Note: This article was first published May 14th, 2014 and has been updated.

I need to warn you upfront: This article may come across as a little harsh.

I don’t mean to be harsh. I don’t intend to be mean. But this is an important concept you need to keep in mind when approaching change work.

The fact is simple:

Our loved ones want us to transform and have a better life as long as they don’t have to change too.

It’s not that they don’t want the best for us or that they don’t think our progress is a good thing. The fact is there is something happening under the surface that makes it hard for our loved ones to support our change.

They aren’t doing it consciously

I want to be clear. In almost every case our loved ones are not doing this consciously. The people who truly care about you DO want better for you.

They want you to move forward. They want you to heal. They want you to achieve your goals.

The problem comes when your change impacts their lives.

In each of our relationships there is a whole set of unwritten rules for what we expect of each other. These rules have been crafted through experience over time in a natural, unspoken way.

When we change, these expectations may no longer be met.

Here’s an example of how this might play out. Let’s say that you have a friend who always calls you to vent their emotions whenever something goes wrong in their life. After much thought, you decide you need to go back to school in order to achieve your long-term life goals.

Now that you are in school you have less free time and don’t pick up the phone every time your friend calls. It is not that you no longer care, but you are busier.

From your friend’s perspective (more than likely in an unconscious way) it feels like you no longer care because you aren’t there to pick up the pieces of their life and they slowly start to resent you.

Your moving forward has transformed the relationship and it is possible that they feel hurt and left behind as a consequence.

Our loved ones want us to transform and have a better life as long as they don’t have to change too.

Difficulties in our relationships with loved ones can arise when their lives change in an unexpected way.

Our transformation doesn’t happen overnight, but it feels that way to others

It is important to remember that your change and transformation didn’t happen overnight. Usually healing our past issues is something that happens gradually.

I like to think of the healing process as a new sprout bursting from the ground in the spring. Although the growth seems to have happened overnight, in reality weeks of hard work has been taking place beneath the surface.

When we are healing issues we often put in the difficult work of transformation for many weeks or months before real change shows up in our lives.

For us, change is a process that unfolds gradually. But for our loved ones, our change can seem like a sudden and unexpected event, which may catch them off guard.

They will catch up with you (one way or another)

Just because change may make our relationships difficult at first, it doesn’t mean that it will always be that way.

Our relationships are constantly being renegotiated and expectations change. In time, all of the relationships in our lives will catch up with our transformation.

In almost every case this will make our relationships better in the long run. (And it is also true we might lose some relationships along the way if they are unable to adjust or catch up.)

This fear can hold you back

When we realize that the people in our lives will resist our transformation it is common and understandable that we resist taking action for fear of having to deal with the possible repercussions.

Recognizing this conflict turns it into a tappable issue. Here’s a simple script you can follow:

I recognize the fact that I am changing…I am evolving…I am healing…These changes are going to impact the way I show up in the world…Not only does it impact how I spend my time and the choices I make…It will also impact my relationships…I know most of the people in my life want what is best for me…I also know that as I change and evolve my relationships will change…And those changes might catch some of my loved ones off guard…They might feel a little overwhelmed by the changes…They might not like the way our relationship is changing…The reality is all of my relationships are changing all of the time…Most of the time it is happening in subtle ways…But when there is a more drastic change it is more noticeable…I know I am on the right journey…I know I am evolving in the right way for me…I know the people in my life want what is best for me…My relationships will catch up to my transformation…And it will be better in the long term for all of us.