In the newsletter a few weeks ago I shared the story of visiting my much too young friend as her body was losing its battle with cancer. (You can read the full story: With A Heavy Heart)
In addition to many heartfelt responses of concern to my note, I received a number of questions about what I did while she was sick tapping-wise, and how I felt after the fact. For clarity I have summarized the questions (with answers) below.
I would love to hear your thoughts on these questions in the comments below.
After spending what could be many hours of tapping for your friend and her condition, were you ever hopeful that they would overcome this partially or totally?
When I am tapping for someone else I am always working from the starting point that the only thing that I can truly change in the world is me. When I am tuned into what I think others are feeling or experiencing physically I am paying attention to how I am reacting to these thoughts. I am paying attention to any emotion I feel and any physical sensation that I am having. Those are the things I am tapping on.
At the same time I believe that we are all connected in some way. When I transform myself I transform the world. Did I think by tapping in this way that my friend would be cured? I was open to that possibility. I have seen many things come from tapping that in my limited experience I never would have thought were possible.
I have come to a place in my life where I am no longer surprised by grace. When things happen outside my expectation I just think, “Of course that is possible. How could my thinking been so limited?”
When I was tapping I had no expectation of what the outcome was going to be.
Since she wasn’t healed do you feel like you failed (and did you tap for that feeling of failure)?
The feelings of failure I felt were around missing opportunities to be close to my friend sooner. I am sure I am not alone in feeling regret in filling my life with things that in retrospect weren’t nearly as important as being with friends and loved ones.
The only thought I had as I sat at the airport on Sunday night waiting to fly home was, “We need to do better for those we love sooner.”
Based on how things turned out, would you tap in the same fashion for someone else who might be in the same situation?
As far as tapping goes I don’t know if there is anything I would have done differently.
Even if the tapping I did wasn’t “effective” or wasn’t done “the right way” for the situation. I sat thinking loving and caring thoughts for a friend. Nothing bad can come from that.
Is it really possible to tap to change someone else’s life or is it really up to them and what they choose to think, do, and believe?
This is really the core question about surrogate tapping.
To be honest: I HAVE NO IDEA!
I know that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions impact the people around me. They are responsible for their own choices, but I know they will respond differently to me showing up in a state of love versus a state of fear. If I tap for myself I will respond to others differently, which will give them opportunities to respond differently to situations.
Every relationship I have is a co-creation. When I transform myself I am transforming the nature of my relationships. It is possible that when I am healing something in myself for me to hold space for someone else to believe new thoughts about themselves.
If I show up in a spirit of love I make it easier for someone else to choose to believe they are worthy of love. I don’t make that choice for them. I am not responsible for them making that choice. But I can make it easier for them.
In the end when I am tapping surrogately for someone what I am doing is spending time thinking loving thoughts about them (good!) and healing the emotions I am feeling (also good!). Whatever comes of that is still beyond my limited understanding of the universe.
Thanks for taking the time to answer some of these questions. I do have a few thoughts of my own to add.
I agree 100% with you on the only person I can change is myself and who knows what may come about from those changes.
It seems to me that the question that starts: “Since she wasn’t healed … ” seemed to have missed something quite profound.
(Quoting from your original post) “I witnessed the most amazing thing. Most of Ang’s friends are her age and almost none of them had ever had someone their age die in this fashion. They showed up to be helpful, to be loving, and to be caring, but none of them really knew what to do.
All day I watched people nervously walk in to sit at Ang’s bedside and I watched them walk out at peace. In her last moments Ang continued to do what she always did; she comforted and provided peace.
I was so lucky to sit with her a few times over the course of the day and just be present to someone I was so blessed have in my life. Her sense of peace was humbling.”
Who is it in this description who needs healing?
Your friend Ang sounds very whole (in the sense of the old meaning of heal) in spite of her predicament.
There is no doubt that this is a very difficult thing to befall a young woman and her family and my heart goes out to them and everyone else in that situation.
To me there seems to be an assumption in some of these questions that such things should never happen, and that we should never die. That’s not the way life works, we are born, we grow old (if we’re lucky), get sick and die.
It seems to me that it is a profound and difficult task for us to come to terms with our journey (and everyone else’s), that sometime it will come to an end despite all our best efforts and that is not a failure.
Personally I think you made the best of a very difficult situation. Sometimes to be present in a kind way is all we can do, that’s what Ang did and that really seemed to help.
All the best,
Andy
I loved what you had to see, Gene. And I think it’s important that you tackle the sticky questions on tapping for those we love, especially those in great illness or pain. I try to abide by your suggestions, treating myself and all my feelings about it, and also ad in a prayerful style of tapping the request that healing come to them in a way that creates their highest and best good. I’m always clear on the fact that I have no idea what that might be! I like to think I help others in their surrogate tapping by encouraging them to see that open-ended mystery of ‘highest good’ as a gift we offer both them and ourselves.
Love what you do, Gene. – J
Thanks Gene for these well thought out and heart-based responses. :) I feel that we are ALL connected, even the ones that have already left this dimension. We are ALL Brothers and Sisters. Even with that being said…we don’t know all the reasons that things happen. Things that may seem to us to be pre-mature…and other things we think…should have happend along time ago…. We usually don’t know why…that doesn’t make it wrong…only that we don’t know. Even when we thing we DO…we don’t know all. We just have to accept it … or not. :) That’s all I’m gonna say about that! hehe :) Go with what you think ya know. :) == Earl
Gene,
This was very thoughtful. Whether we tap for someone, pray for someone, think loving thoughts–whatever we do, ultimately whether someone lives or dies is between them and God or whatever name people choose to call that infinite Presence.
We are all interconnected, true. And not everyone survives cancer or other illnesses no matter how many people pray or tap or how much faith and openness that person may have. But just because there is no cure doesn’t mean there isn’t a healing on whatever level it may be happening beyond our perception.
I know you benefitted your friend and her family and yourself by tapping. It’s not really about whether it’s “working” or not. Ultimately, I believe the “Emotional Freedom” of EFT is the ability to be free to choose things based on choice, not Pavlovian reaction to what is going on in one’s life. It brings more peace and centeredness so we act from a less reactive space.
It sounds like the EFT brought a lot of peace to all concerned and that she had a healing of her life even if there was no cure. God bless all of you.
As the Book of Common Prayer says in its compline liturgy, and this is great to tap with,
Kepp watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous, and all for your love’s sake. Amen.
Sue
Your response reminds me of Ho’oponopono. All I can do is clear my own consciousness and what is in it that may contribute to what I am seeing show up in my life.
And then there is prayer which the foundation of all the world’s religions and spiritual systems. God, the Creator of all is not Santa Claus, simply fulfilling our desires and wishes. The wisdom is that we are not in control and we do not know what is truly “healing” for any one soul. Everything happens for the soul’s growth not the physical and that is the mystery that we do not know what “should” be for the best. Baha’u’llah writes, “Well, nigh, Thy tests are a healing medicine unto Thee.”
Gene – that is the clearest and most heartfelt writing I have ever seen on these big questions. Thank you so much. xClaire
In whole hearted agreement Gene, with your words and the comments as well. What a wonderful way to celebrate your continuing love for your friend. Many thanks for sharing.
Gene, What a beautiful way to honor your friend’s anniversary through such open and genuine and thoughtful responses.
I agree that our task is to allow the tapping to wash through us as we surrogate tap. It is a practice of love toward those we are tapping for and an act of discipline for ourselves to remain without expectations. There’s A constant need to pay attention to that – as it is so easy to judge the effectiveness of the work which – when the outcomes are not to our liking, suggest that we are lousy practitioners. These thoughts only block the expansion of love that knows no limits.
I have been at the side of many people at the end of life. From young children to aged adults, I have provided nursing care. Some people live beyond expectation through a terminal illness, and that indeed is splendid. Most die, their body exhausted, but their spirit. Like your friend, their spirit provides healing to many in their presence. Though their body is spent, their spirit is expanded. It is emotional and at times exhausting and exhilarating to tend to a person in their final days.
You and your friend were blessed to share such precious time together. I suspect it was the perfect amount………..
Your words inspire and encourage me to continue tapping no matter the outcomes, and to believe in everyday miracles. AND to tell about those times to/all who care to listen.
Thank you.
Thanks for sharing, Gene. I think sometimes we get a picture in our head that “healing” means a specific outcome and that idea can be very limiting. If you’re able to come from a place of love and/or peace and/or service, I feel like you are healing with a big H whether a person is “cured” of an illness or you just shift the energy around you, them, or a room. I think of the three people I spent the most time with when they were in their last months or days and in those situations, it wouldn’t matter what I did, their bodies weren’t going to be made whole, but with my second mom, humming or singing to her settled her down from agitation even though she wasn’t lucid; with my dad, my mom and I would sing, mostly badly I must admit, and it made him smile even though he wasn’t consciously with us those last few days. There was a lot of sitting with him holding his hand … he seemed to like it and I know it was good for me – which couldn’t be bad for him. My very last interaction with him was giving him a piece of chocolate after his last dose of morphine (apparently liquid morphine is nasty based on his reactions) and I will never forget that silly little interaction – again, not lucid, but it made him smile. With my mom, it was a more extended period and she went through a variety of emotions, but if I sang mantra to her when she was agitated, she would calm down. I did some energy work with her and gave her blessings which also helped her be more peaceful. Sitting and reading to her when she was up to it made her happy. I don’t know if anyone’s actual pain was lessened or life lengthened, but I know it was a healing space for all of us nonetheless.
Yup, probably just rambling now. Tomorrow would be my dad’s birthday and he’s always heavy on my mind this time of year and I can’t think of his passing without thinking of my mom. Probably the most healing thing for all of us was just showing up and being together without being wrapped up in old “stuff”…
Gene, I totally agree with what you did and what you wrote. Beautiful!
Hi Gene, thanks for this. I have done surrogate tapping for friends, loved ones and friends of friends. One made a miraculous recovery; who could ever say how effective or not the tapping was. But it gave me comfort to be able to do something. Currently surrogate tapping for a colleague who has cancer. To me, it feels as though it has to be a good thing, at the very least I am doing something positive for that person and their family by good intention. I also believe we are all connected, it reminds me a little of the concept of ho’oponopono releasing limiting beliefs about the person in case it should also limit them.
Susan
Dear Gene, You are the best! I’m an EFT practitioner here in Italy and in my many years of tapping, two of my clients died from their serious illnesses. I agree with and learned from every word you wrote. In my experience, I have found that prevention and/or beginning our work early in the disease process, it a fabulous thing to do. Much love and respect and sorry about your friend, Judy xoxoxo
Hi Gene, always love your work. thank you. There are two things happening when you tap or think wellness for another person. First you are sending her all the wellness and kindness she needs by your thoughts and by tapping. We know that tapping and thinking positive thoughts works for wellness. The second thing that is happening is that the cancer patient is not totally a tuned in what you are doing or does not believe totally in what you are doing. If the belief is not there that you can aid her , tapping or kind thoughts will not work. When I petition for wellness I take on the belief that the wellness has already started..
Gene you are loved, always
Walter
I am somewhat new to tapping, but I believe that surrogate tapping works. My friend and I tried it once on her dog, Sandy, who is getting old. Sandy could not get up to go outside to do her business and was leaving messes all over the house. One day, after learning about surrogate tapping, I suggested to my friend that we experiment with Sandy. The next day my friend was having to chase after Sandy because she was after the chickens at the far end of her large yard!
No matter how much tapping we do, we all have to go sometime. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I can’t wait to go to Heaven! We have this preconceived idea that we are not supposed to die until we are old, but the number of our days can only be known by God who loves us.
Hugs!