This is very funny. We need to be able to laugh at ourselves.
3 Things You Need To Keep In Mind Before You Start An EFT Session
 photo by The Happy Rower |
Often, in advance of working with someone one-on-one, we will have short conversation to see if we will be a good fit to work together. (If you are interested in working with me one-on-one visit WorkWithGene.com.) Recently, during one of these consultations, I was asked this thoughtful question:
“I have never worked with a practitioner before, is there anything I should know or keep in mind as we start to do this work?”
I have a pre-session audio [link] which helps clients to prepare for the mechanics of the session, but I had never given much thought to what should be kept in mind to get the most out of tapping.
Here are the 3 things that I think will help you to be more efficient with your Emotional Freedom Technique(EFT)/tapping sessions.
Be Willing To Let Go Of Your Story
When I first work with a client on an issue I ask them to give me its history. This includes how the issue is impacting their life, what they have tried (tapping or otherwise) to deal with the issue, and how they think it started.
As they are telling their story one thing I always keep in mind is that most people (myself included) are notoriously bad at accurately reporting what is going in their lives. When a client is talking about their life I treat everything they say the same way eyewitness testimony is treated in a court of law.
Eyewitness testimony is helpful, and a great place to start an investigation. Eyewitness testimony is not a record of facts but an interpretation of what happened from one point of view.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t believe my client or that I think they are consciously trying to mislead me (or themselves). It is just a fact that we are biased when it comes to our perceptions of our own lives.
Many times when a client comes to me they have already been working on an issue for years. I have lots of thoughtful clients who have done a great deal of work on understanding how the issue they are addressing has come to be. Because of this they will often have a story of why they are the way they are.
- “When I was a child everyone thought my sister was amazing. Everything she did was perfect. She was good in school, she was popular, and she was a great athlete. I was always compared to her and I never matched up. The reason I have such low self-esteem is because I always feel like I am never going to match up to the people around me.”
There is an interesting phenomenon that happens when someone starts to tell the story of why they are the way the are when they have been telling that same story for a long time. It is like they have hit the play button in their head and the story they have told many times before starts. You can almost feel them not paying attention to the story any more because they have told it so often that they are on autopilot in the telling of it.
I want to be very clear that I am not criticizing this. I do the same thing. What I am pointing out is how it’s possible for us to become attached to a reasonable story for why we are the way we are.
This story can be a useful jumping off point, but just because it is reasonable does not mean that it is true. If we cling to our story as true, then that is the only avenue we will investigate in our tapping and we may never find the root cause and succeed in getting past this issue.
When we are tapping (with a practitioner or alone) we need to be willing to give up our story of why we are the way we are. This can be difficult because the story we have been telling is reasonable. Look at the example above. That is a perfectly logical reason why someone might struggle with self-esteem, but if we are married to that as the reason we may never move on.
One of the ways I like to deal with this is to tap to something like this:
I would like to heal this issue…I know my life will be better when I resolve this…I have spent a lot of time thinking about the issue…And why I have this issue…The reasons I have come up with are reasonable…And they very likely could be the reason why I am experiencing what I am experiencing…But I also know that I might be wrong…There could be a completely different reason for why I am the way I am…Even though I have invested a lot of time and energy into my story…I give myself permission to let my story go…I give myself permission to be open to other possibilities…In the end it doesn’t matter if I am right about why I am the way I am…What is most important is my healing.
If you take just a moment to tap to this idea before you start your session it will help you to see fresh ways of approaching your problem and open you up to new healing possibilities.
Don’t Need To Know Why In Order To Heal
One of the reasons that we come up with a story to why we are experiencing an issue is because it makes it understandable. When understand something it give us more control over the situation. When something is understandable then we are able to prevent it from happening again.
So the desire to understand why something happens is helpful, but at the same time it can be a hinderance to the healing process. If there is a part of us that needs to understand why something happens it can prevent us from healing.
The logic is this:
- I don’t like what is happening.
- I don’t want it to happen again.
- Therefore, I am going to put all my energy into understanding why.
If we find ourselves in this place it will be difficult to move forward. Clear this idea by tapping to this:
I have had this issue for a while…And I really don’t like how it feels…And I don’t want to experience this ever again…There is a part of me that wants to understand how this happened…If I knew how or why this happened then I could prevent it from happening again…As important as it is to understand why this happened…It is more important to heal and move beyond it…There will be times when I understand exactly what the root cause of an issue is…There will be other times when I will have no idea why this happened…As nice as it would be to understand why…It is much more important to heal…I give myself permission to heal this issue without ever knowing why or how it happened…It would nice to know that…but it is not necessary.
It Is A Process
It is easy to be seduced with stories of and personal experience with “one minute miracles.” I have seen people go from total scepticism about tapping, to frustration that tapping isn’t fixing everything in their lives in one session.
It is good to understand the power of tapping, but it is also important that we keep it in perspective. If it took a lifetime for an issue to take root, it also makes sense that will take time to unroot it.
Healing is a process and it is important we bear this in mind or we will miss the progress we are making (see “The 10% Solution”), get frustrated, and quit. To help keep this in mind I like to start (and end) sessions with tapping something like this:
I know that healing is a process…There is a part of me that would like this healing to happen right now…And it is good that I am motivated to have healing happen sooner rather than later…But it is a process…Each time I tap I will make progress…Each time I tap I will get closer to my goal…But I choose to be easy with myself…And be easy with the process…As it unfolds…Healing is happening…At a rate that will help ensure that the effects are lasting.
Conclusion
One of the fastest ways for us to give up on tapping is to experience ineffective tapping sessions. If you give yourself permission to surrender your own story, release the need to know why you are the way you are, and give up the need to heal right now, you will set yourself up for a useful and successful tapping session.
What stumbling blocks have you run into when tapping? I would love to hear about them in the comments below.
Pod #97: Dealing With Misperceptions That Can Hinder The Healing Process w/ Dr. Shoshana Garfield, PhD
One of the biggest struggles we have in doing any sort of transformational work is the fact that it is possible for us to NOT see the issue at hand clearly. We are shaped by our experience, our training, our biases, the stories we tell about ourselves, and what we hope is true. Because of this, even with the intention to do healing work, we can end up going down a path that is not fruitful.
The problem with these misperceptions is that it is nearly impossible know when this is the case and if we need to change course in our approach.
In this interview I talk with Dr. Shoshana Garfield about how to deal with misperceptions about our issues, ourselves, and the world. Based on her own life experiences and over 20 years of working with severe trauma, Shoshana talks about ways we can see ourselves and our world more clearly to help us to move forward. (We even do a little tapping for it!)
 Dr. Shoshana Garfield, PhD |
Guest: Dr. Shoshana Garfield, PhD
Contact Shoshana: web @ UnlimitedEmotionalFreedom.com; ShoshanaGarfield.com; twitter @TraumaReliefDoc
About Shoshana: Shoshana combines several threads in her work, deeply influenced by attachment theory and psychoanalytical insights and principles: PEP, EFT, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP; regarding the structure of thought). and Three Principles (regarding the nature of thought and relationship between circumstances/ thoughts/ feelings) to get spectacular results for herself and her clients. She has taught London Fire Brigade staff, NHS staff, drug rehab staff, CBT therapists and co-taught mental health practitioners with Dr Phil Mollon. She is on the International Training and Certification Board as the UK representative of AAMET (Association for the Advancement of Meridian Energy Techniques). She is also on the Register of Trauma Specialists and a member of TAG (Trauma and Abuse Group) and ACEP (Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology).
Is It OK To Say “Not” While Doing EFT?
In a number of your EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) scripts you use the words “not” and “does not” For example in your forgiveness tapping script, “When I choose to forgive John, what I'm choosing to do is to no longer be emotionally tied up in this past instance…More than likely, John doesn't give this transgression any thought at all…It doesn't do me any good to keep re-living this wound over and over again…” I have heard that the subconscious mind ignores the word “not” and every time we say we don't want something we are really telling the subconscious we want it. Do you think this is true and how should it impact our tapping?
 photo by Nathan Gibbs |
It is really interesting that when we hear something said over and over again from a source that we deem credible, we take it as the truth. It would be too time consuming to question everything that we hear throughout the day, but a healthy sense of questioning is important, especially when what is said is contrary to our own experience.
Here are my thoughts on the matter.
1) How Is It Working For You?
Before I share my thoughts on what I think about what should be said with tapping we need to keep in mind the most important question when it comes to all types of tapping:
“How is it working for you?”
The nice thing about tapping is that it only takes a few moments to try something new. Assuming you are taking total responsibility for your health and your actions, give it a try.
This goes for the phrases you use, the places you tap, how long you tap on each point, and the order in which you tap on the points. If it works for you, keep doing it. If it doesn't, try something new.
2) We Aren't Tapping Anything In
EFT isn't about tapping the good things in and tapping the bad things out. EFT is about bringing the system back to balance. The words we use aren't magic and there are no right or wrong words. There are only useful and un-useful tapping phrases.
The tapping phrases we use are different from a daily affirmation or mantra. It is possible (and encouraged) to tap to these if you have found ones that are powerful and meaningful to you. It is important to remember that EFT is a very different process than changing your beliefs through exposure to new ideas in a cognitive way.
The goal of a tapping phrase is to help us to tune into the emotion around an issue and to get us in touch with the pain, misinformation, or limiting belief. It really doesn't matter what those words are.
If saying, “I will never be a success” helps you to tune into the hopelessness you are feeling, then that is a perfect tapping phrase. You might want to add, “and I give myself permission to believe it will not always be this way” to expand the tapping experience.
With EFT finding a way to the emotion is more important than the words we choose to say while tapping.
3) Needing To Know What We Don't Want
When we are in pain the thing we think most about is the pain. Because we are in pain it is hard to see past it so we often have to start with what we don't want to be able to name what we do want.
For someone who wants to release weight they often need to tune into all the things they don't like and are painful about carrying extra weight (physical pain, poor health, low self esteem, and/or shame of losing control) before they can name the things they do want.
All they can think of is what is wrong.
But we can build on these NOT statements.
- I do not want to be overweight, but instead I want to have a healthy body.
- I do not want to be ashamed of the way I look, but instead I want to be comfortable in my own body.
- I do not want people to see me as someone who has lost control of simple daily choices, but instead I want to be a model of self control for my children so they learn to feel empowered in their own lives.
The second half of these statements are powerful things to tap on, but I have found that tapping both the negative and positive can also be very powerful.
4) Is It Really True?
The most common place to hear people talk about “the subconscious mind ignoring the word not” is from the law of attraction community. Their thinking is not so much that the subconscious ignores the word “not,” but more the idea that when I think of the things I don't want then I am giving them energy, which will in turn bring more of them into my life.
In the last few years scientists and social scientists have used a rigorous, repeatable methodology to test how visualizing the things we want relate to us getting what we want. The findings point to the fact that simply focusing on what we want is a demotivating factor and the more time we spend emotionally experiencing what we want in our minds, the less likely we are to take action.
Visualization is most powerful is when we tune into what we don't want AND see ourselves solving the problems around it to achieve to what we do want.
[For full details on this research please see “The Great Visualization Hoax”)
If this were the case statements like, “I don't want to be late” and “I don't want to be in a car accident” would compel us to make choices to make us late and involved in accidents. Further studies have shown that by thinking about what we don't want and creating a plan (like a fire escape route) we are much more likely to not get swept up in emotion, but instead make good choices that lead us to safety.
I will admit that I only did a cursory search, but I was not able to find any evidence supporting the claim that the subconscious ignores the word “not.” I was only able to find many sources stating it as fact.
As always, I am trying to learn more and would love to hear your thoughts. Please let me know in the comment section below if your experience is different, and if you can point me to any studies or research which give this idea credence.
This Is Just Like My Mother/Father
 photo by sean dreilinger |
I've noticed a pattern in my life that is just like my parents and I can't seem to tap it away. Is there something special I need to do when dealing with issues that I have picked up from my parents?
It makes perfect sense that we pick up the patterns, traits, and beliefs from our parents. They are the ones who cared for us and taught us during our most formative years. Not all of these patterns and beliefs are helpful. Tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is great for dealing with issues, but I have found in my work with clients it can be particularly hard to deal with beliefs that have been passed on to us by people we love and respect.
It is possible for us to feel that when we are letting go of these beliefs we are also dismissing, letting go, or disrespecting the people who gave us them to us.
The subconscious can think:
- If I let go of this I am saying I don't love my mother
- If I let go of this I am saying that I am letting go of my father
- If I let go of this I am saying that my mother was wrong
- If I let go of this I am saying that my father is not worth anything to me
When we believe any of these things it makes it difficult for us to release those beliefs that are no longer serving us, and to heal and move forward. In order to heal we need to recognize that it is possible to let go of the beliefs held by people who are very important to us, without dismissing or diminishing our relationship with them.
In this example we will assume that we’re working on a money issue passed on to us by our father. Tapping might look like this:
I know that I am approaching money just like my father…and I know that this approach is not serving me…but there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go this belief…there is a part of me that believes that if I let this belief go then I am also letting go my father…I am saying that my father was wrong…I am saying that I don't love my father…I am saying that I am not grateful for what my father has done for me…but I know this isn’t true…I can let go of beliefs that my father had without letting go of my father…I can know that I love my father and that my father loves but and not hold everything he said or did as true…my father was imperfect…and it is OK to say that he was and is imperfect…and there are many beliefs that served him in a time and place that don't serve me…parents want what is best for us…and they might think that one way is right…but even when they want things for us that aren't perfect for us…they do this because they want what is best for us…I can do what is best for me and still love my father…I can do what is best for me and still appreciate everything my father has done for me…I can do what is best for me and keep the relationship strong…letting go of something my father has given me is not the same as letting go of him