Tapping Q & A with Gene Monterastelli - Get the most out of tapping and EFT

“…and I choose this for my reality!”

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[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools: Words]

One of the common mistakes we make when assessing a situation is making a generalizations. We say things like, “Everyone at work hates me!” or “Nothing I do is good enough for my boss!” It is obvious with a few moments of reflection that these statements aren't true. Sure, there might be one or two people at work we don't get along with, but it is not “everyone”.

The problem with these types of generalizations is they move us to a place were we are responding to them as if they were true. (The words we say out loud have that much power.)

If I walk into my workplace believing that everyone hates me I am going to act in a particular way. If I walk into my workplace believing that I don't get along with Bill and Mary. I am going to act in a different way.

In the first situation I am going to come in ready for a fight at every turn while in the second situation I am going to know the two people I need to avoid through out the day if it is possible. Those are two dramatically different emotional states.

In addition to the generalization that we can have about what others think and feel we can also fall into the trap of generalization about ourselves. For example we can have generalization about our own actions and outcomes, “I fail at everything I try!”

One of the most troublesome of these generalizations about ourselves we can have is when we assign a characteristic of a group to ourselves. These types of generalizing can be about (but not limited to) our gender, race/ethnicity, age, job, and family. For example:

  • You know that men aren't very good with talking about their emotions.
  • You know how fiery the Irish can be.
  • People my age can't learn all this new technology.
  • EFT practitioners are just bad at marketing themselves.
  • The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships.

These types of generalization (like all generalization) often have a seed of truth in them. They become problematic when they are taken as total truth.

If I believe that, “The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships” then it is going to be very easy for me on a subconscious level to sabotage myself. Because I “know” it isn't going to work out in the end I might as well end it now to avoid future pain.

It is amazing how a simple statement that we would just toss off as a fact the same way we would say “It is sunny today” can so dramatically affect our behavior.

I have found a very simple way that we can take the power out of these phrases. We can do this by bring our own responsibility to these statements. All we need to do is add, “…and I choose this as my reality” to the end of the phrase. When we do this we are changing from a member of a group with a characteristic (which we are a victim of) to being a person who is choosing our own reality.

Notice how much different each of these phrase feel when we add that phrase on to the end:

  • You know that men aren't very good with talking about their emotions and I choose this as my reality.
  • You know how fiery the Irish can be and I choose this as my reality.
  • People my age can't learn all this new technology and I choose this as my reality.
  • EFT practitioners are just bad at marketing themselves and I choose this as my reality.
  • The men in my family have never been lucky in relationships and I choose this as my reality.

When we choose something it means that we can change it. I am not longer at the mercy of the whims of fate, but I am back in control. If I want to keep that as my reality, great(!), but it is my choice. If I want to be something else I can choose that as well. When we take responsibility for our situation then we control our situation. When we control our situation we can become who we want to be.

Creativity Boosting Techniques That Accelerate Tapping Success (AKA: How To Keeping Tapping When It Gets Boring Or Stale) Part 2 of 4

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[This article is part of a four part series on how to get create with tapping when you are stuck or bored with tapping. A new part willed be added every few weeks. See the parts that have been published so far and check back regularly to see the full series.]

photo by Ali Edwards

Mechanically tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very easy thing to do. All you need is to provide stimulus to the tapping points plus tuning into the issue at hand. The tapping part is easy; what can be hard is the tuning in part. Often we are so close to an issue or we have been working on an issue that it is difficult to see it clearly.

Recently Jeremy Dean's PSYBlog had a very interesting two part series (via kottke.org) which explored 14 of ways we can become more creative and more efficient problem solvers. In this four part series I am going to explore how we can apply many of these insights to tune into our issues in new ways (plus a few of my own).

Obviously not all of these are going to work for every issue, but by having a complete menu to choose from you are going to find new ways to approach the issue.

Path Of Most Resistance (via part 1)

When people try to be creative they usually take the path of least resistance by building on existing ideas (Ward, 1994). This isn't a problem, as long as you don't mind variations on a theme.

If you want something more novel, however, it can be limiting to scaffold your own attempts on what already exists. The path of most resistance can lead to more creative solutions.

◊ For insight: because it's the path of least resistance, every man and his dog is going up and down it. Try off-road.

How to apply to tapping: One of the reasons I love EFT/tapping is because we can gently creep up on an issue. We don't have to throw ourselves right in the middle of the emotion to do work. Sometimes we can prevent our own progress because we are proceeding so cautiously that we aren't making any progress at all.

If this is case you might consider going all the way and really getting after an issue. There are some obvious risks to taking this approach. If we dive in headfirst we get into an emotional state that is overwhelming which prevents any progress at all or we could open an emotional issue that we then carry with us for a great deal of time after our tapping time.

I would only recommend this type of approach with a skilled practitioner. Being a skilled practitioner is more than just being able to lead clients to healing, but also being able to recognize possible pit falls helping you to prevent them or to pull you back when you have become consumed with your emotions.

Re-Conceptualisation (via part 1)

People often jump to answers too quickly before they've really thought about the question. Research suggests that spending time re-conceptualising the problem is beneficial.

Mumford et al. (1994) found that experimental participants produced higher quality ideas when forced to re-conceive the problem in different ways before trying to solve it. Similarly a classic study of artists found that those focused on discovery at the problem-formulation stage produced better art (Csikszentmihalyi & Getzels, 1971).

◊ For insight: forget the solution for now, concentrate on the problem. Are you asking the right question?

How to apply to tapping: We become very comfortable with our own story. When someone asks about the work we do we can effortlessly jump in to a quick description of our work. The same is true with our family, our significant other, where we grow up and the like.

It is no different with the issues of our lives, especially for the ones that have been present for many years. There a times in client session where I can hear my client hit the play button to start to tell me the story they have told many times before. The have told the story (“I all started when I was 7…”) so many times that they aren't even listening to the words they say. It just becomes automatic.

These stories about our issues might have been true at one point, but as more time passes and we keep telling the same story it is less and less likely to be accurate. If you find yourself in this type of rut I would recommend two tactics.

First, retell your story (your explanation of why you are the way you are), but think about every statement to see if they are true. I am not just talking about the fact as we know them, but also (and most importantly) the motivation we have assigned to others peoples acting.

For example, it is true a co-worked showed up 10 minutes late to the meeting. When I tell the story I say that Sally showed up to the meeting 10 minutes late because she doesn't respect me. The second part of that statement might or might not be true. If we have been telling the story for a while we probably are just taking it as fact and no longer looking to if it is true.

Take every part of your story/explanation a take it apart to see what it is true and what is not.

Second, image what it would be like to re-explain the situation to someone who has no understand of what is going on. I often do this were I image I am explain the situation to an alien from another plant who has just made it to Earth. Since they have no understanding of how humans behave I need to be very clear in articulating everything that is going on. I can't assume they know anything at all. This will force me to look at each of the statements in detail which will provide me the opportunity to see things in a new way.

Counterfactual Mindset (via part 2)

Conjuring up what might have been gives a powerful boost to creativity.

Markman et al. (2007) found that using counterfactuals (what might have happened but didn't) sometimes doubled people's creativity. But counterfactuals work best if they are tailored to the target problem:

  • Analytical problems are best tackled with a subtractive mind-set: thinking about what could have been taken away from the situation.
  • Expansive problems benefited most from an additive counterfactual mind-set: thinking about what could have been added to the situation.

How to apply to tapping: You can use this approach for things that have happened in the past, things that are happening right now, or things that might (!) happen in the future.

All you need to do is replay in your mind the situation while making a few changes. You can do this in both a subtractive and additive way. You can add resources or people to the image. This would look like imagining the same situation unfolding taking out or adding one or two people. How would things be different with these changes?

When we do this we will see our current issues in a new light, gain insight in to new outcomes, and/or see the root issue in a new way.

This is part 1 of a 4 part series. Check out all 4 parts for more creative ideas.

Letting Go

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photo by Melanie Milliken

Often times when we are approaching transformation we look to adding new skills and resources (to do new things) or to heal past wound (that have us trapped in the past). These are great paths to pursue with our work, but they are not the only paths.

Many times we are carrying emotions, memories, or beliefs from the past that are no longer useful in the present. We also choose to carry burdens and problems for our loved ones. Letting go of these no longer useful burdens can quickly open us for healing of the issues we face in this moment.

When I am working with clients one of the first things I have them do is to let go of anything extra from the past that they don't need now. To do this I have them simply scan their system. While they are scanning the system I have them look for anything that they are holding on to that is no longer useful. I have them simply say (as they tap):

“At one time these thoughts, feels, and emotions were useful…they were there to serve some purpose…they have done their job and are no longer needed…because they have done their job I thank them…and let them pass on…if they are needed again in the future…they can come back…but they have done all they need to do…I also recognize what I am carrying for others…it is a high act of love to carry someone else's burden…but it is a higher act of love to let it go…I am not giving it back…but I am releasing it.”

Just this short set of tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT) will quickly bring the system to calm and balance to deal with what is at hand. By releasing the excess we can see the true issue at hand.

Another great way to achieve this state is to tap to a poem like this:

Letting Go by Suzanne Marshall Lucas

Giving up is merely quitting. Letting go is sweet release.
Giving up is cries of anguish. Letting go is perfect peace.
Giving up is hard and heavy. Letting go is loose and light.
Giving up is simply failure. Letting go, success in sight.
Letting go I train my blueprint for a perfect pure design.
Giving up is very human. Letting go is most Divine.
Giving up is death at sundown. Letting go, the Rising Sun.
Giving up is “there, it’s over.” Letting go, “I’ve just begun.”

Creativity Boosting Techniques That Accelerate Tapping Success (AKA: How To Keeping Tapping When It Gets Boring Or Stale) Part 1 of 4

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[This article is part of a four part series on how to get create with tapping when you are stuck or bored with tapping. A new part willed be added every few weeks. See the parts that have been published so far and check back regularly to see the full series.]

photo by Maureen Flynn-Burhoe

Mechanically tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is a very easy thing to do. All you need is to provide stimulus to the tapping points plus tuning into the issue at hand. The tapping part is easy; what can be hard is the tuning in part. Often we are so close to an issue or we have been working on an issue that it is difficult to see it clearly.

Recently Jeremy Dean's PSYBlog had a very interesting two part series (via kottke.org) which explored 14 of ways we can become more creative and more efficient problem solvers. In this four part series I am going to explore how we can apply many of these insights to tune into our issues in new ways (plus a few of my own).

Obviously not all of these are going to work for every issue, but by having a complete menu to choose from you are going to find new ways to approach the issue.

Psychological Distance (via part 1)

People often recommend physical separation from creative impasses by taking a break, but psychological distance can be just as useful.
Participants in one study who were primed to think about the source of a task as distant, solved twice as many insight problems as those primed with proximity to the task (Jia et al., 2009).

◊ For insight: Try imagining your creative task as distant and disconnected from your current location. This should encourage higher level thinking.

How to apply to tapping: You can use this issue in two ways.

First, imagine you are having your same issue, but place yourself having the issue in some distant place. Make this place distinct from your daily life without any of the people you normally interact with. Notice what happens to the issue in this new context. Is it stronger, weaker, or do you have insight about the issue?

Second, image yourself in a complete safe (and a place that you can leave anytime you want) space. It might be an empty room or it might be just a vast empty space. As you experience your issue in a space that is disconnected from everything else is it stronger, weaker, or do you have a new insight about the issue?

Fast Forward In Time (via part 1)

Forster et al. (2004) asked participants to think about what their lives would be like one year from now. They were more insightful and generated more creative solutions to problems than those who were thinking about what their lives would be like tomorrow.
Thinking about distance in both time and space seems to cue the mind to think abstractly and consequently more creatively.

◊ For insight: Project yourself forward in time; view your creative task from one, ten or a hundred years distant.

How to apply to tapping: You can use this to find information about the issue as well information on how to transform the issue.

First, see yourself one, five, and ten years from now. How is the issue impacting your life now? Is it the same or is it different? If it is different, different how? What new information and insight do you have about the issue?

Second, see yourself one, five, and ten year from now without the issue. How does it feel to be free of the issue? Ask this future you how it was able to make this transformation.

Use Bad Moods (via part 1)

Positive emotional states increase both problem solving and flexible thinking, and are generally thought to be more conducive to creativity. But negative emotions also have the power to boost creativity.

One study of 161 employees found that creativity increased when both positive and negative emotions were running high (George & Zhou, 2007). They appeared to be using the drama in the workplace positively.

◊ For insight: negative moods can be creativity killers but try to find ways to use them—you might be surprised by what happens.

How to apply to tapping: When we are tapping we can become very frustrated with the lack of progress. Many times this frustration can become full blown anger. Anger is a powerful emotion. It exists as a power to defend ourselves. Why not tune into this power solve your problem.

I would recommend tapping on something like this:

Right now I am very angry…I am very mad…I am mad because things are going the way I would like…I am mad because I am stuck in this place…I am angry because I don't know where to go next…I know this anger is a part of me that very powerfully wants better…I know this anger is wanting me to be healthier and more peaceful…the anger is fighting for me…It is just not being very effective…Right now I want my anger to transform into something more useful…I want to use its power not to just fight off the perceived attack…but instead become a force to look for solutions to the issue at hand…I know my anger has power…now is the time I tap into it.

This is part 1 of a 4 part series. Check out all 4 parts for more creative ideas.

The Stories We Have Been Told About Success

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photo by Jen Watson

Many times we are making choices and responding to the world based on the expectations that we have received from friends, family, and cultural norms. These expectations might not be useful to who we would like to become. In many cases they can stop our progress. Here is a very simple Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping technique that can be used when dealing with the expectations that we have received from others.

I have been working with “Martin” for a while. He wanted to see transformation in what he did for a living. He felt as if there was a higher calling for his life that he had not been able to figure out. After a number of very successful sessions Martin plateaud.

Martin had come to a much clearer vision of what he wanted his life to look like, but for some reason he just couldn't act. As we were talking about this the wall he had bumped into he said, “I know what I need to do, but I am stuck on all these stories of what at 35 year olds life is suppose to look like.”

The instance he said those words I had the flash of a book in my imagination. I instructed Martin start tapping and to image that we was sitting at a table with a blank book and a pen on the table. I then asked him to start to write all of the stories that had been given to him about what a 35 year olds life should look like.

I told him to take his time, to write as much as he needed, if he needed another book because he had filled the first it would just appear on the table, and asked him to let me know when he was done writing.

I check in with him ever few minutes for the next 20 minutes as he wrote and wrote and wrote.

After filling five books he let me know that he was done.

I then asked him what we should do with these books. “Do we lock them away? Put them on a shelf for later use? Destroy?”

He replied, “I am not one who thinks that it is a good idea to burn books, but in this case I will make an exception.”

[Important Note: Early in my practice I would have simply instructed my client to try to destroy the book in his imagination because that is what I would have wanted to do. I have learned over time that client's system knows what is the best way to proceed. I will give options, like I did in this case, to spark the clients imagination, but I leave the next step up to them.]

In his imagination he poured gasoline on the books and lit them. I asked Martin if the books were burning. He said, “No”.

At this point we started to explore the different reasons why it was hard to let go of the stories in those books. We discovered that part(s) of him felt:

  • If the stories were let go then the people who passed those stories along would also be let go.
  • If the stories were let go then there would be no guidance at all.
  • What if the stories were let go, but needed later they couldn't be found?
  • What if the stories were really right?

One at a time we tapped on these issues. After we cleared all the issues Martin tried again to burn the books. This time he was successful and felt a great sense of relief and freedom.

The Process
The process itself is very easy to be repeated.

  • Start tapping and just move from tapping point to tapping point every few seconds.
  • Image yourself sitting at a table giving yourself permission to write all the stories that have been given to you about what the world thinks success is for you.
  • If you need more books they will appear.
  • After the writing is done ask your system what you need to do with these books so that you can be free from others stories so that you can write your own.
  • If you are unable to complete the step of freeing yourself tap on the issues that are making it difficult for you to let these stories go.
  • Do what your system needs to release these stories.