Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

What To Tap On Before Tapping On An Issue (Which Will Make All The Difference)

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photo by Robobobobo

In the discussion forum of a program I help out with an interesting question was posted this week.

The poster, “Debbie”, told the story of having to deal with a lizard in her house. Debbie is petrified of lizards. When she saw the lizard she started tapping and tapping and tapping. Twenty minutes later she was still suck in the fear.

She didn't feel one bit better and her question was, “Why did tapping fail?”

This is a really good question and a common experience. To understand what is going we need understand why the emotion showed up in the first place before looking at why EFT didn't work.

Fear Is Good!

I know it seems counterintuitive, but fear is a good thing. Fear keeps us safe and it keeps us out of trouble. Fear helps us to recognize the things that could harm us.

So the problem is NOT fear. The problem is when fear shows up in a disproportionate or misinformed way.

It is good that I fear lions, but if my fear keeps me from leaving my apartment in Brooklyn then it is disproportionate.

Debbie’s paralysis over a small, harmless lizard is an example of fear showing up in a misinformed way.

Our System Doesn't Want To Lose The Fear

At the most basic level our system “knows” that fear is a good thing because keeps us safe from danger. It assumes that if we are fearful of something it is for good reason and therefore it would be dangerous to release our fears and not respond to threat in the correct manner.

As in my example of being so fearful of lions that I don't leave my apartment in a big city, my system’s instinct of self-preservation fights against tapping for and releasing my fear in case I decide to head up to the Bronx Zoo and climb into the lion enclosure.

I know that sounds silly, but the system will not allow me to clear the fear of lions because it believes the only reason I am safe is because of this fear.

Clearing The Resistance To Change

I believe that this is what was happening when Debbie tapped for her fear of lizards. Her system clung on resolutely to the fear of lizards because it believed that clearing it would lead to certain danger.

When it comes to tapping for anything, not just fear, it is important that we tap for our resistance to change before we tap for the issue itself. If there is a resistance to change then the healing and transformation process will be slower and harder.

Here is how you can tap in a general way to clear resistance to change before you jump into tapping for a specific issue:

There is a reason that my system is holding on to this issue…My system is convinced that this is how it can keep me safe and healthy…My system believes that if I release this issue I will be in more pain…But I give my system permission to know that it is safe to heal this issue…I give my system permission to know that I am only trying to change the misinformed information it is working from…I trust my system and want it to work as well as it can…I want what is best for me…And I know my system wants what is best for me too…It is safe and healthy for me to heal this issue…And if my system is unhappy with the change I can return to the old way…I am tapping on this because I want what is best for me…And I know my system wants what is best for me too.

Starting in this way will set you up for success. If you are looking for another simple way to set up your tapping sessions for success I would encourage you to watch this short video: 5 Steps I Take To Start An EFT Session (That Only Take 45 Seconds)

If you are looking for a boatload of tools to help you each time you sit down to tap you should check out the Ruach Center. In addition to over 100 tap-along audios there are 25 tools to help you tackle those issues where you feel stuck.

[Note: You might be wondering why there is a photo of a cute bunny rabbit on an article about fear. I was going to put a photo of a lizard, but didn't want to trigger anyone who was afraid of lizards. I am guessing bunnies are a much safer bet.]

My Ego Gets In The Way Of My Healing

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If you spent any time on Facebook this week I'm sure you noticed a lot of people's profile pictures were of a giraffe.

This wasn’t because people love giraffes. It was because they had lost a bet. It went like this…on Sunday morning I saw this posted on a friend's Facebook wall:

Here is the riddle: 3 am, the doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors… it's your parents and they are here for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread, and cheese. What is the first thing you open?

Remember… message me only. If you get it right, I will post your name here. If you get it wrong, you have to change your profile picture to a giraffe for three days.

I read the post and immediately fired off my reply, “The front door of course.” I waited confidently knowing I was going to receive a congratulatory message back.

Three minutes later I was changing my profile picture to the photo you see above.

My Ego Got In The Way

This is an interesting bet. I would not have answered this bet with a guess. The only way I would have responded was if I knew I was right. The bet was designed to play on my over-confidence

I ran into trouble (not that it was real trouble) because I was convinced I was right when I was not.

I see the same thing all the time with my clients (and myself) when it comes to working on the right issue. We get caught up in what we “know” to be the root cause of our issue.

This isn't because we are egomaniacs who think we are right all the time, or because we are stupid. No, the reason is that we are often so close to our own issues that it can be really difficult to see things clearly. And in not seeing everything clearly we are convinced what we see is true.

When this happens we can end up wasting a lot of time tapping for the wrong issue!

How To Get Out Of Your Own Way

Here three things to help you to get out of your own way.

1) Work with a practitioner.
In addition to the expertise and experience a good practitioner brings, they have the advantage of not being inside your head. They have perspective on the issue that we don't have and can see things more objectively.

One of the advantages of working with a practitioner is that we don't even have to do all the work with the practitioner. My clients often gain new insight working with me and then take that new information to continue tapping on their own.

2) What if it is something else?
I really like asking the question, “What could be the root cause of this issue if what I thought was the root cause of the issue was proven to be wrong?”

I know that question doesn't look like much, but when we give ourselves permission to let go of what we think is right we are better able to explore other possible solutions.

3) Ask lots questions from many angles.
Sometimes when we are working on a issue we are looking at it the wrong way. For example, let's say you wanted to create a blog about a hobby you love. You are really excited to get started, but for some reason it never happens. You decided that the reason that you are not creating the blog is because you are worried people are going to judge the quality of your work.

That seems very logical. Not being a professional writer and then sharing your writing with world can be scary. You spend the next few weeks tapping for being seen, being judged, and being good enough.

After all this tapping you feel great, you feel confident…and still you don't do any writing.

The real problem turns out to be that you have no idea how to create a website and don't want to feel stupid trying something new.

The tapping that was done was helpful, but it wasn't for the issue that was holding you back.

Over in the Ruach Center I have list of 52 possible reasons that you are stuck in something. You can access the full list free of charge here: Finding Out Why You Are Stuck

When you have an issue you have been tapping for, but can't seem to knock it out, it might be time to find a new angle on the problem and this is a great tool to help you do just that.

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It’s Not Your Fault – I Learned Everything I Needed To Know About Manifesting From Good Will Hunting

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The most memorable moment from the 1997 movie “Good Will Hunting” is when Will (played by Matt Damon) is talking with Sean (played by Robin Williams) about his history of abuse. Will is sharing how his father beat him.

Six times Sean says to Will, “It's not your fault”.

Again and again.

“It's not your fault.”

Will slowly breaks down.

“It's not your fault.”

By the end he finally believes him.

It's Not Your Fault!

Over the years it is amazing the range of things that my clients have taken credit for in their lives. Everything from partners cheating to animals being hit by a car. I even had one client take credit for a flash flood that destroyed everything in her basement.

Please, don't get me wrong.

I am not saying that we are simply at the whims of the universe and that we are helpless victims of the fates, but I do think people often take too much responsibility for what is happening to them.

Personally, I think the problem comes from the way most people use the word ‘manifest’. Because it is possible to create new opportunities in our lives people take it to an extreme and think that everything in their life is a direct result of their thoughts and the choices that they have made.

Somewhere there is a line between what we have created in our lives and what is outside of our control. And to be honest, I am not smart enough to know where that line is.

I do know this: most of my clients err on the side of taking too much responsibility.

AND what is worse is that they beat themselves up for “manifesting” these bad things into their lives. I think this causes two problems. First, I believe it is harmful to blame ourselves for something that isn't our fault. Second, when we do this we often remain in an emotional state of blame and self-recrimination and so we don't take any new positive action.

There are so many times where I just want to say over and over again to my clients “It's not your fault.”

It's Not My Fault, So Now What?

Regardless what has happened leading up to this point and whose “fault” it is, what is much more important is how we choose to react.

The one thing we DO have control over is our reaction. The one thing that we can take responsibility for is what happens next. In order to do this we need to release the feeling of blame and shame for what we have created in our life.

When my clients are caught up in this blame/shame response the first thing I have them do is tap to something like this:

Right now there is something in my life that I don't like…I might have manifested it in my life…Or it might be something that has shown up because of things outside of my control…Someday it will be important for me to get to the root of how this happened…But right now the most important thing is how I respond…Right now the most important thing is that I take responsibility for my response…Right now the most important thing is the choice I am going to make next…Part of me wants to blame myself for this…Part of me want to punish myself for creating this…I choose to let that desire go for now…I choose instead to make the best possible choice as I move forward…I choose to take responsibility for my response…I choose to make the best possible choice to get out of this…I choose to make the best possible choice to move forward…I choose to take responsibility for what I do next…That is where I have the most control.

It's About Your Next Action

I want to be very clear. I do think it is important to understand why things happen in our lives. It is even more important to recognize the patterns that are showing up and to take responsibility for any unhealthy choices that we are making.

BUT, in the short term what is more important (at least in my mind) is the choices that we make next in response to what is happening in our lives. What we do next is more important than how we got here.

When you are stuck in the blame/shame cycle and things aren't going right, take a few moments to tap through the script above.

If you are looking for more tools and tap-alongs to help you make better choices in response to where you are come join us in the Ruach Center. Currently there are over 100 tap-along audios and more than 25 tools to help you tap in response to wherever you find yourself.

Filed Under: Q&A

The 3 Stages Of Lasting Transformation

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I was talking to one of my long term clients “Jesse” this week. She said, “Intellectually I get this, but I still can't seem to make the change.”

What Jesse is experiencing is very common. The reason that most of us find our way to tapping is because understanding something intellectually often isn't enough for us to change our behavior.

In thinking about the process that most of my clients have gone through (and what I have experienced in my personal work) I have realized there are 3 basic steps to making a lasting change in our lives.

Intellectual/Cognitive Understanding

This happens all the time. This is when we know exactly what change we want to make and why we haven't been making the right choices in the past. For example we know intellectually that:

  • It doesn't need to be perfect. It only needs to be good enough.
  • It doesn't matter what my parents think about me looking for a new job.
  • If I commit to just 30 minutes of exercise three times a week I’ll see an improvement in my fitness.
  • Worrying continually about things I cannot change helps nobody.

Emotional Understanding

Just because we understand something intellectually doesn't mean that we will make new choices. Every single one of my clients who is a perfectionist knows they are a perfectionist, knows that it doesn't serve them to be a perfectionist, and wants to change this about themselves.

Most of them can feel themselves being too much of a perfectionist even as they are acting on their perfectionistic tendency. They can be saying out loud, “I don't need to do this perfectly” yet are still unable to stop themselves.

This is because on an emotional level there is a part that still believes it is dangerous to not be perfect.

Until there is an emotional understanding of the intellectual insight lasting change can’t take place.

Habitual Change

This is the type of change that is most often missed and the thing that causes tappers the most frustration about the process.

It goes something like this: We have an emotional belief that we need to have everything just perfect, so every night before we go to bed we spend 45 minutes cleaning the house. We tap for the sense of perfectionism, aiming to get to a place where we know that the house doesn't have to be perfectly clean every day…and we still spend 45 minutes cleaning before we can get to bed.

What Happened?

What has happened is part of our end of day routine is to clean for 45 minutes. It is no different than the habit of brushing our teeth before bed. It has become part of our muscle memory and so we do it even though the emotional motivation is gone.

This doesn't just apply to our action. We also create habitual emotions and self-talk. For example, I might have the habit of asking “What did I do wrong?” every time something goes wrong even if I had nothing to do with it. I can tap to recognize that it is not always my fault, but questioning my responsibility can be a habit.

Conclusion

To make long term lasting change we need to change three things: our understanding, our emotional response, and our habitual response.

If you are looking for help with doing this the Ruach Center has tools, tapping scripts, and tapping audios to help with you with all three steps. If you don't know how to do one of these steps for something you are trying to change in your life you should check it out.

What Do You Mean I Don’t Want To Get Rid Of The Emotion?

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Yesterday morning I posted this on the Tapping Q & A facebook page:

Post by Tapping Q & A.

The first comment I received in response to the post was:

Isn't it really anger elimination when you tap? It does far more than manage, don't you agree?

That is a great question. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques and so that would lead us to believe we are trying to be free of our emotions. But in fact, that is not our goal.

Here is my response:

No, it is not anger elimination because anger is helpful emotion. Anger shows up when we feel like we are being attacked. The guys I worked with in jail sometimes need the energy of anger to stay alive when they are in physical danger.

The problem is not anger. The problem is when the anger is disproportionately strong or shows up at a time when anger isn't the appropriate response.

It is OK to be angry when someone cuts us off while driving. The anger helps us to focus and avoid an accident. If we then pull over and cry for 45 minutes or follow the person who cut us off home so we can confront them, then the anger is too much.

No emotion is bad or should be eliminated. We want the emotions to show up at the right time and in the right proportion.

When we tap the goal is never the elimination of emotions. It is to help the emotions to show-up in proportionate and informed ways.

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