photo by Fine Shots |
Tapping with children can be a very rewarding experience. In many cases children take to tapping much faster than adults because they are more willing to try new things and aren’t hung up on why something is working. They just want to feel better.
Here are five things to keep in mind when teaching kids to tap. (Note: All five lessons below are hard won. I know them to be true because I have done the opposite of all 5 at one point.)
1) They Are Smarter Than You Think
I recently spoke to 600 middle school students about bullying. To start the presentation I talked about why bullies bully. I talked about what happens on an emotional level and how that affects our choices. At the end of the presentation the children broke up into to small groups with their adults to talk about what they can do to stop bullying in their schools. After the small group time a number of the adults walked up to me to express how surprised they were with the complexity of thoughts the kids had, the emotions they experienced, and how overall thoughtful they were.
Kids don’t have the vocabulary to express their emotions and thoughts the way adults do, but they are thinking real thoughts about their lives, their emotions, and who they are. Give them space to talk about their emotions, teach them how to talk about them, and they will surprise you (in really good ways).
2) You Must Be Authentic Or They Will Tune You Out
Kids today are very savvy because of their access to information and technology. They are treated by big business as a market place and they are constantly sold to through TV and online. Because of this they have very sophisticated BS detectors and they can tell when someone is not being authentic with them.
It is very tempting to want to be cool and hip when talking with kids (especially teens), thinking you are “speaking their language”. It is just the opposite. They don’t want some line or for you to talk like them. They want someone who is just being who they are, even if that means being your dorky self.
You can’t ask a child to honest with their emotions and be comfortable inside their own skin unless you are willing to try to do the same.
3) Your Job Is To Love Them; Not Be Loved By Them
When we are working with teens or children we are doing it because we want better for them. That is the goal. Nothing more. Nothing less. We are not trying to be their friend and we are not trying to gain their admiration. We have our own friends and peers for that. This doesn’t mean that we act like jerks or that we don’t care, forgetting to treat them with respect. Sometimes wanting the best for someone is asking them to do difficult things and things they might not enjoy.
To help them heal we need their respect, not their love and affection. It is ok to be comfortable with that notion.
4) Teach Them Tools
Children (and most people) don’t care how or why tapping works. They are just looking for something that makes them feel better. When working with kids and teens give them tools. They don’t need theory. They want to be better, happier, and healthier. Once they know the tool works they might ask you how it works and why.
I love coming up with little processes that are easy to follow.
For example, a great way for parents to teach kids to tap for themselves is have them tap and explain four things whilst they are tapping.
- * What was the best part of the day?
- * What was the worst part of the day?
- * What are they looking forward to tomorrow?
- * What are they worried about tomorrow?
Very simple. It is easy to remember and easy to do. Once they have the tools they can take care of themselves.
5) Start With How The Emotions Feel In The Body
As I said above, children (and many adults) don’t have the skill or vocabulary to talk about their emotions as emotions. I like to have them talk about how the emotions feel in the body to help them to tune in.
They might not have the vocabulary to talk about the disappointment that comes with poor grades vs. fighting with a friend. They might call both of these emotions “mad”. But if you get them to talk about how it feels in the body they will be able to be more specific. By describing where the emotion is in the body (head, hands, stomach…) and how it feels in these places (heavy, tight, hot…) they will be much more successful with their tapping.
Go For It
You don’t have to be perfect when working with teens or children. They are looking for adults who care about them and care about their well being. Show up from a place of love, treat them with respect, and be ready for lots of questions and you will be a great tapping teacher and tapping role model for them.
What have you found works well when tapping with kids? What mistakes have you made from which you have learned? Click here to add your own thoughts and comments or read what others have to say. I would really love to know what you think!
Jenny says
Brilliant. I also remember learning that it can also be difficult working with teens becasue the prefrontal cortex is a little immature in teenagers as compared to adults; it may not fully develop until mid-20s [source: Kotulak].
Liz says
Just discovered your site through facebook when a friend, Ahulani, liked it! I am enjoying your contributions.
I am trying to design an anti-bullying protocol for my workplace. I would like to speak to you next week and ask you to share a few of your resources: other websites, books, etc., where you have found information. If and email conversation is better let me know. A guest speaker left us with a great introduction and a few clear guidelines. We have begun conversations with the youth and next is the cooperative development for handling events of bullying.
Just for background, I am a juvenile probation officer working as an Adolescent Treatment Specialist at a 24 hour residential facility. With around 35 beds, we provide special education services, credit recovery for truants, individual, group, and family counseling, and much more.
Two years ago I was introduced to tapping and have been very fortunate to have had wonderful results. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
sal says
Question: has anyone worked with special needs children to tap on them or teach them how to tap? anybody could help? I have one extremely anxious (autism), and another with extreme behaviours, Hoping this could help.
thank you
Vivian Morgan says
Thank you so much for this write up. You are exactly right about kids! I work with children (ages 5 – 25 through the emancipation process) and find that being authentic, accepting them where they are at, validating their experience, and offering space to be themselves is a huge part of it. I use tapping when an issue arises that has a lot of negative energy attached to it, and after asking (as you do!) where they feel that in their body and if they can identify the feeling, placing their hand over that place in the body. I then ask if we can “tap” on these special spots or pressure points to release some of that energy. They always say yes, and I just start tapping and have them follow along. After the initial “Even though this is happening_____________ I am still a (thoughtful, caring, special…) person/kid/young person), I paraphrase their story – what I am hearing them say about their life and how they feel about it. There is a narrative aspect to this work, as well as, the cognitive re-framing piece. Once we feel like we have it, they can add to the story at any time, we begin to shift to the reframing. Many times it comes naturally, like a child will say, “it isn’t that bad” which I translate to “this isn’t anything you can’t handle”. This shift is amazing for us both. I then ask them their favorite spot to “tap” on and let them know they can do this when they are feeling overwhelmed by negative energy too. I am grateful to have this technique to use and have found it can get to thoughts and feelings that regular “talk” therapy can’t seem to access. Thanks again for your thoughtful and helping contributions to our field.
Vivian Morgan
kellie norrgard says
Thank you your comments were so insightful and sharing your narrative sequence as well as how the kids respond very helpful information. Thank you, Kellie Norrgard