance of these with resentment, anger, fear and hate. If you inundate your soul with Love and forgiveness you will heal. Remember an emotion is not a fact,.. you can let it go.
Till Schilling

Don't judge the shift by the drama!

For whatever reason, some clients believe that they need a massive cathartic experience with lots of drama to change and heal. Yet, in the hands of a skilled practitioner, healing can be gentle, subtle and complete.
Rod Sherwin

That is worth taking time of your busy day to spend on healing. Even if you don't feel like it (or should I say ESPECIALLY when you don't feel like it). The longer you put it off, the longer you will feel unhealthy, unhappy or unfulfilled and there is absolutely no need for you to feel these negative emotions – you can heal. But none of the techniques will work unless you do them (or have sessions with a practitioner).
Mel

I wish they believed that it can be fun. It doesn't have to be deadly serious and earnestly heartfelt all the time. Humor is so healing in itself, and to mix it into any healing process is a total blessing. I have found that it really speeds things up. It goes against the common belief that unless the healing is a struggle, it's not worth much. I wished they believed that the healing process can feel good — because it most definitely can.
Janet Hilts

How would you answer this questions? Let us know!

FEAR! – 4 Questions That Will Help Us To Deal With It. (part 2 of 2)

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Where do I start with unbridled fear?


photo by Loretta Prencipe

I recently asked the members of Tapping Q and A Facebook Group what topic I should spend some time writing about. The first response back was “Where do I start with unbridled fear?”

In part 1 we looked at why we experience fear (and how that is not a bad thing). In part two we are going to look at how we can address the fear.

As we saw in part 1 fear exists for a reason, but often times it is responding to things that aren't truly dangerous (even though they feel very dangerous) or it is a response to things that might be dangerous but the reaction is excessive.

When this happens, because of the nature of fear, it becomes our predominant thought and this can become crippling. When I am starting to work with the emotion of fear there are four basic questions that I ask the fear.

[Note: For the rest of this article I am going to discuss the emotion of fear as if it had its own personality. I don't believe that each emotion has its own personality and I am not saying someone who is able to do this work has multiple personalities. You know what it is like to be of two minds. That is when you have two thoughts seemingly simultaneously that are opposite of each other. You can feel as if these two parts of your mind are in conflict with each other.

In this article we are going to deal with fear in the exact same way. I am going to talk as if we are going to have the conscious mind ask the fear for information. It is just simply easier for clarity sake to talk as if it is distinct. It isn't really separate.]

These are the steps I take to use these questions:

  • Take a deep breath and feel yourself grounded in the moment.
  • Start to tap. All you need to do is just tap 6-8 times on each point and move on to the next while you do the whole process.
  • Tune-in to the feeling of fear. You might do this by thinking of the thing, event, or experience that causes you fear. If it is more just an overriding feeling that is always there in the background then simply tune-in to how it feels in your mind and your body.
  • Ask the fear, as if you were asking another person, one of the questions from below.
  • Wait for information to come back. This information might come right away, while at other times it might take some time to come into focus.
  • If you get information that is unclear or incomplete ask for more information.
  • Use the information gathered for more specific tapping.

Let's take a look at the 4 simple (and I mean very simple) but powerful questions before we look at a few concrete examples to see how this works.

What are you afraid of?
This seems like a very straightforward question, but often times we are so caught-up in the feeling of fear that we are only feeling fear and not thinking about what we are actually feeling the fear about. This is also a very good question for the feeling of fear that just always seems to be there. When we are on-edge and just feeling dread all the time there is very little thought given to what the fear is about, so this is a great question to ask.

What are you keeping safe from?
The feeling of fear is all about danger. There is something out there that can be harmful. This question is very similar to the first but comes at it in a little different way. By asking what we are being kept safe from, this is a great way to find out what the direct threat is. It is important to keep in mind that this question isn't just about physical danger in the world, like a tiger attack. The fear could be trying to keep us safe from being embarrassed, not living up to our potential, or creating unrealistic expectations for our life.

What could go wrong?
Fear is always on the lookout for what is coming next. One of the main things it is looking out for is what could go wrong as we move forward following a certain path. If we ask the question, “What are you afraid of?” the answer might be speaking in public. When we ask, “What could go wrong?” and the answer is, “I am going to look like a fool in front of my boss,” we are starting to get to the core of the matter.

What proof do you have this is true?
Often times the fears we have are reasonable. It is reasonable that we might do a bad job giving a presentation at work and that we would look like a fool in front of the boss. But just because it is a reasonable possibility doesn't mean that it is probable. When we ask the fear the question “What proof do you have that this is going to happen?” one of two things are going to happen. First we might be presented with a past situation where things didn't go well. This gives us a memory that we can tap on. Second we might get, “Well . . . I don't have any proof at all. Many times just this realization (while tapping) that there is not real proof this will happen will help to discharge some of the fear.

When we are using these questions we are going to do it in a fashion that is not necessarily in the order that is listed above. One question will often lead us to another and then again back to the first. These are just tools to help you with the conversation that you are having with the fear. It might look something like this.

Question: What are you afraid of?

Answer: Something bad is going to happen.

Q: What are you afraid of that is bad?

A: I am going to be exposed.

Q: What are you afraid you are going to be exposed as?

A: Being exposed as a fraud

Q: What proof do you have that you are going to be exposed as a fraud?

A: I don't have any, but I don't know what I am doing and they are going to see that

Q: What will go wrong if they see you as a fraud?

A: They are not going to trust me in the future

Q: When you didn't know what you were doing in the past and they found out, how did it turn out?

A: Actually not too bad. When they found out I didn't understand something they created space for me to learn the skills I needed.

Q: Now that you know it is okay to not know everything, are you still worried?

A: Yes

Q: What are you worried about?

A: I hate not being able to do the job right the first time

Q: What is the penalty for not getting it done right the first time?

A: Because I would be a loser

Q: What proof do you have that you are a loser if you don't get it right the first time?

A: My father always said, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”

By taking the time to have a conversation with the emotion and by making sure that you take time to keep asking for more information, it is going to lead you deeper to the roots of the issue. If you are tapping while doing this question-and-answer process, you are going to be taking the edge off of the fear and then when you come to a clearly tappable issue (like the memory of the father in the example above) you go after that issue. After that issue is clear you start the process again seeing if there is any fear left. If there is, you simply start asking the questions of the fear again.

Round Up – What is one thing you wish your clients believed about themselves?

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There is a wealth of information in the tapping community. From time to time I ask practitioners I respect their thoughts on tapping, healing, and their work. (I “round up” their opinions.) This happens about once a month. You can read past round-ups.

If you would like to check out my answer to this question (and more) you can download “Recovering Self: A Healing Manifesto“. (For free w/o having to sign up for anything.)

What is one thing you wish your clients believed about themselves?

That they are perfect the way they are. They are beings of light and love who have created their universe. Some of the things they created they have outgrown and so they no longer like creations. But that does not mean that they are broken. All it means is they have to put their attention on creating what they want their life to be like.
Chip Engelmann

That they are worthy. I get a lot of clients that come to me with a particular issue like wanting to go for a new career etc but it soon becomes apparent that they do not feel worthy of the things they desire (new career, love, happiness).
Mel

“I wish they would accept that they are the “story tellers” of their life and they establish the illusions and then place themselves into each story perfectly to learn a new lesson each time. If they could accept that, they could then tell different stories and learn different lessons which I believe would be more beneficial for them.”
Ted Robinson

That persistence is sometimes the key.
Alina Frank

One thing I wish they believed is that it's OK to ask for help or use EFT yourself as a first resort instead of the last resort. I wish they believed that bucking up is being unnecessarily hard on themselves. In our culture, suffering is highly overrated!
Janet Hilts

That they understand the amazing resiliency of the human spirit. Having worked with hundreds of clients who have managed to function in daily life when they have experienced horrendous tragedy just blows me away – and I'm humbled to be able to help them experience emotional freedom from their past as a gift of the courage and strength they have already demonstrated.
Rod Sherwin

How would you answer this questions? Let us know!