Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

Archives for September 2007

Trouble on the phone

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I have hesitancy (read as fear) when making phone calls. How can I use EFT on this issue?


photo by Jason Nicholls

When we are using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) for any issue of fear there are two basic approaches I use with my clients.

[Note: As always it is best to have a pen and paper on hand to take notes as you do any of these techniques.]

Movie Technique
The movie technique is one of the most common approaches for dealing with something that has an emotional charge form the past.  Here is longer description of the movie technique.

The movie technique is straightforward. Pick one experience in your past where there is an emotional charge. In this example think back to a time you needed to make a phone call and it was hard to make or you weren’t able to make it at all. This is the “movie” we are going to use.

Give the movie a name, something simple like “calling the radio station”. Play the movie in your head. As you do this, pay attention to what emotions arise.

Pay attention to the emotions that are coming up now as you play the movie. The emotions you feel now might be different from the emotions you felt at the time. We are concerned how it affects you now, not then.

Whatever emotions arise, write them down on your paper. Again, be as specific as you can. It is possible that you have more than one emotion (eg fear, overwhelm, desperation, anger). Write each of these emotions down.

After you have written down the emotion(s), write down why you feel this emotion. (e.g., I am afraid because they are going to ask me to do something I don’t want to do, and I can’t say “no”.)

It is possible to have different reasons for one emotion. You might feel fear, but for three different reasons (e.g., they are going to ask me to do something, they are going to say no to what I asked, they are going to feel I am wasting their time, they won’t remember who I am). If there are multiple reasons for one emotion, write each of them down.

Next, on a scale of 0 to 10, how much do you feel each emotion when you play the movie? It is important to note this for each thing you have written down. If you have three reasons to fear, they are very likely to have different levels of intensity. Rate each one separately.
Now that you have your list of emotions and reasons, pick one to start tapping on. It is important to do this one issue at a time. The most logical place to start is with the emotion that has the highest intensity, but this is not always the case. Trust your intuition.

After you’ve done a round of tapping, re-rate the intensity by playing the movie in your head again. Do as many rounds of tapping as you need to get to zero. Each time you finish a round, replay the movie and re-rate.

Once you have eliminated the first fear/reason/issue, move on to the second. Before you tap on the next issue, check to see if the original levels of intensity you wrote down for the remaining issues are still accurate by replaying the movie again, tuning into these remaining issues. It is important to check these levels because they may have changed.

It’s not uncommon to have lots of different emotions about one memory. When the first is eliminated, the others can be reduced because they are connected. It is also possible, as we worked on issue number one, that none of the others changed at all.

Once you have rechecked all the remaining issues, move on to a second issue. Again, choose the one that makes the most sense to do next. Repeat this process until you can replay the movie, having no negative emotional charges remaining.

To continue the process, either now, or at a future time, pick another memory, repeating the steps.

See yourself  in the future doing what you fear.
The process is exactly the same as the process we just did, but instead of playing a movie that is in the past, you are going to make up a movie in the future. For example, in this case, you need to make a phone call in future. Play the movie in your head of what you imagine is going to happen.

Again be as specific as possible with the movie. Who are you calling and why? See yourself looking up the phone number, dialing the phone, hearing the phone ring, hearing someone answer, and hearing the response to whatever you say.

The process is exactly the same. Play the movie, write down your emotions, rate the intensity of each emotion, and tap.

You can repeat this process a number of times with as many future events as you would like to try.

Emotional Triggers (Part 1 of 3)

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Is there anything I can do with EFT to help with my emotional triggers?

I can remember from my childhood a “conversation” between my mother and sister, the way only mothers and daughters can have a “conversation”).

Mother: You are doing that on purpose just to push my buttons!

Sister: How can I not? Your buttons are this big! (Holding her hands about three feet apart.)

We all have emotional triggers; those people, places, memories and situations that just set us off. One moment we’re fine, the next we’re a mess of anger, frustration, or even sadness. Sometimes this happens in reaction to words someone says. Other times it happens because we’ve returned to a place in our past that has an emotional charge. The trigger could be as small as the song on the radio, a single word, or an image in a commercial on TV.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a great tool for dealing with the emotions that come up after our emotional triggers have been fired. We simply need to tune into what’s going on and what we’re feeling and then notice what happened that set off those feelings. But this isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

The environment around us, at an unexpected time, often touches off these emotional triggers.  Generally, when it is fired we are in a public setting. This can make it difficult for us to find the time and space we need to tap.

The environment around us, at an unexpected time, often touches off these emotional triggers. Generally, when it’s fired we are in a public setting. This can make it difficult for us to find the time and space we need to tap.

Also, when we have a significant emotional response from an emotional trigger, we are very wrapped up in the emotions. We aren’t thinking of much else because of the intensity. I know when I experience any emotion over a 7 on the SUDS (Intensity) scale I don’t always have the presence of mind to think, “I should be tapping on this.”

One of the reasons I love EFT is that it’s not only helpful with emotions that come up in the moment, but it can also be used to reduce the potency of or even eliminate the trigger that caused the emotion completely.

For example, I received a call from a client named “Julie”. She was very excited and wanted to tell me about a reception she had attended the night before. During the happy hour before the awards banquet, she was chatting with a few colleagues. One of them, “Jane,” turned to Julie out of the blue and insulted the quality of her work.

Julie explained that in the past she would have said nothing at the time, but for the rest of the evening she would have replayed the conversation over and over in her head, each time agreeing more and more with the person’s assessment of her work and ability, each moment questioning her own abilities. Finally, she would have cried herself to sleep that night.

Instead, she said, “I have done so much EFT work on my self-esteem that I knew what she said wasn’t true. Instead of getting mad, frustrated, or depressed, I just said a little prayer in my head for Jane. I prayed that somebody would affirm the work she was doing.”
That story is the perfect example of how doing work ahead of time will prevent our emotional triggers from going off.

There are three ways to reduce or eliminate the power of these triggers with EFT: take care of the emotion that has been triggered by recent experiences; work on the triggers we already know we have (our ongoing triggers), and look ahead to see what possible triggers are coming up in our future.

Take the time to deal with the emotional triggers that have been set off during the day
Every time an emotional trigger is set off it is a good thing. And, I am not one of those people who love pain. Every time we have an emotional response we gain information. A negative emotional response means we’ve encountered something that is associated with a root problem, belief, or memory that is better healed now than later.

Every symptom we have is attached to a root problem, feeling or belief. It’s very easy for us to forget that every time we work on a symptom, we are also working on the root of the symptom. When we reduce our response to an emotional trigger we are dealing with at least a piece of the core issue. The next time we encounter the same type of trigger our response is going to be less, or even non-existent.

In the best of all worlds, the moment we notice unwanted emotions we would immediately tap them away. When we don’t, or can’t, tap the moment the emotion impacts us, it’s important to come back to this experience at a later time. The experience has given us valuable information about a weakness in ourselves that is better healed.

I take time at the end of every day, before I go to sleep, to review my day. I think of every moment in which I had a disproportionate emotional response. I revisit each of these memories, tapping on them until they no long have an emotional charge.

By doing this, I can get a good night’s sleep because I’m no longer feeling the stresses of the day, and I’m making progress on the core issues that underlie the emotional triggers I have.

Emotional Triggers (part 2 of 3)
Emotional Triggers (part 3 of 3)

What words and phrases do I use? AKA: I don’t know what to say! (part 3)

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When I was working with the person who taught me EFT, it worked great. Now that I’m working on my own, I don’t know what phrases to use. Do you have any suggestions?

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is different from most protocols in its flexibility. There is not just one way to do it. What works on one problem might be less effective on the next. What works for one person is not going to work as well on the next. This is particularly true with the words and phrases we say.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the question, “Are these the right words?”

The problem is that’s the wrong question. When I say wrong, I mean that it’s not a helpful question.

There are no right or wrong words with EFT. The words we use are not magical. They are useful only insofar as they help us to stay focused on the issue we want to resolve. Just saying words out loud doesn’t mean that we’re focused on what those words mean.

On more than one occasion I’ve been in church saying the creed with the rest of the congregation. The words are just coming out of my mouth as my mind wanders to what I want to do with my afternoon. All of a sudden I snap back into the moment and I have no idea where we are in the prayer. I’ve been on autopilot. Words have been coming out of my mouth, but they mean nothing to me.

In the same fashion, I can be saying, “This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…This pain in my knee…” and be thinking of anything but my knee.

Also, it’s possible for me to tune into the pain in my knee without ever saying those words out loud.

Often when my clients are dealing with something that is very emotional, rating a 9 or 10, I don’t have them say anything out loud. To start, they can just tap. If they are at a 9 or 10 they are fully tuned in to the emotion. As the emotional level comes down, we start using reminder phrases to stay focused.

The key take away is this: It’s more important to remember why we use the reminder phrase than how to do the reminder phrase. If you remember its purpose, to keep us focused, then you can say anything you want while tapping, as long as it keeps you focused on the issue at hand.

For example, I’ve worked with clients who have an issue with a person I also know. The client doesn’t want to put me in the middle of the dispute. When they are tapping I have them say, “This anger at old what’s his name because he stabbed me in the back.”

In this example my client knows who “old what’s his name” is. By using that phrase, they are tuned in to the issue, and I never have to know who the issue is with.

Here are a few guidelines for choosing phrases:

1) Keep it simple. Using the phase, “this pain in my knee,” is powerful enough. You don’t have to get any more sophisticated that that.

2) Be as specific as possible. Before you start tapping on “this pain in my knee,” make sure you think about the pain in your knee. Ask the question listed in EFT 102: Tune In – (Physical Pain) to get a really good idea of what it feels like. You can even use those words:

This pain in my knee…That feels red…And is the shape of a rod…That feels like it is made of fire

These descriptive words will help you tune in.

3) For an emotion, just tell the story of what happened.

My boss came in at the end of the day to give me extra work…I needed to get home to help my wife…It was so inconsiderate…I can’t help it if he can’t get his work done on time…It’s unfair that he’s heaping it on me…It really made me mad…It hurts that he doesn’t think my time is as important is his

And so on. It’s as simple as telling the story. State the facts and state how they make you feel.

4) Break the issue down to the smallest pieces possible. The easiest way to do this is to keep asking why.

I’m mad at my roommate…Why are you mad?…The kitchen is a mess….Why does this make you mad?…Because it feels like I live in a pigsty….Why does living in a pigsty make you mad?…Because my friends see it when they come over….Why does it make you mad that your friends might think you live in a pigsty?…Because they think I’m irresponsible.

Being mad because the kitchen is dirty and being mad because it makes me look bad are very different things. Get specific. You can now tap on, “When my roommate makes our place a mess I ‘m afraid that others are going to judge me.”

5) If you don’t know what to say, tap on that.

I don’t know what to say…I’m afraid I’m going to use the wrong words…I’m worried this is a waste of time…But I know you really can’t do this wrong…Even if I have no progress I’m only going to waste one minute of time…There really is no penalty for doing it wrong…I give myself permission to try. [How to use these tapping phrases]

Then give it a shot. You will find the right words.

It’s all better! Should I keep using EFT on it?

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Should you keep tapping on the same issue day after day? If you’re doing okay without tapping, should you continue tapping on the same issue? For how long?


photo by TeeJe

That depends; all things with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) seem to be situational.

Here are a few things to consider:

Is it an issue that needs regular maintenance? For example, even when our teeth are healthy, we brush them every day because we are always adding things to our mouths that could create future decay. Is the issue something that has contributing factors every day? For example, you might have an issue with a frustrating boss. If he does things every day that might continue to frustrate you, then it might be good to tap every day on that issue.

Are you worried it’s going to come back? If you’re worried about something coming back, tap on the worry you have about the issue coming back.

(Even thought I have found healing, I’m afraid that it’s only temporary and it might come back.)

If you have no current issue but want to make sure it stays that way, tap in thanksgiving for your healing

I am so happy that my body has healed itself. I give thanks for the fact that my body has realized it no longer needs to hold onto these feelings. I am thankful for the fact that my body can heal itself in so many amazing ways.

If it’s a really big issue, it might be worth a few minutes of tapping each day, just to keep it at bay. Tapping is like wearing a seat belt. It doesn’t take much effort to do. You might only need it once in a million times, but you’re thankful the one time you need it. Err on the side of caution. Take three minutes each day to tap on the issue. If the issue is really big, it’s worth three minutes a day.

Stop tapping on it. Maybe you are done, BUT keep an eye out for any symptoms that may creep back. Keep checking in on the issue. The instant a hint of it comes back, go after it again. It’s always easier to deal with a small issue than a big one.

I don’t believe the words I say while doing EFT!

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I don’t believe some of the things I say when I tap. Does that matter?

For us to do work on any thought/emotion we need to bring it into our thought field (meaning we are feeling or thinking it) at the moment we are tapping. That might be a little bit of a confusing statement, so let’s think of it in terms of the analogy of washing dishes.

The only place we can wash our dirty dishes effectively is in the kitchen sink. We have dirty dishes all over the house. They can be by the TV from watching football last night, on the kitchen table from lunch today, and on the counter by the sink. We can know where all the dishes are, but until they get into the sink, we can’t wash them.

It doesn’t matter how those dishes get into the sink. It only matters that they get there. We can put them in the sink, or someone else can put them in the sink. Once they are in the sink we can start cleaning.

When we are doing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) we have to do the same thing. We need to get the thought, the physical pain, or the emotion into the “sink” before we can clean it. We can know intellectually what our issues are, but we can’t do anything about them until they are in the “sink”. Our “sink” is our thought field, meaning once we are feeling the emotion it is in our thought field.

Let’s suppose the following. I know my boss treated me badly at work today, but until I play the memory back as a movie in my head and really start to feel my rage, I haven’t moved this memory into my thought field (”sink”). Once I have done this, I can start doing EFT to get relief.

With that as background it brings us to the question of what words work best. The words that we say are not magic. They are only important in that they help us get what we want to work on into our thought field (get the dishes into the sink). Just like getting the dishes to the sink, it doesn’t matter how they get there. All that matters is that they get there.

Let’s say I want to improve up my self-esteem when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. In order to do any work in this area I need to bring the feeling of discomfort talking to a woman into my thought field. I have two options for doing this.

First, I could go right at the issue and tap like this:

“I am such a moron.
I can’t talk to women,
I always sound like a fool.
They think I am so stupid.
They wish I would leave them alone, because I’m wasting their time.”

This is a very simple direct approach to the problem.

Or I could take a second tack. I can instead take advantage of the little voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough. Please note what the voice in my head does.
“I am a funny guy.
[voice in head: No, you are not.]
I am a charming conversationalist and people love talking to me.
[VIH: No you’re not. You sound like a fool talking to others. You never know the right thing to say.]
I am going to walk up to someone new tonight and just start chatting.
[VIH: No, you are going to be a sweaty mess and chicken out.]”
[How to use these tapping phrases]

In this instance, I didn’t believe a single thing I said out loud, but the voice in my head brought up all the stuff that needed to be cleared.

Both approaches brought the dirty dishes to the sink. In the second case, by saying things I didn't believe the little voice in my head brought the emotions that needed to be cleaned up into the thought field.

For anther example of this approach, see I don't know what to say! (part 1)