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Pod #238: EFT for Postpartum Depression w/ Manal Khalife

September 14, 2016 by Gene Monterastelli

The emotional journey that mothers go through during the birth of their children is increasingly better understood. Birth is not only a physically taxing process, but it also takes a significant emotional toll.

Because there is now a tiny little human that needs so much attention, it is very common for mothers to neglect their self-care. In many cases mothers even feel guilty for having any needs at all.

This week I have a conversation with Manal Khalife about postpartum depression and how we can tap in response to it. Even if you are not a mother, you will find this conversation helpful as a guide to supporting those who are going through it.

Manal Khalife

Guest: Manal Khalife

Contact: Web @ ManalKhalife.com; twiter @ iammanalk; facebook @ iammanalk;

About: Manal Khalife is a Stress and Emotions Coach, helping women who want to learn how to handle stress, let go of emotional pain, make peace with past experiences, and move forward with confidence. She specializes in working with postpartum depression.

What To Do When The SUD Scale Doesn’t Work For You

September 12, 2016 by Gene Monterastelli

In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #3. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Question: For people who don’t like numbers and tend to measure intensity in very subjective terms, how do you guide them to more meaningful/useful measurements?
Meg, Maryland

When he came up with EFT Gary Craig used the measurement called a SUDs level, which stands for “subjective unit of distress”. What is really interesting in this question is it feels as if when we’re using numbers we’re giving something that’s concrete because it’s measurable and it’s a number. But the truth of the matter is that even when we are putting a number on something, it’s still subjective.

From the very beginning recognize the fact that it’s not about getting something to a three from a seven and bringing it down, it’s more about creating progress and way of measuring that progress.

Often times when work with children for whom assigning a numerical value to something is meaningless because they don’t have a conceptual sense of numeracy, other than knowing their age just because they’ve been told it. So instead will have kids use hand gestures, kind of like they’re showing me the size of the fish.

How big is your anger right now? Or, how big is the nervousness in your stomach? Show me with your hands how big it is. And they really like that.

Again, it’s subjective and it’s giving us this measurement. The thing that’s most important about using any sort of measurement is to give us feedback about the tapping we’re doing to see if we’re heading in the right direction.

There are three types of responses that we can have to tapping.

The first type of response is we feel better. I’m thinking about an issue. I’m thinking about a worry. I am not as worried and the number goes down. Or my anger goes down from a seven to a four. There’s less anger and the intensity of that emotion decreases from a seven to a four.

The second type of response is there’s absolutely no change at all. We do a round of tapping, it’s still in the exact same spot.

The third type of response that we can have is it can actually get worse, or it feels like it is getting worse. For example the first time I tuned into this pain in my knee it was a seven but now that I’ve tapped on a couple of rounds, it’s now a nine.

Let’s take those three responses and just see what they mean.

The first response, it gets better. Well, that’s what’s happening, it’s getting better and that means we’re on the right path. Once it has gotten better we now ask ourselves the question, do I have enough relief or do I want more relief to what is going on? Because sometimes the goal isn’t to get the issue to a zero.

For example, when I’m at a holiday party and I see the sweets over there and I’m really craving sweets, I don’t have to eliminate the craving. I simply have to reduce the craving enough so that I am not tempted to eat the treat that I don’t want to eat, and instead I make a good sensible eating choice based on what I consciously want to do in that moment. I just want better, I don’t necessarily need it to go away. We evaluate, has it gotten better? Has it gotten better enough that I can make a good choice? If not then we tap again to clear as much as we need to.

The second response is it stays exactly the same. If it stays exactly the same, that means is we’re either not tapping on the right issue, there is a reversal of some sort, or we need to get more specific. If this is the case we need to change our tactic so we can approach it in a different way. When we change our tactic and approach it in a different way, we put ourselves in a position where we can be more successful.

The third response is it gets worse, the pain actually intensifies, the anger intensifies, the craving intensifies, and as odd as it seems, that’s actually a really good thing. Not that it’s more painful, not that it’s more intense, but it’s a really good thing because it means that we’re on the right path. Think of it this way. Your knee aches, you have had a knee problem for years and years. As you move through the day you don’t notice it but when you get home from work, you sit down on the couch, take off your shoes, lean back, and then all of a sudden your knee starts to throb.

The sitting on the couch did not cause your knee to hurt more but instead because you’ve been dealing with the business of the day you’ve been thinking about all the things that are in front of you, and so you tune out the pain in your knee in the exact same way you’re tuning out the pressure your socks are putting on your feet right now. The instant I said “socks on your feet” you felt your feet. Even if you weren’t wearing socks you feel your feet touching the floor. You brought attention to it. Your socks didn’t magically cling to your feet in that moment, you just gave them your attention.

There are times when we’re tapping when the intensity goes up because we’re just focusing on the issue that was already there and we’re shedding light on it so it feels bigger. In this process of tapping we’re just looking for feedback. I do a round of tapping I ask is it something that I think is better, is it worse, is it staying the same? That will dictate what my next step is. Either I’m done, or I need to tap more, or I need to approach it in a new way.

When I’m dealing with a client who is really struggling with assigning numbers to the questions like “how big is it?” they might say, “I have no idea how to judge how big grief is, it’s just overwhelming”. We do some rounds of tapping, after we’re done I say, “I want you to imagine what grief felt like when it was overwhelming, what’s it like now? Is it still overwhelming or is it something else?”

You’ll notice in the question I’m not asking, is it more, is it less, I’m just asking if it’s different. If it’s different I will focus in on that difference, “It’s different how? Tell me how it’s different?” If there’s still something that’s hanging around we’re just going to tap on the new thing as if it’s the only issue in the world and it’s the first thing we’ve been presented.

We simply know we’re heading in the right direction because it’s changed in some capacity.

We create this graph to show exactly how much smaller the problem is. We’re simply saying, okay, compared to what it was before, how is it now? Are you satisfied with that or do you still want change? I have found if you approach it in that way it will put you in a circumstance that will allow you to be more successful in communicating the transformational process because sometimes transformation isn’t as easy as “If it was a seven and it’s now a five”.

Pod #237: EFT For When We Don’t Want To Be Noticed

September 7, 2016 by Gene Monterastelli

There are times in our lives where we feel out of place in the world.

We feel we don’t belong because we don’t believe we are smart enough, popular enough, attractive enough, or something else enough.

When this happens to me there is a small part inside my mind that wishes the earth would just open up and swallow me whole, so I don’t have to be seen.

Here is a tap-along for such moments, with the tapping script written out below.

I recognize the fact that there are times where I feel like I don’t belong in any meaningful way…I feel like I’m not smart enough…That I’m not good enough…That I’m not talented enough…That I’m just not enough…And when this happens I simply want to disappear…When this happens I don’t want to be known anywhere…When this happens I wish I didn’t have to be there at all…I feel insignificant…I feel scared…I feel like I’m only causing problems…I feel like I’m a burden…I recognize the fact that when I’m in a situation like this I’m not actually standing out…I’m not actually being noticed…Almost everybody present is too busy thinking about themselves anyway…Is too busy thinking about what is in front of them to even notice me…What is much more important is the fact that I am worthy of being there…That I do belong…That I actually do have something to contribute…The part of me that is scared remembers those times where I didn’t fit in…Where I didn’t belong…Or at least that’s how I felt…And when we feel like we don’t belong…We notice what we think is proof around us…That shows we don’t belong…But there isn’t actual proof…We are just drawing a conclusion that is far from the truth…I give myself permission to know that I am no different than anyone else I am around…I am worthy of being here…I belong here…I give myself permission to trust myself…To trust that I can stand tall…To know that I am worthy because I was made worthy…My worth is something that is intrinsic…It is something that is a part of who I am…Even though there is a very young part of me that doesn’t believe it to be so…This part is trying to keep me safe from all of the danger it sees in the world…I give myself permission to trust myself and to trust what is going on…Knowing that I can be seen…Knowing that I can be present…Knowing that I’m capable of doing this…I give myself permission to trust the process and to trust myself…Because there’s a part of me that knows I belong…There’s a part of me that knows that I am worthy…And there’s a part of me that knows I have nothing to prove.

How To Tap For Your Loved Ones

September 5, 2016 by Gene Monterastelli

In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #2. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Question: How can we use tapping as a remedy for others who lack confidence and suffer from various unwanted habits and physical problems?
Kesavannamboothiri, India

This question sounds like it’s about how to tap surrogately for someone else.

If you’re not familiar with the term surrogate tap, that’s basically when I am tapping on myself as a surrogate in place of you. Often people will teach that we are all connected and we can heal each other. If I just tap on myself, it will have a healing effect on you. I don’t know if that’s necessarily the case. There isn’t any specific scientific evidence that says that is possible. The study of quantum physics and the quantum mechanical principle of entrainment lead us to believe that this is something that is possible and as time passes we’re discovering more and more about this. There are some interesting studies that see this as a possibility, but they’re anything but conclusive.

With that being said, this is the way that I approach it.

The only thing that I truly have control over are the choices I make and my emotional responses. Sometimes I don’t even have control over those. But in the best of all possible worlds, when I am in a resource-rich state and I’m doing the best that I can, that is what I can control.

I can’t control you. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control choices that other people make. I can’t control the dog down the street.

I can control myself and I can control my response.

When I try to positively impact someone around me I’m not actually going to change them because I can’t do that. Instead, what I’m going to do is I’m going to change the way that I show up for them. Because if I show up in a different way, then I will give them the opportunity to make a different choice.

Here is an example to illustrate the way we show up differently and how it impacts the people around us. I travel a lot. Travel problems are inevitable. When that happens there’s this long line of people who are standing up to talk to the gate agent to make changes to their ticket because things have gone wrong.

In that moment people are frustrated because they’re out of control, they’re depending upon someone else, and typically people don’t get on planes unless it’s for something important. If I’m now delayed I’m missing that important thing, or if I’m now delayed I’m missing getting home when I need to get home or when I expect to get home and it’s causing me trouble.

It makes perfect sense that people will be disoriented and emotional in those moments. I observe people going up to talk to the gate agent after I’ve been helped. As each person approaches the counter you can see the gate agent immediately respond to the person who is in front of them based on how they emotionally show up.

If the person steps up to the counter really, really frustrated, immediately they go into defensive mode. And if the person shows up with the attitude of “This really sucks. I know this isn’t your fault. Can you please help me?” even before they say those words, you can see the gate agent actually relax a little bit because they know they’re not fighting with the person in front of them because the person they’re talking to understands what’s going on.

The way the person approaches the counter and the emotion that they are carrying gives the gate agent permission to act in a different way. The kinder they are, the more space there will be for them.

That is the way I approach tapping for others. First is how I show up emotionally. If I show up calmly and I’m not angry, or I’m not anxious, or I’m not worried, it immediately creates space for you to make better choices. The second thing is if I show up in a way in which I’m not overreacting to the way you are acting, then we’re never going to be in the circumstance where anything gets escalated, and my presence and my response makes what you’re doing worse.

Not that I’m taking responsibility for your choices but it’s possible for me to show up in ways where it makes it easier for you to be agitated because of the way I respond to what you do. My goal whenever I want to ‘tap for someone else’ is just to get myself as emotionally clear as I possibly can when I come to the situation.

The way that I do this is through a technique that I call Talk About, Talk To, and Talk As If. There’s a comprehensive explanation of this in Bonus Podcast #22. In that podcast I have a much longer explanation of this process, but I’ll give you a short explanation now so you can use it right away.

It happens in three steps:

Talk about
Talk to
Talk as if

I use this protocol when I’m trying to get myself clear and I use it for an individual. I’m not doing it for people in general but for one person.

I tap the entire time through all three phases, tap, tap, tap. Just let your fingers do the walking. In the talk about phase, I’m going to imagine that I am sitting down with a friend and I’m catching up, and I’m just talking about what is going on for the person whose life ‘I’m tapping for’. I’m going to give them all the details and tell them how I feel. He is doing this and I feel that. She is not doing this and I feel that. I say this, they say that, I feel this. Just talking about what’s going on and then talking about how I feel. The more detail you can go into, the better. The more emotion you can tune into, the better. Again, just talk about it and tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Part two is talk to. In the talk to phase I’m going to be pretending. I don’t have the person around me, they’re not sitting across from me, but I’m going to imagine that I’m going to talk to this person whose I want life to be better. As I do this I share with them everything I want them to hear. And some of those things will be super-positive, “I love you…I want what’s best for you…I want you to heal”. Some of those things might be super-negative, “I hate the fact that you do this and it hurts my life…I hate the fact that you’re acting so selfishly that we have to pick up the pieces for you”. It can be instructive, “I really wish you would pick this up…I really wish you would try this…I really wish you would listen to your mother”. Whatever that is.

As we do this, we imagine everything we say we’re saying directly into their heart and mind, and it is being heard with the intention that we are saying it. In real life we know that’s not the case. I can say something and you can misconstrue it. I can say something and you can bring your biases to it. By doing it in this way I am ensuring I am putting myself in a position where I can just speak freely. I’m going to imagine you’re hearing it, again, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

The third part is talk as if, and in this phase we’re going to guess. We’re not going to know for certain but we’re going to guess we know why the person subconsciously is making the choices that are making. Not consciously but subconsciously. Let’s pretend that we’re really concerned about a drinking problem that a loved one has. Talking as if would be, “I have a feeling that you are drinking every single day after work because you feel really desperate and you feel hopeless, and you don’t want to stay in your apartment alone and drinking a lot numbs the pain”.

When I say that I’m not saying it’s a good choice. I’m not saying it’s a valid way to act. It’s not saying that you don’t have to take responsibility for the bad outcome of that. I’m simply explaining from a subconscious level why they act the way that they do.

Or it could be, I have a feeling that the reason you overreact at work all the time is because in your last job you weren’t taken seriously, so every time you speak up you’re still fighting to be taken seriously. That’s the reason why you’re so combative. I don’t know if that’s the case but I’m guessing. What we do is we take this part and we tune into the person and we do all three steps.

We talk about, we talk to, we talk as if. I found when we do this we show up in a very different way, which makes the relationship better, and we create space, which allows them to make healthier choices. Doesn’t mean that they’re always going to, doesn’t mean they have to change, but we’re creating the space and the opportunity for that to happen.

Transformation As A Process, Not A Single Giant Step

August 31, 2016 by Gene Monterastelli

In Podcast #236 I answered four listener questions. Below you will find the audio of all four questions and the transcript for question #1. Please bear in mind that I speak in a slightly more informal fashion than I write, which you will notice in the transcript below. The transcript has been edited slightly for clarity. If you have a question you would like answered in a future podcast please let me know.

Question: When you’re doing your tap-along audios you say the words “in big and small” ways a lot. I never really connected with these phrases. Could you expand on why you use those phrases?
– Melissa, Texas

There’s a specific reason why I use those phrases. Our subconscious mind is very good at making the things we experience in the world into all or nothing propositions. The reason it does this is because every single time we have to think a new thought, it costs us energy.

Thinking is one of the most energy intensive things that we do in our bodies. That’s the reason why if you ever go to a training course and you’re learning new things all day, at the end of the day you just feel like you’ve been flattened and wiped out energetically, even though the only thing you’ve done is just sat there and listened and taken notes. Because you’re thinking so hard it is very energy intensive.

As we navigate our day, the reason we have habits is so we don’t have to think. A number of studies have been done where they have taken nodes and stuck them right into the middle of the brains of rats as they are learning a maze and making the maze a habit. Once it becomes a habit, it takes very little energy for them to navigate the maze because they’re simply responding to the habit they have developed.

Where that shows up in the rest of our life is it makes things into all or nothing propositions because we don’t have to think. If everything is good or everything is bad about something, then there’s no nuance, there’s no subtlety. The instant we bring subtlety into play, it’s a bad idea…except in this situation…because of these extenuating circumstances…it’s actually a good idea. That takes a lot of capacity.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s what I think we should be doing. I think we should be thoughtful as we navigate this. When we’re talking about transformation and we’re tapping on the phrase “I allow myself to change this in big and small ways”, what I’m doing for myself – and this might not resonate with you and might not work with you – is I’m communicating with myself that this transformation doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition.

Often really small changes add up into amazing things in my life…when a small change is multiplied by every moment of my day, or every moment of my week, or every moment of my life. When I use that phrase “in big and small ways” I’m encouraging my system to remember that is how transformation can happen and it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition. And I found for myself it allows change to happen more quickly because it’s opening my system to incremental change and not making the transformation all at once.