 photo by Abby |
I was working with a client named “Jane”. Jane really knows Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping. I said to her, “I have a radical suggestion for you. And you don’t need to do it. But it is a thought. I think you need to surrogately tap for both of them!”
Her response was a loooong pause, followed by, “OK, I’m listening. Why would I do that?”
Let me back up a little. Jane had called me because she was feeling frustrated, hurt, and stabbed in the back. It was a business situation where one person was saying bad things about her and another, who is a friend, wasn’t standing up for her and letting the smack talk spread.
Jane was feeling hurt by the person who was saying bad things about her professionally. She was feeling even more hurt by her “friend” who wasn’t standing up for her or letting her know what was being said about her.
Which led to this interaction:
Me: “I have a radical suggestion for you. And you don’t need to do it. But it is a thought. I think you need to surrogately tap for both of them!”
Jane: (pause) “OK, I’m listening. Why would I do that?”
Me: “Because it is the fastest way for you to be free from the emotions of the situation.”
Now, I want to be very clear, sometimes it DOES NOT make sense to take the fastest path. Sometime it makes much more sense for us to take our time with an issue.
There are times when it is healthier for us to heal slowly. Our systems need time for us to work into the issue. I regularly work with clients for whom it would be much too painful to dive head first into an issue. These clients need to work their way gradually into the deep emotional pain they feel.
One of the beauties of EFT/EvEFT is that it allows us to creep up on an issue.
But there are also times when we just want to be free of something, when we’re ready to go right to the core of an issue. In such cases the fastest path can be best.
I have found that when I’m angry at, frustrated by, or hurt by someone else, the fastest path to being free of my emotions is to tap for them and their issues.
This does a couple of things for me.
First, it helps me to get to the root of my emotions. If I’m trying to tap in health and well being for someone I think does NOT deserve those things, I get fully tuned into the negative feelings I have about them.
The internal dialogue will go something like this:
Me: I wonder what they are struggling with right now
Me: Who cares…I want them to get their finger caught in their zipper
Me: I hope for good things in their day
Me: They can go jump in a lake for all I care
Me: Who is being a burden to them today?
Me: No one, because they are too busy being a burden to me to notice anyone else.
Second, by surrogately tapping for them it gives us a chance to look at things from their point of view. Every action the other person takes serves some functional purpose for them.
I WANT TO BE VERY CLEAR: This isn’t to say that their actions are right!
This isn’t saying it is okay that they take the action towards us!
This is not saying they are permitted to take the same action again to us!
This is not saying that they should not take responsibility for their action!
We all must take full responsibility for our actions, but it might help us to reframe the situation.
My goal in life is simply this: To live the truth I know (which is limited, incomplete, and hopefully expanding each day) in every action and choice I make. In doing this I know things are not always going to turn out the way I want. I hope to respond to all outcomes — the ones I want and the ones I don’t — with a sense of grace and love.
Do I do this all of the time? NO!
Do I do this most of the time? Maybe, maybe not.
But that is what I shoot for. The easiest way for me to do this is to accept all people with love. When I tap surrogately for them, that’s what I am doing.
Again, this is not to condone their actions and/or choices, but it gives me the choice to be free, to stop being an emotional prisoner to their choices.
That is the only control I have, at least until I can reframe the situation to the point of recognizing other options exist.
I am not saying you HAVE TO tap for the people who frustrate, hurt, belittle, and take advantage of you.
Also, I am not saying that you need to stop being mad, frustrated, angry, or hurt.
I know from personal experience, it can be a lot of fun to be angry.
Anger, hurt, and frustration can and do serve a purpose. You can choose to emotionally live wherever you like.
What I am saying is that, based on my own experience, the fastest way to be emotionally clear of negative emotions about someone else is to tap for them.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Feel free to comment below or drop me a note.
If you are unfamiliar with surrogate tapping check out:
- Intro to surrogate tapping
- It’s not surrogate, but it helps others make different choices
- Three steps to surrogate tapping
- How a parent can tap for their child
What more info on surrogate tapping:
Dear Gene, I have been doing EFT for some years now. I love to try out new variations and see what impact it has on me. Your suggestion about “the most radical tapping” is quite a different approach. When I tried it out it straight away caused a shift on an old trauma I am still holding. I will definitely continue to work with this method.
I find your website very interesting and very inspirational.
Thanks a lot.
Brenda
Switzerland
The scripture says “bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you” as well as “forgive seventy times seven” so this is pretty much the same thing. It sets us free from hurt, anger, hatered and other negitive feelings so I think you really have something very powerful with this method. Go Gene.
There’s an old adage (I forget the originator’s name) that states:
“Being angry with someone is like taking poison, and then waiting for the OTHER person to die!”
Pretty accurate, would you not agree?
Good article, Gene. It’s just as relevant today as it was when you wrote it. Keep up the AWESOME work! :-)
Robin St. Louis
Automatic Mental Toughness Training Consultant
Certified Level 3 EFT Practitioner & Trainer