Shame is an interesting emotion. It makes us recoil inside ourselves, wanting us to hide from our past and our present. Despite this negativity, shame is rooted in a good place because it wants us to have done better, and wants us to do better in the future. The problem is that it prevents us from moving forward because it is trying to keep us safe from repeating our mistakes. Because of this we can feel crippled by shame, but we don’t have to remain stuck in that place.
Archives for October 2011
photo by Stephan Reinwald
When I am tapping I like to write down the insights I have while tapping. Sometimes they are things I already know (and have known forever) and other times they are completely new insights. I might only get one or two of these insights when I sit down to tap, but when I collect them over time I end up with a lots of wisdom that I need to hear.
Here is a list of the some of the insights I have had recently while tapping. Every now and then I like to come back and tap to them.
PS: This is also a great way to end a tapping session. Just state what you have learned to reinforce the learning and the change.
- Accountability structures are good for my progress.
- I have more needs than I care to admit.
- If I do work every day (or regularly) progress is inevitable.
- It is time to heal.
- I am really ready to heal.
- Sometimes when things don’t work out we find new and better things.
- Some issues and tasks are made harder by avoiding them.
- Even if people who are close to me don’t appreciate the work I am doing, it can and will be appreciated in other places by other people.
- I know lots of things that are good for me even if I am not willing to admit it in my conscious mind.
- I need to take care of myself because I will receive the best care this way as I am the only one who has taking care of me as a responsibility. I can (and should) ask for help, but I am responsible for this work.
- It is time to let others take responsibility for themselves. This is not longer my job.
- It is good (and serves others) when I follow my dreams.
- It is hard for people who are wounded for them not to act out of their wound.
- I can’t assume I understand what really happened or what others really think.
- I can’t assume others understand me.
- I need to examine how I see myself.
- My patterns are easy to change when I take the time to look at and understand them.
- I am better at what I do than I give myself credit for.
- Doing work is better than not doing work.
- One easy change I can make is to work on change every day.
- Physical health can be improved with lots of small choices and it doesn’t have to be about massive workout routines.
- It is good I am making this change now.
- I don’t have to do everything in my life alone to move forward. There are lots of people I can partner with.
- Just because I have been stuck for a very long time doesn’t mean I have to stay stuck in the future.
- I am open to change happening in a way that is unexpected and surprisingly easy.
- When I give myself the benefit of the doubt it is easier to give others the benefit of the doubt.
- Sometimes the hardest person to love is myself.
- Wanting the best for others is not about wanting less for me.
- Wanting the best for others is not about fixing them.
- Desire isn’t bad because it is motivation to doing more, trying more, and being focused.
- My complete focus on one outcome can lead me to miss other, better outcomes.
photo by Annette Pedrosian
[In this series we examine the importance of the words we use and how changing our vocabulary can change our mind giving us opportunity for transformation. More articles can be found in this series @ Tools:Words]
“I don’t deserve better…”
One of the phrases I hear frequently from clients is “I don’t deserve…” This phrase comes is all shapes and forms.
- I haven’t done enough in the past to heal. I don’t deserve to get better now.
- I have screwed up so many times. I don’t deserve God’s love.
- I have so much in my life compared to others. I don’t deserve to more.
- I have had success in the past and squandered it. I don’t deserve to have success now.
When we are in the mindset of “don’t deserve” it is very difficult for us to experience transformation and healing. There are a number of reasons for this, but mostly it comes down to the fact that when we don’t feel we deserve to heal then we are not going to put the effort or take the steps necessary for transformation. If we don’t do the work we are unlikely to heal.
Whenever I encounter a client who doesn’t believe they deserve something I like to draw a contrast between the words deserve and worthy. In my mind deserve means to earn something while worthy means being made for something. Here is an example to make it clearer.
I work with a number of clients in a spiritual context. Very often my clients feel they “do not deserve God’s love”. They believe they are not good enough, they have made too many wrong choices, or that it is just too late for them.
By using the phrase “I don’t deserve God’s love” they are saying (most time without thinking about it) that God’s love is something they must earned. The only way that God will love them is if they live a certain way, make certain choices, or achieve certain goals. If they are incapable of living in this way then God is not going to love them.
When I encounter this I encourage my clients to reframe this understanding to they are “worthy of God’s love”. God’s love is no longer a prize or a reward, but instead something that we are made for. God’s love is an intrinsic characteristic of who we are. This simple shift moves us from earning God’s love to giving ourselves permission to allow God’s ever present love into our life.
A sample tapping patter for this might look like:
Right now I am having a very hard time…I am struggling…but I choose to know that God loves me no matter what…His love is unconditional…There is nothing I can do to earn his love…Or lose his love…there are times like right now when I don’t believe I deserve God’s love…There are times when I beat myself up because I am letting God down…I choose to know that God wants nothing more than my healing to happen…God wants me to see myself with the same love that he has for me…I give myself permission to know God still loves me…I give myself permission to believe I deserve God’s love, even when I have a hard time loving myself…
This same approach can be used when we are working with issues of healing, weight release, success, and abundance just to name a few. We are made for health, well-being, and success. It is our intrinsic nature. When we are able to accept this fact we eliminate many of the self sabotaging behaviors because we are no longer fighting part of our self that don’t believe it is something we deserve.
If you hear yourself saying or thinking “I don’t deserve X…” tap on the phrase “I am worthy of X and I give myself permission to allow X into my life.”
One of the things I have struggled with over the years is accepting compliments. They made me feel uncomfortable. They made me feel judged. They made me feel like I needed to point out the things that were wrong with me. Over time I have learned that it is OK to take a compliment. It gives me a chance to recognize that I am good at something and that others also see the things I do well.
The key to a successful tapping/Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) session is to find a way to tune into an emotion. It doesn’t matter how we find our way to that emotion. We can do it by saying phrases, retelling stories from the past, or just tuning into how a physical sensation feels in the body. The key is our focus and attention.
The world we live in is full of amazingly beautiful things. Many of them we miss (or at least I miss) because we are wrapped up in our ‘to do’ list. When we take the time to look at beauty, bathe in beauty, and absorb beauty, it touches us and tunes us into our emotional core.
Take 4 minutes to watch this amazing video my friend Sue passed along to me. As you do it, just tap. It is not about clearing up an issue or working through some piece of resistance. It is simply about being in touch with beauty…which is healing.