[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our minds, giving us an opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series here: Tools:Words]
Note: This article was originally published November 20, 2011 and has been updated.
I was recently working with a client who has Lyme disease. At one point in the session he said, “I created this situation.”
This statement really struck me. I asked myself, “Did he really create the situation?” and more importantly, “Is it helpful to worry about how a situation was created?”
Sometimes it is obvious when we create a situation, such as choosing to accept a job offer. At other times our lack of action creates a situation, like having your power turned off for failing to pay an electric bill.
But just because something is happening in my life does not mean that I have created it. I think this is one of the areas in which Law of Attraction teaching only goes so far. To assume I am creating everything in my life would mean that my intention is more powerful than the free will of the people around me.
For example, if I am sitting in my living room and a baseball smashes through my front window, it wasn’t because I created that situation.
Even if you are willing to argue that I did somehow create the situation of the baseball shattering the window, in the short term it doesn’t matter how or why it happened. What matters is what comes next as the window will not fix itself. It is up to me to take responsibility for the broken window, clear up the glass so that nobody gets hurt, and have the window fixed to keep the elements out.
One of the pitfalls of looking at the world through the eyes of “how we created” a situation is it can impede the healing process. It’s often helpful to reflect on why something happened so it won’t happen again. At the same time, if we are only trying to figure out how it was created or how we created it, we will get stuck.
In our example, if I am only worried about how and why the baseball came through my window, my living room will remain covered with broken glass.
For me, it is much better first to respond to what I am responsible for in a situation without allowing myself to get entangled in the emotional trap of wondering why or how I got there.
In the example of my client with Lyme disease, worrying about the specifics of how he got it will not be helpful. More than likely he will never again be in a situation where he is exposed to the disease. Instead he can move forward by recognizing what he is responsible for. He is responsible for how he feels physically right now, for taking his medication, following his doctor’s advice, and understanding the lifestyle choices and environments that cause a flare up of the symptoms.
By focusing on what we are responsible for we are able to leave behind the emotions of what was and move to the energy of working with what is.
That is why I think it is so important that we understand the difference between creating and being responsible for something in our lives. First, I respond to what I am responsible for. This is what is in front of me and what I am going to do next. Once that is done there will be the opportunity to ask questions about how something was created. It might be the consequence of a choice I made, the choices of others, or a situation that will never happen again.
Doing our investigation in this order allows us to take care of the healing in the most efficient order and prevents us from taking more responsibility than is warranted.
Click here to read what others have to say. I would really love to hear what you think!
Gene, I’m a great fan of your work and your words. I recently called a friend who just broke her leg. She told me she was determined to figure out her role in attracting the accident. Even though I study the Law of Attraction and do what I can to stay positive, so I’ll attract positive, I’m not sure we can possibly be “figure out” all the factors that cause most of the events in our lives.
You said, “When I look at what I am responsible for I can leave the emotional trap of wondering why or how I got here.”
I agree.
What a great way to look at what we Create vs Responsibility. Even if we created it (and how many variables would we have to come up with to prove we figured out this question?) – that is already the past. Staying in the present and dealing with what needs dealt with now keeps us too busy to be gathering moss and getting bogged down and depressed. Great article.
That was a great article! It makes me feel lessresponsible! I just determined yesterday for myself, not to over analyze every situation! My life is more peaceful that way! Good counsel! Thank you!
What a great way to look at what we Create vs Responsibility. Even if we created it (and how many variables would we have to come up with to prove we figured out this question?) – that is already the past. Staying in the present and dealing with what needs dealt with now keeps us too busy to be gathering moss and getting bogged down and depressed. Great article.
Great post (as usual :).
Sometimes, when I hear someone say “I created X, Y or Z” I suspect they are really saying “I am to blame for X, Y or Z”. Thinking that you are to blame for any particular circumstance is not very helpful. Whatever level of responsibility you have for creating this situation trying to figure out how you got there and who is to blame is a waste of time (unless you have a time machine and can re-write the past).
In the Buddhist tradition there is a teaching story of a man who is shot with a poison arrow in battle. The doctor arrives intending to take out the arrow before the poison can spread and kill him. The doctor is just about to pull out the arrow when the man stops him and asks:
“What wood is this arrow made of?”
The doctor tells him “What!? I have got to get this arrow out of you before you die.”
The man replies: “Not until I know more about this arrow and the man who shot me.”
“What kind of feathers are at the end of this arrow?”
“What bird did they come from?”
“What kind of poison is on the arrow tip?”
“Who made the arrow?”
“Which blacksmith made the point?”
“How tall was the man who shot the arrow?”
“Who are his family?”
“What caste does he belong to?”
Not surprisingly, the man doesn’t make it.
The moral I take from this story is that you would be well advised to focus on what you can change. Thanks again for a very thought provoking post
Gene,
Appreciated this post on a provocative topic (in this developing age of “how we create our own reality”), as it’s been a topic sometimes glossed over or simplified (in my opinion). LOVED the Buddhist story Andy contributed, very funny and very telling to the topic. The whole self creation/responsibility of all experiences in our lives can be taken to such extremes that we would never be caught in a traffic jam, or get a sliver in our finger, never get a cold, in essence never have any form of pain, or disrruption, or “unexpected” disturbance occur in our lives. In other words we would have ultimate control. And that’s another topic possibly worth investigating. I’ve heard a definition of responsibility that I’ve always appreciated – “The response I have to my ability” which seems to guide us back to the present moment and our choices of how we can and want to be in relationship to it and ourselves.
You’ve written an excellent article and the responses to it are also enlightening. I have been guilty of the over analysis, and it kept me from moving forward. I like the definition of responsibility. I will keep that in mind as it seems to be what I needed to learn today. Thanks!
Terrific article, healthy perspective. Agree with the impossibility of ever finding all the variables; also leaves out entirely a G-d who is ultimately in control of what happens to us/for us; while we are given free choice, our free choice is inherently limited, based on what information or circumstances cross our paths, when, and how. I have just spent a month seeing this in stunning clarity during the harrowing end of life journey of a grandmother who was healthier than most people half her age one moment and a few months later had died from starvation caused by undiagnosed ovarian cancer (it was happened upon by accident 8 days before she passed). Looking back it is mind-boggling how the twists and turns were so clearly orchestrated from Above – our choice was limited to how to respond to those twists and turns. And it is those responses that reveal ourselves to ourselves. We may never understand the “why’s,” but we don’t have to.
Thanks again, Gene.
Gene,
Thank you for the great work you do.
This is an interesting topic.
I practice EFT and TEC and find that some people are determined to know the why’s and origins of their issues. It is more important to them than releasing the issue which keeps them stuck. I coax them to accept that they and everyone else involved was doing the best they could at the time with their resources and to forgive themselves and everyone else involved and then move on to addressing the current situation. This is usually gets people unstuck quite painlessly.
There are some cases where we need to address the safety issue of releasing the need to know so that it can be avoided in the future. I then tap with them about this fear and then introduce the concept that releasing the trauma, pain or fear will not make them more susceptible to repeating the cause or impede their discovery of the cause but often facilitates the uncovering of the cause if it is indeed helpful for them to know.
Reminding my clients that what they focus on is what they continue to manifest in their lives and encouraging them to chose what they would rather manifest and then tapping on releasing the negative focus and reprogramming the subconscious mind with the positive would be the next step.
Thanks, Gene.
Many years ago A very wise man told me that the best way to grow and heal was to take full responsibility for what had happened to me. He went on to explain that I was NOT responsible for the abuse I had suffered as a child, etc., , but I was responsible for cleaning up the mess and that the GIFT of taking on that responsibility was freedom. I would no longer be a VICTIM. He also assured me that I had made the best decisions possible about how to react to / deal with those situations that I was aware of AT THAT TIME and that NOW I had new options available on how to react to / deal with those things that had happened in my past.
In my 20 plus years working with the most damaged of our brothers and sisters fighting addictions, I have learned the absolute truth of that wise man’s statements and have gained an ever increasing awareness that the things that happened in our lives before the age of 10 to 12 are the foundation upon which we build our lives. any continuing problems we face require that we take the responsibility to “change the writing on our walls”! When I do that, my life gets better!.. Please remember that we ALL did the best we could with the choices we BELIEVED we had at the time we made the choice. Or as that wise man said ” the secret to spiritual enlightenment is LIGHTEN UP!! :)
With love and gratitude,
B.
It occurs to me that we are judging the outcome, the circumstances of our lives, blaming ourselves for creating the problem, but not seeing the flip side of that which is our power. For me, the blame is another form of resistance, that gets in the way of me embracing my own power. We are so powerful. If we are so powerful that we have created this problem, that means we are also powerful enough to change it. We can have a different outcome if we choose.
Love this!!! Thanks so much for such an inspiring option to consider!
Maddy
Gene I thought this was truly helpful in getting us into THIS moment of time .
Its so easy to get hung up in the past . Its so important to be here now so that we can intuit and act on what is best for us, right now .
thank you.
Someone close to me is fighting a serious drug addiction and they often spend energy blaming all the people who created the wounds that made them need to used heavy drugs. This advice about moving on to the solution could turn out to be of significant benefit in this situation – I’ll recommend it and hope it “falls on fertile ground.”
Loved this post, Gene! Reading this reminded me of something I heard Carolyn Myss say in one of her audio books. She asked the question as to what makes us think we are so special that we won’t have some obstacles, illnesses, and/or tragedies in our lives, even though everyone else in the whole wide world does! LOL ;) That really jumped out at me. Hope it helps someone but, most importantly, it REALLY helped me – just like this post of yours! :))
This is so true. I am currently doing a 30 day workshop done by Christy Whitman on the power of changing your words. What we think and say affects how we act. Looking for solutions rather than problems can make a big difference in life.